Thirtysomething (1987) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello! Help! Help me! - I'm awake! - Michael.
I'm in trouble.
- Gary? - I don't know what to do.
Something terrible's happened.
Gary? I didn't mean to do it.
Gary, what's wrong? Mike I think I'm in love.
You cold? Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be.
No, your back is cold.
I feel terrible about this.
Don't.
I wasn't looking for anything more than we had.
I would have left my husband anyway.
Your husband? Phillip.
Mid-40s, grayish hair? Back at the party? He introduced us.
Philip's your husband? You're married? Stop with the wit.
Can't always be love.
No, that's just it.
I am in love.
Oh, come on.
We just met.
No, I didn't mean with you.
I'm sorry, it's just, I'm in love with someone else.
You fell in love with someone else while I was sleeping? No, about six weeks ago.
You couldn't have told me this last night? I didn't know last night.
And sleeping with me convinced you.
Yes.
Am I crazy? I mean, let's get real.
I'm 34 years old, right? And suddenly I'm in love for the first time in my life? I mean, it just doesn't happen like that! 34 years.
Do you have any idea how many women I've dated in 34 years? Wait.
I think I've got the list here somewhere.
And if it is love, what does that mean? What is loving someone Actually loving someone mean? Let's start with the obvious.
Caring.
Being open.
- Committing.
- Committing.
Oh, I said it! I said the "c" word.
Just because I can say it doesn't mean I can do it.
Anyway, how am I supposed to know if she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is she, like, enormously endowed? - No.
- Why can't things ever be easy? Well, I guess there's no other way.
You just gotta do it.
You mean? - Yep! - Yep! - Close your eyes.
- Take a deep breath.
Ask her the question.
Eve, hi.
It's me.
I want I want you I want you to meet Michael and Hope.
- She'll be 18.
- I don't think so.
Money on it.
When you see this girl, the word "perky" will spring to your lips.
She'll have a horse named Buttercup.
No, Honey Butter.
And she'll love children.
She'll want to have lots and lots of them.
I think Gary might surprise you this time.
Something tells me he couldn't be this serious about an 18-year-old.
She'll want to impress us.
She'll steer the conversation towards something she has great expertise in.
Cats, is my guess.
She'll love them.
And want to have lots and lots of them.
I'm thinking she might be 20.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Are you? Oh.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
Uh, Hope, Michael.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Gary is not here yet, right? - No.
- Right.
Come on.
Have a seat in our, uh, living room.
Thank you.
Ooh! Great house! Driving together was too much of a commitment? Uh, he offered.
It's just I have this thing about riding on handlebars.
Do you want me to bring up the cats? I've had it about two years now.
It's contemporary.
It's mostly emerging artists.
It's very small.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Eve has that gallery on Lombard.
Oh, the one with the big red thing on the side? Honey, it's a sculpture.
It's by what's his name? I can never remember his name.
Erica Crawford.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Someone slashed my tires.
Hi.
Come here.
Excuse me.
Oh, Eve, um - So? - Well, I just met her.
You don't like her.
- She's very nice.
- I knew this would happen.
- Why did I bring her here? - Gary! What? You like her? I hate her.
I think she's ugly.
You do like her.
You do! I didn't know who he was, but he was definitely cute.
So anyway, so he joins the crowd, and he starts watching this performance piece? And these two performance artists, they're reenacting early man's discovery of water or something.
They discovered water? It was a very quick discovery, like, "Ooh, there's water!" Anyway, so these two guys are dying of thirst - in the hinterland - And they start fighting.
And this one guy says, "We should go this way!" And this other guys says, "We should go this way!" Only they're doing it in grunts, while throwing paint at each other.
And this one guy gets the paint right in his face, and he starts gagging.
So this guy starts pounding him on the back, only it's not an act anymore.
And Gary thinks that the guy's really choking.
So he fl He fli I mean, he literally flies out of the crowd, shouting, "I know the Heimlich maneuver.
" Bam, bam, bam! I save his life.
And the guy is fighting him off, everyone is laughing They're clapping, I take a bow, I look over, and there she is.
