Betas (2013) s01e11 Episode Script
This Is It
1 You lied to me.
And good morning to you, too.
I got you the Eggs Benedict.
I hope that's okay.
You knew Casper would be at that party.
You engineered this whole thing.
Of course I did.
It's my job to know things.
And for the record, I didn't lie, I enabled serendipity.
Stop saying that.
"This is about finding the right match for you, not ZipText.
" Your words.
And Zack Casper is that match.
He asked me to arrange a meet so he could suss you out in person.
-He's very particular.
-Then why keep it from me? Because he wanted it that way.
And because I work on commission.
Well, this is my life, my business, and I don't like being manipulated.
Let me help you.
$15 million.
One five.
That's his offer.
He called me this morning.
But we were only looking to raise three.
You're welcome.
Hm? See, and there I thought I was, uh, doing you a fucking favor.
Casper doesn't want to invest, does he? He wants to acquire us.
Bong bong bong! I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot MITCHELL: So, how did you get a show at Cavanaugh's? His assistant Madison is a huge fan of the Dane's "work.
" Oh, yeah? Did you tap that? No.
Jesus, man.
Manners.
Come on.
I showed her my portfolio, and she showed a genuine passion for my art.
-Hm.
-Uh-uh.
Yeah.
I fucked her a little.
Is that what you call this? Art? MITCHELL: It's a subjective medium; be nice.
He's right.
This is shit.
I'm a fraud.
Maybe I should just take a Mapplethorpe pass before the show and Photoshop in a big Daney dong.
Dashawn Combs! Back from the salt mines! Got some muffins.
You wanna put another brick in the wall there? -No, thanks.
-Since when do you -turn down a baked good? -I don't know, Mitch.
I guess you could say I just don't trust Mrs.
Walls' taste anymore.
It's Miss Walls, and I don't think I like your tone, big boy.
I don't like your face, "Garbage Pail Adult.
" Yo, I've had to like start labeling my leftovers 'cause of this guy.
-TREY: Hey.
-Hey-yo! -What's up, boss? -What up? You, uh, comin' to Dane's art shi-dazzle? Huh? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Nash, you got a second? $15 million? (laughs) We have to tell them, Trey.
Not until we know what we're getting into.
Look, first Victoria says Casper wants to invest, now it's an acquisition, and she never mentioned anything about Konvene working on something similar to BRB.
Jordan's source was pretty airtight.
Oh, Jordan can't be trusted.
You know that.
No, I don't know that.
Look, Casper's in town and he wants to sit down with us, tomorrow.
So, let's just see what he has to say -and if it sounds legit -Then we'll tell them.
-Yes.
-(chuckles) (toilet flushing) HOBBES: Hey, butt flaps.
-What the hell was that? -Oh, you didn't see, but I saw you going spin cycle on Miss Walls' va-jay.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck you think you saw, but that entire incident was maintenance related.
Oh, yeah? I own you, ass wipe.
You can start by cleaning my room, alphabetizing my DVD's from "Airheads" to "Zardoz.
" And do me a favor and get your disgusting neck hair out of our sink.
Yeah, that's not neck hair.
And before you get cocky-- you know those nude selfies you hide on your G drive? I got back-ups.
Bet your co-worker Tina would love a glimpse.
She don't need to see that.
Thanks.
Best tri-tip in the world.
I eat here every time I'm in the city.
My assistant says I'm OCD.
(laughs) It's delicious.
I'm so glad you guys could meet.
I want you to know this deal is a top priority.
You know, when Victoria told us you were interested in BRB it came as a bit of a shock.
She led me to believe our run-in was an accident.
I apologize for the theatrics.
It wasn't posturing.
I just wanted to meet you man to man, away from boardrooms and lawyers.
I don't invest in a lot of people.
I don't like many people, so a deal like this-- it's like welcoming a member into my family.
Well, I mean we're flattered.
And we're very interested.
We just need to make sure that BRB's interests are protected.
Of course.
I'd feel the same if I was in your position.
What can I do to put your minds at ease? Our team.
We need them with us.
Your team, your app, your vision.
You built BRB without me.
The last thing I want to do is meddle with that chemistry.
Not to mention, your code is brilliant.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Your biography said that you don't give compliments.
Unauthorized biography.
But it's true, I don't give them easily.
The truth is, we've been working on something very similar to BRB.
Then why pay for something you already have? My in-house division doesn't share your philosophy.
They think I'm foolish to develop a feature that might draw people away from their screens, and from Konvene.
I wanna work with people who share my vision.
People like you.
Social's reached a critical mass.
If we don't disrupt it now, we're gonna lose everything.
(slurps) So I'm lacing up my boots on the stairs, and I suddenly start to hear these noises.
Like banging and whimpering.
These noises sound a little bit like a possum that might be underneath the house; it's happened before.
We had Mitch go under there, crawling on his hands and knees with a flashlight, found a whole litter of pups just going (squealing) GAMER: Dude, those things are nasty.
So I creep down there ever so slightly, hearing this whimpering get louder.
I'm thinking, "Hey, hold up.
