You Me Her (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Previously on "You Me Her" I love us.
Not just the sex, but, like, us.
I know that you guys feel this just as much as I do.
We have careers.
We have neighbors.
We're trying to have a baby, for God's sake.
So, you're afraid? Of course we're fucking afraid.
You don't deserve me.
Do I really have to ask? I fucked Andy, and I got to go.
[Izzy.]
: I'm gonna go home.
You are home.
No, like home home, as in Colorado.
I've been working crazy hours on this huge pitch for a fancy new theater at the Hamilton School where Jack works.
- Very well done, Mrs.
Trakarsky.
- Thank you.
It won't be official until the Alumni Board approves it.
- The Alumni Board? - Sor uh, sorry? Weinstock is retiring as dean, and he's recommending me as his replacement.
The Alumni Board has all your records.
They meet to discuss on Monday.
Can they really track my browser history? This whole "niece that fell from the sky" issue continues to bother me.
You find Jacqueline Isabelle's last name and any social-networking site that proves her and Jack's big sister could pick each other out of a line-up, let alone share DNA.
I thought this was supposed to be easy.
Yeah, whatever happened to click, bang? I'm not exactly a Photoshop wizard.
It's Ava.
It worked.
It's about the position.
We need to have a talk.
[School bell rings.]
[Andy.]
: So what about the position? Your browsing history made us all feel sad and dirty.
No, no, no.
That's I think that's There's a million reasons for that, I think.
You know, my, like, my my nephew once was watching, like, "Dora the Explorer" on YouTube and the next thing you know, he was actually watching, like, a porn that was called "Dora the Explorer.
" So it's very easy to go from point A to point B.
I think there's, like, those pop-up ads that they have that just Are you fucking with me right now? - I am.
- Oh, my God.
We need to talk about you being named dean today.
Meaning it's happening.
- Emma's firm won the bid.
- They did? She'll probably make partner.
Oh, my God.
That that is great.
That's that's unbelievable.
Get a huge raise.
Lots of money coming in.
So So? I mean, what what are you hinting at? - Just spit it out.
- Look, look.
This isn't the first time in the past week that you've showed up looking like microwaved bison shit, Jack.
Okay.
Can you fast-forward to the part where you actually say what you're thinking? I'm thinking about the guy that I hired as a counselor 15 years ago.
I asked you why you wanted the job, and you gave me the best no-bullshit answer I've ever heard.
And and keep in mind that I've faced down thousands upon thousands of teenagers and nobody can bullshit like a teenager.
Oh, God, Jack.
I'm so fucking sick of teenagers.
Can you get to the part what what did I say in the interview? What was the line? You said, "All I really want to do is help as many kids as I can make it safely and sanely to the other side of 18.
" I remember that.
That's not what I do as dean, Jack.
It's not part of the job description.
[Sighs.]
So, what do I do? You know what? I'm gonna tell you what not to do instead, okay? Don't do anything just because you can.
Don't do anything you don't love.
And don't do anything because other people think you should.
Oh, don't do anything because you're afraid to do something else.
How about that one, huh? [School bell rings.]
[Cellphone vibrating.]
[Vibrating continues.]
Mom? Hi.
Frank.
Frank.
Have you ever wondered what if your best and truest and happiest life was like nothing you ever imagined? You know, do you ever wonder if you would have the the balls to live it? Not nearly enough.
The board meets in an hour, Jack.
What do you want me to tell them? I don't know.
My whole life I've just been living a life that other people wanted me to live, you know, with what was expected.
I've never actually done what I wanted to do.
And you're, like for the first time, I feel like I'm awake and that's thanks to you and [Sighing.]
Oh, God.
Fuck if I know what you should tell them.
[Chuckles.]
I'll rephrase that.
Yeah, please.
I don't want to be sitting here, like, 25 years from now and leaving getting the gold watch and and no offense, by the way.
I love your gold watch was really I like that.
It looks good on you.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Goodbye, Jack.
Thank you, sir, for everything.
[School bell rings.]
Sorry about the gold watch thing.
[Sighs.]
[Cellphone rings.]
[Sighs deeply.]
- Hey, babe.
- We got it.
We got the theater project.
That's so great.
I can't Tell me all about it.
I just want to hear your voice.
Well, everyone says I'm gonna get partner.
Partner! I mean, I thought I thought partners were old.
