Worst Week s01e10 Episode Script
The Wedding
I'm not gonna be able to rent this place if you going to the bathroom in there.
Well, I was just peeing.
And eating.
- You were eating while peeing.
- Well It's my mom's scones.
I can't stop eating them.
They're so good.
Wouldn't it be awesome if, there was a fireman's pole that went down to our place.
I'm gonna talk to the new tenants about that.
How'd you let manny rope you into showing this place anyway? Isn't that his job as apartment manager? If we rent the place, he's gonna give us a month's rent free.
That's gonna come in very Handy.
Because I'm getting laid off today.
You're not gonna get laid off.
I just want you to know that this is very serous.
This new boss, everyone talkin'about her.
She's a hatchet lady.
That's the term they're using.
Hatchet.
But Sam, you're gonna be fine.
You're right.
I know.
I'm not trying to scare you, honey.
Who cares anyway, all right? We're young, we're in love, we're having a baby.
We're havin'a baby.
You're having a baby.
I gotta rent this apartment.
It's hot in here.
Let's get some air flowin'.
What else.
Think, think, think.
What would make you rent this place? Nothing.
I don't want to live above those two newlyweds who have such noisy sex all the time.
They are loud, aren't they? - Especially her.
- Hey, I am not.
What? I am very flattered.
It is me, right? It's not something genetic that runs in the family? Okay, I don't want to.
I can't imagine that.
Well, your mom, oh, god, I bet she's very frisky.
Especially in the kitchen.
Your scone is ready.
Come get your scone, Dick! - Stop it.
- Five minutes to scone.
Take my scone and slather your judgerly jam on it.
I got the note.
Good.
-= 110 =- " The Apartment " Sub VO : ¤Aka & YaYa¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
Well, that is the last of the wedding presents that were left at the house.
Cool.
Someone gave us a ninja throwing star.
No, honey.
That's That's a cuisinart blade.
Guys, thank you very much for this trek and bringin'all this stuff.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
Two hours in traffic with a carload of cookware.
- I can cross that off my bucket list.
- No, it wasn't.
It wasn't.
Although that drive's gonna feel a lot longer once the baby comes and we're making it every day.
Every day? But you know, maybe we don't have - to make that every day.
- No, definitely not.
No, you know, if we took the place upstairs.
What? I was just thinking how cute that space is.
And I've always wanted to live in the city and pretend I was poor.
Dick, come on.
Make it a little.
A little crash pad.
We can go whenever we wanted.
Wouldn't it be Bohemian? Could be nice.
Yeah.
See? And we could be a big help to you kids.
That's a very sweet offer, but really unnecessary.
- Yeah.
We'll be fine.
- How? Come on.
You know that I'm proud as punch that you took the working girl route.
I love to think about you going to work in your skirt suit and your shoulder pads, impressing Harrison Ford.
Mom, I am a vet.
The point I'm making, honey, is that when that baby's crying, and there is no clean Laundry, and you've got to put dinner on the table, you're not gonna be able to spay and neuter your way out of that mess.
- You're gonna need your mother.
- We're gonna be fine.
I know how to cook and how to clean.
In fact, I was going to cook dinner tonight.
I'm gonna use these.
Well, we're gonna be around running errands and things.
So why don't we just join you for dinner? - What? - Yeah.
You can just double the recipe.
Sure.
Of course I can.
I can double it.
I could triple it.
I could quadruple it 'cause it's just math.
- Dinner party.
- Fun.
- Cool.
- Yeah, can I talk to you? We might want to use that, see where that would go.
- Okay, they wouldn't.
- Move in? They would.
But it doesn't matter - Cook dinner? No way, honey.
You cook bad and they're really gonna think they need to move in.
No, I can cook.
I just don't because i'm working all the time.
But I'll cook something simple, and then she see that we don't need their help.
Okay.
But as a double safe, super backup plan, i'm gonna rent that apartment up there before they get back.
- How many appointments do you have? - None.
Yeah i'm gonna make some fliers.
Melanie, dust is the devil's snow.
Make a lot of fliers.
I'm just saying, new boss, first day, nobody's safe.
