Wilfred s01e10 Episode Script

Hey.
How was your trip? What trip? Uh, well, your curtains have been drawn.
I haven't seen you forthree days.
I just assumed.
Oh, no.
I've been here.
Just took a little stay-cation.
Well, you look rested.
Hey, I need to borrow your chairs.
For the planning meeting? In an hour.
Sure.
So you are coming.
Unh! I told them you would.
Who told who? Our neighbors think you're a little distant, but I told them what a great guy you are.
Bring your chairs to the meeting.
Wait.
What are we planning? Ha! Good one.
Oh, hey, mate.
What's up? What are you doing? It was a simple plan.
I boost Bear through the window and Bear unlocks the doorfor me but someone turned out to be a stupid-ass.
Oh, really.
You twisted your ankle when you landed.
Bullshit.
Get up.
Fine.
Stay there then.
Whoops.
Well, move.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, mate.
Haven't seen you in a while.
I just wanted some me time.
Clear my head.
Okay.
Uh What are they planning? At the meeting.
You're joking.
How could you forget? Heh.
You smoked all this? Oh, shit.
I'm a bit of a lone wolf.
It's part of my charm, but first and foremost I'm a pack animal, and so are you.
I keep to myself.
I'm not bothering anyone.
What do you care? I'm just curious as to why.
Why now? Why are you shutting me out? This isn't about you.
Hiya, Wilfred.
See you at the meeting, Gene.
How do you know that guy? Green Gene the Gardening Machine? Recently got a new hip.
Everyone knows Gene.
How do you not know Gene? So, what, I'm supposed to be friends with everybody? All right, Ryan, I'm gonna be straight.
This isolating is becoming a problem.
People are starting to think you're weird.
"It puts the lotion in the basket" weird.
I thought you said it didn't matter what people think.
About you? No.
About me? Yes.
I'm the only friend you've got.
If people think you're strange, how do you think that makes me look? Damn rain.
Wilfred, stop.
Relax, Ryan.
It's Trashface.
I'm not being disrespectful.
I'm marking him as part of our community.
I'm also washing the schmutz off his face.
See? This neighborhood is like a pack.
A pack survives because everybody looks out for each other.
We protect our own.
But there is one that dwells within our midst that is unworthy of that fellowship an evil parasitic maggot.
A creature so vile diarrhea holds its nose when he walks by.
Hey, man.
Hi.
Hey, Wilfred.
Him? He's a warlock, Ryan.
Don't fall for his diabolical sorcery.
Come here, boy.
You wanna play ball? You wanna do this, huh? Okay.
Throw the damn ball already.
Let's do this.
Let's get this over with.
What's going on? I don't think Wilfred likes this game.
Looking for this? Aah! It doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't make Andy? Did you do your homework yet? Bye, Wilfred.
Suck my dick! Hey, I like your strategy, mate.
Turn up an hour late.
Makes us seem more important.
Oh, I'm not going to the meeting.
Good idea.
Save the magic until tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Oh, the annual block party.
That's what they're planning at the meeting.
Yeah, there's gonna be two kegs.
I'm not going.
Not this year.
But Jenna's put a lot of work into this.
She even took me to the groomer.
Thanks for noticing, by the way.
Sorry.
I'm gonna pass.
Dude, come on.
What's wrong with a beer and some small talk with the assholes down the street? And what am I supposed to small talk about? In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a lot of good news these days.
Look around, Ryan.
Do you know where you are? Basement? Rock bottom.
Go upstairs before it's too late.
You're playing with fire.
What do you mean? Turn your back on the pack, and the pack will turn on you.
Any dog will tell you that.
Hi, I'm Suzy.
I don't believe we've met.
Ryan.
I live in the corner house.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Doug? Doug, Doug, Doug, come here.
This is Ryan.
From the corner house.
Well, hey, stranger.
We've lived here, what, 10 years? Eleven.
Holy cow, 11 years.
We know everybody, and we don't know you.
But I've gotta admit we've been curious.
Well, Susan's been curious.
Oh, stop it.
You have.
Oh, well.
Ha, ha.
Well, I understand why you feel that way but I've made a real commitment to get out there and meet new people.
Aww.
Wine? Oh, thank you.
Nice.
Wow, this is good wine.
