A.P. Bio (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

1 [SOFT JAZZY MUSIC.]
My girl Oprah coming through with yet another dope rec.
I know they say don't judge a book by its cover, but [GRUNTS.]
this book jacket got me feeling some kind of way.
I got so flushed reading the "about the author" that when Keith came home, I threw the book in my naughty drawer.
- BOTH: Ooh.
- Get it, Michelle.
What else you got in there? Well, my naughty drawer's just really actually Keith's normal underwear drawer.
Nothing gets my pizza oven fired up quite like my hubby's undies.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Ooh, I respect that you know what works for you.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Jack, you're always reading in here.
Want to join our book club? Oh, you should.
We're reading "The Question Is the Answer" by this hot buttered crumpet named Miles Leonard.
BOTH: Ooh.
I think you would like it, Jack.
It's philosophy, but there's, like, a point to it.
And how, pray tell, did you come by this fine piece of literature? It was Oprah's book club pick this month.
She says the best place to read it is, quote [AS OPRAH.]
"on a beach that you own.
" - Okay.
- [LAUGHTER.]
And you just follow along blindly, huh? Is that it? Well, listen to me, and listen well, okay? Philosophy is not a popularity contest, okay? It is a precise and rigorous expression of universal truths.
Yeah? It's not about who's "getting good buzz" and who's on TV on the stupid Oprah sho You know what? You've ruined my empanada! Damn, could've just said no.
Hey, Jack, guess what? Oh, you're in a bad mood.
Cool beans.
I'll tell you later.
What are you gonna tell him later, Ralph? Is it a private medical thing? No, he does not let me share that stuff with him.
But, ladies, I am a finalist for Innovative Principal of the Year.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, I'm so proud! - [ALL ENCOURAGING.]
- A little bit awesome.
Just a little bit of good news during a rough year, you know, with my marriage collapsing and - Uh, boo.
- No, please.
Durbs, don't bum us out while we're trying to dance.
Okay, you guys, well, while I have you on pause, this superintendent and her crew are coming tomorrow to observe the school and me.
So if each of you could put together an out-of-the-box presentation, something big, something memorable, something tied into your subject - Mm-hmm.
- Would really appreciate it.
Oh, I know what I'ma do.
- What is it? - Girl, I'm not telling.
You gotta get your own thing.
Ooh, we got you, Durb.
- We got you.
- Oh, I love it.
I love it.
And if I win, I'm gonna take you all to Bennigan's.
- Oh! You swear? - Hit it out the park! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [CLOCK TICKING.]
We definitely shouldn't open it.
Right? But what if it's presents? [SIGHS.]
I'm going for it.
[DRAWER OPENS.]
Fetal pigs! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Oh, my God.
- [HAPPY CLAMORING.]
This is so great.
I've been waiting my whole life to dissect a fetal pig.
- [SNIFFS.]
- Mr.
Griffin must be rewarding us for being good little angels.
Everything's starting to go my way.
Think these pigs went to Hell? Looks like there's only eight.
Eight piggy presents.
We're gonna have to pair up.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, Dan.
- You want to team up? My dad owns a butcher shop, so I know my way around the inside of a pig.
Uh, yeah, I'm down.
[SNIFFS.]
Where does Oprah even got off endorsing Miles' book? It's insane.
Unbelievable.
It's got Stedman written all over it.
That's who it was.
Get out Oh, I set up a Google Alert so we can stay on top of Miles.
- Printed that out for you, boss.
- Oh.
Well, thank you, Heather.
Nice.
What is that god-awful smell? Is that meth? I swear, the wind blows the wrong way in Ohio you get that meth whiff.
The fetal pigs are here.
We've already paired up and we'll dissect them really quietly.
You wouldn't even have to do anything.
Absolutely not.
You guys are not doing a lab in my class.
But we've been good little angels.
No, you know what we've got here? A Miles mission.
[ALL SIGH.]
Please let us dissect them, Mr.
Griffin.
Yeah, boss, you know how much I love sticking it to Miles, but this kind of means a lot.
This is literally all I've got.
I'm sorry.
What I'm gonna do is take these little piglets, and I'm gonna send them to Miles.
