Brothers (2009) s01e11 Episode Script
Christmas
Aw, yeah.
Christmas is in the air.
I smell Candy cane pancakes.
Yeah.
You know, it sounds so gross, But they taste so good.
It's like You know, diabetic kryptonite.
I remember when Chill was 4 years old.
He demanded Candy canes for breakfast, and this was my compromise.
Ahh.
This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
Baby, you say the same thing every year.
And every year, it gets better and better.
But this will be the best one.
Do you know why? 'cause Santa's really comin' this year.
No.
This year is gonna be special because Mike's here.
I haven't been home for Christmas in 10 years.
You know, I don't have to do "smashmouth.
" I have an entire day off.
Which is good, 'cause we can have A good, old-fashioned Trainor Christmas, Just the four of us.
That sounds good.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah, Mike.
I missed your presents.
Did you say you miss my presence or you miss my presents? You know, with that lisp, I don't know what the hell you sayin'.
So is this the kind of Christmas we're lookin' forward to, Adele? Our 2 knucklehead sons fightin' all the time? Yes.
It's gonna be wonderful.
We're gonna decorate the tree, We're gonna bake cookies, And we're gonna get a little drunk.
Ha ha ha ha ha! It's all gonna be small, Intimate, and fabulous.
Ooh.
Ma, can I get a puppy? No.
by sony pictures television Hey, how you feelin', jolene? Pregnant.
I pretty much felt this way since the day I turned 17.
I'm like an apple tree.
Every season, I bear fruit.
That's good to know.
Hey, um, I've been meanin' to ask you somethin'.
No.
I'm not gonna take the urine test for you.
Not that, no.
Um I wanted to know if you'd be little cody's godfather.
Really? Why me? Because you are the most respectful and kindhearted man I know.
Really, why me? I was hopin' you could train little cody here To be a professional football player.
That way, I can stand on the sidelines drunk In my mink coat and yell things like, "that's my baby.
That's my baby.
" You know, sure.
I'd love to be little cody's godfather.
You know, and that way, if he steps out of line, I could make him an offer he can't refuse.
Thanks, Mike.
Hey, what are you doin'? I'm doin' the books.
Aw, that's murray's job.
Uh-uh.
Nah.
We don't need murray.
I got a calculator app on my phone.
It'll save us a fortune.
I call it iMurray.
Heh heh.
You sure you know what you're doin'? Yes, I do know what I'm doin', And it's not a pretty picture, Mike.
No.
We're gonna have to rob peter to pay paul.
Then we gonna have to rob paul.
Heh heh.
Oh, is it that bad? Oh, yes, it's that bad.
If we don't do something, I'm gonna be The only one getting paid this month.
So what's the plan? I'm about to make an announcement.
Hey, everybody, we gotta work on Christmas day.
Aww! "aww," my ass.
Y'all wanna aww, ya'll go aww right down at the unemployment office.
So we have to work on Christmas? Yes, we do, man.
That's a big football day, man, Mike, And we are a sports bar.
We in the hole.
We need every nickel we can get our hands on.
All right.
If we gotta do it, we gotta do it, But mom's not gonna be happy.
Hey, look, happy don't pay the bills, Mike.
Look, we'll work in shifts.
When I'm here, you'll be at home with mom.
Then we'll switch.
It's not exactly What mom wanted, but she'll understand.
What's this I hear about us working Christmas? I'm sorry, Candy, but we need the business.
And you expect me to be here? I got plans.
See, my boyfriend's a pilot, And goes out of his way to be here on Christmas, So I make him a 7-course meal, Give him a little dessert after each course.
Ok.
Raul, I need you on the grill Christmas day, all right? Yes, boss.
Hold on a second.
.
No, you touch my grill, I will fricassee you.
Rowr.
Ai ya-ma! I'll work.
You're just gonna have to pay me time and a half.
Hey, look, if we can get 'em in here like I think we can, It won't be a problem.
Hey, Bambi, can you work on Christmas? Well, my boyfriend has to spend the holiday with his wife and kids, So I might as well work.
You already got your diamonds? Oh, yeah.
Hey, jolene, you good for Christmas? Absolutely.
I hate spending Christmas with my kids.
Every time I pass out, they rob me.
Remind me to wrap these around something When we're done with them this year.
You say that every year.
I think you secretly like to untangle them.
I kinda do.
It makes me feel superior to them.
See, I eventually figure 'em out, Even though they try to confuse me.
Aha.
Ha ha.
You been hittin' the eggnog.
Heh heh heh.
Since yesterday.
You know, the holidays are the only time of year When it's ok to be tipsy at 10:00 in the morning.
Well, you better slow down.
We got a lot of work to do.
I think you're gonna like the present I got you this year.
I love it.
Oh, Adele.
You cheated.
You looked again.
Marcel, I do it for your own good.
If I don't like it, I can exchange it, And on Christmas morning, I can open something I really want.
Ah.