I heard she Gutted Atlanta magazine.
She's gonna do the same thing here.
We don't know that for sure.
Let's just.
She's probably gonna fire me first.
She'd be stupid not to.
I'm too Skinny.
My ideas are weird.
I'm a dead man walking.
- Hey, guys.
You wanna grab some lunch? - We actually just ate.
Yeah.
Me too.
Not even really hungry.
Do you think's gonna get canned today? Not this guy.
When things are tough, you never cut ad sales personnel.
Especially not guys who consistently crush it.
Snap.
I am blowin'up here.
I gotta get this.
Later.
Hey, you.
Completely uneaten.
Leftover lasagna and a juice box.
I'm gonna put this on his desk.
All right.
I need to see Sam Briggs.
Thank god! You'll be fine, man.
We'll talk in your office.
This won't take long.
Ms.
Hauser before you start, i'd love - I'm gonna stop you.
- Sure.
First of all, if youever call mems.
Hauser again, I will fire you.
And second, i'm not gonna fire you.
All right.
Had me goin'.
Thank you very much.
I mean, not that I was expecting to be, but it's always good to hear "not fired" in the anyway, thank you miss.
- What would you like to be called? - Julie.
Or jules.
Or jujube.
Any kind of cute nickname as long as it doesn't sound sexual.
- Sure.
- Although it can, and maybe should, soundsexy.
I'll.
I'll get workin'on that.
- Have a seat.
- Great.
I've heard a lot of great things about you.
Which is why you're getting a promotion.
A promotion? That's I'll, thank you.
That's.
That's great Ju manji.
Yeah.
Keep at it.
Anyway, so of course it comes with a salary bump, and a couple of new responsibilities.
- Well, hit me.
- I need you to fire Rob.
- What? - I want him out today.
About Rob, I just want to ma Thank you so much for handling that for me.
We always have lasagna, mom.
God! Later, porn star! - Hey, Sammy.
- Hey, man So what's up? I saw you talkin'to the new boss.
Tell me she didn't fire you.
But thanks for your concern.
She actually Kinda gave me a promotion.
That's awesome.
We should go celebrate.
That's not quite what I came over here to tell you.
Tell me tonight over virgin pina coladas.
My treat.
Let us do that.
Yeah! All right.
Good.
I'll pick you up at, 10:00.
- Perfect.
- All right, cool.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
We just got here.
It was impossible to park.
See, if we lived here, we could walk everywhere.
I love to walk.
Really? Kinda boring to me.
Walking.
Never got it.
- Smells great in here.
- Mel's makin'a pumpkin pie.
Really? Interesting.
Excited.
How was work? Mel said you were gonna be fired.
- I ran out of small talk.
- That's all right.
Did not get fired.
Awesome.
And I.
Matter of fact, I got a promotion from the new boss.
Yeah.
So pay bump, new title, the whole That's great, honey.
Okay.
Bye.
Bummer, though.
I, you know, I had to fire someone today.
Really.
- How'd that go? - You know, you gotta do what do in those situations, you know? They put you in that position to do that sort of thing, you gotta do it, so you do it.
I didn't do it.
I'm gonna do it tonight.
This is going to be good for you.
You need to start being more firm and direct.
Okay, they don't need any advice.
They don't need our help at all.
Sam has his own way of dealing with people.
And Mel, apparently she's become quite the homemaker.
I'm sorry, what is.
What is sticking into me here? Oh, my god.
That is an ear of corn that we got last month at a street fair.
Excuse me.
I will be right back.
Think your mom might be backing off.
Honey.
What the hell happened? I burned Everything.
I can't cook.
No.
I can't cook.
Why did I say that I could cook? That's it.
She's movin'in.
- Storm's a-comin'.
- You know what, I.
I'm gonna get some takeout food, and we're gonna put it on some fancy plates, - we're gonna tell her that you made it.
- That's not gonna work.
My mom can taste a cookie and know if the flower has been sifted.
Why didn't anyone call about the apartment? Someone did.
They left a message and they said they might be here at 9:30.
All right, I'll call them back and hard-sell.