Totally freak him out.
It's a truly perfect Miles mission.
Mailing him pigs? Feels like it's missing a twist.
Uh, Marcus, shut up.
It's it's a solid plan.
Yeah, I don't know, Mr.
Griffin, I feel like maybe this needs a twist.
A twist? Twist.
Yeah, good point, Dan.
- I said it, twist - This could use a twist.
All right, let me go think about this.
Twist, yeah.
Have a good night, dudes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGING.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
Go for Chops.
Chops, it's Jack.
Our task rabbit's all set.
The box of pigs should arrive today, along with the T-shirt cannon, which really brings the whole plan to life.
I need you to fire in the direction of Miles Leonard, whose address I've included.
Really terrify him.
Can I just say this is, like, straight-up the sickest task I've ever had to rabbit.
So, like, you're giving me life right now, you feel me? Yeah, just get it done.
Hey, Jack, Jack? A quick word? - Yeah.
- fire that.
And then we'll just, like, ghost on that.
Hello? Hello? - Yeah, what's up, Ralph? - Well, I I'm not really sure.
Overnight, I got this anonymous note saying that you had cancelled the fetal pig dissection.
Who sent you this absurd accusation? Regardless of who sent it, is it true? Is it true? No.
Why why why would I cancel the dissection, man? I don't know, but it would be really bad timing because the superintendent's coming.
Really? Why? It's I Well, I'm up for Innovative Principal of the Year.
- You didn't know that? - You are? Listen, I planned to end her tour with a live fetal pig dissection by a former Harvard professor.
Wait, so she's coming to my class? Tomorrow? To observe? Yeah.
Oh, I can't wait.
I still can't for the life of me figure out what this note means.
Well, I'll tell you what it means.
You got pranked, my friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I'm gonna find out who the culprit is.
Believe me, yeah.
Look at me, Ralph.
I'm gonna kill whoever pranked you.
We're not supposed to kill the students.
Shh.
Hey, it's Jack.
Call me back.
I need you to return the dead pigs.
I repeat, do not blast the dead baby pigs at my British nemesis.
[YELLS.]
What? [BROODING DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
We have a rat.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, and you'll see what I mean, too.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Oh oh, well, I am so sorry to hear about your catastrophe.
Yes, Principal Durbin will be there on Wednesday to help.
Yes, and he he will bring clean water to your village.
Uh-huh.
For sure.
All right, Thursday at the latest.
Take care.
Bye.
Superintendent Bullard! You look smooth.
Ellen.
Always a pleasure.
We're so dal-gone excited for you to be here and I gotta say [WHISPERS.]
You find me a better guy than Principal Durbin and I will find you a guy who is on, like, Seal Team Six or something, because that is the guy! Hey, oh, they took your doo-hickies off.
My leg braces? Yeah, uh, I'm fully ambulatory now.
- Oh, congrats.
- Good Christ, Helen.
[EXHALES.]
Superintendent Bullard, I I am so excited to show you around.
We're excited to see the innovative school you've created.
Oh, well, our teachers think outside the box, so brace yourself.
Mm.
Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, you think you got me, huh? [BROODING MUSIC.]
One of you rats me out, you're all sitting there thinking, "I got him.
I won.
" Well, know this.
I won't be made to look like a fool in front of anyone.
Certainly not some Midwest superintendent with a degree from a religious liberal arts college.
Now, one of you is gonna come forward and confess, or you're all missing your next class.
Now, one of you sinned.
Ya sinned real bad.
Anything you want to admit, Vic? I got a boner when we learned CPR.
Oh.
Gross.
How'd your partner feel about that? - Well, I think she, like - Never mind, I Don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
I've got all the time in the world, guys.
Looks like I'm gonna have to turn up the heat.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
This is Stef Duncan, a phenomenal history teacher who endeavors to prove that if we're not careful, the past can become the future.
Thank you, Principal Durbin.
All right, now the year is A.
D.
79.
I now present - Mount Vesuvius.
- [ROUSING MUSIC.]
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Oh, Vesuvius.
I'm sure everything's gonna be okay.
Or will it? [FIZZING.]