We got some real life B and E action going on here.
" I'm talkin' a prowler who's got Trev's mom and he's gonna take her by force.
GAMER: Fuck did you do? So I find Trev's old jai alai stick.
I got one hand on the doorknob, stick cocked back, and I'm ready to crush this dude's melon.
So I open the door boom! Mitch's homeless weirdo, creepo friend is just drilling Trev's mom on the dryer.
-I mean balls deep.
-Really? And Trev's mom actually wants it.
I was like, aroused and repulsed at the same time.
I gotta give it up to, uh, Trev's mom, though.
-She's got a sweet set of cans.
-That's cra-- Trev, I meant it as a compliment.
Casper said we'd maintain control of BRB, but it just doesn't feel right.
It's too much money, too soon, and since when does Konvene partner up with anybody? True, it's not really Casper's style to share the sandbox.
I need you to do a little digging.
Find out if he's made any acquisitions like this before.
Does this mean we're an item? A little "Lois and Clark" action? (laughs, sighs) Yeah, uh, I, uh, can do some digging.
But I gotta warn you as a frenemy-- these are the rabbit holes that people usually wish they hadn't gone down.
Thanks, Jordan.
I owe you more than one.
Yeah, seven.
I'm keeping track.
(laughs) Fantastic.
(indistinct conversations) What's up? -Goose! Oh! -Oh, my God.
So? What do you babies think about magnum opus, huh? -Pretty tight.
-You're the worst.
And now you guys are so frickin' rich I'm gonna put you down for two a piece.
-(laughs) -Yeah.
Splenda.
(sighs) Shit.
Oh, I mean, not again.
Mr.
Sexy Sax is totally moving in on my new nut warmer! Excuse me.
This is terrible, right? It's not just me.
Yeah.
So, what's it like, working for Casper? For the first few months after he acquired us, uh, I just sat in my office on Konvene's campus, and tried to figure out what the hell to do with myself.
Casper had reassigned most of our work to an in-house development team.
And, um, I developed a pretty serious addiction to "Oprah" and cocaine.
A couple months after that, Casper shuttered the division-- let his entire team go.
Well, why? Well, apparently our product didn't test well -with Konvene's users.
-Are there others like you? Sure.
I mean, look, no one wants to talk about it, but Casper acquires dozens of companies every year.
Those whose products test well, well, he swallows up-- he adopts their tech, he takes all the credit.
But the rest (splutters) he eliminates.
Fuck.
I mean, really, what you're looking at is the culmination of my life's work.
I mean, it's my nuts, it's my guts, hung up on the wall for you to see.
And this hairy hunk of handsome is my masterpiece.
Without him, I'd be nothing.
Nothing.
(sighs, laughs) Photography, oil on canvas, reality TV-- it's not about the medium.
Great subjects make great art.
Did I mention I'm a millionaire? There's something I wanted to ask you.
Hey, if you're worried about joining a new tax bracket, don't sweat it.
-I got a guy -Stop.
For reals, for real.
Look, you know I like you a ton.
And I think maybe you like me, too.
-You know I do.
-Right.
So, here's the thing-- I don't wanna be your little buddy.
You know, just cracking jokes and talking on the phone with you after you get home from a shitty date with some dude.
-Oh, come on.
-No, stop.
Let me finish.
(sighs) I want more.
More than just a toaster strudel the morning after.
I wanna watch awesome shitty movies with you like "Birdemic" and "They Live.
" And I wanna take you to my favorite ramen spot-- which is Izakaya Sozai, by the way.
-Izakaya Sozai.
-Sozai.
-Yeah.
(laughs) -Sorry.
And I need you to teach me the 'nade spots on the new "Call of Duty" maps because the truth is, I have no frackin' clue where they are.
And I just wanted you to think I was cool.
-(laughs) -(sultry solo plays) (laughs) Uh Oh.
(laughs) -Well, that was very cool.
-(sighs) -(laughs) -Here's the thing.
No, I like you a lot.
Which is why I don't wanna ruin what we have, by getting into each other's shit, you know? It's just You deserve -What? What? -The world! You deserve all of it, okay? The whole girlfriend enchilada.
But I'm just I'm not that girl, you know? I never have been.
Because your mom says so, or you say so, or 'cause you're just too chicken shit to try? I will cut your fucking tongue out! In the Valley, there are makers and sellers.
Now I started out as a maker and I became a seller.
And that's evolution-- the circle of life.
How can you say that? Casper killed your company.
It's your life's work.
Yeah, but after making me a very rich man.
I mean, I have a house on Nob Hill.
I I married a chick who wouldn't even return my phone calls before the deal.
How come no one's reported on this? Because Casper's worth more than God, with the wrath to match.
Yeah, well, that, and he makes everyone who steps foot in his building sign a massive non-disclosure.
I mean, it's it's like 30 pages, at least.
I only talked to Jordan because I owe her a favor.
Besides, I mean, this is ancient history.
Nobody even remembers my company existed.
You're like the herp, Bren.
You never really go away, you just flare up at the worst possible moment.
Got tired of waiting for you to play a word.
