United States of Al (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

1 [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Morning.
Well, someone looks like they mixed tequila and tequila last night.
Ha.
You waiting for your birthday to take a shower? Stop it, you two.
Speaking poorly of someone in your family is like spitting in your own face.
Oh, we're just teasing.
It's how we show affection.
[GROANS.]
- Morning, everyone.
- Hello, Mr.
Art.
- Morning.
- Oh.
Got to remember to coat your stomach first.
Hey.
Try it.
That's a nice shirt, Mr.
Art.
I did not know you were one of the Beach Boys.
Huh? My wife bought this for me.
I like to wear it when I visit her grave.
I am so sorry.
Riley told me teasing is how you show love.
Relax.
I'm just giving you a hard time.
You're still not off the hook.
You and Mom enjoy that ice cream.
We always do.
Mm.
Is that an American tradition, to bring ice cream to somebody's grave? Nah, it's just something Dad does.
Double Berry Twist was Mom's favorite.
Yeah, he sits there and eats it and catches her up on what's going on.
Oh.
Shouldn't you go with him? Nah, he likes to go by himself, - so he can complain about us.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We go without him sometimes for the same reason.
[CHUCKLES.]
Has he ever considered getting married again? No.
Well, we can fix that.
A man as wonderful as Mr.
Art should have a loving partner.
Dude, this isn't Afghanistan.
We do not get involved in each other's love lives.
Really? The Bachelor.
The Bachelorette.
Do you not watch any of your own television shows? Oh, did you watch it without me? - He picked - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Rachel.
- No! Oh! Mr.
Art, I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.
That's a weird thing to imagine, - but you're not wrong.
- [CHUCKLES.]
AL: So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic? Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.
- Oh-ho-ho! - [SNICKERING.]
You could not do 100 pull-ups.
I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.
My record's 30.
Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.
Riley, this is not about you.
It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.
You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.
Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.
Where you heading with this, Al? Eh, I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable.
You own your own business.
You have a home.
You have many skills.
You can fall asleep standing up.
You can open a beer with your teeth.
And you know many jokes.
I don't get most of them, - but I sense they are funny.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
But I'm, uh, fine flying solo.
Are you sure? - Absolutely.
- Hmm.
Oh, that broken heart needs healing.
Lizzie, as the woman of the house, you need to find him a mate.
Um I don't think so.
All right.
Then, Riley, it is up to you and me.
Where can we find a large congregation of older single women? Ooh, I don't know.
Bingo? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- Bingo what? - Bingo, bingo.
I feel like you are messing with me.
No, bingo's a game.
Is that what we're playing right now? B-9.
B-9.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Now, explain this game to me.
Honestly, I think it's just a hearing test for old people.
How is that fun? Well, you can win prizes.
Oh, they are gambling? Then, Riley, I cannot play.
It is against my religion.
I-16.
- I-16.
- Bingo! - What just happened? - Yes! [WHOOPS.]
- Somebody won.
- So she yelled "Bingo.
" I had it first.
Yes, you did.
He's new here.
How come you'll put color in Aunt Lizzie's hair and not mine? When you grow up, you can be weird, too.
Your mom's right.
If you start changing up your hair at ten, how are you gonna rebel as a teenager? Face tattoo.
She had that one locked and loaded.
[SCOFFS.]
So, Riley told me that he and Al are gonna try and set your dad up? Yeah.
You interested? Don't be creepy.
But I do think he deserves to be happy.
I do, too.
I mean, what's it been - ten, 11 years? - 12.
I just don't want some strange woman hurting his feelings.
My mom loved every dorky thing about him.
Every corny joke and pun.
I agree.
They're stu-pun-dous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you sure it's your dad who you're worried about? - Who else? - You haven't dated anyone since Michael died.
- Hazel.
- Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong.
I mean, there is a friend of Freddy's who I think you might hit it off with.
- Who? - None of your business.
I'll just keep asking.
Okay, fine.
Todd.
Ugh, no.
He's nice.
I disagree.
I don't find him a-peel-ing.
Tough crowd.
So, when you ladies aren't playing bingo, - what do you like to do? - Mm.
What do you got in mind, handsome? Nothing.
Just making conversation.
I enjoy making pasta salad.
That's Mr.
Art's favorite.
Mm-hmm.
You want to go outside and have a smoke with me? Oh, no, thank you.
What about you, brown sugar? [QUIETLY.]
: Help me.
Check it out.
We won.
A wheel of cheese? We could have won the microwave, but Riley has a very short attention span.
Hey, no one was stopping you from playing.
