Bunheads (2012) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Michelle, prince charming's here for you.
I live in this beautiful town called paradise.
- Who's this? - Wait, you live with your mother? She has a dance studio.
Her whole life is here.
Who are you? She is my daughter-in-law.
Hubbell was in a car accident.
Oh my god, he's dead? How many times have I told you My production of the nutcracker Is the highlight of my year? Air conditioning's not working.
- Must smell great.
Who needs a spray? - I do.
( screaming ) What? What the-- Aah! I maced you! Boo: Why would you do that?! Michelle: It was an accident.
- I'm roman.
- So, what are you in for? Mosh pit got a little too intense.
What about you? My ballet teacher maced us During a production of the nutcracker.
Wow.
Don't drag me into court and have me flogged.
That woman is never around our children ever again! Oh captain, my captain.
Oh captain, my captain.
You know at the end of the movie The guy had to leave anyhow, right? Thank you.
( music playing ) shh shh it's oh so quiet shh shh it's oh so still Second group, ready.
Wait, what's the first step? Seriously, blondie? All right, follow the old broad in front.
( groans ) and so peaceful until you fall in love zing boom the sky up above zing boom is caving in wow bam you never been so nuts about a guy you want to laugh, you want to cry you cross your heart and hope to die ( groans ) My god, this is so hard.
Why do you do this? Oh, jeeze.
All right.
Just keep going.
it's oh so still Keep going.
That's good.
Travel.
That's good.
All right.
and so peaceful until you blow a fuse zing boom the devil cuts loose zing boom so what's the use wow bam I'm falling in love the sky caves in the devil cuts loose you blow blow blow blow blow your fuse.
Oh-- ohh Ow.
Oh god.
Aah.
Whoa! Whoa! Students: Shh.
Whoo! Yay.
Yay, that was great.
Excellent, excellent.
Leave me.
Go home.
Save yourselves.
Oh god.
Ohh.
Wait, seriously, just like that? Edgar, edgar! ( theme music playing ) Michelle: Seriously.
I don't know if I can get up.
Truly: Fanny? Fanny? Are you here? Are you home? Are you up? ( crashing ) Truly, are you bleeding? No Yes.
- Don't move, please.
- Okay.
Ow.
- Don't move, please.
- Okay.
Ow.
Truly! - Stay still.
- I'm sorry.
I'm really excited.
I can see that.
I've been obsessing over the design for this kitchen.
I know you want something new, But you don't know what.
- Uh-huh.
- And last night, I had a dream.
- Were there gerbils? - There were gerbils.
But this time, they did not make me dance.
Instead, they led me down a hallway And into a kitchen.
A really great kitchen.
Come with me.
Where are you going? Truly? Okay, so after the gerbils, I got up and I tried to put it together With paint samples and tile samples And pictures of appliances, But I just couldn't translate the picture in my head.
I need you to see what's in my head.
Welcome to my head.
- What on earth? - It's your kitchen.
Down to the last tiny details.
You built a cardboard kitchen? Yeah.
Originally, I was just gonna do one wall, So then I figured, "why not just build the whole thing So you can stand in it?" I can't stand in it.
Okay, so I redid your whole work triangle.
I moved the fridge over here.
Much better.
Sink and stove over there.
Oh, look.
For pasta water.
Cool, right? It's the new big thing.
Oh, and a wok.
Remember how I always said - You wanted a wok? - No.
Well, now you have a wok.
I gave you a wall of spices, And I found this really great paint treatment idea Out of a book of cuban homes, see? Truly, I can't see anything.
Gah! Wait, sorry.
Here.
Better? I've been trying to put a label On exactly what the style is.
I think it's kind of a greenwich village 1950s coffee house See the harold clurman and lenin portraits over the sink? You wired a cardboard box for electricity? I think it's the most disturbing thing you've ever done.
No.
Not by a long shot.
( sighs ) I may never walk upright again.
- Do you hate it? - I do not hate it.
- Are you gonna do it? - I don't know.
