Bordertown (2016) s01e11 Episode Script
La Fiesta Noche Show
1 Oh, you're making this too easy for me.
- Hold it right there, Coyote! - (all gasping) Don't worry.
We'll just cross the border in an alternate dimension.
(whooshing) (in robotic voice): Hold it right there, Coyote! (whooshing, explosion) (whooshing) (growling) (whooshing) Okay, vámonos! (high-pitched): Hey, what do you think you're doing?! - Stop! - (high-pitched): Damn it, Buckwald.
We've got much bigger problems than immigration! (shrieks) Butterfly! (butterfly munching) (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Hey, I got the mail.
Bud, the latest issue of Suicide Weekly came in.
There's always so many ads for al-Qaeda in here.
What's this? "You are invited to a banquet in your honor for your service as a border agent.
" You hear that? I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve.
Oh, Bud, I'm so proud of you.
You got accolades in Desert Storm, but this time, they won't be from Saddam.
Hola, Buckwalds! What are you all dressed up for? Oh, just a banquet in my honor.
Something a lawn barber like yourself wouldn't know about.
Hi, I'm your chauffeur for your Gardener-of-the-Year banquet.
Oh, a stretch lawnmower! So, sir, where are you from? (crowd chatter) Wow, this place is nice.
Yeah, last time I was in a place this fancy, I was being auctioned off to the sheik.
It's hard to believe that boy who used to drink gasoline for money ended up an honored border agent.
God, I could go for a glass of Chevron 97 right now.
Welcome, everyone.
We all came to this great country hoping for a better life.
And thanks to one border agent, Bud Buckwald, we have made it across and have flourished.
Dad, this banquet is hosted by an organization of successful immigrant businessmen.
They're honoring you for letting them into the country.
What?! Hey, the last time I saw that guy, he was a walking bush! Hello.
I'm the owner of this banquet hall.
This morning, it was located in Méjico.
I thought, "No way I'll get an entire building past Bud.
" But here we are.
I don't always cross the border, but when I do, I cross past Bud Buckwald.
Hello.
I used to struggle as an underqualified geography teacher in Méjico.
But now, thanks to Bud, I've built a new life here in this wonderful country of Czechoslovakia.
(applause) Wow, Bud, through your incompetence, you've actually done a really great thing.
- They're all lying! - Don't get upset, Dad.
Just try to have fun laughing at this idiot border agent everyone's making fun of.
Bud, these people are trying to be nice to you.
Just sit back and smile vacantly like I do whenever I'm married to you.
I have never been so humiliated in my life, and I invented AIDS.
I was making minestrone, and it kind of got away from me.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to La Fiesta Noche Show! I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ha! It worked! (laughter) Ay, ay, ay! (laughter) Well, that's why you get a prenup.
This show is so funny.
It's the only time I forget the face of the man I killed.
Fans, next week, La Fiesta Noche Show hits the road for a week of shows in Mexifornia! BOTH: Mexifornia?! MARIA: Ernesto, come on, we have to go to my mother's for a week! Thanks for not putting up a big fight about going to my mother's this time.
(window lowering) Pepito, get back in the car before you Pepito! Ernesto, turn around! Why won't you turn around?! That banquet made me out to be a fool! And to think I got my hair done for it! Stavros did all this work, and now, I've wasted his time! Oh, Bud, you're overreacting.
It was a lovely evening.
I brought home this nice gift basket they gave you.
What is this? Two tickets to something called La Fiesta Noche Show? La Fiesta Noche Show?! (slide whistle blows) Hola, Bud! I couldn't help but hear you were going to throw out tickets to Fiesta Noche.
My father and I have watched that show together for 40 years.
It's the one thing we have in common.
Forget it! You wanting 'em makes me want 'em! You wanted 'em, right? No Yes! Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! PLACIDO: Ernesto! I just won Fiesta Noche tickets in a radio contest! Papi, that's great! ("Linus and Lucy" playing) Oh, Bud, this is going to be fun.
Hola, Bud! Damn it, Ernesto, leave me alone! You're like the Bud to the guy I stalk.
Hi, Richard! Why did you move here?! I left Michigan to get away from you! He hates when other people pick his kids up from school.
