Unnatural History s01e10 Episode Script

Pwned! HAHA! Eat laser rebel scum! Eat laser rebel scum! No dude, I told you, you can't taunt me with my taunts.
And I told you that I don't know any science fiction insults.
It's called science fantasy.
What are you two doing? Jasper's training me for laser tag.
On a school morning? Okay, firstly it's a Friday morning and secondly Henry is seriously unprepared.
Lady Laser takes no prisoners in Jasper and Henry's week end adventure.
Weekend, what? Laser tag madness and comic books galore at graphicon tomorrow.
And the Mid Atlantic Rock Climbing Expo on Sunday.
Weekend! Sorry but actually wecan't.
What? Tomorrow you both have PCAS.
No, no, no, no the PCAS is optional for sophomores.
Not for sophomores that are son and nephew of the dean.
What's a PCAS? It's a Pre-Colligate Assessment System.
It's an all day prep test designed to ruin the Saturday plans of high school students everywhere.
But our things are this week end only.
Than consider you PCAS your Saturday appetizer for the main course on Sunday.
No, no but we can't, we can't do both of them at the same time, Graphicon is in town and then the Expo's off in Tacoma Park.
Unless somebody would be willing to let us use two cars? Sorry but I'm on call for the museum's security upgrade.
Security upgrade? From this evening through the week end the museum is closed as we move into the 21st century.
So, what do we do? PCAS on Saturday and on Sunday you have to pick one.
Rock Climbing or Graphicon, hmmm? How about neither can I pick that? It's not which one you choose, it's which one you think we should choose, the cool choice being a day of rock climbing and hiking at Tacoma Park.
Or even cooler comic books, laser tag and mega fans dressed in pathetic but heart felt costumes of Graphicon.
I'd rather take the day to decompress after the PCAS.
You're taking it too? I thought the test was optional? Have you not met Smithson's little miss life's plan to the littlest detail? The PCAS is the first step in Maggie becoming an astronaut.
Astrophysicist.
Wait what happened to astronaut? I changed my mind.
If you're going to do something you should do it right and I think being an astrophysicist is what I'll be the best at.
So that's how we'll decide what we do next Sunday.
With astrophysics? No the PCAS test.
You said it yourself, they grade it fast right? Yeah, test in the morning and the results on the web that night.
So, whoever gets the highest score gets to choose where we go.
Are you sure you want to do that? Well, why not? Well, PCAS is a standardized test, it's not about being smart.
It's about practice and test taking and cultural references where you're not exactly five G.
Five G? Up to speed.
Okay, well ah.
we can scale the test.
I mean, I have to ace it and Henry just has to test to pass.
That's fair, don't you think? Hey, I don't need a handicap; I have this test in the knapsack.
You mean, in the bag.
Whatever.
- Can we study after class? - Can we study after school? Wow, Henry Griffin and Jasper Bartlett, psyched to study.
Never thought I'd see the day.
It's our night at the museum ladies and gentlemen.
Jimmy is on a road trip that lasts two and a half hours, if he's half way through a book that takes three hours to read, can he finish it before the trips end? How can anybody answer this? I mean I once had a two hour bus ride through Maharashtra that turned into five because of a swarm of rhesus monkeys.
That's not the point of the question.
Why not? Oh, ours is not to reason why, ours is just to test or die.
So on a test like this we can't ask questions about their questions? The PCAS isn't about answering your questions; it's about you answering theirs.
Okay, but seriously you don't think this is a weird question? Weird, why? Because it doesn't allow for when things go wrong.
It's a hypothetical question, Henry.
Things don't go wrong.
Things can always go wrong.
Wow, Henry you just opened a worm hole straight into the chaos theory.
I can see how it might seem strange if you haven't been in the modern world for a while but it's nothing you can't overcome with a few hours of solid focus in the doom rooms.
Right, Jasper? Jasper! Jasper? Oh, okay you guys check out these computers.
They've got an original commodore, they've got V3 and they've even got a helio-dynamics pallett.
Wow, looks like a window with a handle.
But it is oh so much more.
Its hand crafted, its total next generation.
It's the fastest personal computer in the world and a total coup that the museum got Helio-Dynamics to lend them one like years before its release.
Why is there a type writer in here? That is Arthur Scherbius's personal enigma machine, the ultimate code writing devise of World War II.
Uh huh, and it's a predecessor to pretty much every computer password and firewall system today.
Huh Watch out! The museum's closing early for the security upgrade and if you trip a sensor the display you're by gets this laser cage.
Laser cage? The Dosmans got a demonstration, imagine being trapped in a red hot web of pain.