So what'd you get me? Not tellin'.
Oh, come on, baby.
Give me a little hint, please.
Ok.
Ok, I'll give you a hint.
It's something you've always wanted.
A membership to bacon of the month club? Maybe.
Oh, my God! You're the best wife ever.
Ha ha! Oh! Ok, you can exchange what I got you For something much more expensive.
Uh, well, it's already wrapped under the tree.
The receipt's in your wallet.
Ah.
I'll get it.
Happy kwanzaa! What do you mean you don't know where my sister is? She's missing.
She got mad at me and stormed off.
I haven't seen her in 2 days.
Well, what kind of fight did you have? Pretty bad.
Think whitney and bobby.
Said she's leavin' me.
You know what you all are like.
Whoa.
What do you mean, "you all"? I mean women.
Oh.
Especially black women.
Well, what did you fight about? I don't know.
I'm pretty sure She was upset I forgot our anniversary.
Your anniversary's on Christmas day.
Yeah.
Well, it's not Christmas yet.
How does she know you forgot? Well, I was supposed to book some trip in advance, And I forgot to do that, too.
Wow.
So where do you think she is? I was hopin' I'd find her here.
Well, she's not here, so why don't you Get on a plane and go back to boston, man? I wish I could, but I didn't think this all the way through.
See, I maxed out my credit card To buy a one-way first-class ticket here.
Well, why didn't you fly Coach? I was upset.
My wife just left me.
I wanted a warm cookie.
I miss her, Adele! I don't know what to do! Ok, Lenny, calm down.
You know, Cynthia has a history of this.
She gets upset, she goes away, She calms down, and then everything's back to normal.
Yeah, she's very impulsive.
She married you, didn't she? Oh, my God.
You don't think She's marrying another crazy white guy, do you? Ok, relax, Lenny.
It's gonna be all right.
We'll get her back.
In the meantime, you can stay Uh, at the motel down the street.
You know, it's only 20 bucks a night If you don't get the sheets changed.
No.
Lenny can stay here.
But I thought you wanted a family Christmas, baby.
That's right, and Lenny is family.
Oh, I really appreciate this.
Ok, you remember where the guest room is, right? I sure do.
Thank you, guys.
This has been a nerve-shattering experience.
I'm gonna go rest.
I don't know, Adele.
I'm not really sure about this at all.
Oh, stop it.
The man's my sister's husband.
I'm not gonna put him out on the street.
Well, where do you think she went? You know Cynthia.
She could be anywhere.
And I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to be angry.
The man forgot her anniversary.
Well, it happens.
I forgot our anniversary.
I know.
Anyway, she just has to calm down.
All right.
All right.
Look, you just keep him away from me, ok? I'm gonna go down to Coach world and untangle the rest of the lights.
I can't sleep in that room.
It reminds me of her.
I'm gonna go down to Coach world, If that's ok with you, marcel.
Yeah, sure.
Hey.
Well, look who's here, Agent to the stars.
Mike, remember when you used to be one? Hey, Louie.
What are you doin' here? I got a call from fox.
Every year, anthony carter does a special Christmas show.
This year, he's got mercury poisoning.
Translation he's a drunk.
Oh, avalanche? Yeah, he fell off the wagon, got hit by a beer truck.
Oh, is he ok? Yeah.
Luckily it was a light beer.
Eh, the fact is he has trouble around the holidays.
He seems to go on a drunken rampage every year around this time.
Anyway, they want you to work the Christmas show.
Oh, I don't know if I can, Louie.
No, you can't.
Everybody gotta work down at the restaurant.
I can't give you the day off of work to go work.
How that look? Like I'm workin'.
Oh, please.
Come on.
Tv ain't real work.
They cut your hair, put makeup on you, And take your picture.
That's modelin'.
You know what, Louie? My mom's got this whole family thing planned, and Chill's right.
I gotta spend the first half of the day at the restaurant.
Second half of the day, I gotta spend with mom.
Come on.
Stop whining.
Do I have to do the whole show by myself? Now, see, now that's whining.
Kinda is, Mike.
Don't worry.
They're bringin' in A guest host to work with you.
Who? I don't know yet.
Can't be no worse then you.
You know what? Tell 'em I'll do it, Louie.
Are you gonna stick around and see the show? Hell, no.
It's Christmas.
I got a 19-year-old girlfriend at home, Wants to play naughty or nice.
Which one are you? As long as she's naughty, I'm nice.
Lenny, make yourself at home.
Put your feet up.
Have a beer.
Aw, thanks, marcel.
I was being sarcastic.
Ocd alert! Ocd alert! Chill out, marcel.
Oh, by the way, I spilled a little beer on your train.
It made a little sizzle noise.
You might want to check that out.
Lenny, the important thing Is that we get you reunited with Cynthia And out of here as quickly as possible.
You know, you and Adele are the only family I can turn to.
You don't have any people? Aw, I do, but they're all prejudiced.
