Time Bandits (2024) s01e10 Episode Script

Hello, Hen. I'm Bittelig.
And let me tell you, I know how you feel.
- Hey?
- Being so, uh, big.
I have the same problem.
Bumping your head on doors
is a constant problem.
Am I right?
Hi, Hen. I'm Kevin Haddock.
Hello, "Kelvin Hammock."
I'm trying to save my parents.
Will you help us?
Oh, aye. I love to help people.
Can you take us
to the Fortress of Darkness?
[scoffs] You didn't say
you needed to go there.
Please. My parents are trapped in there.
Oh. Okay.
Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take you as close as I dare.
Yes.
[snores]
So, Kevin, what's your plan then?
Well, I'm planning to ask Pure Evil
to release our parents.
Yes. No, I know. But what's your plan?
Just that. Ask him.
And then when he ignores you,
what are you going to do?
I don't think he will.
I think he'll be amazed by how much
me and Saffron love our parents.
You know he's evil, right?
He won't have ever seen anything like it,
and then he'll agree
to release our parents.
I don't think this is a plan, uh, Kevin.
It is a plan, but it's a plan
that'll a hundred-percent fail.
I've been involved in some terrible
plans recently, and this is the worst one.
- Don't worry. I've got a proper plan.
- [door opens]
Oh.
Our journey is complete.
Well, Gavin, this may be
the last time you see me alive.
Yes.
I'm gonna take these kids
to the Fortress of Darkness.
Many people consider it selfless.
It's not for me to say.
This is a brave thing you're doing.
I don't care what you think.
- Anyway. Goodbye, Gavin.
- Goodbye, Penelope.
We'd better get you to the gates
of the Fortress of Darkness.
- And no further.
- Right.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
[door opens, closes]
Thank you, Hen!
Hen! Thank you, Hen!
[groans]
Oh. Guys.
[stammers] Oi, you lot.
The fortress is right there.
Oh, it is there.
[thunder rumbling]
[grunts] Now we're closer, it's a lot
worse than I thought it was gonna be.
That's where our parents are.
[Penelope] Oh, my.
[Bittelig] Yeah, I have an idea
how you get inside there, Kevin.
Actually, I have no idea
how you get inside there, Kevin.
Does that affect your plan?
[Kevin] It does a bit.
We need to be inside.
- [rumbling]
- [gasps] Hide.
Oh, no, I've revealed the secret entrance
to the Fortress of Darkness.
I do hope no one follows me in.
Don't see me, don't see me, don't see me.
He didn't see me.
Well, cheerio, Kevin. Have fun.
Yeah. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
You lot could come and help us.
Well
- No, because we said
- We made a promise.
No, I don't think we-- Yeah, we promised.
- We can't do-- Yeah.
- No, you're right.
Um, Kevin, we did agree not to help you,
and we must keep our word.
It's okay. We do need one more thing
from you though.
- Anything.
- What?
- Anything you need.
- We need the map.
- Absolutely not.
- What?
- Can't do that, mate. We need it.
- Uh, no.
Widgit, we don't need it really, do we?
But Kevin does.
Well, no, we-- we do. We do need it
because we're stuck here without it.
Kevin and "Savlon."
I do believe you can do this,
and whatever reasons you need the map for,
I-- [stammers]
I know they'll be the right reasons.
So, yes, you can have it.
Widgit, give him the map.
[Widgit sighs]
- [grunts]
- Tha-- Okay. Thank--
- [sighs]
- Widgit, but give it to him.
- I am giving it to him.
- No, you're not.
You're-- You have to let go of it.
- Widgit.
- [sighs]
- It's okay. I'll bring it back.
- Yeah, you better bring it back.
I know how much of a big deal this is
to you, Penelope, and I appreciate it.
Kevin, I understand the pain
of losing someone,
and I don't want you
to feel that pain anymore.
Save your parents.
Go with our blessing and the map,
Kevin the bandit.
And also Saffron.
We're gonna save our parents.
[screams]
- [screams]
- Kevin!
- Saffron!
- The map.
[dog barking in distance]
[door opens]
Kevin, are you all right?
- [gasps] Mum, Dad!
- [Mum] We heard banging.
Wow, that was quite
the bad dream you were having.
But I wasn't asleep.
Then how come you're having a nightmare?
I don't think I was.
[grunts]
You were just having a bad dream, Kevin.
[Madame Chung speaking Cantonese]
[foreman] Mini Stonehenges.