Wait, does this mean I'm old and I just don't realize it? I I'm pretty sure that I've gradually made the bathroom lights so dim that I can just, like, vaguely make out a shape of myself.
[Chuckles.]
Mm, we're having mimosas.
Can you tell? I wish you could be here.
I wish you could just come on over.
Jack? Are you okay? What if I told you I can come over right now? Well, I'd say hurry.
All right.
[Sighs.]
[Nina.]
: Iz.
Izzy.
What time is it? Um, I don't know.
Why don't you ask the phone? Oh, shit.
It's 10:00.
Why "shit"? Your flight isn't till like 8:30-something.
I just feel like there's, like, a lot to do.
Like what? I don't know.
Sit up.
Right now.
And look at me.
Why are you crying? I don't know.
'Cause I'm leaving.
'Cause I'll miss you.
I just talked to my mom.
Was it bad? It's okay.
She sounded excited, actually.
Sober, as far as I could tell.
She sounded like my mom.
Which is never awesome, but, it's good for her, I guess.
Did you tell her that you're going home because it's your turn to be crazy? [Laughs.]
Because you I don't know, you want to make things right between the two of you.
Because you I told her that I got my heart broken.
So maybe now I could understand a little.
[Knock on door.]
Who could that be? How the hell should I know? Andy it's it's Andy.
Andy? Why? 'Cause you're abandoning me, so I'm gonna be revenge-humping him.
I told you.
Already.
Yeah, I just I don't know.
I think it's important that you see it.
Not actually, you can absolutely leave, but I wanted to make sure that you knew.
You told him I was leaving, didn't you? Not before I spit in your mouth.
- Don't you dare! - Open up.
- [Knock on door.]
- No.
Hello? Come on.
Open up.
Come on.
[Both.]
: We're coming! Don't you fucking Better not be walking into some freaky shit again.
[Nina.]
: Andy, let's gangbang her! I don't know why I said that.
You, uh you ever think I could, uh, maybe walk in here once and just find you girls reading? [Emma.]
: To hard work.
[Glasses clink.]
[Chuckles.]
Madam partner.
I know.
I get an obscene raise and profit sharing.
Meanwhile, you're not at school.
You're here.
Um, apparently, dressed to go to, like, a fantasy draft or something? Seriously, what are you doing here? Are you okay? - Yes.
- Do you need a drink? You look like you need a drink.
I declined the position.
Okay.
And then I resigned.
Okay.
And you're not surprised.
No, I'm I'm not.
[Sighs.]
Honey, think about this.
I mean, Hamilton has drug tests, I Yeah.
In the week leading up to my board review, we were, like, you know like Seth Rogen and who's the female equivalent of Seth Rogen pot-wise? No one 'cause women don't identify like that.
You just blew my mind.
Was Frank pissed? No.
The opposite, actually.
He's the one who who led me there.
How? What'd he say? H he said, "Don't do anything just because you're scared to do something else.
" Look, I know I'm being kind of redundant, but I know it's not us, and it's not our life.
It's not who we are, but maybe why am I saying "it"? Because you don't want to say her name.
You think she's okay? What if she's not okay? - I I don't know.
- Are we supposed to just never never call her, never talk to her again? So, is this weird for anyone else or just me? In what way? In the way that in a drunken fit of anger and desperation, you two had intercourse.
What? No.
Nope.
Doesn't ring any bells.
- No? - I told her.
Oh.
O okay.
Um, now it's weird.
Yeah.
[Ducks quacking.]
Look, Andy.
Don't.
Don't, don't, don't.
Nope.
No more.
No, just - No.
- Okay.
Don't.
- I'm really sorry.
- [Scoffs.]
Oh, my Don't.
What part of "don't" did you not understand, please? I am your fucking thesis, right? So I'm, like, uh, how to destroy a healthy, young male in 10 simple steps.
Is that what it is? No, it's not.
I said I'd never be my mom, and I just skipped over getting humiliated by a man and cut to just the substance abuse.
You know, the same part of me digs you a lot.
[chuckles.]
Same part of you.
What about Jack and Emma? Which part of you digs them? Hmm? I is that how you're gonna box it up and send it home? They were a little elaborate expression of your child-of-divorce damage, another symptom of your alleged breakdown? [Scoffs.]