I had to come see what you're so busy with.
Oh, yeah? Here's a word: deleted.
As in: Words With Friends from my phone.
-As in you, from my life.
-Yeah, right.
Congrats on your new modeling career, by the way.
I didn't know hobo was trending this season.
Nice hips.
Yeah, why don't you go back home to Jon Carlo? -I hear his hair needs watering.
-C'mon, baby.
-You know you still want this.
-No! No more.
I'm a new man.
I set my past on fire.
I saw truth in the forest, and I found somebody who cares about me, somebody who bakes me muffins.
Not like you.
That's it, now tell me what a dirty little whore I am.
No.
You need help, Bren.
That thing we had was toxic.
I'm not crawling back into the muck with you.
Hey, man.
You don't get to fuck my mom, man! (grunts) Fuck.
Ah! Get the fuck off of me! Stop! (playing dissonant solo) (frantic clamoring) Do something! Get him! Dude.
Dude, dude.
No, no, no, no.
You're not my fucking dad! All right? His name's Gary.
He drives a truck and he's gonna kick your ass when he gets back from Coeur d'Alene! I know it! I know he will! (sighing) Looks like we're both still in the muck, Randall.
Randall? I'm sorry, Mitch.
Stop, man.
Just don't.
The thing with Joanne is not a mistake, man.
That wasn't me fucking up.
No, I know.
It was Hobbes being Hobbes.
You've always looked out for number one, and I shouldn't have expected anything different.
I'm not saying that what happened to Lance Roe will happen to us.
But if we take this deal, there's the very real possibility that BRB won't exist in six months.
Yeah.
But then we get to keep all the money, right? I mean, I hate to be that guy, but $15 million is a lot of cheddar, bro.
Yeah, what exactly are you saying? I'm saying I don't like being lied to.
Maybe we can find another investor, raise a round, like we planned.
What you don't like is the idea of someone else being your boss.
-This is about your ego.
-That's ridiculous.
With Casper's resources, we can put BRB on the map overnight.
Which deal are you referring to? The deal Casper told us about or the one he gave Roe? Guys, we built BRB together.
All of us.
It's ours.
Every week it gets better.
Every day, we take another step closer to the thing we set out to do.
I know this is a big decision, and I know it's a lot of money.
But what we have, what we're doing here, is worth so much more than that.
We can change the world.
I know it.
You guys know it.
In two years, we could have a hundred million users.
Or we could have nothing.
If you really believe that, then why'd you come this far? Because I listened to you.
We should vote.
All of us.
BRB belongs to you, too.
I'm sorry, Trey.
I vote to sell.
Yeah.
I can't really keep rolling the dice like this, man.
-I'm sorry, gotta sell.
-I told you from the beginning-- A girl's gotta eat.
Sell.
Maybe working for Casper will blow.
Maybe it'll be awesome.
I don't know.
But look at us, man-- we're kinda the opposite of awesome.
I don't know if we're gonna make it two weeks, much less two years.
I'm really sorry, dude.
Okay.
I'll set it up.
I just came by to get my things.
You're not armed, are you? Don't be such a pussy, Barrett.
Congrats on the offer.
Sorry I couldn't make it happen for you.
Thanks.
Me, too.
Dump that cheap swill and grab a glass.
Michter's Ten Year.
-A gift from Artimus Pyle.
-Artimus, who? Used to be the drummer for Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-You do know Skynyrd? -Sure.
-"Freebird!" -(scoffs) Why don't you tell me why you're haunting these halls when you should be out popping Cristal and making it rain? Guys, to selling out.
(laughs) We're doing the right thing, aren't we? Yeah, of course.
Why do you ask? Trey seemed really upset.
Oh, he'll come around.
Look, changing the world is a helluva lot easier when you have money in your pocket and a billion customers a click away.
I think this is a once-in- a-lifetime opportunity.
And somewhere, deep down, he knows that.
I guess I thought making it would feel better than this.
Hey.
You want some competish? Uh, if you feel like losing.
I'm basically unstoppable with Sauron.
I figured.
A screen name like "Da Mitch Sitch" just screams badass.
How did you know my screen name? You're on BRB.
My friends are like, obsessed with it.
(laughs) We were looking for a beer bar and it led us here.
It seems chill.
So, what's your favorite "Battlestar" episode? Well, "33" is pretty hard to argue against.
You know, it kinda just sets the whole series in motion, and it's just like, "What?" And then, uh, you know, when they reveal the four Cylon identities at the end of "Crossroads Part Two.
" -Chills, right?! -Mm-hmm.
Such a sick ep.
-Right up there with "Pegasus.
" -Ooh, an Admiral Cain girl.
(laughs) Hey, we should bump phones.
Don't we get extra points or something if we meet in person? Yeah.
That was my idea.
It, uh, it helps the algorithm, knowing which matches actually work in the wild.
I'm a developer.
-At BRB.
-Seriously? That is so frackin' cool.
(laughs) You have to meet my friends.
Okay.
-No, no.
-Oh.
Yeah.
