Top Cat (1961) s01e10 Episode Script

All right, gang.
Now where were we before I was so rudely interrupted? You were cleaning us out.
You can make it back at bingo.
Dibble, what's all the racket about? It's the robbers.
The bank guards are chasing them into the alley.
Bank robbers.
Stop, thief! Stop! Dibble, you got to do something.
You got a gun.
Save me! Okay, T.
C.
, just keep your head low.
Put your hands up, you crooks! Charge! Yes, sir, Chooch, this is your lucky day.
I got a gimmick that will make us both rich.
And because you are my pal, I'm letting you in on it.
That's sure swell of you, T.
C.
What do I do? Here, put these on.
-Boxing gloves? -That's right.
The tools of your new trade.
What do you mean, T.
C.
? Look, Chooch, a fighter makes lots of dough, right? Well, yeah, but-- And his manager makes a lot of dough, too, right? Sure, but-- So we both stand to make lots of dough, right? Yeah, but-- But what? What are you "but-buting" about? But I don't know how to fight.
That's why you got a manager, dummy.
I'm gonna teach you.
But who's gonna teach you, T.
C.
? Look, Clyde, I'll do the jokes.
Now put them up.
Now the first thing I'm gonna teach you is a left jab.
Watch.
All right, now let's see you throw one.
I couldn't do that, T.
C.
We are big pals.
Pals don't fight.
Look, Chooch, it's the only way to learn.
Now come on, try it.
Okay, if you say so.
How was that, T.
C.
? Fine.
Fine, Chooch, just fine.
But you better forget the whole thing.
You might make it as a fighter, but I'd never last as a manager.
Right, T.
C.
So long.
So long.
And if anybody asks for me tell them I'm sleeping off a headache.
What the.
I must have the dirtiest beat in the precinct.
Look at this alley.
Broken bottles, tin cans, old boxes, newspapers.
It's like a junkyard.
My aching back.
All right, what's going on? What's all the racket about? Why, Officer Dibble.
Uniform of the day, I presume.
Or perhaps merely a personal touch of flamboyance.
Funny, I always figured you were the conservative type.
Knock it off, T.
C.
I want this mess cleaned up at once.
A noble sentiment, sir but I'm afraid, your uniform is not my responsibility.
Don't give me that stuff.
You know what I mean.
I want this alley cleaned up before it's condemned.
Condemned? What for? This alley's as clean as it has been for years.
You mean it's been a mess for years.
And it better be cleaned up for the Captain's inspection today.
Because I've told him all about you.
Really? A glowing report, I trust.
When he sees what a litterbug you are he's liable to throw the book at you.
The Captain is a real stickler for neatness.
Then he'll get a real bang out of that jazzy uniform you're wearing.
Go ahead, T.
C.
, laugh it up.
But this alley better be spotless when the Captain shows up.
Captain's inspection.
This could be serious.
I better get the gang together and talk it over.
-It's Top Cat! -Right in the middle of Gunstroke.
You're sure there's no one else? Baby, of course there's no one else.
Good.
Then we'll be married right away.
Married? Saved by the bell.
I mean, Top Cat.
Men! They're all alike.
T.
C.
Come on, Chooch.
Everybody here? All right.
When you hear your name, sound off.
-Benny.
-Yo.
-Spook.
-Like, here.
-Fancy.
-Check.
-Choo Choo.
-Yo.
-Brain.
-I guess so, T.
C.
All right, now.
This is a crisis, fellows.
The police captain is inspecting this beat today and there's an ugly rumor that this alley is substandard.
Dibble already has us marked as a bunch of vagrants.
So we got to do something to improve our position in the Captain's eyes.
I think, we ought to run for it.
No, they'd track us down.
-How's about suicide? -Too dangerous.
Well, look who's here, fellas.
Everyone say hi to Officer Dibble.
All right.
Why aren't you guys busy cleaning up around here? Pardon me, sir, it's the phone.
Hello.
Officer Dibble's beat.
Who? Officer Dibble.
It's for you, sir.
Patrolman Mahoney calling.
Give me that.
Hello, Mahoney.
How did the inspection go? Yeah? My beat is next? He'll be here this afternoon? No, I don't mind.
As a matter of fact, I'll be glad to see the Captain.
You know how he likes men who have ideas on improving the force.
