Those Who Can't (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Gather 'round, ye educators! What do you see? Oh.
I know this one.
The gym.
No.
It's a memory maker.
No, he's right.
It's the gym.
- This is the gym.
- I think he's right.
It's the gymnasium.
There's the scoreboard.
I've seen people exercise in here.
Look, I realize all those items are in here, yes, but it's also the home of this year's prom.
Ohh.
- Oh, come on, Quinn.
- Yeah.
After that debacle last year at the Marriott, I thought it was best to go ahead and hold it here.
Kind of avoid another trail of beers.
The kids picked that theme.
That wasn't us.
And how it slipped by me, I do not know.
So, this year, I picked the theme, and I went with Candyland! I'm the Candy Man! [Laughs maniacally.]
Oh, my Awesome! Candy Man is terrifying.
By the way, your attendance is mandatory.
- Aw, come on.
- What? And I knew that would be your reaction, which is why I'm also allowing all of you to bring dates.
- Oh, that's great.
- Oh, great.
Now I have two depressing prom stories.
Well, I'll tell you who is pumped for prom me.
I was five-time prom king.
Yeah.
Valedictorian, Starting Q.
B.
, Class President, Treasurer No, that's not possible.
Yes-huh.
That is not a thing.
- Yeah, I was.
- No way.
Bing it.
Bing it.
Quinn, is it mandatory we bring a date? Well, not for you, no.
It's woman-datory! [Laughs.]
Aah! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through I've been using this Kindling dating App to try to find a prom date, and so far, I've got zero matches.
Well, let me look at your profile.
No, dude.
Whoa-ho-ho! Steamy photo.
I can see your belly button.
It says here that your hobbies include "getting potle with my boys.
" What is "potle with my boys"? It's "poat-lay," as in chipotle.
[Laughs.]
You know, we all just can't bring our wives and just fight our way across the dance floor.
Well, if you must know, my wife and I are getting a divorce, or as you would say, "Vorce.
" Dude, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were getting vorced.
May divorce be with you.
Well, it's probably for the best.
I'm fine.
You know? Hey, It'll give me time to get back to the things that I really love.
Like maybe I'll start teaching again.
Or my music.
Oh, man, well, if you're getting your awful, violent band together, maybe you guys should play prom.
You think they'd play with me? You think they'd do it? No, dude, I'm just totally messing with you.
You're probably right.
I bet they would.
That's a great idea! Hey, how's it going for you on Kindling? It is raining douche for me.
I am never gonna find a prom date.
I just swiped left on some loser named "sodapay99.
" It's pronounced "so dope," and it's "nine nine!" Like the year I graduated? Whoa! That's you? You have, like, no matches.
Yeah, I'm aware.
It says here that you love mountain climbing.
Really? What's the last mountain that you climbed? Depression.
That took a hard left.
Anyway, just like high school, looks like I'm gonna be going to prom by myself.
Well, you don't have a prom date, and I don't have a prom date.
That's a great idea! We'll go together as friends.
Oh, I was sort of just saying the facts as they happen, but, yeah, okay.
Sure.
Why not? We can go together.
Yeah.
What time is your mom gonna pick us up? What? I hear you, Mr.
Shoemaker, but the fact of the matter is, there is no money left in the prom budget for a live band.
I spent everything on some fun edible arrangements for the kids.
But these guys will do it for free.
Okay? And they're awesome.
They were on the verge of greatness until some Yoko came along and got pregnant and broke them up.
But the kids are gonna love them.
Okay, fine.
But I want to reiterate Nothing loud or aggressive, okay? - Nope.
- Remember, Candyland! Yeah! I promise.
I mean, it's not like their singer is on the verge of some sort of crazy manic episode because my wife is leaving him.
That doesn't even make any sense, does it? Ha ha ha! I don't even know what I was saying.
The principal will see you now! Thanks, Tammy.
You really do a great job around here.
[Sniffles.]
I think he has cancer.
So, you're telling me that none of your prom stories were true and that you never even once got a cheerleader pregnant? She got pregnant, all right, but not by my sword.
I actually fell on my own sword that evening, several times.
And now it's about to happen again.
That's nonsense.
You could get a prom date like that.
But I haven't had sex in 11 months.
Ohh! What the hell was that for?! - I don't know.
- Jesus! My world is crumbling right now.
I think that's a bit of an overreaction.
Yeah, well, the coolest guy I know, it turns out he's a loser! Hey, I didn't come in here to be ridiculed.
I came in here to tell you that I will not be chaperoning your stupid prom.
- Wait! - Ow! So, guess what.
We're gonna go together.
Two stags, running wild in the night.
I don't know, Quinn.
That all sounds a little Well, gay.
