Traffic Light (2011) s01e10 Episode Script
Bonebag
So what happened here? You ever use the phrase "bonebag"? No.
Don't.
I mean, yeah, you would think that.
But actually not everything is good in a taco.
Hey, that guy just cut you off! Hey, stop it! That is not cool.
All right, when I'm driving, I'm the horn captain.
Yeah, okay, Captain.
Well, then use your horn like a man.
Hey.
God.
Oh, my G That's very nice.
That's really good.
I'll make sure she gets the message, buddy.
Hey, screw you, bonebag! Stop it.
Just enough already.
What?! I just took a finger bowl for you.
What'd you call me?! Adam Just let it go.
Oh! Oh, my God! I'll break your nose! Bonebag! What does that even mean?! Oh I got one conference in the afternoon, and then I got the hotel room all night.
Honey, we can have sex here.
I'm not talking about sex.
Excuse me.
I'm talking about hotel sex.
I do enjoy a postcoital pillow chocolate.
But you know what, he's so young.
We've never spent the night away from him.
Is that something we even want to do? Yes! Absolutely.
We totally want I love Tommy.
Come on, Tommy's great.
Tommy, high five.
Yeah! Yeah! But he's a little needy.
He takes after his daddy.
Plus, we don't have a sitter we trust for the night.
How about Adam and Callie? Yeah, they'd want to do that.
Come on.
Adam's been asking for months.
Oh, oh, really? If I can get him, are we in? Are you in? All right, all right.
If he if they'll do it.
But the hotel better have a crazy-high thread count, 'cause it's been so long.
I already checked.
It's off the hook.
Oh, I love you.
This guy's too old to be having sex.
I hate my job.
Oh, man! It's been 24 hours, and this thing won't go down.
You guys got to do something! All right, take it easy, sailor.
We'll be at the hospital soon.
Try to relax.
I'm trying to relax, but you guys have no idea what it's like to be in a perpetual state of arousal.
Oh, I believe I do.
He does.
He's like an animal.
Well, you are.
Trust me, son, you don't want to turn out like this.
I never made a lasting commitment.
I only cared about my pleasure.
I never made room for love.
I never made room for love.
I never made room for love.
I'm telling you, it was horrible.
The sweaty desperation, his whole old boner dude aura.
Whew.
Like watching Larry King Live.
Hey, wait a second.
That man is a broadcaster, he's not a punch line.
Really? Just sick of people making fun of Larry King, you know.
Guy's been delivering news 53 years, gets no respect.
I like Larry King a lot.
And, see, listen, it's fine for you guys.
You have a great thing with Lisa, you and Callie are on the road.
Yeah, we're on the road.
Unless somebody cuts me off.
The other day, she almost got me killed.
She starts yelling at some guy while I'm driving.
So Callie's got road rage, huh? Yeah, she's got everything rage.
I don't know if she can control it.
Y-You took two? Y-You paid for one, but you took two.
Hey, extra, extra, bonebag thinks rules don't apply to him! Hey! Hey! Whoa! Give me an egg.
What are you gonna do? Bonebag! Oh! Nailed him! Oh, crap, run.
Bonebag? What does that even mean? I think she's combining "douche bag" and "bonehead.
" It's kind of elegant wordplay actually.
Like "spork.
" Yeah, yeah, exactly like "spork.
" Think what really sets people off is the whole ambiguity of it, you know.
That and the crazy eyes.
But let me tell you this.
If something was to actually go down, I'd be all over that.
You know, 'cause I'm six-five, not afraid to mix it up.
Mix it up? Really? Is that what you do? Been known to mix it up.
Next time you mix it up, can you let me know? I'd love to see that.
Thing about that is, you can't actually see it when I mix it up with your human eyes.
'Cause I'm so fast, I'm like a blender.
You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you got to embrace Callie's anger.
Lisa, she has this crazy hatred for stores that claim to be going out of business.
Hmm? Frankly, I don't really care.
It's been consistently proven to boost sales.
I know.
But I pretend that it drives me crazy, you know, for Lisa's sake.
It calms her down and it gives us something to be angry about together.
Oh, my God! Really?! What? What? Look.
Guess who's going out of business again.
How many times can a futon store go out of business? Oh, come on! I can't believe you! Who do these bastards think they are?! God.
God, I love you.
You see, that's beautiful.
That's what I'm talking about.
From now on, I only want the kind of commitment you guys have.
Wow.
That old man really shook you up? I am making room for love.
You know, I've already signed up for an online dating service.
Yeah, I'm only gonna date women who are looking for something serious.
In fact, under "hobbies," I put listening Wow.
Okay.
and feeling my feelings Whatever that means.
and brunch.
Oh, that's great.
