Big Day s01e11 Episode Script

i don't thi you should marry this guy what? Aah! Don't you ever do that to me again! I love you, dan.
It's just so good how you doing, man? I'm johnny.
Oh, hey, how are you? Nice to meet you.
Damn, the things i used to do to her.
I will be officiating the wedding.
Really? We will be working together pretty closely.
bob baron.
Are you bringing the good stuff? Oh, yeah.
What's up, doc? i am very disappointed in you.
You are a doctor's wife.
Do you realize the damage you're risking to your lungs, your brain, your chromosomes? Did you even listen to that speech i gave to the boy scos last year? Do you think you could drill a hole so deep that lava comes out? I mean, you know, if you had a submarine.
You have to pull yourself together.
Your daughter's getting married.
This isn't funny.
Oh, will you relax? God, you are such a buzz kill.
Who told you my frat name? Buzz ha! Well, no sign of trauma.
What could have possibly made you think i was interested in you? Um, because i'm interested in you.
L i've never been interested in a woman before.
Attracted, yes.
Terrorized, absolutely.
Kidnapped by, once.
But interested? Never.
You gotta jump on this while you got the chance.
You don't really want this guy.
God, you're right.
I don't want someone who's sweet and handsome and successful and doesn't offer to leg-wrestle for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he isn't being investigated for insider trading, and he smells nice.
Do i? You know you do! Look, you are not a successful, stable kind of girl.
You're not gonna be happy with vanilla.
You know, fine.
I have warned you.
Skobo is off the table! Wh what? What? What what did you say? Huh? Nothing.
You you have lost out, baby.
I am gone! So i'll be in the basement.
Oh, isn't it beautiful? That short period of golden light just before sunset.
It's what photographers have long and rightfully so called "the magic hour.
" And i can't believe i'm getting married in two hours.
2 hours? Try 55 minutes.
What? danny's stupid dead-grandmother watch.
Well, just just calm down.
Calm down.
Look at me.
Do i look worried? What are we doing just standing here? I have 20 minutes to get over 200 photos.
Here's your bouquet.
Ow! Ooh, ooh, that's right.
We we left the thorns in to keep you dainty.
No one likes a bride who carries her bouquet like a beer bottle.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I can now officially perform your marriage ceremony.
I got my license renewed from the internet church of global peace.
I'm gonna need that dry-cleaning coupon there at the bottom.
I have some questions for you.
All right, well, let's walk and talk, garf, because we're pressed for time here.
Yeah.
What would you and your family like for me to include in the ceremony? Oh, danny and i will love whatever you do.
And as long as you're mostly clothed and don't refer to god as "she," my parents will be happy.
Well, of course i'm not gonna rip off my own wedding except for the bagpipes.
Gotta do the bagpipes.
Final touches! Final touches, everyone! Hey, danny.
You went to one of those colleges that didn't give grades, right? I have a question about drugs.
Well, you know, we were given a written comprehensive evaluation.
I don't care how many hugs? The literature is contradictory.
I wanna know how long it lasts when you, uh oh! I thought it smelled like a phish concert.
Well, how much did you no, it wasn't me.
It was a friend.
Oh.
Well you tell your friend to drink a cup of coffee and maybe maybe get some eyedrops.
He's looking a little bloodshot.
All right.
So you just went up to becca and told her how you felt? I thought? Turns out i can stand her a lot.
If i see sometng i want, i go out and i get it.
You know, johnny and i are in a similar situation, actually freddy, we're talking about me here.
Okay, the point is, unrequited love is for girls and ugly people.
Hmm.
What are you doing? You're embarrassing yourself.
You're embarrassing your family.
You're ruining this punch, which cost $8.
50 a head, which you insisted on, even though no one has enjoyed punch since prohibition.
Oh, prohibition when buzz kills ruled the earth.
Well, your time has passed.
Would you stop it? You are destroying all the work you have paid people to do.
I am not a destroyer.
L- i am an enjoyer.
You're the party pooper who chose this morning to tell alice you didn't want her to marry danny.
I will have you know i showed admirable restraint.
Hey, i knew danny wasn't good enough for her the first time she brought him home.
guys? Hey, guys.
If if we could all just start getting ready for photos there's a lot to do if you'll allow me, i'm a little more hysterical.
It's picture time! Get a wiggle on, everyone! Listen, if you need hair spray, gel, vaseline for that no-stick smile, than i suggest you get your heinies outside.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Move it! Move it! Oh, danny! I'm getting so nervous and excited and nervous and i think i kind of have to pee, but i'm not really sure.
Oh, god, i hope not.
This thing is a bitch to get off.