Did they leave a number? But someone might've spilled olive oil all over the machine.
You know, maybe it would be a good idea if my parents moved in upstairs.
You know, I mean, it's a little tempting.
A lot of things are tempting, honey.
All right? Heroin is tempting.
Gym memberships are tempting.
God, I wasted money on that gym membership.
- I never go.
- You're right.
All right, just clean up.
Clean up.
Buy me some time.
I'm gonna go get the food.
We're gonna have a tenant in here by 9:45.
Okay.
Is everything okay? I can't tell you how good it looks in there.
I'm gonna grab some wine and.
- I'm come too.
- No, no.
Don't, don't.
Do or do.
I mean, that's what I meant.
- I know what you're doing.
- What's up? - We're getting dinner.
Mel can't cook.
- What are you talkin'about? - She's a whiz in the kitchen.
- Skip it, Sam.
We have got to get a home cooked meal on that table fast, otherwise i'm facing a life sentence of three day weekends in that grimy little tenement.
- You don't want the apartment.
- I like my house.
It's big.
It's beautiful.
It's got rooms I've never even been in.
All right, well, great.
Can you tell Angela that? Well, I can't tell an Well, I You know, I Is this, is this an antique? I get it.
Okay.
It's interesting.
I thought you were the one talkin'about being firm and direct.
It's just that when A ngela looks at me with those big eyes - Dick, you're Kinda like me.
- Don't ever say that again.
Where are we gonna get a home-cooked meal? We have a plan.
Fancy plates.
Takeout.
You don't think that Angela's gonna see right through that? It'll buy us some time.
A guy's coming up to look at the apartment in one hour.
I left the apartment a little messy.
All right, look, i'll get the food.
You take care of that.
I'll meet you back here in 20min.
All right.
Good plan, dicholas.
That's a one-time deal.
Hey, little buddy.
I know it's cold out there, but, I'm gonna have to go ahead and shoo ya.
Hey, hold up, buddy.
Where'd you go now? W there you are.
All right.
No.
Okay.
Hey, I'm your friend.
Chirpa chirpa chirpa chirpa.
Okay, little buddy.
Okay, join your friends.
Got the food.
How's the apartment? Overrun with pigeons.
- How on earth did y - Wrong time for the blame game, Dick.
That's not gonna help.
We now have a one bed, one bath birdhouse that no one's gonna want to rent.
What are we gonna do? Call Phil.
The guy I bought my birds from.
He'll know what to do.
I just want to be near enough so I can bring you nice soup and babysit all the time.
Now and when you go back to work, I can bundle the baby in the stroller, and we can come visit you at your veterinary practice.
You can nurse her, and teach her all about the cute little animals.
And then I'll whisk her out right before you euthanize them.
Yeah, that actually sounds Kinda nice.
I mean, not the euthanasia, but all the stuff that came before.
All right, let me break this down for you.
You got 14 band-tailed pigeons.
You got your various homing, city, and county.
You got your blue bars and one sparrow.
Now, generally, pigeons don't associate with sparrows.
So this must be one cool sparrow.
Just, like, little scrappy.
Man, we don't need all that.
Just, can you please help us out? Sorry.
I prefer to think of myself as helping them, except they can't write the checks.
Sorry, Phil.
No.
For you, it is an honor, your honor.
Now beat it.
Scram.
All right.
I am Phil, birdman of manassas.
Hello, pigeons of DC! - Here's the wine.
- Nice.
I missed you.
Bedroom hands in the living room? What's gotten into you, mister? Honey, this looks incredible.
- How'd you do it? - Damn! There's where i.
Just give me the food.
Don't open any cabinets.
This looks great, babe.
I will tell you later.
What the hell, man? There was crashing and booming and.
That's the last of them, bro.
Man.
Sorry about all the yelling.
It's just that one of the pigeons was deaf.
God, whatever you gotta do to get it done.
There were 100 pigeons up here.
No one was gonna rent this place.
Man.
Thank you so much, man.
You're a lifesaver.
Lifesaver? I don't know about that, bro.