Everybody loves brunch.
So, uh I got something incredibly fun brewing Saturday night.
What are you and Callie doing? Yeah, Saturday night we're wide open.
Awesome.
You guys can watch Tommy while Lisa and I go downtown, stay in this really cool hotel.
That does sound incredibly fun.
Yeah.
For you.
Come on.
I wouldn't trap you like that unless it meant something to me.
Gentlemen, here's to finding a beautiful woman who's looking for a lifetime of commitment just like you two have.
Hey, I want to have what you two have: Saturday night with no kid.
And you can have what Lisa and I have by watching Tommy on Saturday night.
See? To everybody having everyone else's lives.
Hear, hear! I never actually said I wanted it.
Yeah, but you clinked, so that happened.
Mm, mm.
Oh, my God.
It's done.
Seriously, this parenting thing is easy.
Yeah, he's a good little eater, huh? Yeah.
You haven't had to call him a bonebag once.
Must be your motherly instinct kicking in.
Yeah, okay, just to be clear, we're not using this weekend as a trial run for anything.
Oh, you mean raising our own child? God, no.
The only upside to raising a child so far is these, uh, teething cookies.
God.
Do you smell something horrible? No, no.
I don't smell anything.
I didn't do anything.
It was him.
Yeah, I assumed so.
Oh, yeah.
I'll go change him.
Come on, cutie pie.
Yeah, snap a new one on him.
Ah, bonebag! What is it? "Bonebag"? Oh, Callie invented it.
Just, expression of extreme disappointment No, the text.
Oh.
Uh, they canceled the conference.
Oh.
All right, well, then let's just turn around and go home.
We should be with Tommy anyway.
Or maybe we just continue on with our plans for the evening.
Look, we have not had a night off since Tommy was born.
Come on.
I miss you.
I miss my wife.
All right.
Just let me have one check-in call for Tommy.
Okay, Lise.
Yeah.
We will text you updates.
But I'm telling you, Tommy is doing awesome.
He finished off a whole box of these teething crackers.
So where do you get those anyway? Adam! There's something wrong with Tommy.
Okay, uh, I got to go.
Definitely nothing wrong with Tommy.
Uh, all right, bye.
Have fun.
What? Look at him.
Oh, good Lord.
His kickstand's up.
Wait, what are you doing? Calling 911.
No.
No, no.
They record those calls.
I don't think we want that on our record.
I got a better idea.
All right.
Just gonna text Ethan.
Hey, Tommy, why don't you think about baseball, buddy.
Ah, it's getting worse! Okay, no baseball.
Think about soccer, okay? Everybody hates soccer.
Oh, my God, what if he's hurt? What if it's broken? What does it mean? I think it means he likes you.
Do we put him in the bath? No, I-I want to take this to the next level.
Here we go.
Ethan says that he has a date in the park, and he will meet us in ten minutes.
Okay.
I'm just gonna put some pants on Dr.
Feelgood here.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Hey.
Good Tommy.
We're your friends, Tommy.
Tommy.
Tommy will be fine.
It's, uh, it's totally normal.
It's incredibly disturbing, but totally normal.
Whew! Good.
Um, Ethan? Uh-huh.
There's a lady over there staring at you with, like, a really intense weird look.
Yeah, that's his Internet date.
Oh, she's so stunning.
Good luck.
Oh, he can't hear you now.
He's like a zombie when he's smitten.
Good luck, zombie Ethan.
Committed Listener 515? Oh, I can only pray that you're Long-Term Silver.
"Hobbies include listening and feeling my feelings"? And brunch.
You know what, I think that she might be the one.
Really? No.
Speaking of zombies.
Hey, Mr.
Zombie Boy.
Hey, Tommy.
How you doing, buddy? Uh-oh.
My glasses.
Oh.
They're taking Tommy to the park.
Wow.
He is, like, crazy happy.
He's smiling from ear to ear.
I know.
Well, now that we got that, put that away and we can relax; we can get our massages.
All right.
Okay.
I'm done.
Hi.
I'm Laurie.
I'll be one of your masseuses today.
Hi, Laurie.
Hi.
And I'm Dan.
I'll be your other masseuse.
Great.
Yeah, I'm sorry um, who are you gonna be rubbing? Well, that's up to you guys.
Uh, no offense, Dan, um seem like a great guy but I'm just wondering, uh, is there someone else who could help us out with this, maybe, like, another lady? No, I'm sorry.
We're fully booked.
It's okay, it's okay.
Dan can do me, all right? No, he's not gonna do you.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not gonna have some guy oiling up my wife.
Honey, it doesn't matter.
You don't think it's weird that Laurie's gonna be oiling me? Because she's a very attractive young lady.