When were you gonna tell me your father doesn't want you to marry me? I guess now uh, 47 minutes before our wedding.
It's 39 minutes before our wedding.
Son of a i'm sorry.
No, i should have seen it.
I mean, he never laughed at my jokes.
He kept offering to introduce me to nurses, and he never used the wallet i made for him with his indian name burned right into it.
All right, danny, look, i know that this hurts, and this nurse thing is a new wrinkle i'd like to investigate, but i am marrying you, not my father.
Well, i have to say something to him.
Please, can't you just save it for thanksgiving when we've all been drinking? Oh, my god.
What did you do, jane? What did you do? The fountain is chocolate.
I know it is, honey, but right now it's time for pictures.
Oh, good.
Oh, here.
Let's see.
Here, big teeth.
There we go.
Oh.
That's what that was.
Yeah.
Here we go hey, lorna.
I love you.
I love you, too.
okay, so i gotta show you this.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, this'll blow your mind.
L- i can't.
Yeah, no.
Mmm, that was good.
Yum.
yeah? Big teeth.
Big teeth.
Hey, danny.
Can i borrow you for a sec? Hey, alice.
Got a minute? Hey, danny, I- i couldn't let today go by without telling you something.
I just feel like there's always been a special connection between us.
And and i have to say before it's too late i love you, danny.
I love you, alice.
Okay.
Weirdest thing just happened to me.
I think i might have you beat.
What is she doing? Oh, this is so fun.
Just screw signing the guest book.
I'm gonna have everyone do this.
You're ruining the tent! No! No, no, no, i'm not.
No, this is exactly what this tent needed.
It was too sterile.
Now it looks like a flock of turkeys.
Lorna! Ooh, someone's in trouble.
I don't want to alarm anyone, but we are ten minutes away from having to use a flash, and that means red eyes and wrinkles, people.
Red eyes and wrinkles! Hey, dad.
Can i ask you something? put some pep Everybody move it! Please hurry! Move it, skobo.
All right i'm playing the bagpipes at your wedding.
Darn it.
I just can't keep a surprise.
Uh, listen, i just found out steve told ace not to marry me.
What? Oh, danny.
What should i do? Do i confront him? Let it go.
Like when your opossum died, and we attached balloons to it, let it float away.
And it landed in the neighbor's tree, where it rotted until the spring.
Yeah.
The point is, let your anger be that opossum.
yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Thanks, dad.
Good boy.
Unless, of course, it was just playing possum.
Okay, we are gonna do a casual "90210" photo.
Uh, brandon, brenda, kelly, donna, steve.
Go! I'm dylan.
Thank you, skobo.
Could you please stand up straight? Do i have to stand next to your father? Um, if jane gets to move, then i don't wanna stand next to becca.
She keeps grabbing my ass.
I do not! You hear that, dr.
Scott? She's all over me.
Okay, guys, this is supposed to be a happy day.
Can we all just get along for six freakin' hours? Oh, i'm getting along.
Talk to your mother.
Just make sure you show her something shiny to keep her focus.
hello.
Oh, and here we have the handsome groom and his father.
I'm calm.
I'm gonna be civil.
It's it's fine.
You! I tried to let it go, you stinking possum! Dad! Come on.
What? Say you like my son! Stop it! Say you like danny! Aah! Dad! Dad! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Dad! I really should remind you, that tux is a rental.
Get him off me! Please stop it! This is my wedding day! I raised my boy to be good and kind! Aah! And gentle! Dad! Whoa! Whoa! Come on.
That's not helping.
That's not helping.
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! All right! you people suck! ?at the hell? You sucker punched me.
Well, you sucker punched my son in the heart.
Look, i know you think i'm some kind of freak.
But i did not bike here I the way from maine on a spirit quest so you could mistreat my boy.
Okay, all right, dad.
I think you made your point.
I'm sure steve is very sorry.
So why don't you go cool down now, huh? Maybe you're right All right.
Walk it off.
Ugh.
Shake it shake it out.
Good.
who is it? How did you find me? It's becca, and this is my room.
Jane, i hope you're enjoying your little magic carpet ride, because this wedding is falling apart! Shh! don't let your father know i'm here.
Did i ever tell you that bob baron once proposed to me? You were almost bob baron's daughter.
Miss becca bob baron.
I'm not sure it works that way, mom.
I was gonna be an artist.
I was learning the sitar, and i was gonna raise chickens and weave all my own clothes.
Wow, that sounds awful.
And you ve all that up? Yes.
I met your father.
He was uptight, arrogant and condescending, and he didn't have any money back then.
Oh, i tried to resist him as long as i could, but i always knew he was the one and that there would be money.
Right.
Oh, becca.