Well, then don us now our gay apparel.
"So dope nine nine!" You said it the right way.
- Yeah.
- You know what? Yes.
Why not? - Yes? - Yeah, I'll go.
- This is happening? - I'll go to prom.
[Laughs.]
Friends.
Just friends going to prom.
Oh, that is the spirit.
- Tammy, - Don't tell.
Press me now my gay apparel! I just got a prom date with Mr.
Loren Payton! That was the school-wide intercom.
I cannot catch a break.
Billy: Yeah, let's bring it back.
Oh, you're almost there.
Keep going.
A little more.
Mm! You know what? I don't like it.
I was wrong.
Push it back towards the wall all the way back where it was.
- I'm so - [Clears throat.]
Hey.
Shit heel! Neezles! You got my messages.
Yeah, all nine of them, 4:00 A.
M.
Yeah, you kind of scared my kids with that laughing/crying stuff, man.
Are you okay, Billy? I'm fine! Those were joke messages.
Remember, the Jerky Boys.
"Hey, there, tough guy.
" - It didn't sound like jokes.
- It was that.
- It sounded serious.
- Doesn't matter.
You're here now.
We should get up onstage and do a little sound checking.
Sound You don't think we're actually gonna play prom with you, do you? We haven't played in over a decade, Billy.
Capitalist emulsification was the high water mark of all of our lives.
I think that my daughter being born was pretty cool.
Yeah, we had 10 years last week.
We were the preeminent post-anarchist speed bludgeon band in Denver.
And I tell you what, dudes.
You want to go back to your shitty normal lives, well, you just be my guest.
You go ahead.
All right, man.
Well, good seeing you.
- What? - Yeah, nice to see you, Billy? Get some help, man.
- It's just a statement.
- Are you Geoffrey Quinn? I got the invoice for the edibles.
Do I look like Geoffrey Quinn to you? Wait.
Is this all for tonight? Yeah, it's for tonight.
The principal's a huge hippie.
The prom is Candyland.
I'm sorry I bothered you guys.
Well, hey, hey, hey.
You know, I don't see why we can't call the girls and say we're gonna be a little late tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, hey, get the band back together.
Capitalist, uh - Capitalist emasculation.
- Capitalist emancipation.
- Are you serious? - Yeah! Oh, God! That's awesome! I didn't realize you guys had such a sweet tooth, but that's great! I'm gonna go get my leathers! Which one gives me, like, a body high, like I'm getting my nipples sucked? Just do all of them together, and then do more.
I never thought to eat a sandwich like this.
It's great, right? Every prom.
Most I've ever eaten 2 feet 3 inches.
My dates would usually finish the rest.
Your dates ate 3 feet 9 inches of a sub? Sometimes.
They learned how in basic eating class.
- [Chuckles.]
- You mean lunch.
No, basic eating came right before lunch.
They just wanted us to be ready.
Wait.
What school did you go to again? Ugh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to answer that.
No, ugh The school for Unusually Gifted Humans "Ugh.
" - You mean U.
G.
H.
? - Yeah.
But isn't that school for re Ally great kids? - The greatest.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
My mom said all the schools in our area were really bad, so she loopholed me in.
I loved it.
There were blind kids, deaf kids, kids in scamps.
So were all the kids disabled? Well, we said "special.
" I learned not to judge people on how they walk or talk or don't walk or don't talk.
[Chuckles.]
I-I've never met a guy like you, Fairbell.
You're not like any lady I've ever met.
You have, like, mermaid hair.
[Both laugh.]
That's so nice, Fairbell.
Uh, um Oh.
Oh.
[Grunts.]
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to kiss me?! Wait.
Time-out! Time-out! Time-out! I thought we were going to prom as friends.
What? Wait.
Are you putting me in the friend zone? Friend zo Is that that old laser tag place? Oh, my God.
Is that what you want to do? We can go do laser tag.
I just never thought Wait.
Then we can putt putt! Wait up! Wait! Wait! Whoa! Quinn, you got us a limo.
Do I look like Quinn to you? Jesus.
No, Tammy, you look like Grimace.
Tough talk coming from Guy Fieri.
- [Sighs.]
- This is not Guy Fieri.
It's Eminem, Circa nine-nine.
Where the hell is Quinn? Right here.
He's on the phone for you.
What is this, "Charlie's Angels"? Quinn, where the hell are you? - Hey, Loren! - [Chuckles.]
One of the Jesse's fell down an abandoned silver mine.
So, what You stood me up to help him? No.
If I could be there, I-I absolutely would.
I, um [Cell door closes.]
Tonight's not about me.
It's about you and having that prom that you deserve, you cool guy, you best friend.
[Snorts, cries.]