Honey, she's a masseuse.
It's her job.
It doesn't bother me, okay? Come on.
You know what, Dan, I'm gonna have you do me.
Great.
Man on man.
Uh okay.
Well, why don't you guys disrobe and, uh, we'll give you some privacy.
Okay, thanks.
All right.
And then Grammy got a letter from the War Department saying that he had been killed in Anzio.
But she didn't believe it, did she? No.
She did not.
And six years later, Grampy walked through that door.
And sure, his hands had been blown off, but he had flowers taped to his stumps.
And for the next 50 years, they lived a life of total happiness.
You see, that is what I want: exactly what your grandparents had, but with hands.
Well, mister, I think you just found it.
This might be the first day of our life together.
Well, what are we waiting for? Whoo! Come on.
Come on.
You're welcome.
Good luck, guys.
Oh! Mmm Whoa! Oh, my hands! You like that sound? That's your lotion.
Heating up.
Get ready for it.
Mmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, can't do this.
Sorry.
I, uh yeah, I'm gonna need Laurie.
Yep, sorry.
Is everything okay? Hey, check this out.
We're kind of parenting here.
Yeah, kind of rockin' it.
Yeah, it makes all that complaining Mike always does seem ridiculous.
Hey! Hey, that kid just pushed Tommy down, and his dad's not doing anything about it.
Yeah, I mean, Tommy looks all right.
No, no, no.
It's the principle here, okay? You can't j Hey! Hey, you! Oh whoa, whoa.
Just hey, hey.
Hey, just take it easy.
I agree.
Th-this is ridiculous, and I am just as enraged as you are about this.
Really? Ye uh, yes.
Okay.
You going to do something about it? Y-yes.
Yes, I am.
Now would be the time.
Hey.
What's up? Hey.
How you doing? Hey.
Your, uh your kid just pushed my kid down over there.
Oh.
Yeah, well, boys will do that.
I know.
I know.
Could you, um? This guy I'm sorry.
Could you do me a favor and just, like, pretend that you're, like, really angry at me right now? What did you say? If that was, like, a two or something, just bring it up to, like, a nine.
What the hell is your problem, man? Yeah, okay, that's good.
That's good.
Just live in that space.
That'd be that would be perfect.
I'm not gonna live in any sp Hey, what are you, weird? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm I'm really sorry about that.
Hey! Yeah, you.
Uh, hey, Callie.
So this is this is the gentleman that we're yelling at.
Yeah, your kid just pushed our kid down again.
Technically, he's not our kid.
Callie Oh, my God! What is he doing now? He's he's peeing on Tommy.
Ooh.
Not cool.
So what? That's what people do.
That is not what people do; that is what cocker spaniels do.
You you know what you are? Wait.
Pleaseplease don't say it.
A bonebag.
What'd she just call me? Um she called you a bonebag.
Which is actually an elegant little piece of wordplay there.
It it applies.
You're a bonebag.
Yeah, well, what are you going to do about it? Gonna gonna mix it up.
Mix it up? That's right.
I hope you like smoothies, 'cause you just turned on the blender, buddy.
Take these.
Actually, wait, I need them.
What did you just call my husband? Called him a bonebag.
You son of a bitch.
Baby! You're a bonebag.
That's right, baby.
You tell him.
Yeah.
I am so sorry, Adam.
Not as sorry as my nose is.
It is so sweet of you to drive your friend to the hospital.
Well, he's hurt, he's my friend, and I just found this ambulance.
What do you do? You know, this is our first ride in your ambulance together.
This is our first ride in my ambulance together.
Hello, soul mate.
Hello, soul mate.
Oh, God.
Mama like? Oh, God, yeah.
Is that where it is, right there? Oh, yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
Right there? Okay, hey.
Keep your hands where I can see them, okay, pal? Honey, come on.
Right here? Oh, God.
I feel like I'm really getting to know you.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, you know what? You're just going to have to reign it back there a little bit, 'cause this has got to stay G-rated.
Honey, you finally got me to relax, and now you're driving me crazy.
I'm sorry, This is just weird.
Well, what do you think's gonna happen? That I'm going to fall in love with Dan and we're going to run away together? With Dan? Are you kidding? Come on.
I mean, first, he has terrible taste in music.
It's Laurie's mix.
I told you.
Let me put it to you this way.
If you don't relax, we are not going to stay in a hotel until Tommy's in college.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
And now for some real music.
Laurie.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Look, when I see injustice in the world, I feel like I have to do something.
Okay, Batman.
Look, I can't just let people literally pee all over us.
Well, there is a right and a wrong way to resolve these sorts of conflicts.
I know.
Talk things out like adults.
Or you could steal stuff which is why I had Ethan take that little pee sack's tricycle.
