Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e10 Episode Script
Kimmy's in a Love Triangle!
1 Okay, open on Kimmy and Titus walking down the street.
Titus, looking amazing: How's your little love triangle going? Nope.
Next topic.
How dare you? For the last three months, it's been, "What's the Internet? Who's that guy? What's Tilda Swinton?" And I have told you: "Tubes, the president, and no one knows.
" And now you have something juicy happening Look, this is not fun for me.
I mean, Logan got into a fight with Dong, because Dong likes me? Enjoy the attention, woman.
The last time I had two men fighting over me, I was a table at a Fire Island arm wrestling match.
Enjoy it? I feel sick to my stomach.
I mean, what do I even say to them? Is that dolphin with a bow on it? No, you wouldn't say that.
Wait.
What? Kimmy, I wanted to apologize for last night.
I recalled that you said you like dolphins.
Don't worry.
He can breathe.
He's a mammal.
- Where would I even put it? - Make it stop looking at me! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Kimmy, I truly regret my behavior, but I think I reacted that way because I really care about you.
Well, what would the Care Bears say about how you show it? It would depend on the bear, Kimmy.
The point is, I overreacted.
I'm just not used to obstacles.
When I summited Mount Everest, I did it in my daddy's private blimp.
To be honest, I've never even seen the inside of a public blimp.
What can I say? I'm a bit of a Daddy's Boy.
- Is that a thing? - Of course it is.
You've heard of a Mama's Boy, right? Although frankly I don't see the appeal.
Look, you're my boyfriend.
Dong is just my friend.
But he wants more than that.
He wants to shoop, baby.
- Shoop.
- I know.
So I will tell him that I picked you.
You have to do more than that.
You need to cut him off completely.
You want me to tell Dong that we can't be friends anymore? It's for his sake.
If you stay friends, he's always gonna want more.
Better to just end it now.
And you know what I find helps soften bad news? A British accent.
The dolphin died on the sidewalk.
'Ello, Dong, me lad! Poppycock! I am rather not your friend anymore.
Tea time! I don't know if I can do this.
This place is hilarious.
It's so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary.
Talking crows? I would have loved to meet a talking crow.
Death looms over us all.
Did I tell you? I auditioned to be a replacement mad scientist? He gets a monologue, and he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.
Women are disgusting, BT-dubs.
Titus, I'm so excited for you.
I'm exciting.
Now, who got the role of Kimmy's boyfriend? I've officially picked Logan.
Okay.
Great.
Wait.
Is it gonna be up to me to teach you about birth control? Probably.
But not yet.
On our third date, Logan and I had a mishap.
Can we take this to the next level? Of course.
My spine! My Apparently all the stuff I thought I knew was way wrong.
He passed out for a second.
So I told him I want to wait a while.
That's why he went full dolphin for you.
I bet nobody's made that rich boy wait for anything.
Titus, do you think it's weird that Logan wants me to stop being friends with Dong? Honestly, no.
There's nothing worse than thinking you have a shot at something when everyone else knows that ship Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
Hold up.
Is that Rick? There is a creature on the loose in this establishment! This monster was once my beloved creation Brought to life with the electrokinesis of my own heartbeat.
Other men of my profession may tell you I am mad.
Am I mad? Am I mad?! I am mad.
When I auditioned to be Dr.
Van Peebles, you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing.
But then you cast Rick? I don't know what to tell you, Titus.
Dr.
Van Peebles has to play as straight.
I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride.
Good show, Rick.
I don't know, honey.
Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote and putting them back in? Well, don't cry.
Come on, Michael.
Michael? Michael? Why, he's as gay as I want to be.
We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees.
Thank you for joining me.
I know you're both very busy.
- Wait.
What? - They're getting divorced? I have been authorized to assure you that it's not your fault, they don't love you any less, grown-up relationships are complicated, et cetera, et cetera.
Great, now if you would initial here to indicate that you received a hug.
And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.
Great.
Wait, what's the deal with custody? What is the deal with custody? It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan.
You're really asking.
Hold on.
You know what? I know it's back here.
It's one of these.
Honestly, Titus, I was just like you.
I was always getting typecast as the funny gay guy who works at the police station.
That's not even a thing.
Or the sassy best friend who makes up words.
Like "snowbesity.
" It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not 'cause they're wearing a winter coat.
But then I turned my career around, thanks to Le Loup.
For realsies? For realisingtons.
He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad for a paintball range.
The straightest of all weekend activities.
Okay.
My parents are getting divorced.
Two Christmases! Yes! You bitch.
A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment, Xan.
Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad? Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire, and I have to go live in Connecticut with my mom and Roger and their gross babies.
