Carpoolers (2007) s01e11 Episode Script

my milkshake gets all the guys to the yard and they're like, "it's better than yours" and they're like, "it's better than yours" I'm-aeach you, but m goin' to charge, my milkshake hey, who is this? they are really good.
oh, it's my daughter shawna, I recorded it myself.
really? You mean they don't sell this in stores? No, not yet, but you never know, you know? Shawna's teacher says with enough practice, she might be a prodigy.
i she might be, right.
i mean she's amazing for a 6 year old.
Well, she's 12.
wow, Still, thou you know, I'd-I'd like to see her play sometime.
well.
look, i know this isn't a carpool thing, but um, shawna does have a recital this sunday.
Hey, we should all go.
- ow! Who-who just pinched me? - i don't know, you know I don't want to impose on you guys.
No, no, no, it's not imposing.
we're all buddies here.
- Come on, stop doing that.
- hey,now.
Listen, i for one would love to go, but i can't because I'm prepping for that 10k.
Well, I'm sure the recital's at night, right? - Oh, it is.
after dark.
- oh yeah.
i wish that i could go, but i have this uh, dentist thing that's out of town.
oh, no, no, no.
That's next week.
Well, good.
we'll all go.
Oh, man, shawna'gonna be super excited we're all there.
I gotta tell you guys, though, to be honest, she'not this good live.
Not yet, at least.
and they want my milkshake cause it tastes so good to you L.
Holcomb DDS thanks for the free checkup, laird.
that's okay, dougie, You're the new guy inhe cpool.
I need to look out for ya.
i should probably warn you, i've had this totally irrational fear of dentists since I was a small child, so what are you-why-ow! ow! Stop! What-why are you doing that? To teach you.
what ijust did to your face is what you tried to do to our carpool.
- It is? - "it is"? Come on, that really hurts! shut up, new guy, and listen.
What we have in our carpool is special.
in fact, it's something men spend their entire lives searching for- the intimacy of a family without any of the responsibility.
we're like a woman whowill sleep with you twice a day but never expects you to call.
And now you want to ruin that? Laird, it's - it's just a recital.
Today, maybe.
But let me explain where this is going.
Hey, laird, thanks for taking care of gepetto while we're in hawaii.
hey, you want to help us fix our sewer? i got pizza.
Thanks for the flowers, guys, but what I could really use is a kidney.
aubrey needs a new kidney? No.
i'm just saying it's a slippery slope doing things outside the car.
Well, we're not just carpool friends.
We're friends friends.
Have you even ever been to a children's musical recital? that's it I'm gonna have to use the noisy thing.
no, no! please! please! Well, then fix this.
- Fix it today.
- it's being fixed right now.
Hey, hey, hey! Yeah, yeah come on! hey! I'm lovin' this new sports watch.
it is tracki my heart rate, which is up there but it gives me distance, pace, calories.
i got a gps, In case I get lost.
- You and your gadgets.
- well, this little gadget here is gonna help me whup your sweet fanny on saturday at the big 10k.
gracen, you get this way every year.
I mean, it's not a competition.
it's for charity.
Sides, ion't even remember who beat who last year.
- You won by 3 seconds.
- 12 Father, maybe I'll make a pledge for your run.
That's the spirit, marmaduke.
I'm actually gonna pledge something even more valuable than money.
I'm gonna pledge my expertise as a visualization coach.
Visualization.
- oh So sweet.
- that's not - Maybe that's not, you know- - don't you worry.
i am a great visualization coach, and under pledge amount, I am going to write "infinity"! So sweet.
i like that.
Infinity.
whoo hello? oh no, That's terrible.
91, but still a funeral this sunday evening? But we have plans.
You couldn't push it back? - Did you guys hear that? - just bits and pieces sounds serious.
fill us in, what happened? Thank you for asking, gracen.
Seems our poor friend joe mc sparkletts, uh, passed away.
- oh man, - That's awful.
- That's-oh, my goodness.
- awful.
I've never heard of him.
who is he? Uh, he used to cut our hair.
gracen, laird and i were very close with him, and his funeral is the same time as your recital.
That's rough.
boy.