And he's covered with paint from here to here, and he just He looks so goofy.
And she's thinking to herself, "Who's this incredibly adorable guy?" He had this silly, boyish grin on his face.
And I said to myself, "Uh-uh.
" Not this time.
" Then he asked me for a paper towel, and I thought, "What the hell?" What are you laughing about? - It's great.
Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
- Bye, Gar.
- Bye.
Hey, you have such nice folks.
- I hope they liked me.
- God, I hope so.
She's terrific.
She's real, she's intelligent.
Has she known Gary long? So you're saying, if I love this woman, I should give her some indication of that.
Oh, I mean, you don't have to come right out and tell her.
- This is a relief.
- But you should give her some kind of sign.
- Flowers? Candy? - No.
She's dieting.
You know her? She gets around.
Maybe you could write her a letter.
Put it in writing! Umm Would I have to sign it? Oh, signing it would make it much more personal.
Yeah, I could say something like, "Love ya, babe.
" And then I wouldn't actually have to print the words, "I blank you," would I? Or you could just tell her No, I'd rather show her.
Oh, showing is good.
Do you have any idea how you would do that? - Mm-hmm.
- Like, um Could we talk specific acts - of pleasure? - Yes! Yes.
I could rub her foot.
Ooh.
And I could kiss her neck.
Stop it, I'm getting jealous.
He's also got this thing about the backs of her knees.
- Oh, you know what? - What? - I have that very same thing.
- You do? Maybe I should dump her for you.
That way, I wouldn't have to explain any thing.
Yeah.
I'd hate to have to explain this to her.
Are you sure that we shouldn't call the police? No.
There's nothing missing.
Probably just some kids.
I must have left the door unlocked.
Nice neighbors, Gar.
Kids on our block, they don't usually drive around in assault vehicles.
Well, where do we start? Oh, no, that's okay.
You go home.
Michael and I can clean this up.
Excuse me? You've got that opening tomorrow.
It's okay.
It's not as bad as it looks.
- Was this a lamp? - Gary, I really want to help.
It's okay.
I have to wait for the insurance people to see it.
Really.
Uh, are we still on for Friday night? - 7:00? - Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Oh! - Thanks.
Good night.
- Someone's trying to kill me.
- What? Look at this place! You think children did this? "Die, Die, Die?" See my clothes? Slashed with a razor blade.
My favorite jacket.
I could have been in this.
- Gary - I could have been wearing this.
Gary, we're in the realm of serious paranoia here.
This is not the work of murderers.
Murderers don't muss up apartments.
Murderers murder people.
I gotta go.
You're gonna leave me like this? Gary, it's almost midnight.
I've been up since 5:00 am, when I was woken by an insane, love struck telephone call.
And I have got to get some sleep.
Come on.
Come home with me.
Sleep on the couch.
Janey can wake us both up in 6 hours.
No, I wouldn't be able to sleep.
It's okay.
- It's okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
You're gonna leave me here? Good night, Gary.
You'll be sorry when I'm dead.
Only the good die young, babe.
Mr.
Shepherd, they're in a meeting.
It came in the mail this morning.
Gee! A dead rat.
Who gives someone a dead rat? You're not gonna touch it, no! Mike, there's a note! Look at that! This is great.
Look here.
A nice present.
"Dear Degenerate.
" Just wacky kids, huh, Mike? Whoa! That's wild.
Okay.
Okay, look.
We got slashed tires, We have a trashed apartment.
We got dead rat with a note.
Now is he trying to tell us something by his choice of items.
Let's take another look at the note.
- The note.
- Oh, the note.
Here it is.
I know who you are.
I know what you did.
You're dead.
Okay, what can we read into that? I know who you are.
Someone you know.
Or who knows you.
Who you don't know? So we're down to friends or strangers.
Okay, let's stay focused here.
First thing you got to do, solve this.
Take it one step at a time and the first step is a detailed examination of the scene of the crime.
Why don't you guys come with me? Watch your step.
Everything should be considered evidence.
Okay, from what I can determine the initial crime took place right about here.
