Bizaardvark (2016) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Please, you have to sign me as your agent.
How can I change your mind? Talk to me.
I know your time is valuable, but Bernie Schotz wants to be in business with the Jerky Mime Channel.
I would not lose all your money.
What kind of agent do you think I am? Okay, I did that one time.
Oh, what up, Jerky Mime? Bernie, you okay? I haven't seen you this sad since we caught you getting a haircut at the "sit in little racecars and get a balloon" place.
Only good boys get a balloon.
No one at Vuuugle wants me to be their agent.
Bizaardvark is still my only clients.
Well, your only clients need your help.
"Get Out! With Britt Pickles" is coming to Vuuugle to shoot her Web show, and we want to be on it.
Everyone that goes on her show becomes a huge star.
We tried calling, but they don't take you seriously unless your agent calls.
How can I call myself a real agent if I only have one client? Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Yeah.
Bernie, you're definitely cut out for this.
You just need to build up your confidence.
Maybe you're meeting with the wrong kind of people.
Or maybe you're not a people person? Have you thought about animal clients? Animals on the Internet? I feel like you might be on to something.
(snorts) With this pig's skateboarding skills and Bernie's agent skills, the sky is the limit.
Now, we can't discuss business on an empty stomach.
Can I offer you some lunch? I have ham bacon and pulled pork.
(squeals) So you're a rabbit who wears hats? That's a great hook! Bernie's just in the bathroom, but I have a feeling you two are gonna hit it off big-time.
Hey, guys.
Check out this stupid hat I found.
Isn't it the dumbest thing you've ever seen? Oh, come on! (purrs) I just don't see it.
Listen, kid, let me give you some advice.
Cheer up.
The world wants to laugh.
Now get out of my office.
Next animal! Bernie, that's Grumpy Cat! You're telling me.
Wait, what? I'm sorry.
Uh, I would love to represent you.
Have you thought about wearing funny hats? (theme music plays) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Hey, Pickle Nation! It's me, Britt Pickles! "Get Out!" is getting out and headed to Vuuugle LA! I'll have lots of special guests and of course, I'll be bringing my pickle launcher.
Yeah! She's bringing the launcher?! We gotta get on that show.
- Hi! - (both scream) It's me, Belissa.
Bizaardvark's biggest fan.
Belissa, are you still interning here? Yep! They keep firing me, but I have access to the badge-making machine! (laughing) You're my life force.
Uh, hey, Belissa, I forgot.
How much do you love us? - This much! - Run! Hi, can you mail these autographed photos out to my fans? Okay.
And you are? Uh, Amelia? Amelia Amelia! As in "Perfect Perfection With.
" Are you on the maintenance staff? (laughing) Am I on the maintenance No.
I have the most successful beauty channel at Vuuugle! Okay.
So now that you realize your mistake, you can subscribe to my channel.
No thanks.
I subscribe to Bizaardvark.
Bye.
That girl will subscribe to my channel.
Hey! Get ready to meet the newest addition to the Bernie Schotz Entertainment empire.
If you like dogs, but think they're a little too friendly then you're gonna love - cats! - (meowing) So, wait.
You could have signed Grumpy Cat, but instead you chose two smelly street cats you obviously found in a Dumpster? Uhp-uhp-uhp! Behind a Dumpster.
Look, any agent can work with big stars.
A good agent finds talent that needs a lot of work and builds them up into big stars, like I did with you two.
Both: Uh Open the crates and be dazzled as my cats make their way through this elaborate obstacle course.
(cameras beep) And open! (yowling) Aah! (Bernie screaming, cats yowling) Oww, my face! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Should we help him? Yeah, probably.
(screaming continues) Whew.
Meow.
We're close.
Wait, there's only one of them in the (growling) Aah! Aah! The fur is in my mouth! Aah! Oh, the pain! The pain is unbearable! Help me, plea Aah! (screaming) Is the other one still in the crate? Bernie I'm so sorry.
(cat screeches) Aah! You texted that you wanted to see me? Oh, how embarrassing.
You caught me and my numerous awards by surprise.
That is embarrassing.
So So, I went through all of my 3.
7 million subscribers one by one, and I didn't see your name.
- My name's Belissa! - Yes.
I know.
You're the first person who's met me and hasn't wanted to subscribe to my channel.
But once you see what I do, I'm sure you'll change your mind.
Let's start with a makeover.
Why would I want a makeover? I like me the way I am.
Okay I also do a lot of DIY projects.
Like, I can make lip balm out of rose petals.
I like my lips cracked, that way I can hear it when I smile.