Why have you never mentioned this guy before? Cist.
He was a little bit racist, and we were ashamed to go to him.
- Loved the haircut, hated the racism.
- hate the racism.
Okay, so you'd rather go to a racist's funeral than my daughter's recital? what's going on here? No, laird, no! I'll tell you what's going on, aubrey.
we will not be attending your daughter's recital, nor any other mind-numbing display of tot talent.
- that's not how this carpool rolls.
- all right, laird, relax,okay? Every now and then you gotta do something you don't want to do.
yeah, How can supporting a young musician be bad? You see what I gotta work with here? talk tohim.
I'm not gonna get in the middle.
i'm not gonna clean up your messes.
"Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.
" That's my word.
you cant use my words.
All right, calm down.
you, i like, you are my best friend.
You're welcome, but, lord, no carpool outings, please! I didn't know you felt that way.
if that's the way you feel, you might as well tell her yourself.
- hello - hi honey.
You remember the tall, hunky white guy-uncle laird? Uncle laird? Yeah, he's got something to say to you.
Hi, uncle laird! hey, shawna, how's it going? - you're dead.
you're dead! - stop it stop it! encore! can everyone else hear this? I can't tell anymore if it's on the stereo or just in my head.
i know, It's catchy, right? Well, now you can listen anytime you want.
bam! - what's this? - It's a live bootleg.
- don't turn me in.
- oh no, we won't Can we? Hi, guys! - she was so good last night.
- really? Yeah, I think "high school musical 3" is- - hey, cin - Hey, laird.
- Beautiful dress.
- thank you, i made it.
Listen, uh, I tried the best I could, okay? Well, you screwed up, and now it's gonna spread.
mark my words Well, I think you're overreacting a little.
oh my gosh, I heard that the recital was wonderful.
you know it, Listening to it right now.
- We should do more stuff like that, you know? - we should Hey, didn't you guys say that you were having a party for your son? - Oh, no, no.
- yes! Oh, my gosh, will you come? please please com! please come! Of course, yes, we'll a come.
You promise? - Of course I promise.
- Reggie guess who's coming to your party? all the guys, gracen and,laird and, dougie and aubrey! h, how's your book, marm? I'm almost finished with it.
thank you for providing it, and thank you for suggesting that I coach father.
- Don't mention it.
- i won't - I'll visualize it.
- right.
Also, I was thinking, t's not tell your dad I had anything to do with this.
You know what a proud, stubborn, competitive man he can be.
yes, it's actually his greatest asset as a runner- that and his tiny, deer-like feet.
You know, visualization is a very exciting tool.
In fact, I can hardly visualize my future without visualizing- - visualizing help me - Whoa! all right.
great.
Why don't I train you? Oh, nohoney.
This is strictly a father/son thing.
You should just focus on him.
I like it.
okay, now give it everything you've got.
That's it.
run hard using your legs.
okay, Do you see that in the distance? visualize it.
It's the finish line.
You're approaching it, and you shaved two minutes off your imaginary time.
that's weird.
My heart is racing, and I'm sitting still.
your body is still, your mind has run to the ocean.
yeah, son, I don't know.
rest now.
I'm gonna go log your time.
- Hey! - hey! - How's your training coming? - great, are you kidding me? In fact, take a look at this.
- Why are you doing that? - i'm just shwoing you my butt.
That's all you're gonna see on race day.
- Really? - yeah, really oh reggie look at this! I hope he likes his drippy bib.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
he's a big dripper.
- big dripper.
- You like it, don't you, reggie? uh-oh.
Reggie doesn't like it.
He loves it! yay! You fooled us again.
what fun! okay, okay, who wants to lead the kids? - Oh, uncle laird is a great dancer.
- no, no - Laird, no, do the chicken dance to reggie.
- i couldn't i couldn't yeah, come on, laird! Come on! aw! come on! Let it go.
Don't be a drag, all right? Who wants to see uncle laird dance? We do! dance! dance! dance! dance! shawna, hit it! Dance, dance, dance, dance okay.
thank you, laird.
Thank you for making this reggie's best 1/2 birthday yet.
