Call Your Mother (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

1
- Oh, boy.
- Is it ruined?
As an oven, yes, but you now
have extra closet space.
- Oh.
- Oh!
I'm so sorry.
I thought I was using oven
cleaner, but it was spray paint.
I couldn't read the label
because the words are so small,
and it has paint on it.
In hindsight,
that should've been a clue.
Jean, why don't you just
wear your glasses?
Because they look like this.
- I think they look cute on you.
- Do you?
- Mm.
- Then you're the one who needs glasses.
Actually, I don't. My vision is 20/15
Shut up, Danny which
is even better than 20/20.
Nobody likes an eye bragger.
Good morning, Mom.
Good morning, ass-I-assume-is-Danny.
- Hi.
- Hey, sweetie.
- What a nice surprise.
- Yeah, I was nearby.
- I thought I'd get us some coffee.
- Mm.
Even got your favorite
a grandé Frappuccino
that I insist on calling a "medium"
'cause I know "grandé" makes you mad.
Yeah, because the word "grandé"
literally means "large,"
but it's their medium.
Why aren't people talking about this?
Because quarantine's over.
We're living our lives again.
Nothing for me?
I d Uh, we
I guess you could split mine.
That's okay.
I'm pretty wired from
the baked paint fumes already.
I should get some fresh air.
My tongue is numb, and I, um
I'm starting to taste metal.
Oh, God. Sorry again.
Eh, no.
So, you just came over out of the blue
to bring your mom some coffee?
- That's so incredibly sweet.
- I need your help.
Yeah, that sounds more normal.
So, what's the problem?
Financial, occupational, or personal?
- Personal.
- Oh, good.
Because I'm not great with money.
Don't worry.
I set aside enough for my
funeral, when the day comes.
I've spared no expense.
Okay, personal. Go.
Okay, uh, I proposed to Celia
three months ago,
and I still haven't found
the right ring.
And I know that she's waiting for one
'cause I looked at her Instagram
this morning,
and she photoshopped a ring
on her finger.
Ooh. So just buy her
whatever ring that was.
Yeah, well, tried that.
Turns out it was J.Lo's.
And I'm no A-Rod.
Mom, I want to give Celia
your engagement ring.
- Oh.
- I think she hinted about it to me.
She said that she'd love
whatever I picked out
but that it needed to be special.
And your ring is special,
so what do you think?
[Chuckles] I don't know.
I-I-I thought you guys would
deal with this after I died.
It's in the "not my problem"
section of the will.
Did you get a diagnosis that
you're not telling me about?
Mom, it would mean a lot to me,
and I know having your blessing
would mean a lot to her, too.
And I just thought since
you don't really wear it
Well, you know, it's not that
I don't want her to have it.
I'm just thinking about Jackie.
What if she wants it?
For what?
She's not really a jewelry girl.
Or a sentiment girl.
Or an engagement-in-our-lifetime girl.
Well, we don't know that.
Jackie's been putting herself
back out there again.
Mom, it's Jackie.
She puts herself out there, and
they just keep sending her back.
- We don't say that out loud.
- Okay.
Look, do me a favor.
You talk to Jackie about it.
And if she's okay with it,
I'm okay with it.
You can give my ring to Celia.
Thank you, Mom.
Wow. Celia's gonna have my ring.
That just landed.
Every time you look at it,
you'll think of me.
Okay, I'm back on board.
Just do me a favor
and clear it with Jackie.
Okay, yeah, I'll call her.
But I'll wait.
She won't be up yet.
She has no reason to get out
of bed in the morning.
No, we don't say that out loud.
Jean?
Freddie just asked me
for my engagement ring
to give to Celia.
It felt kind of weird,
but now that I think about it,
it's beautiful.
The perfect symbol of everlasting love.
Jean, I just got an e-mail.
My divorce is final.
Oh.
That's some grandé news.
♪♪
I just can't believe they tell
you you're divorced over e-mail.
Feels like a divorce should be
more formal, doesn't it?
Like a town crier or something.
Do they still have those?
Probably in England.
You know, someone announces
a royal baby, it's a town crier.