Yeah, well, for what it's worth, and I know it's not worth much, but I don't buy it.
I was built on shaky ground And any day this all could come down And toe-to-toe Oh, apparently, it's Halloween.
Apparently, you're childless.
You are the worst person in the world.
Who is worse than you? My 13-year-old.
He's going to his first party instead of trick-or-treating.
I'm gonna be a grandpa.
Sounds like a hell of a party.
Oh, it's a slippery slope.
What are you supposed to be? Huh? Unemployed? Actually, yes.
Good call, man.
This morning, I quit my job.
[Chokes.]
What the fuck?! I know! It's crazy, right? What is that look? I've never seen that look on you before.
I just always thought you were a eunuch.
That's why you couldn't make babies like a real man.
Dude, you are the worst offic I mean I wish you could hear the stuff that comes out of your mouth so that you would join the rest of us at being horrified.
It turns out, you have a real set of bowling balls between your legs.
Thank you very much.
I have this unfamiliar feeling, uh, something like envy but obviously not because I make way more money than you and my wife's a year younger than yours.
So, cl clearly, that's not possible.
It's not possible.
Okay, well, there's someone else who actually disagrees with you about the size of my testicular circumference.
- Like who? - Like Izzy.
No.
Okay.
See, that look I recognize.
That's, like, your disapproving look 'cause I see that all my fucking life.
- Yeah.
You deserve it.
- Well [Cellphone chimes.]
Oh, shit.
Baby doc.
Shit, I forgot.
- Jack? - Yep? I know.
Believe me, we ended it, okay? It's over, so don't worry.
I got this.
Yeah.
Better stay that way.
It's no problem.
Little fucktard.
I hear that.
I can hear you saying these words.
- Hello.
- [Chuckles.]
Do I make you want to kill yourself with unrequited lust? I'm going for a body count tonight.
Yeah, you are.
[Chuckles.]
I would totally off myself if you wouldn't fuck me.
I know.
Andy said I'm not crazy.
[Chuckles.]
Sweetie, it's been quite a while since you've made any sense at all.
You're literally senseless.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
He made a good point if you're open to hearing it.
No, baby.
He didn't, so I'm not.
He said I really did fall for Jack and Emma.
It's just easier to accept being insane than inventing that I let a suburban married couple sneak through my defenses and steal my heart.
Aren't those the exact same things? Look, Iz.
Andy is a really smart boy.
He just came up with a better, sharper instrument of revenge than "You're a basket case".
Yeah, you're probably right.
[Woman.]
: Has anything changed in your sex life since our last meeting? - No.
- No.
I mean, we you mean since my wife said we had sex 1.
5 times a week? But then I clarified that we weren't actually having fractional intercourse 'cause that would be - Right.
- impossible.
[Chuckling.]
That was Uh, when was that? 10 days ago.
So let's make it even simpler.
How many times have you had sex since then? Oh, what, with each other? [Both laugh.]
Stupid question.
She's that is sex, honey.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
I would say seven seven times, right? Yeah.
That sounds that sounds right.
That's good.
That's very good.
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
We're very happy about it.
We've been kind of getting in the groove, you know? Yeah.
I think I think we're gonna see some results.
[Woman.]
: Is this improvement based entirely on trying to start a family, or did you make any other changes that invigorated your sex life? - Uh, no.
- Honey? - No.
- No.
No, no.
I mean, the same Nothing I can I can think of.
Uh, let's see.
No - No.
- Nope.
No, same old, uh, just as it was, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, we yeah.
We pretty much do it, you know, like everyone else.
Standard.
Just two parts, his and hers.
Penis, vagina, just normal She knows how it works.
No, I'm just saying 'cause I don't want her to think It's not anal or anything.
That's, like that's weird, and I think She won't let me do anal.
Never has.
[Man.]
: I'm waiting for a sign [Woman.]
: Waiting for direction I'm ready to build a wall Behind every step I've taken So I can't turn back around And doubt my destination This party's gonna be crazy.
[Speaking indistinctly.]
Can you remind me who I am when I act like someone else? And can you help me understand - [Doorbell rings.]
- Why these cards were dealt? Can you shatter my mirror to see outside myself? And I hope to see it clearer, the place from where I fell The place from where I fell The place from where I fell Ooh [Sniffles.]
Okay, you're dumb.
I hate you.