We're bleeding 'em dry.
[villagers screaming]
[mayor] That's what a dragon is!
[pterosaur screeching]
[Bumpy] Are y'all the gang?
We're the other gang.
[earl] Earl of Sandwich,
inventor of the sandwich.
[Musa] Welcome to Cairo.
[Saffron] 'Cause I'm riding
a flippin' mammoth. Aren't I?
[Qin Shi Huang] You can't run this way.
There's a wall here.
[Cassandra] I know you can do it.
I have faith in you.
You see, Kevin? It was just a bad dream.
But it wasn't bad, Mum. It was incredible.
- I went to Africa and Mexico and America.
- [Mum] Wonderful.
And people from all across history
spoke to me and I could understand them.
- [Mum] Wow.
- Like, look, look, look.
- [mutters]
- [chuckles]
[Kevin sighs]
Here, come downstairs and tell us
more about this dream, love.
Mexico must have been exciting.
Tell us, how did you navigate
all these magical dream worlds?
Yeah. You must've had
some sort of atlas or chart, did you?
Oh. What's that on your bed, Kevin?
Is it a school project?
It looks very strange.
Maybe that's
what's giving you bad nightmares.
Oh, it's nothing.
Well, it must be something.
It looks dirty and old.
Give it to me, Kevin.
Yeah. Give it here, Kevin.
I'll get rid of it for you.
So, how's Saffron doing?
Oh, you're a sweet boy. She's fine.
We love her to bits.
[Dad] Hey, but we love you to bits too.
Don't get jealous of Saffron
just 'cause she's the oldest.
Aha! You aren't my parents.
What? Kevin, that's awful.
What are you saying?
If you were my parents,
you'd think Saffron was my younger sister.
What are you talking about?
But the real giveaway is you've never
been interested in history before.
[babbling]
[laughing]
[Kevin gasps]
Wondered when you'd get here.
[Pure Evil]
Kevin and Saffron Haddock of Bingley.
I imagine you're probably here
to see your parents.
- Mum. Dad.
- Hiya, Kevster.
- You all right, love?
- Y-Yeah.
- Hi, Mum.
- Saffron, you look tall.
Wait a minute. Are they our real parents?
We've already seen one fake set.
Yeah. How do we know
these are the real ones?
Come on, Saff. Don't embarrass us.
- It is them.
- It is. It really is. It's Mum and Dad.
I'm so happy to see you guys alive.
That's nice.
It must have been horrible for you.
What?
Being captured by
the most evil being in the universe.
Him? No. He's not that bad, really.
- Good lad. Top man.
- Good lad.
- Yeah, great host.
- We've been getting on great.
- Really well.
- [Mum] Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- I also--
I helped him
with his Internet connectivity.
Yes. Your father set up our "wayfay."
N-No, actually it's--
it's pronounced Wi-Fi.
That's what I said.
"Wayfay."
I-- I helped him with his "wayfay."
He did. And I helped update his decor.
Yes. Look at my photo wall
with lots of wonderful memories.
How can you help him? He's evil.
He wants to make the world all spiky.
You shouldn't dismiss ideas out of hand
just because they're modern, Saffron.
- Give me the map.
- [Mum] Yeah.
If you gave him the map,
what's the worst that could happen?
He'll torture all of humankind forever.
Or longer, if I choose. [echoes]
Now, give me the map.
No, never.
- Please.
- No.
But I said the word.
Never.
Then things are
about to get very unpleasant.
And to clarify, unpleasant for you.
Not for me,
who will be loving every minute of it.
[Penelope] Not on our watch.
Penelope. We knew you'd come and save us.
Actually, we were captured too.
At last, I caught all these guys.
Well done, Fianna.
- How did you track them down?
- Oh, they were just outside.
They were just outside?
They were coming in.
And they were coming in anyway?
And now I'd like my reward.
You don't get a reward for taking them
into the place they were going anyway.
Oh, what?
I would've captured them
the minute they came in.
If anything, you slowed them down.
We only got captured because we decided
to try to save you, Kevin.
Terrible idea, as it turns out.
Us meeting up.
It's a terrible idea, is it?
No. A terrible idea to save the kids.
It's not about us, Fianna.
It's not always about us.
Fianna. Personal time, professional time.
[growls]
Kevin, you were about to give me the map.
[stammers] If you want it, just take it.
That's what we do.
Yeah, you've asked him nicely, so just go.