(drumroll, applause and cheering) (upbeat music plays) Bienvenidos, Mexifornia! Welcome to Fiesta Noche! ERNESTO: We love you, Don! Did that get on TV? Am I on TV? PLACIDO: We won't know until we watch! (band plays upbeat tune, laughter) (whistles) (laughter and applause) (laughter) Someday I want to slit a silly man's throat.
Start with animals, son.
This show is terrible! How can this be a comedy without Will Arnett? We have to like him.
It's been decided.
There's no getting around it.
It took us 15 years to get rid of Bonnie Hunt.
I don't have that kind of energy anymore! Señor, why don't you join me onstage? (applause and cheering) I don't know how you say "no" in Spanish, but I assume it involves blowing a horn or something.
(horn blowing) Bud, you just blew the "yes" horn! Jean-Claude Van Damme it! (applause and cheering) All right, what do you want? All I want is for everyone to have fun.
Even border patrol agents.
(laughter) How dare you laugh at me! I'll deport all of you! First you got to catch me.
- You little son of a bitch! - (laughter) Hey, get back here! (laughter and applause, band plays upbeat tune) Go back to Mexico! Oh! (applause and cheering) Son of a sassin frassin.
What are you, keeping a turn it? I'll curdle your farfen carson! (applause and cheering) What a waste of pie! Children are starving in my basement! Well, that settles it.
This family can never go out.
They made me look like a fool.
Bud, you're in the wrong house.
They made me look like a fool.
(phone ringing) Who the hell is this? Mr.
Buckwald, it's Don Sacramento from La Fiesta Noche Show.
We heard from our viewers after tonight's taping, and they love you! You're a star in Mexico! In Mexico?! That's right, so you may want to brace yourself for the onslaught of the chicken paparazzi.
CHICKEN: Bawk-Bawk-Bawk Bawk-Bawk-Bawk.
Buckwald! Bud Buckwald! Bud Buckwald! SACRAMENTO: Mr.
Buckwald, due to the popularity of your appearance on Fiesta Noche, we'd like to invite you back for another taping.
Sorry, Sacramento.
Three years ago, George Lopez and I took an oath to never make Mexicans laugh.
He's lived up to his end of the bargain, and now it's my turn.
Bud, why'd you turn him down? That's exciting! You're a hit! Because a man of my station in life deserves respect.
I'm not their clown.
I got too much, uh What's that called when you think you're too good to do something? You're asking the wrong guy! Oh, Bud, don't be so sensitive.
You're just putting on a show for fun.
There's no shame in that.
You don't seem ashamed that we have to disguise our house from creditors.
Hey, where's that house I'm supposed to foreclose on? Excuse me, Miss, do you know where 25200 Cedar Road is? JANICE: Nope, just me here.
Oh.
Well, can I give you a ride somewhere? What am I doing? I'm married.
Hola, Bud! I've never said "hola" to a celebrity before! (screaming) What the hell are you talking about? All of my relatives watched you on Fiesta Noche and are big fans.
They have so many questions.
"Can he really eat 13 pizzas in one sitting like the Internet says?" "Does he have the coolest neighbor in the world?" (laughs) That was me.
You see that, Fidencio?! I live next to a big star! What's that? I couldn't hear you over the voice of my 59-year-old girlfriend.
Look at that body.
Can you believe she's had 37 kids? (wind whistling) My hat! Buckwald, there's a bunch of vultures out there feasting on a rotting boar carcass.
Chase them away, then eat the rest of the carcass so they don't come back.
I've been working here 20 years, I'm still treated like crap.
What the Ford Tough? (gasping, crowd chatter) Hey, what are you doing here?! Go back to Mexico! (laughter) Oh, my God, he said it! I want him to deport my babies.
(truck horn blowing) MAN: Cherry pie is a kind of pie That has a sexual double meaning.
I wish this bar could afford the rights to real stripper songs.
Bud, you haven't paid your tab in weeks.
People are supposed to pay for Coors Light? Yuck.
Sorry, Bud, you leave me no choice.
(rock song playing) Bud! What do you mean, you're gonna play sock-penis funk rock all night and don't care what anyone says? (grunting) MAN: There he is! Bud! Bud! Bud! Come drink with us! (sighs) (laughter) Hola, Bud! Ernesto, will you tell these guys to stop staring at me? You know, Bud, the ability to make people laugh is a rare gift, and you've got it.
They love you in Mexico, Bud.
