Accidentally on Purpose s01e11 Episode Script

Hey, roomie.
Oh, merry Christmas.
I brought you a Danish that some crazy pregnant lady took a bite of on the way down the hall to your room.
Thanks.
You want to grab a seat? If I remember, you do enjoy a lumpy futon.
Ooh, you are 100% naked down there.
So I know it's weird we're not spending Christmas together, but trust me, you don't want to be here with my parents.
My dad was in Vietnam, and if my mom had been there with him, we would've won.
Here, Mom.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, thank you, honey.
No, Mom, James did not propose.
Congratulations.
You just ruined Christmas.
It's much better to leave the introductions for a less stressful time.
Like, say, for instance, the day the baby is born.
What are you doing? Mom and Dad will be here in T-minus seven hours.
Nothing's cooking.
The place looks like crap.
Come on, get up.
- Get up.
- All right.
You, too.
Come on.
Oh, no time to be startled by a penis.
I have too much to do! I think you and Zack doing separate Christmases is a brilliant move.
And maybe this will be the year that Nick bonds with Dad.
Ho, ho, ho! I bring you gifts from a little place I like to call my pocket.
Half a matchbook, some lint and No, those are my testicles.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
And happy Hanukkah to you, Davis.
Thank you.
I am ready to roll, dude.
So what exactly are you guys doing? Zack and I have a long-standing tradition where I take him on a surprise Christmas adventure.
Three secret locations, two handsome men, one bench warrant outstanding from last year's adventure.
I'm in your hands, Captain Hanukkah.
You know the drill.
Something dirty about to happen? Only if you come with us.
Okay, okay, okay.
Enough uncomfortable sex talk with my sister.
It's okay if there's a little.
Okay, we need to get Zack's stuff out of his bedroom right now.
What?! You promised me you would tell Mom and Dad that Zack lived here.
What kind of kooky Christmas have you got planned for me, sister? I've got an extremely kooky Christmas planned.
Because, as it turns out, I did not do that.
I did not tell them.
But you told them you were pregnant.
You told them Zack was 22.
Why wouldn't you tell them this detail? How is that going to make Zack look? "Oh, Mom, Dad, this is the father of my child.
"He was sleeping in a van, so I said, 'Come, sleep on the floor of a room of a baby.
"' I'm just not doing any more weird explanations.
Where are we going to tell them he lives? I don't know studio apartment? Make it a loft.
Okay, a loft.
He can't afford a loft, Billie.
# I can't be anything without you.
# I can't believe that you didn't tell them Zack lived here.
I can't believe you didn't tell them Nick was Canadian.
You shut your mouth about that.
- My girls! - Hi, Mom! Oh! - Mom! - Merry Chris Oh.
Oh, God.
Let me see you.
Let me see.
Oh.
Oh! Hello, little baby.
It's your grandma.
I won't judge how you came into this world.
Oh! Feel that.
Baby's first eye roll.
Eggnog? Well, it is Christmas.
Hi, Daddy.
Merry Christmas.
Well, look at you.
Doing things all out of order.
Look at you.
Insulting me before you even say hello.
Hey, I think our cab driver was a terrorist.
Cab driver?! Nick was picking you up.
I didn't see him.
What?! Billie, where's Zack? Yes, when do we get to meet Zack? In the future.
Zack's a chef, like I mentioned in my e-mail, and the restaurant he works for is opening another place out in Los Angeles.
But I'm sure he's wishing he was here.
Do you think it's messed up that Billie didn't want me to meet her parents? Dude, you have more pressing things to worry about.
Like, for instance, I am not that good a driver, and I am driving your van.
Now back to the adventure.
The two wise men were about to embark on a road trip through the desert, on their way to? Vegas.
Oh, dude.
If only the wise men had that much gas money.
Anyway they stopped, and you'll never believe who they saw.
Is this headed where I think it's headed? What's your favorite Christmas movie starring Bruce Willis and the dad from Family Matters? Die Hard.
Nothing says Christmas like chucking a German off a tall building.
Silent night, my ass.
Now, I'll be the first one to say it.
It just doesn't feel like Christmas without James.
Yes.
I'll miss those awkward back rubs you used to give him in front of the Christmas tree.
We all will.
# O come all ye faithful # # Joyful and triumphant # # O come # So, how have things been going since you broke up? Mmm It was difficult at first, but I'm okay now.
Yeah? Oh, he was so rich, he was so handsome.
I just don't think you should be okay.
