All In The Family s01e11 Episode Script

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From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ sniffs .]
Mmm, my, that smells good.
Mm-hmm.
No, ma, don't open it.
It'll fall.
Oh.
You know, this is the first time That I've made something different for Sunday breakfast Since before I got married.
How does it feel being creative again ? Oh, good, I guess.
But I don't know.
I think your father's gonna feel like a Guinea pig.
And I'm not so sure he'll like it.
He'll have to accept it.
That's what women's liberation is all about.
You're an individual, too, and you have to be free to do your own thing.
I suppose.
Gee, I've enjoyed this, ma.
Working with you and talking.
Why, this is the first real heart-to-heart we've had maybe ever.
That's right.
It's been really great 'cause we've been talking like friends.
Yeah, we worked ourselves up from mother and daughter.
Oh, ma, that's lovely.
You know what's nice, ma ? I've told you things today I never ever told anybody Except my very best girlfriends.
Really ? Yeah.
Gloria, come here.
Sit down.
Yeah, ma ? You got some intimate girl stuff you're gonna share with me ? Well, nothing that I'd write to dear Abby about.
Do you know that once I kissed a boy For 11 and a half minutes nonstop ? - Mother, no.
- It was a contest.
His name was Scott flenderhook.
Oh, we-- we could have gone for 15 minutes, only he had one bucktooth.
I got a shootin' pain from my upper lip to my right temple.
Well, did you win the contest ? Oh, yeah.
The only couple that came close Was Lucy shinado and Melvin pransky.
Lucy had spaghetti for dinner, with butter and garlic.
So after nine minutes, they had to pull 'em apart.
You know, because Melvin was turning green.
That's a funny story, ma.
I'm glad you shared it with me.
Who's sharin' what with who ? Good morning, Archie.
Morning, daddy.
Ma just told me the funniest story-- about how we met ! You remember, Archie.
It was in the puritan may coffee shop.
Oh, yeah, you was with that guy flenderhook With the bicuspid out to there.
Kissin' him must have been like kissin' a nail.
Though you swore to me you never done it.
[ Sniffs .]
What you got in here ? Daddy, no ! What the hell is in there ? You'll see.
[ Timer bell dings .]
Oh, it's done.
We can take it out now.
Just wait, Archie.
You're gonna like it.
It's your breakfast.
Bacon souffle ! I ain't gonna eat none of that.
What happened to my eggs over easy and my crispy bacon ? Well, Gloria and I were talking about creative cooking, and she found this recipe right on the egg carton.
See ? "A cheerful change from the humdrum morning fare.
" You're a pip, you know that ? What day of the week is this ? Sunday.
What do I have for breakfast every Sunday of my life, Edith ? [ Sighs .]
Prune juice, just six ounces; eggs over easy, drain the grease; bacon crispy, drain the grease; toast, three slices, buttered lightly; And coffee.
Mountain-grown.
Right.
And I don't need no cheerful change from the humdrum morning fare You just "emunerated.
" Give me a regular Archie bunker breakfast.
That's all I want.
Eggs over here, bacon over there.
You can send that souffle back to Charles de gaulle.
Daddy, Charles de gaulle's dead.
That's right.
And I need a souffle about as much as he does.
Boy, oh, boy, a woman sure has no chance to express herself around you.
It's as if she were in prison.
She can't grow, can't change.
She's second-class, half a person.
Hold it there, little girl.
Them ain't your words.
Where are you getting all that from ? Oh, Gloria has been reading a book about women's lib.
Oh, jeez.
Three books, daddy, and I didn't read them, I devoured them.
Not only that, I had Michael read them too.
Mike ? It ain't enough that he's a pinko and an atheist.
You're gonna turn him from a man into a "morphodite.
" What's a "morphodite" ? A freak with a little too much of each and not enough of neither.
Michael isn't like you, daddy.
He's open-minded and flexible.
He recognizes-- and you better recognize too-- that women are individuals, your wife is an individual.
She's entitled to the same rights and privileges as you.