They stopped talkin' to me because I married a baptist.
They didn't care that she was black? Oh, God, I didn't tell 'em that.
Though the point is I know this is an imposition, And I wanna thank you for opening up your house to me.
It's all right, Lenny.
Adele's right, man.
You are family.
I just wish I could turn the clock back And not have that fight with Cynthia.
Heh.
Me, too.
Why don't you tell me exactly what happened? Well, I promised that this year, I'd take her to cabo for our anniversary, But then I forgot our anniversary and didn't book the tickets, So the whole thing went out the window.
She didn't give you any indication where she was going? No, the last thing she said to me was, "why won't you take me to Mexico? Why won't you take me to Mexico? Why won't you take me to Mexico?" Hey, maybe she went to vermont.
Cynthia.
Where the hell are you?! I'm at a bar in Mexico.
You're in Mexico? Why the hell are you in Mexico? Because I'm waiting to exhale, and I'm getting my groove back, damn it.
Cynthia, really.
Well, it's where Lenny was supposed to take me.
Oh, I see.
Because you've got a wedding anniversary coming up.
Well, I am glad that somebody remembered.
Cynthia, your husband is here.
What? You better not be puttin' your hands On my vanilla bean dream.
I'll try to be strong.
Now listen.
Your husband came all the way down here looking for you.
Oh, that is just so sweet.
I mean, how can a man do that And forget that he was married on Christmas? Excus-a me.
I'll have another one of these Less salt, more tequila, tequila, tequila.
How do I say, "tequila," in spanish? Cynthia, you need to get the hell out of Mexico, Come up here, and take your husband home.
I would love to do that, Adele.
But just I haven't thought this all the way through.
I maxed out my credit card to get here, And I don't have any money to get back home.
First-class ticket? Ooh, I love those cookies.
Ok, Cynthia, so what you gonna do? Learn the language? I'm justI know this is crazy, Adele.
I was just so upset, I just wanted to get away.
I know.
Look, I think I got an idea to fix it.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Straight to voice mail again.
I think she's duckin' me.
Damn caller I.
D.
Give me her number.
I'll call her on my phone.
Here you go.
Cabo cabo inn.
Hector speaking.
Hi, Hector.
Is a woman named Cynthia there? Oh, sÃ.
She here.
But she can't come to the phone.
Why not? She had 3 house margaritas.
Ehh! Want me to give her a message if she wake up? Uh, no.
Thanks.
She's at the cabo cabo inn.
In vermont? Lenny, you're a cop, man.
How do you catch anybody? I know.
It's a miracle.
Ok, don't worry about it.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Well, if we can't have Christmas dinner, We can have Christmas breakfast.
Hey, don't nothin' say Christmas like a waffle.
Mmm.
Where's uncle Lenny? Ah, he's sleepin' in.
He had a few d drinks last night, And he tinseled himself.
Hey, man, we better get rollin'.
Game starts in an hour.
Yeah, and then I gotta get ready for the show.
You know what? I barely know what I'm doin', And now I have to adjust to a new cohost.
I thought it was gonna be easy Just show up, talk about football, Look cute like I do, and smile for the camera.
Heh heh heh.
You know, in hi-def, Your smile look like stonehenge.
Oh, you two stop it.
I'm sorry, mama.
I just hate it when things aren't perfect, Like holidays and grilled cheese sandwiches.
And lord knows your mother could have fed a small nation With the amount of crusts she cut off Grilled cheese sandwiches.
It only takes a few seconds Before the whole thing turns into a gooey mess.
Mom, promise we'll try to make it up to you.
All right? We'll have a perfect new year's eve.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Whoa, whoa, brother.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
No, no new year's.
I got plans for new year's.
I tell you what.
How 'bout a perfect groundhog's day? And I got just the present.
I'll get you a woodchuck sweater.
You know I don't believe in fur, Unless it's sable.
All right, we'll see you guys later.
All right.
Merry Christmas, mama.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
All right, baby, So you know what we could do? What? We could have our own private Christmas, You know, like we used to before the boys were born.
Maybe we could.
I've still got that elf's hat.
Yeah, baby.
Hee hee! Ah, I didn't think anybody'd show up on Christmas, But my cups runneth over.
Heh.
Heh.
Yeah, Christmas brings out the best in people.
By the way, Mike, thanks again For agreein' to be little cody's godfather.
Oh, you're welcome, jolene.
Hey, did I just hear her right? Did you agree to be that little rugrat's godfather? Yeah.
I thought it'd be a great idea, Be like bein' in the big brothers program.
Mike, do you know if that woman dies Of a horrible pole-dancin' accident, You gonna be left to raise that child? Wait a minute.
What are you talkin' about? That's what a godparent does.
If something happens to the parent, The child has to come and live with you.
What? I thought I was just responsible For bringing the piñata to his birthday And buyin' him condoms for the prom.
No, Mike, it's more than that.
This commitment is forever.
Oh, this isn't good.
