Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e10 Episode Script

1 - (man) Whoo! Yeah! - (woman moaning with pleasure) - High school confidential - (man) Yeah! Whoo! Woohoo! Ah, woohoo! Whoo! - I love this song.
- Me too.
- Is it from their new album? - Yeah, their new one.
Well, not their new one but their last one.
- (man) Yow! Haha! - (woman) Yah! - When she flashes me a look - Hey, have you seen Airplane? I have.
Twice.
It's really funny.
Especially the first time.
- (chuckling) - Well, well, high school High school confidential - May I? - Sure.
Surely.
- Don't call me Shirley.
- High school - High school confidential - (distant woman moaning) I'm not moving too fast, am I? - God, no.
- Yeah - (woman moaning) - (man) Ah-ooh! - High school confidential - I love your hands.
Y-your handwriting.
I-I've always loved your handwriting.
You keep rubbing my hand like that, I'm gonna have to grant you three wishes.
- Open sesame.
- Is that your first wish? 'Cause that might be moving a bit fast.
- Oh no, I didn't mean - Kidding.
First wish? Hey, little girl, can I show you a world Lay down beside me now - Oh! - Is something wrong? - This song is wrong.
- What? - This song is so wrong for this moment.
- I didn't even hear it.
- Forever recall this night - No.
No.
- (door opening) - (panting) - All right.
Let's go, I'm spent.
(woman) Take your damn pants, Shinky! (theme music) What happened with Diane last night? Melora told me you queered the deal.
Literally.
What?! Why would she say that about me? Remember you kissed Cowboy Number 3 at that party.
That was a heroic act! Besides, I was doing a Bugs Bunny impression.
- I even said, "What's up, doc?" - Yeah, I know.
But let's face it, all anybody remembers of that party is you standing up on your tippy toes, full-on kissing a man.
And then you flamed out with Diane last night.
Gah! Melora's the worst! She's not, okay? You only see her horrible side.
I get to see her good side.
The side where she takes off her clothes.
You only like her 'cause she's easy.
You are a judgemental boy, you know that? Diane said she liked the song no, worse actually, she said she didn't even notice - that it was playing.
- Oh no! The ears are the gateway to the soul, Shinky.
Okay, sure, but a kiss is the gateway to the rest of the body, all right? And Diane Gabaldi's body Yeah, I'm not so sure.
I think beneath that angel body beats the heart of a 40 year-old housewife named Margaret.
- (rock music) - You know what you are? You are a music racist! You're a "music-ist.
" - Whoa.
Heavy, man.
- Yeah, it is heavy, but you've got to power through Diane Gabaldi's music - if you want Diane Gabaldi! - What do I do, Shink? At least it wasn't me You've got to let me break you.
How? You have to listen and tolerate bad music.
And who has the lamest collection - of music in Brae Vista? - My family.
Oh, stop it, you're such a flatterer.
Okay.
Okay, bye, cutie-pants.
Ah, great news, you guys! I'm seeing someone! And what's the news part of that news? - Tell me all about him.
- He's so nice to me.
He listens to me when I talk.
He even listens to me when I'm silent.
He's only been here two weeks and he already has three jobs.
Sounds a lot better than that guy who tried to undo - your bra with his feet.
- Teeth.
He has these soft, piercing eyes.
He has soft, piercing brown eyes.
- Hmm - His family just moved here - from Pakistan! - Ah Oh Great! - His name is Naseef! - Nas, Nat, Na, Naf, Na - Well, that's a mouthful.
- Naseef! What name is he thinking of using here in Canada? See? This is exactly what I was worried about.
So when you meet him, just cool it with your off-colour remarks.
Well, that's gonna be pretty easy, because I'm not in the habit of making any off-colour remarks.
- You do.
So don't.
- Sweetie, I have to tell you: I don't have one racist bone in my body.
What about those little nicknames you have for the guys at work? I mean, you call Spud "Spud" because he's Irish, right? No, I call him Spud, because he went to jail for stealing a truckload of potatoes, - so you're wrong.
- Why do you call Henry "Chief"? Well, it's a compliment.
He is an Indian gentleman who's a Chief like the top, best one.
- Huh? - Oh, you two are prejudging me.
So I wonder: who is it that's prejudiced? That went way better than I expected! - Nooo! - Yeah.
- Ugh - Yeah.
Haha! What are you two doing in here? I just want to listen to one of your records.
Well, you can't just barge in! What if I was indecent? Well, you should put up a sign or something? Or schedule that tells us exactly when you will be indecent.
- (Ian) Can I borrow a record? - You hate my records.
He hates everybody's records; that's why he's going to die alone and unloved unless I cure him.
