Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e11 Episode Script

FITZ: I come from a long line of heroes -- Vikings, pirates, highwaymen.
Adventure was our reward.
Adventure, and all the women we could plunder Genetically, it's impossible for me to be a pussy.
Larry's ancestors, they had their heads caved in by my ancestors.
UP- Look at him.
' textbook wuss.
'7 lost my kidney a whole week ago, doing a good deed.
Fuss on me.
” Larry, you're gonna -- ”!'m gonna pretend I care about you because you make me money.
” [In feminine voice.]
: "I'll do anything to make you love me.
Just please, validate me.
” [In dopey voice .]
: 'Do, do, do-do --” Hey, wait a minute, is he talking about drugs? I'm talking about drugs.
I got oxy, Percs, horse tranqs.
I don't remember what this green one is.
Ä°t's candy.
Well, my natural filtration system is compromised, so I really should avoid any toxic substances.
Yeah, I'll take a Percocet.
You can have all the drugs you want, when you lose a kidney.
Hold my calls.
Um, I hate to be a bother, but I Oh.
Of course.
God dammit.
Why are you doting on him? You haven't wiped my ass in months.
That was one time.
You know, Larry's not the only one around here who's in agony.
My nut bag is on fire and no one's giving me any love.
Why is your nut bag on fire? No reason.
Oh! Fuck me hard in the ass, that hurts.
You have an STD? Ä°t's just a little syphilitic sore.
Syphilis? When were you planning on telling me? Why do you have to be such a selfish bastard? Maybe you should flip through this.
It might answer some of your more pressing questions.
Oh, Richard.
Oh, boo-hoo.
I gave her syphilis.
So shoot me.
[Gunshot.]
J' Without you J' J' I'd find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' [Gasping.]
Well, this won't do.
This won't do at all.
Listen, Cara, thanks for your daily, threatening phone call.
Your consistency is awesome.
But you're gonna need to take care of Fitz on your own.
I didn't do it.
I wasn't even here.
This garage is a mess.
There's grease and oil everywhere.
I can feel my pores clogging up just standing here, talking to you.
Okay, things are going to change now that I am in charge.
First of all, we're sanitizing this place.
-Second of all -- -[ Gunshot.]
MAN: What the fuck was that? Three-way bolt-action, extended barrel.
Muzzled.
.
Sniper! MAN: Get the fuck out of here! Let go of me.
What are you doing? -Quiet! Quiet.
-Okay, you know what? Sleeping with me if not gonna get you any special privileges.
Unless you go down on me first.
No! Forget that.
I'm seeing someone -- [Muffled speech.]
Uh, Richard.
What are you doing? Get down, numb nuts.
Haven't you ever been shot at before? No.
-Uh, never.
-Well, I have.
And trust me, if you don't wanna lose anything important, you get your asses on the ground.
You're imagining things.
That wasn't a shot.
A rock just kicked up from the ground at the same time that a car backfired.
Who would wanna shoot you? Are you kidding me? A pissed client with road rage, Janet's dad, those black-market kidney traders.
Fuck, it could be anyone who just tested positive for syphilis.
Richard, paranoid delusions are just another form of narcissism.
Oh, and a common symptom of tertiary stage syphilis.
-[ Gunshot.]
-Incoming! Ah! -Oh! -Oh, God! [Groaning.]
Larry? Are you all right? Oh, my God! You've been hit! You still think I'm crazy? No, it's okay.
it's just a little seepage from my incision.
Oh, God! Oh, thank God.
Let's get you to safety.
Hey, Sonja.
A little help? You can take care of yourself.
I'm injured, too! Yeah, STDs don't count.
[Radio beeping.]
MAN [Over radio .]
: Unit 8.
Shots fired.
Vicinity of Commercial and Union.
Fitzpatrick Motors.
Unit 8 responding.
Shots fired, Fitzpatrick Motors.
Rolling out.
What have you got there? Tuna melt.
You? Turkey brie.
Saul.
it's gotta be Saul.
He's hired someone to kill me so he can have full custody of Justin.
Can you keep a secret? I got some new product.
Big haul.
I mean, it makes sense.
He called child services on me.
Those Philippine middle-schoolers are expanding their turf.
Tough little fuckers.
And then, when that plan failed, he jumped to this final solution.
Oh, he calls himself a Jew.
I mean, you sell to one kid at recess -- One kid at recess -- He practically had a beard.
And all of a sudden, I'm the one that's encroaching? Josh! Josh! -Where are you going? -[ Gunshot.]
Get back here.
I'm scared! Oh, my God.
What is that? Is that -- Is that personal? You can't keep personal stuff in the garage, okay, Josh? I mean, that is company policy.