(crackling) Uh I can also teach you how to make a "Perfectly Perfect Salad.
" I only eat sugar.
Bye! Hey, Bernie, we got you a get-well card.
They only had one with a cat on the front.
I hope that doesn't trigger anything.
- (laughing) - Oww, my face! What are you watching? I posted the video of the cats attacking me and it went viral.
Oh, the pain! The pain is unbearable! Wait, are those cats pulling you up the stairs? (phone rings) Bernie Schotz Entertainment.
It's The Britt Pickles show! (both gasp) Really? You want my clients on the show? They would love to do it.
See you tomorrow.
Guess what! You two are gonna be on "Get Out! With Britt Pickles.
" (screaming) I'm sorry, could you guys scooch out of the way? I'm trying to tell the cats they're going on the Britt Pickles show.
Both: What?! (meowing) So proud of you girls.
I'd give you a hug, but we all know how that would end.
Bernie! You got your cats on the Britt Pickles show instead of us?! You know how much we wanted that.
It's not my fault.
The producers saw my cat attack video.
Maybe if you two had attacked my face, they would have chosen you.
Paige, get the camera.
Now, ladies, I would love to continue this conversation, but I have to go to the doctor to get a bunch of shots.
Who knew alley cats were riddled with disease? I can't believe these smelly cats get to be on the Britt Pickles show and we don't.
I have an idea.
What if we tame the cats? Then Bernie won't have an act.
And since the show will be streaming live, he'll have to put us on to save the day.
But I don't know how to tame a cat.
I do.
Okay, promise you won't laugh, but I am a cat whisperer.
(snickers) Continue.
My aunt has a bunch of cats, and over time, I've learned techniques to calm them down, like soft ear nuzzles and butterfly kisses on their bellies.
(chortles) Not about you, I was thinking about a cartoon.
I even put up a few videos online under the name "TameDaKitty.
" (laughs) I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't laugh.
I do weird stuff too.
Ah, I am such a hypocrite.
Hey! Hey! (cats meowing) Now, the first rule of cat whispering is to be on their level.
So get on your hands and knees and speak like they do.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow Wow, we are really doing this.
Okay.
Meow.
Meow.
Paige, they're not tabby cats.
Okay.
Uh Mee-ow! Mee-ow! They're not dying cats, either.
- Meeyow! - Whoa! Paige, that's their word! Well, I don't know.
I'm a dog person! Listen, it's not "meow," it's "meow.
" Hear the difference? No.
(both meowing) (high-pitched meowing) I can't believe this worked.
I'm sorry I doubted your methods.
One question though.
Why did I have to use a giant litter box? Oh, you didn't.
That was just to get you back for laughing at me.
(laughing) Hey, Bernie.
The Britt Pickles people are upstairs setting up - and (gasps) - (meows) Oh my! What's going on here? They won't use their claws or their teeth.
They just want to love me! They might as well be dogs.
Wow, Frankie, Bernie's cats are somehow tame.
Oh, the timing! That's too bad.
Attacking you was really their only skill.
It's a shame they don't have a real talent, like playing guitar or keyboard.
Girls, you just saved my little tushy.
I mean my, uh, big boy butt Uh, Grandma calls it You know what? Thank you.
"Get Out!" Crowd: With Britt Pickles! That's me.
(cheering) Vuuugle LA! Tonight's guest is Bernie Schotz and a couple of special young ladies.
This is it, Frankie.
This is the big time.
(electronic music playing) Ladies and gentlemen! You've seen them claw my eyes, now let them warm your hearts! Introducing Puff and Frankie! (cheering) (Bizaardvark music playing) - Frankie and Paige: This is the - Bernie: Meow, Meow song The Meow, Meow song The Meow, Meow song Cats! Cats! (cheering) Bernie, what'd you do?! Your stupid cat act is a direct copy of Bizaardvark! Whoa, I don't know where you got that idea.
First of all, they're cats, you're people.
Why are we still talking? Okay, that's a good point.
But I have the right to "borrow" Bizaardvark's style.
After all, I'm the one who discovered you in the first place.
(with British accent) A song for your lunch money, guv'nor? (with British accent) Please, sir, may I have some representation? (bike bell ringing) You girls there! I shall transform you into famous stars! But kind sir, we have no skills.
Plus, we don't know how to do anything.
Well, that's all about to change.
Say goodbye to your disgusting lives and follow me! Onward, Brixton! Bernie, the only thing realistic in that story was that you don't know how to ride a bike.
Please, I don't have to take this.
Brixton! Maybe I did imagine that.