Look at all these Bud fan pages.
The hottest selling app in Mexico is Angry Buds.
Bawk! Fartsocks! Tweet! Oof! And here's someone who started impersonating you on Twitter.
He's posting a bunch of racist statements under your name.
No, that's me.
They may laugh at you, but their laughter is a form of respect.
Respect, huh? Maybe I will go back on Fiesta Noche.
But I'll need you there to translate.
Sure, Bud.
Hey, cheers! I don't normally drink tequila.
Neither do I, but this calls for a toast! (organ playing "Wedding March") We can stay anywhere but Bally's.
My dad saw a ghost there.
(applause, band playing lively music) Uh-oh, looks like somebody called la migra.
- (crowd booing, shouting) - What do you mean "somebody"? Hey, you asked me to be here.
(laughter) What are you all laughing at? The only person who's got a right to laugh at me is my cardiologist! (laughter, whistling) Aw, go back to Mexico! (whooping) He's so funny.
I wonder if he's got a daughter who should be famous, too.
Bud, you were amazing! That's the hardest I've laughed at a guy not dressed like a bumblebee.
Hey, a guy dressed like a bumblebee! (cackling laughter) Ah Mr.
Buckwald, your fans in Mexico love you! Would you honor us by joining Fiesta Noche for a three-week stop in Mexico City? You would, of course, be handsomely compensated.
Handsomely? Yes, handsomely.
Oh, crap! It's Lorne Michaels! Your 40-year-old variety comedy show sucks! Your 40-year-old variety comedy show sucks! (grunting) Remember that skit with the breasts? Which one was that? Oh, yeah all of them! Did that horse ever get his face back from Seth Meyers? TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Familia Feud.
All right, Javier, play or pass? Play.
Great! Reyes family, you're up.
- - (applause) Oh, crap, I forgot the question card.
Everyone, I've got an announcement to make.
I'm moving to Mexico! NARRATOR (Southern accent): Well, looks like ol' Bud is moving to Mexico.
Amazing how sometimes you end up inside the thing you hate.
Right, Sharon? Bud, you're moving to Mexico to be on La Fiesta Noche Show? It's only for six weeks, and I have no plans to fake my own death if things go well, in case you hear that things are going well and that I'm dead.
Sorry in advance they never found the body.
Well, Bud, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shocked and that I'm not going to explore my options while you're gone, but I understand why you have to go.
Oh, you're so lucky you'll get to experience the wonders of Méjico.
- Why are you saying it like that? - What? He's going to Méjico.
You should go to Oaxaca.
They have the best ta-ha-cos.
I've never read a book, but I think you're a phony.
Thanks for understanding, Maria.
It's Papi's and my chance to live our dreams.
But what about your work? I'm taking it with me.
Ugh! Why do I let it pile up like that? (lively, traditional Mexican song playing) (cheering) You know, uh, I'm not sure coming down here was such a good idea.
We've only been here three hours and I've been kidnapped six times.
Don't worry, Bud, I'll show you the ropes in Mexico.
See, the first rule is to cross the border when Buckwald is working.
(hissing breath) Ooh, I just broke the second rule of Mexico, which is, don't say this to Bud.
Mr.
Buckwald, welcome! We're thrilled that you decided to be part of our show.
Yeah, could you pay me in American dollars? Mexican currency looks like a funhouse.
I want serious money with pyramids that have eyeballs.
Don Sacramento! Hi! I'm Ernesto Gonzalez.
This is my father, Plácido.
We're huge fans of the show.
Papi? I'm not ready.
Come on, Papi, do the song you were gonna do for him.
- No! - It's probably for the best.
His song was very sexual.
(birds chirping) Well, Bud, let's get you settled in.
We've provided you with your own private villa.
This is amazing.
Finally, I'm getting treatment befitting a star.
Oh, I forgot to mention you'll be sharing the villa with my 22-year-old daughter.
I should warn you, I sunbathe topless a lot.
And my girlfriends like to come over all the time.
Does she really have to stay here? It's so good to see mi familia in Méjico.
Gracias for letting us stay.
So what's Bud like in person? He's a great guy.
I'd say I'm his best friend, because he called me his least favorite friend and I know he has no other friends.
Plácido, what are you doing here? I missed my hometown.
Something about coming here, meditating on my seminal experiences, puts all of life's struggles into perspective.