You remember that boy that you used to like so much? The one with the guitar and all the hair? Slash? Yes, slash.
I know that you have a life planned with slash, but things just happen and change in a way that we can't predict.
But, mommy, we're so perfect for each other.
You can't escape fate.
damn it, jane.
This wedding needs you! But you can hide from it.
Becca, i need you to decorate danny's car.
I'm not doing that.
Look, the maid of honor and the best man decorate the car.
Now, everyone's run off, and we are in a holding pattern until steve can get his tuxedo sewn up, at which point, we will be lucky if we can get one photo, and everyone will blink, because of course they will, and i'll get blamed for it.
And the only memento we are going to have of this blessed day will be three years off my life and this piece-of-crap car covered in tin cans.
You couldn't stay away from me, could you, baby? Dude, i am not into you! sure you are.
You are totally wrong for me! Aren't we saying the same thing? Okay, how can I how can i explain this so that you'll understand? Um it seemed like fun at the time, but last night was the biggest mistake of my life, and keep in mind, i have a creed tattoo on my ass.
Let me tell you something.
This is the first time in my life that i have slept with someone and stuck around.
You had to.
You're the best man at my sister's wedding.
You think that I could've left, but i felt something for you, and i expressed those feelings out loud, with other people listening.
You turned me gay, and i am gay for you.
You are such a pathetic loser.
And you are a crazy person who has no idea what she wants! Yeah? I know i wanna do this.
What? Ow! All right.
You know what? If that's how it's gonna be Hey! Whoa! Nice throw.
I thought you could see now.
Oh, well, these obviously aren't the right prescription, because i thought you were pretty.
I am pretty! Well, so am i, baby! So am i! no.
Dear god, no.
Uh, pictures now! We have to shoot something, anything.
Um oh! Victor, let's shoot the maid of honor and the best man decorating the car.
Oh, yeah! yeah, boy! Let's just hurry and shoot something.
Oh, my stars.
We're gonna need more soap.
Do you like the band creed? Well, i guess alice told you, huh? Yeah, i suppose honesty is an important part of marriage.
Actually, alice lied to me.
I found out by eavesdropping.
Ah.
That sounds more like the marriage i'm used to.
Look, i was wrong this morning.
I know alice loves you.
It's just she's my little girl.
It's nothing to do with you.
I wasn't gonna think anyone was good enough for he i can honestly say, um i'm glad that you're the person i don't approve of.
Thanks, steve.
Can i give you a hug? Ah, what the hell.
What are two doing? We are trying to stage a beautiful moment outside.
Move it! Yeah.
Move it.
Move it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We decorated the car.
That's your business.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Let's go.
Please hurry, people.
This is our last hope.
Hey, dad.
Steve apologized to me.
Ah, good.
And, steve, i'm sorry i wrestled you to the ground, but you insulted my cub, and i have a very powerful mothering instinct.
Yeah, well, i'm i'm sorry if my kidneys bruised your fist.
Hurry.
Get in a line.
Just, um oh, stand anywhere you want, people.
Just smile, damn it.
Smile.
Okay.
That's beautiful.
Okay.
One two three wait, where's alice? She's not there? Oh, no, no, no, no.
alice? No, you can't take it without the bride! Alice, you're missing your day! alice! Alice! Alice? How did you find me? Well, you'd be surprised how many people remember a bride running down the street.
So, uh is it cold feet? No.
No, of course not.
Why'd you take off? I don't know.
Everybody was arguing and rolling around in the dirt, and my mother was acting like becca at her junior high graduation.
And i just thought, this is not how i pictured my wedding.
I should've listened to you when you said we should just run off and get married.
Well, i was 13 when i said that.
Yeah.
But if you had let me use your mascara to darken my moustache, i'm pretty sure we could have pulled it off.
You know what? We still can.
Let's elope.
can we do that? Why not? It would be so romantic.
Well, yeah that's interesting.
We don't have to give the presents back.
Yeah? Just once just once i'd like to see a wedding i plan actually go off.
The light is lovely.
Seems a shame to waste it.
Oh, fig.
Devil eyes.
So what do you think? Now that you and i are all you know.
and telling her not to come.
What? Yeah, but my gut's telling me to play it out with her for the wedding.
I used her miles to get my ticket.
But hey it's totally your call, okay? It's just i don't want to be a jerk about it.
Now i remember why i stopped doing that horrible stuff.
I like being in control.
I thrive on tension.
I know you do, honey.
oh, now look what i've done.
I've ruined alice's wedding.
And and while i was out of it, some idiot desecrated our tent with chocolate hand-turkeys.
Why didn't you stop them, steve? Good to have you back, honey.
Okay, let's just focus.
Now where's alice?