His only 1/2 birthday yet! you look so stupid.
everybody laugh at laird! is this normal? I'd have to say it is not.
Well, it's probably a good idea, because I have fallen out before.
did you know that the average carpool breaks up after 18 months? We've been together over four years.
This has been the longest relationship of my life, and do you want to know why? - Boundaries - I believe in boundaries.
And yet, you make us go to your daughter's recital and to a birthday party.
And now you're going to pay.
and open.
Laird, what are you gonna do? are you gonna pull out all my teeth? No, just your favorites.
Okey-dokey.
ha ha! i knew it! I knew you couldn't do it.
You want to know why, laird? - Because we're friends.
- oh, stop it! just stope it! Laird, after all these years, shouldn't we be there for each other, you know.
.
like dolphins or firemen? Okay.
Have it your way.
hey, laird, I got here as quick as I could.
what's the emergency? - Got a bit of a situation.
- i'm here for you, man.
Do you see that woman over there? yeah.
- I need you to take her out.
- i want me to kill her? No, I just want you to get her out of my house.
Well, how did she get in your house? Is everything okay, laird? You bet, babe, perfect.
just perfect.
anywho, they are in town looking at retirement homes, and I need you to keep nana company so the rest of us can stay here and have sex.
You said this was a matter of life or death.
it is, If I don't sleep with that girl, it's gonna kill me.
well, how long am I suppos to keep the old one company? i don't know, How long was that piano recital? Two hours.
Two urs, then.
She mentioned something about wanting to play strip bingo.
Nana, this is my friend aubrey.
he's gonna take you for a walk or to the mall or to the movies or something.
right his way.
don't mention global warming.
- It's a lie! - i know, it is.
he's gonna talk to you about that, okay? bye guys, See you later.
bye wait! - We need her medicine.
- my memdicine laird! laird! father, what are you doing? Uh, hey, marm.
Startled me a bit.
Uh, I'm just gonna go out for a run.
It looks as though you're about to go for a run.
Yeah, son.
listen - don't get me wrong.
I - I understand the whole visualization thing.
I get it.
it's just that when preparing for a run, shouldn't one, in fact, at some point run? That's not what mother had in mind.
come again? You want to run that by me one more time? Yeah.
she gave me a book on visualizations, and she said it would be less wear and tear on yourickety old body.
- so that's her game.
- it wasn't a game.
- it was a book.
- No, son.
No,he book is part of the game.
i don't understand.
the only thing you need to understand is that your mother is a very diabolical woman.
odd, That's what she said about you.
Who do I trust? I choose you.
Gracen, have you seen my other running shoe? I can't find it anywhere! oh no! You must be freaking out! the 10k starts in less than an hour! I am! Hey, you know what? try this! Why don't you try visualizing a shoe? 'Cause that works.
that's fun! You took my other shoe, didn't you? That is an outrageous accusation.
come on Give it to me.
where is it? What difference does it make? It's not a real race.
it's for charity - How dare you.
- how dare you You've been plotting this since last tuesday.
yeah, i gotta tell you something.
I am equally sickened and aroused by this side of you.
- What about this side? - aroused, just aroused.
Well, say good-bye to it, just like last year.
You only won because I tripped! And it was under very suspicious circumstances.
I was jockeying for position.
you gonna get that? - Or are you afraid I'll trip ya? - oh please.
can't believe i fell for that! hello? Oh, hi, dougie.
he's on the floor gracen, we need your mediation skills.
- there are going to be events - why do you always get to talk? - That I will have absolutely no interest in.
- i have things to say, too.
- I have things to say, too.
- and nothing- nothing will convince me otherwise We have rules here! we have rules here! gentlemen, enough, okay? listen, i've got a run ,literally, so let's- let's be organized here.
Okay, my wife found this shawl in my car.
You dog! was she good? i bet she was grateful What is your problem? Certain people are forgetting what makes this carpool special.
All right, there's something to hook into.
we're special.
Oh, come on.
laird thinks we're just like those women he sleeps with who he never calls ever again.
- yeah, like his skanks.
- no - Or his toilet paper.
- no, no we're not his skanks or his toilet paper, okay? We're-we're friends.
we are all friends.