Well, I probably will just take it.
- Go on then.
- I could. I definitely could.
So, go on then.
If I wanted to take it,
I would just take it.
Oh, I wonder if you can.
- I can take it.
- I don't know.
Maybe the map has some kind of
supreme security system installed on it.
Oh, a supreme [sniffs]
security system. Ha ha.
And you somehow managed to outsmart that
with this bunch of "wit-nits"?
"Wit-nits"? Is it "wit-nits"?
- Nitwits?
- Nitwits.
- These nitwits?
- Yes.
Yes. It's [stutters] not really there
to stop me from getting the map.
It's obviously there
to specifically stop you.
Oh, that's right, master.
You can't touch it
unless it's gifted to you.
Oh.
That way you'd never get it
because who would be stupid--
- [grunts]
- [Penelope] Oh!
I hope that hurt.
So you can't take it?
We have to give it to you.
Let's be clear about one thing,
Saffron Haddock,
I could just torture you to get the map.
But although I am the ultimate creature
of unspeakable evil,
I am still a reasonable person.
Now, let me show you what your lives
could be like if you give me the map.
"All-toe," isn't it?
Uh, it's pronounced Alto,
but, uh, thanks for trying.
Look at this, "All-toe."
[winces]
What a piece of work is a man,
how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculty,
in form and movement
how express and admirable,
in action how like an angel,
in apprehension how like a god,
the beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals.
And yet for me,
what is this quintessence of dust?
Man delights not me.
No. Nor women neither.
[audience applauds, cheers] Bravo!
Bravo, Alto!
Yes! Encore!
Bravo!
[cheering, laughing]
- Emmie.
- [Emmie] Oh, Alto.
They love me.
I'm glad you enjoyed that, "All-toe."
It could all be yours.
He's a liar. He lies.
Kevin, don't be so rude.
[Pure Evil] Quite all right.
I do lie a lot.
I wonder what the future
holds for you, Widgit.
All right.
- Suppose I'll just have a look.
- [Kevin] No! Widgit.
[commander] I don't know
what we're going to do.
[vice admiral] I have five PhDs
and I also have no clue at all.
Thank God you're here.
We had no idea what to do.
I do know what to do.
We knew you'd save us.
Also, can you open this jar?
Yeah. I can actually, really easily.
I say give that man whatever he wants.
Well, Widgit and "All-toe"
seem pretty happy with the future so far.
Perhaps it's better this way, Kevin.
Let's see what it holds for you, Bittelig.
There's nothing you could show me
that would make me agree to work with you.
I love Kevin.
He made me appreciate being good and true.
Oh, that's me.
[chuckles]
Oh, that's us.
So your fantasy for the future
is what we're experiencing right now?
So your fantasy of the future
is what we're experiencing right now?
- Yes.
- Yeah, but that's not even the future.
- That's not even the future.
- But I'm happy.
I'm happy here and now.
- Right now.
- I'm happy right now.
Here and now. I'm here.
You want to be here,
captured by Pure Evil?
I just want us all being together.
- All right. I've identified a problem.
- Oh, really?
Yeah. How come if we're all in his one,
then how do I get what I want
if I'm busy living in what he wants?
Oh.
Yeah. How can you be in two places
at the same time?
- Doesn't make sense.
- Right.
Well [stammers] it's complicated.
Well, I'm only one person,
so I can't be in his future fantasy
and whatever it is that I want.
No, I see what you're saying.
Just watch the thing, please.
- I said, "I'm so drunk." [laughs]
- [laughing]
You're the worst.
What are you teaching these kids?
No, Dad. Mum's the best.
I know Mum's the best, but [sniffing]
I think she might be
burning our breakfast.
- The veggie bacon. [exclaims]
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Oh.
- [laughs]
- It's-- [chuckles]
Oh, Firestorm.
- [laughs]
- [kisses]
[laughing]
I can tell you like it.
You're smiling.
Well, I'm not smiling 'cause I like it.
I'm smiling because you're not
as powerful as you think you are.
I am.
- He is. He absolutely is.
- Course he is.
No, you're obviously not.
Or you would know that what you've
just shown me is the last thing I want.
I know that's what you want.
I watched you traveling throughout time
endangering your friends
just to be with him.
Mmm. But as it turns out,
Gavin doesn't love me,
and I can't imagine anything worse
than watching him be forced to love me
and not even know it.
Oh, well. Can't please everyone.