Or like on TV when they send
those two cops to your house
to report a death.
Do they do that in real life?
That's a terrible job.
Am I still talking?
- Yes.
- [Sighs]
I'm sorry. I I thought
I'd be relieved.
You know, this was supposed to
mean the end of lawyers
and asset disputes and mind games.
But it doesn't feel like that.
It just feels like
the end of my marriage.
I get it.
No matter how much you prepare,
it's still a really big deal
to see your divorce become official.
I-It's gonna take some time to process.
Okay.
Okay, I'm done processing.
Do you want to go on a date
with me tonight?
Really? Are you sure you don't
want to take the day?
Well, you're being so great
and understanding.
It only confirms what I already know
I'm ready.
Wow. Okay.
- Uh, it's really happening.
- Yeah.
Our first date. Tonight's the night!
- Ho-ho!
- Well, not the night.
I don't do that on a first date
anymore, probably.
Okay. But just so you know, I do.
In case you change your mind,
or whatever.
Okay, so I'll, uh, pick you up at 8:00.
8:00?
What is this? New Year's Eve?
If you want me awake
the whole time, 6:30.
See you at 6:30.
Oh, uh, what about my oven?
We're dating. We're not married.
I'll get to it.
That sounded pretty married.
♪♪
Job search going well?
Oh, it's going great.
Just got promoted to senior vice
president of cookie stacking.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighborhood.
Figured I'd stop by.
I was on my way to Out of the Closet
to donate these old Hess trucks
that Nanny and Pop used to get me.
Hess trucks? You're getting rid of them?
Yeah. Since Celia moved in,
I've been told I don't have the space.
[Scoffs] You know, I always
wanted one of these.
- Did you?
- Oh, my God.
I wanted them desperately.
But Pop said they weren't
for girls, so every Christmas,
you got a super-cool truck,
and I got another American Girl
doll accessory.
A child just doesn't need that many
historically accurate pea coats.
[Chuckles]
You know, when you think about
it, it seems kind of sexist.
Yeah. I don't even think
you need to think about it.
You know, that kind of
internalized misogyny
can really limit a girl's choices.
Hm. Wait. Do you think that's
maybe why your life is so,
well, limited?
Oh, my God.
This makes total sense. Yes.
The only career options presented to me
were tending a victory garden
or becoming a school marm.
- [Chuckles]
- If I had these trucks,
my life would be completely different.
I don't suppose it would do you any good
for me to give them to you now?
Wait. Are you serious?
You'd actually give them to me?
- For keeps?
- Yeah.
Jackie, if the trucks make you
happy, that makes me happy.
And that's what siblings do, right?
Not usually, but sure. Thanks, Freddie.
Yeah.
Oh, and, Jackie, one more thing.
Uh, I wanted to give Mom's
engagement ring to Celia.
Is that cool with you?
Why are you asking me?
It's Mom's ring. [Gasps]
Look! The fire truck has a ladder.
[Chuckles]
Mom wanted me to get your okay.
She probably assumed you wanted it
because you're a girl,
and girls like jewelry.
[Chuckles] Wow. My own mother.
You never had a chance.
So you're cool if
I give the ring to Celia?
Yeah. What do I need a stupid ring for?
I don't even have a stupid boyfriend.
Boys are stupid.
Yeah. Boys are stupid.
♪♪
How's this for a first-date look?
Oh, perfect.
The dress says, "I'm too good for you,"
but that little bit of bra
poking out says,
"I'm not going to make this hard."
Oh. I'm not even nervous.
I'm excited.
I know. We're all excited.
I got a little group text going
on with 10 ladies back in Iowa
waiting for updates
and maybe a small wager.
I got 20 bucks on him
touching your boobs,
so if you could help me out
Sharon, I wish you hadn't told everyone.
Kathy Cutuli's on it, right?
If I have to read
her braggy Christmas newsletter,
I want her to know I'm getting
kissed by a hot Australian.
Yeah, she's on there.
But I also texted her a pic
of Danny in a V-neck
just to twist the knife.
Oh, you're such a good friend.
I know.
Now, go out there and have fun.