The brothel closed down two years ago.
Señor Buckwald, our finest table.
Andy Garcias.
You know, Ernesto, Mexico ain't so bad.
They treat me well here.
I finally get respect, and I got to say, I owe it all to you.
Ah, Bud, for a comedic actor, you sure know how to bring on the waterworks.
Señor Buckwald, you've just been elected mayor! - Mayor?! - Your people await you.
(crowd cheering) (over speakers): Uh I will work hard for you.
(cheering stops) Bud, the people only respond to fear.
(cheering) Uh, what happened to the last mayor? He was assassinated.
You're the 12th mayor elected today.
What's the municipal budget look like? It's in bad shape.
All right, let's get to work.
(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) I am not gonna say it.
(sighs) Go back to Mexico.
(laughter) (audience laughter on TV) (laughs) This guy's hilarious.
He must be the guest of honor at my party Saturday night.
(chuckles) He can't be the guest of honor it's my birthday party.
Why would we throw you a birthday party three days after you died? (gunshot) Here's the water you asked for, Bud.
Aw, damn it, Ernesto! I asked for that five minutes ago.
And I'm having a bad mustache day I need to borrow yours.
(loud rip) This thing sucks.
Doesn't even stick.
(both gasp) Bud Buckwald, you're invited to a party at Pablo Barracuda's.
Oh, cool.
Can I see the invitation? Yeah.
it's at the end of this bat.
I don't see any invitation.
Oh, there it is "7:00 p.
m.
, cocktail casual.
Entertainment provided by Foreigner.
" Heh.
Which one? (grunts) I don't want to be at this stupid party.
I'm just gonna get a pie thrown in my face again.
Look, Bud, when Pablo Barracuda invites you to a party, you show up.
Also, it gives me a chance to wear my party belt buckle.
How is that a party belt buckle? It's just a mirror.
Can I do a line off your belt buckle? I don't know "it's just a mirror.
" There's my guy! Everyone, please welcome the funniest man in show business, Bud Buckwald! (people whooping) Bud, would you please do us the honor of saying well, you know.
(sighs) Go back to Mexico.
(laughter) Hey! He's not laughing! BARRACUDA: Beheadsman! Sorry.
It's okay I saw the ax, and I stood by you anyway.
You ready, Bud? You know, Ernesto, I wanted to change things up a bit tonight, so I wrote this sketch for me to do.
"Bud Buckwald enters.
"He is a cross between John Wayne, Charles Bronson and the arm on the Arm & Hammer box.
" Bud, what is this? You play the funny border agent.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of that I want to play the hero, the guy that gets respect, not the guy who gets a pie in his face.
But, Bud, the audience loves you as the guy that gets the pie in the face.
You're the most popular guy on the show.
Yeah, well, I want respect.
And trust me, there's nothing audiences love more than when popular comedians suddenly decide they want to be taken seriously.
Like when O.
J.
Simpson stopped doing Naked Gun movies to be in that murder mystery.
People were riveted! And now he's President of the United States.
(villainous chuckle) Once you're taken care of, I'm going to change the socioeconomic demographics of the United States forever! (villainous chuckle) Who are you? (imitating John Wayne): They call me Bud Buckwald, the man with no name.
I give up! I could never defeat your muscles.
You and what army? (quiet pop) (exhales) (loud booing) What the hell is he doing? This is what happens when you let white people write material catered to Mexicans.
Someone throw a pie! (audience laughter) (audience jeering) (gasps) He's ruined my favorite show! Kill him! Which one is he talking about? I haven't been watching.
Me either, but probably the guy on his shirt.
You're smart.
You're, like, the best henchman.
Oh, stop.
ERNESTO: Uh-oh, Bud, I think it's time to go.
We'll never escape! Let's keep going.
What do you mean? Keep going, Ernesto.
You mean it? (tires squeal) (airplane engine sputtering) (crash) What a reckless pilot.
Oh, it's so good to have our men home.
Bud, thanks for letting me be part of Fiesta Noche.
It was a childhood dream come true.
Thanks for all your help down in Mexico.
I guess I blew a big opportunity, but all I was looking for was a little respect.
Well, you've got a family that respects you right here in this house.
Oh, look an invitation came for you in the mail.
You are accordingly invited to a banquet, to honor your service as a sexy husband.