It's just that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you gotta live with the fact that some of them will end up drugged out of their minds, man, in some magician's pocket.
- Can you believe that? - I know.
It's, it's just I mean, who drugs a pigeon? It doesn't make any sense! Of course.
Hey, little buddy.
You all right? You must've bumped into the window.
All right, don't worry.
Mel's gonna fix you right up.
How's that sound? You probably don't understand me.
You're a bird.
And you don't speak human language.
- Mel, this is delicious.
- Thank you, dad.
There's something.
Something a little different about it.
It doesn't taste like your cooking, Mel.
You took a cooking class, didn't you? Guilty.
And it's a very unusual taste.
It's what kind.
What kind of bird is it? It's I'll never tell.
You.
Let me get you.
Everybody's havin'dinner.
- Gettin'it done, all right.
- Sam, I'm sorry, we couldn't wait.
God, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna go get some of that good stuff right now.
Do you want, help me gettin - Get while the getting's good? - Sure.
Be right back.
- Hey.
It's going great.
- Not for this little guy, it isn't.
This is a girl.
See, this I know.
What happened? Well, our Mel has turned into quite a cook? I know.
And I don't know what she made.
But I'm gonna get some more.
- No.
Wait.
Angela.
- Yeah, this wing's a little tender.
Pigeon! Dick, they fed us street bird! I cannot believe that you would feed us filthy pigeon! Pigeons are actually some of the cleanest animals on earth.
No.
They're pretty gross.
Well, I don't care what it is.
It was the best damn meal I ever had.
- God, I think i'm gonna be sick.
- Mom, I didn't feed you pigeon, okay? - I fed you this.
- Garbage.
You fed us garbage.
That's not garbage.
It's takeout.
Okay, I didn't cook.
I burned everything.
No, you were right about us.
We do need you here.
- No.
I - No.
I thought about it, Sam.
And it's gonna be great.
'cause she'll cook and she'll clean for us.
And then she's gonna bundle the baby, and put it in a stroller, and bring and visit me at work, right? They want us upstairs.
Dick, what? What was that, Dick? Well, look at this.
Is this an antique? That's him.
The guy.
I forgot.
I had set an appointment with a very serious renter who I kind of promised that before you hugged.
- Timing.
- What a shame.
I don't care if he's an ax murder.
- You're renting him the place.
- Absolutely.
Thought we were meeting at 10:00? I thought i'd come by early and check out the place upstairs.
Didn't you get my message? - Did you call for the flat? - It's time for me to move on, Sam.
I told my mom I am out of there.
Well, it looks like you found your man.
I'll go break the news to Angela.
Wait just a second, though, because the, this is actually the guy from work that I told you about.
Great.
You guys could carpool.
Exactly what I was thinking, older gentleman.
Did you bring your checkbook? Don't.
Right now might not be the best time for you to be writing big checks.
- What are talking about? - Let me just talk you.
- Nice floors.
- Yeah, don't get too attached.
Julie did not just call me in today to give me a promotion.
We're calling her Julie now.
First name basis.
Nice! Rob, you're fired.
- What? - She called me in because i'm supposed to fire you.
They're letting you go.
I'm really sorry, Rob.
- But I was.
- Consistently crushing it, I know.
That's, okay.
Bye, older gentleman.
- You did the right thing.
- I know.
Neighbor.
Neighbor? Neighbor? I guess that means that that darling apartment is ours.
I guess it does.
- No.
It doesn't.
- What? Angela, I'm sorry.
We love you guys, and you're gonna be the best grandparents this kid could hope for.
But we can do this on our own.
- No, we can't.
- Honey, you're scared and I'm scared.
We're not the first people to do this.
We're gonna figure it out? We're gonna learn to cook.
We're gonna learn to clean.
And we're gonna learn to not leave corn in our sofa.
- You think so? - I'm sure of it.
- Did you feel something? - Every time.
Dick, come on, come on, convince them.
I think they'll do okay on their own.
Or we could bunk with you guys for a couple of weeks.
- What an insane day.
- Good night.
Good night, honey.
- Who wants warm milk? - Good night, mom.
- Altough warm milk does Kinda.
