According To Jim s01e11 Episode Script

HEY, JIM JIM! SHH! THE GAME HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET! WE HAVE TO ESTABLISH A POLICY.
LAST TIME, YOU DISTRACTED ME WITH STUFF THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAME.
I WAS CHOKING ON A CHICKEN BONE.
AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, LAST TIME THE BEARS WON, THE BOWLS WERE JUST LIKE THIS.
YOU MEAN HALF-EMPTY WITH YOUR BIG SAUSAGE FINGERS IN THEM? [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
THAT'S GREAT, DANA.
PIECE OF CHICKEN? OH, THAT IS NOT FUNNY.
I ALMOST DIED, YOU KNOW-- [PRETEND CHOKING.]
YOU WERE COUGHING LIKE A CHICKEN.
KICKOFF! OKAY, YOU GUYS, I'M TAKING RUBY TO BALLET.
REMEMBER, SHE HAS THAT RECITAL COMING UP.
YEAH.
KYLE'S ASLEEP.
GRACIE'S UPSTAIRS PLAYING WITH HER FRIENDS EMMA AND MADISON.
OKAY.
DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL BE FINE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'LL EVEN HEAR A PEEP OUT OF THEM.
OKAY.
AND WE'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
BYE-BYE, GUYS.
BYE-BYE.
ALL RIGHT! YEAH! [GIRLS SHRIEKING UPSTAIRS.]
FIRST DOWN.
NOW YOU CAN [GIRLS SHRIEKING.]
[WOOF.]
CHERYL! CAN YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE KIDS? HAH! OH, BABY.
[SHOUTING REPETITIVELY.]
OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO! DID YOU SEE THAT? [SHOUTING AND POUNDING ON PIANO CONTINUING.]
ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! THIS IS WHY I'M NOT MARRIED! YEAH, RIGHT.
THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NOT MARRIED.
IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS, TOO.
YOU WANNA GO TO A SPORTS BAR? YEAH.
WAIT.
JIM, YOU CAN'T GO.
WHY NOT? THEY'RE YOUR KIDS! NOT ALL OF THEM.
THEY'RE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
YEAH, RESPONSIBILITY-- THERE'S A RACKET.
GOODBYE, JIM! HEY, HEY, MADISON, MADISON, MADISON, MADISON, STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN LIKE THAT.
GRACIE, GRACIE, GRACIE, STOP BARKING LIKE A DOG AND LEAVE GARY SINISE ALONE, PLEASE! AND YOU-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? EMMA.
EMMA, STOP BANGING ON THAT THING, PLEASE.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH-- FAKES THE DRAW TO THOMAS.
LOOKING UPFIELD, HE'S GOT A MAN GO, GO, GO-- HE'S WIDE OPEN! LETS IT FLY CATCH IT! AND IT IS INTERCEPTED ATMIDFIELD.
NO! I THINK THIS IS HARPER STOP HIM! STOP HIM NOW! NO! HE'S GOT CLEAR SAILING, FOLKS.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA CATCH HIM TODAY.
TOUCHDOWN--OH, BABY! [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO? OH, HI, DOROTHY.
HEY, DID MADISON HAVE FUN HERE YESTERDAY? SHE DID? WELL, COME ON.
HOW BAD A WORD CAN IT BE? I MEAN, SHE'S ONLY--OH.
WOW.
THAT IS BAD.
UM, GEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
I WAS HERE WITH THEM FOR MOST OF THE TIME, AND THEN I LEFT THEM WITH DOROTHY, CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT? YEAH, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.
HEY, LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE LUNCH SOMETIME, BECAUSE-- [DIAL TONE.]
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? THAT WAS MADISON'S MOTHER.
APPARENTLY MADISON'S BEEN SAYING A NEW WORD SINCE SHE WAS HERE YESTERDAY.
WHAT WORD? WELL, APPARENTLY, SHE SAID [GRINDING.]
THAT'S TWO WORDS.
YEAH.
LET'S SEE I LEFT THEM WITH JIM, YOU GUYS LEFT, AND THE BEARS WERE ON.
HMM.
I WONDER WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU MARRY A ST.
BERNARD, YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SLOBBER.
WELL, HELLO, MY SUGARPLUMS.
DADDY! DADDY! OH, MY GOSH.
DID YOU GIRLS GET MORE BEAUTIFUL SINCE I LEFT THIS MORNING? YES.
YES.
DID YOU BRING US SOMETHING FROM WORK? YES, I DID.
FOR YOU, I HAVE A PAD OF PAPER.
AND FOR YOU, A COFFEE MUG THAT SAYS "ANDY.
" YOU MEAN IT TALKS? YES, IT DOES.
AND SO DOES THE PAD OF PAPER.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GO UPSTAIRS AND, UHLISTEN TO THEM? BUT YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE THEM A MINUTE BECAUSE THEY'RE SHY.