No.
No.
No, it's not.
Oh, I gotta get out of this.
Yes, that's a good idea, but before you do, You better check to make sure she ain't got no shank.
You may be right.
This could be the game of the year.
I knew I was right.
Hey, look.
The safety tripped.
Yes.
Yes.
Go.
Go.
Go! Go! Yes.
When you did the bills, Did you pay cable? Hey, so, Tim, what can you tell me about the new guy? What are you askin' me for? I'm not even allowed to make eye contact with the talent.
Oh, you know, perfect.
You know, I got a little shine on my forehead.
Take that off for me.
Heh.
If it's shine, I'll call the makeup artist.
If it's sweat, suck it up.
Excuse me? Hi.
I'm Maxi Menendez.
I'm your cohost.
I would say, "nice to meet you," But you totally blew the first impression.
Ok, let's get this show on the road here.
I'm sure you guys all have family to go home to.
Not me.
Heh.
My kids are stayin' with their grandmother in colorado Because my wife is in a hospital in dallas Waiting for a kidney transplant.
Well, you know, look on the bright side.
There'll be lots of drunk drivers And lots of available organs.
Yeah, well, from your mouth to God's ears, Mike.
You know what? I apologize for my mistake earlier.
I just thought they'd bring in an ex-athlete.
Oh, and because I'm a woman, you assume I'm not.
Uh How many olympic medals do you have? Touche.
.
Yeah.
All right, Maxi, this is how it's gonna go.
I'm gonna open.
I'm gonna do a quick recap of the game.
I'll throw it to you.
You know, Throw a few comments out there, ok? Then we'll do the same thing for the second game.
Got it? Right.
Well, we could do it like that.
Ok.
We are on in 3, 2, 1.
Welcome hi.
I'm Maxi Menendez.
Now, how 'bout those lions? Coming out of nowhere and coming with a great win and on Christmas day.
Coming up from behind on the second half, Crushing that 17-point deficit.
And stafford getting the job done, Completing 16 of 16 passes for a total of 264 yards, all in the second half.
I'm saying it must have been a pro bowl game for a rookie quarterback.
Now here's a look at the highlights.
And we're out.
You were good.
You just fillin' in, right? Yeah, you better hope.
Hey, baby.
What's wrong? Marcel, this isn't the Christmas I planned.
I finally got the boys back, And I wanted them here with us.
I know you did.
Don't mean to be selfish.
I know they've got their own lives and things they gotta do, But Christmas is about family.
Hey, let's go.
Where are we going? To Trainor's.
You know, Chill's working all night.
We'll have Mike meet us there.
Oh, that's a good idea.
It is, and you know what the best part is? What? The drinks'll be on the house.
Hey, how you doin'? Hey.
What's your name again? Maxi.
Maxi.
Yeah.
Hey, I saw you on the show with my brother.
You kicked his butt.
And it wasn't that hard.
Ah, cool.
Hey, listen, I was thinking I'm gay.
Maybe we could March together sometime.
Hey, jolene, we need to talk.
Yeah, boss.
Whoa.
Ho ho.
Baby's kickin' like a pissed-off mule.
Here.
Feel that.
Wow.
Y-you're right.
You got a little field goal kicker in there.
Huh? Heh.
What'd you want to talk to me about? Actually, I wanted to thank you For lettin' me be cody's godfather.
And I'm I'm truly honored.
Oh.
Well, if you're interested, I got 5 more at home.
Don't push it.
Well, this turned out to be a pretty good Christmas after all.
Yeah.
See, ma? It's still about family.
That's right.
We have family, friends, And strangers.
Ain't nobody stranger than me.
Except maybe Tim.
Merry Christmas.
Cynthia, what the hell are you doin' here? Hey.
Ooh.
Adele called and told me you moved the party down here.
Everybody, this is my sister Cynthia.
Hey.
Coach, call Lenny.
Bring him down here.
Baby, I can't.
Why not? I thought Cynthia was in Mexico.
Well, I was, but I missed my big snowman.
Where is he? You know, Coach, I took your Christmas present.
I returned it and bought Cynthia a ticket.
I did the same thing.
I took your present back.
I bought Lenny a ticket.
To where? la cucaracha, la cucaracha dah la la, la la la la You know, you people could own texas If you didn't insist on takin' a nap every afternoon.
la cucaracha, la cucaracha hah la la la la la la Hey! Well, you know what Somebody say something? Nah.
Oh.
Maybe it was just heavy breathing.
And you only have a few seconds before you pull it out and Everything becomes a gooey mess.
Well, mama, we promise we'll make it up to you.
We'll have a perfect new year's eve.
Ok.
Nah.
No, brother.
No.
We can't.
Stop.
Forget the new year's eve.
You know what? But, yo, we can't have no Why can't we have a great new year's eve? No.
No, no, no.
I got plans for new year's eve.
What we will do, we'll celebrate a good groundh Carl, can you calm the hell down? What's wrong with you?