- Huh? - Okay Which one? I don't know.
They're all awful.
I have to just move past your terrible music as a challenge to myself.
Sounds stupid.
- That one.
- Doug and the Slugs! - Nooo! - (laughing) Yeah! (Ian sighs.
) Away, wipe, wipe, a-wipe, a-wipe, a-wipe away The taste of your machinations Too bad machinations Too bad, too bad machinations It's over Oh - Ugh.
- Interesting.
The brain is trying to escape the music by sneaking out of his nose.
Too bad (buzzing) You know the idea is to not hear that noise, right? - Yeah, I think I know that.
- (buzzing) Do you mind if I ask you a question? You don't mind when I call you "Chief," do ya? Am I allowed to be honest? - More or less.
- I don't like it.
The only thing you know about me is that I am a native guy.
Well, you are a native guy, aren't you? That's not everything about me.
Ah, did you know I'm really good at roller-skating? - No.
- Or that I play the trumpet? - You play the trumpet? Wow! - No, I don't.
But if you knew me better, you'd know that.
- And what's my real name? - Isn't it Henry? - My Blackfoot name is Apotasuen.
- Apota - Apotasuen.
Come on, that's way too long.
I can't say that; we are paid by the hour.
- You didn't even try.
- I'm not racist, I'm just not good with names! I'm assuming mostly non-white people names.
No, no! You should hear me try to say Bertram.
Bleh! - You just said it perfectly.
- And that was the first time, ever.
- You see that kid there? - (indistinct talking on monitor) That fine young man is dating my daughter, and I could care less.
As a matter of fact, watch this.
? Hey! - Hello.
- Lloyd McKay, Master of the Universe.
Just kidding, but actually - I do run this place.
- Narendra Pridair.
Na-th-tr, tren-tra padire.
Cool.
Yeah, um, I am Belinda McKay's father.
- Belinda! - Wow! She will not shut up about you.
She really likes you, you know? - She does? - Yeah, it's all Na-na t-trindra this.
- Narendra? - Naklendra that and Na-ren-dra.
- Yes, Na-na - Narendra.
- Na-nare-re-chechendra - Narendra.
Neil Hey, what are you doing Saturday night? - I have no plans at this moment.
- Well, you do now.
You're coming over for dinner.
I will not - take no for an answer.
- Then I can only say yes.
Okay! This is gonna be amazing, Nn-N there.
Ah, two cultures coming together, you know, sharing culture, like the colours of a rainbow, - over a meal.
- What a jackass.
It's gonna be a classical gas.
It's an expression that we use here.
Everybody can use it; it's everybody's expression.
I'm gonna see you then and we're gonna have a great time.
- Hi, Mrs.
McKay.
- Boy! Before reading this book, the only thing I could have told you about Pakistan is that certain people were from there.
You know that music you were listening to this morning? This morning 1000 Banjo Songs.
Yeah.
Can I borrow it? Yes! Of course! But I'm gonna have to ask you to be very careful with it.
I ordered it from the television, and it's a limited-time offer.
- It's so thick! - That might be because of the thousand banjo songs that are on it.
Track 81, that's my favourite.
Banjo Beethoven.
Oh, but then, there's Banjo Barrio.
Spicy! You kids though might like Banjo Batman.
I am sure that we will find something perfect.
Are those cookies I'm smelling, Mrs.
McKay? - Flûte! - (Shinky) Haha! Well, a thousand banjo songs, so I guess I'll check on you - around Christmas.
- What if you're killing me? Did you ever think about that? What if this is actually a thousand cuts to my souls? What if the me bleeds out and all that's left is just a muzak version of your best friend? Muzak! All in due course, my friend.
- (Banjo Beethoven playing) - Oh.
Hey, you know, my mom was right.
Banjo Beethoven - is actually pretty good.
- Good.
- (Banjo Beethoven gets louder.
) - No! No, no, no, no! You're only cheating yourself, Ian.
The life of a "music-ist" is a lonely one! There she is.
I was just telling your mother the good news.
- What? - Your dad invited your boyfriend over for dinner Saturday night.
Isn't that nice? Just shows how friendly and open-minded I am.
Cool! Naseef? - What? - Dad said he invited you over for dinner on Saturday.
He did? No, you misunderstood completely.
What I said was: I was going to invite him over for dinner once I met him for the first time, which I'm obviously doing right now.
So am I invited for dinner? Well, unless you're busy.
Then, that would be totally cool if you don't come.
- No, no, no, I would love to come.
- Great! - Great! Hahaha! - You're so weird, Dad.
- Ha! Ha! - (door closing) What was that all about? I may have invited the wrong Pakistani gentleman over for dinner.