[Chuckles]
- Oh!
- Oh.
- I thought we'd meet out in the
- Well, I was
- I was ready, so I thought
- Sure.
It's going great so far.
♪♪
I have had the worst day.
Can we watch a vacation episode
of "The Real Housewives"?
Getting mad at Ramona's
sleeping arrangements
always makes me feel better.
Oh, a new flavor of breakdown.
Okay, you're fun to live with.
I made the best trade with Freddie.
Beep, beep. [Chuckles]
I bet you did.
Starting today, my life is gonna
be totally different.
Okay, take it back for me.
- Freddie gave you these?
- Yes. To keep.
And all I had to do
was say he could give
my mom's engagement ring to Celia.
[Chuckles] What a sucker.
I've wanted these trucks my whole life.
- Why?
- Because Freddie had them and I didn't.
Okay, it sounds dumb,
but if I had these trucks
when I was little,
everything would be different.
Why?
Because feminism.
[Scoffs] Freddie explained it better.
I'll bet he did.
You know, he's been trying to
find Celia a ring for months.
He must've wanted your mom's ring bad.
And he knew exactly how to get it.
- Wait. Are you saying he tricked me?
- Yeah, he did.
That ring was rightfully yours,
and he stole it from you
and left you with a bunch
of dumb trucks.
Okay, well, my trucks aren't dumb.
[Chuckles]
But what do I need
an engagement ring for?
I don't even have a boyfriend.
What about Nick?
We've only been on a couple dates,
and, yeah, I guess
he hasn't ghosted me yet.
- Ugh, Jackie, that was sad.
- Yeah.
Well, whatever happens with Nick,
you don't need a man
to put a ring on your finger.
- I don't?
- No.
You can put a ring
on your own damn finger.
You go to Freddie
and get your ring back.
You're not gonna let another man
take what's rightfully yours.
It's time to stop the patriarchy.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't I think of that?
I'll tell you why.
It's because I'm a misogynist.
[Scoffs]
I'm gonna get that ring back for myself.
And for all women.
Well, except Celia.
Most women.
Most Most women.
♪♪
[Scoffs] Did Luann honestly think
that she could text
a half-ass apology to Carole
and everything would be fine?
[Chuckles] We all saw the tweets.
Did I see the tweets?
You need to focus.
- [Cellphone rings]
- [Sighs]
[Ringing stops]
- [Ringing resumes]
- [Sighs]
If you don't answer,
you know your mom's
just gonna keep calling.
It's not my mom.
It's probably just a telemarketer.
When are they gonna learn
no one's taking a cruise again?
- I'll get rid of them.
- Okay. I'll be sure to pause it
if anyone doesn't invite
anyone to brunch.
[Chuckles]
Yes?
I want that ring, you tricky bastard.
You can't just change your mind, Jackie.
A deal's a deal.
- That's not fair.
- Yeah?
Well, it also wasn't fair
when you tricked me
into trading bedrooms when you knew
you knew that yours was haunted.
That ghost did things to me, Jackie.
She peed in my bed.
Nobody believed you then,
and nobody believes you now.
I'm getting that ring.
- Mom said I could have it.
- Tough.
I'm going to Mom's right now,
and once I have it,
you will never see it again.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, I'm gonna
give that ring to Celia tonight,
and once it's on her finger,
good luck getting it back.
You're gonna have to pry it off
her cold, dead hand.
- Why does she have to be dead?
- You know what I mean.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna get there first,
and once I have that ring,
I swear to God
I'll swallow it if I have to.
And then you'll have to pry it
out of my cold, dead stomach.
Why do you have to be dead?
Celia, Celia, turn off your thing.
- We have to go to my mom's.
- Aah!
O-Okay. Go to your mom's.
No. You're coming with me.
Why? It's our night off from your mom's.
Don't ask any questions, okay?
It's a surprise.
A surprise at your mom's? Oh, God.
If you guys choreographed
another dance together,
- I'm leaving you.
- No.
I deleted TikTok.
But that was a good dance.
Though, in hindsight,
a terrible birthday present.
♪♪
- Thank you.