Christmas is in the air.
I smell Candy cane pancakes.
Yeah.
You know, it sounds so gross, But they taste so good.
It's like You know, diabetic kryptonite.
I remember when Chill was 4 years old.
He demanded Candy canes for breakfast, and this was my compromise.
Ahh.
This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
Baby, you say the same thing every year.
And every year, it gets better and better.
But this will be the best one.
Do you know why? 'cause Santa's really comin' this year.
No.
This year is gonna be special because Mike's here.
I haven't been home for Christmas in 10 years.
You know, I don't have to do "smashmouth.
" I have an entire day off.
Which is good, 'cause we can have A good, old-fashioned Trainor Christmas, Just the four of us.
That sounds good.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah, Mike.
I missed your presents.
Did you say you miss my presence or you miss my presents? You know, with that lisp, I don't know what the hell you sayin'.
So is this the kind of Christmas we're lookin' forward to, Adele? Our 2 knucklehead sons fightin' all the time? Yes.
It's gonna be wonderful.
We're gonna decorate the tree, We're gonna bake cookies, And we're gonna get a little drunk.
Ha ha ha ha ha! It's all gonna be small, Intimate, and fabulous.
Ooh.
Ma, can I get a puppy? No.
by sony pictures television Hey, how you feelin', jolene? Pregnant.
I pretty much felt this way since the day I turned 17.
I'm like an apple tree.
Every season, I bear fruit.
That's good to know.
Hey, um, I've been meanin' to ask you somethin'.
No.
I'm not gonna take the urine test for you.
Not that, no.
Um I wanted to know if you'd be little cody's godfather.
Really? Why me? Because you are the most respectful and kindhearted man I know.
Really, why me? I was hopin' you could train little cody here To be a professional football player.
That way, I can stand on the sidelines drunk In my mink coat and yell things like, "that's my baby.
That's my baby.
" You know, sure.
I'd love to be little cody's godfather.
You know, and that way, if he steps out of line, I could make him an offer he can't refuse.
Thanks, Mike.
Hey, what are you doin'? I'm doin' the books.
Aw, that's murray's job.
Uh-uh.
Nah.
We don't need murray.
I got a calculator app on my phone.
It'll save us a fortune.
I call it iMurray.
Heh heh.
You sure you know what you're doin'? Yes, I do know what I'm doin', And it's not a pretty picture, Mike.
No.
We're gonna have to rob peter to pay paul.
Then we gonna have to rob paul.
Heh heh.
Oh, is it that bad? Oh, yes, it's that bad.
If we don't do something, I'm gonna be The only one getting paid this month.
So what's the plan? I'm about to make an announcement.
Hey, everybody, we gotta work on Christmas day.
Aww! "aww," my ass.
Y'all wanna aww, ya'll go aww right down at the unemployment office.
So we have to work on Christmas? Yes, we do, man.
That's a big football day, man, Mike, And we are a sports bar.
We in the hole.
We need every nickel we can get our hands on.
All right.
If we gotta do it, we gotta do it, But mom's not gonna be happy.
Hey, look, happy don't pay the bills, Mike.
Look, we'll work in shifts.
When I'm here, you'll be at home with mom.
Then we'll switch.
It's not exactly What mom wanted, but she'll understand.
What's this I hear about us working Christmas? I'm sorry, Candy, but we need the business.
And you expect me to be here? I got plans.
See, my boyfriend's a pilot, And goes out of his way to be here on Christmas, So I make him a 7-course meal, Give him a little dessert after each course.
Ok.
Raul, I need you on the grill Christmas day, all right? Yes, boss.
Hold on a second.
.
No, you touch my grill, I will fricassee you.
Rowr.
Ai ya-ma! I'll work.
You're just gonna have to pay me time and a half.
Hey, look, if we can get 'em in here like I think we can, It won't be a problem.
Hey, Bambi, can you work on Christmas? Well, my boyfriend has to spend the holiday with his wife and kids, So I might as well work.
You already got your diamonds? Oh, yeah.
Hey, jolene, you good for Christmas? Absolutely.
I hate spending Christmas with my kids.
Every time I pass out, they rob me.
Remind me to wrap these around something When we're done with them this year.
You say that every year.
I think you secretly like to untangle them.
I kinda do.
It makes me feel superior to them.
See, I eventually figure 'em out, Even though they try to confuse me.
Aha.
Ha ha.
You been hittin' the eggnog.
Heh heh heh.
Since yesterday.
You know, the holidays are the only time of year When it's ok to be tipsy at 10:00 in the morning.
Well, you better slow down.
We got a lot of work to do.
I think you're gonna like the present I got you this year.
I love it.
Oh, Adele.
You cheated.
You looked again.
Marcel, I do it for your own good.
If I don't like it, I can exchange it, And on Christmas morning, I can open something I really want.
Ah.
So what'd you get me? Not tellin'.