Would you like it better if I said I wasn't okay? Yeah, yeah, I think I would.
Honey, where were you? I was so worried! I was at the airport.
No, you weren't.
You were late, so we took a cab.
No, but l-I wasn't late.
She saw me.
Oh, was that you? I wasn't sure.
You waved to me.
I had a sign.
"Mr.
And Mrs.
Chase.
" She does that to everyone.
It's a holdover from her pageant days.
Oh, now, isn't that just the darnedest thing? Edward, I told you I thought that was Nick.
There's so many scams.
Mom, people aren't always trying to scam you or pull the wool over your eyes.
- Billie.
- Hmm? What's this men's deodorant doing in here? That's mine.
Pregnancy.
Stinky.
Dude, why the long face? Ah, man, th-this is great.
It's just, I was kind of hoping to spend Christmas this year with Billie.
I feel you, dude, but I don't think they let pregnant chicks onto shooting ranges.
At least not outside of Georgia.
So, what do the wise men do now, bungee-jump into a whorehouse? No.
But noted for next year.
My friend, we are about to step into the happiest place on Earth.
Ta-da! You get to pick out any Christmas tree on the lot.
It's a pot farm.
Dude, that's not how you say it.
You say, "It's a pot farm!" Honey, we're going to be short one chair.
You still keep the extra one in the closet? No, no, no, no! Um Nick likes to stand.
Weirdo.
Not a lighter, not a match, nothing.
What's this? It's from Billie and "Unborn Baby No-Name.
" Oh, that's so sweet.
Please make it be a lighter.
Please make it be a lighter.
Oh, they're cigars to hand out for when the baby's born.
Great! More things we can't smoke.
"It's hard to find the perfect present "for the man who gave me the most amazing gift of all.
I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
" What do you do when you meet the coolest girl you're ever going to meet and you're only 22? Keep looking.
I'm just kidding, man.
I get it.
Give me the nutcracker.
And your nut.
So, uh, uh, about my new business venture, you know how hard it is to eat yogurt when you're driving? No, hold on just a second.
Let me stop watching this football game so I can talk to you about yogurt.
This is the longest I've seen Nick stand next to Dad without hyperventilating.
I know.
I promised Nick I would let him handcuff me if he would just talk to Dad.
This is a weird Christmas.
Billie.
Billie? L- I found a pair of men's underwear in the hamper.
Has there been a man here that I don't know about? They're Nick's.
He does that every time he comes over here.
Weirdo.
Thank you for marrying Nick.
You're welcome.
We are so getting through this day.
And we haven't heard: "Congratulations.
You just ruined Christmas.
" I know! We turned what used to be a horrifying family ritual into an uncomfortably forced social gathering we can barely tolerate.
It's a Christmas miracle! No.
No, no, this is all us.
We made this happen.
I mean, as far as Mom and Dad know, Zack is a reputable, hot, up-and-coming chef living in a loft far away in Los Angeles.
That ain't no miracle, baby.
That is all us.
Dude, I don't know where this next place is that you're taking me, but it smells like old people in here.
Ta-da! Wow, this is great! Zack made it all the way back from L.
A.
, and he's covered in holiday cheer? It's mistletoe.
In my day they called that grass.
Yeah, I'm just going to go change my clothes.
Or-or-or-or you're just going to dust off the clothes you have here, 'cause all your clothes are at your place.
Ah, yes.
That is true.
I forgot.
You forgot where you keep your clothes? - Follow me.
Follow me.
Follow me.
Follow me.
- Yeah, I Well, I can see where Billie gets her shapely legs.
And her icy stare.
Don't you love how Nick isn't wearing any drugs? What are you doing here? I don't know.
What am I doing here? Dude, you were getting all sentimental in the van, so I thought you wanted to be here to spend Christmas with Billie.
So, here she is.
Merry Christmas.
And "God bless us every one.
" Screw that.
We had a plan.
Yeah, what part of the plan involves all my stuff being gone? The beginning part, where I told my parents you didn't live here.
Well, where did you tell them I live? In a rent-controlled studio loft.
No elevator, but you don't mind 'cause it's close to shops and restaurants.
Oh, that's nice.
I don't understand why you would lie about me.
I'm a good guy.
L- I go to the doctors' appointments, I make you eat your spinach, I rub your Hobbit-like pregnancy feet.
You know, I would think that parents would be okay with that.
Look, my mom had this vision of my life where I'm married and respectable and that's all blown to hell.