Well, what didn't you like? I can fix it.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know what to do with the kitchen.
I don't know what to do with the living room.
I don't know what to do with my life.
This has been such a terrible year.
I just feel stuck.
My chi is completely stagnant.
Well, what can I do? I don't know.
I just feel like everything in my life Needs to change.
I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Truly? - Yes? Have you ever been a blonde? Two bedrooms, one-and-a-half baths, And a bonus room off the garage.
Ignore the floor.
A rock band rented it for a month.
And they had a lot of parrots.
You'll just replace the carpet.
- What's wrong with the heating system? - The former owner took it.
He took the heating system? And the doorknobs.
And the kitchen cupboards, Some copper piping, the shower heads, Curtain rods, one toilet seat, and the mailbox.
Why would he do that? Was he crazy? This happens a lot in foreclosures.
But on the bright side, That is why this baby is priced to sell.
Seems like a lot of work.
Excuse me, mara, is it? Mara, what you have here is what we in the biz call A blank palette.
You can make it into whatever you want it to be.
You could knock out that wall, open the kitchen out To the living area.
You have kids? - Two.
- Darling.
Well, the schools in this area And this street is the most desirable street in town.
To have the crappiest house on the best street, This is absolutely the crappiest house there is.
How's the kitchen? Just needs a little love, mara.
Address, cell, and e-mail would be super.
If you have any questions, I'm ginny.
Cut it smaller.
It has to last till 4:00.
Help yourself to a sandwich.
( phone beeps ) ( ringing ) Hey.
Hey, ginny.
Can't talk.
Stop running! You're babysitting? For the rest of my life.
What? My mom came home today And announced she's pregnant.
- Ew! - I know.
- Ugh! Why? - I don't know.
I thought we were past all that.
Oh god.
So so sorry.
My dad's in a panic.
He came home today and canceled All the movie channels.
( screaming ) God, did she have it already? That is my brother's play group.
It is my mother's day to take them which means It is now my day to take them.
Plus my mom has to be on complete bed rest, Starting now, Which means I am in charge of the house, Which means I have to cut back on my oyster bar hours.
Bummer.
I have a couple of pocket listings If this one doesn't work for you.
Thank you.
Whatever.
No way you guys are getting a loan anyhow.
Where are you? My mother's open house.
Why? Because, boo, my father finally set the wedding date With faye mendelson and my mother Is taking it very very well.
Oh, sorry.
She can't be around people for longer than a minute Without crying or screaming.
So here I am wearing the blazer.
Oh, hey, before I forget, It did.
There was a little problem And I had to reroute it.
Nanette: Boo? Hey, I have to go.
I'll call you back.
Do you want pizzas? I'm making them.
Mmm.
Yes, I do want one.
Hey, do we have a cooler? I don't know.
I'll have to look.
You have to keep a cooler filled with snacks And drinks near you at all times Isn't that the best thing you've ever heard? - Almost.
- I also have to make sure To put on clean clothes, brush my hair, And put on lipstick every day Which is hilarious since I do none Of those things now.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Bed rest.
I'm gonna be on bed rest.
For months I'm going to sleep late And lounge around.
I'm gonna watch movies, I'm finally going to see the finally of "friends.
" I don't even know who the friends are.
Are they friends anymore? You know what? Don't tell me.
I will find out for myself Because I am on, say it with me-- - Bed rest.
- Bed rest.
- Yay! - Yay.
( sighs ) ( phone ringing ) Hey.
Boo: Hey, I just wanted to make sure-- Hold on.
Yes, jeff? You two gonna order anything? Yeah, could I get a spoon for this pudding And some water, no ice.
And then? Let's see how that goes first.
Two and a half hours.
You've been sitting here for two and a half hours.
You've ordered one coffee, one root beer, A blt that you sent back-- We forgot his teeth.
That paying customers who order food And pay tips could be using.
No one's here, jeffrey.
And take up the same three tables.
It's not every day, drama queen.
People walk by and see an old man in a wheel chair And think this is a nursing home.