YAY! YAY! [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
YELLO? OH, HI, DOROTHY.
THAT'S MY NEW GREETING-- YOU LIKE IT? "YELLO!" OH.
WELL, SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT A LOT.
UH, REALLY? OH, UHYEAH-- NO, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YEAH.
NO PROBLEM.
I'LL TELL HER.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, UH, THAT WAS MADISON'S MOTHER.
SHE JUST CALLED TO THANK ME FOR APOLOGIZING.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? ABOUT SWEARING IN FRONT OF MADISON.
HONEY, YOU REALLY HAVE TO WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
SO YOU APOLOGIZED FOR SOMETHING I SUPPOSEDLY SAID IN FRONT OF MADISON? YEAH.
AND I BROUGHT HER A PLATE OF COOKIES.
COOKIES?! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL HER THAT I WAS AN IDIOT? I DID--WHEN I GAVE HER THE COOKIES.
COOKIES?! OKAY, CHERYL.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT WORD WAS IT THAT I SUPPOSEDLY SAID? YOU SAID [GRINDING.]
THAT'S TWO WORDS.
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST WENT AND APOLOGIZED.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK ME.
AND THEN TO DO IT WITH COOKIES? YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT REALLY HURTS, CHERYL.
WHAT KIND WERE THEY? DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHIP.
DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHIP? THOSE COOKIES SHOULD'VE NEVER LEFT THIS HOUSE! CHERYL HOW CAN YOU JUST AUTOMATICALLY BELIEVE HER? WELL, HONEY, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU SAY THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE OR WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING OR, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU MISS A BELT LOOP.
OH, SON OF A-- SEE? HONEY LOOK, MADISON COULD HAVE PICKED THAT WORD UP FROM ANYBODY.
EVERYBODY SWEARS.
IT'S LIKE PEEING IN THE SHOWER.
WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON.
WHY DIDN'T EMMA'S MOTHER CALL? WHY ISN'T GRACIE RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE USING THOSE WORDS? DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE MADISON PICKED IT UP FROM HER OWN FATHER? I MEAN, HE'S A TRUCK DRIVER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
BYRON KIM IS NOT A TRUCK DRIVER.
HE'S A VIOLINIST.
VIOLINIST! PLEASE--THEY'RE THE WORST.
JIM! CHERYL, COME ON.
YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE OTHER PERSON'S SIDE.
YOU ALWAYS PRESUME THAT I'M THE ONE THAT SCREWED UP.
AND WHEN YOU PRESUME, YOU MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME! THAT'S NOT THE SAYING.
IT'S A SAYING? CHERYL Y-Y-Y-YOU ALWAYS TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S SIDE.
YOU DO.
YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW WE'RE A TEAM HOW WE SHOULD STAND UP FOR EACH OTHER AND YOU DON'T DO THAT FOR ME.
HEY, HONEY, WHERE YOU GOING? DINNER'S ALMOST READY.
CHERYL I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT DOWN FOR DINNER.
BUT IN CASE I DO, I WANT CHICKEN PARMESAN.
WE'RE HAVING SALMON.
AND MASHED POTATOES? RICE.
I SEE.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SEND THE PIZZA BOY UP TO THE BEDROOM? AND MAKE SURE HE KNOCKS THIS TIME.
AUNT DANA, CAN I HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR COFFEE? YEAH, SURE, HONEY.
DANA, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT.
WHAT? THERE'S NO SUGAR IN IT.
ICK.
HEY, JIM.
COFFEE? THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU? OHI'M OKAY.
YEAH, I CAME UP TO TALK LAST NIGHT, BUT YOU WERE ALREADY ASLEEP.
DID I FINISH THE PIZZA? EVERY LAST PIECE.
GOOD.
'CAUSE I WAS MAKING A STATEMENT.
MMM.
WHAT KIND OF STATEMENT? IF I COULD HAVE FOUND THE WORDS, I WOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THE PIZZA.
YOU KNOW, JIM, I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT ABOUT US BEING PARTNERS AND THAT YOU NEEDED MY SUPPORT.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
YEAH? YEAH.
OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO WATCH TV.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
STAY HERE.
I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GIRLS TO SEE WHEN A WOMAN IS WRONG AND THE MAN IS RIGHT.
[LAUGHS.]
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU EITHER.
YOU'RE DRINKING MY SPIT.
MMM.
NOW, SEE, I THINK THIS IS A TIME WHEN A LESSER MAN MIGHT SWEAR, BUT NOT ME, SEE, BECAUSE THE CHILDREN ARE HERE.
AND WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE HERE, I DON'T DO THAT KIND OF THING, 'CAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO PICK IT UP.
CHERYL, I AM GLAD YOU ARE HERE TO WITNESS IT.