It's just, why do I feel like I lost? 'Cause you and Nash built this thing with your bare hands.
What a feeling-- to imagine something that never existed before and will it into being.
Hard to sell that, at any cost.
(sighs) You warned me about Victoria, and I should've listened.
Hey you did what you had to do.
(sighs) Artimus Pyle.
What a story.
How so? Back in '77, Skynyrd's plane went down in Mississippi.
They'd just launched their most successful tour yet.
Pyle survived the crash that claimed three of his bandmates.
With a chestful of broken ribs, he crawls from the smoking wreckage, he stumbles through the swamp, seeking help.
His cries are answered by a local farmer, who shoots him in the shoulder for his trouble.
Artimus Pyle refused to go down with the ship, but when he woke up in the hospital, broken and bandaged, he didn't have a band to play with anymore.
Keeping BRB doesn't mean anything if I lose my friends in the process.
Sounds like you made your choice.
Congratulations, millionaire.
By signing this Letter of Intent, you hereby entitle Konvene Inc.
, heretofore known as "The Company," to commence the acquisition process.
You guys try the pesto? Best in the country.
Yeah.
It's dope.
Thanks.
It's a family owned spot over on Emerson.
You guys can have it every day if you want.
-Go ahead, try it.
-I'm good.
I sold my first company when I was 16.
To Yahoo, I know.
Not exactly the same thing though, is it? You sure? They make it with walnuts instead of pine nuts-- killer.
I mean, you sold and walked away.
We're building BRB's future together.
-Like you said.
-Of course.
The point is, it takes guts and presence of mind to know when to sell.
There's no shame in it.
Not when the time is right.
Is this the same speech you gave Lance Roe? About makers and sellers? That's good.
You should do your research.
I did my research, too.
Trey Barrett, college dropout, would-be maverick-- I'm guessing you keep the Jobs bio under your pillow.
Or maybe you sleep on a bare mattress-- better to stay hungry, focus your energy on making a dent in the universe.
Am I right? He's your lone holdout.
(laughs) Excuse me.
I know it's not Randall Hobbes.
You worked at Prodigy until they realized you weren't one.
Fired from WebVan in '03.
AskJeeves asked you to leave.
One failed venture after another.
There's not gonna be any more million-dollar cash-outs in your future.
Yeah, I quit WebVan.
So Mitch, you skipped college, but you're still living the freshman dorm experience.
I bet you thought your team here was gonna be best buds forevs, but after six months the cracks are showing, am I right? Mikki Yamoto.
You spent the last three years working odd jobs for equity and promises of paychecks to come.
You're too smart to not see this as a win-win scenario.
(sighs) BRB's a fun app.
A smart one.
That's why I want it.
But it's not a billion-dollar idea.
Not yet.
I'm offering you a chance to make it one.
Together.
And what the fuck do you know about together, exactly? You don't collaborate, you assimilate.
You've never had a co-founder, never had a team.
$15 million.
I just wanted to say that out loud, in case everyone here has forgot or something.
-I remember.
-Okay.
A team? I have 4,000 employees and a billion users.
You have a hot chick, a has-been, a hanger-on, and one good coder.
As for your visionary, he's a dime a dozen.
But I'm guessing you've always kinda known that.
And to think I used to wanna be you.
(laughs) Look at you, sitting there in your big chair.
You're all alone.
And you're weak-- it's why you're afraid of us.
Afraid of you? I could bury you.
-$50 million.
-Excuse me? The price went up.
50, five "O", million dollars.
I know I said sell before, but this guy's a prick-hole and your speech about togetherness made me misty-eyed, so Okay.
Let's, uh, just take a five-minute break.
Naw, he's right.
Konvene has sucked for a while now, and we made something awesome-- something people actually want.
60 million.
You guys gonna stand? Nobody's standing? Okay Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? A dinosaur.
Yeah.
You may be big but you move slow.
And you got a brain like a walnut.
100 mil.
Avinash, let's be honest-- your algorithm is the only reason we're sitting here.
The only reason BRB is worth anything.
Are you really gonna let these parasites drag you down? Hey, what would Mahesh say? I doubt he worked his whole life so you could pass out the keys to room 203.
200 million asshole! -(scoffs) -(laughter) I was gonna dismantle BRB anyway.
Now I don't have to spend $15 million to do it.
I've seen some epic stupidity in my life.
But that (sighs) that was next level.
Guys, what the fuck did we just do? Besides kiss off 15 million? And piss off the King of Social Media? I feel nauseous.
We just bought back our future.
How do you figure that? Casper just admitted we're a threat.
When word gets out we turned down his offer, people are gonna be very interested in BRB.
Unless he destroys us first.
Well, we're not gonna let that happen.
-No, we're not.
-No.
-No, we won't.
-Yeah, pssssh! Skills, I got skills I got skills To make it through your doorway Skills, I got skills I got skills To make it through your doorway Look at me Look at me and tell me if you've ever seen me before You know, most of the time, I'm Just too caught up with myself And what I'm doing in my mind Hey, hey! MAN: Watch all episodes of Alpha House, starring John Goodman.