People walk by and see a "grade pending" sign In the window, and think this is a gordon ramsay show.
We have a "b.
" got it yesterday.
Congratulations.
I'm on the phone.
Go somewhere else.
Go to denny's.
Look, my grandpa's life is in a wheelchair, okay? And I try to make that life As pleasant as possible, which means Whatever he wants to do, we do.
And he wants to come here.
I don't know why, but he does.
So I'm going to bring him here as long as he wants.
Now go get us that water.
- Hey! - We sell pudding.
Buy it.
Sorry, jeff's ovulating.
I just want to make sure that the package got there okay.
Yes.
It arrived.
It's fine.
Okay.
Good.
Got to go.
I'm never having children.
Preaching to the choir.
Water, no ice.
Do not think of asking for straws.
- Don't you dance? - What? Ballet? Why aren't you in class? Isn't that what you do? Yeah, well Things aren't really happening right now.
( sighs ) If we can pick a focal point, It might help the whole room come into focus.
- Uh-huh.
- In liechtenstein There's a manufacturer of german refrigerators That are really amazing looking.
Nobody will have a fridge like this.
Do you see a box labeled "tea pots"? We would just have to convert the current From european to american.
And they don't deliver or ship So we would have to go to germany to buy it, Then train to liechtenstein to pick it up And drive it back home.
Sounds very complicated.
Well yeah, but it comes in purple.
The studio looks so weird like this.
With the christmas tree up and the fireplace And the police tape.
All dusty and forgotten.
Scary.
Like it's haunted.
Haunted by the ghosts of little girls, Screaming from being maced.
Why is there a canoe in here? One of the neighbors needed a place to store it.
Nothing is more terrifying than a canoe.
All right, time to get you out of here.
But what about your tea pot? I'll buy another one.
Fanny.
When do you think you'll open the studio Back up again? When it feels right.
Ladies and gentlemen, two shakes of stardust.
( music playing ) You wanna see something? Yeah! ( door opens ) Honey, I'm home.
Remember what you look like.
Rick took me dancing.
- Cleopatra's barge? - Yep.
- So sad.
- Stop.
He likes cleopatra's barge.
He used to hang there with the actual cleopatra.
Hey, he's the reason I came home with this.
Where is grandpa anyhow? He won't park on the street.
Thinks his car will get broken into.
With age comes wisdom.
He's not as old as you think.
I think he discovered fire.
See? Wrong.
I think he held the commandments While moses used the little boys' room.
- Wrong again.
- I think he voted for polk.
Hey, rick.
We were just talking about you.
Michelle.
Michelle, michelle my belle.
I hear you guys went dancing tonight.
Well, when you are squiring A lady like this one around, You have to keep the nights interesting.
- Squiring.
- Stop.
I think he was in the crusades.
Oh, you're not hungry tonight.
- Too bad.
- No, I'm hungry.
I'm super hungry.
I'm hungry and sorry And hungry.
You know, you're always welcome to come out with us.
- Yeah.
- A pretty girl like you Should not be sitting around here every night.
I can fix you up with a friend of mine.
That'd be swell.
Right, michelle? My friend georgie gets out of the hospital Friday.
- Hospital? - Nothing serious.
You know, a polyp here and there.
A couple of zaps, he'll be chasing you Around the dinner table by Wednesday.
Wow.
I can't wait.
Well fine then.
I will set it up tomorrow.
Honey, could you bring me a glass of water And a couple of those-- - I will.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Viagra? - Tums.
Goodnight, michelle.
Michelle, michelle, my belle.
Goodnight, rick.
Oh wait wait wait.
You'd know this.
Jesus, married or single? - What? - I'll be right in, baby.
All right, darling.
Goodnight.
I am always nice to your boyfriends.
My boyfriends don't have an aarp bumper sticker on their car.
You mean on their brand new jaguar? Fine, you win.
Ah, steak.
My favorite.
There's mac and cheese in there also.
You take very good care of me.
How was work? It was magical.