- Good night, Sam Team Subs-Addicts'
Well, I was just peeing.
And eating.
- You were eating while peeing.
- Well It's my mom's scones.
I can't stop eating them.
They're so good.
Wouldn't it be awesome if, there was a fireman's pole that went down to our place.
I'm gonna talk to the new tenants about that.
How'd you let manny rope you into showing this place anyway? Isn't that his job as apartment manager? If we rent the place, he's gonna give us a month's rent free.
That's gonna come in very Handy.
Because I'm getting laid off today.
You're not gonna get laid off.
I just want you to know that this is very serous.
This new boss, everyone talkin'about her.
She's a hatchet lady.
That's the term they're using.
Hatchet.
But Sam, you're gonna be fine.
You're right.
I know.
I'm not trying to scare you, honey.
Who cares anyway, all right? We're young, we're in love, we're having a baby.
We're havin'a baby.
You're having a baby.
I gotta rent this apartment.
It's hot in here.
Let's get some air flowin'.
What else.
Think, think, think.
What would make you rent this place? Nothing.
I don't want to live above those two newlyweds who have such noisy sex all the time.
They are loud, aren't they? - Especially her.
- Hey, I am not.
What? I am very flattered.
It is me, right? It's not something genetic that runs in the family? Okay, I don't want to.
I can't imagine that.
Well, your mom, oh, god, I bet she's very frisky.
Especially in the kitchen.
Your scone is ready.
Come get your scone, Dick! - Stop it.
- Five minutes to scone.
Take my scone and slather your judgerly jam on it.
I got the note.
Good.
-= 110 =- " The Apartment " Sub VO : ¤Aka & YaYa¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
Well, that is the last of the wedding presents that were left at the house.
Cool.
Someone gave us a ninja throwing star.
No, honey.
That's That's a cuisinart blade.
Guys, thank you very much for this trek and bringin'all this stuff.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
Two hours in traffic with a carload of cookware.
- I can cross that off my bucket list.
- No, it wasn't.
It wasn't.
Although that drive's gonna feel a lot longer once the baby comes and we're making it every day.
Every day? But you know, maybe we don't have - to make that every day.
- No, definitely not.
No, you know, if we took the place upstairs.
What? I was just thinking how cute that space is.
And I've always wanted to live in the city and pretend I was poor.
Dick, come on.
Make it a little.
A little crash pad.
We can go whenever we wanted.
Wouldn't it be Bohemian? Could be nice.
Yeah.
See? And we could be a big help to you kids.
That's a very sweet offer, but really unnecessary.
- Yeah.
We'll be fine.
- How? Come on.
You know that I'm proud as punch that you took the working girl route.
I love to think about you going to work in your skirt suit and your shoulder pads, impressing Harrison Ford.
Mom, I am a vet.
The point I'm making, honey, is that when that baby's crying, and there is no clean Laundry, and you've got to put dinner on the table, you're not gonna be able to spay and neuter your way out of that mess.
- You're gonna need your mother.
- We're gonna be fine.
I know how to cook and how to clean.
In fact, I was going to cook dinner tonight.
I'm gonna use these.
Well, we're gonna be around running errands and things.
So why don't we just join you for dinner? - What? - Yeah.
You can just double the recipe.
Sure.
Of course I can.
I can double it.
I could triple it.
I could quadruple it 'cause it's just math.
- Dinner party.
- Fun.
- Cool.
- Yeah, can I talk to you? We might want to use that, see where that would go.
- Okay, they wouldn't.
- Move in? They would.
But it doesn't matter - Cook dinner? No way, honey.
You cook bad and they're really gonna think they need to move in.
No, I can cook.
I just don't because i'm working all the time.
But I'll cook something simple, and then she see that we don't need their help.
Okay.
But as a double safe, super backup plan, i'm gonna rent that apartment up there before they get back.
- How many appointments do you have? - None.
Yeah i'm gonna make some fliers.
Melanie, dust is the devil's snow.
Make a lot of fliers.
I'm just saying, new boss, first day, nobody's safe.
I heard she Gutted Atlanta magazine.