So I'm just -- Okay, well, this time, I'm gonna let you off with a verbal warning, but next time, I'm gonna have to write you up, okay? So -- What is happening there? Ä°t's a little something me and the boys cooked up when we were pinned down in Guam.
[Gasping.]
Ah! We gotta get rid of it.
All of it.
[inhaling.]
Um, my body is a temple.
[Gunshot.]
Whoa! Fucking, fucking, fucking fuck! Yeah, take a big one.
There you go.
Yeah.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Couldn't you stay over there? Richard, we need to talk about your syphilis.
-Now? -Yeah.
I'm already dead.
That's it -- I died in that car crash, and you're my hell! Don't be silly.
You're not dead, and nobody's going to kill you today.
-Not if I can help it.
-[ Gunshot.]
What if I'm not the target? What if they're after Sonja? One of her one-night stands? I have only ever been with two guys.
Well, maybe this is some of the old man's demons coming back to haunt him.
[Gunshot.]
Hell, for all we know, you could be the target.
What do we really know about you, Larry? If that even is your real name? What is it? Mob ties? Are you in witness protection or something? Shush! We don't have time for wild fantasies.
[Phone ringing.]
Good morning, Fitzpatrick Motors.
How can I direct your call? [Distorted voice .]
: The archangel of justice is coming to smite thee.
Ä°t's for you.
Take a message? All right, all right! Fine.
This is Fitz.
When you woke up this morning, did you think, ”This could be the day I die?” When you woke up this morning, did you think you should see a respirologist? Seriously, you gotta get that checked out.
That's funny.
You wanna hear something else funny? [Gunshot.]
Now, shut up and listen.
All the doors are booby-trapped, except for the front entrance.
Anyone tries to sneak out, and they're dead.
What do you want? I want you to walk out the front door so I can plaster your brains all over your precious pre-owned merchandise.
You leave the cars out of this.
You've got 30 minutes to decide.
If you don't surrender yourself, everyone in there is going to die.
[Dial tone.]
What did they say? You're all gonna die.
I'm dehydrated, hungry, happy, and mellow.
And scared.
I'm really freaking out.
Okay, I'm not going to be able to triangulate the position of the sniper if you don't keep it down.
Oh, my God.
I forgot there was a sniper.
Saul! Why does he have to be so dramatic, just 'cause I'm dating again? Okay, unless he was trained by the CIA, I don't think that Saul is the shooter.
-Was Saul in the CIA? -Oh, for -- Is Rup on the no-fly list? Is Justin an informant? Oh, wow! Maybe he's not even my kid! You do realize you gave birth to him, don't you? [Mouthing .]
: Oh, my God.
Really? Heidi, Adriana, Caylan, Jan-girl, Pigtails, Moans Loudly, Dislocated Shoulder -- Oh, did I ever tell you that story? Uh, no.
Richard, this list is a little long for all the girls you've slept with in the past month.
I gotta remember the entire month? Oh, boy.
Yeah, well, according to the doctor, that's how long you've been infected with the syphilis.
WOMAN: Syphilis sores have a maximum I have my monthly Brazilian scheduled for tonight.
-Fitz likes a manicured lawn.
-[ Gunshot.]
So it must've been at least 28 days ago.
If I don't get it today, am I in the clear? -You should still see a doctor.
-[ Gunshot.]
Although, from the sound of it, syphilis may be the least of your issues.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? Well, we have to disclose your STD to everyone on that list.
Are you out of your fuckin' mind? You want to attract more snipers? Richard, I caught a very interesting program on the radio this morning about Eastern mysticism.
Now, according to ancient beliefs, if you do bad things to the universe, you have to right those wrongs.
And hiding information from people that it might harm is bad karma.
Fuck karma.
Ä°t's going to take a lot more than penicillin to reverse the effects of you spreading your communicable disease, buster! Jesus.
Did Larry get into my stash, too? Okay! I'll start with calling the women you slept with, "A" through "K.
" Josh, you take care of"L" through Meghan? Look at my bones.
Uh, okay.
Richard, maybe you should take care of the rest, yeah? Okay, let's go! Look at my bones! Where is everybody? So, what are you doing later? [Phone clicking off.]
God.
"l might've given you syphilis," is the worst icebreaker ever.
Yeah, I got something I gotta tell you.
You wanna get together for drinks later? [Clicking off.]
Uh-huh.
Oh! Hey, Dislocated Shoulder sends her regards.
"Go, Fitz, go"? Yeah, you remember me now, don't you? Listen, um, there's something I gotta tell you.
No, it's purely for medicinal reasons.
Doctors prescribe it for STDs all the time.