Oh, come on, baby.
Give me a little hint, please.
Ok.
Ok, I'll give you a hint.
It's something you've always wanted.
A membership to bacon of the month club? Maybe.
Oh, my God! You're the best wife ever.
Ha ha! Oh! Ok, you can exchange what I got you For something much more expensive.
Uh, well, it's already wrapped under the tree.
The receipt's in your wallet.
Ah.
I'll get it.
Happy kwanzaa! What do you mean you don't know where my sister is? She's missing.
She got mad at me and stormed off.
I haven't seen her in 2 days.
Well, what kind of fight did you have? Pretty bad.
Think whitney and bobby.
Said she's leavin' me.
You know what you all are like.
Whoa.
What do you mean, "you all"? I mean women.
Oh.
Especially black women.
Well, what did you fight about? I don't know.
I'm pretty sure She was upset I forgot our anniversary.
Your anniversary's on Christmas day.
Yeah.
Well, it's not Christmas yet.
How does she know you forgot? Well, I was supposed to book some trip in advance, And I forgot to do that, too.
Wow.
So where do you think she is? I was hopin' I'd find her here.
Well, she's not here, so why don't you Get on a plane and go back to boston, man? I wish I could, but I didn't think this all the way through.
See, I maxed out my credit card To buy a one-way first-class ticket here.
Well, why didn't you fly Coach? I was upset.
My wife just left me.
I wanted a warm cookie.
I miss her, Adele! I don't know what to do! Ok, Lenny, calm down.
You know, Cynthia has a history of this.
She gets upset, she goes away, She calms down, and then everything's back to normal.
Yeah, she's very impulsive.
She married you, didn't she? Oh, my God.
You don't think She's marrying another crazy white guy, do you? Ok, relax, Lenny.
It's gonna be all right.
We'll get her back.
In the meantime, you can stay Uh, at the motel down the street.
You know, it's only 20 bucks a night If you don't get the sheets changed.
No.
Lenny can stay here.
But I thought you wanted a family Christmas, baby.
That's right, and Lenny is family.
Oh, I really appreciate this.
Ok, you remember where the guest room is, right? I sure do.
Thank you, guys.
This has been a nerve-shattering experience.
I'm gonna go rest.
I don't know, Adele.
I'm not really sure about this at all.
Oh, stop it.
The man's my sister's husband.
I'm not gonna put him out on the street.
Well, where do you think she went? You know Cynthia.
She could be anywhere.
And I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to be angry.
The man forgot her anniversary.
Well, it happens.
I forgot our anniversary.
I know.
Anyway, she just has to calm down.
All right.
All right.
Look, you just keep him away from me, ok? I'm gonna go down to Coach world and untangle the rest of the lights.
I can't sleep in that room.
It reminds me of her.
I'm gonna go down to Coach world, If that's ok with you, marcel.
Yeah, sure.
Hey.
Well, look who's here, Agent to the stars.
Mike, remember when you used to be one? Hey, Louie.
What are you doin' here? I got a call from fox.
Every year, anthony carter does a special Christmas show.
This year, he's got mercury poisoning.
Translation he's a drunk.
Oh, avalanche? Yeah, he fell off the wagon, got hit by a beer truck.
Oh, is he ok? Yeah.
Luckily it was a light beer.
Eh, the fact is he has trouble around the holidays.
He seems to go on a drunken rampage every year around this time.
Anyway, they want you to work the Christmas show.
Oh, I don't know if I can, Louie.
No, you can't.
Everybody gotta work down at the restaurant.
I can't give you the day off of work to go work.
How that look? Like I'm workin'.
Oh, please.
Come on.
Tv ain't real work.
They cut your hair, put makeup on you, And take your picture.
That's modelin'.
You know what, Louie? My mom's got this whole family thing planned, and Chill's right.
I gotta spend the first half of the day at the restaurant.
Second half of the day, I gotta spend with mom.
Come on.
Stop whining.
Do I have to do the whole show by myself? Now, see, now that's whining.
Kinda is, Mike.
Don't worry.
They're bringin' in A guest host to work with you.
Who? I don't know yet.
Can't be no worse then you.
You know what? Tell 'em I'll do it, Louie.
Are you gonna stick around and see the show? Hell, no.
It's Christmas.
I got a 19-year-old girlfriend at home, Wants to play naughty or nice.
Which one are you? As long as she's naughty, I'm nice.
Lenny, make yourself at home.
Put your feet up.
Have a beer.
Aw, thanks, marcel.
I was being sarcastic.
Ocd alert! Ocd alert! Chill out, marcel.
Oh, by the way, I spilled a little beer on your train.
It made a little sizzle noise.
You might want to check that out.
Lenny, the important thing Is that we get you reunited with Cynthia And out of here as quickly as possible.
You know, you and Adele are the only family I can turn to.
You don't have any people? Aw, I do, but they're all prejudiced.
They stopped talkin' to me because I married a baptist.
