Code Monkeys (2007) s01e11 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Black Steve: This game is called
"Die, Die, Meter Maid."
In it, I kill the meter maid who
gave me a ticket
for parking in the red zone.
How do you like that,
you meter ho?
Larrity: Dang it, Black Steve!
How many times I gots to tell
you not to shoot the TV?
I ain't made of money,
even if my chair is.
That's a pretty cool chair, huh?
Now, who's next?
Jerry: It's our turn, dude.
Dave: Ah, stop it. Jiggle it.
Jerry: OK, my game is called
"Space Assassins."
You're an interplanetary
mercenary sent to kill
the Martian leader when--
Larrity: I love it, Jerry!
Jerry: If you just give it
a chance, I think
"Space Assassins" could be
a hit.
Larrity: Clean out your ears,
boy! I said yes.
Jerry: Sorry. It's just that
you usually say no.
Larrity: Look, son, I don't got
time for your low self-esteem
Maybe your mama didn't hug you
enough,
or maybe she hugged you
too much.
That ain't none of my business.
Jerry: Actually, my mom died
when I was 11.
Larrity: Don't care.
Dean: I know how you feel, bro.
A lot of my moms are dead, too.
Larrity: You got 3 days to
finish the game, Jerry.
It's a damn good idea.
I'm proud of you.
Jerry: Wow. That means so much
to me, Mister--
Todd: Visigoth invasion!
Take cover.
Larrity: Well, I'll be
a Tijuana whore.
Looks like we got ourselves
a brick note.
Seems our friends over at
BelleCoVision
have challenged us to a wrassle.
Mary: You have got to be
kidding.
Larrity: This ain't no joke,
sugar britches.
Every company worth its salt has
a team in the All Valley
Wrestling League.
Mary: Right. How come we've
never heard of this before?
Larrity: 'Cause you gots to be
jumped in by another team!
Now, BelleCoVision's giving us
our chance.
And I refuse to lose to a bunch
of queer-o Oklahoma fruit cakes.
Todd: Sir, I have a letter from
my doctor explaining that
my heart is precariously close
to exploding at any moment
and therefore I am prohibited
from doing
exercise of any kind.
Dave: Does spanking it count?
Todd: Hmm, good question.
I've got to make a phone call.
Larrity: Shut it, fatty.
Mandatory tryouts start now.
All right, Romero.
You got 20 seconds.
Romero: I'm telling you, this
game is GameAVision's ticket
to success.
So you've been sent to
Mars, right?
Larrity: Dumb! Everybody knows
Saturn is the best planet.
Romero: Anyway, demons from hell
come to this--
Larrity: The devil don't live in
space, boy.
He lives at the center of
the Earth with Hitler.
Romero, slowly: OK.
It's got 3 episodes.
Larrity: Firing time's up.
Now, cut your damn hair, son.
You look like a gosh-darn
hippie.
Larrity: OK, boys, let's see
what you can do.
Get your wrassle on.
Dean: You're going down,
Clarence.
Clarence: Going down is my
specialty ♪
Dean: Make it stop, Dad.
Ohh. Make it stop.
[Groaning]
Clarence: But we haven't
gotten to the good part ♪
Larrity: Ah! Dog it!
That was pathetic.
Y'all go hit the shower.
Clarence: Let's get wet! ♪
Larrity: Fatty, Black Steve,
you're up.
Dave, Jerry, you're on deck.
Todd: It's just I'm not
well-versed
in the ways of modern combat.
Perhaps we could use
broadswords.
Jerry: Dude, I don't want to
fight you.
Dave: Don't worry, dude.
I've got it all under control.
Just follow my lead.
Larrity: There it goes.
Larrity: Black Steve, you're on
the team, son.
Where'd you learn them killer
moves?
Black Steve: Yo, I'm sorry.
Wrestling's against my religion.
I got to go.
Todd: The hedgehog pose has
once again saved me from
a vicious beating.
Larrity: Dave, Jerry, your turn.
Dave: Yes, sir, Mr. Larrity.