Are we? if one of us died, would the rest of us come to the funeral? i don't know.
Would aubrey's daughter be playing the piano? What are you doing? I assumed someone would stop me.
Come on, champ.
take youru best shot.
come on! - right there.
let's go, come on! - this is my fault, just hit me this is not helping.
stop it, stop it! You guys are making me dizzy.
- dude, you're really sweaty.
- of course i'm sweaty.
Wait, no.
why am i sweaty? what is that? i've never done that.
What does a flashing red heart with a slash through it mean? I don't know.
i don't know.
- You gotta calm down, gracen.
just calm down.
- i'm calm, i'm calm It says his heart rate is 220.
- That's not good.
- that's high.
You can die from that, actually.
- Breathe.
- you need to realx.
You need to calm your heart down, gracen.
- Just calm it down.
- chill out.
- Do you feel any tingling in the arm? - i do - I feel pressure on my heart.
- you need to keep the pressure on it, right? - I'm getting a phone call.
- hello, is this an emergency? Yes, yes, it's an emergency! plese send help! 2918 mountainview terrace, right now! Our friend is dying! - He's dying! - breathe! - Just breathe.
- i'm not dying! My heart rate is very high, but I'm not dying! Trying to break my neck, too? - i need to be in there with him i'm a type of doctor.
- What type? - help this man! Help him! oh! - Aubrey! - man down! It'll be okay.
it's all right,it's okay, it's okay Just hang in there.
Gracen, just keep drinking.
Just-ohh! ah! no! - ah no! - i'm okay!  Father, I want you to visualize yourself not dying.
do it.
He's gonna be fine.
The E.
K.
G showed it wasn't a heart attack.
areyou sure? Because his watch said he was having a heart attack.
Well, I suppose we could ask his blackberry for a third opinion.
So he's gonna be okay? He may have had a panic attack, but that would have been caused by the watch.
I concur.
Dentist, right? This man needs a bib.
stat.
That's from a mild sedative.
When it wears off, he can go home.
I'm so sorry, guys.
There's probably a million ways you would have rather spent your saturday afternoon, right? It's okay, buddy.
yeah, no, it's fun.
Never been in an ambulance before.
Those men are heroes.
they let me play their radio.
Sorry we got you all wound up.
Yeah, and I didn't help by unleashing my fiery temper.
Friends fight.
Oh, is-is that what we are, laird? friends? We're all here, aren't we? I knew it.
come one guys.
All right, we're not girlfriends.
Gracen, how are you feeling? I'm good.
i'm good.
Leila, the staff and i have compared notes, and we've come to the conclusion that gracen is going to be fine.
Yes, I spoke to the doctor.
I'm sorry I got so weird abouthe race.
I'm sorry I threw your shoe up on the roof.
Were you scared? i was scared, I was afraid I wouldn't see my family again.
- I love you- - rest now, father.
You're speaking gibberish, and it's unsettling to everybody.
Okay, I'm gonna have to ask everyone to leave.
My patient needs to sleep.
why are you wearing a doctor's coat? It was chilly.
I'm gonna go haveyself paged.
here's the deal.
I don't ever want to mediate another carpool dispute again.
- Yeah, man, 'cause you screwed it up.
- yeah.
All right, here's what we need.
We need a clear set of rules to make sure that nobody ever crosses the line again.
Well, I thought now that we're friend friends, there are no lines.
The first rule should be dougie should have to shut it.
okay, that's crossing the line.
that's crossing the line.
- Is it? - yeah.
- Will you mediate this? please? - what did i just say? okay, okay.
what if my daughter was selling magazine subscriptions so that her school could get vaccinations? Gotta say no on the daughter thg - anything with the daughter.
What if I have relations with a woman and forgot her name? - Would you guys find it out for me? - we'd do it anyway.
Okay, what if I need mouth-to-mouth because I'm choking on a sardine sandwich? Here's one rule-if it sounds ridiculous, it probably is.
And if we get into a fight, we can just do this.
and if anyone does cross the line, they have to listen to aubrey's daughter play the piano.
- That's it! - no, no, no!