I got a few suggestions that will put me in real solid with him.
That is it.
A couple of timely, impressive suggestions, and we're in.
Fancy, you can write.
Take this down, quick.
Well, one suggestion is to put three new officers downtown on Saturday nights.
Got that, Fancy? Three new officers, downtown, Saturday nights.
Next: Alternate patrolmen between day and night shifts to improve efficiency.
Alternate patrolmen.
Improve efficiency.
Got it? Got you.
And last: Give bonuses to officers who take police home-study courses.
-Did you get that? -Yeah.
Bonus for police.
Thanks for calling, Mahoney.
So long.
Now, listen, Top Cat, you got one hour to get this alley straightened up.
Personally, I hope you don't.
It would be kind of nice around here with you gone.
Funny, I was just thinking the same about you, sir.
One hour, T.
C.
One hour.
Like, what are we gonna do, T.
C.
? Dibble really means it.
I know it means destroying the delicate harmony of the place but we've got to clean up the alley.
-You flipped, T.
C.
? -You gone off your rocker? All right, break it up.
No talking in the ranks.
It so happens that I have a plan.
What is it, T.
C.
? I figure, when the Captain finds the alley spotless -he won't give us any trouble, right? -Right.
Okay.
And when I pop with some top-drawer suggestions on how to improve the efficiency of the force, I'll be a hero, right? -Right! -Then let's get with it, group.
When I give the word, I want to see nothing but high heels and elbows.
Go, men! I know you don't want to wear out the broom, Benny but let's move it a little faster.
-Choo Choo, on the double.
-Yeah, boss? Choo Choo, come on, let's get those trashcans emptied.
All of them, T.
C.
? Of course, all of them.
What do you think we are? Sloppy or something? Come on, fellas! That captain will be here any minute! These guys expect me to do everything.
Oh, no! Nobody can be that stupid.
I take it back.
He is that stupid.
Why, I can hardly believe my eyes.
They're cleaning up the alley.
Look at Top Cat just standing there like he approves of the whole thing.
I never thought I'd see the day.
It's a miracle.
I can't believe it.
T.
C.
is up to something no good.
The only thing is, I don't know what.
That can make me awful nervous.
T.
C.
, what should I do with this trash? How should I know what you do with the trash? Just get it out of this alley.
I guess over the fence is out of the alley.
How will I explain a clean alley to the Captain after I told him how sloppy Top Cat is? That double-crossing T.
C.
Now, let me figure this out.
I'm walking along.
Suddenly, I'm covered with trash and there's an ashcan on my head.
What could have happened? Top Cat.
That's what.
Not bad, fellows.
Not bad at all.
The alley don't look the same anymore.
Now, when the captain shows up, you guys better look sharp.
Remember, we have a reputation to destroy.
All right, T.
C.
, you'll get the chair for this.
Why, Officer Dibble.
You look adorable.
So cute.
But I'm afraid, you're a bit late for vaudeville.
Hey, T.
C.
, here comes the Captain.
The Captain! If he sees me like this, I've had it.
I suggest you make yourself scarce, Dib.
You better hide in that old locker.
Thanks, T.
C.
All right, men, look alive.
Here comes the Captain.
Attention! Fine looking bunch of citizens.
-Where's Patrolman Dibble? -Dibble? That's strange.
He was here just a minute ago.
He was? Well, that's a black mark against him.
-Let's get on with the inspection.
-After you, sir.
Notice, sir, floors swept, papers and packages neatly tied trashcans scrubbed and polished.
To coin a phrase, everything is shipshape, right, sir? Right.
Very nice.
What's that? That's just an old locker, but ready for inspection.
Looks neat and tidy.
Hello, Dibble.
Hiya, Captain.
Everything looks fine, young man.
When you see Officer Dibble.
Dibble? Out! Hold it, Dibble.
Hold it right there.
Dibble, you're a mess, a disgrace to your uniform.
I'm surprised at you.
I thought you were a good cop.
And deserting your post while an inspection is underway is inexcusable.
Why don't you take an example from fine, neat.
-What's his mane? -Top Cat, sir.
T.
C.
to my friends.
T.
C.
? You're Top Cat? And Dibble said such awful things about you.
Harassing a civilian is a serious offense, Dibble.
Excuse me, sir, if I may speak to the Captain, sir? -Why, of course, T.