- At least you're dancing.
- In henderson.
Henderson's not that different from vegas.
Henderson is rob schneider To vegas' daniel day lewis.
It's a job.
The hookers look sad for me.
And you don't know pathetic until you've been Pitied by a henderson hooker.
Actually there are no official henderson hookers.
They're just laughlin hookers passing through Who stopped in to use the bathroom and thought "well, as long as I'm here.
" - To take you back.
- Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Mmm.
Boy, this is so good.
You are nuts that you never eat Grandpa walton is plying you with.
If I ate the delicious food He was plying me with, he wouldn't be Plying me with it anymore.
'cause you'd be a big fat lady.
He likes me in the little tight dresses With big high heels.
Once in a while and "on golden pond" in there - Would still love you.
- Can't risk it yet.
Too new.
Hey, do you want me to make myself scarce tonight? And have him explain to you who the marx brothers are again.
That's okay.
He drank a martini tonight.
- He's probably out.
- Oh.
We're gonna have a quiet home evening.
Our very first quiet home evening.
I might even bake.
Do you like him? Of course I like him.
No, I mean, do you like him like him? No.
- Well-- - I'd make your mind up a little faster If I were you.
Time's a tickin'.
- Is it weird if I do? - Yes.
He's generous and funny.
He likes movies.
He likes to dance.
He's actually in very good shape.
He goes to the gym every day.
The important thing is can you carry him 'cause that's the more likely scenario.
I should get in there.
Night.
Hold on a sec.
For rent.
Thanks.
I'm glad you're happy.
Things will get better.
Red pill every four hours, Blue pill ever 12 hours, And the green pill as needed.
But don't let him con you with those.
He likes to take extra and watch the money honey.
Call if you need anything.
Your grandpa? Mom's taking over today.
Which is frankly a bummer 'cause looking after him is the only thing I had to do all summer.
I know.
It's been so weird.
- No ballet.
- I can't remember the last time There's been no ballet.
I'm actually looking forward to school.
- Me too.
- Even math.
What's that craziness all about? Oh no, I just thought of something.
We're going to have to take gym.
- What? Why? - No ballet, No notes from madame fanny.
Ugh.
Teams, balls, high fives.
Coach contratti's mole.
I thought physical education in public schools Melanie: Ironic, isn't it? They sell you cupcakes You have to run around like an idiot Ginny: Ah! Knee socks.
I forgot about the knee socks.
Melanie: Maybe we can say we're sick.
- For the entire year? - Yeah.
My cousin did it.
- Next idea.
- Maybe we can forge a note With madame fanny's name on it.
That would be a neat trick.
I just saw you girls sitting here And I thought I would come over and say hello.
Hello.
Now you say hello back.
Both: Hello.
May I sit down? Uh, sure.
So how's your summer been? - Fine.
- Yeah, fine.
Good.
Boo's summer has been? Both: Fine.
How did sasha like joffrey? She's got a couple more weeks.
Oh, I thought she'd be back by now.
Well, have you heard from her? Yeah.
She's fine.
Right.
Oh, uh, that's not ours.
Yeah, we didn't order that.
- Yes you did.
Yes.
- No.
We don't eat stuff like that ever.
Look, I'm not one of those waiters Who says they got it and they don't got it.
I write stuff down.
Two fries, two onion rings, Corn dog bites for "b.
" I wrote "b" for blonde.
You're blonde.
Sweet potato chips, chicken fingers, Cheese straws, and jalapeno poppers.
I drew two pig faces because there's two of you And we call this the pig platter in the kitchen.
- Look, can you just-- - no.
If I take it back I pay for it or I eat it, Neither scenario's gonna happen.
Be right back with the cheese sauce.
Relax, girls.
I know it's summer.
This is the time to eat junk food and go crazy.
It's fine.
Well, I just wanted to say hello.
Both: Hello.
Nice to see you.
Madame fanny? Have you heard from michelle? Uh, yes.
She sent a note with a forwarding address.
She's fine.