Oh, no.
What is this, lava? "Ow, mama, my toga's burning.
" "Oh, my God, I'm dying.
" "Too much lava.
" What about the horses? "Oh, no, my sandals.
" [BROODING MUSIC.]
[SMACKING.]
I'll ask you nicely one more time.
Are you the rat? Oh, God, please, stop.
Admit it was you or your bio textbook gets it.
Huh? Fine.
Guess we'll never know the definition of "heterozygous advantage.
" Redacted.
I don't know anything! You know everything! That was the most devastating moment of my entire life.
For real? Girl, you need to read Anne Frank.
[JAUNTY CHAMBER MUSIC.]
When you think of art, think of the three important M's: Manet, Monet, and Mar-ray.
And who's Mar-ray? Why, it's art teacher extraordinaire Mary Wagner.
Art is a feast that you cook in your mind oven and serve on your heart plate.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I like art.
Take it away, Mary.
Thank you, Principal Durbin.
Art is beautiful.
Art is intense.
It's provocative.
It's subversive.
And sometimes it can be explosive.
Another volcano, huh? Okay.
[FIZZING.]
I added sparkles.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Ya welcome.
[PLAYING SAXOPHONE BADLY.]
Louder.
Jazzier.
You can stop this at any moment.
You know, people say they like jazz, but they don't.
They don't.
Less discernible melody! Yeah.
You guys like that? Can't pick out any of the notes.
That's great, man.
That sucks.
Unlike other schools, where they dress up like broccoli and rap about diet, we here at Whitlock treat health like a real class.
Take it away, Mrs.
Jones.
Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my dad! I have a crush on the track captain and I'm addicted to e-cigarettes! [BREATHES HEAVILY.]
That's what it's like to be a teenager.
So many emotions bottled up, and you have to express them all in a healthy way, - even the negative ones.
- Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Jones.
Or what can happen is - [MUSIC BUILDS.]
- Oh, my God.
A volcano! - [LIQUID POURS.]
- Ooh.
- [FIZZING.]
- Whoa! [EXCITED GROANING.]
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
Unless the rat comes forward, I will pick a phone at random and start reading your search history out loud.
Just to get ahead of it, "ISIS" is also the name of a junior women's bowling league.
Hey, that's mine, dude.
And I'm not giving you my passcode.
Oh, really? [SCOFFS.]
That's too bad.
Yo, what the hell? [SHOUTING.]
Who is the rat? [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Yello? - Jack attack.
Got your message.
Bad news though, papi.
The pigs are already gone.
Wait, you used them on Miles? - Was he freaked? - Uh, no dude.
So it turns out the cannon is kind of specifically calibrated for one type of ammunition.
And that ammunition is T-shirts and is not pigs.
So I tried to fire pigs out of it.
They kind of just 'sploded on the inside of it.
Okay, so you're telling me that the mission failed and the pigs are destroyed? I mean, I don't like to think of it Did you say the pigs are destroyed? We can't do the lab? Heather, relax.
It was me.
- I'm the rat! - It was you? Why didn't you say that an hour ago before he threw my phone? [DOOR OPENS, SHUTS.]
[PENSIVE JAZZY MUSIC.]
- I mean Dave, this does nothing for me.
- Do you understand that? You went with your first thought.
But I'm the geology teacher.
I'm the only one it makes sense for.
You boned me, Dave.
Go take a lap.
Yeah.
Go.
Eh.
Don't "eh" me.
Kfft.
And don't "kfft" either.
Ralph.
We just wanted to say we're really sorry we let you down.
Why did you all do the same thing? Well, we didn't plan to, but we all learned how to make volcanoes at the same teachers' conference last summer.
ALL: Ohio Teach-tastic! Yes, and it all was a hit for the teachers there, so we figured that it would help you win.
I understand, okay? But I really need Jack to nail this dissection tomorrow.
I mean, he and Coach and basically my last hope.
Make way for the volleyball-cano! Ralph.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
I can't believe Heather was the rat.
Stay here, guys.
I'ma go take care of this.
[DOOR OPENS.]
If Mr.
Griffin can't get the pigs back, how are we gonna perform the dissection in front of the superintendent tomorrow? We won't.