C.
, what is it? -Just a minute, sir.
Company dismissed! Hup, two, three, four.
Why, that's magnificent, T.
C.
I admire discipline.
Discipline and organization.
I like that.
Now, what did you want to say? If I may speak, sir, as a mere layman of course I have a few suggestions that might prevent another of these unfortunate Dibble incidents.
Go right ahead, T.
C.
, feel free to speak.
If I might suggest, sir why not put three extra men downtown on Saturday nights? Say, that's an excellent idea.
And then, sir, it might prove more efficient to alternate patrolmen between day and night shifts.
Not bad.
And finally, you might offer an incentive bonus to officers who take police home-study courses.
-Why, that-- -That's absolutely marvelous, Top Cat.
I'll speak to the Chief about you.
Just a minute there, Top Cat.
Those are my ideas you're giving the Captain, there.
See here, Dibble, a messy uniform is one thing and deserting your post is another but hogging the credit for T.
C.
's brilliant ideas is unforgivable.
Don't be too hard on him, sir.
He's only been on the force for 15 years.
He's just starting to get the hang of it.
Well, all right.
I'll let it go this time.
But any more slip-ups, and I'll bust you to a civilian, Dibble.
Congratulations, Dibble.
We did it.
Congratulations? You almost had me thrown off the force.
What are you complaining about? We not only passed inspection, but I got you off the hook, didn't I? Off the hook? Oh, brother.
Why didn't I choose a nice, soft profession like alligator wrestling? How come you always get our dough, T.
C.
? Yeah, I'm almost broke again.
Relax, fellas, just think of it as the high cost of learning.
You're learning a trade, ain't you? -Hey, T.
C.
! -Yeah, Benny? Policeman at 4:00! All right, guys, beat it on the double.
It's Dibble coming out of the cleaners.
Now I got to stay neat till payday.
I can't afford these cleaning bills.
That's just typical of Dibble.
Walking in on the middle of my royal flush.
Boy, just look at this alley.
It sure didn't take long to get it messed up again.
I'm on the warpath now.
T.
C.
just better watch out.
Dibble, it's you.
I didn't recognize you in that clean uniform.
Go ahead, laugh it up now, T.
C.
, while you can because one false move, and I'm gonna.
It's the phone, Dibble.
Why don't you answer it? The phone? Go ahead, T.
C.
, why don't you answer it? -I dare you.
-Sure, Dibble.
All right, it's your dime.
What's on your mind? Now I've got him.
All right, T.
C using a police phone is against the law! You're finished, washed up, kaput at last! Give me that.
This is Officer Dibble.
Identify yourself.
Sorry, sir.
Yeah.
He's here.
-It's for you, T.
C.
-Thanks, Dib.
Top Cat speaking.
Hiya, Captain.
What? You want Dibble should bring me into the station house immediately? Oh, boy.
The Captain wised up to T.
C.
He wants me to bring him in.
Will do, Captain.
Be seeing you.
Did you hear that, Dib? The Captain wants to see me.
Let's go, T.
C.
Are you gonna come peacefully, or will I need the bracelets? I'll come quietly, but may I bring the group for moral support? Why not? We'll have a mass trial.
T.
C.
, thanks for the ride.
Don't thank me, Benny, thank Dibble.
He's the one that's taking us for a ride.
You're a regular riot, T.
C.
You'll wow them in Sing Sing.
This is the police station.
All right, everybody out on the double.
When you get inside, empty your pockets, and get ready for fingerprinting.
Boy, I waited years for this moment.
Here they are, Captain.
I brought in the whole mob.
And if I were you, sir, I'd throw the book at them.
Have you flipped, Dibble? Sir, I just thought as the arresting officer-- Arresting officer? You.
We're here to give Top Cat an award.
An award for T.
C.
? That's right.
I'll talk to you later, Dibble.
And now, Top Cat because of your fine sense of civic responsibility and for excellence far beyond the call of duty in making those fine recommendations it gives me great pleasure to present to you this insignia making you an honorary sergeant on the city police force.
Thank you, sir.
I'm touched.
But I'm afraid much of the credit is due to the fine example set by Officer Dibble.
Typical modesty, eh, Dibble? Aren't you going to congratulate Top Cat? Congratulations.
All right, you guys.