You see, Kevin,
with the exception of Penelope,
everyone is much happier this way.
Isn't that worth some silly little map?
You haven't shown me my future.
For you, things would go back
to how they were.
Your house, your parents,
your younger sister.
Maybe I'll make you a little bit taller.
Would you like that?
Your school, perhaps with fewer bullies.
I imagine you are regularly bullied
with your personality.
[grunts]
What do you think, Saff?
Nah.
No, I don't think so.
"No, I don't think so."
If you don't give it to me,
it could end up in the wrong hands.
And by that, of course, I mean,
the Supreme Being.
How can the owner of the map
possibly be the wrong hands?
He wants to use it to erase
all of human history, start again.
He calls it the great reset.
Imagine that, Kevin.
All of human history gone, wiped out.
Never to be seen again.
Everyone you've ever loved gone
as if they'd never ever existed.
He's already started deleting parts of it.
- The void.
- [gasps]
I don't want to destroy the world.
I just want to make it a miserable place.
It doesn't sound so bad.
- Does it Kevin?
- [gulps]
So, until you give it to me,
I'm going to torture you.
How? Take away his books?
No, by torturing
the people he loves the most.
- [gasps]
- No.
[Penelope] No.
[screaming]
- Oh, it's not us.
- Oh. [sighs] Phew. [chuckles]
- Give
- [screaming]
- me
- No, stop hurting them.
- the
- [Kevin] Stop!
- map
- [screaming continues]
- Kevin.
- Stop hurting them.
- [Supreme Being exclaiming]
- Stop!
- [Widgit] Whoa!
- [Penelope shouts]
[Alto exclaims]
- [Widgit] Whoa.
- Oh, it's the boss.
Oh.
[Penelope] Oh!
Whoa!
Oh, my God. [gags]
It's a bit rude shooting lightning inside.
- Yeah. Lightning is for outside.
- [strains] Yeah!
Um, sorry. We stole the map. Sorry.
[stammers]
[groans] Pure Evil.
The foulest thing I ever created.
[laughs, sighs]
- How rude.
- Now, Kevin.
So, how about you do the right thing,
and you hand that map over to me?
Don't forget,
he wants to erase all of humankind.
Oh, yes. There it is.
Come on, Kevster.
Call Fianna off.
Too easy. Give me a harder one.
Seriously? You're thinking
about giving it to him?
- [Pure Evil] Fianna.
- Yeah, babes?
- Be gone.
- Okay. Well, I'll see you later.
- Hey, Widgit. Call me.
- Yeah, I will.
You got my digits or
- Yeah, I got it.
- Excuse me. What's happening?
- Did you want them again?
- Uh, no, you're all right.
Uh, do you think you two
could do this another time?
We're right in the middle
of something here, you guys.
- Whatever.
- Get a load of this one.
I know. I would destroy her,
but she's very useful.
I want my parents freed
and sent back to their own time.
Oh, Kevin.
Honestly, it's not that bad here.
How can you say that?
I'm sorry?
[sighs] He's risked everything
to save you, and this is what he gets?
Thanks, Saff.
Saffron's right.
I know best, Mum and Dad.
You're going back home.
Fine by me. I was only using them
to lure you here, and you have been lured.
But I was gonna set up your printer.
Oh. [sucks teeth]
Well, I really want this map.
- [Bittelig] Oh, wow.
- Oh, my goodness.
- I could've done that.
- Now they're nice and safe at home.
You sure he sent them back?
He can't be trusted.
- I could feed you to my dog.
- [snarls]
Here. Look.
- She was terrible.
- [Pure Evil] There they are.
Back to living their little lives
in their little house.
Did you have a weird dream
last night, Mike?
Huh?
Kevin. My old, dear friend Kevin,
remember when we were hanging out
in that cool white space
and I promised you all that stuff?
You are an imaginative young man,
aren't you?
I can do anything, Kevin. [chuckles]
You could have anything or anyone.
You could have anything.
Anything. Anything you want.
I could still make that happen
if you just give me the map.
Of course, I'm not going to take the map.
To take something from someone
without their permission,
that wouldn't be good.
Would it, Penelope?
So why don't you give me the map,
and I'll be on my way?
Mmm. Not sure.
What do you mean you're not sure?
I just don't think resetting the universe
is the right thing to do.
[Supreme Being]
You don't need to think, do you?
When I say something is
the right thing to do, then by definition,
it is the right thing to do
because I am always right.
