The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e10 Episode Script

I must say, he's strong.
Did you have to turn your back on him? Only for a moment.
You know, one of the charms about you is that you attract such interesting people.
James, my boy, this restaurant has absolutely the finest brandy in all of Denver.
You buy? All right, it's on me.
As my Great-Aunt Maude always said, "If you're going to buy at all, buy the best.
" We'll see just how strong.
No.
All work and no play- that's not good for a man.
You drink and be merry, because tomorrow we may die.
Ooh.
Who wants to live forever? You know whoever that lady's waiting for is a very lucky man.
She's not waiting for anybody, Artemus.
She's alone.
Come on.
How do you know? Hmm, the way she's sitting there.
Like a beacon guiding all ships home.
Land ho.
Uh, pardon, mademoiselle, but, uh, I could not help to notice, you see, but I am in this country only six months.
And in all that time, mademoiselle, never believe believe me, Mademoiselle, no never have I seen anyone more beautiful than you.
Not in Rome, not in Paris, not in London.
Nowhere.
Mais certainement.
I know you from somewhere, no? No.
Uh.
Madrid.
But of course.
The gorgeous Spanish women.
And you the most gorgeous.
I have never been in Spain.
Uh, no? No.
And if you don't stop, I shall call the proprietor.
Uh, yes.
Uh Um pardon, mademoiselle.
A mistake.
Don't I know you from someplace? Wow.
I mean, listen, that has never failed before with that accent.
She's just waiting for someone, that's all.
Hmm? Come on, Artemus, let's go.
Oh.
Why, Mr.
Jordan.
Oh.
Oh, excuse me.
I thought I knew you from someplace.
Well, as a matter of fact, my name is Jordan.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Um New Orleans.
Oh.
Why, yes.
New Orleans.
Ellen? No.
Eleanor.
Marie.
Marie Pincher.
What are you doing all by yourself, Marie? Oh.
Well, I thought I might I ask the same question of you.
Good night, Artemus.
Where are you taking me, you naughty man? Anywhere your little heart des Maxon? Ho! Ho! Mr.
West.
You've lost weight, Dr.
Loveless.
Dr.
Miguelito Loveless.
Your humble servant.
You remember Voltaire, of course.
But you've not met Janus.
Janus, this is Mr.
West of the Secret Service in Washington.
You should be very impressed, Janus.
Mr.
West is the most trusted Secret Service agent in the country.
He takes his orders directly from President Grant.
I didn't think I'd see you again, ever.
It was quite a nice little jail you had me in, Mr.
West.
I didn't mind.
Gave me plenty of time to think.
But poor Voltaire was just wasting away in that cheerless little cell.
We simply had to leave.
I had heard that you were shot, crossing the river trying to escape.
Both of you.
People assume so much.
But I'm really delighted to see you again, Mr.
West.
I've thought of you every day.
As a matter of fact, in the past few months, you've almost become an obsession with me.
And when do you intend to fill in the rest? If all goes well in two weeks.
But that can wait, sir.
It can wait.
Wait.
Did you notice how quick his move was, Janus? Remarkable coordination.
Oh, lovely.
Not a mark.
Not even a singe.
Carefully, Voltaire.
Janus, not so roughly.
I don't want a single hair of his head harmed.
Not yet.
I know where I'm going And I know who's going with me I know who I love But the dear knows who I'll marry I have stockings of silk Shoes of fine green leather Combs to buckle my hair And a ring for every finger Feeling better? You know, that was quite a nasty jolt you took.
Where am I? Underground, in my studio.
You know, because of all these stuffed animals and birds about, Antoinette refers to it as "the embalming room.
" You know, that was quite foolhardy of you to try to bolt that way.
I could have sent a lethal charge through that fence, and then you Well, do you know anything about electrical science, Mr.
West? Not very much, I'm afraid.
Oh, but you must, you must.
So many things have been discovered in the last decade.
Even a-a self- exciting dynamo.
A man named Graham discovered Well, of course, I would have, but your little jail interrupted my work.
But I perfected it.
And I also have a candle.
An electrical candle, if you will.
Just think of it.
Just think of it- light all throughout the world.
In all the homes- light.
Light from electricity.
Are you going to steal that, too, Mr.