God was stopping me.
Here.
Don't say I never got you anything.
- You're such a gouda dad.
- [CHUCKLES.]
So, any prospects? We have some candidates, but we need to vet them.
We are looking for the three Gs: good family, good reputation - and shared interests.
- Good shared interests.
Good shared interests.
Our first choice is a charming and lovely woman named Tina Haggerty.
Oh, she stinks.
She gives out toothbrushes for Halloween.
Ooh, that's exactly the kind of intel we need, Hazel.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I know Sandy Wilson.
She's a widow, too.
- How recent? - I don't know.
Find out and get back to me.
Kathy Sanchez, she used to be a crossing guard at my junior high.
Crossing guard? She helps kids safely cross the street.
Well, that is a noble profession.
Top of the pile.
Barbara Anderson.
- Oh, she has a pool.
- Mm.
Yeah, but it's above-ground.
More pool than we have now.
You know, we might need to be - more scientific about this.
- Hmm.
What are their sun signs? Has anybody put them through the zodiac compatibility calculator? What about her? Judy Nordberg? I do her roots.
Both her adult kids are still living with her.
You don't want any part of that mess.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
Strong family unit.
That quality outweighs all others.
Since when did adult kids living at home beat pool? I can't swim.
It's above-ground.
There's no deep end.
Okay.
She's in the maybe pile.
Hey, you got a minute? We want to run something by you.
Not now.
I'm busy.
Hey! I'm sorry, Mr.
Art, but this requires your complete attention.
Ah, what's going on? Al and I have been doing a little recon, and we got a couple of hard targets.
What are you talking about? We found you some women you can date and no longer be lonely.
Why don't you kids go out in the street and play.
At least take a look at what we found.
You expect me to rifle through some photos and j Whoa! She's cute.
Meet Barbara Anderson.
Former schoolteacher.
Lives in the village of Eastmoor.
Eastmoor, huh? Nice area.
- Mm.
- Or bad area, depending on which side of the Applebee's we're talking about.
What else you know about her? Her parents are still alive, so she comes from sturdy stock.
Her older brother sells clothing called Lulu's lemons Lululemon.
That's what I said.
And her twin sister is a chiropractor.
But every family has a black sheep.
Would you like to see some of the other choices? Yeah, sure, why not? This is Pam Douglas.
- Mm.
- Not as striking as Barbara, but she does make your favorite kind of salad.
Have you thought about where you're taking this Barbara on your date? No, not really.
Don't worry.
I've already made a reservation for the three of us at a very nice restaurant.
- You're coming with us? - Relax.
I'll be at a nearby table.
You won't even know I'm there.
He doesn't need a chaperone.
Just need to show her that video of him doing 100 pull-ups.
Will you get over that? He just needs to take her out for coffee.
No way.
Can't close the deal after coffee.
The deal? Did your brain get to 12 and just stop? Hang on, hang on.
You know, this is getting way more complicated than I signed up for.
If it would be easier, Mr.
Art, you don't even have to go.
I can represent you.
You're gonna go on his date for him? How's he gonna get to know her? I'll report back, obviously.
As long as he's there for the wedding, that's all that matters.
And even then, there are some work-arounds.
Whoa, who said anything about a wedding? Uh, not tomorrow.
After three or four dates.
Okay.
We're done here.
I will go talk to him.
No, you've talked enough.
- Nice going.
- Nice going to you.
Want some company? - Not really.
- Well, that's too bad for you.
Come on, talk to me.
Fine.
Remember when you were little and you wanted to go off that high dive at the pool? And then when you got up there, you freaked out and you didn't want to jump? Yeah.
Do you remember what I did? You pushed me.
What? No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I climbed up the ladder, and I carried you down 'cause I could see you weren't ready.
No, you pushed me.
Are you sure? I'm sure and my therapist is sure.
Okay.
Well, the point of my story still holds.
You shouldn't push people who aren't ready.
I get it.
Thank you.
Why don't you just meet her at bingo? Are you not listening to me? [CHUCKLES.]
I wouldn't even know what to say to this woman.
How about, "I like the way you stamp your bingo card"? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No, you know, it was just so easy with your mom.
What did you say to her? Told her she was a knockout.
Ten months later, your brother was born.
When you know, you know.
Look, I'm fine.
My life's fine.
I don't need anything else.
Don't you get lonely? Gotten used to it.
I just feel like you deserve more.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't handle any more.
I got you two knuckleheads to worry about.
Us knuckleheads are always gonna be here.
And you'll never know what might happen if you don't try.