Okay, first of all, I never made your stepmom do anything, except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M.
Whoa, that's a big phone.
How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid? Hi, Mom.
Xanthippe, you look tired.
How are your BMs? Mom, jeez.
Well, there's my answer.
So are you all packed? Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city.
Do you have enough corduroy slacks with the little waterfowl stitched in them? What? No.
The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester.
Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week, so I'm coming to get you tomorrow.
What? No.
No, you can't do that.
My God, Xanthippe.
The histrionics are not going to fly in this house, especially around the quintuplets.
And Roger has taken up mental golfing where he uses his mind to play some of the world's most famous courses.
So I really hope we're getting the nice quiet Xan, the one we knew before she invented teen angst.
Helene, please! I'm playing St.
Andrews, and it's very windy.
This is BS.
The only BS around here is butternut squash, one of the dozens of varieties of squash I grow.
I hope you like squash.
Also, tomorrow we're playing squash against the Squashes.
See you then.
I can't live there.
I just need to talk to my father.
He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl.
See, that sounds like a thing.
But he's at his Captain Phillips fantasy camp until Monday.
I need to stall.
You! You have to help me.
No.
This is none of my beeswax.
I don't want to interfere.
Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes.
My God! Not literally.
It's like talking to a chicken.
Imagine you're 15, and one day your whole life gets taken from you: your school, your friends, your dad's friend who buys you jewelry if you send him your old retainers.
Okay, Xan.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna make my mom refuse to take me back to Connecticut.
Hello? Mr.
Le Loup? Hello.
Hi.
Rick Barnes gave me your name.
He said that you work with actors to help them "ass-pay.
" That was Pig Latin for "pass.
" Why would I try Pig Latin for the first time ever right now anyways? So stupid.
I can't work with you.
- What? - You have no potential.
Get out.
But I rode a bus to get here.
A bus that went over a drawbridge.
Fine.
I don't need you! Bye, Felicia! Very good.
You yelled.
You denied help.
You broke something.
That's your first lesson in behaving like a straight man.
Your second lesson Is that he is not Le Loup.
- Hey.
- Yeah, what's up? Bye, Felicia.
I'm gonna break you down, but by the time I put you back together, you're gonna be pulling shorts out of the dirty laundry and eating wings on the crapper without even trying.
Okay.
Training begins immediately, because tomorrow you have an audition for Entourage 2.
Entourage 2? I can't.
Those guys are so straight.
Almost too straight.
Like they're compensating for something? - Yeah.
- Two of them are.
Wait, are those former clients or role models? It begins now! I'm sorry, Dong, but Oy! We're not mates.
I'm with Logan now.
Get off of the barbie! That's not British.
This is-a how you talka the British.
I'ma soften the blow by a-talka the British.
Okay, that's good.
I'm so sorry, Hu Zha Qi.
This is your fault.
I hope you die, become ghost, fly around the room.
That make everybody happy.
Kimmy, what are you doing here? What happened? Where is everyone? Immigration raided the restaurant.
They took everyone Cooks, waiters, dishwashers.
I was out on a delivery, or else they would have gotten me too.
Thank God Fordham Law school students smoke so much weed.
Dong, that's so scary.
And the owner says that they came here looking for me.
You can't stay here.
Go home! This is my home! Hu Zha Qi let me sleep on the grill.
If you time it right, it's very cozy.
Hey.
Almost forgot this.
If we don't give you a receipt, then the whole raid is free.
And if that Dong Nguyen comes back, you guys let us know.
You got it, chief.
That's it.
You're coming with me.
You can sleep on the couch.
No.
Is that my leg hole? It's okay.
I'm pretty good friends with the pregnant raccoon who lives in there.
Kimmy, I'm afraid I ruined everything between us.
Look, Dong, it's not anyone's fault.
It's just, I have so much fun with you.
Remember when we took the tram to Roosevelt Island? And we realized it was just one wire holding us up? We started screaming and screaming, and then all the commuters started screaming too.
Because they were seeing it through our eyes.
And we agree on everything, Kimmy.
Like how it's so weird that people want to "eat local.
" Yeah, I don't want to eat a bird I might know.
And what's with all the bottled water? Why is everyone so thirsty all the time? "Duh, I've been awake for one second.
I better have some water.
" "I better carry my water with me while I walk to the water store.
" Listen, Dong, I need you to know that Logan is my boyfriend, so you and I will just be friends.
Okay.
Friends.
Hello, Sugar Walls.
Nope.
All right.
Hi.
Listen, my parents are blimping into town tomorrow, and I would love it if you would join us for dinner.