Edith, are you listening to this over here ? A dreaded disease is "infilterating" our home, and your daughter's bringing it in here.
Next she'll have you prancing around in hot pants and burning your brassieres.
Oh, no, Archie.
I'm afraid of fire.
Even when I was a little girl, I couldn't toast marshmallows.
I heard the story, so get off it.
Somebody else had to put it in the fire.
Stifle that, will you ! And then I would pick it off the twig.
Will you stifle that ! Daddy, you just stop that and let mother do her thing.
I'm waiting for her to do her thing, and her thing on a Sunday morning is eggs over easy and crispy bacon.
And drainin' the grease off.
I'll fix it for you right away, Archie.
Please ! Mother, no ! "Mother, no" ? What is she doing anyway ? Submitting to him, that's what she's doing.
Submitting to her king, her ruler, her lord and master.
Gee, I couldn't have said that better myself.
You're into that women's lib thing, huh ? We was into it, and now we're out of it.
Will you tell your wife to stop putting fancy ideas into her mother's head 'Cause they don't belong there.
It's like puttin' lace on a bowlin' ball.
Mother, how can you just lie down and be stepped on this way ? Well, I'm not lying down.
And I don't feel like I'm being stepped on.
I'll get your eggs, Archie.
You see what you're doing to her ? You're choking her spirit, her entire personality.
Here's a woman who will never ever realize her full potential, and it's all because of you, daddy.
I just wanna eat.
Tell him, Michael.
Tell him what he's doing to her.
It's none of my business.
The oppressed blacks are your business.
Discrimination against puerto ricans and Jews and poles And every other minority is your business.
- What about discrimination against women ? - It's not the same thing.
How can you say that ? You read the books.
Yes, I read the books, but that doesn't mean I buy the whole bag.
Yes, I believe women should have equal job opportunities.
Yes, I believe they should have equal pay.
You better believe in it.
But I don't believe in a woman opening up her big mouth around the house.
So shut up, will you ! Like hell I will ! Gloria bunker ! Her name's not bunker.
It's stivic.
Don't be swearing around the house, Gloria bunker.
- Her name's Gloria stivic.
- Whatever.
Oughta be ashamed of herself, swearing around the house, and in front of her mother, and on a Sunday morning, and, Edith, I'm hungry ! I think you ought to be ashamed.
You and my husband, who I thought I knew, and now I see I don't.
I'm gonna tell you something about my mother and me.
You do not own us.
We are free and equal human beings Who represent half the population of this earth, the female population.
And we're tired of being exploited by men, tired of you holding us down and then keeping us back.
If you continue to exploit us, we're gonna rise up against you someday Like our black sisters and our chicano sisters And all the other oppressed sisters ! I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but you men better believe it ! [ Sobbing .]
Edith, I cannot have my Sunday mornings ruined this way.
I've never seen her get like that.
What time of the month is it ? No, it ain't that, Archie.
She's really upset.
That was quite a scene you put on down there.
It's not funny, Michael.
I may not be able to express it well, but you know what women's lib means to me.
How could you say those things to me down there ? Because you know how upset I've been all weekend about my grades.
I'm uptight about them.
They're coming in tomorrow's mail.
My whole scholarship depends on them.
We're talking about me and my problems now.
Why can't you see how much this means to me ? Uh, look, Gloria, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little nervous, that's all.
But you know how I feel about equality between the sexes.
I'm not sure anymore.
How do you feel ? I believe in total equality between man and woman.
But that equality can only come about when the female partner Is willing to confess her total inferiority.
I'm your equal as soon as I admit to you That I'm totally inferior ? Yes.
You're insane, Michael ! You're out of your head ! Wait a second.
Gloria, you're upset because you forgot I don't really think women are inferior.
It's just a game, a game dictated by nature.
Didn't I ever explain this to you before ? Sit down, I'll explain it to you again.
You, the woman, come to me, the man, and you admit that you're weaker, more needful and you're inferior.
Oh, no ! The minute you admit to me that you're inferior, my maleness is satisfied, I can immediately elevate you to a level of complete equality.