Hmm! - It was an honest mistake.
- Come on, help me figure out - who I invited over.
- So you literally walked up to the first Pakistani man you saw Oh, goodness! Lloyd, was he even Pakistani? - (Lloyd sighs.
) - I don't know, but he had those kind of eyes that Belinda described.
- Brown? - Yes, he had brown eyes.
So, you walk up to the first guy you see with brown eyes, who may or may not be Pakistani, assume he's Naseef? How is that not racist? Well, I've just never met Nar Nel Ner Naseef.
His name's Naseef.
Okay.
It's not racist to not recognize someone you haven't met yet.
Fine.
Do any of those men - seem familiar to you? - (young men laughing) - Him! He does! - That's Naseef, Belinda's boyfriend! We played Yahtzee with him last night! Well I guess I can't do anything right.
I'm gonna get out of here before you bring up the time that I swallowed your engagement ring.
Accidentally.
(muzak playing) - How's the music treating you? - It's like a horror movie.
Some mundane psycho killer's drilling into my head.
It's not that bad.
Come on.
- It's a torture chamber.
- This might very well be - the worst pain I've ever felt.
- You're exaggerating.
I may never smile again.
- You guys have an appointment? - No, we're just here for the music.
- So, what do you think, honey? - What is all this stuff? Well, I think I recognize rice.
The little green things are rice, right? - Mm-hmm.
- But the bright, orange lumps, did you cut up a Nerf ball? It's chicken tikka.
But Safeway didn't have cumin, so I used cinnamon.
And they didn't have cardamom, so - So you used cinnamon.
- But it looks terrific, doesn't it? I had to use a lot of food colouring, but I think I got it to look exactly like the pictures.
Well, we'll all need sunglasses, but sure! And how does it taste? Oh, I don't think my palate is sophisticated enough to tell.
Mom Okay, here goes.
- Terrible? - It's the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth.
And once, I ate a deer dropping which I thought was a juniper berry.
(Helen gagging) So, a guy's coming to dinner and - you don't even know his name? - Yeah, that's my whole point.
What kind of weirdo accepts a dinner invitation from a guy he doesn't even know? What do you want me to do about it? I don't know.
Back me, be ready for anything.
(Ian scoffs.
) Ian, you realize I'm the least racist guy you'll ever meet? - Haha! - You were there that time in Banff when I bought that Black gentleman an ice cream cone.
Because you knocked the ice cream cone out of his hands! Accidentally.
And then, remember, I bought him a fresh one.
After you told him not to get all uppity about it.
- That's not a race thing.
- I tell you all the time - not to get uppity.
- Hey, can I borrow one of your Irish Rovers records.
Don't get uppity.
See, I naturally use that expression.
Honestly, I want to borrow one.
But, Ian, you hate my music.
I know.
I find it unbearable.
- Camels and some chimpanzees - (Ian gagging) - (Lloyd crying) - Cats, rats and elephants But sure as you're born, you're never gonna see - No unicorn - (Lloyd) Unicorn I did it.
I got through the whole song without puking.
I think I can listen to any music now.
Ian, that song isn't about a unicorn at all.
No, it's about a bunch of humpty-backed camels and chimpanzees, way more than just unicorns.
No, it's about all of us getting along together, two by two, despite our race, our creed, our skin.
You know, if that unicorn had gotten along with everybody, we might be riding them today.
- (Ian scoffs.
) - Yeah, like we could afford - a unicorn.
- Come on, son.
Let's go get along with some people.
- Wine, women, and song - Oh, Belinda! - Haha! Look who I found.
- (Ding dong!) - (Belinda) Hey.
- Hey, I brought you flowers.
(Helen laughing) Look who else I found.
- Ah.
- Oh! More flowers! Hahaha! Hey there! Ian! Ah, so, nice to see ya.
We're all, we're all here, all of us.
It's gonna be fun.
Uh, everybody's here.
Hahaha! So, let's, uh, let's have some dinner.
Ah, ah Who doesn't like drinks, huh? Alcoholic beverages! Wine, women, and song Dance to the music - Hey.
- Hello.
- Naseef.
- Narendra.
- You're here for dinner? - I was invited by your father.
Wine, women, and song - Dad? - Uh-huh.
- Wine, women, and song - Hmm Yep.
Eh We need to talk.
- (Ian) Ohh - (Belinda) Ahh Ooh! Is it supposed to be this colour? Whatever colour it is, it's okay with me.
Well, don't everyone dig in at once.
- No, I - I think we should wait, just in case Dad invited someone else! No, everybody I meant to invite is already here, thank you.
Oh, so you thought it was a good idea to invite your new friend over on the same night you invited Naseef? Well, I may have made one mistake.