West? Give it to the government? Am I boring you? What do you want from me, revenge for sending you to jail? You were going to kill 5,000 people with your explosive.
I had to stop you.
You belong in jail.
Revenge? Mr.
West, mean-hearted people might accuse me of many things, but pettiness is not one of them.
What, then? I want to preserve you in art.
"Ars longa vita brevis," as they say.
"Art is long though life is short.
" And those wax models in the town- did you make them? Mm-hmm.
Those birds and all those animals- did you preserve them, too? Yes, I even trapped all of them.
Like you trapped me.
I do hope you enjoyed Marie.
She's so charming, but she does have this one little problem.
You see, whenever she meets a man and is attracted to him, if he rejects her, she gets quite out of hand, utterly.
What's the matter? I'm still feeling weak.
Oh, I'm sorry; of course- the gas and the electrical charge.
You haven't had enough rest.
And lunch.
Voltaire? Uh, Voltaire?! Take Mr.
West to his room.
No, Voltaire, no! Voltaire, I need his face.
When I am finished with it, then you may have your fun.
You know, Antoinette, he hit Voltaire with his fist in the tummy.
How can people be so cruel? Some say he's bad But I, I say he's bonny Fairest of them all My handsome, winsome Johnny What do you want with me, revenge for sending you to jail? You were going to kill 5,000 people with your explosive, and you had to be stopped.
Jail is where you belong.
Now, notice, Janus, his voice is more vibrant than you think.
Like this.
"What do you want from me, revenge for sending you to jail?" You see what I mean? Oh, it's beautiful.
Everything's just going beautifully.
Oh, I want you to see my newest painting.
It's a complete departure in style.
Oh, you don't like my painting.
Well, it is a bit ahead of its time, you know.
I don't blame you.
But watch this carefully.
Notice the way he moves- how aggressive he is.
Now, study his face closely.
Note the firmness, the resolve.
Now, unless I miss my guess, he's going to woo Marie, hoping she'll help him escape.
Huh? See how he's thinking- thinking all the time? You have to study his voice, Janus.
Study it closely.
Keep it in your mind so that you'll be able to imitate him perfectly.
Well, if it isn't Marie Pincher.
Remember me- Mr.
Jordan, from New Orleans? Please let me go.
You shouldn't do this.
I want to.
That's all you want- to kiss a girl and then toss her aside.
Try me.
Now, watch how he'll master her, Janus, with a kiss.
I've known men like you.
It makes them feel big to handle a woman as if Watch carefully, Janus, and learn.
I wonder if Marie would be so free if she knew she was being watched? She certainly does put her heart into her work, though, doesn't she? She's so loyal.
I must show Mr.
West my little community, and I don't think Marie would mind the delay.
You would not believe this, Mr.
West, but when I first came here a few months ago, this was a thriving community.
A mining town.
But the greed of those people, the avarice.
And then came the shootings and murder.
What a sad thing to see those people destroy themselves, and all within a few scant months.
Won't people ever learn? Liquor, women and cards.
Sometimes, Mr.
West, I despair of this old world.
Well, one must hope.
Voltaire.
Blessed silence.
Let me pour you a libation, Mr.
West.
Don't worry, it's only tea.
I abhor spirits.
They make a man less than human.
That machine Voltaire turned off- what is it? My speaking machine.
I can make music, voices, sounds come out of it.
A toy.
And all the noises I heard? I have speaking machines hidden everywhere.
These dummies are made of rubber.
Of course.
What did you think they were made of? Well, I thought that, seeing all the stuffed animals in your library You couldn't.
Mr.
West, you couldn't think me capable of that.
You're positively ghoulish.
What are you going to do with me? Preserve you.
A walking, talking, breathing, thinking James West who will do my bidding.
Then why the name on the tombstone? Because you will be dead.
You will walk among the living but all the time, you will be under that tombstone, quite, quite dead.
Stay, Voltaire.
Mr.
West, neither Voltaire nor I would harm you in the least.
It would spoil our plans.
The only plan you have now is to kill the current in that electric fence.
You're going to walk out of here with me, and you're going back to jail.
Now, move.
Mr.
West, there are some things that electricity cannot pass through.
Glass is one, and rubber is another.
My underwear is solid rubber.