They didn't care that she was black? Oh, God, I didn't tell 'em that.
Though the point is I know this is an imposition, And I wanna thank you for opening up your house to me.
It's all right, Lenny.
Adele's right, man.
You are family.
I just wish I could turn the clock back And not have that fight with Cynthia.
Heh.
Me, too.
Why don't you tell me exactly what happened? Well, I promised that this year, I'd take her to cabo for our anniversary, But then I forgot our anniversary and didn't book the tickets, So the whole thing went out the window.
She didn't give you any indication where she was going? No, the last thing she said to me was, "why won't you take me to Mexico? Why won't you take me to Mexico? Why won't you take me to Mexico?" Hey, maybe she went to vermont.
Cynthia.
Where the hell are you?! I'm at a bar in Mexico.
You're in Mexico? Why the hell are you in Mexico? Because I'm waiting to exhale, and I'm getting my groove back, damn it.
Cynthia, really.
Well, it's where Lenny was supposed to take me.
Oh, I see.
Because you've got a wedding anniversary coming up.
Well, I am glad that somebody remembered.
Cynthia, your husband is here.
What? You better not be puttin' your hands On my vanilla bean dream.
I'll try to be strong.
Now listen.
Your husband came all the way down here looking for you.
Oh, that is just so sweet.
I mean, how can a man do that And forget that he was married on Christmas? Excus-a me.
I'll have another one of these Less salt, more tequila, tequila, tequila.
How do I say, "tequila," in spanish? Cynthia, you need to get the hell out of Mexico, Come up here, and take your husband home.
I would love to do that, Adele.
But just I haven't thought this all the way through.
I maxed out my credit card to get here, And I don't have any money to get back home.
First-class ticket? Ooh, I love those cookies.
Ok, Cynthia, so what you gonna do? Learn the language? I'm justI know this is crazy, Adele.
I was just so upset, I just wanted to get away.
I know.
Look, I think I got an idea to fix it.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Straight to voice mail again.
I think she's duckin' me.
Damn caller I.
D.
Give me her number.
I'll call her on my phone.
Here you go.
Cabo cabo inn.
Hector speaking.
Hi, Hector.
Is a woman named Cynthia there? Oh, sÃ.
She here.
But she can't come to the phone.
Why not? She had 3 house margaritas.
Ehh! Want me to give her a message if she wake up? Uh, no.
Thanks.
She's at the cabo cabo inn.
In vermont? Lenny, you're a cop, man.
How do you catch anybody? I know.
It's a miracle.
Ok, don't worry about it.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Well, if we can't have Christmas dinner, We can have Christmas breakfast.
Hey, don't nothin' say Christmas like a waffle.
Mmm.
Where's uncle Lenny? Ah, he's sleepin' in.
He had a few d drinks last night, And he tinseled himself.
Hey, man, we better get rollin'.
Game starts in an hour.
Yeah, and then I gotta get ready for the show.
You know what? I barely know what I'm doin', And now I have to adjust to a new cohost.
I thought it was gonna be easy Just show up, talk about football, Look cute like I do, and smile for the camera.
Heh heh heh.
You know, in hi-def, Your smile look like stonehenge.
Oh, you two stop it.
I'm sorry, mama.
I just hate it when things aren't perfect, Like holidays and grilled cheese sandwiches.
And lord knows your mother could have fed a small nation With the amount of crusts she cut off Grilled cheese sandwiches.
It only takes a few seconds Before the whole thing turns into a gooey mess.
Mom, promise we'll try to make it up to you.
All right? We'll have a perfect new year's eve.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Whoa, whoa, brother.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
No, no new year's.
I got plans for new year's.
I tell you what.
How 'bout a perfect groundhog's day? And I got just the present.
I'll get you a woodchuck sweater.
You know I don't believe in fur, Unless it's sable.
All right, we'll see you guys later.
All right.
Merry Christmas, mama.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Christmas.
All right, baby, So you know what we could do? What? We could have our own private Christmas, You know, like we used to before the boys were born.
Maybe we could.
I've still got that elf's hat.
Yeah, baby.
Hee hee! Ah, I didn't think anybody'd show up on Christmas, But my cups runneth over.
Heh.
Heh.
Yeah, Christmas brings out the best in people.
By the way, Mike, thanks again For agreein' to be little cody's godfather.
Oh, you're welcome, jolene.
Hey, did I just hear her right? Did you agree to be that little rugrat's godfather? Yeah.
I thought it'd be a great idea, Be like bein' in the big brothers program.
Mike, do you know if that woman dies Of a horrible pole-dancin' accident, You gonna be left to raise that child? Wait a minute.
What are you talkin' about? That's what a godparent does.
If something happens to the parent, The child has to come and live with you.
What? I thought I was just responsible For bringing the piñata to his birthday And buyin' him condoms for the prom.
No, Mike, it's more than that.
This commitment is forever.
Oh, this isn't good.
No.
No.