Quinn, are you crying? - [Crying.]
- No! No! I just happened to get some silver dust.
[Sniffs.]
In both of my eyes At the exact same time.
So I got to, uh, get out of here.
Take care of Tam-Tam.
Time's up with the phone, so Hey Bud.
[Slow rock music plays.]
Whoa.
It looks like Burning Man in here.
Hey, uh, can we keep what happened earlier just between us? Oh, like a secret between friends? Yeah.
Yeah.
Easy.
- Thank you, friend.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Oh, Shoemaker.
- Hey, what? Guess what earlier, Abbey tried to kiss me, and I was all, "No, thank you!" What the shit, Fairbell?! Oh! You got put in the friend zone! No, no, I put him in the friend zone! No, you got put in the friend zone! - Wha - He's my friend.
Hey, Beth, check it out Earlier, she tried to kiss me, and I was all, "no.
" Hey, that's That's great.
I got I got to get out of here.
She's a student! Uh, she's also a friend.
[Rock music plays.]
- [Distorted.]
- What's wrong with you? - [Distorted.]
- Yeah, you look messed up.
What? Nothing.
- [Normal voice.]
- Something's up.
- [Normal voice.]
- For sure.
Hey, get your head out of that punch bowl! Oh, cool hair, dude.
You look like an ice queen.
Earlier, Abbey tried to kiss me, and I was like, "no!" - Oh, my God, Fairbell.
- "It's not that kind of a date.
" No wonder you were never into me.
You only like these prom kings.
You want to tell friendship secrets? The only reason that Fairbell was top of the food chain is because he went to a school for special kids.
- Wait.
You went to U.
G.
H.
? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
all your prom king wins make perfect sense now.
You know what? I prefer U.
G.
H.
, okay? At least they weren't mean like you normies.
Look, Fairbell, you're a Normie.
- Nuh-unh.
- Oh, man.
Oh, come on, friend! I'm sorry! - God, so sensitive.
- Wow.
U.
G.
H.
Are you kidding me? Sit down right here and don't move.
I hear you're in charge.
Uh, I guess so, until Quinn gets back.
Well, he owes me 15 grand for these Edible arrangements.
For candy?! No, come on.
This is pot candy.
Look at our logo.
It's got Z's instead of S's.
Actually, it's an incredibly common mistake.
It's how we make all our money.
I'm gonna go see who's 18.
Holy shit.
Quinn just dosed an entire graduating class.
#Legend.
Okay.
Things are gonna get ugly fast.
Keep calm.
Keep everybody mellow.
[Guitar chord strums.]
- [Cockney accent.]
- All right, lovelies! This one's for Leeds! Unce, 2, 3, 4! Raining blood! Wow.
Holy shit.
He looks like such an asshole.
Corporations are taking over [Bang.]
Stupid normies.
Ugh! I was too prom king.
Who spilled all this water here and didn't clean it up?! That's rule one of basic eating! [Girl grunting loudly.]
Hello? Coach coming in.
Cover up your you-know-whats.
[Grunting.]
Oh, my God! My baby's coming! [Breathing rapidly.]
I'm gonna call 911.
Oh, God.
Woman: You have reached 911.
The current wait time is 83 minutes.
- Shh.
- You shh! If this is an emergency, please hang up.
Okay, let's try plan "B.
" What? No! It's too late for that! You have to take that the day after! Just stay here.
Don't let anything in or out.
I'm gonna be back with a grown-up.
- I'll try.
- [Grunting.]
Who spilled this water?! Eat your money, piggy, piggy oink oink oink eat your money, piggy, piggy raining in blood! Eat your money, piggy, piggy oink oink oink Not a lot of metaphor in these lyrics, huh? Yeah.
Kind of on the nose.
Eat your money, piggy, piggy oink oink oink eat your money, piggy, piggy - [Feedback.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Did we blow a fuse or Tammy, what are you doing? These kids are stoned out of their minds, Shoemaker.
Your midlife crisis is causing a real-life crisis! What? Midlife crisis? Guys, I'm not having Get off the stage, Billy Idol.
Back off.
This is bigger than you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, It's more important than you.
- [Instruments crashing.]
- All right.
You know what? Sometimes the man tries to shit in your denim! But you got to fight back.
Ohh! [Groaning.]
I am nothing! Get away! Shut up! Stupid ass.
Thank God.
Dr.
Green, you got to come with me.
Beth is about to become two people.
Dude, you should call a doctor.
Wait.
How far apart are her contractions? Contractions? I don't know.
She's just breathing like this.
[Breathing rapidly.]
- That's not pregnant.
- She's clearly pregnant.
Sweet Jesus! Abbey, Dr.
Green, go help Fairbell with Beth.