Uh, it was Fatty Arbuckle's favorite.
Fatty Arbuckle.
Ha-ha-ha.
You're all right, Ryan.
I don't get it.
I'll show you later.
Okay.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Charlie, Donna, come here.
This is Ryan.
He lives in the corner house.
Charlie's in real estate.
What about you? I was a lawyer.
Oh, what happened? Oh you know, I just, uh What do you say we open that wine? Answerthe question, Ryan.
Well, you know, I just, um I had some, uh Oh, my God.
Nervous breakdown.
Is it hot in here? Are you okay? Well, now we know.
Hey, Jenna.
Hey.
What's going on? Someone broke into a bunch of cars.
They smashed the windows and stole a purse, a watch, Mr.
Patel's laptop.
That's awful.
Here's the thing.
Some of the neighbors kind of think it was you.
What? I say we string up the weirdo and lash him until he tells us what he knows.
Who's with me? You weren't at the meeting.
Your car was the only one that wasn't broken into.
I mean I don't think you did it.
You didn't do it, did you? What? No.
I didn't do it.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Bull Hey.
Why am I the only one with a torch? I can't believe this.
Now they're throwing eggs at me.
Why would people assume that I'm the thief? Really? You're still not getting this? You're the twitchy Ioner, the pasty neighborhood creep.
That's not me talking.
That's Mrs.
Patel.
Is it possible I don't remember? You can't even remember a damn block party.
You got baked and blacked out then cut your hand on a broken car window whilst committing burglaries, allegedly.
Need to start saying that.
I would never Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.
Our mind.
Did I? Heh.
What? What's so funny? Nothing.
This is very serious, Ryan.
Wait a second.
You did this.
You framed me for breaking into all those cars.
Oh, what? That's crazy.
And you drew a penis on my hand? Gotcha.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, you should see yourface right now, Ryan.
Is this a joke? Why the hell would you do this? Well, for starters, it's funny, thus the laughter coming out of me.
Now you have to go to that party.
Are you? Are you insane? I can't leave my house.
Don't you see? If you don't go, then they'll be even more suspicious.
Next time it won't be eggs on your window.
It'll be Mrs.
Patel's feces.
And that's not me talking.
That's still Mrs.
Patel.
Hey.
Where can I put this? Joey, will you go get Mommy another diet soda? You can put your baked goods up your anus.
Ryan, hey, you made it.
Go home, you thieving, white peckerwood.
Everyone is really glad you came.
This is pointless.
You can do this, Ryan.
You just have to put in a bit of effort here.
Follow my lead.
Hey, Gene.
Digging the lime-green Crocs, mate.
Wilfred.
Who's a good boy? I'm a good boy, obviously.
You, on the other hand, hot dogs and potato salad? How many Weight Watchers points is that? Ha-ha-ha.
Uh, Geno, have you met my good friend Ryan? Uh Hey, there.
I'm Ryan.
Gene.
I heard you got your hip replaced.
How's it feeling? Oh, not great, but it's getting there.
Thanks for asking.
I'm sure you'll make it through.
I mean you are Green Gene the Gardening Machine.
What the hell did you just call me? Jesus, Ryan.
What happened? I thought everyone calls him that.
Not to his face.
He sliced his thumb open in a gardening accident and it got gangrene.
He almost died.
I can't do this.
Ryan, trust me.
It's only a matter of Hey, Wilfred.
As I was saying, it's only a matter of Wilfred.
Want some food, Wilfred? Food, huh? Um Uh, I suppose I would want some food, yeah.
Why? What have you got? Agh! That is not food.
It's a balled up napkin.
But I thought it was But how did he? Wow, this is so embarrassing.
I thought you'd still be at the party.
It wasn't really my scene.
Why am I not surprised? Textbook Ioner behavior.
Frozen TV dinners.
Many, many of these crusted tissues.
Agh.
And this.
Only two calls last month.
That's really sad, Ryan.
You know my name? I know your social security number.
You really need a shredder.
You know what? Go ahead.
Steal my identity.
Have fun being me.
You remind me of myself when I was a young man.
Encouraging.
I came over here in 1977.
I didn't speak the language back then so Difficult to make any friends so eventually I stopped trying.
The Ioneliness overtook me.
Depression.
I ruined my life.