25200-0 Road in the bedrom.
Oh, thank you.
- Hold it right there, Coyote! - (all gasping) Don't worry.
We'll just cross the border in an alternate dimension.
(whooshing) (in robotic voice): Hold it right there, Coyote! (whooshing, explosion) (whooshing) (growling) (whooshing) Okay, vámonos! (high-pitched): Hey, what do you think you're doing?! - Stop! - (high-pitched): Damn it, Buckwald.
We've got much bigger problems than immigration! (shrieks) Butterfly! (butterfly munching) (screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Hey, I got the mail.
Bud, the latest issue of Suicide Weekly came in.
There's always so many ads for al-Qaeda in here.
What's this? "You are invited to a banquet in your honor for your service as a border agent.
" You hear that? I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve.
Oh, Bud, I'm so proud of you.
You got accolades in Desert Storm, but this time, they won't be from Saddam.
Hola, Buckwalds! What are you all dressed up for? Oh, just a banquet in my honor.
Something a lawn barber like yourself wouldn't know about.
Hi, I'm your chauffeur for your Gardener-of-the-Year banquet.
Oh, a stretch lawnmower! So, sir, where are you from? (crowd chatter) Wow, this place is nice.
Yeah, last time I was in a place this fancy, I was being auctioned off to the sheik.
It's hard to believe that boy who used to drink gasoline for money ended up an honored border agent.
God, I could go for a glass of Chevron 97 right now.
Welcome, everyone.
We all came to this great country hoping for a better life.
And thanks to one border agent, Bud Buckwald, we have made it across and have flourished.
Dad, this banquet is hosted by an organization of successful immigrant businessmen.
They're honoring you for letting them into the country.
What?! Hey, the last time I saw that guy, he was a walking bush! Hello.
I'm the owner of this banquet hall.
This morning, it was located in Méjico.
I thought, "No way I'll get an entire building past Bud.
" But here we are.
I don't always cross the border, but when I do, I cross past Bud Buckwald.
Hello.
I used to struggle as an underqualified geography teacher in Méjico.
But now, thanks to Bud, I've built a new life here in this wonderful country of Czechoslovakia.
(applause) Wow, Bud, through your incompetence, you've actually done a really great thing.
- They're all lying! - Don't get upset, Dad.
Just try to have fun laughing at this idiot border agent everyone's making fun of.
Bud, these people are trying to be nice to you.
Just sit back and smile vacantly like I do whenever I'm married to you.
I have never been so humiliated in my life, and I invented AIDS.
I was making minestrone, and it kind of got away from me.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to La Fiesta Noche Show! I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ha! It worked! (laughter) Ay, ay, ay! (laughter) Well, that's why you get a prenup.
This show is so funny.
It's the only time I forget the face of the man I killed.
Fans, next week, La Fiesta Noche Show hits the road for a week of shows in Mexifornia! BOTH: Mexifornia?! MARIA: Ernesto, come on, we have to go to my mother's for a week! Thanks for not putting up a big fight about going to my mother's this time.
(window lowering) Pepito, get back in the car before you Pepito! Ernesto, turn around! Why won't you turn around?! That banquet made me out to be a fool! And to think I got my hair done for it! Stavros did all this work, and now, I've wasted his time! Oh, Bud, you're overreacting.
It was a lovely evening.
I brought home this nice gift basket they gave you.
What is this? Two tickets to something called La Fiesta Noche Show? La Fiesta Noche Show?! (slide whistle blows) Hola, Bud! I couldn't help but hear you were going to throw out tickets to Fiesta Noche.
My father and I have watched that show together for 40 years.
It's the one thing we have in common.
Forget it! You wanting 'em makes me want 'em! You wanted 'em, right? No Yes! Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! PLACIDO: Ernesto! I just won Fiesta Noche tickets in a radio contest! Papi, that's great! ("Linus and Lucy" playing) Oh, Bud, this is going to be fun.
Hola, Bud! Damn it, Ernesto, leave me alone! You're like the Bud to the guy I stalk.
Hi, Richard! Why did you move here?! I left Michigan to get away from you! He hates when other people pick his kids up from school.