Now, Voltaire, I didn't want to rush things, but it seems it's necessary.
Mr.
West is so impulsive, he might hurt himself before we're finished with him.
Now, you, my friend- by tonight, all your questions will be answered.
Mr.
West.
Is the patient ready, Nurse? Yes, Doctor.
Good.
No frown, Mr.
West.
Can't have any unnecessary wrinkles.
After all, Janus' face must be an exact duplicate of yours.
Your face, Mr.
West.
Scalpel.
Mr.
West, tonight marks my first step back to the glory that is rightfully mine.
With your help, we shall undermine the Secret Service, and the next time I ask for half the state of California they'll have to listen to me.
Hemostat.
After all, it once belonged- hemostat- to my Spanish forbears, and what's mine is mine.
Scalpel.
And you're going to help me get it back.
Doo-doo doo, doo Voltaire, behind you! No, Voltaire, no.
Put it down.
Put it down.
We fooled you completely.
No, that's not Mr.
West, that's Janus.
The operation is a triumph.
Don't you see? Everything's going beautifully and right on schedule.
I brought you some tea.
What time is it, Marie? I don't know.
Dr.
Loveless hates clocks.
He won't allow them.
He says it has something to do with his past and you.
I know.
He invented the most powerful explosive known to man and put it in a clock tower.
He was going to kill 5,000 men, women and children.
I stopped him.
Is that the kind of man you want to remain loyal to? When he found me, I was sick and starving.
He took me in and he fed me, and he gave me my life back.
Loyalty is the very least I owe him.
At least you can tell me what day it is and how long I been locked up in here.
I've seen you every day since the operation and every day, I've turned this over.
I'm going to miss you, Jim.
Beginning when? Miguelito sent for you.
I'm afraid we haven't very much time left together.
Well, we can make it last if you'll help me get out of here.
No no, he's much too clever for us.
It would be too much of a risk.
No, Jim.
No, it's been wonderful, but I can't be disloyal.
Good-bye, Jim.
Oh, Mr.
West, how are you? Now, how long has it been? It's been, uh, two weeks.
I do apologize for having neglected you, but I've been so frightfully busy.
You've lost some color.
You didn't bring me here to discuss my color.
No, of course not.
I just thought you might be curious about the details of my plan.
After all, you've made such an invaluable contribution to it.
A most invaluable contribution, Mr.
West.
We're very grateful.
Delightful, Janus.
Don't you think so, Mr.
West? Now, Janus, let Mr.
West feast his astonished eyes on our handiwork.
What are you doing in my body, Mr.
West? He'll be spotted immediately.
Too many people know me intimately.
Ask me a question, Mr.
West.
What was my father's brother's name? Your uncle's name was James.
You were named after him.
I had an accident when I was ten.
What was it? Your sled ran into a tree.
You broke your left arm, here at the wrist.
The doctor who treated me had a little girl.
What was her name? Betsy.
Mr.
West, this will do you no good.
We've gone to great pains to learn everything about you, absolutely everything.
No one in the world can trip us up.
Just to make sure, we're going to try a little test.
Janus is going to pay a visit to your friend Artemus at your train.
Very well, Janus, you know what to do.
Janus make sure Artemus gets a good, close look at your face.
Very close.
Well, what do you think of my little plan? I think you're insane.
I think it's the soul of simplicity.
Janus becomes you, infiltrates the Secret Service, destroys it, gets back the formula for my explosive, and blows up the arsenal of bombs those people in Washington have made from my formula.
You know how many bombs there are? What an explosion like that would do? Hmm half of Washington D.
C.
All those politicians, all those generals poof.
And I will have my formula back.
Once again, I will be the only one who knows it- and I shall use it unless they give me back my half of California.
Janus will never get by Artemus.
He'll spot him.
Well, in that case, Janus has orders to kill him- instantly.
And we shall just have to work all the harder to correct the flaws, and you'll help.
What if he does get by him? Well, in that case, we shall have no further need of you, Mr.
West.
"Have heard no word from West for two weeks.
"Is anything wrong? Request immediate answer.
" Well, where have you been? I hunted all over for you, two whole weeks.
That's not like you.
What's the matter? Something's in my eye.
Let me have a look, will you? Sit down.