Okay, you want to bring the list of known suspects with you, please.
Nine women.
All who have hated Gary with in the past six months.
Okay, we got to start pairing this down.
Well, first off.
We can eliminate the ones with no last names.
I remember their names.
I remember all their names.
We can also eliminate anyone described as "the girl who has a great tan.
" That's two of those.
So I forgot a couple of names.
Big deal.
Iris Culbert.
Iris Culbert? Alice Culbert.
Oh, right.
What do we got? Okay, we got Marry, Dianne, Trina, Karen, Karen Jenny, and the Culbert twins.
Why does it have to be a woman? These women don't hate me.
Had to be a man.
Were any of them married? Yeah, sort of.
Yeah, sort of? - They were separated.
- Who? Jenny Van Damme.
Do you think her husband did it? That's it.
That's it? He's a professor at my college.
He's in the psych department.
He'd have access to rats.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? He'd have access to rats? Yeah.
Gary, this is breaking an entering.
All the offices look that same.
I was preoccupied.
I didn't watch were I was going.
I walked into the wrong office.
- And what, we were preoccupied, too? - You saw my error and came to tell me I was in the wrong office.
You realized your mistake.
You felt embarrassed, so you typed the note telling Profes - What's his name? - Van Damme.
Van Damme, that you stumbled into his office by accident.
Only you forget you take the note with you.
We compare the type face to the note on the rat and we prove he's our man.
We are breaking into a man's office and why are we doing that? All because you believe there is some insidious rat connection.
It's all clear.
I'm not doing this.
I'm not in this man's office.
I'm not going to be arrested.
My name is not going to be in the paper.
I'm not going to be publicly humiliated.
Elliot, the door.
There it is.
Will you look at this.
Wood, Pavlov, Watson, Skinner.
This man is into some serious shock the chicken psychology.
Sure you have enough light, Gary.
I can turn on the overheads.
I'd hate for anybody not to know we were here.
- Whose got the note? - Watson is so cool.
He did like these awesome deprivation experiments on cats.
Every good boy He's going to back any minute.
He's going to walk right in that door, Gary.
I checked his schedule.
He's in the lecture hall right now, okay.
So he's got these cats, right.
And he says to himself, "What if chained them up?" "Put some food just outside their reach and shock them a whole bunch.
" Elliot.
You guys come here.
The type faces match exactly.
Excuse me Dr.
Van Damme.
Yes.
I have that box you wanted.
Every good boy deserves sex.
So now Watson got all these dead cats, right.
Not once in my entire adult life have I felt like such an idiot.
Me too.
Shouldn't we have worn gloves? We went it.
We got it.
We all came out alive plus the type faces match exactly.
It's a IBM selectric.
What you have is an exact match with 500,000 typewriters.
Trust me, Michael.
I have a feeling on this one.
This is a man that would seek retribution.
Oh, he's a 10 year professor.
He's a psychologist for God's sake.
Negative stimuli will nearly always induce aberrant behavior.
The anti-social personality thus provoked will totally justified in taking revenge.
He would terrorize, mutilate, maim or quite easily murder the transgressor without the slightest hesitation.
In fact he would derive great pleasure from the act.
You can't go out tonight because someone is trying to kill you.
Now why doesn't this make sense to me? I don't know if he's actually trying to kill me.
No, no.
I like this.
I never dated anyone on a hit list before.
Is this mafia related? All right, here it is.
I sort of knew his wife.
You mean you know her to say hi, right? I mean you chat in the checkout line at the supermarket.
That sort of thing.
You know I can see how that would make him jealous.
- We sort of went out.
- What the movies? Dancing? Bowling? All right, I had a very brief relationship with her.
It was very brief.
Gary, I don't care what you did.
You don't.
No.
As long as it wasn't, let's say in the last six weeks.
In which case I would kill you in some hideous way.
No, it was months ago.
So then we're fine.
Yeah.
And if we can't go out.
We'll just have to stay in.
Yeah.
We'll play Scrabble or Monopoly.
Monopoly? Or Risk.
Yeah, Risk.
World domination.
RagnaroÃk.