(drumroll, applause and cheering) (upbeat music plays) Bienvenidos, Mexifornia! Welcome to Fiesta Noche! ERNESTO: We love you, Don! Did that get on TV? Am I on TV? PLACIDO: We won't know until we watch! (band plays upbeat tune, laughter) (whistles) (laughter and applause) (laughter) Someday I want to slit a silly man's throat.
Start with animals, son.
This show is terrible! How can this be a comedy without Will Arnett? We have to like him.
It's been decided.
There's no getting around it.
It took us 15 years to get rid of Bonnie Hunt.
I don't have that kind of energy anymore! Señor, why don't you join me onstage? (applause and cheering) I don't know how you say "no" in Spanish, but I assume it involves blowing a horn or something.
(horn blowing) Bud, you just blew the "yes" horn! Jean-Claude Van Damme it! (applause and cheering) All right, what do you want? All I want is for everyone to have fun.
Even border patrol agents.
(laughter) How dare you laugh at me! I'll deport all of you! First you got to catch me.
- You little son of a bitch! - (laughter) Hey, get back here! (laughter and applause, band plays upbeat tune) Go back to Mexico! Oh! (applause and cheering) Son of a sassin frassin.
What are you, keeping a turn it? I'll curdle your farfen carson! (applause and cheering) What a waste of pie! Children are starving in my basement! Well, that settles it.
This family can never go out.
They made me look like a fool.
Bud, you're in the wrong house.
They made me look like a fool.
(phone ringing) Who the hell is this? Mr.
Buckwald, it's Don Sacramento from La Fiesta Noche Show.
We heard from our viewers after tonight's taping, and they love you! You're a star in Mexico! In Mexico?! That's right, so you may want to brace yourself for the onslaught of the chicken paparazzi.
CHICKEN: Bawk-Bawk-Bawk Bawk-Bawk-Bawk.
Buckwald! Bud Buckwald! Bud Buckwald! SACRAMENTO: Mr.
Buckwald, due to the popularity of your appearance on Fiesta Noche, we'd like to invite you back for another taping.
Sorry, Sacramento.
Three years ago, George Lopez and I took an oath to never make Mexicans laugh.
He's lived up to his end of the bargain, and now it's my turn.
Bud, why'd you turn him down? That's exciting! You're a hit! Because a man of my station in life deserves respect.
I'm not their clown.
I got too much, uh What's that called when you think you're too good to do something? You're asking the wrong guy! Oh, Bud, don't be so sensitive.
You're just putting on a show for fun.
There's no shame in that.
You don't seem ashamed that we have to disguise our house from creditors.
Hey, where's that house I'm supposed to foreclose on? Excuse me, Miss, do you know where 25200 Cedar Road is? JANICE: Nope, just me here.
Oh.
Well, can I give you a ride somewhere? What am I doing? I'm married.
Hola, Bud! I've never said "hola" to a celebrity before! (screaming) What the hell are you talking about? All of my relatives watched you on Fiesta Noche and are big fans.
They have so many questions.
"Can he really eat 13 pizzas in one sitting like the Internet says?" "Does he have the coolest neighbor in the world?" (laughs) That was me.
You see that, Fidencio?! I live next to a big star! What's that? I couldn't hear you over the voice of my 59-year-old girlfriend.
Look at that body.
Can you believe she's had 37 kids? (wind whistling) My hat! Buckwald, there's a bunch of vultures out there feasting on a rotting boar carcass.
Chase them away, then eat the rest of the carcass so they don't come back.
I've been working here 20 years, I'm still treated like crap.
What the Ford Tough? (gasping, crowd chatter) Hey, what are you doing here?! Go back to Mexico! (laughter) Oh, my God, he said it! I want him to deport my babies.
(truck horn blowing) MAN: Cherry pie is a kind of pie That has a sexual double meaning.
I wish this bar could afford the rights to real stripper songs.
Bud, you haven't paid your tab in weeks.
People are supposed to pay for Coors Light? Yuck.
Sorry, Bud, you leave me no choice.
(rock song playing) Bud! What do you mean, you're gonna play sock-penis funk rock all night and don't care what anyone says? (grunting) MAN: There he is! Bud! Bud! Bud! Come drink with us! (sighs) (laughter) Hola, Bud! Ernesto, will you tell these guys to stop staring at me? You know, Bud, the ability to make people laugh is a rare gift, and you've got it.
They love you in Mexico, Bud.
Look at all these Bud fan pages.
The hottest selling app in Mexico is Angry Buds.