Now, hold still.
Look down.
Now left.
Look down again.
I can't see a thing.
It seems to have gone away.
Now, would you mind telling me where you've been? Not much to tell.
Come on, quit stalling.
The next day, I went to the governor's office.
There was a message for me from Washington.
That was 13 days ago, Jim.
That's right.
They gave me a new assignment.
That's impossible.
Washington couldn't have had a new assignment.
Your gun isn't balanced.
I mean, why wouldn't they have told me about it? There wasn't time.
I got orders to move immediately.
Oh, I see.
On, uh, on what? Remember Dr.
Miguelito Loveless? What, the little wizard? How could I ever forget him? He and Voltaire escaped from jail months ago.
I thought the two of them were shot while trying to escape.
They weren't shot.
They got away.
Oh.
And within the last two weeks, you've had orders from Washington to track them down again? That's right.
And? And the only thing remains is for me to go into town and tell the city officials where they're hiding.
They should pick 'em up without any trouble.
Fine.
I'll go with you.
No.
You stay here, get things ready.
I'll be back tonight, and we'll shove off.
Boy, as my Great-Aunt Maude always says, "Enthusiasm's a sure sign a man loves his work.
" How is Aunt Maude? She's fine, Jim, just fine.
Good.
Give her my best.
Sure, Jim.
Sure.
See you later, Artemus.
Right.
Take care.
It's been a complete success.
So you see, your services are no longer needed.
I often wonder why prisoners are always executed at sunrise.
It seems such a dreadful way to start a new day.
Your moment will be at sundown.
Well, West.
It's almost sundown.
Would you care for a cup of coffee? Don't bluff me with that fake calm.
Maybe you don't know what Dr.
Loveless is going to do to you.
He's going to kill me.
What does it matter how? All right.
I'll have that cup of coffee.
And I'll tell you how.
You see, Voltaire, what I detest so about violence is the noise that goes along with it.
It destroys conversation.
So if he tries to be brave and makes no sound take it very slowly.
But if he starts caterwauling, end it quickly and spare my eardrums.
I can't stand noise.
Now, are we read? Ready? Yes, I'm ready, Dr.
Loveless.
I'm ready, Doctor.
He's lying- he's West.
Oh, now, I'll not be played games with.
Don't let him pull that on you, Doctor.
I'm Janus.
Now, West, you're playing your tricks on me again.
You're cheating.
I tell ya, I'm Janus.
But now stop it.
Stop playing tricks on me, both of you.
Miguelito, you mustn't be so upset.
It's very simple.
Haven't I kissed the real West? Well, Marie I don't know what I'd do without you.
I can tell which is which.
A woman knows about those things.
My goodness.
I'll tell him you're Janus.
Tell him the truth.
Tell him I'm West.
This is the real West.
I told you, Dr.
Loveless.
Well.
Mr.
West.
Dr.
Loveless.
You're making a horrible mistake.
Always very quick to take advantage, aren't you? Always right on top of the situation.
I admire you for that.
Now Marie You didn't really think I would fall for your puny little subterfuge, did you? I saw you falling in love with Mr.
West from the very beginning.
Now be a good child and go see Janus off.
Dr.
Loveless, you're making a horrible mistake.
I'm Janus! Voltaire! Voltaire, get him! After him! Which one of these switches is the current to the fence? I don't know, but if you pull them all down, everything would explode.
That includes the fence.
Artemus, when did you get here? My Great-Aunt Maude sent me.
Come on.
No, Voltaire, no! You'll be killed.
It's locked.
Put me in the box.
Which one is which? Stay right where you are.
Artemus, let's get out of here.
I said, stay where you are.
How do I know you're not him? Easy.
I know, it's him.
Well, can you imagine? That Voltaire got enough electricity to kill an elephant, yet he got no worse than a slight sunburn.
It'll take more than electricity to kill Voltaire.
Well, at least they're both back in jail again.
And this time, under double guard.
So as soon as I can get off a message to Washington, why, we can shove off.
Maybe Marie would like a drink while I code this up, huh? Now, let's see.
"Located West" Have you located West? Get up.
Turn around.
Raise your hands.
Higher.
Higher.
Turn around and I'll shoot.
Oh, you're Jim West all right.