-Oh, that'd be great.
-Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video Amazing.
And good morning to you, too.
I got you the Eggs Benedict.
I hope that's okay.
You knew Casper would be at that party.
You engineered this whole thing.
Of course I did.
It's my job to know things.
And for the record, I didn't lie, I enabled serendipity.
Stop saying that.
"This is about finding the right match for you, not ZipText.
" Your words.
And Zack Casper is that match.
He asked me to arrange a meet so he could suss you out in person.
-He's very particular.
-Then why keep it from me? Because he wanted it that way.
And because I work on commission.
Well, this is my life, my business, and I don't like being manipulated.
Let me help you.
$15 million.
One five.
That's his offer.
He called me this morning.
But we were only looking to raise three.
You're welcome.
Hm? See, and there I thought I was, uh, doing you a fucking favor.
Casper doesn't want to invest, does he? He wants to acquire us.
Bong bong bong! I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot MITCHELL: So, how did you get a show at Cavanaugh's? His assistant Madison is a huge fan of the Dane's "work.
" Oh, yeah? Did you tap that? No.
Jesus, man.
Manners.
Come on.
I showed her my portfolio, and she showed a genuine passion for my art.
-Hm.
-Uh-uh.
Yeah.
I fucked her a little.
Is that what you call this? Art? MITCHELL: It's a subjective medium; be nice.
He's right.
This is shit.
I'm a fraud.
Maybe I should just take a Mapplethorpe pass before the show and Photoshop in a big Daney dong.
Dashawn Combs! Back from the salt mines! Got some muffins.
You wanna put another brick in the wall there? -No, thanks.
-Since when do you -turn down a baked good? -I don't know, Mitch.
I guess you could say I just don't trust Mrs.
Walls' taste anymore.
It's Miss Walls, and I don't think I like your tone, big boy.
I don't like your face, "Garbage Pail Adult.
" Yo, I've had to like start labeling my leftovers 'cause of this guy.
-TREY: Hey.
-Hey-yo! -What's up, boss? -What up? You, uh, comin' to Dane's art shi-dazzle? Huh? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Nash, you got a second? $15 million? (laughs) We have to tell them, Trey.
Not until we know what we're getting into.
Look, first Victoria says Casper wants to invest, now it's an acquisition, and she never mentioned anything about Konvene working on something similar to BRB.
Jordan's source was pretty airtight.
Oh, Jordan can't be trusted.
You know that.
No, I don't know that.
Look, Casper's in town and he wants to sit down with us, tomorrow.
So, let's just see what he has to say -and if it sounds legit -Then we'll tell them.
-Yes.
-(chuckles) (toilet flushing) HOBBES: Hey, butt flaps.
-What the hell was that? -Oh, you didn't see, but I saw you going spin cycle on Miss Walls' va-jay.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck you think you saw, but that entire incident was maintenance related.
Oh, yeah? I own you, ass wipe.
You can start by cleaning my room, alphabetizing my DVD's from "Airheads" to "Zardoz.
" And do me a favor and get your disgusting neck hair out of our sink.
Yeah, that's not neck hair.
And before you get cocky-- you know those nude selfies you hide on your G drive? I got back-ups.
Bet your co-worker Tina would love a glimpse.
She don't need to see that.
Thanks.
Best tri-tip in the world.
I eat here every time I'm in the city.
My assistant says I'm OCD.
(laughs) It's delicious.
I'm so glad you guys could meet.
I want you to know this deal is a top priority.
You know, when Victoria told us you were interested in BRB it came as a bit of a shock.
She led me to believe our run-in was an accident.
I apologize for the theatrics.
It wasn't posturing.
I just wanted to meet you man to man, away from boardrooms and lawyers.
I don't invest in a lot of people.
I don't like many people, so a deal like this-- it's like welcoming a member into my family.
Well, I mean we're flattered.
And we're very interested.
We just need to make sure that BRB's interests are protected.
Of course.
I'd feel the same if I was in your position.
What can I do to put your minds at ease? Our team.
We need them with us.
Your team, your app, your vision.
You built BRB without me.
The last thing I want to do is meddle with that chemistry.
Not to mention, your code is brilliant.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Your biography said that you don't give compliments.
Unauthorized biography.
But it's true, I don't give them easily.
The truth is, we've been working on something very similar to BRB.
Then why pay for something you already have? My in-house division doesn't share your philosophy.
They think I'm foolish to develop a feature that might draw people away from their screens, and from Konvene.
I wanna work with people who share my vision.
People like you.
Social's reached a critical mass.
If we don't disrupt it now, we're gonna lose everything.
(slurps) So I'm lacing up my boots on the stairs, and I suddenly start to hear these noises.
Like banging and whimpering.
These noises sound a little bit like a possum that might be underneath the house; it's happened before.
We had Mitch go under there, crawling on his hands and knees with a flashlight, found a whole litter of pups just going (squealing) GAMER: Dude, those things are nasty.
So I creep down there ever so slightly, hearing this whimpering get louder.
I'm thinking, "Hey, hold up.
We got some real life B and E action going on here.