Modesty permits only three hip, hip, hoorays.
Let's hear it for your hero.
-Hip, hip.
-Hooray! The least you could do is smile, Dibble.
Yes, sir.
All right, now, has everybody got their money down? Keep your eye on the wheel, fellows.
Somebody wins every time.
Hello, operator.
Sergeant Top Cat speaking.
Let me know when you're ready with my call to Hialeah.
All right, who's got the lucky number, Benny? You won again, T.
C.
! See, I told you somebody wins every time.
Yeah, it would have to be crooked for you to lose, T.
C.
Yeah, you always win.
All right, now.
Hold it down, you guys.
It's my phone call.
Hello, Hialeah? Who? Dibble.
Just a minute.
All right, Dibble, on the double.
Get up here right away.
I'm coming.
You don't have to yell.
This is only a 20-mile-an-hour zone, you know.
Let's answer duty's call a little quicker in the future, Dibble.
Okay, I'm here.
Come, Dibble, is that the way to address a superior officer? Patrolman Dibble reporting.
You called, Sergeant Top Cat, sir? That's better, lad.
Here.
And make it snappy.
I'm expecting a call.
Officer Dibble speaking.
A bank robbery on my beat? Yes, sir.
I'll get over there right away.
Hold it, Dibble.
Where do you think you're going? There's been a bank robbery around the corner! All right.
Make a quick check and get right back here.
After all, your first duty is to protect us citizens.
Yes, sir.
Power-mad tyrant.
All right, gang.
Now where were we before I was so rudely interrupted? You were cleaning us out.
You can make it back at bingo.
What the.
Dibble, what's all the racket about? It's the robbers.
The bank guards are chasing them into the alley.
Robbers? All right, Fancy, Spook, everyone, grab the wheel and beat it.
Hide in the cellar of Schultz's Delicatessen till I give you the all-clear signal.
Bank robbers.
Dibble, if there's one thing I can't stand it's a policeman hiding in an ashcan.
I'm merely following the example of my superior officer, Sergeant Top Cat.
Stop, thief! Stop! Dibble, you got to do something.
You got a gun.
Save me! I'll save you, T.
C.
, on one condition.
Anything.
Anything at all, Officer Dibble, sir.
Just name it! -All right.
Sign this.
-Sure, Dibble.
Let me have it.
"I confess that all the ideas "I gave the Captain "were actually Officer Dibble's.
" What? Very shrewd, Dibble.
Very shrewd, indeed.
A signed confession? Well, nothing doing.
All right, I'm signing! Here! Do something, quick! Okay, T.
C.
, just keep your head low.
Put your hands up, you crooks! Charge! We give up, Officer! Don't shoot! All right, drop the guns! We did it, Dibble.
We'll get a medal for this.
You mean I'll get a medal and you'll be lucky to get time off for good behavior.
When the Captain sees this confession you signed, I'll be clear.
And, might I add, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Sergeant Dibble, I guess I had you all wrong.
You're a hero now.
Those sergeant stripes should make you a proud man.
Now, be careful, and don't fall for any more of Top Cat's tricks.
Not me, sir, I'm too smart for him now.
I'll get it.
It's probably for me.
Hello.
This is the Captain speaking.
You what? You got my party at Hialeah? Dibble, what's the meaning of this? You're a sergeant for a few minutes, and already you got a call in to Hialeah.
But-- Don't "but" me, Patrolman Dibble.
Now let's see you blame this on Top Cat.
Top Cat.
Of course.
Wait till I get my hands on him.
All right, T.
C.
, come on out.
I want to talk to you.
Out, I say.
Let's move.
You were expecting maybe some criminal? I'm sorry.
A lot your being sorry does for poor Benny's head.
Hold it, Benny.
Desist.
What happened? Anyway, it's you I'm after, T.
C.
I'm taking you in for using my phone again.
Fine, and I'll mention to the Captain your striking down of an innocent bystander at the same time.
No, wait.
Let's not get excited.
It was an accident.
Why, Dibble, you mean we'll forget the whole thing? Yeah, we'll forget the whole thing, as usual.
That's very kind of you, sir.
I always said you were the quiet, charitable type.
Boy, here we go again.
When I see my friend the Captain, again, I'll be glad to tell him what a shining example of fine character-- Good night, folks.