Your parents? Boy.
Okay.
Sure.
Wonderful.
So they're landing sometime between 4:00 and 7:00, somewhere between 45th Street and Bucks County.
Easy, girl.
Okay.
I can't wait for you to meet Mom, but especially Daddy.
Kimmy, I'm so glad we were able to put all that unpleasantness behind us.
Me, too.
Till then.
Come on, darling.
That's right.
Come on.
My God.
Kimmy.
This is your apartment? You're so poor.
It's perfect.
Scenario: two straight men attend a movie.
Go.
No! You leave a buffer seat.
Scenario: you're thirsty.
Go.
No.
Straight men don't drink through straws.
It looks like you're [bleep.]
a leprechaun's [bleep.]
.
Scenario: I'm a coworker, telling you a sad story at a bar after work.
I go, "My wife, she's so sick.
She got Ebola from a toilet seat.
" No! First of all, you're drinking beer.
And straight men never give any indication they're listening.
They don't even nod.
Now, you listen, stone-faced, like a man, no matter what! Elton John just died.
I like acid-washed jeans.
Madonna is overrated! Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees, if this is your idea of a joke, you belong in a Woody Allen film because I am not laughing.
I am at the address you sent me.
I'm going to ring the buzzer, but if I get murdered, for God's sake, drag my body below 96th Street, then call the police.
Okay, that's her.
Far out.
You must be Xan's old lady.
Is this a root cellar? Hey, Mom.
Quick question: is my room in Connecticut big enough for my drum set? What is going on here, young lady? Get in the car! But my black boyfriend is coming by with rum.
What's up, fellow prostitutes? Where's all the money from the drugs you smoked? Be cool, man.
Not in front of my mom.
Kimmy, pay Cobra.
But I don't have any money.
Then pay him with your body.
Good God.
Hey! Hands off my girlfriend.
And you're dating a gay guy? Sure.
I told him he could stay in Grandmère's old room in Connecticut.
No, no.
I don't think so.
I'm taking you back to the townhouse and letting your father deal with you.
Even Le Loup can't help me.
I'll never be E's wingman at the vodka release party.
Kimmy, I don't think I can just be your friend.
What are you saying? I can't pretend I don't have feelings for you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I can't stay here.
But where are you gonna go? Probably the Mount Airy Lodge.
The commercial says all I have to bring is my love of everything.
And that's all I have.
Hey! Messy Marvins! No underage drinking on my watch.
Actually, I have a note from my parents that says if it's over $75 a bottle, it's educational.
What? No.
Go do a puzzle or something.
My God.
Classic whoever-you-are.
I saved your life once.
Hey, Kimmy.
I just want to thank you, seriously.
I get to stay in Manhattan.
If you had friends, you'd understand what this feels like.
You're welcome.
It's soda.
I kind of hate Merlot.
Hey, Xan, this is weird, but have you ever been in a love triangle before? That Lucite pyramid in Jacqueline's room? Or are you saying two guys are into you? Because either way, gross.
A friend of mine told me that he liked me, and I think I may have screwed everything up.
Well, you know that I've never, like, had a boyfriend.
I mean, I made out with Cheshire a couple times, and I think he's gonna break up with Gengi because she's his adopted sister.
My God.
He doesn't like me.
He's just using me so his parents don't find out he's hooking up with his sister.
Xan, go open another bottle.
Terry, I'll have a beer drink.
I'm not working today.
I have an audition for Entourage 2.
I'll never pass.
"Yo, if her face is half as good as her ass, I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four.
" Yi-yi-yi.
Commit, Titus.
Commit! "Yo, if her face is good as her ass, I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four.
" Hey, what'd you say? Me? Nothing.
Wait.
Did you think I was hitting on her? Yeah, horn dog, I do.
Well, tell your lady I want to greenlight her chest with And bang stuff.
Ew! I'm passing for straight.
I'm passing for straight! I'm passing for straight! Of course you are.
You've always been able to pass for straight, Titus.
The only person you needed to audition for was yourself.
You mean? There is no Entourage 2 audition.
There is no Entourage 2.
Thank God.
There is no Entourage 2! There is no Entourage 2! I can't find my phone.
Dude, come over here.
I'm cyber-bullying Mr.
Finkel.
I'm pretending to be his ex-wife, and he's buying it.
"If you still love me, come over right now and kill my boyfriend.
" Xanthippe, what is going on? What are you doing here? I did! I couldn't really hear in there.
Did your mom not just say, "If you didn't send these texts from your phone, who did?" What the hell are you doing? Mrs.
Xan's Real Mom, I'm not a crack whore.
I'm Kimmy.