" I'm talkin' a prowler who's got Trev's mom and he's gonna take her by force.
GAMER: Fuck did you do? So I find Trev's old jai alai stick.
I got one hand on the doorknob, stick cocked back, and I'm ready to crush this dude's melon.
So I open the door boom! Mitch's homeless weirdo, creepo friend is just drilling Trev's mom on the dryer.
-I mean balls deep.
-Really? And Trev's mom actually wants it.
I was like, aroused and repulsed at the same time.
I gotta give it up to, uh, Trev's mom, though.
-She's got a sweet set of cans.
-That's cra-- Trev, I meant it as a compliment.
Casper said we'd maintain control of BRB, but it just doesn't feel right.
It's too much money, too soon, and since when does Konvene partner up with anybody? True, it's not really Casper's style to share the sandbox.
I need you to do a little digging.
Find out if he's made any acquisitions like this before.
Does this mean we're an item? A little "Lois and Clark" action? (laughs, sighs) Yeah, uh, I, uh, can do some digging.
But I gotta warn you as a frenemy-- these are the rabbit holes that people usually wish they hadn't gone down.
Thanks, Jordan.
I owe you more than one.
Yeah, seven.
I'm keeping track.
(laughs) Fantastic.
(indistinct conversations) What's up? -Goose! Oh! -Oh, my God.
So? What do you babies think about magnum opus, huh? -Pretty tight.
-You're the worst.
And now you guys are so frickin' rich I'm gonna put you down for two a piece.
-(laughs) -Yeah.
Splenda.
(sighs) Shit.
Oh, I mean, not again.
Mr.
Sexy Sax is totally moving in on my new nut warmer! Excuse me.
This is terrible, right? It's not just me.
Yeah.
So, what's it like, working for Casper? For the first few months after he acquired us, uh, I just sat in my office on Konvene's campus, and tried to figure out what the hell to do with myself.
Casper had reassigned most of our work to an in-house development team.
And, um, I developed a pretty serious addiction to "Oprah" and cocaine.
A couple months after that, Casper shuttered the division-- let his entire team go.
Well, why? Well, apparently our product didn't test well -with Konvene's users.
-Are there others like you? Sure.
I mean, look, no one wants to talk about it, but Casper acquires dozens of companies every year.
Those whose products test well, well, he swallows up-- he adopts their tech, he takes all the credit.
But the rest (splutters) he eliminates.
Fuck.
I mean, really, what you're looking at is the culmination of my life's work.
I mean, it's my nuts, it's my guts, hung up on the wall for you to see.
And this hairy hunk of handsome is my masterpiece.
Without him, I'd be nothing.
Nothing.
(sighs, laughs) Photography, oil on canvas, reality TV-- it's not about the medium.
Great subjects make great art.
Did I mention I'm a millionaire? There's something I wanted to ask you.
Hey, if you're worried about joining a new tax bracket, don't sweat it.
-I got a guy -Stop.
For reals, for real.
Look, you know I like you a ton.
And I think maybe you like me, too.
-You know I do.
-Right.
So, here's the thing-- I don't wanna be your little buddy.
You know, just cracking jokes and talking on the phone with you after you get home from a shitty date with some dude.
-Oh, come on.
-No, stop.
Let me finish.
(sighs) I want more.
More than just a toaster strudel the morning after.
I wanna watch awesome shitty movies with you like "Birdemic" and "They Live.
" And I wanna take you to my favorite ramen spot-- which is Izakaya Sozai, by the way.
-Izakaya Sozai.
-Sozai.
-Yeah.
(laughs) -Sorry.
And I need you to teach me the 'nade spots on the new "Call of Duty" maps because the truth is, I have no frackin' clue where they are.
And I just wanted you to think I was cool.
-(laughs) -(sultry solo plays) (laughs) Uh Oh.
(laughs) -Well, that was very cool.
-(sighs) -(laughs) -Here's the thing.
No, I like you a lot.
Which is why I don't wanna ruin what we have, by getting into each other's shit, you know? It's just You deserve -What? What? -The world! You deserve all of it, okay? The whole girlfriend enchilada.
But I'm just I'm not that girl, you know? I never have been.
Because your mom says so, or you say so, or 'cause you're just too chicken shit to try? I will cut your fucking tongue out! In the Valley, there are makers and sellers.
Now I started out as a maker and I became a seller.
And that's evolution-- the circle of life.
How can you say that? Casper killed your company.
It's your life's work.
Yeah, but after making me a very rich man.
I mean, I have a house on Nob Hill.
I I married a chick who wouldn't even return my phone calls before the deal.
How come no one's reported on this? Because Casper's worth more than God, with the wrath to match.
Yeah, well, that, and he makes everyone who steps foot in his building sign a massive non-disclosure.
I mean, it's it's like 30 pages, at least.
I only talked to Jordan because I owe her a favor.
Besides, I mean, this is ancient history.
Nobody even remembers my company existed.
You're like the herp, Bren.
You never really go away, you just flare up at the worst possible moment.
Got tired of waiting for you to play a word.
I had to come see what you're so busy with.