Let me just put you down for half a quarter.
[Clicking off.]
Do you remember last week when we were in the Tilt-A-Whirl? Yeah.
Something I gotta tell you.
[Clicking off.]
Waste of fuckin' time.
Once again, Larry, your plan is full of holes.
Well, you might feel better to know that my window of infection is over.
I have thoroughly inspected myself, and I am STD-free.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
'Cause that's what's been weighing on my head today.
Thank God.
Crisis averted.
You really don't care that someone is out there shooting at us because of something you did? You really don't care if I live or die today, that I have never been to Paris, eaten lobster, or owned a small, furry pet.
Are you done? No.
No, you know what? You deserve this.
Yeah.
The STDs, the turning- your-back-on-your-friends, and the way you treat Larry.
I am surprised the snipers didn't get to you sooner.
To think that I wasted all of this time on such a -- A waste.
So, mouth-turd, any more bright ideas? Well, I noticed there was one name you forgot to put on the list of "A" through "K"s.
Starts with "Ali," ends with "Devin.
" She's a woman scorned, Richard.
Who knows what she's capable of? How far she's sunk? Hmm? You're a nice guy, right? Of course I am.
And we're having a nice time? Mm-hm.
I can think of a few ways to make it nicer.
Why don't we take things slow? I mean, it's just that I don't want to repeat all those same mistakes I've made in the past.
What kind of mistakes are you talking about? Oh, uh, well, you know.
I've just been with a lot of guys who aren't as nice.
Were you ever nice to any of those not-so-nice guys? Chester! I mean, Richard Fitzpatrick.
Did you guys ever -- I was never nice to Fitz, okay? And frankly, if someone took him out today, I wouldn't shed a tear.
Shh.
Alison.
Oh, okay.
Mm.
[Phone ringing.]
This has gone far enough.
Not quite.
That walking pustule still has a head.
Please, as a sign of good faith, could you at least let one of us go? Fine.
One of the peons can be released.
-Thank you.
-Oh, thank God.
-Finally.
-Oh, I'd fuck a goat for a roti.
Larry, you're the one who needs medical attention.
You should go.
Sonja, you are so kind and thoughtful, which is why it should be you.
Do any of you mind if it's me? I desperately have to dip my balls in a bath of calamine lotion.
-That's disgusting.
-Blech.
Hey, where's Meghan? I'm coming Rupy! FITZ: That selfish bitch! JOSH: Trust me.
it's probably for the best.
Oh, I'm coming.
No, don't you see? This is a clear sign.
We disclosed your disease, and the universe has rewarded us, by getting Meghan out of our hair.
Whoopee! Yes! And since we agreed that Ali, as a legal professional, would use a more discreet means of killing you -- Poison.
Oleander, most likely.
Yeah, crushed into a fragrant and deadly broth.
That's good thinking, Josh.
That would really just finish him off.
I'm standing right here.
Right.
I'm sorry.
Other suspects, let's see.
Someone who can stake out a sight from long range, stand their ground in a negotiation, a single-minded determination to do what they know is right.
-No.
I got nothing.
-Yeah, me neither.
[Phone ringing.]
What do you want, Josh? Cara, you -- You gotta stop.
These people: Larry, Ken, Sonja, Fitz -- they're my friends.
Richard Fitzpatrick is not your friend.
That's not -- That's not true.
He's my BFF.
You know, you don't know him like I do, okay? Cara, you -- You gotta stop.
What exactly do you want me to stop? All right, when I said, "Take care of Fitz on your own," I didn't mean, "Put Fitzpatrick Motors under siege with snipers rifles and --" [Gunshot.]
Oh, yeah.
Ha-ha.
Shit.
Okay, now, if Set A is all the women Richard slept with and didn't call back, and Set B is all the customers you low-balled and didn't reimburse, then I'm pretty sure we'll find our culprit somewhere in this intersection.
Ooh! What about all the loan sharks he's slept with and never paid back? Excellent input, Sonja.
I'll just add that new variable right here.
What? Spit it out.
Uh, you know that junior survivalist that's been hanging around a lot? Well, um, I'm pretty sure she's killed before.
You see? This isn't about sex or cars, or unpaid sexy loan sharks, just some psychopath, forgot to take her lithium.
Which still could have been avoided.
If you disclosed your venereal disease earlier, then bad karma wouldn't be raining down on us in the form of actual sniper fire.
Well, you're just as crazy as that bi-polar psycho out there with the gun.
Hey, she's not bi-polar, she's bi-curious.
You really don't think this is all connected, Richard? Then why is it the one person you left off your list of sexual partners is also the only one that can help us put a stop to that young woman? What can I do to stop her? Oh.
