Axe Cop (2013) s01e11 Episode Script
Taxi Cop
I'm so glad we had two children, Axey and Flutey.
They're the best brothers.
Those two will be inseparable forever.
When I grow up, I'm going to kill bad guys all day and all night.
Well, big brother, I also want to kill bad guys but only during the day.
At night, I want to go home to a family.
There! I shot you because you're bad! That's boring.
This is how to kill bad guys.
- Hyah! - Yeah, you wish! You'll never be good crime fighters.
Wrong.
We will be the best crime fighters ever! That'll be $15.
No, it won't.
Bad guys don't pay.
One day, at the scene of a car auction, a guy bought the perfect taxi.
That was the day he became a taxi driver! So he hired his brother.
I will drop you folks off! Whoa! Gas prices are through the roof.
How much money did you make today, Axey? - I need some good news.
- Nothing.
Nothing?! You didn't pick up any customers? Of course I picked up customers.
But they all ran off without paying.
All right, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.
I have a better idea.
Hi.
We want to kill bad guys.
Well, then you've come to the right place.
Uh, just sign up here.
I'll give you your uniforms and you'll be cops.
Just like that! Really? That's it? There's no training? Nope, just sign and suit on up.
Well, I think that's something even I can handle.
- He's funny.
- Whoo! Must have shot a million bad guys out there today.
What's up, Anita? Miss me? Oh, look at this.
What do we got here? There are our two newest cops.
They signed the form and everything.
There's something about the little fat one.
I can't quite - put my finger on it.
- Wait a second.
Little Ray? Is that you? Hey! Axey, Flutey! So what've you been doing all these years while I've been out shooting bad guys with my gun? - Driving a cab.
- Seriously? I bet you don't get to kill a lot of bad guys doing that.
Eh, not that you were ever good at that anyway.
Not to worry.
I'm gonna show you the ropes, because I know all there is to know about being a cop.
Bang bang, bang bang! Ha ha! Whoo-hoo! What did I tell you, man? - Isn't this awesome? - No! - You're just shooting them.
- Yeah, that's all us cops do.
We shoot bad guys with our guns.
Here, give it a try.
No.
That's boring.
Flutey, let's go! Hey hey! Hey! Hey! Get back here! That's my cop car! Oh ho ho ho.
Wow.
Axey, what are you doing? If we're not gonna use guns, how are we gonna kill bad guys? With that.
The perfect axe.
I'm going to be Axe Cop! I could be, uh, you know, I don't know.
Uh, Flute Cop? Yeah, Flute Cop.
You know, whatever.
I'll change it later.
Let's get to choppin'.
Oh whoa! Look what I just did! - All right! - No no no, no.
Please please.
It contains all of my top-secret documents.
That's odd.
I could have sworn you had a head.
I chopped it off.
You're welcome.
My name is Uni-Man.
I'm from Uni-Planet.
I'm the smartest man in the universe.
Oh really? Well, what brings you to our little ol' planet? Uni-Planet was taken over by the Evil Fatsozon and it was no longer safe to live there.
Yeah well, I gotta split.
Thanks for saving my life and my important documents.
They are top-secret designs for a dinosaur.
I am giving him rockets for arms.
Mmm, they should be machine guns.
- Even better! - Can he fly? - He will now.
- And if you try to ride him, he should have spikes that only stab you if you're a bad guy.
- Brilliant! - Ooh ooh! And at the end of a long day, - he should have a family to go home to.
- Let's quit while we're ahead.
If you ever need my help, give me a call.
Here's my card.
Hey, I need your daily report - on my desk pronto! - The thing is I have nothing to report.
What?! You ain't shot nobody today? Son, you are a disappointment.
Some head-chopping maniac has been getting to the bad guys before I can shoot 'em.
Ay ay ay! Enough with the excuses.
If you don't start shooting bad guys, I'm going to have to report you to the commissioner of the normal police! They know me! No no no! I'll shoot bad guys.
I promise.
Attention.
We have a train robbery in progress at the downtown train station.
- On my way.
- Actually scratch that.
Someone just chopped the robber's head off.
Hmmm.
Ugh! I don't know who this head-chopping vigilante is, but I am going to find out.
And when I do, I am gonna shoot him with my gun.
I think I'm gonna give that Anita girl from the cop station a call.
She liked my joke.
You remember my joke? It was self-deprecating, but not too self-deprecating Unless you think it was.
You think she hates me? What the heck? This is your last chance, alien baby! Surrender or we will shoot you with our guns! But that's just a baby.
And you don't shoot babies! Axey?! You're the head-chopping vigilante? Yes.
And I'm taking the alien baby.
Flute Cop, now! Cops, shoot your guns! Let's move! You made me look stupid for the last time! I'll get you, Smartist Brothers! Uni-Man, what can you tell us about this disgusting baby? Her name is Uni-Baby.