Hey, you got a new bicycle, Tommy.
Go ahead.
I know you want to.
Really? Really.
What's mine is yours now.
That was awesome.
You're awesome.
You're awesome.
Was it just me, or did that kind of Suck.
Yeah.
Guys, why are we stopped? Come on.
We got a bleeder back th Oh, come on.
Hey, buddy, do you not see this is an ambulance? Move it! Sorry, sweetie.
Last time.
You tell 'em, baby.
Bonebag! Okay, guys.
You're all set.
We'll just give you a few minutes to get dressed.
And remember to drink a lot of water.
It's That's my line.
This is not the Laurie show.
Oh, that was great.
Oh, God.
Wasn't it, honey? Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God! Mike.
What are you doing? What? I'm not doing anything.
I was What? Did that girl turn you on? What girl? - What girl? Laurie from 20 seconds ago.
- Laurie? Yeah, who you referred to as an attractive lady.
Is that what happened? Laurie was working out a lot of stuff in my back.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, and she pushed a lot of blood in different directions.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't have any control as to where it was going.
I'm kidding, babe.
I'm busting your chops.
She said we had a few minutes, right? So, uh Do you want to Should we, you know? Could we? We could.
Should we? We shall.
Let me set the mood.
Do it.
Oh, yeah.
God, you are one beautiful I am so sorry.
You're right.
I pushed it.
We should never have been doing this.
No, sweetie.
Just finish these forms so we can get home and finish what we started.
- Come here.
- Oh Mmm Ow! Oh.
Sorry.
Oh No, it's okay.
Babe.
Oh I love you.
What? Nothing.
Why don't you just stay right here? Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Right here.
And then fill that out.
Okay.
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Okay, honey.
He broke his nose during sex.
I know.
That's when you know it's good.
What is going on? What are you doing here? Hey! Mike! What are you doing here? - Is Tommy okay? - Tommy is fine.
Well, he did pitch a little diaper tent, but What happened to your nose? What happened to your nose? You look like a duck.
You look like a Help me.
Duck.
Duck.
All right.
Let's get this right.
All right.
Oh, no.
All right.
Not working.
I'm calling it.
Yeah.
This is so strange.
I mean, this should work.
You've got the whole British thing going on with the sexy snake hips.
I thought it would be like kissing Mick Jagger, but it's kind of like kissing a drifter.
No offense.
None taken.
I assume you mean a young Mick Jagger, cause these days he's a bit of an old paperbag.
Oh yeah.
You couldn't watch him for 6 hours without ending up in the hospital? - I just want one night out with my wife.
- Look, I know that it looks bad, but it's fine, I promise.
Alright, and the good news is we learnt a valuable lesson about picking our bells.
Yeah, and conflict resolution.
That's right.
Sometimes you gotta go in there and mix it up.
He totally turned the blender on.
It was very hot.
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I liked that.
Hey, idiots.
You both suck.
Do you have any idea what I've been through today? I had a man touch me, just to make my wife happy.
- You what? - I don't wanna talk about it You guys have to get Tommy home.
Now.
Cause if Lisa sees him in a hospital, I will never leave the house again.
Did you even change his diaper? I mean, really.
He smells like tinkle.
- Um, that's his hair.
- What? She just That's a funny story for another day.
Hey, guys, hello? Can we go? We gotta get out of here.
- Mike? Oh my God.
- Oh, bonebag.
Bonebag? Bonebag? - That's the guy from the car.
- I'm gonna take you down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! Hey, hey, calm down.
You're taking this all wrong.
Bonebag is just an elegant piece of wordplay.
I must say, these guys really saved my life.
Well, technically, I saved your life.
Yeah, well, I would have, if Tommy wasn't in my arms.
And you weren't holding Tommy, it was Lisa.
Same family.
- It's pretty weak.
- Alright, bonebags.
Next round's on me.
You know none of this would have happened if we hadn't clinked on it.
Let's not have each other's lives.
I just want a long term commitment.
I just want a long term commitment.
I just want someone to grow old with.
I just wanna grow old with someone.
I just wanna have a lot of babies and.
I wanna have tons of babies.
- Even in Kansas? - As many as possible.
I'd move to Kansas.
Anywhere.
- Really? - I have I have anger issues.
- I have anger issues.
- I punch windows constantly.
I punch windows sometimes.
Um - I don't understand what bonebag means.
- I don't understand what bonebag means.
- It's not elegant wordplay.
- It's not.
I get 20% off at The Commisary.
Just saying.
- I've never been to The Commisary.
- Me neither.
I've worked here for years.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You wanna hear a lovestory? - Yeah.
I do.
I wanna hear a lovestory.
- Once upon a time - Mm-hmm.