Have you seen it? - What are you doing here? - Where's the package? - Screw the package! - Bettina jordan, I never.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
The package is fine.
I just-- Did you see it? - See what? - Madame fanny? What? No.
Madame fanny, no.
Where, here? Never mind.
It's awful.
- What's awful? - What did we miss? - You have to say.
- I can't.
Boo, I spent the last two months Mashing food into paste so an old man could gum it down.
Throw me a bone.
Maybe no one will ever see it.
Maybe no one will ever know.
Hey, superstar.
Autographs before you leave.
hey it's time to dance.
Your shower is spraying the entire bathroom again Which is fun and challenging.
- I'll call a plumber.
- What were you looking at? - Hmm? - On the type-y box-y thing.
You closed it quickly when I came into the room Like there was something on it Oh yeah, I watch a lot of procedurals.
- You want coffee? - No.
Let's go out and get some pancakes.
- No.
Talia.
- My treat.
( sighs ) you're going to see it anyway.
- Enjoy.
- ( music playing ) - That's boo.
- getting ready to go out our teacher lined us up her name's michelle michelle It's a song.
How is that a song? I guess she gave an interview to the local news And someone saw it and made it into a video.
and then she maced us but all I could hear was hey it's time to dance she maced us - But why? - Kids are bored.
Then huff some glue like the rest of us did.
Oh my god.
That's me.
it's time it's time to dance "nutcracker macer.
" that's not a big deal? What is this? What am I looking at? It's on the internet, honey.
Well, who else has seen this? - it's time to dance - a million people have seen this? Oh my god.
- it's time - look on the bright side.
You've done in your life, this is the first one That's gone viral.
it's time to dance And you look super thin.
it's time it's time to dance.
Oh my god.
It's like I've never eaten before.
Why didn't you just order more fries - After she left? - Because she'd know.
I don't know how she'd know, but she'd know.
I may never be able to order fries again.
Mom.
Get back to bed.
I can't.
I can't lay there anymore.
- It's only been a day.
- Is that it? Oh my god, I'll never make it.
- Mom.
- You were supposed to bring me snacks And you never got me that cooler.
I will bring you food whenever you want.
You don't hear me when I call.
I got you a bell.
Ring the bell.
It's an annoying bell, boo.
I hate the bell.
I'm sorry.
I miss the sun.
( screaming ) That's what happens when you grow up without a mother.
- ( sighs ) - get back to bed now.
What is my life now? Six months of watching katie couric Give herself a colonoscopy over and over and over.
I could watch this forever.
It's genius.
Stop.
It's horrible.
Why is it horrible? Because michelle is going to hate me.
Well, michelle's not here.
And being hated from afar I don't even remember talking to any news people that night.
( gasps ) boo, the package! Shoot.
I forgot.
That is the worst smelling broom closet You've been in a lot of broom closets, have you? Enough to know it shouldn't smell like a broom From "slumdog millionaire.
" Sound on.
Sound off.
Doesn't matter.
Still great.
Let me see it again.
In case you're wondering, This is not supportive.
- Nanette: Boo? - Go go go.
I could read a book.
Do we have books? Because if I read a book, it will get my mind Off the fact that I'm going insane.
I'll just read the book and by the time I finish, I'll just think I was always like that.
Sitting in the living room counts? - Sure.
- Okay.
Just got super friendly with a wet-vac.
We just passed two million hits.
Yes.
Take that, cleft palate choir.
- Whoo! - Do not "whoo" this.
This is not a "whoo" thing.
We are not "whoo"ing this.
Boo, relax.
This is your 15 minutes of fame.
Okay.
Not that I don't enjoy having you in my broom closet, But when are you ever going to go home? Eventually.
You've been here for over a week.
You don't think they'll get wise? Look.
All they know is that until school starts, I'm at joffrey.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Maybe things got better between them Maybe michelle will think the video's funny.
Nice, sasha.
Boo? Your brother did a weird sticky thing in the-- - I got it.
- Okay.