But, Michael-- wait a second.
Don't you see that you gotta let me, the male, make the decision ? Then we're forever equal, and the question doesn't have to come up again.
Don't you remember me explaining this to you ? My male-female game plan.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that.
I remember that now.
That was the night of our engagement party.
Right.
There you go.
You found a bottle of wine, and after everyone was gone, we sat on the floor in front of a gooseneck lamp, pretending it was a fireplace.
Oh, yeah.
We're sober now, Michael, and we're older.
And I do not want to say I'm inferior.
That is dumb.
That is not dumb ! That is the essence of the whole male-female relationship.
Then I suppose I'm too dumb to see it.
You said it, not me.
You don't take me seriously.
Why should you ? We women, we're nothing but sex objects.
What's wrong with that ? Michael ! I should be that lucky ! One more dumb joke, and I'm leaving you.
You understand that ? I'm leaving you on the next dumb joke.
You would do that, wouldn't you ? Knowing how uptight I am about my grades, knowing that my whole future depends on it, you would do that.
You did it again.
We're back to you and your problem.
That's right, because my problem involves our whole future together.
It's more important than yours ! Because I'm only a woman.
That's the way men feel-- your problems are always greater than ours.
Well ? And the declaration of independence says we're all created equal.
Ha ! It says all men are created equal.
The declaration of independence says nothing about women ! If that's as much as I mean to you, if that's as serious as you're gonna take me-- what are you doing ? What does it look like I'm doing ? I'm packing a suitcase.
You're gonna leave ? Fine ! I'll help you.
Here are your blouses.
Go ahead ! [ Arguing continues .]
Archie, you better go up there and stop that.
[ Mike .]
Get out of here ! You're making me crazy ! Let fightin' dogs lie.
Well, if you're not gonna stop it, I will.
No, Edith.
Now, that, I forbid.
Let 'em fight.
If we're lucky, maybe she'll teach him a lesson and throw him outta here.
You can't mean that.
You're acting like a child ! You're acting irrationally.
Why can't we talk about this like rational people ? [ Arguing continues .]
What is the suitcase for ? Mother, I'm doing this just as much for you as I am for myself.
Wait a second.
[ Edith .]
Where are you going ? If anybody wants me, I'll be at Trudy's.
You leave this house while I am uptight about my grades, don't bother coming back, you hear me ? Wait a minute, meathead.
It's her house ! I don't want to come back, not till you learn to treat me as an equal partner.
You want to be treated as a partner ? Then why don't you act like a partner and not some silly little windup doll ? Windup doll, huh ? Is that the way you think of me ? Well, if that's what you think of me, then this is your little windup doll saying, "over and out !" Well, Edith, it looks like we lost a daughter But we gained a meathead.
Oh, that empty chair.
Do you have to do that, ma ? I mean, don't we feel bad enough already ? Look how sorry he is.
He's eating his food and Gloria's too.
I told you, when I'm nervous, I eat.
I'm nervous about the grades.
They're coming in the morning.
My whole scholarship depends on it.
His wife leaves him, and all he can think about's his grades.
That's not all I'm thinking about, Archie.
I love Gloria very much.
It's because I love her that I'm worried about my grades.
Because it means our future together.
Will you look at him.
He's eatin' like he's gonna be hung.
Let me ask you something, Sonny boy.
Suppose Gloria stays away for two, maybe three months.
What do you figure to do ? I mean, this is a unique family group we got here.
Two parents and a son-in-law.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, I'll get it.
And no matter who it is, nobody has to know where Gloria is.
All right, Edith.
Our neighbors don't have to know our business.
All right, Edith.
So don't say nothin' ! All right, Edith ! Hi, Mrs.
bunker.
Here's your cleaning.
Lionel, thank you.
Hi, Mike, Mr.
bunker.
Hey, where's Gloria ? No place.
Oh, we don't know.
I mean, we do know, but we can't tell.
Archie, can't you answer him ? Oh, what a dingbat.