Oh, yeah? Here's a word: deleted.
As in: Words With Friends from my phone.
-As in you, from my life.
-Yeah, right.
Congrats on your new modeling career, by the way.
I didn't know hobo was trending this season.
Nice hips.
Yeah, why don't you go back home to Jon Carlo? -I hear his hair needs watering.
-C'mon, baby.
-You know you still want this.
-No! No more.
I'm a new man.
I set my past on fire.
I saw truth in the forest, and I found somebody who cares about me, somebody who bakes me muffins.
Not like you.
That's it, now tell me what a dirty little whore I am.
No.
You need help, Bren.
That thing we had was toxic.
I'm not crawling back into the muck with you.
Hey, man.
You don't get to fuck my mom, man! (grunts) Fuck.
Ah! Get the fuck off of me! Stop! (playing dissonant solo) (frantic clamoring) Do something! Get him! Dude.
Dude, dude.
No, no, no, no.
You're not my fucking dad! All right? His name's Gary.
He drives a truck and he's gonna kick your ass when he gets back from Coeur d'Alene! I know it! I know he will! (sighing) Looks like we're both still in the muck, Randall.
Randall? I'm sorry, Mitch.
Stop, man.
Just don't.
The thing with Joanne is not a mistake, man.
That wasn't me fucking up.
No, I know.
It was Hobbes being Hobbes.
You've always looked out for number one, and I shouldn't have expected anything different.
I'm not saying that what happened to Lance Roe will happen to us.
But if we take this deal, there's the very real possibility that BRB won't exist in six months.
Yeah.
But then we get to keep all the money, right? I mean, I hate to be that guy, but $15 million is a lot of cheddar, bro.
Yeah, what exactly are you saying? I'm saying I don't like being lied to.
Maybe we can find another investor, raise a round, like we planned.
What you don't like is the idea of someone else being your boss.
-This is about your ego.
-That's ridiculous.
With Casper's resources, we can put BRB on the map overnight.
Which deal are you referring to? The deal Casper told us about or the one he gave Roe? Guys, we built BRB together.
All of us.
It's ours.
Every week it gets better.
Every day, we take another step closer to the thing we set out to do.
I know this is a big decision, and I know it's a lot of money.
But what we have, what we're doing here, is worth so much more than that.
We can change the world.
I know it.
You guys know it.
In two years, we could have a hundred million users.
Or we could have nothing.
If you really believe that, then why'd you come this far? Because I listened to you.
We should vote.
All of us.
BRB belongs to you, too.
I'm sorry, Trey.
I vote to sell.
Yeah.
I can't really keep rolling the dice like this, man.
-I'm sorry, gotta sell.
-I told you from the beginning-- A girl's gotta eat.
Sell.
Maybe working for Casper will blow.
Maybe it'll be awesome.
I don't know.
But look at us, man-- we're kinda the opposite of awesome.
I don't know if we're gonna make it two weeks, much less two years.
I'm really sorry, dude.
Okay.
I'll set it up.
I just came by to get my things.
You're not armed, are you? Don't be such a pussy, Barrett.
Congrats on the offer.
Sorry I couldn't make it happen for you.
Thanks.
Me, too.
Dump that cheap swill and grab a glass.
Michter's Ten Year.
-A gift from Artimus Pyle.
-Artimus, who? Used to be the drummer for Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-You do know Skynyrd? -Sure.
-"Freebird!" -(scoffs) Why don't you tell me why you're haunting these halls when you should be out popping Cristal and making it rain? Guys, to selling out.
(laughs) We're doing the right thing, aren't we? Yeah, of course.
Why do you ask? Trey seemed really upset.
Oh, he'll come around.
Look, changing the world is a helluva lot easier when you have money in your pocket and a billion customers a click away.
I think this is a once-in- a-lifetime opportunity.
And somewhere, deep down, he knows that.
I guess I thought making it would feel better than this.
Hey.
You want some competish? Uh, if you feel like losing.
I'm basically unstoppable with Sauron.
I figured.
A screen name like "Da Mitch Sitch" just screams badass.
How did you know my screen name? You're on BRB.
My friends are like, obsessed with it.
(laughs) We were looking for a beer bar and it led us here.
It seems chill.
So, what's your favorite "Battlestar" episode? Well, "33" is pretty hard to argue against.
You know, it kinda just sets the whole series in motion, and it's just like, "What?" And then, uh, you know, when they reveal the four Cylon identities at the end of "Crossroads Part Two.
" -Chills, right?! -Mm-hmm.
Such a sick ep.
-Right up there with "Pegasus.
" -Ooh, an Admiral Cain girl.
(laughs) Hey, we should bump phones.
Don't we get extra points or something if we meet in person? Yeah.
That was my idea.
It, uh, it helps the algorithm, knowing which matches actually work in the wild.
I'm a developer.
-At BRB.
-Seriously? That is so frackin' cool.
(laughs) You have to meet my friends.
Okay.
-No, no.
-Oh.
Yeah.
It's just, why do I feel like I lost? 'Cause you and Nash built this thing with your bare hands.