( chuckling ) ( scattered applause ) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm jo-jo deline.
This is two shakes of stardust.
And if you still want to see something, We're back in an hour.
( music playing ) ( song ends ) ( scattered applause ) Thanks for the fat guy, michelle.
Hey, he wasn't claustrophobic.
He barely fit in the box.
Americans like fries.
What can I say? You know you have a little bit of an attitude tonight.
I understand.
I'm an artist too.
I have temperamental days.
Just don't forget who's paying the bills.
One more thing.
You forgot to clap.
When I say "you wanna see something?" You're supposed to clap.
- Clap? - Yes, clap.
Get the audience into it.
You gotta clap.
Cissy claps.
I do.
I clap.
So just to be clear again, I say "you wanna see something?" You clap, got it? It's completely redundant, you know? What is? Your catchphrase.
"you wanna see something?" The very fact that they came to see a show Means they want to see something.
They're here.
They came here.
You don't need to keep asking them Over and over if they wanna see something.
Plus, your sign says "want to," And you keep saying "wanna," The ridiculous sign you put up there.
A man puts everything he has into an act.
A sign.
And you have the nerve To tell him it's wrong? My sign's wrong? I'm saying my own saying, wrong? You know what? I don't want you holding the bird.
Now you did it.
Cissy's got the bird.
You can focus on your clapping And your crappy attitude.
Now I'm gonna put that speaker in the car.
Come back, get that speaker, put it in the car, Get the cords and monitor, put them in the car, Change, put my costume in the car, And then I'm gonna take my wife Out to dinner because she earned it.
She claps like a champ.
( sighs ) Is this your hummus? It was.
It's good.
Is everything okay? I ate his hummus.
I heard something and came out to see what it was.
It was me eating his hummus.
I didn't think she was gonna be here.
Why didn't you think-- Oh crap.
I'm not supposed to be home yet.
I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
Oh, I just had this terrible night.
I got into this giant fight With jo-jo, the amazing idiot.
I made fun of his sign and I told him he was a moron, And here's what a giant loser I am, I didn't even get fired.
Nope.
They took the bird away from me.
I don't get to hold the bird.
Cissy's going to hold the bird And I'm going to stand there doing this.
So if you show up tomorrow night Excited to see me holding the bird, You're going to be severely disappointed.
She's upset.
Let's go back to bed.
Why is she still here? Talia: She's my friend.
Rick: How long is she gonna stay? - I don't know.
- I mean, she's always around.
She doesn't go anywhere.
Why doesn't she date? Is there something wrong with her hoo-ha? Talia: There's nothing wrong with her hoo-ha.
She's had a bad year.
She's stuck.
She's not moving up.
You heard, they took the bird away from her.
I've seen the act ( "nutcracker macer" music playing ) then someone grabbed me and said hey it's time to dance she maced us it's time to dance.
You sure you like them? - I am sure.
- They're redder than I thought.
I like red.
I can do them again.
Do not do them again.
So you love them and you're happy? - Yes.
- Will you come see The new kitchen box I made? Take a break, truly.
( groans ) okay.
( wedding March playing ) Almost there.
You're doing great.
Okay.
Wow! That walk is longer than you think.
Yes! Very nice.
Are we ready to begin? No encore? Yes.
We're ready.
Yes! Let's do it.
Okay.
- Dearly beloved-- - wait, gotta pee.
Hold this.
Is that the bathroom? Isn't she something? Very special.
Wrong way.
Oh, sorry.
Giant flowers.
( groans ) I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
You can just start again when she gets back, right? - Sure.
- Great.
Great.
I'm excited.
You should be.
She's pretty.
Beautiful.
The most beautiful girl I've ever met.
And I've met megan fox.
Wow.
So, yeah.
Boy, you should see her on stage.
- She's an actress? - Dancer.
Well, dancer now.
In the future, who knows, right? Michelle: Hey, screw you.
She told me to use this door! - Hey, where you going? - Gotta talk to someone.
You can't leave.
We're in the middle of a show.