When I die, it'll be like I was never here.
I'll be forgotten.
Got a bit heavy there, eh? Ha-ha-ha.
So this is my future.
It doesn't have to be.
Ryan, you need to reach out.
Make a connection with yourfellow human beings.
In fact, you can start with me right now by letting me pull on your junk for 20 bucks.
I need some heroin, man.
Ryan, there you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Bob and Shirley Reinhart are about to karaoke the tits off"Summer Lovin'.
" See you around, Trashface.
What did you just call me? Jesus, Ryan.
You asshole.
He had horrible adult acne two years ago.
People used to joke that God had trashed his face.
Where are you going? I know you've been trying to help me connect with the pack but you've only made it worse.
Everybody hates me, and there's no way to change it.
Don't underestimate me, Ryan.
What's going on? You won't believe this.
Cops found everybody's stolen stuff in Andy's playhouse.
What? Yeah, they received an anonymous tip.
I feel bad about Andy.
He seemed like such a nice kid.
So long, Andy.
Let's see your black magic save you from getting gang-stomped in juvie.
My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly.
I will not sleep well tonight.
But tomorrow, during the day, I'll take a long nap.
Welcome to the community, mate.
Hey, Ryan.
Hey, Maggie.
I just left some pumpkin cookies at your house.
You did? I'm really sorry about that anus comment.
Dinner next week? I'm not taking no for an answer.
Okay, sure.
Bye.
Okay.
Fine.
It's nice to finally be a part of the community but how can I enjoy it when it's all at the expense of an innocent kid? It's not a kid, Ryan.
It just takes the form of a kid.
You know, you talk a lot about the pack but isn't Andy a member of the pack? I thought community was about looking out for each other.
The pack protects its own? You're right.
You know what you should do? March on overto Mrs.
Stevenson's house and tell herthe truth.
Your neighbor's dog masterminded multiple break-ins and planted evidence on her child.
I'll take the blame.
Don't be stupid.
You'll go to jail.
I understand why you're angry, but there's nothing more I can do.
I can barely afford Andy's lawyer.
Your son owes me a new laptop, snowflake.
Mr.
Patel, stop.
It isn't herfault.
There's something you need to know.
I was Aah! Aah! I was looking for Wilfred and I found him lying here.
He's dead.
Who is he? I've seen him, but I don't know his name.
Look at this.
Laptop.
Laptop.
Wilfred.
That's my laptop.
Hmm.
Mr.
Patel's stolen laptop, I wonder if that means Maybe this homeless guy was the thief.
I don't know.
I'll bet that sick bastard was stashing the stolen goods in little Andy's playhouse.
Sick.
Couldn't have said it better myself, Gene.
So Andy didn't do it.
It was Wait, hold on, I think we're all jumping to conclusions.
The truth is Ryan.
What am I gonna do if you go to jail? You're the most important member of my pack.
The pack protects its own.
Uh, I guess there's no other explanation.
The bum did it.
Thank God.
Wilfred? Please tell me you didn't kill Trashface.
Of course not, Ryan.
I just left 20 bucks in his change cup, but his cardboard sign was very clear.
That money was forfood, not drugs.
Besides, he got what he wanted.
To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff? Exactly.
To be remembered.
Trashface? I didn't know you that well.
You were homeless, and I'm just gonna come out and say it.
You were kind of a prostitute.
You taught me a valuable lesson.
It's important to have other people in your life.
Don't worry, Ryan.
Trashface is probably smiling down at us from heaven right now.
Hell, I bet he just found a fresh vein in one of his angel wings.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? He was part of my community, Ryan.
I'm paying my respects.
Rest in peace, Trashface.
Rest in peace.
No, thanks.
I think I need to take a break for a while.
You mean like not getting high? I just want to clear my head.
For real.
Suit yourself.
Narc.
By the way, I'm glad you patched things up with Andy.
That was big of you.
Yeah, well, I guess he is part of the pack.
And honestly? Andy's not so bad.
I think I figured out his trick.
Check it out.
This is gonna blow your mind.
And the ball is still in my How the hell does he do that? Well, I should go shower.
I gotta get ready for Maggie's dinner party.
Do it.
Jesus, Bear.
Ryan doesn't know we call him that.
Not to his face.
Idiot.
Bear