- There was a man sent to Anzio.
- Uh-uh.
Don't.
I mean, yeah, you would think that.
But actually not everything is good in a taco.
Hey, that guy just cut you off! Hey, stop it! That is not cool.
All right, when I'm driving, I'm the horn captain.
Yeah, okay, Captain.
Well, then use your horn like a man.
Hey.
God.
Oh, my G That's very nice.
That's really good.
I'll make sure she gets the message, buddy.
Hey, screw you, bonebag! Stop it.
Just enough already.
What?! I just took a finger bowl for you.
What'd you call me?! Adam Just let it go.
Oh! Oh, my God! I'll break your nose! Bonebag! What does that even mean?! Oh I got one conference in the afternoon, and then I got the hotel room all night.
Honey, we can have sex here.
I'm not talking about sex.
Excuse me.
I'm talking about hotel sex.
I do enjoy a postcoital pillow chocolate.
But you know what, he's so young.
We've never spent the night away from him.
Is that something we even want to do? Yes! Absolutely.
We totally want I love Tommy.
Come on, Tommy's great.
Tommy, high five.
Yeah! Yeah! But he's a little needy.
He takes after his daddy.
Plus, we don't have a sitter we trust for the night.
How about Adam and Callie? Yeah, they'd want to do that.
Come on.
Adam's been asking for months.
Oh, oh, really? If I can get him, are we in? Are you in? All right, all right.
If he if they'll do it.
But the hotel better have a crazy-high thread count, 'cause it's been so long.
I already checked.
It's off the hook.
Oh, I love you.
This guy's too old to be having sex.
I hate my job.
Oh, man! It's been 24 hours, and this thing won't go down.
You guys got to do something! All right, take it easy, sailor.
We'll be at the hospital soon.
Try to relax.
I'm trying to relax, but you guys have no idea what it's like to be in a perpetual state of arousal.
Oh, I believe I do.
He does.
He's like an animal.
Well, you are.
Trust me, son, you don't want to turn out like this.
I never made a lasting commitment.
I only cared about my pleasure.
I never made room for love.
I never made room for love.
I never made room for love.
I'm telling you, it was horrible.
The sweaty desperation, his whole old boner dude aura.
Whew.
Like watching Larry King Live.
Hey, wait a second.
That man is a broadcaster, he's not a punch line.
Really? Just sick of people making fun of Larry King, you know.
Guy's been delivering news 53 years, gets no respect.
I like Larry King a lot.
And, see, listen, it's fine for you guys.
You have a great thing with Lisa, you and Callie are on the road.
Yeah, we're on the road.
Unless somebody cuts me off.
The other day, she almost got me killed.
She starts yelling at some guy while I'm driving.
So Callie's got road rage, huh? Yeah, she's got everything rage.
I don't know if she can control it.
Y-You took two? Y-You paid for one, but you took two.
Hey, extra, extra, bonebag thinks rules don't apply to him! Hey! Hey! Whoa! Give me an egg.
What are you gonna do? Bonebag! Oh! Nailed him! Oh, crap, run.
Bonebag? What does that even mean? I think she's combining "douche bag" and "bonehead.
" It's kind of elegant wordplay actually.
Like "spork.
" Yeah, yeah, exactly like "spork.
" Think what really sets people off is the whole ambiguity of it, you know.
That and the crazy eyes.
But let me tell you this.
If something was to actually go down, I'd be all over that.
You know, 'cause I'm six-five, not afraid to mix it up.
Mix it up? Really? Is that what you do? Been known to mix it up.
Next time you mix it up, can you let me know? I'd love to see that.
Thing about that is, you can't actually see it when I mix it up with your human eyes.
'Cause I'm so fast, I'm like a blender.
You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you got to embrace Callie's anger.
Lisa, she has this crazy hatred for stores that claim to be going out of business.
Hmm? Frankly, I don't really care.
It's been consistently proven to boost sales.
I know.
But I pretend that it drives me crazy, you know, for Lisa's sake.
It calms her down and it gives us something to be angry about together.
Oh, my God! Really?! What? What? Look.
Guess who's going out of business again.
How many times can a futon store go out of business? Oh, come on! I can't believe you! Who do these bastards think they are?! God.
God, I love you.
You see, that's beautiful.
That's what I'm talking about.
From now on, I only want the kind of commitment you guys have.
Wow.
That old man really shook you up? I am making room for love.
You know, I've already signed up for an online dating service.
Yeah, I'm only gonna date women who are looking for something serious.
In fact, under "hobbies," I put listening Wow.
Okay.
and feeling my feelings Whatever that means.
and brunch.
Oh, that's great.
Everybody loves brunch.
So, uh I got something incredibly fun brewing Saturday night.