She is from my planet.
You can tell by her horn.
She was sent to Earth as a distraction by Fatsozon, - that bad guy I spoke of earlier.
- A distraction? Yes.
It's all part of Fatsozon's master plan.
While the normal cops were tracking down Uni-Baby, he filled Earth's core with bombs.
But if the Earth blows up, - everyone on the planet will die.
- But you can still stop him.
Fatsozon returned to Uni-Planet and he is getting ready to detonate the bombs.
Uni-Planet is very far.
We won't make it there on time.
Yes, you will.
You can take my dinosaur.
Great.
I will call him Wexter.
Actually he already has a name.
Wexter! To Uni-Planet! Fatsozon! Welcome to Uni-Planet, Axe Cop.
I wish I could entertain you, but I'll be busy blowing up the Earth.
Perhaps my army of evil, biting robots will keep you entertained.
I'm evil.
If they bite us, we'll turn evil.
By that logic, since we're good guys, if we bite them they might turn good.
Already ahead of you.
I'm a good guy now.
Now go bite your evil friends, good robot! Now kill Fatsozon! Oh yeah, you did it! Freeze, Smartist Brothers.
Oh hey, Ray.
You can put the gun down.
Axe Cop already killed the bad guy.
Oh? Not according to the daily report I'm going to file.
According to that report, Fatsozon killed both of you.
Then I showed up and killed Fatsozon - with my gun.
- Ray! That's not what happened.
Lots of things happen the way they don't happen.
That's impossible.
Every morning I drink bulletproof juice, so any bullet that hits me just bounces off and goes right back into your gun.
Ahhhh! Flute Cop, I did it.
Flute Cop? No-oooo! now your best friend Uni-Man, I saved two planets.
- Can you save my brother? - Yes.
I can put a piece of your brain in his.
But I must warn you, there is one serious side-effect.
The surgery is going to involve removing the part of the brain that knows you two are brothers.
Okay.
Do it.
Hey, look at that, Anita! Axe Cop is having tryouts! I've heard that guy is awesome.
Maybe I should try out.
I mean, chances are he wouldn't pick me, but at least I'd get a chance to meet him.
But, Flute Cop, you're brothers.
Anita, I would think I would know if we were brothers.
You're crazy.
Next.
My name is Flute Cop.
Sign up here! Just sign? That's it? Hey, even I can handle that job, right? I wish Anita was here, she'd love that joke.
They're the best brothers.
Those two will be inseparable forever.
When I grow up, I'm going to kill bad guys all day and all night.
Well, big brother, I also want to kill bad guys but only during the day.
At night, I want to go home to a family.
There! I shot you because you're bad! That's boring.
This is how to kill bad guys.
- Hyah! - Yeah, you wish! You'll never be good crime fighters.
Wrong.
We will be the best crime fighters ever! That'll be $15.
No, it won't.
Bad guys don't pay.
One day, at the scene of a car auction, a guy bought the perfect taxi.
That was the day he became a taxi driver! So he hired his brother.
I will drop you folks off! Whoa! Gas prices are through the roof.
How much money did you make today, Axey? - I need some good news.
- Nothing.
Nothing?! You didn't pick up any customers? Of course I picked up customers.
But they all ran off without paying.
All right, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.
I have a better idea.
Hi.
We want to kill bad guys.
Well, then you've come to the right place.
Uh, just sign up here.
I'll give you your uniforms and you'll be cops.
Just like that! Really? That's it? There's no training? Nope, just sign and suit on up.
Well, I think that's something even I can handle.
- He's funny.
- Whoo! Must have shot a million bad guys out there today.
What's up, Anita? Miss me? Oh, look at this.
What do we got here? There are our two newest cops.
They signed the form and everything.
There's something about the little fat one.
I can't quite - put my finger on it.
- Wait a second.
Little Ray? Is that you? Hey! Axey, Flutey! So what've you been doing all these years while I've been out shooting bad guys with my gun? - Driving a cab.
- Seriously? I bet you don't get to kill a lot of bad guys doing that.
Eh, not that you were ever good at that anyway.
Not to worry.
I'm gonna show you the ropes, because I know all there is to know about being a cop.
Bang bang, bang bang! Ha ha! Whoo-hoo! What did I tell you, man? - Isn't this awesome? - No! - You're just shooting them.
- Yeah, that's all us cops do.
We shoot bad guys with our guns.
Here, give it a try.
No.
That's boring.
Flutey, let's go! Hey hey! Hey! Hey! Get back here! That's my cop car! Oh ho ho ho.
Wow.
Axey, what are you doing? If we're not gonna use guns, how are we gonna kill bad guys? With that.
The perfect axe.
I'm going to be Axe Cop! I could be, uh, you know, I don't know.