I can't wait. You know, there's
nothing I love more than
a good old-fashioned wrestle--
[Groaning]
Jerry: Oh, no. He's having
a seizure.
I'd better get him to
the hospital.
Larrity: Go on, and put a shoe
in his mouth
so he doesn't bite his
tongue off.
Jerry: Yes, sir.
Dave: What the--
Jerry: It's for your own good,
dude.
Larrity: And just where do you
ladies think you're going?
Mary: We've got work to do.
Larrity: Not so fast.
I gots a special tryout for
you girls. Ha ha.
Into the Jell-O. Chop-chop.
Dave: No. Wait. Jer, my doctor
says that watching hot Jell-O
wrestling is the only cure
for seizures.
Look it up! No! Let me go,
you son of a bitch. Let me go!
Jerry: But, dude, I thought you
didn't want to wrestle.
Dave: That's true, but I do want
to see Wendy covered in Jell-O.
Ohh, it is a dilemma.
Jerry: Let's just get back to
work on "Space Assassins."
Didn't you hear Larrity? He said
he was proud of me.
I don't want to let him down.
Dave: Well, I don't want to let
my wiener down,
so I'm gonna see some more
Jell-O boobs.
So if you'll excuse me.
Get out of my way.
Dave: Hey, Black Steve, uh,
where'd you learn how to
wrestle like that?
Black Steve: I don't want to
talk about it, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, OK.
Black Steve: I paid my way
through Dartmouth doing
underground wrestling matches.
They called me The Black Shadow.
Jerry: Wow. That's really cool.
Black Steve: No, it's not.
I killed a man with these hands.
Today brought back some
bad memories. [Bleep]
Why do I kill?!
Jerry: OK. Uh, well, hey,
I should probably get
going now. Heh.
Larrity: Well, well, well. Look
who's back from the hospital
lickity split.
Dave: Yeah.
Modern medicine is
really amazing.
What did we miss? Were there
boobies?
Tell me if there were boobies.
Please say there were boobies.
Romero: Only the hottest
girl-on-girl action
the world has ever seen.
Dave: Damn it.
Jerry: Ow!
Larrity: Y'all should be
ashamed of yourselves.
Where were y'all fancy holds
and your--hyah--
your signature moves?
And you, that wasn't
the least bit foxy.
I don't know how you can call
yourselves lady wrasslers.
Mary: We don't.
Larrity: Ain't no way I can turn
you losers into a team.
Y'all make me sick.
Dean: Wait.
I can do better, Dad. I promise.
Don't you give up on me, Dad.
Jerry: Well, I'm glad
that's over.
Dave: Ladies, how about one more
Jell-O wrestle
for your old pal Dave?
Romero: Yeah, loser has to give
me a handy.
Dave: Get off my Kool-Aid,
Romero.
Hey, why we haven't we fired
this guy yet?
Mary: You should both be
castrated.
Clare: Yesterday was insane.
I had to shower 6 times to get
all that Jell-O out of my hair.
Mary: Oh, yeah? Well, I had
Jell-O in places
I don't want to mention.
Dave: Oh, please mention them.
Please? Let me guess. I bet you
it was your vagina.
Am I right?
Jerry: What the?
Todd: Excuse me, sir. You are
in my seat! Oof.
[Straining]
Yes, you can sit there
if you'd like.
I think I pooped myself.
Larrity: All right. Listen up,
people.
Black Steve was the only one of
you who had any moves.
And he can't wrassle on account
of being moose-limbed
or some such nonsense.
The rest of y'all were
so pathetic,
I had to go out and hire
some ringers.
Allow me to introduce
GameAVision's new professional
wra--oh, excuse me--I mean
programmers. Heh heh!
See? They got to actually work
on the games
to qualify for the league.
Now, this here's Bulk Brogan.
He's so popular, they got
Underoos with his face
on the heinie.
Dave: Yeah, Jerry owns a pair.
Jerry: I bought those by
mistake.
Larrity: Bulk, you'll be
with Mary.
Now, she's a lady programmer.
I hope you don't mind.