No, it's not.
Oh, I gotta get out of this.
Yes, that's a good idea, but before you do, You better check to make sure she ain't got no shank.
You may be right.
This could be the game of the year.
I knew I was right.
Hey, look.
The safety tripped.
Yes.
Yes.
Go.
Go.
Go! Go! Yes.
When you did the bills, Did you pay cable? Hey, so, Tim, what can you tell me about the new guy? What are you askin' me for? I'm not even allowed to make eye contact with the talent.
Oh, you know, perfect.
You know, I got a little shine on my forehead.
Take that off for me.
Heh.
If it's shine, I'll call the makeup artist.
If it's sweat, suck it up.
Excuse me? Hi.
I'm Maxi Menendez.
I'm your cohost.
I would say, "nice to meet you," But you totally blew the first impression.
Ok, let's get this show on the road here.
I'm sure you guys all have family to go home to.
Not me.
Heh.
My kids are stayin' with their grandmother in colorado Because my wife is in a hospital in dallas Waiting for a kidney transplant.
Well, you know, look on the bright side.
There'll be lots of drunk drivers And lots of available organs.
Yeah, well, from your mouth to God's ears, Mike.
You know what? I apologize for my mistake earlier.
I just thought they'd bring in an ex-athlete.
Oh, and because I'm a woman, you assume I'm not.
Uh How many olympic medals do you have? Touche.
.
Yeah.
All right, Maxi, this is how it's gonna go.
I'm gonna open.
I'm gonna do a quick recap of the game.
I'll throw it to you.
You know, Throw a few comments out there, ok? Then we'll do the same thing for the second game.
Got it? Right.
Well, we could do it like that.
Ok.
We are on in 3, 2, 1.
Welcome hi.
I'm Maxi Menendez.
Now, how 'bout those lions? Coming out of nowhere and coming with a great win and on Christmas day.
Coming up from behind on the second half, Crushing that 17-point deficit.
And stafford getting the job done, Completing 16 of 16 passes for a total of 264 yards, all in the second half.
I'm saying it must have been a pro bowl game for a rookie quarterback.
Now here's a look at the highlights.
And we're out.
You were good.
You just fillin' in, right? Yeah, you better hope.
Hey, baby.
What's wrong? Marcel, this isn't the Christmas I planned.
I finally got the boys back, And I wanted them here with us.
I know you did.
Don't mean to be selfish.
I know they've got their own lives and things they gotta do, But Christmas is about family.
Hey, let's go.
Where are we going? To Trainor's.
You know, Chill's working all night.
We'll have Mike meet us there.
Oh, that's a good idea.
It is, and you know what the best part is? What? The drinks'll be on the house.
Hey, how you doin'? Hey.
What's your name again? Maxi.
Maxi.
Yeah.
Hey, I saw you on the show with my brother.
You kicked his butt.
And it wasn't that hard.
Ah, cool.
Hey, listen, I was thinking I'm gay.
Maybe we could March together sometime.
Hey, jolene, we need to talk.
Yeah, boss.
Whoa.
Ho ho.
Baby's kickin' like a pissed-off mule.
Here.
Feel that.
Wow.
Y-you're right.
You got a little field goal kicker in there.
Huh? Heh.
What'd you want to talk to me about? Actually, I wanted to thank you For lettin' me be cody's godfather.
And I'm I'm truly honored.
Oh.
Well, if you're interested, I got 5 more at home.
Don't push it.
Well, this turned out to be a pretty good Christmas after all.
Yeah.
See, ma? It's still about family.
That's right.
We have family, friends, And strangers.
Ain't nobody stranger than me.
Except maybe Tim.
Merry Christmas.
Cynthia, what the hell are you doin' here? Hey.
Ooh.
Adele called and told me you moved the party down here.
Everybody, this is my sister Cynthia.
Hey.
Coach, call Lenny.
Bring him down here.
Baby, I can't.
Why not? I thought Cynthia was in Mexico.
Well, I was, but I missed my big snowman.
Where is he? You know, Coach, I took your Christmas present.
I returned it and bought Cynthia a ticket.
I did the same thing.
I took your present back.
I bought Lenny a ticket.
To where? la cucaracha, la cucaracha dah la la, la la la la You know, you people could own texas If you didn't insist on takin' a nap every afternoon.
la cucaracha, la cucaracha hah la la la la la la Hey! Well, you know what Somebody say something? Nah.
Oh.
Maybe it was just heavy breathing.
And you only have a few seconds before you pull it out and Everything becomes a gooey mess.
Well, mama, we promise we'll make it up to you.
We'll have a perfect new year's eve.
Ok.
Nah.
No, brother.
No.
We can't.
Stop.
Forget the new year's eve.
You know what? But, yo, we can't have no Why can't we have a great new year's eve? No.
No, no, no.
I got plans for new year's eve.
What we will do, we'll celebrate a good groundh Carl, can you calm the hell down? What's wrong with you?