Isn't that a little over kill? No, that pallett alone is worth millions.
Someday I'll have one of my very own.
But first you have to do well on the test.
Come on, I promise it will be over before you know it.
Uh huh.
How much water fills an aquarium that's 20 centimeters high, 15 centimeters wide and 30 centimeters long? Um, hold on, hold on.
um ah that's 6000 cubic centimeters.
it depends on the type of fish and whether or not they are pasigorus or algae eaters.
Wait, did you just do that in your head? When you work with an abacus long enough, numbers just fall into place.
Except you're both wrong.
It's 9000 cubic centimeters even.
Well, my abacus was short a few discs.
Was? Pencils down anyway, its 6:30 better get out before the museum shuts down.
The test is three one hour sessions with seven minute bathroom breaks between each.
Okay, and what time does the train leave the station? There's no train, it's the schedule for the test.
I'm telling Jasper because he can be prone to frequent urination.
Hey! No except for that one incident which we should never speak of, I am the master of my bladder.
I'm just saying be prepared.
The whole thing is planned down to the minute no exceptions so you need to bring everything, photo ID, entry slip, prep books, pre-sharpened pencils.
Wait! I think I forgot my entry slip.
No, they won't let you in.
Current Musuem Occupancy: Zero.
Hey guys.
Hey Dad, what are you still doing here? Working till the staff meeting, what are you doing here? I'm supposed to keep the museum clear, you can get me in trouble and you guys would be too if they knew you were in there.
Well, we were studying for the PCAS.
Oh, well good.
If I don't see you later, get a good night's rest.
I'm rooting for all of you.
Thanks.
Hello, Dean Bartlett, yes all clear on this end.
Come on lets go.
Ha! Whoa, what is this? Someone's been down here.
When? We just left.
.
Does seem like a lot to set up in ten minutes.
It's really sophisticated too.
Yeah, look at the one ticking down, it kind of looks like a bomb.
Ha-ha, that's funny.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six You know if it is its kind of blowing up.
Five Like right now.
Four, three, two, one, zero.
Must have been something to do with that security upgrade.
Yeah, must be.
Decryption facilitator commencing! See, no problem sneaking back in for my ticket, we'll be out of here in no time.
We're not out of here yet.
And we have to sneak by my dad again.
Guys, wait up.
What did you forget something else? I smell something, electricity.
You can smell electricity? Yeah, and I've tasted it too.
Camping on top of Ariz Rock in the middle of a lightning storm can be quite an electrifying experice.
Why is the door green? Huh, I don't know go ask my dad.
Oh, Jasper are you okay? It shocked me! Because it's electrified.
What if all the doors in the museum are electrified because of the security upgrade? Then that means We're trapped.
All the doors are juiced.
Oh, the security upgrade is a downgrade that is going to seriously upset my pre-test preparations.
I'm sorry, I was nearly electrocuted and you're worried about the test? Pain comes and goes; a zero in the PCAS lasts forever! Okay, we need to find a way out but when we find the exit, you try the door.
Maybe we won't have to.
Just keep an eye on the CPU usage.
That's her job.
I know its Belinda's job but now it's your job too.
Okay? Tram? Tram Van Horne? It's me Jasper Bartlett your sixth grade little buddy from technologists for tomorrow? What? Junior computer club! Jasper? Hey.
Hey.
We are so relieved to see you, we got locked in.
Are you the one doing the security upgrade? Yeah, yeah, we're just running perimeter tests.
I thought the museum was going to be empty, is this your whole group? Oh, yeah, this is Henry Griffin, Maggie Winnik, Tram Van Horne.
Tram's actually the one who got me turned onto Graphicon.
Hey we're checking it out on Sunday.
Ah, or we might go rock climbing.
Well, whatever you end up doing, ah is anybody waiting on you? Oh, only the PCAS test tomorrow.
The PCAS, man just thinking about that non-word gives me hives.
Right? Come on lets go.
Hey is that a customized deck? Yep, the gopher, just a little gig I cooked up to test for cross redundancies in the data wiring.
Is that what the rest of this gear is for? That and we're running parallel power surges for the upgrade so we need backups for everything, decks, cables, batteries everything, even generators.
You can never be too prepared, right? Right.
Is that why you also turned off the air conditioning system in here? Yep.
The last thing you want to do is over tax the system.
Right.
Except the air conditioning is still on and you're sweating.
Like you're nervous about something.
Is that a gun? What are you doing? You should have walked! Henry! Come on! Get Him! Nobody saw us! This is why I love computers, because unlike you computers don't have adrenaline.
Because adrenaline turns perfectly good minds to mush.