She's gonna do the same thing here.
We don't know that for sure.
Let's just.
She's probably gonna fire me first.
She'd be stupid not to.
I'm too Skinny.
My ideas are weird.
I'm a dead man walking.
- Hey, guys.
You wanna grab some lunch? - We actually just ate.
Yeah.
Me too.
Not even really hungry.
Do you think's gonna get canned today? Not this guy.
When things are tough, you never cut ad sales personnel.
Especially not guys who consistently crush it.
Snap.
I am blowin'up here.
I gotta get this.
Later.
Hey, you.
Completely uneaten.
Leftover lasagna and a juice box.
I'm gonna put this on his desk.
All right.
I need to see Sam Briggs.
Thank god! You'll be fine, man.
We'll talk in your office.
This won't take long.
Ms.
Hauser before you start, i'd love - I'm gonna stop you.
- Sure.
First of all, if youever call mems.
Hauser again, I will fire you.
And second, i'm not gonna fire you.
All right.
Had me goin'.
Thank you very much.
I mean, not that I was expecting to be, but it's always good to hear "not fired" in the anyway, thank you miss.
- What would you like to be called? - Julie.
Or jules.
Or jujube.
Any kind of cute nickname as long as it doesn't sound sexual.
- Sure.
- Although it can, and maybe should, soundsexy.
I'll.
I'll get workin'on that.
- Have a seat.
- Great.
I've heard a lot of great things about you.
Which is why you're getting a promotion.
A promotion? That's I'll, thank you.
That's.
That's great Ju manji.
Yeah.
Keep at it.
Anyway, so of course it comes with a salary bump, and a couple of new responsibilities.
- Well, hit me.
- I need you to fire Rob.
- What? - I want him out today.
About Rob, I just want to ma Thank you so much for handling that for me.
We always have lasagna, mom.
God! Later, porn star! - Hey, Sammy.
- Hey, man So what's up? I saw you talkin'to the new boss.
Tell me she didn't fire you.
But thanks for your concern.
She actually Kinda gave me a promotion.
That's awesome.
We should go celebrate.
That's not quite what I came over here to tell you.
Tell me tonight over virgin pina coladas.
My treat.
Let us do that.
Yeah! All right.
Good.
I'll pick you up at, 10:00.
- Perfect.
- All right, cool.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
We just got here.
It was impossible to park.
See, if we lived here, we could walk everywhere.
I love to walk.
Really? Kinda boring to me.
Walking.
Never got it.
- Smells great in here.
- Mel's makin'a pumpkin pie.
Really? Interesting.
Excited.
How was work? Mel said you were gonna be fired.
- I ran out of small talk.
- That's all right.
Did not get fired.
Awesome.
And I.
Matter of fact, I got a promotion from the new boss.
Yeah.
So pay bump, new title, the whole That's great, honey.
Okay.
Bye.
Bummer, though.
I, you know, I had to fire someone today.
Really.
- How'd that go? - You know, you gotta do what do in those situations, you know? They put you in that position to do that sort of thing, you gotta do it, so you do it.
I didn't do it.
I'm gonna do it tonight.
This is going to be good for you.
You need to start being more firm and direct.
Okay, they don't need any advice.
They don't need our help at all.
Sam has his own way of dealing with people.
And Mel, apparently she's become quite the homemaker.
I'm sorry, what is.
What is sticking into me here? Oh, my god.
That is an ear of corn that we got last month at a street fair.
Excuse me.
I will be right back.
Think your mom might be backing off.
Honey.
What the hell happened? I burned Everything.
I can't cook.
No.
I can't cook.
Why did I say that I could cook? That's it.
She's movin'in.
- Storm's a-comin'.
- You know what, I.
I'm gonna get some takeout food, and we're gonna put it on some fancy plates, - we're gonna tell her that you made it.
- That's not gonna work.
My mom can taste a cookie and know if the flower has been sifted.
Why didn't anyone call about the apartment? Someone did.
They left a message and they said they might be here at 9:30.
All right, I'll call them back and hard-sell.
Did they leave a number? But someone might've spilled olive oil all over the machine.