And my dad is a retired Marine, who does everything by the book, and there is no book for this.
So, I told a teeny, tiny white lie, which entailed me and Abby shoving all of your stuff into a closet.
Now, you can go out there and tell them the truth, or you can hop on the parental deception train, which will be running for another two hours.
All aboard.
If that's what you want me to do, I'll do it.
Also, I did not expect your dad to look like an angry giant.
Spread 'em.
And we're back.
I was just telling Mom and Dad about Zack's cute studio apartment.
- Loft.
It's a loft.
- Loft.
Loft.
Uh Mr.
And Mrs.
Chase, I'd like to start over.
That was really embarrassing.
You know what? I say, sweetheart, that we should just let bygones be bygones.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen? Will bygones be bygones in the kitchen? Kitchen, kitchen, kitchen, kitchen.
Are those Figueroas? Uh, yeah.
They're a gift from a friend.
Yeah? That's my brand.
Where can we go to smoke these? On the roof.
Good.
I wanted to talk to you, anyway.
Alone.
How about the stoop instead? Roof sounds good.
Go up there with them.
Oh, no, l-I don't like cigars.
They they make me throw up.
You go up there, and you smoke a cigar, and you act like a man.
Dumped a rich, handsome businessman for Dennis the gosh darn Menace? That is not how it went, Mom.
I dated James for three years.
He didn't want to marry me.
Oh, that's lazy talk.
What?! So, what's your story, Zack? Uh, well, you you already know about my rent-controlled studio loft.
No elevators, though.
That's hard.
Hey I know you live downstairs.
What do you think I am, a moron? I was hoping.
And no one's going to put up with that ruse unless they're really in love.
I've been married 40 years.
Trust me I know.
"Because I can't be there today.
Love, Zack.
" "Mom "Dad Unborn Baby No-Name.
" So do you love my daughter or what? Well, I'm lying to a very large ex-Marine on top of a very tall building because she asked me to.
So, since you're not a moron, you probably already know that I do.
The way this whole thing happened, l- I know it's not by the book, but in a few months, I'm going to be the father of your grandchild, and I'm going to be around a long time, no matter what you think of me.
You know what I think of you? I think you got balls.
And I like the fact that you're willing to lie to me to make my daughter happy.
God.
Why don't they just make out already? Forget about them.
Tell me about your idea.
Do you ever get stuck in traffic? Yeah, all the time.
And do you ever want to eat yogurt? Dude, get out of my head.
So, how was it upstairs? It was great.
L- I got a lot of encouragement about my automo-gurt.
- From Dad? - No, from Davis.
Okay.
Well, that's a step up from nobody.
James, would you pass the yams? Oh, I'm sorry.
You're not James.
So, what do you do? The question is: What do I don't? What the hell does that mean? What the hell doesn't that mean? Um I would like to apologize in the form of a toast.
An "apolog-oast", if you will.
Mom, Daddy, I lied.
Zack lives here.
He sleeps on a futon in the nursery.
I didn't want to tell you, because I was worried about what you would think of me, and I was worried about what you would think of Zack.
But none of that matters, because all that matters is what I and Unborn Baby No-Name think of Zack.
And we think he's wonderful.
Zack, I can't wait till next Christmas, when we can hang these stockings as a family.
Then I can have some real eggnog.
And I hope that you forgive me for lying to you, 'cause Christmas is all about forgiveness.
And ham.
Well, mostly ham.
So, Zack, do you forgive me? I'll do you one better than that.
What is happening? What is happening? Oh, my God! Dude, I'm way too high for this.
Billie I love you.
Will you marry me? Congratulations.
You just ruined Christmas.
This is so unexpected.
My whole life, I always wondered what it would be like to hear those words, and I just did, and my head is spinning, and my ring is a cigar band, and I'm overwhelmed.
So am I.
Okay, look, I've tried to do what you want and keep boundaries between us, but I love you.
You're funny, and you're sexy, and you sleep down the hall, and you're carrying my baby.
And I know I don't make a lot of money, but I can sell some stuff, and I'm taking a course on eBay right now to Is that a "yes"? That's "I don't know.
" Can't wait for the "yes" kiss.
It smells so woodlandy fresh in here.
Do you have one of those little air fresheners that looks like a tree? Yep.
All right.
Behold, the invention revolutionizing the mobile consumption of fermented dairy: The automo-gurt.
Okay, so once the cup is in place, - you simply push this button, - Yeah.
And the spring-Ioaded arm gently