Got boobies in your face. Ha ha!
And this here's Sgt. Murder.
The U.S. Marines trained him to
give an old-fashioned
red, white, and blue
ass-kicking.
Sgt. Murder:
At your service, sir.
Larrity: At ease, soldier.
You're with Fatty.
And then we got
Manly Man Ricky Ravage.
The Manly Man's slam is one of
the most feared moves
of all time.
Manly Man: I'm the manliest man
to ever stand.
Larrity: Manly, you're with
Clarence.
Clarence: Manly men are
my favorite men ♪
Black Steve: Sorry I'm late.
I got another [bleep] ticket.
Sgt. Murder: Oh, my God.
Black Shadow, it's you.
Black Steve: Black Shadow?
That's ridiculous.
Bulk Brogan:
It is The Black Shadow.
I thought he was dead, brothers.
Black Steve: I never heard of
any Black Shadow.
You got the wrong man. This is
a conspiracy. I got to go.
Larrity: Dang it! I just had
that window fixed.
Larrity: Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah, my new hires.
Finally we gots Sergei
the Giant. He's a giant, people.
Now, he don't talk much, but
he's got a Ph.D. in hurting.
Big man, you're
with Dave and Jerry.
Now, let's go make some games
and kick some ass, people.
Yee-ha!
[Jerry groans]
Dave: The Giant is
freaking me out.
Dave: Shut up, man.
I don't want to get eaten.
[Speaking slowly]
Glad to have you on our team.
Jerry is going to fill you in on
our new games.
Jerry: Yeah, our game is called
"Space Assassins."
You shoot stuff and kill
Martians, OK?
Dave: Dude, why couldn't we get
one of the other wrestlers?
I bet everybody's having more
fun than we are.
Mary: My new game teaches girls
that being smart is cool.
Bulk Brogan: The Bulkamaniacs
out there want to know if you
want to go out with Big Bulk
sometime.
Mary: I am so filing a lawsuit
against this company.
Todd: Ah, I see you've found
my Russian broadsword.
She's a beauty.
Sgt. Murder: Russian?
Are you some sort of communist?
Todd: Well, I do enjoy their
iconography,
especially going back--
[Gags]
Sgt. Murder: I'm going to throw
you back to Russia, comrade.
Todd: Whoa! Oh, my back.
Manly Man: I will gut you from
toe to toe.
Stop making love to me with
those [bleep] eyes.
Clarence: I like the rough
stuff, too ♪
Dave: I bet everyone else is
having fun while we have
to sit here and baby-sit
a giant.
Do I look like
a giant baby-sitter, Jerry?
Jerry: No, you look just like
a giant baby.
I just want this game to be
great, Dave.
No one has ever told me they're
proud of me before, OK?
Dave: You know how some people
say, "I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse"?
I bet you could actually do it,
like truly eat a horse.
Am I right? Hey, blink once
if I'm right.
Jerry: Uh, hey, Dave,
I just remember I have
a dentist opponent.
I need you to drive me.
Dave: I'm not your mother.
Jerry: Just give me a ride.
-No.
-Please?
-Can we go to Burger Lord?
-Fine.
Dave: Sit tight, Giant.
We will be right back.
Oh, man. I'm gonna get
3 large fries.
I'm gonna get a bunch of
nuggets, and I'm gonna dip 'em
in a chocolate shake.
But check this out. Here it is.
I'm gonna put nuts in the shake
before I dip the nuggets.
Jerry: Dave, we're not
going for fast food.
Dave: Then I'm not taking you
to the dentist.
Jerry: Damn it, Dave. I don't
have a dentist's appointment.
I just wanted to get you out
here so we could talk
without Mount Sergei
listening in.
Dave: Mount Sergei? That's
an awesome wrestling name.
Jerry: Dave, I need you
to focus.
I need to turn in an awesome
game, and I
don't want Sergei the Giant
to slow us down.
Dave: No, Jer, he's gonna
speed us up.
Jerry: What does that even mean?
Dave: Dude, it means
chicks, Jerry.
Loads and loads of chicks.