This is what we planned.
Why we practiced.
To save us and not from pimply, panicked stricken dweebs, but from ourselves.
Because only we can screw this up.
Aah.
Are you good? Well not enough to take on those guys but it's okay I wasn't followed.
Wait, guys? You mean there's more of them? Four that I saw, and they're armed.
Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is probably not a security upgrade.
Must be a robbery.
And we interrupted it, Well, what do they want? The same thing you did, that pallet is worth millions! I don't understand, I mean why would Tram do this? He was like the coolest senior ever! He was a doom room intern, he had an MIT scholarship, he was probably the only geek in techs that actually got a date to the prom.
Ah, well he's clearly good at what he does, I have no internet or bars.
He must be jamming the signal.
We've gotta get help.
We gotta get out of here.
And preferably without getting electrocuted, caught or shot.
Trust me, by the time those three stop running we'll be long gone.
Now my genius hacker, keeps on hacking, my brilliant systems manager continues with the setup and Greg somehow I can't think of the right adjective for you.
How bout demonic.
A dark museum can be a scary place for people let's make sure it is.
Three students are hiding from four armed criminals.
They search five exhibit halls but find no usable doors.
There's one question you really don't want to get wrong What about uncle Brian? You're right, he's still in his office.
Yeah, on the other side of an electrified door and he's only there for another 15 minutes and then he goes to that weekly staff dinner.
Then we got to go right now! No! Look! Hey! You said it yourself okay? Tram's guys have weapons we just need to stay here and figure out something else.
Like what? Something that doesn't involve being target practice! I thought you graphic novel types were the creative ones! Yeah, that's me Jasper and his purple crayon.
Why don't I just draw us a doorknob and we can walk out of here.
Or we can just go back to that Greek exhibit and stay in the archway holed up until something comes to us.
That could take forever! Jasper sometimes you just have to go for it! Well what if we get caught! What if we get stuck in here? The body cannot survive on museum food.
Hey, if there's a way to stop these creeps, we should do it.
Maggie and I will sneak down to the café and signal uncle B.
You stand watch at the top of the stairs and If you hear anything do this: AOOOOOAH, AOOOOAH! Shhhh! It's the cry of the Malaysian Loon.
I've used it before, it's easy to hear and impossible to locate.
Fine.
All I'm saying is guys with that level of gear kung fu and bird calls aren't going to work.
Hey Belinda, where are those batteries? Extra batteries incoming.
Not like we need em.
Uncle Brian! Dean Bartlett! I thought you graphic novel types are the creative ones.
Urgh.
How's this for creative? Okay, alright, okay, okay, come on, come on! No no no no no no, come on, no! No! Uncle B, hey, hey! Come on! Uncle B! Dean Bartlett! Uncle B! Dean Bartlett! Need a hand? No! Arrgh.
AOOOOOAAAAHHHH! AOOOOOAAAAHHHH!! Wait! No! AOOOOAAAH!! Jasper! Jasper's shoe.
They've got him.
Being in places you shouldn't be can get you in a lot of trouble.
I can say the same for you Tram.
What are you guys trying to pull? None of your business.
So, Jasper Quarklett.
Where'd your friends go? What? Does that mean you didn't get them? Where are they hiding? How would I know? Don't lie to me! You practically grew up in this museum.
I'm not lying.
I don't know.
They wanted to find a way out.
I wanted to play it safe.
Well that's a life lesson there.
When you play it safe Yeah thanks.
Really, my soul crushing sense of irony is already tormenting me just fine.
Well your mouth is as smart as ever anyway.
Oh and calling me Quarklett? Yeah, that's hardly an insult.
Quarks are invaluable to the existence of matter.
Yeah, except I meant like cork cheese.
Stinking, sour, sticky cheese.
Gross.
Can I have some water? No.
Got any gum? No.
Can I have something to eat? Cuz I didn't realize how hungry I was until you starting talking about that cheese and I You're going to eat this if you don't shut your mouth.
There.
You can see Jasper's shoe scuff marks from where they were pulling him Hey - we'll get him back.
How? Well, with a perfect three point plan.
That's not a three point plan! That's not even a one point plan! AAH! Sorry, I get nervous when I don't have a plan, and when I don't have a plan I can periodically get nervous, for example I might get nervous when someone I care about is being held hostage and WE DON"T HAVE A REAL PLAN! Alright.
I get it.
We'll do it your way.
You swear by the scientific method right? So tell me how it works.
Okay, first up.
We ask a fundamental question.
Alright.
Where is Jasper? Next step, do research.
Research.
Yes.
To construct a hypothesis which we then test.