Twilight of the Gods.
Nuclear winter.
You are really twisted.
That's me.
In touch with my barbaric sensibility.
Yes, you certainly are.
You probably swoop down with the Visigoths and smite me.
I'd never smite you.
How many times have I heard that before? No, really.
I would never What? I'd never smite you.
What? What, what? - What are you thinking? - I'm not thinking anything.
How could I think at a time like this? I'm sorry.
What is it? This is the side of me you don't know.
You don't want to know.
Let's forget it, okay.
No.
You can tell me.
Come on.
I just Uh, it's Look at me, I'm so distressful.
I never used to be that way.
Two years ago there was this guy and I love him and he was really nice and I thought we had a future.
- And - Turn out to be a jerk.
No, he was really nice.
Even when he was telling me that he'd been sleeping with a friend of mine for three weeks.
And two years is a long time, but I mean it's taken a long time.
Until you.
Why is it so hard to believe that things can change? Would you mind smiting me? What's wrong? It's just a cramp.
Oh.
Stakeout report, Professor Van Damme's house.
03800 hours.
Still no movement within.
Suspect has no shown himself.
If no action in the next few minutes suggest moving on to a better house.
It's coming on again, that stupid feeling.
We have stepped into some deep stupidity here.
Shh.
- I see something.
- Where? Where? - There.
- Where? No, I'm not going to look.
I'm not going to get drawn in.
I refuse to sink even deeper into infantile behavior.
I've drawn the line.
I will not cross it.
- Look at that body.
- Where? Let me see.
Quick, you're going to miss her.
Oops, she's gone.
Are you through with those? Still no movement.
What, if anything, are we looking for? Unusual behavior.
Any pathological.
Why do you buy these cheap compilation tapes? I mean they dupe them at the speed of light.
Absolute zilch quality.
I a little louder, Elliot! Maybe the people at the other end of block would like to make out the lyrics! Okay, now listen! You can really hear it! You hear that hiss! Thank you, Elliot! Thank you for pointing that out for me! Before, I was mindly enjoying the music, but for now on all I'll hear is the hiss! This is Sally, our Dalmatian.
She just had ten puppies.
They share a bath tube on the second floor of the firehouse.
- Hi.
- Hi.
He's not here is he.
No, they left about an hour ago.
I No, really.
You're probably trying to Oh, you must be Eve.
Hope has told me all about you.
You have no secrets anymore.
Eve, Nancy.
Nancy, Eve.
Oh, I'm sorry, - Hi.
- Hello.
- Nice to me you.
They're all out together, aren't they? Yup.
Do you have any idea where they went? I think I heard the word stakeout.
- Stakeout.
- Stakeout? Yeah.
- As in - Yup.
Oh.
Wake up early in the morning.
My favorite part, listen.
In the shed that your baby holds so dear.
Momma little show, make love no more And surely, surely they going to come to you.
Hold it.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Say it's all right Say it's all right It's all right.
We're nice and low Remove the snow.
Down and down a road It's all right.
Oh, it's all right Chorus.
Listen to that chorus.
Here they come.
Here they come.
Sorry.
When you run home Land I know.
It's all right It's all right.
It's all right Say it's all right This is ridiculous.
Nobody is ever going to come out of there.
It's like he has this built in early warning system.
He can just sense when I'm about to get serious about something.
Anything.
The needle it hits the red zone and zing.
He finds some stupid way of making me laugh.
Which only makes me want to get more serious about whatever it was.
And then he does it again.
And I'm hating him for doing this.
Meanwhile, I'm rolling on the floor laughing.
- Why does this sound so familiar? - Is it genetic? I mean, do all men have this inbred fear of anything that approximates seriousness.
What is it that they are afraid of? That we're going to make fun of them or something.
I remember dating some serious guys.
Yeah, in college.
They were always hanging out at the cinema.
God, they were dull.
- The worst.
- In bed.
So as I see I had this choice, right? It's either Nietzsche or Pee-Wee Herman.
There's no middle ground.
You ever think about women? Not that I recall.
I mean, the concept.
Big picture, women.