You texted me? That explains why you spelled "Xanthippe" wrong.
- Z-E-H - No.
Wrong.
Stop.
The point is, we tricked you earlier.
That wasn't a crack den.
That was the home of some loser I know.
She's crazy, mom From the drugs.
I only did it because I thought I was helping your daughter, keeping her from having her life tooken away.
I'm sorry, did you just say "tooken" instead of "taken"? Of course not.
But then I realized, her friends are just the worst.
Simone is a pathological liar.
Jay Z is at my house, but he's really busy.
You can't meet him.
But Xan is a good kid.
I know.
My brother's, like, borderline everything, and I stole these from his bathroom.
Should we just see what happens? That's a lie! I'm super high.
I'm, like, seeing colors.
My God.
After I saw that, I did some snooping.
I found Xan's report card in her room.
Straight As? AP Latin? Also, she plays the oboe in band.
Not in a band.
In band.
And when I saw this next one, even I couldn't help but think, "Man, this nerd is lame.
" It's her waterproof birding journal.
You saw a Thick-Billed Murre? Where? Mom, I don't want to talk about it right It was at Turtle Pond.
It was glorious.
Mrs.
Mr.
Voorhees' First Wife, not only do I think it will be good for Xan to be in Connecticut, I think it will be good for Connecticut to have Xan.
I am gonna get you back for this.
I don't care how long it takes.
I will learn everything Connecticut can teach me about revenge, and I will make you pay! Don't you look lovely.
Aww.
You also don't look lovely.
That's So here we go.
Meeting the parents.
With no obstacles.
Here.
It's like at school, when I used to run the hurdles, but they would remove all my hurdles.
That way I almost always won.
Yeah.
Dong's out of the picture.
He's not even in New York anymore.
He's not even in the United States.
What are you talking about? Do you know about the immigration thing? All right, look, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I called them.
What? Kimmy, that man attacked me.
And he was in the country illegally.
Daddy said I should tell.
That's horrible! I want you to leave.
Are you kidding? Kimmy, I'll allow that perhaps it was a tad extreme, but I did it for us.
There is no us.
And there's no such thing as a Daddy's Boy.
Really? Then what about the 1938 musical Daddy's Boy? About a sailor who gets off his ship after months at sea and goes straight to visit his daddy.
Get out.
Unbelievable.
Yikes.
I guess you can forget! Dong! Dong, wait! Kimmy, what are you doing here? You can't go, 'cause you're not some Daddy's Boy who tries to dolphin me and then blimps.
I understand all those words separately.
You're kind, and you're funny, and both our names mean "penis.
" And I don't want to be your friend either, 'cause I like you.
I mean I like you, like you.
But I'm getting on a bus bus.
Stay! Logan is out of the triangle.
It's now just a regular biangle.
You mean a line? We need to work on your geometry, Kimmy.
That's right.
We do.
So you'll stay? I want to, but immigration is looking for me.
So? It took the police 15 years to find me.
Nothing.
Hi.
Gilligan! Kimmy, if we want to date, just to be safe, we should probably get married first.
A Dong says what? I know, it's pretty crazy, but just think about it, okay? No pressure.
But I'm in jeopardy every day.
Daddy's Boy I'm just a silly little Daddy's Boy Daddy's Boy He's got a daddy that he brings such joy My daddy's tall and sweet Like a candy cane And when we walk down the street We refuse to explain How a Daddy's Boy And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy's Daddy Could love each other so And that's how the 1938 musical train wreck Daddy's Boy ends, mid-song, as the crew refused to continue working on the production.
Coming up next, an encore presentation of Daddy's Boy.
No! We had a deal! Well, well, well, what do we have here? Two little lovebirds canoodling behind a dustbin, and I beg your pardon, sirs.
My Eldridge and I were just doing some calisthenics.
I need to be my trimmest, officer.
See, I report for duty in Cape May, in, well, less than 24 hours.
Can you begrudge a father one last romp with his boy before the Navy ruins him? My apologies to you and your adult son, sir.
I mistook you for a pair of common street screwers.
Not to worry, my good man.
It's like my grandpapa always told me Listen to the twiddle of the little dickie-bird Sometimes what you think you hear Is not quite what you heard "Twiddle-dee, twit-twoo" Means "I love you" "Tweet-twoo, twidle-dee" Means "get off of me" "Tweetie, tweetie, tweetie" Means "you're my little sweetie" "Twattie twittie twittle" Means "to your right a little" Dickie-bird, dickie-bird Dickie-bird do Trying to tell you that I love you like the dickie-bird do Extry, extry! Read all about it! Germany mounts offensive against Poles.