What are you and Callie doing? Yeah, Saturday night we're wide open.
Awesome.
You guys can watch Tommy while Lisa and I go downtown, stay in this really cool hotel.
That does sound incredibly fun.
Yeah.
For you.
Come on.
I wouldn't trap you like that unless it meant something to me.
Gentlemen, here's to finding a beautiful woman who's looking for a lifetime of commitment just like you two have.
Hey, I want to have what you two have: Saturday night with no kid.
And you can have what Lisa and I have by watching Tommy on Saturday night.
See? To everybody having everyone else's lives.
Hear, hear! I never actually said I wanted it.
Yeah, but you clinked, so that happened.
Mm, mm.
Oh, my God.
It's done.
Seriously, this parenting thing is easy.
Yeah, he's a good little eater, huh? Yeah.
You haven't had to call him a bonebag once.
Must be your motherly instinct kicking in.
Yeah, okay, just to be clear, we're not using this weekend as a trial run for anything.
Oh, you mean raising our own child? God, no.
The only upside to raising a child so far is these, uh, teething cookies.
God.
Do you smell something horrible? No, no.
I don't smell anything.
I didn't do anything.
It was him.
Yeah, I assumed so.
Oh, yeah.
I'll go change him.
Come on, cutie pie.
Yeah, snap a new one on him.
Ah, bonebag! What is it? "Bonebag"? Oh, Callie invented it.
Just, expression of extreme disappointment No, the text.
Oh.
Uh, they canceled the conference.
Oh.
All right, well, then let's just turn around and go home.
We should be with Tommy anyway.
Or maybe we just continue on with our plans for the evening.
Look, we have not had a night off since Tommy was born.
Come on.
I miss you.
I miss my wife.
All right.
Just let me have one check-in call for Tommy.
Okay, Lise.
Yeah.
We will text you updates.
But I'm telling you, Tommy is doing awesome.
He finished off a whole box of these teething crackers.
So where do you get those anyway? Adam! There's something wrong with Tommy.
Okay, uh, I got to go.
Definitely nothing wrong with Tommy.
Uh, all right, bye.
Have fun.
What? Look at him.
Oh, good Lord.
His kickstand's up.
Wait, what are you doing? Calling 911.
No.
No, no.
They record those calls.
I don't think we want that on our record.
I got a better idea.
All right.
Just gonna text Ethan.
Hey, Tommy, why don't you think about baseball, buddy.
Ah, it's getting worse! Okay, no baseball.
Think about soccer, okay? Everybody hates soccer.
Oh, my God, what if he's hurt? What if it's broken? What does it mean? I think it means he likes you.
Do we put him in the bath? No, I-I want to take this to the next level.
Here we go.
Ethan says that he has a date in the park, and he will meet us in ten minutes.
Okay.
I'm just gonna put some pants on Dr.
Feelgood here.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Hey.
Good Tommy.
We're your friends, Tommy.
Tommy.
Tommy will be fine.
It's, uh, it's totally normal.
It's incredibly disturbing, but totally normal.
Whew! Good.
Um, Ethan? Uh-huh.
There's a lady over there staring at you with, like, a really intense weird look.
Yeah, that's his Internet date.
Oh, she's so stunning.
Good luck.
Oh, he can't hear you now.
He's like a zombie when he's smitten.
Good luck, zombie Ethan.
Committed Listener 515? Oh, I can only pray that you're Long-Term Silver.
"Hobbies include listening and feeling my feelings"? And brunch.
You know what, I think that she might be the one.
Really? No.
Speaking of zombies.
Hey, Mr.
Zombie Boy.
Hey, Tommy.
How you doing, buddy? Uh-oh.
My glasses.
Oh.
They're taking Tommy to the park.
Wow.
He is, like, crazy happy.
He's smiling from ear to ear.
I know.
Well, now that we got that, put that away and we can relax; we can get our massages.
All right.
Okay.
I'm done.
Hi.
I'm Laurie.
I'll be one of your masseuses today.
Hi, Laurie.
Hi.
And I'm Dan.
I'll be your other masseuse.
Great.
Yeah, I'm sorry um, who are you gonna be rubbing? Well, that's up to you guys.
Uh, no offense, Dan, um seem like a great guy but I'm just wondering, uh, is there someone else who could help us out with this, maybe, like, another lady? No, I'm sorry.
We're fully booked.
It's okay, it's okay.
Dan can do me, all right? No, he's not gonna do you.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not gonna have some guy oiling up my wife.
Honey, it doesn't matter.
You don't think it's weird that Laurie's gonna be oiling me? Because she's a very attractive young lady.
Honey, she's a masseuse.
It's her job.
It doesn't bother me, okay? Come on.