Come on.
Loren, I need you to help keep these kids calm.
Me? What am I supposed to do? Step up, Slim Shady, while I go order 400 Ubers to get these kids home! She's right.
I am Slim Shady.
All those other Slim Shady's are just imitating.
Oh, Jesus.
Little Debbie, go get me a laptop, huge headphones, and a $17 bottle of water, stat! This is about to be so God damn dope.
Okay, I don't know what's going on down there, but that Venus Flytrap is infected.
Typical doctor Stoned as shit.
It's okay.
I'm a former doula.
Former? Well, there was a There was a shoving incident.
- It's not a big deal.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're the shoving doula? H-how do you get certified for that? What, do you take 10 yoga classes? Give me some.
Okay.
You're everything that's wrong with modern medicine.
Yeah, well, you're a bicycle with eyeballs.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't you shove me, doula! [Groaning.]
Beth, don't worry.
Remember, I'm the health teacher, okay? I got this.
Oh, dear God, no! Stupid normies.
[Blubbering.]
We are a real band.
Gross.
What is this? Ugh.
[Beth groaning.]
Hello? Okay.
Now, how do deejays do this again? Oh, yeah.
[Dance music plays.]
[Grunting.]
You know what? It's actually pretty cool.
Looks like a cat going through a fence.
Whoa, whoa.
What is going on in here? Beth's having her baby, and these two won't stop fighting.
I need some help.
Okay.
No worries.
I've done this before.
I was around for my son's birth, and I remember it all very vivid [Gags.]
[All cheering.]
This is deejay "sodopay nine-nine"! [Cheers and applause.]
Just reminding you all, your mind might go to some dark places, and it might get scary for a minute, and it might get away from you, but here's what you got to remember.
When it goes away, when all hope is lost, yo, it always comes right back! [all cheering.]
Billy: Baby witch! Can somebody who knows what they're doing help me out?! You guys aren't helping at all because all you're doing is yelling! - Shh! - Oh, my God.
Get it together! I have fluid on my lips.
It's coming! Ooh, time-out.
Time-out.
No, no, no more time-outs, coach! Now, none of y'all are gonna tell your parents about this, right? No! No! No! No! This shit ain't for them! Also, we'll get crazy arrested! When I say "sodopay," you say "nine-nine!" Sodope! Nine-nine! Sodope! Nine-nine! Now this is music! Ha ha! - It's coming! - [Grunts.]
No, no.
I'm not ready.
Aaaaah! [Cheering continues.]
Oh, God! [All screaming.]
[Baby crying.]
Look what just fell out of Beth! Oh, my God.
[Fussing.]
Fairbell, you're a hero.
Seriously, though, w-w-what What was that? What on your finger? High five.
I can't believe we made a baby.
Yeah, let's working on phrasing that a different way.
But you really are a prom king, Fairbell.
You know, seeing the miracle of birth, witnessing it in its rawest form just made me miss my family so much.
Mm-hmm.
I think I want to have another baby with my wife.
That'll That'll fix things.
Dude, definitely.
Kids fix everything.
Right? Smoot! Mm! Superintendent Carson.
To what do we owe the pleasure? Well, I suppose you heard that Principal Quinn was arrested earlier today.
- What? - For the Edibles? No.
Apparently, he exposed himself to a group of students in some sort of a school prank.
Wow.
I can't even believe I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna defend Quinn, but Quinn didn't realize that's what he was doing.
He only went into that room naked because he thought he was going to his death.
I will not be scared anymore! He didn't know he was going in front of a bunch of kids.
Aaah! [All screaming.]
Point is, we have to have an interim principal before the gavel falls.
Agreed? And I'm appointing the obvious choice here.
Billy: Sit down, Fairbell.
Tammy.
Wait.
Tammy? - [Chuckles.]
- Thank you.
But no one's pressing charges against us tonight, right? Hell no, Tammy.
From what I've been told, the kids all had a very good time.
Yeah, you bet your ass they had a good time.
Well, until next time.
- Smoot! - [Imitates horse whinnying.]
Happy trails Till we meet again I don't think he knows he's not riding a real horse.
Those aren't the lyrics, either.
Hmm.
Man Quinn is in jail.
Wow.
I mean, should we do something? Yeah.
Clean this shit up.
Yeah.
Somebody should clean this shit up.
[All murmuring.]
I said, clean this shit up! Oh.
You mean literally.
That wasn't a Okay.
[Cell door closes.]
I'm not supposed to be here.
I'm the principal of a high school.
Fresh fish! Man: Fresh fish! Here, fishy, fishy, fishy! Isn't "Shawshank" a classic? You know, it's one of those movies, no matter how many times it's on, I always watch it.