I can't believe Bernie ripped us off with those cats! Let's get online right now and tell the truth about that dingus.
Yeah, I'm bringing "dingus" back.
Uh-oh, Frankie, I think it's too late.
Look at these comments.
"Just watched my first Bizaardvark video.
"I liked it better the first time when it was called 'Puff and Frankie.
'" "The Comeback Song is a total rip-off of The Meow Meow Song.
" Those cats are gonna ruin us.
(in menacing tone) Unless those cats disappear.
(in menacing tone) Yeah.
And we're the ones who can do it.
Yeah.
It's fun to talk like this, isn't it? Yeah.
Is your throat starting to hurt? (normal voice) Yeah, a little let's go.
One Paige and Frankie.
Two Paige and Frankie.
Three Paige and Frankie.
Subscribe to "Perfect Perfection with Amelia.
" Something's wrong.
(shrieks) Amelia, what are you doing in here? You can't just sneak into someone's bedroom.
That's nutball behavior.
No, it isn't.
I'm here for a subscribe-over uh, sleepover! Is your room an exact replica of Frankie's bedroom? Not exact.
Real Frankie's not in it.
Only the life-sized wax mannequin I made.
That's Frankie's real hair.
Now I think you should leave.
Belissa, why don't you like me? I've never met someone who doesn't want to subscribe to my channel.
Wait.
Do you want me to like you or subscribe to your channel? What's the difference? Amelia, there's a difference between who you are and what you put online.
And if you can't separate the two, then you're crazy.
Right, Frankie? (Frankie's voice) Right, Belissa.
(screaming) I should have mentioned I put a voice box in it! Hey, who wants to go snoop around in Old Man McFlannigan's barn? But, Frankie, that place is haunted! Oh, the wacky adventures we get into! (cats meowing) This doesn't feel right.
Don't you think getting rid of the cats might be going too far? Paige, we just got here! How can you already be on the moral high ground? Because Bernie was so down about not having any other clients, and just because it affects us negatively doesn't mean You know what, it's fine.
Every time we have this kind of argument, you're always right.
Let's just leave the cats here, and Oh! there they go! (meows) - Frankie! - What?! No, I'm calling for the cat.
Human Frankie, you search over there.
Wait, I'm "Human Frankie" now, but the cat is just "Frankie?" Well, the cat's not gonna respond to "Cat Frankie.
" Girls I think you owe me an apology.
Bernie, we are so sor No, wait, I said that wrong.
I owe you an apology.
Man, I practiced so many times.
Guys, I messed up.
I guess I wanted another client so badly, I lost sight of our friendship.
We all lose sight of things friendship, cats.
Anyway, I called Britt Pickles and she had this great idea where I could give Puff and Frankie to a little girl, live on the air.
And I said I'd do it if you guys got to play a song.
Really? You did that for us? Yeah, you're my two most important clients.
As long as I'm repping you guys, I consider myself a success.
Wow.
Thanks, Bernie.
(cats yowling) Hey! Hey! And now, since Bernie Schotz Entertainment will be focusing on its most talented clients, Bizaardvark, I'd like you, cute little girl, to give Puff and Frankie the good home they deserve.
(cheering) You think anyone's going to notice we put in two different cats? (cats yowling) Aah! (screaming) Well, you're the one who always does the right thing.
What do you think we should do? Bernie: Oww, my face! Run! Aah! When I first saw you, blob fish I said I really like your style Welcome back to hour seven of the "Amelia Watches Bizaardvark Videos" marathon.
Coming up next, more Bizaardvark videos! Bizaardvark! Bizaardvark! Bizaardvark! Bizaardvark! Wow, Amelia! I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about this new direction that I'm really responding to.
I'm gonna go subscribe to your channel right now! Everybody likes me.
Hey! Hey! Thanks for giving me another chance, Grumpy Cat.
I really think you're gonna want to sign with me when you hear the mega hits I've produced with other cats.
(electronic music playing) Bernie's voice: This is the Meow, Meow song The Meow, Meow song The Meow, Meow song Cats! Cats! No, not a hip-hop fan? That's okay, I got others.
Frankie and Paige: You gotta love the - Bernie: Meow, meow - Frankie and Paige: And all their helpful Bernie: Cats Oh, boy, uh Uh, I know what you need, hard rock.
Feast your fluffy ears on this.
(rock music plays) Frankie and Paige: Everything's better with Bernie: Meow, meow! (meowing guitar solo) Yeah.
So, you ready to sign? (purring) Oh.
Disappointed to hear that.
Best of luck with your "career.
" (door slams)