No, I'm sorry, Sonja.
I should've been more clear.
I meant Ali.
So You slept with Ali, too? Uh -- Ugh! [Phone ringing.]
Whoa! Phone! Hello? Hey, doll face.
What do you want? Just a chat.
Catch up.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I thought you should know, your deranged little foot soldier's gone all trench coat mafia and is taking pot shots at my dealership.
Even if I did believe you, why are you not calling the police? We did.
Oh, of course.
And they're not coming because nobody cares enough to help you? Why should I? You're many things, Ali Devin: a hot piece of tail, a pistol in the sack, a shitty lawyen but accessory to murder? How would that look on the old résumé? Ali? Ali, are you still-- [Toilet flushing .]
Do you mind if we wait, like, another 20 minutes? We have to go to Fitzpatrick Motors.
You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
[Sighs.]
As much as I hate him, Richard Fitzpatrick could be in serious trouble with a mentally unstable teenage girl.
Are you sure this is bullet proof? What do I look like, a doctor? What do you think you're doing? Ä°t's time to face your accusers, Richard.
And since you won't do it, I will do it for you.
Stop it.
Larry, I don't know about this.
Ä°t's okay, Sonja.
Ä°t's time I live by example, practice what I preach.
I am nice to the universe, and the universe is nice to me.
Plus, I want lunch.
Oh, I get it.
Not only do I get blamed for some deranged fuckin' sniper, but numbskull here thinks he's gonna play hero? Fuck that.
I've got your back, Fitzy.
Um You want me? Come and get me! Take your best shot! Hey.
Hello? Hey, where are you going? I'm here to help! I'm handy with explosives! Richard? Richard, wait! Wait! It doesn't have to end like this! Told you this was just a hoax.
Richard Fitzpatrick is the boy who cried wolf.
An attention-seeking whiner, who -- [Gunshot.]
I don't wanna die! [Dialing.]
Cara, what do you think you're doing? Openly shooting at Richard Fitzpatrick isn't going to solve anything.
It wasn't me.
You didn't just shoot that gun? Uh, no, I mean, I did.
It was an accident, but I just got here.
Bullshit, kid.
If it wasn't you, then who was it? The gun, the empty casings, the bag full of explosives they could be anyone's.
Besides, even if they were mine, it wouldn't matter, 'cause someone else will be back here again tomorrow.
Look, Cara, I am really sorry.
I know things didn't turn out the way you planned.
But that's life.
Sometimes you have to compromise.
You have to settle for things that you never thought you'd have to.
I swear, it wasn't me.
I was outside your window all day watching Chester get handsy with you.
Oh, Cara, you need help.
You don't understand.
Just let me help you.
Ooh.
-Traitor.
-I got her, Fitzy.
Only after you acted as my spy.
What's she talking about? Look at his cell phone.
The pictures, the text messages.
You'll see.
He's not your friend, after all.
I-I don't know what happened.
I caught her in your office snooping, and I tried to stop her, and next thing I know, she's everywhere, man! At the porn shoot, at the bachelor party, planting pipe bombs at all the exits.
Hey, man, let me get this straight.
You're in cahoots with this psycho? Kinda.
Selling her my secrets to help her sabotage my legal defense? I wouldn't call it "sabotage" Only to provoke her to start shooting at me? I'm not the shooter.
Fitzy, my man, you got it all wrong.
Thanks very much, Julius Rosen-bong.
You're dead to me.
Still think you're besties? [Gasping.]
Ooh.
Oh, you were so brave.
And in your condition.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sonja.
I just have one more matter I need to attend to.
What the fuck's going on out here? -Oh, same old, same old.
-Same old, same old.
-Nothing, really.
-Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, thanks.
She's not a bad kid.
How goes the mild ride on the teacups with Mr.
Adequate? Is it meeting your lowered expectations? I talked with the commanding officer.
If we can't sweep this thing under the rug, we can certainly cut her a deal.
Make sure she isn't tried as an adult.
Thank you, Chester.
You're always there for me.
Yeah, well, I gotta get home.
My fuckin' nuts are killing me.
I know what you mean, brother.
Wait a minute.
I don't.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
I'll, um -- I'll tell you later.
LARRY: Are you kidding me? Richard, have you learned nothing from today? Tell me what.
Richard has syphilis.
Yeah, you probably want to see your doctor.
Wait a minute.
Why would she have to see her doctor, if you two have never slept together? Chester! Last name on the list, Richard.
We -- We did the right thing.
[Clears throat.]
Great.
FITZ: Paranoid? That's bullshit.
Richard Fitzpatrick doesn't have any reason to be paranoid.
[Gunshot.]