Hey, I'm not holding the bird.
What are you doing here? Well, I came to see something.
Hilarious.
Aren't you supposed to be on stage? I just wanted to see how you're doing.
Take this martini back And bring one that actually has gin in it, please.
I'm doing great.
I went by your apartment.
An older gentleman answered the door.
Is he yours? - Talia's father? - Talia's Daddy.
Well, we had a lovely conversation About eisenhower and your hoo-ha.
And then he told me I could find you here, - So I did.
- I see.
I wouldn't go home without some hummus, fyi.
Thanks for the tip.
So, you don't work in vegas.
- No.
- You work here.
Yes.
And where is here? Henderson.
Well, I have to tell you I haven't driven to a place this charming Since the city gave us curbside recycling bins.
You've come to apply for a job At the chamber of commerce, is that it? I came to talk to you.
No.
- Will you sit down? - I'm in the middle of a show.
I think they can handle being ignored without you.
Fanny, just go.
So this is better? - Better than what? - Better than home? You own land there.
You have a house there.
You have students there.
All yours.
Not mine.
- Michelle-- - do you want me to sign something? Is that it? Fine.
I'll sign it All over to you.
I don't want it.
I'm fine right here.
I saw your wedding video this morning.
I have a wedding video? Yes, I assumed from the condition you were in You might not remember it.
You do know you got married? Yes, I know I got married.
Yes, I know I got married to hubbell, And hubbell was a wonderful guy.
- No.
- He would have dumped me in a month And gone back to truly.
That vegas made him crazy.
He would have dropped to his knees And asked your forgiveness for bringing the devil to paradise? I can't take you like this without a drink.
( sighs ) I'm going back on stage.
Michelle, just come home.
You don't want me there.
- Of course I do.
- No, fanny.
You don't.
You feel some weird obligation to me That I don't understand.
I feel an obligation to you because you're family.
You married my son.
That makes you family.
We were married for a minute.
You get married, you get family.
That's the deal.
That's how it's done.
Like it or not, I am your mother-in-law For the rest of your life.
We are permanently connected.
And it's ridiculous that you're sleeping on a couch at your age.
Especially when you have a home and a job And a town full of people who care about you.
- People who care about me? - Yes.
Those same people drove me out of town With torches and pitchforks.
Because you maced their children.
Macing their children is not a whatever.
You didn't want me to stay.
You blame me for michael leaving.
You blame me for ruining your nutcracker.
- You blame me for-- - fine, yes.
You're the only one who can get upset, have a bad day? You're the only one who can say something stupid and hurtful? Because you do.
You meddle and you don't think And you talk talk talk talk talk.
Great, now I'm gone.
Problem solved.
Someone gets mad at you so you just run away? - To this place? - Fanny.
You don't belong in this place.
This person belongs in this place.
Where are the olives? ( sighs ) My son loved you.
He wanted you to have a certain kind of life.
And if I just let you stay here And don't try to make that happen, Then I am not honoring his memory.
Hubbell saw something in you.
But you're gonna have to see it in yourself eventually.
Otherwise People told me daughters were harder.
I just thought it was because they could get pregnant.
King me.
You are so not asleep, come on! Jeff, do you have some mentholated balm back there? Why would we have mentholated balm in the kitchen? Well, that's what everything tastes like.
I can refuse to serve you.
It's on the sign.
Look, pal, this is a community place.
Word gets out you don't serve veterans, It is not going to be good.
Veterans of what? Life, pal.
Watch him.
I'm not watching him.
I'm not watching him.
- What are you doing here? - I need the keys.
- You can't stay at my grandpa's anymore.
- Why not? They put in his motorized lift today.
- He can go upstairs now.
- Great.
He wants to sleep in his own bedroom.
First night since grandma died.
I'm sorry, I've been sleeping in your dead grandmother's bed? Sorry, call boo.
You can't stay here tonight.
My mom is completely freaking out.
I'll hide out in the guest room.
She won't know I'm there.
No, you're not listening.
She has passed into a dark, dark place.