I must go! Good night, everybody!
Titus, looking amazing: How's your little love triangle going? Nope.
Next topic.
How dare you? For the last three months, it's been, "What's the Internet? Who's that guy? What's Tilda Swinton?" And I have told you: "Tubes, the president, and no one knows.
" And now you have something juicy happening Look, this is not fun for me.
I mean, Logan got into a fight with Dong, because Dong likes me? Enjoy the attention, woman.
The last time I had two men fighting over me, I was a table at a Fire Island arm wrestling match.
Enjoy it? I feel sick to my stomach.
I mean, what do I even say to them? Is that dolphin with a bow on it? No, you wouldn't say that.
Wait.
What? Kimmy, I wanted to apologize for last night.
I recalled that you said you like dolphins.
Don't worry.
He can breathe.
He's a mammal.
- Where would I even put it? - Make it stop looking at me! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Kimmy, I truly regret my behavior, but I think I reacted that way because I really care about you.
Well, what would the Care Bears say about how you show it? It would depend on the bear, Kimmy.
The point is, I overreacted.
I'm just not used to obstacles.
When I summited Mount Everest, I did it in my daddy's private blimp.
To be honest, I've never even seen the inside of a public blimp.
What can I say? I'm a bit of a Daddy's Boy.
- Is that a thing? - Of course it is.
You've heard of a Mama's Boy, right? Although frankly I don't see the appeal.
Look, you're my boyfriend.
Dong is just my friend.
But he wants more than that.
He wants to shoop, baby.
- Shoop.
- I know.
So I will tell him that I picked you.
You have to do more than that.
You need to cut him off completely.
You want me to tell Dong that we can't be friends anymore? It's for his sake.
If you stay friends, he's always gonna want more.
Better to just end it now.
And you know what I find helps soften bad news? A British accent.
The dolphin died on the sidewalk.
'Ello, Dong, me lad! Poppycock! I am rather not your friend anymore.
Tea time! I don't know if I can do this.
This place is hilarious.
It's so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary.
Talking crows? I would have loved to meet a talking crow.
Death looms over us all.
Did I tell you? I auditioned to be a replacement mad scientist? He gets a monologue, and he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.
Women are disgusting, BT-dubs.
Titus, I'm so excited for you.
I'm exciting.
Now, who got the role of Kimmy's boyfriend? I've officially picked Logan.
Okay.
Great.
Wait.
Is it gonna be up to me to teach you about birth control? Probably.
But not yet.
On our third date, Logan and I had a mishap.
Can we take this to the next level? Of course.
My spine! My Apparently all the stuff I thought I knew was way wrong.
He passed out for a second.
So I told him I want to wait a while.
That's why he went full dolphin for you.
I bet nobody's made that rich boy wait for anything.
Titus, do you think it's weird that Logan wants me to stop being friends with Dong? Honestly, no.
There's nothing worse than thinking you have a shot at something when everyone else knows that ship Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
Hold up.
Is that Rick? There is a creature on the loose in this establishment! This monster was once my beloved creation Brought to life with the electrokinesis of my own heartbeat.
Other men of my profession may tell you I am mad.
Am I mad? Am I mad?! I am mad.
When I auditioned to be Dr.
Van Peebles, you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing.
But then you cast Rick? I don't know what to tell you, Titus.
Dr.
Van Peebles has to play as straight.
I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride.
Good show, Rick.
I don't know, honey.
Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote and putting them back in? Well, don't cry.
Come on, Michael.
Michael? Michael? Why, he's as gay as I want to be.
We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees.
Thank you for joining me.
I know you're both very busy.
- Wait.
What? - They're getting divorced? I have been authorized to assure you that it's not your fault, they don't love you any less, grown-up relationships are complicated, et cetera, et cetera.
Great, now if you would initial here to indicate that you received a hug.
And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.
Great.
Wait, what's the deal with custody? What is the deal with custody? It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan.
You're really asking.
Hold on.
You know what? I know it's back here.
It's one of these.
Honestly, Titus, I was just like you.
I was always getting typecast as the funny gay guy who works at the police station.
That's not even a thing.
Or the sassy best friend who makes up words.
Like "snowbesity.
" It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not 'cause they're wearing a winter coat.
But then I turned my career around, thanks to Le Loup.
For realsies? For realisingtons.
He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad for a paintball range.
The straightest of all weekend activities.
Okay.
My parents are getting divorced.
Two Christmases! Yes! You bitch.
A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment, Xan.
Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad? Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire, and I have to go live in Connecticut with my mom and Roger and their gross babies.
Okay, first of all, I never made your stepmom do anything, except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M.