[sighs] I just don't think
you're right about this one.
Kevin. Strife, war, hunger, mosquitoes.
All those horrible things.
They were mistakes,
and I can get rid of them.
They won't exist
in Earth part two, the sequel.
But you're taking everything good with it.
- Yeah.
- Kevin, don't listen to him.
He thinks creation is something being
exactly as he wants it.
It never changes unless he says so,
and he makes it stay the exact same,
and he's the only one who has a say
about what it looks like
and what color it is
and how sharp the leaves are.
What would you know about creation, thief?
I know that it's messy and uncontrollable.
I know that it's trying to do something,
and then it becomes something else
and maybe that something else is better.
Well, you're wrong, okay?
You're all wrong and the world is wrong.
It's imperfect and I can fix it,
if you just give me the map.
- Hand it over, you little--
- Counterpoint.
[Supreme Being] Oh, God. Here we go.
Give it to him
and he erases human history.
Give it to me and I'll keep human history.
I'll just make it miserable.
[sighs] Oh, that's a real quandary.
Ooh, it's tough, isn't it, Kevin?
It's a lot on your shoulders.
[sucks teeth, tutting]
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give it to me.
[sighs]
I have made my choice.
I knew you were on my side.
Thank you, Kevin.
[Mum] Mike, this cushion's a bit lumpy.
[Dad] This show's a bit boring, innit?
Yeah, Kevin would love it.
Oh, yeah.
Kevster'll absolutely love this show.
- It's right up his alley. Isn't it?
- [chuckles] Yeah.
- [Mum] He does love boring things.
- [Dad] He does, doesn't he?
- [Dad] I don't understand our kids.
- [Mum] No, me neither.
- What?
- No!
- No, no.
- Oh.
- Aw.
- Yes, master. Yes!
An actual win for me,
the bad guy, for once!
Yeah!
[laughing]
[Headface] What a miserable piece of work.
[Stomachface] Yeah. Well done.
We did it, Saff.
We saved Mum and Dad.
Yeah, I suppose we did.
- [Stomachface] Got it. Got this.
- [Headface] So, you'll do it?
I've lost.
I don't lose.
I win and I will win.
[strains]
What? Why couldn't that one work?
Your powers don't really work here.
What the--
[funk music playing]
[laughs]
[groans]
- Time to go. Let's go. Go.
- Uh-oh.
[Supreme Being exclaims]
You may have won, for now,
but I shall return.
[grunts] Yeah!
[Pure Evil] You have to be
outside of the fortress.
[sighs, groans]
[grunting]
[music ends]
Okay.
Okay, Kevin, I'm sure you had good reason,
but I am a bit concerned that you gave
the most evil person in the universe
the most powerful object in the universe.
Did I give the most evil being
in the universe
the most powerful object in the universe?
Yes, we just saw you.
Oh, did I?
[Penelope] If we're all in his one,
then how do I get what I want?
[Pure Evil] No, I see what you're saying.
Just watch the thing, please.
You switched lunch boxes?
Yes, we did.
[sighs] It's gonna be a long night.
[screaming]
- Ah, well done, you two.
- Bravo. Bravo.
I always believed in you.
I think by saving the world
and outsmarting Pure Evil,
we have shown the Supreme Being
that we are more than shrubbery designers.
[Alto] Ah, right. Yes, we have.
But now we can use the map
for its intended purpose.
Which is, anyone?
Sounds like a blueprint to the universe.
That's what it sounded like to me.
[Penelope] So we can start
our own creation?
Oh, you're all right.
I'm not really that hungry.
It's got the map in it.
You are the master of the map.
- [stammers] Oh! Thanks, Kevin.
- [Kevin] I told you I'll give it back.
I really appreciate it.
Said so many mean things about ya.
- [Alto, Penelope] We all did.
- [Widgit] Behind his back as well.
- So where shall we go?
- I think I just want to travel.
Let's go back to Harlem.
- That doesn't look right.
- Hmm?
- What?
- [Widgit] What's this?
- What?
- Well, what the hell is that?
- It's not the map.
- No. No.
- Nice one, Kevin.
- No. No, no, no.
[exclaiming]
[shouting]
Search him. Search the boy!
Are you looking in the backpack?
Is it there?
[Kevin] It was in there.
[Widgit screams]
- No!
- [Widgit continues screaming]
[Penelope] No, this is not the map.
Not this one.
But how could this have happened?