- [Chuckles]
- Mm.
- [Sighs]
I think we might be pretty good
at this dating thing.
Yeah. If it keeps going this well,
Sharon might be up 20 bucks.
- What?
- Good bread.
Yeah.
- H-How are you feeling about things?
- Aw, I feel good.
I mean, the marriage was over
long before that e-mail.
- Mm.
- You know, it occurred to me,
if it wasn't for me getting divorced,
I wouldn't have been renting out
that guesthouse,
you wouldn't have stayed there,
we never would've met.
I mean, at the risk
of sounding too L.A.,
it all feels like fate.
- I like that.
- Me, too.
Want to keep the celebration going.
- Does a bottle of champagne sound good?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Uh, make sure to keep the cork.
- Why?
- Because we want to remember this day.
I'll also put this fork in my purse.
That's right.
It's our first date-iversary.
I'll make sure to put the date
in my phone so we don't forget.
Just wear your glasses, Jean.
No, I want to look sexy
on our first date.
Okay, fine.
Excuse me, a bottle of
champagne, please.
It's our first date-iversary.
Absolutely. Just be clear,
we don't do free desserts
for made-up celebrations.
Okay, what if I call it an anniversary?
Then I'm legally obligated to
bring you a brownie sundae.
Great. Two spoons, please.
Sorry. I don't know why I winked then.
- What's wrong?
- Today's the 21st.
It is? Oh, no.
I was supposed to give Ripper
his flea treatment.
Do you mind sharing
our first date-iversary
with Ripper's flea-medication reminder?
Not if you don't mind sharing it
with my wedding anniversary.
- What?
- Today's my wedding anniversary.
With Mike.
Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪
Happy anniversary,
haaappy anniversary ♪
Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪
Happy anniversary,
haaappy anniversary ♪
Happy anniversary, happy anniversary ♪
How could I have forgotten
my own anniversary?
I can tell you the date
Freddie first ate asparagus,
but one night whoring around
with another man,
and I forget my own wedding anniversary?
You're not exactly whoring around, Jean.
It was our first date.
Although, I was looking forward
to whoring around with you.
Danny, I stole my wedding anniversary
and gave it away
to some Australian bloke
who uses different slang than I do
and then looks at me like that
when I try to use it back.
That's normally 'cause
you use it incorrectly,
but you know what?
You nailed it that time.
Jean, I know how you must be feeling.
I'm sorry. I-I just
I don't think I can
talk about this right now.
I'll give you some space.
- Hey, Mom.
- Mom.
- Mom.
- Mom, Mom, stop.
Mom, Mom, Mom.
You said I could have it
if she said I could have it.
She said I could have it,
but now she says
that she's gonna eat it.
Use nouns, Freddie.
Mom, Freddie tricked me.
He made me think men were the problem,
- but really it's just him.
- [Scoffs]
Okay, guys, I can't deal
with this right now.
No, Mom, Mom, Mom, just
just tell Jackie
that I get to have the ring
to give to Celia.
Wait. Celia, me Celia?
He can't have the ring
because I want it now.
Thatagirl, Jackie.
You're your own soul mate.
Uh, sorry, can we go back to
the thing about Celia?
I'm sorry. I was gonna do a whole thing
and present you with
my mom's engagement ring,
but Jackie ruined it.
Only because you tricked me.
You fell for it!
Okay, my life is in shambles.
I fall for a lot of things.
Here.
You can have your trucks,
I get to keep my ring,
- and we're even.
- The hell we are!
- Take your trucks.
- Stop.
- You can't make me take them.
- [Gasps]
- No touchies, no takesies.
- They're worthless if
You guys, enough. It doesn't matter.
I've decided to keep the ring.
Okay, wait, so everybody's
had all these conversations
about me and my ring
and left me out of it?
Freddie, I don't want
your mother's ring.
No offense, Jean.
But you said you wanted
something special.
You also said you'd love
whatever I picked out for you.
Yeah, that's just something you say,
like, "Let's not do gifts this year,"
or, "It happens to everyone,"
or, "You can do me next time."
[Chuckles] I hear that one a lot.
But they never do you next time.