Okay.
Well what exactly do we do, I mean physically? We publish our results and share them with the scientific community.
Let's just follow the trail.
Sounds good.
Great.
Okay, I don't see anymore scuff marks.
That's where the trail ends.
Let me go to five.
Abrahm.
Why are you calling me on this channel? Find of those kids? No, sign of the DC mall rats yet.
You're not even looking! You're with him! What? You can't mean that psycho Greg? A smile is as cheap as that gear head Tram, think of you and me in Fiji with all the money we'll have from this job Like I'd ever go to Fiji with you.
Okay, what's the plan? We find Jasper, see what they're doing with him and what's the best way to get him out.
What happened to the trail? The track marks vanished so I'm working with all I have.
Manly man deodorant, potato chips, and fear.
Can I go to the bathroom? Sure.
Okay.
When? When what? When can I go to the bathroom? Anytime you want.
Well I kinda gotta go right now.
Well, who's stopping you? You guys do realize I'm tied to a chair right? You wanna go to the bathroom? Yeah, I do.
So who's stopping you? You people are evil! Those punks could be anywhere? You think I should take a look around? And check on Belinda? What's that supposed to mean? It means I want everybody focusing on their jobs, you stay with Corklett.
I'll handle the walk around.
So Tram, you're hacking the security system to get at that pallet huh? And when the percentage on the screen gets to a hundred you're going to what? Gonna grab it and walk out? My little buddy, what a brain.
Any cool apps? Nope.
Ring tones? Funny as ever.
You do see the pickle you're in though, right? Which pickle is that? Well, if you do get the pallet, you can't use it and you can't sell it.
Why is that? Because if you activate its wireless they'll trace the signal back to you.
And if you do actually manage to hack it, well I mean why have a pallet if you're going to gut its OS? One more word.
AAAAHHHH!! They're out there! Get them! Go for it.
Greg what are you doing? Go! Go! Go! This way! I've got trouble at the warehouse, get over here! Grab the other bag.
What? They got the bags.
So, now do I get to go to the bathroom? I slipped, and they saw us and now Jasper's probably being tortured because I slipped.
Hey, calm down, it'll be okay.
No I warned you I grow two left feet and arms under pressure.
Wait, is that why you traded astronaut for astrophysicist? Coordination under pressure is kind of a prerequisite if you want to wear a spacesuit.
So, you can learn that.
All you have to do is relax and you can be anything you want.
Says the boy who can leap walls and smell electricity.
A lot of good that's done here.
Jasper's right.
Kung Fu and bird calls don't work on guys like this.
Never thought I'd see Henry Griffin doubt himself.
You've seen me trying to study for the PCAS You said you had that test in the bag.
I didn't.
So I guess I'll be failing everything and everyone this weekend.
I promise to relax if you promise not to give up.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe the answer to this test is in the bag.
Batteries.
Electric and computer cables.
Pamphlets, water, Chewmungoid Chocolate bars? Oh good, at least we have options other than museum food.
Yeah, high school food.
Is that a car? Uncle Brian's car.
Ohhh.
Heading out to the weekly staff dinner.
So much for options of getting out.
Why would these guys even have all this stuff? To make it seem like they're not computer thieves? They're trying to look normal? What? As a [inaudible.]
I see these pamphlets everyday but there's something off with this one.
It's the border see? It's a line of letters but they don't spell anything.
Four computer thieves, one random pamphlet and dozens of letters, what's the solution? We get one of those guys to tell us.
That's it.
That's exactly what we're gonna do.
Sure they've got the tech but tech doesn't do you any good unless you have someone to use it.
We can figure this out, they took one of us, we're gonna do it by taking one of them.
Abrahm, what's going on? Do you have a twenty on those kids yet? No, I've got no sign of the guy or the girl, give me 5 minutes.
I'm going 10-100.
It's code, bathroom break.
Then he's the one we'll flush out.
How? He's just sleeping right? Uh huh.
It was all by the Enigma? All that stuff that was by the pallet had been moved over there.
It's another problem to solve.
Or is it? This and the Enigma.
Why? Put him to sleep again.
Okay, okay I'll tell you just don't do that thing with my neck again.
It's the key.
The key to what? Everything.
If this is the key to everything then why would you need Arthur Scherbius' Enig-, wait a minute.
Scherbius' Enigma.
You mean key as in the Scherbius skeleton key.
What's a Scherbius skeleton key? This World War 2 legend my dad used to tell me about.
After Arthur Scherbius created the Enigma he started working on the ultimate code breaker.
A skeleton key.
Tech lore says it's like a universal password that lets you get into any computer system, anywhere.