- You can't be here.
- But-- - Go to ginny's.
- Boo! I have to go.
Hey, mom.
Can I get you anything? Tell your father to come see me when he gets home.
Ginny, come on.
- Can't.
- The place is empty.
The place is sold.
We're in escrow And I've got inspectors here.
- One night.
- Sasha, The first three days of escrow are crucial.
That's where everything can fall apart.
Hey! That just needs glue.
You don't need to check it.
It's fine.
It's fine, it's fine.
Look, mel can't take me, Boo's mom's gone off the reservation, - What am I supposed to do? - Go home.
You're going to have to eventually.
Oh, I'm sorry, I have to-- Do not light the pilot on that stove! We met here.
Well, not here, obviously, vegas.
She was dancing in this show.
I saw it maybe 100 times.
- That's a lot.
- Yes.
I think I told her I saw it only 60 times though.
Tried to make it seem less creepy.
Uh, probably still seemed creepy.
But look at me now.
I got her.
Minister: Hey, do you mind if I get them in while we're waiting? What? Oh, no, sure.
Go ahead.
Okay, folks.
I wonder if michelle would have wanted a real wedding.
You know? With a white dress And the friends and family.
She doesn't seem real traditional to me.
She's not.
( chuckles ) Oh, my mother's gonna have a fit Not being here to see this.
It's my prediction however, that eventually she's gonna love michelle More than she loves me.
Michelle's, um-- Well, she's special.
That had no idea how incredible they are But you do? You see it? I mean, you spend five minutes with her And first, you're gonna be exhausted Because she's smart, she's fast, And you have to work hard to keep up.
But then you take her in, You see her, And it's spectacular.
She doesn't know it yet, but she's gonna do Some really great things.
I'm gonna make sure that happens.
I'm back.
Fyi, you need more toilet paper.
Are you backing out? No way.
I am right here.
Hi, pal.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today ( knocking on door ) - Hi.
- Hi.
I got your message.
Technology's a beautiful thing.
So this is your place? - No.
- Okay.
How was kansas? Mystifying.
And why did you go there? My aunt.
We go in the summers.
She has a dairy farm.
Did you milk anything? No.
Mostly sat in my room writing to you.
Oh.
So, joffrey-- final verdict? Cutthroat.
Lots of girls want to be seen.
But I was the only one who'd read "the art of war.
" - So.
- Wow.
Had some good teachers.
Learned things.
Good.
So.
So Do you want to take a bath? I just-- that was a joke.
I'm-- I'm standing by a bathtub, so - I get it.
- I didn't really mean-- - Sure.
Right.
- I just said it.
- A joke.
- Funny.
Are you gonna rob me? - What? - The outfit looks fairly menacing.
Oh.
Sorry.
I forgot I was-- Just trying to keep A low profile for the moment.
I respect that.
I'm glad to see you.
Are you? Yep.
Good.
Otherwise, all those e-mails you sent me Would have seemed a little weird.
( door opens ) Oh.
Hey, kid.
I'm so glad you're back.
Yeah, me too.
Can I crash here tonight? Yeah, why not? ( piano playing ) ( song ends ) I may want to go back to performing.
I may want to take more time off.
I may move back to new york.
I may throw pots and build a kiln outside your house.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
So, if you're not busy, I'd like your opinion on something.
What are you going to tell the angry villagers? That you are back, and if they don't like it, They are free to take their children To that enormous crazy woman With the pyramid system, Whose students end up with knock-knees And post-traumatic stress disorder.
Truly? Now, I'm doing a dance for the fall recital.
It's a little different for me, And I want to know if you think it's working.
- Sure.
- Okay.
( "nutcracker macer" song plays ) it's time to dance it's time it's time so we were all staggering around our eyes were on fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire and then she faced us and then she maced us but all I could hear was - ( mouths words ) - it's time to dance she maced us it's time to dance it's time - it's time to dance - they'll be in nutcracker costumes of course.
Mm.
it's time to dance she maced us ow.