What a feeling-- to imagine something that never existed before and will it into being.
Hard to sell that, at any cost.
(sighs) You warned me about Victoria, and I should've listened.
Hey you did what you had to do.
(sighs) Artimus Pyle.
What a story.
How so? Back in '77, Skynyrd's plane went down in Mississippi.
They'd just launched their most successful tour yet.
Pyle survived the crash that claimed three of his bandmates.
With a chestful of broken ribs, he crawls from the smoking wreckage, he stumbles through the swamp, seeking help.
His cries are answered by a local farmer, who shoots him in the shoulder for his trouble.
Artimus Pyle refused to go down with the ship, but when he woke up in the hospital, broken and bandaged, he didn't have a band to play with anymore.
Keeping BRB doesn't mean anything if I lose my friends in the process.
Sounds like you made your choice.
Congratulations, millionaire.
By signing this Letter of Intent, you hereby entitle Konvene Inc.
, heretofore known as "The Company," to commence the acquisition process.
You guys try the pesto? Best in the country.
Yeah.
It's dope.
Thanks.
It's a family owned spot over on Emerson.
You guys can have it every day if you want.
-Go ahead, try it.
-I'm good.
I sold my first company when I was 16.
To Yahoo, I know.
Not exactly the same thing though, is it? You sure? They make it with walnuts instead of pine nuts-- killer.
I mean, you sold and walked away.
We're building BRB's future together.
-Like you said.
-Of course.
The point is, it takes guts and presence of mind to know when to sell.
There's no shame in it.
Not when the time is right.
Is this the same speech you gave Lance Roe? About makers and sellers? That's good.
You should do your research.
I did my research, too.
Trey Barrett, college dropout, would-be maverick-- I'm guessing you keep the Jobs bio under your pillow.
Or maybe you sleep on a bare mattress-- better to stay hungry, focus your energy on making a dent in the universe.
Am I right? He's your lone holdout.
(laughs) Excuse me.
I know it's not Randall Hobbes.
You worked at Prodigy until they realized you weren't one.
Fired from WebVan in '03.
AskJeeves asked you to leave.
One failed venture after another.
There's not gonna be any more million-dollar cash-outs in your future.
Yeah, I quit WebVan.
So Mitch, you skipped college, but you're still living the freshman dorm experience.
I bet you thought your team here was gonna be best buds forevs, but after six months the cracks are showing, am I right? Mikki Yamoto.
You spent the last three years working odd jobs for equity and promises of paychecks to come.
You're too smart to not see this as a win-win scenario.
(sighs) BRB's a fun app.
A smart one.
That's why I want it.
But it's not a billion-dollar idea.
Not yet.
I'm offering you a chance to make it one.
Together.
And what the fuck do you know about together, exactly? You don't collaborate, you assimilate.
You've never had a co-founder, never had a team.
$15 million.
I just wanted to say that out loud, in case everyone here has forgot or something.
-I remember.
-Okay.
A team? I have 4,000 employees and a billion users.
You have a hot chick, a has-been, a hanger-on, and one good coder.
As for your visionary, he's a dime a dozen.
But I'm guessing you've always kinda known that.
And to think I used to wanna be you.
(laughs) Look at you, sitting there in your big chair.
You're all alone.
And you're weak-- it's why you're afraid of us.
Afraid of you? I could bury you.
-$50 million.
-Excuse me? The price went up.
50, five "O", million dollars.
I know I said sell before, but this guy's a prick-hole and your speech about togetherness made me misty-eyed, so Okay.
Let's, uh, just take a five-minute break.
Naw, he's right.
Konvene has sucked for a while now, and we made something awesome-- something people actually want.
60 million.
You guys gonna stand? Nobody's standing? Okay Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? A dinosaur.
Yeah.
You may be big but you move slow.
And you got a brain like a walnut.
100 mil.
Avinash, let's be honest-- your algorithm is the only reason we're sitting here.
The only reason BRB is worth anything.
Are you really gonna let these parasites drag you down? Hey, what would Mahesh say? I doubt he worked his whole life so you could pass out the keys to room 203.
200 million asshole! -(scoffs) -(laughter) I was gonna dismantle BRB anyway.
Now I don't have to spend $15 million to do it.
I've seen some epic stupidity in my life.
But that (sighs) that was next level.
Guys, what the fuck did we just do? Besides kiss off 15 million? And piss off the King of Social Media? I feel nauseous.
We just bought back our future.
How do you figure that? Casper just admitted we're a threat.
When word gets out we turned down his offer, people are gonna be very interested in BRB.
Unless he destroys us first.
Well, we're not gonna let that happen.
-No, we're not.
-No.
-No, we won't.
-Yeah, pssssh! Skills, I got skills I got skills To make it through your doorway Skills, I got skills I got skills To make it through your doorway Look at me Look at me and tell me if you've ever seen me before You know, most of the time, I'm Just too caught up with myself And what I'm doing in my mind Hey, hey! MAN: Watch all episodes of Alpha House, starring John Goodman.
-Oh, that'd be great.
-Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video Amazing.