AND, DANA, NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD ABOUT PUTTING MY EARWAX ON YOUR CINNAMON BUN.
YOU'RE BLUFFING.
AM I? [CHUCKLES.]
COME ON, RUBY.
LET'S GO GET YOUR STUFF READY FOR SCHOOL.
OH, BOY, THIS IS A GOOD DAY.
[CLATTERING.]
OH [DOG BARKS.]
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT WORD, HONEY? DADDY.
WELL, AT LEAST SHE USED IT RIGHT.
Dana: CHERYL! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
ARE YOU GONNA BELIEVE A 3-YEAR-OLD? I'M 4.
REALLY? WHEN DID YOU TURN 4? ON MY BIRTHDAY.
THAT CHECKS OUT.
LISTEN, COME ON.
SHE DIDN'T PICK THAT WORD UP FROM ME.
YES, I DID, DADDY.
YOU SAID IT WHEN YOU WERE WATCHING FOOTBALL.
OHH, MAN.
DANA MM-HMM? PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T TELL CHERYL.
OH, WHY NOT, JIM? I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GIRLS TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN THE WOMAN IS RIGHT AND THE MAN IS WRONG.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S GOOD FOR ME, TOO.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? HOW ABOUT YOU PAY ME THE $500 YOU STILL OWE ME? YOU WANTED THAT BACK? YOU WRITE ME A CHECK RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA GO IN THERE AND SPILL.
DANA, I CAN'T DO THAT.
CHERYL'S GOT THE CHECKBOOK.
HER PURSE IS RIGHT OVER THERE.
DANA, I AM NOT GONNA GO INTO HER PURSE.
WE HAVE A LITTLE THING IN THIS FAMILY CALLED "TRUST.
" WATCH THE DOOR.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PURSE? I WAS, UH, LOOKING FOR THE, UH APRICOT LIP REMEDY.
MMM! APRICOTY! ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE RUBY TO SCHOOL.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I'M GONNA TAKE HER TO THE WORK SITE WITH ME TODAY.
WHY? BECAUSE I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME SHE LEARNED WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING.
SHE CAN'T GO ON BELIEVING THAT I'M REALLY AN ASTRONAUT.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
I HAVE TO GO PEE.
THERE'S A BUCKET IN THE TRUCK, HONEY.
YAY! HEY, JIM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY "ANDY" COFFEE MUG? UH, YEAH, I GAVE IT TO RUBY.
MY COLLEGE PROFESSOR GAVE THAT TO ME WHEN I GRADUATED.
HIS NAME WAS ANDY, TOO.
OH, HOW SWEET.
I'LL BE SURE AND TELL RUBY.
HEY, PUMPKIN NOSE.
HEY [DRILLING.]
DID SHE JUST SAY YEAH.
GRACIE NOW, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS IN THE TRUCK.
I TOLD YOU THAT IS A VERY BAD WORD AND WE ARE NEVER TO SAY THAT.
EVEN DAD CAN'T SAY THAT, EVEN IF THE BEARS ARE LOSING, OKAY? CAN I HAVE A DOUGHNUT? YES, HONEY, YOU CAN.
GO AHEAD.
OHH, ANDY, SHE'S GONNA ALWAYS SAY THAT WORD.
NO, SHE WON'T.
YES.
SHE'S MY DAUGHTER.
IT'S IN THE BLOOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU KNOW, ONE TIME WHEN MY DAD CAUGHT ME SMOKING, HE PULLED OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES-- MADE ME SMOKE THEM ALL RIGHT THERE.
I'VE NEVER TOUCHED A CIGARETTE SINCE, AND I'M A LOT BETTER OFF FOR IT.
GRACIE, COME ON IN! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I'M GONNA DO WITH GRACIE WHAT YOUR DAD DID WITH YOU.
OKAY.
I GOT A PACK OF CIGARETTES IN THE DRAWER.
WITH SWEARING.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
I GOT A DOUGHNUT WITH SPRINKLES ON IT.
OH, GRACIE, I WAS KINDA SAVING THAT FOR MYSELF.
HERE.
[CHUCKLES.]
OH, PRINCESS, YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN.
COME HERE, GRACIE.
YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S PLAY A GAME.
REMEMBER THAT WORD I TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T SAY? UH-HUH.
WELL, YOU CAN SAY IT A WHOLE BUNCH-- AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
YAY! OKAY, BUT YOU CAN'T STOP UNTIL I TELL YOU TO STOP.
OKAY.
OKAY.
READY SETGO.
[DRILLING AND HAMMERING.]
LOOK AT GRACIE, HUH? SHE'S BEEN AN ANGEL.
SHE HASN'T SAID THAT WORD IN FIVE DAYS.
WE DID IT, JIM.
WILL YOU STOP THAT? I JUST LOVE THIS PIECE.