Whoa, that's a big phone.
How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid? Hi, Mom.
Xanthippe, you look tired.
How are your BMs? Mom, jeez.
Well, there's my answer.
So are you all packed? Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city.
Do you have enough corduroy slacks with the little waterfowl stitched in them? What? No.
The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester.
Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week, so I'm coming to get you tomorrow.
What? No.
No, you can't do that.
My God, Xanthippe.
The histrionics are not going to fly in this house, especially around the quintuplets.
And Roger has taken up mental golfing where he uses his mind to play some of the world's most famous courses.
So I really hope we're getting the nice quiet Xan, the one we knew before she invented teen angst.
Helene, please! I'm playing St.
Andrews, and it's very windy.
This is BS.
The only BS around here is butternut squash, one of the dozens of varieties of squash I grow.
I hope you like squash.
Also, tomorrow we're playing squash against the Squashes.
See you then.
I can't live there.
I just need to talk to my father.
He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl.
See, that sounds like a thing.
But he's at his Captain Phillips fantasy camp until Monday.
I need to stall.
You! You have to help me.
No.
This is none of my beeswax.
I don't want to interfere.
Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes.
My God! Not literally.
It's like talking to a chicken.
Imagine you're 15, and one day your whole life gets taken from you: your school, your friends, your dad's friend who buys you jewelry if you send him your old retainers.
Okay, Xan.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna make my mom refuse to take me back to Connecticut.
Hello? Mr.
Le Loup? Hello.
Hi.
Rick Barnes gave me your name.
He said that you work with actors to help them "ass-pay.
" That was Pig Latin for "pass.
" Why would I try Pig Latin for the first time ever right now anyways? So stupid.
I can't work with you.
- What? - You have no potential.
Get out.
But I rode a bus to get here.
A bus that went over a drawbridge.
Fine.
I don't need you! Bye, Felicia! Very good.
You yelled.
You denied help.
You broke something.
That's your first lesson in behaving like a straight man.
Your second lesson Is that he is not Le Loup.
- Hey.
- Yeah, what's up? Bye, Felicia.
I'm gonna break you down, but by the time I put you back together, you're gonna be pulling shorts out of the dirty laundry and eating wings on the crapper without even trying.
Okay.
Training begins immediately, because tomorrow you have an audition for Entourage 2.
Entourage 2? I can't.
Those guys are so straight.
Almost too straight.
Like they're compensating for something? - Yeah.
- Two of them are.
Wait, are those former clients or role models? It begins now! I'm sorry, Dong, but Oy! We're not mates.
I'm with Logan now.
Get off of the barbie! That's not British.
This is-a how you talka the British.
I'ma soften the blow by a-talka the British.
Okay, that's good.
I'm so sorry, Hu Zha Qi.
This is your fault.
I hope you die, become ghost, fly around the room.
That make everybody happy.
Kimmy, what are you doing here? What happened? Where is everyone? Immigration raided the restaurant.
They took everyone Cooks, waiters, dishwashers.
I was out on a delivery, or else they would have gotten me too.
Thank God Fordham Law school students smoke so much weed.
Dong, that's so scary.
And the owner says that they came here looking for me.
You can't stay here.
Go home! This is my home! Hu Zha Qi let me sleep on the grill.
If you time it right, it's very cozy.
Hey.
Almost forgot this.
If we don't give you a receipt, then the whole raid is free.
And if that Dong Nguyen comes back, you guys let us know.
You got it, chief.
That's it.
You're coming with me.
You can sleep on the couch.
No.
Is that my leg hole? It's okay.
I'm pretty good friends with the pregnant raccoon who lives in there.
Kimmy, I'm afraid I ruined everything between us.
Look, Dong, it's not anyone's fault.
It's just, I have so much fun with you.
Remember when we took the tram to Roosevelt Island? And we realized it was just one wire holding us up? We started screaming and screaming, and then all the commuters started screaming too.
Because they were seeing it through our eyes.
And we agree on everything, Kimmy.
Like how it's so weird that people want to "eat local.
" Yeah, I don't want to eat a bird I might know.
And what's with all the bottled water? Why is everyone so thirsty all the time? "Duh, I've been awake for one second.
I better have some water.
" "I better carry my water with me while I walk to the water store.
" Listen, Dong, I need you to know that Logan is my boyfriend, so you and I will just be friends.
Okay.
Friends.
Hello, Sugar Walls.
Nope.
All right.
Hi.
Listen, my parents are blimping into town tomorrow, and I would love it if you would join us for dinner.
Your parents? Boy.
Okay.
Sure.
Wonderful.