And The Giant shall help us
in the most awesome way.
That one, uh, and that one
and that one, yes.
Woman: What the hell, jerk?
Dave: And, no, not that one.
she's too lippy.
-Aah!
Dave: I love you, Giant!
Jerry: What?
Dave: Nothing. Listen,
just think of The Giant as
a piece of furniture.
He's so quiet, you'll forget
he's even here.
Jerry: I guess you're right.
And it could be worse, right?
Sgt. Murder: You call
that a run, fatso?
More like an accelerated walk.
Now, pick up the pace!
Todd: Can't breathe.
[Wheezes]
I have respiratory problems,
you know.
Clare: I like your moustache.
I bet it tickles.
Bulk Brogan: Do you want to find
out, sexy mama?
Clare: How dare you!
I am a lady.
Larrity: All right, ringers.
It's time for me to take a look
at what I paid good money for.
So we gonna have some
practice matches.
Todd: Don't mind me. I
just have to rehydrate
after my fun run.
Larrity: Just the man
I wanted to see.
Benny, if you please.
Benny: Round one--Manly Man
vs. Todd the fat sack of
dog [bleep], who's also gay,
and I hate him, so I hope he die
and his [bleep] pop.
Todd: What? Oh, no.
Larrity: Do the manly man slam!
Do the manly man slam!
Dean: Whoa.
That was awesome, bro.
Benny: Round two--
in this corner, The Ice Wolf,
Sergei the Giant, vs. Todd, who
still smells like dog [bleep],
and I still hope his other
[bleep] pops.
Sergei the Giant: I do not
feel comfortable doing this.
Larrity: Well, I'll be!
This thing actually talks.
Sergei the Giant: This man is
already in a great deal of pain.
Larrity: Shut it, biggie.
Sgt. Murder, why don't you show
this pansy how it's done?
Sgt. Murder: With pleasure.
Sgt. Murder: One nuts 'n' guts
coming right up.
Todd: Uhh, please.
Look into your heart.
Larrity: Oh! Give it a rest.
You're so doughy,
you probably won't even feel it.
Todd: Ooh! My nuts. My guts.
Larrity: Wa-hoo! I could kiss
you wrasslers.
Disco party tonight. A little
pre-celebration before we
crush BelleCoVision.
Drinks are on me.
Dave: This is awesome.
Hey, throw that trash can.
Hey, grab Romero.
Romero: Hey!
Dave: See if you can throw him
to the water cooler.
Aw. Almost!
Hey, bust that wall open.
Mary: What the hell!
Dave: Ahh. Thanks for the ride,
buddy.
Todd: Excuse me, gentlemen.
I was wondering if I could
borrow your giant
for an hour or two.
Dave: Get your own.
Todd: If only it was that easy.
I've been looking for a giant
since I was a small boy.
You may find this hard to
believe, but I did
not have many friends
as a child.
In fact, the other children were
quite mean to me
and called me
a horrible nickname.
And I vowed that one day I would
get a giant
and wreak my terrible revenge.
Now, won't you let me wreak it,
please?
Dave: Hey, Giant, take care of
this for me.
Todd: Oh, my back.
Dave: OK, let's get back
to work.
I decided that the second level
of "Space Assassins" needs
more spaceships when you enter
the first cave.
Dave: Sorry, Jerry.
No time for work.
Larrity promised the wrestlers
a disco party.
They love disco dancing.
Can you believe it?
Jerry: At this rate, we're never
gonna finish the game.
Dave: I feel for you, buddy.
I really do.
But you know what? When
the boss says "Disco party,"
I've gots to comply.
Giddyap, Giant!
[Disco music playing]
Manly Man: You got some good
moves out there.
Clarence: You're not so bad
yourself ♪
Can I buy you a drinkie-poo?
Manly Man: I don't know.
I guess one wouldn't hurt.
Sgt. Murder: Well, I used to be
Lance Corporal Murder,
but I put in my time
and got promoted.
Wendy: Wow. I'm impressed,
Sgt. Murder.
Sgt. Murder: You can just call
me Murder.