IS THIS DEBUSSY? I DON'T KNOW.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHECK THE BIG BOOK OF CRAP I DON'T CARE ABOUT.
Shh! My son's dancing.
Oh, that's right.
Your son is dancing.
VERY NICE, ROLAND.
YOU HEAR THAT? ROLAND.
RUBY? YAY, RUBY! RUBY IS GOING TO SHOW US HOW TO DO A PIROUETTE.
PIROUETTE-- THAT'S A COOKIE.
Shut up! GO, BABY, GO.
OH [SOUR NOTES ON PIANO.]
YOU KNOW, ROLAND SAID THAT WORD YESTERDAY.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WOULD COME FROM A GUY LIKE YOU.
YEAH, NICE GOING.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! DON'T TALK TO MY HUSBAND THAT WAY.
CHERYL, CHERYL, PLEASE, IT'S OKAY.
NO, JIM.
EVERYBODY'S STARING AT YOU.
CHERYL, I'M AN ATTRACTIVE MAN.
NOW, CALM DOWN.
NO.
WE'RE A TEAM, AND I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING.
I SEE THE WAY YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM, LIKE HE SWEARS IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, NOBODY SETS A BETTER EXAMPLE FOR HIS CHILDREN THAN MY HUSBAND.
HE IS A COMPASSIONATE, CARING, HONEST MAN.
THAT'S ME.
AND I WILL NOT SIT HERE QUIETLY WHILE YOU JUDGE HIM.
SO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO POINT A FINGER, INSTEAD OF POINTING IT LIKE THIS, WHY DON'T YOU TRY POINTING IT LIKE THIS? EXCEPT I'M YOU RIGHT NOW.
AND IT DOESN'T FEEL VERY GOOD, DOES IT? DID YOU EVEN STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE MY DAUGHTER LEARNED THAT WORD FROM ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN, WHO PROBABLY HEARD IT FROM YOU OR YOU OR YOU? I HEARD IT FROM GRACIE.
I HEARD IT FROM DADDY.
ISN'T MY WIFE HOT? [SIGHS.]
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
GO UPSTAIRS.
I WANT TO TALK LOUD TO YOUR FATHER.
NO, NO, NO, GIRLS, STAY RIGHT THERE.
CHERYL, THEY'RE GONNA BE GONE ONE DAY, AND WE'RE GONNA WISH WE HAD THIS TIME BACK.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA PROTECT YOU, JIM.
GIRLS COME HERE, SLEEPY BABY.
AT LEAST LET ME HAVE THE BOY.
GO AHEAD.
I CAN TAKE YOU OUT AND STILL CATCH KYLE BEFORE HE HITS THE FLOOR.
YOU KNOW, I'M WILLING TO TAKE THAT CHANCE, BUT IT'S OUR ONLY BOY.
ALL RIGHT, JIM.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
CHERYL, BEFORE YOU START YELLING, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS, OKAY? NOW, LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE REALLY EMBARRASSED BACK THERE.
ANDIN A WAY, I BLAME MYSELF.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THE FUNNY THING IS THAT AS BAD AS YOU FELT IS AS GOOD AS I FELT.
CHERYL, LISTEN TO ME.
HEAR ME OUT.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING NOW.
I JUST-- YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? I'VE SCREWED UP IN MY LIFE, GOTTEN IN A LOT OF TROUBLE, SAID THINGS, DONE THINGS, WORN THINGS AND-AND NOBODY NOBODY'S EVER STOOD UP FOR ME LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, NOT MY MOM, MY DAD-- NOBODY.
DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL? IT MAKES ME FEEL THAT I'M NOT ALONE.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A GUY WORTH DEFENDING.
AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I JUST ADORE YOU, HONEY.
I JUST THINK YOU'RE, LIKE, THE COOLEST CHICK EVER.
I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY COOL, TOO.
YEAH? I'M FEELING VERY CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU? YEAH? I'M THINKING MAYBE WE CAN GET INTO SOME VERY HOT, STEAMY LASAGNA! OH, JIM, YOU ARE SUCH A [WOOF WOOF.]
[GASPS.]
MOMMY! HEY, GRACIE, YOU WANNA HEAR A NEW WORD?! WE'RE EVEN.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Shh! Shh! Come in! Hey.
Hey.
How much do I owe you? $13.
75.
Okay.
Here's $14.
Keep the change.
Thanks.
Hey, that's not seven different kinds of meat.
Yes, it is.
Baloney! It's bacon Bratwurst.
bratwurst Canadian bacon, bacon bits pepperoni-- that's four.
Steak-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO ARE YOU? OH, CHERYL, THIS IS RONNIE.
RONNIE, THIS IS CHERYL.
OKAY.
YOU CAN LET YOURSELF OUT.
HE'S GOT A KEY.
UGH.