And you're such a catch, Dad.
You're kind.
You're respectful.
You can cook any meat medium rare.
It's genetic.
You can do it, too.
So, what do you say? All right, sure.
I'll give it a try.
Speaking of dating, when do you think you're gonna be ready to Take my own advice? Not now.
All right, all right.
Apparently, I already pushed you once.
There she is, Mr.
Art.
Barbara Anderson, glowing like a 14-day moon.
A 14-day moon? Yeah, it's a good line, Dad.
You should use it.
I will introduce you, after which you can pretend I'm not even here.
Do I have to pretend? [LAUGHS.]
Save some of that charm for her.
Barbara Anderson, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Arthur Dugan.
- Hello, Arthur.
- Eh, you can call me Art.
- Oh, okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ART CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Here are the chocolates you brought for her.
N-43.
N-43.
How do you think it's going? Seems good.
He's talking, she's laughing.
Huh.
Maybe his jokes are funny.
You know, the first time my parents talked was at their wedding.
Over here, that's sometimes the last time - a couple talks to each other.
- Hmm.
So, do you think you will call her Barbara or Mom? I don't know.
Think you'll call her Mrs.
Art? I am thinking Auntie Barbara.
MAN: G-48.
G-48.
- [TUTTING.]
- Riley, the letter is G and the number is 48.
- I heard him.
I don't have it.
- Yes, you do.
- Do you want to just play? - Gamble? Shame on you.
Oh, wait, where'd he go? Auntie Barbara's all alone.
- Yeah, wait here.
- MAN: O-62.
- O-62.
- Oh, no.
We have that.
Excuse me, ma'am? Can you mark it for me, please? Thank you.
Now, would you mind shouting "bingo"? - You done for the night? - Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Oh, it's fine.
She's-she's a great gal.
I'm just not ready.
Hey, I'm just glad we got your ass out of that La-Z-Boy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Excuse me, do either of you know how to jump a car? Yeah.
Sure.
Where-where you parked? That's me.
Wow.
'64 Mustang.
Where'd you get that? In a divorce.
- Should've held out for the hunting cabin.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, well, let's take a look.
Hey, Riley, turn it over when I tell you.
Yeah, you got it.
- I'm Lois, by the way.
- Oh, Art.
I don't know what happened.
Just got some groceries, came back and it wouldn't start.
Yeah, well, looks like you got a little corrosion on the battery terminal.
Let's see here.
Careful.
I know what I'm doing.
[IMITATES ZAPPING, GRUNTS.]
Just kidding.
[CHUCKLING.]
You're terrible.
All right, Riley, uh, try turning it over.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Hey! - [CHUCKLES.]
- There you go.
Got your motor running.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Art, can I buy you a cup of coffee to thank you? No, that's I'm happy to do it.
Just, you know, get home safe.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- Sure.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What are you doing? She's into you.
- What? No.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Come on, at least get her number.
Just leave it alone.
She's out of my league.
Okay, I'm gonna do a thing.
Don't get mad.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Would you mind giving my dad a ride home? I got to go take care of something.
Oh, sure.
Great, thank you.
- What are you doing? - I'm trying to get a new mommy.
Where's Mr.
Art? Barbara has to go home and feed her cats.
Yeah, he's not coming back.
He kind of hit it off with some lady in the parking lot.
What? - Relax, he's a grown man.
- MAN: G-60.
- So, what about Barbara? - MAN: G-60.
I don't know.
I guess they didn't have a spark.
A spark? What does a spark have to do with anything? He met somebody.
Let's just be happy for him.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Who is going to tell Barbara? Well, it's a choice between you and neither of us.
Barbara, I have tragic news.
Mr.
Art is off the market.
Oh.
You are understandably heartbroken, but I will make this right.
I will find you the man of your dreams.
What about Private Ryan? You can do better than him.
So, Maggie, what else can I tell you? [CHUCKLES.]
Your granddaughter got sick eating a wheel of cheese.
Lizzie's got blue hair now.
She looks like a Smurf.
And Riley, he's still figuring it out.
Seems a little better now that his pal from Afghanistan got here.
That guy is a gift from God.
[CHUCKLES.]
You'd love him.
He's a funny kid, quirky.
Brings out the best in everyone.
Hey, I've been thinking.
You know how you used to joke about sleeping with Paul Newman if you ever met him? Well, I give you my blessing.
And speaking of needing blessings I met someone.
She's real nice.
Funny.
[CHUCKLES.]
She got a great car.
Believe it or not, with AM radio.
I think you'd like her.
I do.