So they're landing sometime between 4:00 and 7:00, somewhere between 45th Street and Bucks County.
Easy, girl.
Okay.
I can't wait for you to meet Mom, but especially Daddy.
Kimmy, I'm so glad we were able to put all that unpleasantness behind us.
Me, too.
Till then.
Come on, darling.
That's right.
Come on.
My God.
Kimmy.
This is your apartment? You're so poor.
It's perfect.
Scenario: two straight men attend a movie.
Go.
No! You leave a buffer seat.
Scenario: you're thirsty.
Go.
No.
Straight men don't drink through straws.
It looks like you're [bleep.]
a leprechaun's [bleep.]
.
Scenario: I'm a coworker, telling you a sad story at a bar after work.
I go, "My wife, she's so sick.
She got Ebola from a toilet seat.
" No! First of all, you're drinking beer.
And straight men never give any indication they're listening.
They don't even nod.
Now, you listen, stone-faced, like a man, no matter what! Elton John just died.
I like acid-washed jeans.
Madonna is overrated! Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees, if this is your idea of a joke, you belong in a Woody Allen film because I am not laughing.
I am at the address you sent me.
I'm going to ring the buzzer, but if I get murdered, for God's sake, drag my body below 96th Street, then call the police.
Okay, that's her.
Far out.
You must be Xan's old lady.
Is this a root cellar? Hey, Mom.
Quick question: is my room in Connecticut big enough for my drum set? What is going on here, young lady? Get in the car! But my black boyfriend is coming by with rum.
What's up, fellow prostitutes? Where's all the money from the drugs you smoked? Be cool, man.
Not in front of my mom.
Kimmy, pay Cobra.
But I don't have any money.
Then pay him with your body.
Good God.
Hey! Hands off my girlfriend.
And you're dating a gay guy? Sure.
I told him he could stay in Grandmère's old room in Connecticut.
No, no.
I don't think so.
I'm taking you back to the townhouse and letting your father deal with you.
Even Le Loup can't help me.
I'll never be E's wingman at the vodka release party.
Kimmy, I don't think I can just be your friend.
What are you saying? I can't pretend I don't have feelings for you anymore.
I'm sorry.
I can't stay here.
But where are you gonna go? Probably the Mount Airy Lodge.
The commercial says all I have to bring is my love of everything.
And that's all I have.
Hey! Messy Marvins! No underage drinking on my watch.
Actually, I have a note from my parents that says if it's over $75 a bottle, it's educational.
What? No.
Go do a puzzle or something.
My God.
Classic whoever-you-are.
I saved your life once.
Hey, Kimmy.
I just want to thank you, seriously.
I get to stay in Manhattan.
If you had friends, you'd understand what this feels like.
You're welcome.
It's soda.
I kind of hate Merlot.
Hey, Xan, this is weird, but have you ever been in a love triangle before? That Lucite pyramid in Jacqueline's room? Or are you saying two guys are into you? Because either way, gross.
A friend of mine told me that he liked me, and I think I may have screwed everything up.
Well, you know that I've never, like, had a boyfriend.
I mean, I made out with Cheshire a couple times, and I think he's gonna break up with Gengi because she's his adopted sister.
My God.
He doesn't like me.
He's just using me so his parents don't find out he's hooking up with his sister.
Xan, go open another bottle.
Terry, I'll have a beer drink.
I'm not working today.
I have an audition for Entourage 2.
I'll never pass.
"Yo, if her face is half as good as her ass, I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four.
" Yi-yi-yi.
Commit, Titus.
Commit! "Yo, if her face is good as her ass, I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four.
" Hey, what'd you say? Me? Nothing.
Wait.
Did you think I was hitting on her? Yeah, horn dog, I do.
Well, tell your lady I want to greenlight her chest with And bang stuff.
Ew! I'm passing for straight.
I'm passing for straight! I'm passing for straight! Of course you are.
You've always been able to pass for straight, Titus.
The only person you needed to audition for was yourself.
You mean? There is no Entourage 2 audition.
There is no Entourage 2.
Thank God.
There is no Entourage 2! There is no Entourage 2! I can't find my phone.
Dude, come over here.
I'm cyber-bullying Mr.
Finkel.
I'm pretending to be his ex-wife, and he's buying it.
"If you still love me, come over right now and kill my boyfriend.
" Xanthippe, what is going on? What are you doing here? I did! I couldn't really hear in there.
Did your mom not just say, "If you didn't send these texts from your phone, who did?" What the hell are you doing? Mrs.
Xan's Real Mom, I'm not a crack whore.
I'm Kimmy.
You texted me? That explains why you spelled "Xanthippe" wrong.