I'll hang these upstairs.
What was all that about ? Our two turtledoves here had a little spat.
Gloria's staying over at one of her girlfriend's.
Wait, you mean Mike and Gloria had a fight at her house, and she left ? Don't seem right to you neither, does it, Lionel ? I gotta admit, it's not your average situation.
Will you lay off me ? I get enough of that from him.
It's your own fault ! You bring them wacky books into this house, turn the whole place upside down with that women's lib.
Gee ! You people involved, Lionel, with that women's liberation ? Uh, no, not too much.
See, we're still working on plain old liberation.
I'll see you people later.
Hello.
Hi, Gloria.
Hello, Lionel.
Gloria.
Excuse me, sir.
Hello, daddy.
I just came home to pick up a few more of my things.
Hope your husband's one of 'em.
Oh, Gloria ! Hello, mother.
I just came home to get some more of my clothes.
Mike, she's home ! Aren't you gonna do nothin' to keep her here ? What do you want me to do ? She left me.
Men have their pride too, you know.
Ohh ! Oh, men ! Some man you are.
She's gonna be gone in a few minutes, and you stand there talking about your pride.
What do you want ? Aren't we on the same side ? Haven't you always told me a man's home is his castle and he's gotta be the king ? When you got a home of your own, you'll be king.
In the meantime, this is my home, and I'm the king.
And the princess in this story is upstairs.
And you're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here.
I know, I know, ma.
Yesterday we were talking like friends.
But today you're coming on like my mother.
Well, maybe if you was to call me Edith.
Yeah.
Then we could talk like friends again, and I could help you.
Oh, ma, you can't help.
You have the same problems we have.
And you haven't solved them.
There's no equality in your marriage.
Whatever daddy says goes, and you're just a dutiful little woman Waiting to serve the master.
Oh, well, that's what it looks like, I know.
But how do you know that what you see Is all there is ? Gloria, now tell me, why did you come back today, really ? Because I miss him.
Oh, Edith ! You got the mail ? Let me see.
Wait a minute, big shot.
There might be one or two little items here for me, you know.
"Occupant, occupant, occupant.
" Oh, "resident.
" That's real funny.
Come on there, will ya ? Take it easy.
"Occupant.
" Oh, "Mr.
Michael stivic," meathead.
Hey, Edith, the grades are here.
Oh, your grades came, Mike.
How are they ? What's the story ? Are you still in school or are you out ? Well, tell us, Mike.
Uh, they're good-- two b's and an "a.
" Oh, that's wonderful ! Don't you think so, Archie ? Jeez, I'm overdone.
Gloria, listen to me.
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one hears it, does it make a sound ? Uh, look.
I just got my grades, and I opened them up and I looked at them, and the fact that I got two b's and an "a" didn't mean anything to me.
There they were, staring me in the face, two b's and an "a.
" Without you to share it with me, I didn't experience it.
I didn't feel anything.
I got two b's and an "a," didn't I ? Yes, Michael.
I did ! I can feel it now ! I got two b's and an "a" ! I'm so proud of you.
You see what I mean ? When you're not there to share something with me, I don't experience it.
It's as if I don't exist without you.
I feel the same way you do, Michael.
So don't you see what that means ? If we don't exist without each other, if we can't feel anything without each other, then we need each other as much, therefore we're equal.
You're right.
We are equal.
We are totally equal.
Oh, Michael.
In this room.
In this room ? Yes ! In here, you're my equal.
Out there, you're my wife.
Out there you're my husband, equal.
No, no, no.
I never agreed to that.
By equal, I mean in here, out there, everywhere.
You're talking like a male chauvinist.
And you're talking like a feminist ! When we're talking about men and women-- wait a minute.
When we're talking about women and men ! Oh, semantics ! She's killing me with semantics ! [ Arguing continues .]
How long has he been up there showing her his grades ? Oh, must be an hour and ten minutes anyway.
In the middle of the day.
Does seem like a long time To go over two b's and an "a.
" We made up.
Whoopee.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape Before a live audience.