I guess being too neighbourly can be a mistake, yes.
Looks good, Mom.
Ooh.
Hmm Oh Oh, that is hot.
That is very spicy.
Ah! - Oh! - Oh! Ah! - Oh! What the hell is that?! - That's lassi! It's a traditional Pakistani drink.
It's number one in popularity.
Mr.
McKay, can I speak with you, privately? It's a matter of great urgency.
Okay.
- You gotta cover me here, son.
- What do you want me to do? I don't know.
If I'm not out in 20 seconds, cut yourself with a knife.
- Hmm.
- No.
- Uh, what's going on? - I know the game you're playing.
Inviting a second suitor for Belinda - There's no game going on.
I gave no game.
- I'll do it.
I'll marry Belinda! What?! Who are you phoning? My father.
You and him will need to discuss the dowry, - as per tradition.
- Helen! (conversation between Naseef and his father in foreign language) - What's happening? - Ah, my father just needs to have a man-to-man discussion with your husband.
- In Urdu.
- Good grief! - Hello? - (Naseef's father speaking Urdu) Sir, I'm trying to understand you; I just I-I-I just can't understand you.
I'm sorry.
(Ian) Mom, Dad, you better get in here.
I have to go, my son may have cut himself.
(Naseef's father speaking Urdu) Belinda McKay, will you do me the great honour - of becoming one of my wives? - (Belinda giggling) (Lloyd panting) Oh, Mr.
McKay, I should thank you for offering your daughter to me.
My other wives will be so jealous.
- Lloyd! - No! Nobody's offering anybody to anybody! Daddy, is it true that you sold me for a hundred goats? - No, it is not! - I'm worth a hundred goats?! Mr.
McKay, my dad just wants to know the size - of the elephant you want.
- For what? - The ceremony! What's he doing? - What? My dad just accepted one hundred goats in exchange for my hand in marriage.
- You snooze, you lose.
- No, no, slow it down here.
- 101! - 102! Sold! (young people laughing) Okay you guys are having me on! Come on, Dad, we're just having a little fun considering how open-minded you are.
Yes, under the circumstances, - I'd say you got off easy.
- (Belinda) Yeah.
- Ha! Ha! Ha! - Yeah, those are all Belinda's.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Who has two Doug and the Slugs albums and one by Chilliwack? Can't believe I almost married her.
- (Ding dong!) - Pizza to the rescue.
(Shinky) Hey.
Hey, Melora.
Hey, uh, we are here about an apology.
- You don't have to apologize.
- What? No.
You were telling me that you were gonna apologize to her because you called her easy.
Remember? (whispering) She won't sleep with me - until you say sorry.
Please.
- I'm sorry I called you easy.
And I'm sorry I said you were gay.
Anyway, try not to queer this deal.
Now, we're even, weirdo.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What kind of party is this? - She's so hot.
- (tam-tam music playing) - It was the only Pakistani record in Woolco: Taboo Mania.
I think we could listen to this all night.
That sounds great, Mom, but maybe Ian wanted to play something.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, yes.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
Not me.
- Does anybody mind - if I play something? - Yes, please! - (Shinky) Be my guest.
- (girl) Please.
Check this out.
(upbeat rock song in foreign language) Don't make me dance alone! (Lloyd) Show you how a gentleman does it? (women laughing) - Ah! - (people laughing) Make a wish.
(Lloyd clears his throat.
) Well, at least he's not gay, we know that for sure.
Lloyd Ian, we never thought you were gay.
But if you had been our little gay boy, it would have been fine.
- Mom! - Yeah, it would have been fine with me, because I'm not "gaycist," like I'm not racist.
In fact, I'm, uh you know, loving this Pakistani music right now.
It's not Pakistani music right now.
See? I couldn't even tell 'cause I'm colour-blind.
I meant No, I'm actually, literally colour-blind.
Come on.
(upbeat rock song in foreign language) Okay, I'm going to bed.
Good night.
- High school confidential - (lovers moaning and grunting) - Seriously? - Two can play that game.
Uh! Ohh! Oh! Ohhhh! - Uh-huh! Uh-huh! - Oh yeah, punch that clock! Oh, bread! Put your bread in my toaster.
Two slices.
- Yeah, brown it good! - Cream my corn! - Oh, roast my beef! - Oh, Ian, - Feed my fish! Feed it! - Oh, Uh! What the hell is with all the fish talk? - Seriously, just feed your fish! - Wait, who's in there? - (woman moaning) - Better not be my sister.
Mom?! What the hell?! - (Melora's mom) Sorry.
- High school confidential For more on Young Drunk Punk, go to citytv.
com.