Bawk! Fartsocks! Tweet! Oof! And here's someone who started impersonating you on Twitter.
He's posting a bunch of racist statements under your name.
No, that's me.
They may laugh at you, but their laughter is a form of respect.
Respect, huh? Maybe I will go back on Fiesta Noche.
But I'll need you there to translate.
Sure, Bud.
Hey, cheers! I don't normally drink tequila.
Neither do I, but this calls for a toast! (organ playing "Wedding March") We can stay anywhere but Bally's.
My dad saw a ghost there.
(applause, band playing lively music) Uh-oh, looks like somebody called la migra.
- (crowd booing, shouting) - What do you mean "somebody"? Hey, you asked me to be here.
(laughter) What are you all laughing at? The only person who's got a right to laugh at me is my cardiologist! (laughter, whistling) Aw, go back to Mexico! (whooping) He's so funny.
I wonder if he's got a daughter who should be famous, too.
Bud, you were amazing! That's the hardest I've laughed at a guy not dressed like a bumblebee.
Hey, a guy dressed like a bumblebee! (cackling laughter) Ah Mr.
Buckwald, your fans in Mexico love you! Would you honor us by joining Fiesta Noche for a three-week stop in Mexico City? You would, of course, be handsomely compensated.
Handsomely? Yes, handsomely.
Oh, crap! It's Lorne Michaels! Your 40-year-old variety comedy show sucks! Your 40-year-old variety comedy show sucks! (grunting) Remember that skit with the breasts? Which one was that? Oh, yeah all of them! Did that horse ever get his face back from Seth Meyers? TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Familia Feud.
All right, Javier, play or pass? Play.
Great! Reyes family, you're up.
- - (applause) Oh, crap, I forgot the question card.
Everyone, I've got an announcement to make.
I'm moving to Mexico! NARRATOR (Southern accent): Well, looks like ol' Bud is moving to Mexico.
Amazing how sometimes you end up inside the thing you hate.
Right, Sharon? Bud, you're moving to Mexico to be on La Fiesta Noche Show? It's only for six weeks, and I have no plans to fake my own death if things go well, in case you hear that things are going well and that I'm dead.
Sorry in advance they never found the body.
Well, Bud, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shocked and that I'm not going to explore my options while you're gone, but I understand why you have to go.
Oh, you're so lucky you'll get to experience the wonders of Méjico.
- Why are you saying it like that? - What? He's going to Méjico.
You should go to Oaxaca.
They have the best ta-ha-cos.
I've never read a book, but I think you're a phony.
Thanks for understanding, Maria.
It's Papi's and my chance to live our dreams.
But what about your work? I'm taking it with me.
Ugh! Why do I let it pile up like that? (lively, traditional Mexican song playing) (cheering) You know, uh, I'm not sure coming down here was such a good idea.
We've only been here three hours and I've been kidnapped six times.
Don't worry, Bud, I'll show you the ropes in Mexico.
See, the first rule is to cross the border when Buckwald is working.
(hissing breath) Ooh, I just broke the second rule of Mexico, which is, don't say this to Bud.
Mr.
Buckwald, welcome! We're thrilled that you decided to be part of our show.
Yeah, could you pay me in American dollars? Mexican currency looks like a funhouse.
I want serious money with pyramids that have eyeballs.
Don Sacramento! Hi! I'm Ernesto Gonzalez.
This is my father, Plácido.
We're huge fans of the show.
Papi? I'm not ready.
Come on, Papi, do the song you were gonna do for him.
- No! - It's probably for the best.
His song was very sexual.
(birds chirping) Well, Bud, let's get you settled in.
We've provided you with your own private villa.
This is amazing.
Finally, I'm getting treatment befitting a star.
Oh, I forgot to mention you'll be sharing the villa with my 22-year-old daughter.
I should warn you, I sunbathe topless a lot.
And my girlfriends like to come over all the time.
Does she really have to stay here? It's so good to see mi familia in Méjico.
Gracias for letting us stay.
So what's Bud like in person? He's a great guy.
I'd say I'm his best friend, because he called me his least favorite friend and I know he has no other friends.
Plácido, what are you doing here? I missed my hometown.
Something about coming here, meditating on my seminal experiences, puts all of life's struggles into perspective.
The brothel closed down two years ago.