Women are amazing.
Never do this with a woman.
This is What we are doing here, this is profoundly male.
Women would never understand it.
You want to pass me a baby wipe.
My infrared glass are fogged.
How do you explain this to a woman? You don't.
They never get it.
Eve would understand.
Yeah, Eve's great.
Hope understands.
Hope's great.
So is Eve.
Yeah.
Nancy understands.
I really think he loves you.
At least he isn't dull.
Used to be able to stay up all night.
What happen to us? We're over the hill.
How did we get over the hill? I haven't climbed the hill, yet.
I haven't even seen the hill.
Okay, what's next? Next? Next, Hope is gonna kill me for not being able to take care of Janey.
Trying to avoid you.
I'll call you back right away.
Okay, Gary, it's Eve.
8:00.
Where are you? Oh, no! Eve.
I forgot.
I was supposed to go to the ballet last night.
Gary? It's Jenny.
Jenny Van Damme.
You may not remember me.
It's been three whole days.
Since our meaningful experience.
Anyway, I just thought I should let you know that I got back together with my husband and I told him all about us.
And, I'm not sure about this, but I think he hired some private detectives or something.
At least three guys were watching our house all last night.
I don't think there's any reason to panic, - but then again - Eve, hi.
- Eve.
- Are you panicking, Gary? A guy's wife? Two or three months ago? I tried to tell you.
I just didn't think you'd understand.
I understand.
You slept with her last weekend and you lied to me.
We should go.
Don't bother.
I'm leaving.
You boys can stay here and play.
Don't worry, Gary.
Children aren't responsible for their actions.
It's been real fun playing with you.
Bye! Eve! Eve! Come on! Come on, let's talk about this.
Fine.
You wanna talk? What do you want to say? Come on, Gary, talk! I'm waiting! You gotta listen to me.
I I Yeah, right.
Eve! I gotta go, guy.
Hope's gonna kill me.
It's okay.
Why don't you call her in a little while.
- She'll cool down.
- It's no problem.
Really.
Thanks.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
- What's it matter? - Matter? Yes.
You seem I don't know.
You seem tense.
You better go before the police run out of red cabs.
We'll see each other again, won't we? Sometime, I'm sure.
You're just going to leave me like that? Why? Because Gary, you're a sniveling coward.
Cary.
The name's Cary.
You have me confused with Gary Shepherd.
- He's the sniveling coward.
- Excuse me? - Gary Shepherd? - Excuse me! I mean, he's terrified of everything women, Van Damme.
The man is afraid of his own shadow.
He's a spineless, whimpering little Sorry.
Aren't you Gary Shepherd? I've seen you play squash before.
- You're very good.
- Elliot? Shh.
Let's pretend like we're strangers on a bus.
I know what you're going through, Gary.
Trust me, the last thing you want to do is commit to a relationship.
I did.
Look what happened to me.
You open up to a woman once, the use it against you for the rest of their life.
Honesty is not the answer, Gary.
- Then what is? - Murder! Here's the deal.
You kill my wife, I knock off Eve for you.
It's perfect.
That way, I don't have to confront Nancy, you don't have to confront Eve.
It's the ideal solution.
It's childish, it's cowardly, it's irresponsible.
Come on, Gar.
What do you say? I mean, where does Elliot get off saying something like that? He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know anything about me.
I didn't know you had birds.
Gary, a relationship is nothing to be afraid of.
The little guy's out of his cage.
I mean, look at nature.
Every animal has a mate.
That's gotta tell you something, Gar.
Speaking of nature.
Everything in nature is for a reason.
Nature doesn't make mistakes.
See, Gary? There's nothing to be afraid of.
You can live happily ever after, just like us.
I gotta go.
What's happening here? Everybody I know has suddenly turned weird.
Am I dreaming or what? What happened to you? Broke my leg.
The thing I don't understand is, what happened to his invalid wife? I have a right to be scared.
Look at Michael.
He got serious about Hope and it ruined his life.
He got married, doesn't have any fun anymore.
And last time I saw him, he was about to be eaten by birds.