You know, maybe it would be a good idea if my parents moved in upstairs.
You know, I mean, it's a little tempting.
A lot of things are tempting, honey.
All right? Heroin is tempting.
Gym memberships are tempting.
God, I wasted money on that gym membership.
- I never go.
- You're right.
All right, just clean up.
Clean up.
Buy me some time.
I'm gonna go get the food.
We're gonna have a tenant in here by 9:45.
Okay.
Is everything okay? I can't tell you how good it looks in there.
I'm gonna grab some wine and.
- I'm come too.
- No, no.
Don't, don't.
Do or do.
I mean, that's what I meant.
- I know what you're doing.
- What's up? - We're getting dinner.
Mel can't cook.
- What are you talkin'about? - She's a whiz in the kitchen.
- Skip it, Sam.
We have got to get a home cooked meal on that table fast, otherwise i'm facing a life sentence of three day weekends in that grimy little tenement.
- You don't want the apartment.
- I like my house.
It's big.
It's beautiful.
It's got rooms I've never even been in.
All right, well, great.
Can you tell Angela that? Well, I can't tell an Well, I You know, I Is this, is this an antique? I get it.
Okay.
It's interesting.
I thought you were the one talkin'about being firm and direct.
It's just that when A ngela looks at me with those big eyes - Dick, you're Kinda like me.
- Don't ever say that again.
Where are we gonna get a home-cooked meal? We have a plan.
Fancy plates.
Takeout.
You don't think that Angela's gonna see right through that? It'll buy us some time.
A guy's coming up to look at the apartment in one hour.
I left the apartment a little messy.
All right, look, i'll get the food.
You take care of that.
I'll meet you back here in 20min.
All right.
Good plan, dicholas.
That's a one-time deal.
Hey, little buddy.
I know it's cold out there, but, I'm gonna have to go ahead and shoo ya.
Hey, hold up, buddy.
Where'd you go now? W there you are.
All right.
No.
Okay.
Hey, I'm your friend.
Chirpa chirpa chirpa chirpa.
Okay, little buddy.
Okay, join your friends.
Got the food.
How's the apartment? Overrun with pigeons.
- How on earth did y - Wrong time for the blame game, Dick.
That's not gonna help.
We now have a one bed, one bath birdhouse that no one's gonna want to rent.
What are we gonna do? Call Phil.
The guy I bought my birds from.
He'll know what to do.
I just want to be near enough so I can bring you nice soup and babysit all the time.
Now and when you go back to work, I can bundle the baby in the stroller, and we can come visit you at your veterinary practice.
You can nurse her, and teach her all about the cute little animals.
And then I'll whisk her out right before you euthanize them.
Yeah, that actually sounds Kinda nice.
I mean, not the euthanasia, but all the stuff that came before.
All right, let me break this down for you.
You got 14 band-tailed pigeons.
You got your various homing, city, and county.
You got your blue bars and one sparrow.
Now, generally, pigeons don't associate with sparrows.
So this must be one cool sparrow.
Just, like, little scrappy.
Man, we don't need all that.
Just, can you please help us out? Sorry.
I prefer to think of myself as helping them, except they can't write the checks.
Sorry, Phil.
No.
For you, it is an honor, your honor.
Now beat it.
Scram.
All right.
I am Phil, birdman of manassas.
Hello, pigeons of DC! - Here's the wine.
- Nice.
I missed you.
Bedroom hands in the living room? What's gotten into you, mister? Honey, this looks incredible.
- How'd you do it? - Damn! There's where i.
Just give me the food.
Don't open any cabinets.
This looks great, babe.
I will tell you later.
What the hell, man? There was crashing and booming and.
That's the last of them, bro.
Man.
Sorry about all the yelling.
It's just that one of the pigeons was deaf.
God, whatever you gotta do to get it done.
There were 100 pigeons up here.
No one was gonna rent this place.
Man.
Thank you so much, man.
You're a lifesaver.
Lifesaver? I don't know about that, bro.
It's just that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you gotta live with the fact that some of them will end up drugged out of their minds, man, in some magician's pocket.