Señor Buckwald, our finest table.
Andy Garcias.
You know, Ernesto, Mexico ain't so bad.
They treat me well here.
I finally get respect, and I got to say, I owe it all to you.
Ah, Bud, for a comedic actor, you sure know how to bring on the waterworks.
Señor Buckwald, you've just been elected mayor! - Mayor?! - Your people await you.
(crowd cheering) (over speakers): Uh I will work hard for you.
(cheering stops) Bud, the people only respond to fear.
(cheering) Uh, what happened to the last mayor? He was assassinated.
You're the 12th mayor elected today.
What's the municipal budget look like? It's in bad shape.
All right, let's get to work.
(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) I am not gonna say it.
(sighs) Go back to Mexico.
(laughter) (audience laughter on TV) (laughs) This guy's hilarious.
He must be the guest of honor at my party Saturday night.
(chuckles) He can't be the guest of honor it's my birthday party.
Why would we throw you a birthday party three days after you died? (gunshot) Here's the water you asked for, Bud.
Aw, damn it, Ernesto! I asked for that five minutes ago.
And I'm having a bad mustache day I need to borrow yours.
(loud rip) This thing sucks.
Doesn't even stick.
(both gasp) Bud Buckwald, you're invited to a party at Pablo Barracuda's.
Oh, cool.
Can I see the invitation? Yeah.
it's at the end of this bat.
I don't see any invitation.
Oh, there it is "7:00 p.
m.
, cocktail casual.
Entertainment provided by Foreigner.
" Heh.
Which one? (grunts) I don't want to be at this stupid party.
I'm just gonna get a pie thrown in my face again.
Look, Bud, when Pablo Barracuda invites you to a party, you show up.
Also, it gives me a chance to wear my party belt buckle.
How is that a party belt buckle? It's just a mirror.
Can I do a line off your belt buckle? I don't know "it's just a mirror.
" There's my guy! Everyone, please welcome the funniest man in show business, Bud Buckwald! (people whooping) Bud, would you please do us the honor of saying well, you know.
(sighs) Go back to Mexico.
(laughter) Hey! He's not laughing! BARRACUDA: Beheadsman! Sorry.
It's okay I saw the ax, and I stood by you anyway.
You ready, Bud? You know, Ernesto, I wanted to change things up a bit tonight, so I wrote this sketch for me to do.
"Bud Buckwald enters.
"He is a cross between John Wayne, Charles Bronson and the arm on the Arm & Hammer box.
" Bud, what is this? You play the funny border agent.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of that I want to play the hero, the guy that gets respect, not the guy who gets a pie in his face.
But, Bud, the audience loves you as the guy that gets the pie in the face.
You're the most popular guy on the show.
Yeah, well, I want respect.
And trust me, there's nothing audiences love more than when popular comedians suddenly decide they want to be taken seriously.
Like when O.
J.
Simpson stopped doing Naked Gun movies to be in that murder mystery.
People were riveted! And now he's President of the United States.
(villainous chuckle) Once you're taken care of, I'm going to change the socioeconomic demographics of the United States forever! (villainous chuckle) Who are you? (imitating John Wayne): They call me Bud Buckwald, the man with no name.
I give up! I could never defeat your muscles.
You and what army? (quiet pop) (exhales) (loud booing) What the hell is he doing? This is what happens when you let white people write material catered to Mexicans.
Someone throw a pie! (audience laughter) (audience jeering) (gasps) He's ruined my favorite show! Kill him! Which one is he talking about? I haven't been watching.
Me either, but probably the guy on his shirt.
You're smart.
You're, like, the best henchman.
Oh, stop.
ERNESTO: Uh-oh, Bud, I think it's time to go.
We'll never escape! Let's keep going.
What do you mean? Keep going, Ernesto.
You mean it? (tires squeal) (airplane engine sputtering) (crash) What a reckless pilot.
Oh, it's so good to have our men home.
Bud, thanks for letting me be part of Fiesta Noche.
It was a childhood dream come true.
Thanks for all your help down in Mexico.
I guess I blew a big opportunity, but all I was looking for was a little respect.
Well, you've got a family that respects you right here in this house.
Oh, look an invitation came for you in the mail.
You are accordingly invited to a banquet, to honor your service as a sexy husband.
25200-0 Road in the bedrom.
Oh, thank you.