Wendy: You're really cool.
Dave: Hey, you know what else
is cool?
He still lives with his mom.
Wendy: Oh, pass.
Sgt. Murder: I'm gonna get my
own place eventually.
Dave: Sure you are.
[Bleep] block ♪
Dave: Green aliens or red? Green
or red? Think, Jerry. Think.
Black Steve: Hey, yo.
Jerry: Jeez!
Black Steve: Is it safe
to come out?
Jerry: Black Steve, why are you
in the air vents?
Black Steve: Jerry, those
wrestlers know who I am.
I've been running from
The Black Shadow for 15 years,
but he's finally caught up
with me.
Jerry: You can't
beat yourself up.
Yes, you did kill a man,
but sometimes bad stuff happens
in the ring.
Black Steve: Hey, man,
I didn't kill him in the ring.
I strangled him in the crowd.
Jerry: Ohh.
Black Steve: I just won a match.
And I was looking for my lady
to celebrate.
But when I found her, she was
kissing another dude,
so I killed him.
Jerry: I see.
Um, that is a little harder
to justify.
Black Steve: The thing is,
the dude I killed was
Sgt. Murder's brother,
Tommy Murder.
Sgt. Murder challenged me to
fight to the death,
but I didn't want to kill
anymore,
so I changed my name
and ran away.
Turns out I didn't run
far enough.
Can I borrow bus fare to go
to Mexico?
Jerry: I, um, didn't bring
my wallet today.
That's not my wallet.
Black Steve: [Bleep] you, Jerry.
Jerry: I deserved that.
Dave: It's true. I got a giant.
I got a real live giant.
Woman: Is that a clever way of
referring to your penis?
Dave, slurring: No. I mean it.
I have a real live giant.
He's got huper suman strength.
He can break walls
and throw people. So awesome.
He's right over there.
He was here a second ago.
Bulk Brogan: I have a giant,
too, baby.
And big Bulk is referring
to his penis.
Dave: Yo, where the hell did
my giant go?
I'm gonna talk to somebody
about this.
This isn't over.
Jerry: OK, got to finish. Got to
finish. Got to plow through.
Just got to finish this game.
Got to f--
[Clatter]
Black Steve? Dave, is that you?
You better not be peeing on
the doorknob again, Dave. Aah!
What are you doing here, Sergei?
Sergei the Giant:
You need different missiles.
-What?
-Different missiles--
one to blow up asteroid,
one to create force shield.
-Huh?
-Also one to kill alien.
Jerry: Wow. That's actually not
a bad idea.
I didn't realize you were
paying attention.
Sergei the Giant:
No one ever asks.
They're all scared of my size.
They just want me to
break things.
Jerry: Man, that's tough.
I guess I haven't been that nice
to you either, huh?
Sergei the Giant: Under all this
muscle, I am
an intelligent, sensitive man.
Jerry: They take you for
granted. I get that.
Sometimes I feel like Dave takes
me for granted, too.
Sergei the Giant: Oh, well,
I cannot change what I am.
This is my curse.
Dave: Wait.
Tell me again about
the different missiles.
Well, what do you think about
the aliens in level 6?
Sergei the Giant: They need
bigger antennae.
Jerry: Exactly! And what should
we do about level 7?
Sergei the Giant:
The environment is all wrong.
This should be in the woods.
Jerry: Of course.
Dave: Giant, where did you
go last night, dude?
It's almost as if you didn't
want to help me
bone drunk chicks.
Jerry: Actually, he was helping
me with the game.
Dave: Ha ha! Sure he was, Jer.
I'm sure the big, strong giant
helped you with his teeny, tiny
brain.
Larrity: There you all are!
It's time to get gittin'.
I need every single employee to
support GameAVision today.
Destiny awaits. And by destiny,
I, of course, mean wrassling.
Let's get it.
Dean: Yeah, what he said.
Jerry: Sergei, you go on ahead.
I'll finish the game.
Dave: Thanks, Jer. I want to get
good seats,
maybe grab a hot dog.
Larrity: OK, people, this is it.