Uh, Flute Cop? Yeah, Flute Cop.
You know, whatever.
I'll change it later.
Let's get to choppin'.
Oh whoa! Look what I just did! - All right! - No no no, no.
Please please.
It contains all of my top-secret documents.
That's odd.
I could have sworn you had a head.
I chopped it off.
You're welcome.
My name is Uni-Man.
I'm from Uni-Planet.
I'm the smartest man in the universe.
Oh really? Well, what brings you to our little ol' planet? Uni-Planet was taken over by the Evil Fatsozon and it was no longer safe to live there.
Yeah well, I gotta split.
Thanks for saving my life and my important documents.
They are top-secret designs for a dinosaur.
I am giving him rockets for arms.
Mmm, they should be machine guns.
- Even better! - Can he fly? - He will now.
- And if you try to ride him, he should have spikes that only stab you if you're a bad guy.
- Brilliant! - Ooh ooh! And at the end of a long day, - he should have a family to go home to.
- Let's quit while we're ahead.
If you ever need my help, give me a call.
Here's my card.
Hey, I need your daily report - on my desk pronto! - The thing is I have nothing to report.
What?! You ain't shot nobody today? Son, you are a disappointment.
Some head-chopping maniac has been getting to the bad guys before I can shoot 'em.
Ay ay ay! Enough with the excuses.
If you don't start shooting bad guys, I'm going to have to report you to the commissioner of the normal police! They know me! No no no! I'll shoot bad guys.
I promise.
Attention.
We have a train robbery in progress at the downtown train station.
- On my way.
- Actually scratch that.
Someone just chopped the robber's head off.
Hmmm.
Ugh! I don't know who this head-chopping vigilante is, but I am going to find out.
And when I do, I am gonna shoot him with my gun.
I think I'm gonna give that Anita girl from the cop station a call.
She liked my joke.
You remember my joke? It was self-deprecating, but not too self-deprecating Unless you think it was.
You think she hates me? What the heck? This is your last chance, alien baby! Surrender or we will shoot you with our guns! But that's just a baby.
And you don't shoot babies! Axey?! You're the head-chopping vigilante? Yes.
And I'm taking the alien baby.
Flute Cop, now! Cops, shoot your guns! Let's move! You made me look stupid for the last time! I'll get you, Smartist Brothers! Uni-Man, what can you tell us about this disgusting baby? Her name is Uni-Baby.
She is from my planet.
You can tell by her horn.
She was sent to Earth as a distraction by Fatsozon, - that bad guy I spoke of earlier.
- A distraction? Yes.
It's all part of Fatsozon's master plan.
While the normal cops were tracking down Uni-Baby, he filled Earth's core with bombs.
But if the Earth blows up, - everyone on the planet will die.
- But you can still stop him.
Fatsozon returned to Uni-Planet and he is getting ready to detonate the bombs.
Uni-Planet is very far.
We won't make it there on time.
Yes, you will.
You can take my dinosaur.
Great.
I will call him Wexter.
Actually he already has a name.
Wexter! To Uni-Planet! Fatsozon! Welcome to Uni-Planet, Axe Cop.
I wish I could entertain you, but I'll be busy blowing up the Earth.
Perhaps my army of evil, biting robots will keep you entertained.
I'm evil.
If they bite us, we'll turn evil.
By that logic, since we're good guys, if we bite them they might turn good.
Already ahead of you.
I'm a good guy now.
Now go bite your evil friends, good robot! Now kill Fatsozon! Oh yeah, you did it! Freeze, Smartist Brothers.
Oh hey, Ray.
You can put the gun down.
Axe Cop already killed the bad guy.
Oh? Not according to the daily report I'm going to file.
According to that report, Fatsozon killed both of you.
Then I showed up and killed Fatsozon - with my gun.
- Ray! That's not what happened.
Lots of things happen the way they don't happen.
That's impossible.
Every morning I drink bulletproof juice, so any bullet that hits me just bounces off and goes right back into your gun.
Ahhhh! Flute Cop, I did it.
Flute Cop? No-oooo! now your best friend Uni-Man, I saved two planets.
- Can you save my brother? - Yes.
I can put a piece of your brain in his.
But I must warn you, there is one serious side-effect.
The surgery is going to involve removing the part of the brain that knows you two are brothers.
Okay.
Do it.
Hey, look at that, Anita! Axe Cop is having tryouts! I've heard that guy is awesome.
Maybe I should try out.
I mean, chances are he wouldn't pick me, but at least I'd get a chance to meet him.
But, Flute Cop, you're brothers.
Anita, I would think I would know if we were brothers.
You're crazy.
Next.
My name is Flute Cop.
Sign up here! Just sign? That's it? Hey, even I can handle that job, right? I wish Anita was here, she'd love that joke.