And that's this? What is this? That's the original key.
Obviously my boss didn't trust us so he figured he'd hide the original in plain sight.
Some boss.
Wait, if you have the key then why do you need the Enigma? Scherbius composed the key using his personal Enigma coding machine.
So even if you have the key you still need his Enigma to read it.
Once you have that.
You have access to every computer on the globe.
Bank accounts? Bank accounts.
Air traffic patterns, launch codes.
Tram found the only copy of the key in the MIT archives.
He's been waiting for the Scherbius Enigma to come to this museum ever since.
Look likes his wait ends here.
Henry Griffin? Henry pick up Abraham's radio, I know you have it.
You listen up, I'm gonna give you one chance to surrender, let Jasper go and turn off all of those computers.
You will not get the codes from the Enigma machine.
Give up or regret it.
Do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? You uh have to push the button to talk.
Henry.
Mr.
Crossbow.
You took my best hacker before he finished his job.
Well you took my best cousin.
And you have no idea how badly I want to give him back.
It sounds like Jasper's been Jasper-ing them into submission.
So why not let him go? Because I need him.
For what? From what I saw he was just sitting there trying not to take a leak.
I need him because if you and your friend don't turn yourselves over to me in the next 5 minutes I'm going to taze Jasper in a very vulnerable place.
That could be pretty much anywhere.
First I have a question and it should be no problem for a genius like you.
Four losers sneak into a museum with 12 bags, Scherbius skeleton key.
How bummed would they be if I ripped it up? I don't know what you mean.
Then I guess you won't mind me feeding this pamphlet right here to Abrahm.
Piece by piece.
Hang on.
Okay? Let's make a trade.
Jasper for the pamphlet.
Come on.
You don't know what to do with that paper and I don't want to hang onto your annoying cousin.
So, what do you say? Say yes and we can make a deal.
You can meet me by the school entrance.
You give us the code, we let you out.
Or if you want some other place.
Henry? Henry what do you think? He thinks it sounds great.
Decryption facilitator, 100% complete.
We did it! See, you put the coded key in the Enigma and it spits out the real one.
Guilty as charged.
What are you going to do with it? Anything I want, I've been planning this for a long time.
And what about us? You'll stay here.
By the time anyone finds you I'll have all I need.
I still don't get it.
Seriously Jasper? Think total economic control.
No, I don't get how someone who used to be my big buddy could turn into you.
You were cool.
Tram you introduced me to graphicon.
Sometimes life takes you where you never thought you'd go.
Get him into position.
Oh come on Tram! Please, we've got the PCAS tomorrow and I still really have to go to the bathroom.
Don't worry if they reactivate the system they'll trap themselves too.
Not if we select just one display.
Get the gear and go, we're out in ten.
Oh! Okay.
The pen maybe mightier than the sword but clearly not the laser.
We need to turn this off.
We could, if we could override the museums main computer system.
Which means we can.
Look you guys solved the pamphlet with the code in it, Maggie's got a photographic memory all we need to is put the code into the Enigma machine generate a skeleton key that'll give access to the entire museum.
We can shut down anything we want.
Still somebody has to get to a computer.
The pallet is the computer.
I'm thinking the person with the best chance of getting to it right now is you.
How? I have an idea.
Actually it's more of a plan.
Take the key and give me two pieces of mirror.
We'll use the mirror to create an opening in the lasers.
Like this.
It's working! That's as wide as we can get it.
Henry, can you jump through that? Sorry.
Relax and centre yourself.
You can do this.
Okay.
I knew you wouldn't give up.
Okay.
Good Now hit the button on the side of the pallet.
Okay.
Now enter in the key.
Okay Good.
Now hit backslash, security backslash.
We should be out of here.
Yes! We did it! Not yet.
Fiji here we come.
Sorry, plans have changed.
AAAOOOOOHHHH I think that was a Malaysian Loon.
AAAOOOOOHHHH What? So I'm in a bird watcher club.
AAAOOOOOHHHHH AAAOOOO- Get him! Now! What's this? Surprise, big buddy.
Well you three were extremely lucky.
I don't think we needed luck Dean Bartlett.
All we really needed was a plan.
Well you guys can plan on graphicon and rock climbing this weekend.
After what you've been through maybe the PCAS prep test can wait.
Dad you are just the most caring empathetic generous guy.
Oh forget it, after the test we just survived the PCAS is in the bag, at least for me.
Ah huh.
Okay, you want it.
Fine.
It's on.
Tram Van Horne, another DC high school genius gone bad.
Must be something in the water.
Speaking of water, Jasper, how is the bladder master doing?