You know what, Dan, I'm gonna have you do me.
Great.
Man on man.
Uh okay.
Well, why don't you guys disrobe and, uh, we'll give you some privacy.
Okay, thanks.
All right.
And then Grammy got a letter from the War Department saying that he had been killed in Anzio.
But she didn't believe it, did she? No.
She did not.
And six years later, Grampy walked through that door.
And sure, his hands had been blown off, but he had flowers taped to his stumps.
And for the next 50 years, they lived a life of total happiness.
You see, that is what I want: exactly what your grandparents had, but with hands.
Well, mister, I think you just found it.
This might be the first day of our life together.
Well, what are we waiting for? Whoo! Come on.
Come on.
You're welcome.
Good luck, guys.
Oh! Mmm Whoa! Oh, my hands! You like that sound? That's your lotion.
Heating up.
Get ready for it.
Mmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, can't do this.
Sorry.
I, uh yeah, I'm gonna need Laurie.
Yep, sorry.
Is everything okay? Hey, check this out.
We're kind of parenting here.
Yeah, kind of rockin' it.
Yeah, it makes all that complaining Mike always does seem ridiculous.
Hey! Hey, that kid just pushed Tommy down, and his dad's not doing anything about it.
Yeah, I mean, Tommy looks all right.
No, no, no.
It's the principle here, okay? You can't j Hey! Hey, you! Oh whoa, whoa.
Just hey, hey.
Hey, just take it easy.
I agree.
Th-this is ridiculous, and I am just as enraged as you are about this.
Really? Ye uh, yes.
Okay.
You going to do something about it? Y-yes.
Yes, I am.
Now would be the time.
Hey.
What's up? Hey.
How you doing? Hey.
Your, uh your kid just pushed my kid down over there.
Oh.
Yeah, well, boys will do that.
I know.
I know.
Could you, um? This guy I'm sorry.
Could you do me a favor and just, like, pretend that you're, like, really angry at me right now? What did you say? If that was, like, a two or something, just bring it up to, like, a nine.
What the hell is your problem, man? Yeah, okay, that's good.
That's good.
Just live in that space.
That'd be that would be perfect.
I'm not gonna live in any sp Hey, what are you, weird? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm I'm really sorry about that.
Hey! Yeah, you.
Uh, hey, Callie.
So this is this is the gentleman that we're yelling at.
Yeah, your kid just pushed our kid down again.
Technically, he's not our kid.
Callie Oh, my God! What is he doing now? He's he's peeing on Tommy.
Ooh.
Not cool.
So what? That's what people do.
That is not what people do; that is what cocker spaniels do.
You you know what you are? Wait.
Pleaseplease don't say it.
A bonebag.
What'd she just call me? Um she called you a bonebag.
Which is actually an elegant little piece of wordplay there.
It it applies.
You're a bonebag.
Yeah, well, what are you going to do about it? Gonna gonna mix it up.
Mix it up? That's right.
I hope you like smoothies, 'cause you just turned on the blender, buddy.
Take these.
Actually, wait, I need them.
What did you just call my husband? Called him a bonebag.
You son of a bitch.
Baby! You're a bonebag.
That's right, baby.
You tell him.
Yeah.
I am so sorry, Adam.
Not as sorry as my nose is.
It is so sweet of you to drive your friend to the hospital.
Well, he's hurt, he's my friend, and I just found this ambulance.
What do you do? You know, this is our first ride in your ambulance together.
This is our first ride in my ambulance together.
Hello, soul mate.
Hello, soul mate.
Oh, God.
Mama like? Oh, God, yeah.
Is that where it is, right there? Oh, yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
Right there? Okay, hey.
Keep your hands where I can see them, okay, pal? Honey, come on.
Right here? Oh, God.
I feel like I'm really getting to know you.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, you know what? You're just going to have to reign it back there a little bit, 'cause this has got to stay G-rated.
Honey, you finally got me to relax, and now you're driving me crazy.
I'm sorry, This is just weird.
Well, what do you think's gonna happen? That I'm going to fall in love with Dan and we're going to run away together? With Dan? Are you kidding? Come on.
I mean, first, he has terrible taste in music.
It's Laurie's mix.
I told you.
Let me put it to you this way.
If you don't relax, we are not going to stay in a hotel until Tommy's in college.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
And now for some real music.
Laurie.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Look, when I see injustice in the world, I feel like I have to do something.
Okay, Batman.
Look, I can't just let people literally pee all over us.
Well, there is a right and a wrong way to resolve these sorts of conflicts.
I know.
Talk things out like adults.
Or you could steal stuff which is why I had Ethan take that little pee sack's tricycle.
Hey, you got a new bicycle, Tommy.