[ROUSING MUSIC.]
He'll make a fool out of himself.
And then we'll get a new teacher by Monday.
Heather's a genius.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
What in the hell are you doing? You know, I'm the one who should be mad.
You betrayed me.
You ruined everything! The hell are you talking about? You wrote the note.
And by the way, this is Michelle's car.
Mine's across the lot.
God, you don't get it! You ruined my shot with Dan.
Wait Dan Decker? Before you cancelled the lab, me and Dan were partnered up.
We were gonna spend the whole week carving up pigs and falling for each other.
Hold on a second.
So you betrayed me for some stupid high school crush? This was my chance to show him something that I'm really good at.
And now you screwed it all up.
Yeah, well now we're both screwed, 'cause I gotta go find something else to dissect or, thanks to you, I'm gonna look like a fool tomorrow.
You know, I might have hurt you on accident, but you hurt me on purpose.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- All right, everyone shut up.
Uh, apologies in advance for the brutal condition of this squirrel.
Didn't really have All right, what's the story here? This thing's beautiful.
Organs all intact.
Professionally butchered.
Ah.
I stole it from my dad's shop, boss.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Knock knock, Jack.
Here to bring the superintendent's tour to a close.
We've all got high hopes for this one.
Of course.
Welcome, everyone.
Oh, please tell me this isn't a pig volcano.
- A what? - Pig volcano.
I'm so sorry.
I'm hearing "pig volcano.
" I was told this would be a fetal pig dissection.
This is a full-grown hog.
Uh, yes.
Well, um, piglets' organs are much too small to be properly observed by the untrained eye.
But Principal Durbin gives us a lot of freedom, which Aristotle defines as "obedience to self-formulated rules.
" Now, that That's innovation.
Very innovative, yeah.
So, shall we begin? All right.
Welcome to A.
P.
Bio.
Let's begin the dissection.
Heather, if you'd care to assist the demonstration? - Sure thing, Mr.
Griffin.
- Mm-hmm.
All right.
Now, keep in mind this can be an emotionally difficult process, especially if you are working with a pig that you yourself raised.
First thing you're gonna do is hack off the snout.
It goes directly in the trash.
The customers do not want that, unless they're French.
- [KNIFE WHACKS.]
- [ALL GASP.]
[SNOUT THUDDING.]
I'm sorry.
Uh, did you say "customers"? Yeppers.
Next we're gonna hack off the hooves.
Those also go directly in the trash.
[KNIFE WHACKS.]
[MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
Mr.
Griffin.
Maybe you could explain the dissection using more standard scientific biological terms? You're right, Sarika.
Of course.
Thank you.
Uh.
[SOFT SQUELCHING.]
Behold the adrenal glands.
The part of the endocrine system responsible for producing various hormones: uh, cortisol, adrenaline, et cetera.
Now here we find them on the cephalic end of the kidneys instead of on top, which is what we would observe in humans.
[SOFTLY.]
I never said I didn't know biology.
I'm just never gonna teach it to you.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Now, we use pigs because they have the same thoracic and abdominal organs There we go.
I, uh, strongly recommend a Memphis rub on those cuts.
Mr.
Griffin, this was very informative and certainly innovative.
- Ah.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Whitlock is lucky to have you.
Ah, thank you very much.
Thank you Jack for bringing it home.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
No sweat, Ralph.
Thanks to you, I am in serious running for the Innovative Principal of the Year! Could I, uh, get a loin? [BELL RINGING.]
- Hey, yo, H -Bomb, check this crap out.
- Hey, yo, Dan Decker, hold up.
- What's up? Um, Heather could probably use a little bit of help cleaning this whole mess up.
Cool, bud? Let me guess, if I don't - I get an F? - You get an F, yeah.
Let's go.
All right.
Yo, that was pretty dope the way you sliced that pig up.
Yeah, yeah.
Guess I'm kind of a boss.
[BADFINGER'S "NO MATTER WHAT".]
No matter what you are I always be with you 'Cause no matter what [SOFT LAUGH.]
- I really suck at this.
- Yeah.
Ooh, girl, with you