Can you remind me who I am Please don't kill anybody.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Can you help me understand why these cards were dealt? Can you shatter my mirror to see outside myself? And I hope to see it clearer - The place from where I fell - [Andy.]
: You okay? Are you okay? Hey.
Are you okay? S sorry.
What'd you say? I asked if you were okay.
Oh, yeah.
[Scoffs.]
Yeah.
No, definitely.
I mean, I'm gonna see her in a few weeks at Thanksgiving, I think, so it's, you know, whatever.
Want to do a couple shots? I don't know.
It's not really a complicated decision, Nina.
Oh, then, yeah, sure.
Okay.
What are you doing? I think they have a right to know.
Do y do you think they have a right to know? I don't know.
- [Sighs.]
- What are you thinking? I just feel like we should talk to her.
[Cellphone ringing.]
I don't know the number.
If it's important, they'll leave a message.
Get it.
You should get it.
[Clears throat.]
Hello? We think you have a right to know.
Who's we? Who is it? I don't know.
Me and Andy.
- Nina? - Scary Nina? Yeah, Scary Nina.
Izzy's roommate.
What do we have a right to know? Is she okay? - Is everything all right? - I don't know yet.
She's leaving for good.
She, um she's calling it, like, some part of her mental breakdown, but that's bullshit.
She's leaving 'cause of you guys.
Why why would she be leaving because of us? I don't get it.
Because she fell in love with you, both of you, for real.
What? She left? - Like, she left town? - I don't know yet.
Well, can you ask the important questions? Where is she now? She's at the airport.
Her flight leaves at 8:35pm, I can't remember her airline, but for some, um, sad, strange reason, the departure time is branded on my brain.
Where is she? Where is she? Okay.
So I'm out.
- Okay, thanks.
- Jack, where is she? - I I - Where is she? - We got to go to the airport.
- The airport? [Horn honks.]
Shit.
It keeps going straight to her voice-mail.
We're almost there.
Just try try texting or something.
Izzy, it's Emma.
Please call us back.
We're almost at the airport.
Text her.
Don't I don't think she I've texted her.
I've texted her.
She's she's her phone is off.
Can you go any faster? Left you In the morning Before the sunlight broke across the bed Left you Without a warning Leaving you a history of broken promises And I don't know where I'm going [Emma.]
: Have you never seen a romantic comedy in your entire life? We aren't going anywhere.
I'm just a little confused.
See, this is what we call the departure level of the airport.
Going somewhere is the only reason people come here.
We will take your cheapest ticket flying anywhere tonight.
Right.
What's your cheapest ticket? Like, that's the shittiest destination you can think of? Is it still Cleveland? We don't fly there.
We're trying to stop someone from going somewhere.
Ma'am, you don't seem like a terrorist Well, thank you.
I get that a lot.
but do you see how I might find your choice of words a little troubling? We just want her to know she's not going crazy.
Yeah, and we feel the same way.
And that it's up to her.
We'll just She's a different person, not her.
It's we have a Still feel like this is too much information, but I can't turn this plane around No, I can't go back I can't go back now Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Let's get fucked up.
Okay.
For sure.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh [Sighs.]
Ugh.
- Another.
- Yeah? Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're all accounted for.
Please.
Oh, my God.
Can I help you? Are you on this flight? Uh, no.
Uh, San Francisco.
Do you wish you were going to Denver? - It it hasn't left yet? - We are all full.
What if we wanted to just get a message to someone on that flight? - No.
- But just No.
Really? Just a little message? No.
Are you serious? - Honey.
- Have a nice day.
Let me handle this.
I'm sorry, she doesn't trav - Sir? - Yep.
Step away from the desk.
She's very mean.
I can't, um Bye.
[Sighs.]
We could go to San Francisco.
Boards in 20.
Sure, why not? Hey, assholes! [Both chuckle.]
Somebody's following you.
Plugged in my phone, got your 9,000 texts.
[Chuckles.]
We came after you.
We, like, climbed the trellis.
Sprinted down Broadway.
Right, and we we literally raced to the airport which is, like, the the rom-comiest ball of rom-com tropes.
And Just to get here.
I don't But then what? We go home.
What? If you want her, let her know Other lovers cannot go Well, darling, you can try Oh, it's over Girls cry all the time And it moves like the water in my mind subtitle by peritta - corrections by chamallow