- Can you believe that? - I know.
It's, it's just I mean, who drugs a pigeon? It doesn't make any sense! Of course.
Hey, little buddy.
You all right? You must've bumped into the window.
All right, don't worry.
Mel's gonna fix you right up.
How's that sound? You probably don't understand me.
You're a bird.
And you don't speak human language.
- Mel, this is delicious.
- Thank you, dad.
There's something.
Something a little different about it.
It doesn't taste like your cooking, Mel.
You took a cooking class, didn't you? Guilty.
And it's a very unusual taste.
It's what kind.
What kind of bird is it? It's I'll never tell.
You.
Let me get you.
Everybody's havin'dinner.
- Gettin'it done, all right.
- Sam, I'm sorry, we couldn't wait.
God, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna go get some of that good stuff right now.
Do you want, help me gettin - Get while the getting's good? - Sure.
Be right back.
- Hey.
It's going great.
- Not for this little guy, it isn't.
This is a girl.
See, this I know.
What happened? Well, our Mel has turned into quite a cook? I know.
And I don't know what she made.
But I'm gonna get some more.
- No.
Wait.
Angela.
- Yeah, this wing's a little tender.
Pigeon! Dick, they fed us street bird! I cannot believe that you would feed us filthy pigeon! Pigeons are actually some of the cleanest animals on earth.
No.
They're pretty gross.
Well, I don't care what it is.
It was the best damn meal I ever had.
- God, I think i'm gonna be sick.
- Mom, I didn't feed you pigeon, okay? - I fed you this.
- Garbage.
You fed us garbage.
That's not garbage.
It's takeout.
Okay, I didn't cook.
I burned everything.
No, you were right about us.
We do need you here.
- No.
I - No.
I thought about it, Sam.
And it's gonna be great.
'cause she'll cook and she'll clean for us.
And then she's gonna bundle the baby, and put it in a stroller, and bring and visit me at work, right? They want us upstairs.
Dick, what? What was that, Dick? Well, look at this.
Is this an antique? That's him.
The guy.
I forgot.
I had set an appointment with a very serious renter who I kind of promised that before you hugged.
- Timing.
- What a shame.
I don't care if he's an ax murder.
- You're renting him the place.
- Absolutely.
Thought we were meeting at 10:00? I thought i'd come by early and check out the place upstairs.
Didn't you get my message? - Did you call for the flat? - It's time for me to move on, Sam.
I told my mom I am out of there.
Well, it looks like you found your man.
I'll go break the news to Angela.
Wait just a second, though, because the, this is actually the guy from work that I told you about.
Great.
You guys could carpool.
Exactly what I was thinking, older gentleman.
Did you bring your checkbook? Don't.
Right now might not be the best time for you to be writing big checks.
- What are talking about? - Let me just talk you.
- Nice floors.
- Yeah, don't get too attached.
Julie did not just call me in today to give me a promotion.
We're calling her Julie now.
First name basis.
Nice! Rob, you're fired.
- What? - She called me in because i'm supposed to fire you.
They're letting you go.
I'm really sorry, Rob.
- But I was.
- Consistently crushing it, I know.
That's, okay.
Bye, older gentleman.
- You did the right thing.
- I know.
Neighbor.
Neighbor? Neighbor? I guess that means that that darling apartment is ours.
I guess it does.
- No.
It doesn't.
- What? Angela, I'm sorry.
We love you guys, and you're gonna be the best grandparents this kid could hope for.
But we can do this on our own.
- No, we can't.
- Honey, you're scared and I'm scared.
We're not the first people to do this.
We're gonna figure it out? We're gonna learn to cook.
We're gonna learn to clean.
And we're gonna learn to not leave corn in our sofa.
- You think so? - I'm sure of it.
- Did you feel something? - Every time.
Dick, come on, come on, convince them.
I think they'll do okay on their own.
Or we could bunk with you guys for a couple of weeks.
- What an insane day.
- Good night.
Good night, honey.
- Who wants warm milk? - Good night, mom.
- Altough warm milk does Kinda.
- Good night, Sam Team Subs-Addicts'