I've already picked out the ring I want.
You have?
Freddie, I picked out the ring
before I picked out the guy.
Do any of you even know me? I'm Celia.
Well, if you want to get real,
it's actually "Say-lia."
Really?
Okay, I didn't know that,
but it seems way worse
that Freddie didn't.
Okay, look, you guys, enough.
I-I-I can't handle this right now.
I-I'm not giving up the ring
because I just realized
it's mine and your dad's
wedding anniversary today,
and I almost gave it away.
So I-I'm not giving up the ring, too.
I'm sorry.
Happy anniversary.
It's from both of us.
They're yours now.
Now I don't want them or the ring
because you don't want them.
Girl, you are a mess.
♪♪
Oh, hey, girl. You're back home early.
Did he touch 'em?
What?
Your ta-tas. Did he touch 'em?
No! He didn't touch anything.
- It was a disaster.
- Ugh.
He didn't touch 'em.
Yeah, I'll find out.
I'll call you later.
Oh. What happened?
Was he rude to the waiter?
A bad tipper?
Was it that thing
where you want something,
then you finally get it,
then you realize
you don't want it anymore, then you know
you're gonna want it again
if someone else gets it?
No!
Today's my wedding anniversary.
Oh, that.
I know.
What do you mean you know?
Well, I didn't realize it until
after you left for your date,
and I thought to myself,
"She is whoring around
on her anniversary.
That's cold."
Then I realized,
"Oh, she must've forgot."
Then I got a little drunk, and I forgot.
Then I remembered again,
and I was happy.
Happy I forgot Mike?
Oh, girl, please,
you didn't forget Mike.
You forgot the date.
I've never forgotten our anniversary,
at least not until tonight.
What does that mean?
It means you're in a good place.
Jean, I wasn't happy because you forgot.
I was happy because
you're not stuck in the past,
because you're finally
getting to move forward.
This feels weird.
I never thought I'd be here.
And I definitely didn't think
I'd fall for anyone again.
Jean, you've worked for years
to get to this place.
Mike wouldn't want you fretting
over a date on the calendar.
You waited long enough.
You're allowed to enjoy your life.
And your Danny.
I think I might've ruined it.
Well, you go out there and you fix it.
And you don't come back
until it's fixed.
And until you got more wine.
[Both chuckle]
And some jalapeño poppers.
And some of those truffle French fries.
- Yeah.
- And maybe a chicken quesadilla.
You ain't got no food in this place.
[Sighs]
- Hey.
- Hi. You okay?
I am. I'm sorry.
Everything just kind of
took me by surprise,
and I needed to work through some stuff.
I didn't mean to leave you like that.
It's okay. I completely understand.
But you do know that today
definitely cannot be
our first anniversary.
Of course not.
But in an hour-and-a-half,
it'll be tomorrow.
Oh.
- I'm good tomorrow.
- Great.
♪♪
And even though he liked the asparagus
when he first tasted it,
he wouldn't touch the Brussels sprouts.
- It's midnight.
- Let's do this.
Actually, wait. Ripper, privacy.
[Snaps]
Okay, now let's do this.
[Sighs]
Mm.
Oh, crap. Today's the 22nd.
I think today's the day
Cheryl and I met.
What?!
Kidding.
- Wow!
- Wow!
I know, right?
And look what happens when I move it.
- Whoa! Okay.
- Ooh, so shiny.
It's even better in natural light.
- Ooh, I want to see.
- Okay, but we need to be careful.
This morning, I accidentally
blinded a guy on his bicycle.
[Sighs] Congrats.
The ring is totally perfect,
and Celia seems really happy.
Yeah, she is.
And only 142 more payments,
and the ring will be ours.
- Oh, about the trucks
- No, no, no, no.
We said no take-backs.
That crap is yours.
Okay, I just wanted to make sure
'cause I got pretty good money for them.
After all that, you sold the trucks?
Yeah, once you didn't want them,
I didn't want them anymore,
so I figured I might as well.
What do you want, Jackie?
Don't get mad, but
now I kind of want Celia.
Did she say anything about me?
Celia, we're leaving.