- Z-E-H - No.
Wrong.
Stop.
The point is, we tricked you earlier.
That wasn't a crack den.
That was the home of some loser I know.
She's crazy, mom From the drugs.
I only did it because I thought I was helping your daughter, keeping her from having her life tooken away.
I'm sorry, did you just say "tooken" instead of "taken"? Of course not.
But then I realized, her friends are just the worst.
Simone is a pathological liar.
Jay Z is at my house, but he's really busy.
You can't meet him.
But Xan is a good kid.
I know.
My brother's, like, borderline everything, and I stole these from his bathroom.
Should we just see what happens? That's a lie! I'm super high.
I'm, like, seeing colors.
My God.
After I saw that, I did some snooping.
I found Xan's report card in her room.
Straight As? AP Latin? Also, she plays the oboe in band.
Not in a band.
In band.
And when I saw this next one, even I couldn't help but think, "Man, this nerd is lame.
" It's her waterproof birding journal.
You saw a Thick-Billed Murre? Where? Mom, I don't want to talk about it right It was at Turtle Pond.
It was glorious.
Mrs.
Mr.
Voorhees' First Wife, not only do I think it will be good for Xan to be in Connecticut, I think it will be good for Connecticut to have Xan.
I am gonna get you back for this.
I don't care how long it takes.
I will learn everything Connecticut can teach me about revenge, and I will make you pay! Don't you look lovely.
Aww.
You also don't look lovely.
That's So here we go.
Meeting the parents.
With no obstacles.
Here.
It's like at school, when I used to run the hurdles, but they would remove all my hurdles.
That way I almost always won.
Yeah.
Dong's out of the picture.
He's not even in New York anymore.
He's not even in the United States.
What are you talking about? Do you know about the immigration thing? All right, look, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I called them.
What? Kimmy, that man attacked me.
And he was in the country illegally.
Daddy said I should tell.
That's horrible! I want you to leave.
Are you kidding? Kimmy, I'll allow that perhaps it was a tad extreme, but I did it for us.
There is no us.
And there's no such thing as a Daddy's Boy.
Really? Then what about the 1938 musical Daddy's Boy? About a sailor who gets off his ship after months at sea and goes straight to visit his daddy.
Get out.
Unbelievable.
Yikes.
I guess you can forget! Dong! Dong, wait! Kimmy, what are you doing here? You can't go, 'cause you're not some Daddy's Boy who tries to dolphin me and then blimps.
I understand all those words separately.
You're kind, and you're funny, and both our names mean "penis.
" And I don't want to be your friend either, 'cause I like you.
I mean I like you, like you.
But I'm getting on a bus bus.
Stay! Logan is out of the triangle.
It's now just a regular biangle.
You mean a line? We need to work on your geometry, Kimmy.
That's right.
We do.
So you'll stay? I want to, but immigration is looking for me.
So? It took the police 15 years to find me.
Nothing.
Hi.
Gilligan! Kimmy, if we want to date, just to be safe, we should probably get married first.
A Dong says what? I know, it's pretty crazy, but just think about it, okay? No pressure.
But I'm in jeopardy every day.
Daddy's Boy I'm just a silly little Daddy's Boy Daddy's Boy He's got a daddy that he brings such joy My daddy's tall and sweet Like a candy cane And when we walk down the street We refuse to explain How a Daddy's Boy And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy's Daddy Could love each other so And that's how the 1938 musical train wreck Daddy's Boy ends, mid-song, as the crew refused to continue working on the production.
Coming up next, an encore presentation of Daddy's Boy.
No! We had a deal! Well, well, well, what do we have here? Two little lovebirds canoodling behind a dustbin, and I beg your pardon, sirs.
My Eldridge and I were just doing some calisthenics.
I need to be my trimmest, officer.
See, I report for duty in Cape May, in, well, less than 24 hours.
Can you begrudge a father one last romp with his boy before the Navy ruins him? My apologies to you and your adult son, sir.
I mistook you for a pair of common street screwers.
Not to worry, my good man.
It's like my grandpapa always told me Listen to the twiddle of the little dickie-bird Sometimes what you think you hear Is not quite what you heard "Twiddle-dee, twit-twoo" Means "I love you" "Tweet-twoo, twidle-dee" Means "get off of me" "Tweetie, tweetie, tweetie" Means "you're my little sweetie" "Twattie twittie twittle" Means "to your right a little" Dickie-bird, dickie-bird Dickie-bird do Trying to tell you that I love you like the dickie-bird do Extry, extry! Read all about it! Germany mounts offensive against Poles.
I must go! Good night, everybody!