What's he doing with that big trunk? And Elliot, he's riding around in buses looking for somebody to bump off his wife.
He's dragging it down the stairs.
Doesn't this tell you something? My God, I think he killed her! - Who? - The man in the rear window.
- What? - I think I know why he did it, too.
He was afraid she would find out something, something horrible.
Some deep dark secret.
Something terrible.
Like like Like maybe he's afraid of sex but keeps having affairs to make people think that he's not.
Gosh, Gar, do you think that could be your problem? See, Gary? There's nothing to be afraid of.
The last thing you want to do is commit to a relationship.
Like maybe he's afraid of sex but keeps having affairs to make people think that he's not.
What do you want from me? Love.
Surprised? Yes.
No getting rid of me, is there? I could use a drink.
I have some scotch.
With water, no ice.
Sorry, he's dead to the world.
I tried to wake him up, but he mumbled something about being innocent and went back to sleep.
It's okay.
I'll talk to him later.
It's not important.
He told me about Eve.
No secrets between you two, huh? I guess that's what it takes.
You really screwed up good.
Yeah.
Do you want to talk about it? No.
It's not the kind of thing I like to share.
I know.
I've gone out with all these women, right.
And each one was like this enigma.
And each time I'd want to believe this was it.
This one I can really feel, really touch, and she can touch me.
But lying there after making love, all I could feel was this hollow ache.
Of course, that'd last about half an hour and then it was like, "What ache?" Then with Eve, the ache just wasn't there.
And you think a normal person would say, "Great.
" No pain.
This is good.
" But me, it was like, "Where'd my ache go? That's my ache.
How dare you try and take it away.
" And then she left.
And there it was again.
And it won't go away.
And now I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of it.
You should call her.
That's the thing about being a coward.
You know you're supposed to do it.
You just can't do it.
Yes? I'm here.
- And you are? - Shepherd.
Gary Shepherd.
I'm the guy you've been following around for the last couple of days.
You slashed my tires, ransacked my apartment, sent me a dead rat in the mail.
Why would I want to do something like that? 'Cause I slept with your wife.
Is there a purpose to this visit? Yes.
I want you to do whatever it is you're planning to do.
I'm not gonna hid anymore.
I'm not gonna sneak around.
I'm here.
You want to do something to me? Do it.
I want this to end.
All right.
If you insist.
Wh What are you doing? Oh, I think you know.
You're actually gonna do it? What are you, crazy? You can't get away with this.
What's the matter, Mr.
Shepherd? I thought you wanted to face up to what you did.
Take what's coming to you.
I I do.
I just don't want to die.
Die? Oh, I'm not gonna kill you.
You're not? Oh, I thought about it.
I wanted you to know that your actions do affect others.
But what you did effected me so deeply that But then I saw that it didn't work.
You just kept having more and more fun.
So I stopped.
And I thought instead I'd send you this.
Put it on your trophy shelf, with all the photos of all the other women you've slept with.
Someday you'll want to look back at your accomplishments.
And as far as I can see, this is the only thing you do well.
So you'll want to remember it.
The good times.
Well, this is it, Mr.
Shepherd.
For you, this is as good as it gets.
Hi.
I I just wanted to say We can skip the apologies.
It hurts but it's not the end of the world.
Look, maybe we can talk later.
- I really have to go.
- She She didn't mean anything.
Thank you, Gary.
That makes me feel a lot better.
You can say the same thing about me when you meet the next one.
I don't know why I did it.
- I'm warped.
- Oh, come on.
You're a smart guy.
You can do better than that.
You must have some reason.
What, um, you couldn't help yourself? - It just happened? - It didn't just happen.
I thought I had to test my feelings to see if I loved you.
But That's not it.
I screwed it up on purpose.
I didn't trust myself to love you.
I mean, when you get right down to it, maybe I can't do it.
Maybe I'm not capable of it.
Or maybe I just don't deserve it.
And maybe that's just too scary to think about.
I was scared.
I am so scared.
You should be.
You should be very scared because you came dangerously close to blowing it.
You almost fell in love with me.
I did.
I did! I did! I did! I did!