Defeat is not an option.
I'd rather you die on that mat
today than let
those BelleCoVision losers get
the best of you.
You hear me?
Wrestlers: Yes, sir.
Larrity: I can't hear you!
Wrestlers: Yes, sir!
Larrity: Yeah! Dog it!
This is gonna be easier
than taking candy
from a stuck pig.
[Bell ringing]
[Upbeat synthesizer
video game music playing]
[Sgt. Murder growls]
[Bell rings, crowd cheering]
[Bell rings]
Sgt. Murder: This is
gonna be fun.
Larrity: Don't forget to take
your vitamins.
[Sgt. Murder yells]
Referee: All right.
I want a clean fight.
Black Shadow: Why don't you
pick on someone your own size?
Referee: It's The Black Shadow!
Sgt. Murder: Black Shadow!
You cowardly son of a bitch.
Black Shadow: Yeah, it's me.
I'm tired of running.
Come and get me, bitch.
Sgt. Murder: It's time for you
to pay for killing my brother.
Black Shadow: That lady-stealing
bastard had it coming.
Let's dance, honky.
How do you like the taste of
your own medicine?
Sgt. Murder: No! Not that.
Black Shadow:
Nuts 'n Guts Ka-pow.
[Sgt. Murder groaning]
Black Shadow: But I added
one more move, and I call it
the Honky Twist.
This is for you, Ma!
[Sgt. Murder groaning]
Black Shadow: That's what I
thought.
Referee: Winner--Black Shadow.
Mary: This is so pathetic.
Wendy: Totally. But
The Black Shadow's smoking hot.
Mary: Totally.
Jerry: And I am done. I did it.
We did it, Sergei. We did it.
[Crowd cheering]
Jerry: Dude, have you seen
Sergei?
-Who's Sergei?
-The Giant!
Dave: No, dude, but I did see
a grown man crap his pants.
I thought it'd be cool, but,
actually, guess what.
It was sort of depressing.
Jerry: Wait! Sergei! We did it.
The game is amazing
thanks to you.
You're not just muscles.
You've got a brain.
You don't have to do this.
Oh, man.
Larrity: That's a forfeit,
right?
Referee: Only if he's dead.
Yup, that's a forfeit.
[Bell rings]
Dave: Where's all the man meat?
Larrity: I had to let 'em go.
Clare: Even Bulk Brogan?
Larrity: Yup.
Clare: But I loved him!
[Sobbing]
Oh, I'll never be loved again.
Larrity:
GameAVision's been banned
from the wrassling league.
Apparently, you can't kill a man
in a sporting event these days.
Gosh-darn government!
Anyway, no wrassling,
no ringers,
but that's all right by me.
We leave the league with a
perfect record. Everybody wins.
Jerry: Except for the guy
that died.
Larrity: Well, yes, thank you.
I guess he didn't make it out
so well.
Moving on, uh, Jerry, you're up.
Let's see some "Space Asses."
Jerry: Um, it's actually
"Space Assassins," sir.
Larrity: Oh, goll.
Well, that don't sound so sexy.
Well, let's see it anyway.
Go on.
Jerry: In "Space Assassins,"
you play Jack Spaceman, a pilot
charged with defeating
the Martian invasion.
You have several different
defenses, the first of which is
very important.
So then you hit
the Martian leader 10 times,
and you use a final kick
to kill him,
and that's how you win
"Space Assassins."
Mary and Larrity: Hear! Hear!
Todd: Good job!
Dave: Wow. I made a great game.
Larrity: I'm proud of you,
Jerry.
And I'll be your dead mama is,
too, up in heaven or hell.
I don't know if she was
a good woman or not.
Jerry: Thank you, sir,
and thank you, Sergei.
Dave: Jerry, you fell in love
with the Giant, didn't you?
Jerry: Shut up!
Dave: Hey, everyone, Jerry is
gay for giants.
Jerry: Maybe I am gay for
giants. Maybe I am.
[Elephant trumpets]
Larrity: Do the manly man slam!
Do the manly man slam!