Go ahead.
I know you want to.
Really? Really.
What's mine is yours now.
That was awesome.
You're awesome.
You're awesome.
Was it just me, or did that kind of Suck.
Yeah.
Guys, why are we stopped? Come on.
We got a bleeder back th Oh, come on.
Hey, buddy, do you not see this is an ambulance? Move it! Sorry, sweetie.
Last time.
You tell 'em, baby.
Bonebag! Okay, guys.
You're all set.
We'll just give you a few minutes to get dressed.
And remember to drink a lot of water.
It's That's my line.
This is not the Laurie show.
Oh, that was great.
Oh, God.
Wasn't it, honey? Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God! Mike.
What are you doing? What? I'm not doing anything.
I was What? Did that girl turn you on? What girl? - What girl? Laurie from 20 seconds ago.
- Laurie? Yeah, who you referred to as an attractive lady.
Is that what happened? Laurie was working out a lot of stuff in my back.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, and she pushed a lot of blood in different directions.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't have any control as to where it was going.
I'm kidding, babe.
I'm busting your chops.
She said we had a few minutes, right? So, uh Do you want to Should we, you know? Could we? We could.
Should we? We shall.
Let me set the mood.
Do it.
Oh, yeah.
God, you are one beautiful I am so sorry.
You're right.
I pushed it.
We should never have been doing this.
No, sweetie.
Just finish these forms so we can get home and finish what we started.
- Come here.
- Oh Mmm Ow! Oh.
Sorry.
Oh No, it's okay.
Babe.
Oh I love you.
What? Nothing.
Why don't you just stay right here? Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Right here.
And then fill that out.
Okay.
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Okay, honey.
He broke his nose during sex.
I know.
That's when you know it's good.
What is going on? What are you doing here? Hey! Mike! What are you doing here? - Is Tommy okay? - Tommy is fine.
Well, he did pitch a little diaper tent, but What happened to your nose? What happened to your nose? You look like a duck.
You look like a Help me.
Duck.
Duck.
All right.
Let's get this right.
All right.
Oh, no.
All right.
Not working.
I'm calling it.
Yeah.
This is so strange.
I mean, this should work.
You've got the whole British thing going on with the sexy snake hips.
I thought it would be like kissing Mick Jagger, but it's kind of like kissing a drifter.
No offense.
None taken.
I assume you mean a young Mick Jagger, cause these days he's a bit of an old paperbag.
Oh yeah.
You couldn't watch him for 6 hours without ending up in the hospital? - I just want one night out with my wife.
- Look, I know that it looks bad, but it's fine, I promise.
Alright, and the good news is we learnt a valuable lesson about picking our bells.
Yeah, and conflict resolution.
That's right.
Sometimes you gotta go in there and mix it up.
He totally turned the blender on.
It was very hot.
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I liked that.
Hey, idiots.
You both suck.
Do you have any idea what I've been through today? I had a man touch me, just to make my wife happy.
- You what? - I don't wanna talk about it You guys have to get Tommy home.
Now.
Cause if Lisa sees him in a hospital, I will never leave the house again.
Did you even change his diaper? I mean, really.
He smells like tinkle.
- Um, that's his hair.
- What? She just That's a funny story for another day.
Hey, guys, hello? Can we go? We gotta get out of here.
- Mike? Oh my God.
- Oh, bonebag.
Bonebag? Bonebag? - That's the guy from the car.
- I'm gonna take you down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! Hey, hey, calm down.
You're taking this all wrong.
Bonebag is just an elegant piece of wordplay.
I must say, these guys really saved my life.
Well, technically, I saved your life.
Yeah, well, I would have, if Tommy wasn't in my arms.
And you weren't holding Tommy, it was Lisa.
Same family.
- It's pretty weak.
- Alright, bonebags.
Next round's on me.
You know none of this would have happened if we hadn't clinked on it.
Let's not have each other's lives.
I just want a long term commitment.
I just want a long term commitment.
I just want someone to grow old with.
I just wanna grow old with someone.
I just wanna have a lot of babies and.
I wanna have tons of babies.
- Even in Kansas? - As many as possible.
I'd move to Kansas.
Anywhere.
- Really? - I have I have anger issues.
- I have anger issues.
- I punch windows constantly.
I punch windows sometimes.
Um - I don't understand what bonebag means.
- I don't understand what bonebag means.
- It's not elegant wordplay.
- It's not.
I get 20% off at The Commisary.
Just saying.
- I've never been to The Commisary.
- Me neither.
I've worked here for years.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You wanna hear a lovestory? - Yeah.
I do.
I wanna hear a lovestory.
- Once upon a time - Mm-hmm.
- There was a man sent to Anzio.
- Uh-uh.