Con Man (2015) s01e11 Episode Script

Con Man - Episode 11 - "Full Release" No, it's too damaged.
- Find a workaround.
- No.
We'll have to drop the shields.
We don't have shields.
We don't have shields? I'm so cold! Why am I so cold? I'm naked! What the hell is wrong with my dick? It's all blurry! No! Wait! No! No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Brenda! I'm doctor Chu Hua.
Astrobiologist on the spaceship Spectrum.
Duh Jack's not even that good.
I should have been the famous one.
You look great! Hawaiian shirt? Come on! Wray.
You're wasting time.
No! Wait! Wait! Hey, Stutter.
God, are you still mad about the Outing me.
My secret's out.
- Everybody knows the real me.
- Look You're dead.
I honestly thought everybody knew.
You're already dying.
What? I'm getting old.
God, I'm getting old.
Making too many mistakes.
Just too many mistakes.
Regret! Oh, God! She's cracking up.
- You're way too damaged! - No! No! Wray? Wray! Tiffany! Look at you! I'm releasing a sequel to my sex tape Will you come to the premiere? Why? What happened? You're just a little girl! These should have been our babies.
Dawn! Those aren't babies! Those are dolls! You want it as much as I do.
No, I don't.
Sex is always better with crazy.
Yes, it is! And you're crazy! No! Yes.
No! Yes! Wray? Yes? You're the crazy one.
I'm not the one who's crazy.
You're the one who's crazy! Abandon ship! To the escape pods! Well, there's only one left.
And as captain I should take it.
Only the captain goes on.
Fuck you! Hey! You can't use the f-word on network television.
Come on.
I'm hanging up.
Goodbye! Goodbye! Self destruct in six Five four - Three - God! Two -One.
- Jack.
I'm wide awake.
I'm here.
- I'm here.
I'm here.
- Come over.
I have the whole episode from the Dutch broadcast.
Thirteen messages? Episode of what? Spectrum.
Bobbie? Bobbie, what are you doing in my room? I just want to see the look on your face when I give you good - news! - How did you get in here? What good news? PJ Haars You know, the creator of Spectrum Yeah, I know who he is.
Well, he has just released the lost episode on Dutch television.
What? Well, that's a terrible face! Give me a better one! PJ Haars is broadcasting the lost episode and it's online! It wasn't lost.
It was stolen.
Damn it! Did I leave the front door unlocked? Well, those are terrible faces! Why don't you try smiling? It's the lost episode! We only shot two days on that episode.
We were cancelled, PJ Haars lost it, he stole the footage.
What? Is the episode online only five minutes long? No, I think it was a full episode.
But every time they post it on a site, it crashes.
I thought you'd have a copy.
I brought over my projector and your landlord has a screen.
- Dale let you in.
- No.
I broke your bathroom window with your lawn chair.
I also broke your lawn chair.
What's the deal with him anyway? I mean he's nice, but he's a little odd.
I mean, he's Did he ask you to punch him in the face? - No! - He will.
Don't do it.
He's ninety.
Where are the beer glasses? I wanted to toast the occasion.
Dale, you're not supposed to drink! Beer doesn't count! I was going to say that He looks really good in red.
He used to be a stunt lady man.
Back in the fifties, he would double movie actresses before stuntwomen were common.
Ever since he turned ninety He started to relive his more heroic days.
He probably jumped out of a moving car in that dress for Myrna Loy.
Bobbie, I'd really like to get dressed.
Oh, for god's sakes.
I've seen you naked before.
- When? - Terrible face! Dale, be careful! Still got it! Shit! The whole cast is coming over.
Stutter's already here.
He keeps sharpening the kitchen knives.
I've started hiding them.
Come over! Wray Nerely? Doctor Chu Hua calling.
Just kidding! My costume still fits.
You should wear yours! Are you going to be okay seeing Dawn? No Hey, Wray! - It's Dawn! - No.
Hey, it's Tiffany Umm I hope you're going today.
I haven't seen you in so long.
You missed my perfume launch, and birthday and my arraignment.
TTYL.
Oh, god.
Hey, Wray.
It's Dawn.
The last message was a little off the rails.
Hey, it's your old friend Stutter.
Payback's a bitch.
Just like you are You bitch.
I can't go I mean man.
What the hell? Hey, it's Dawn again.
Last message got a little crazy Hit me in the face! Closed fists! I'm gonna warn you.
I was Angie Dickinson's sparring partner in the made for TV movie of the first female prizefighter.
- What was it called? - Box.
Tell me when Still got it! Oh, that hurts! My ears mostly.
I was the only lady stuntman Who did his own screams.
The fans have crashed three servers.
Dale Your ear is bleeding.
- Oh wait, here's a review.
"Original footage is seamlessly merged with new scenes employing look-alike Dutch actors.
" "Other times, Haars ingeniously employs crude animation and shadow puppets.
" "He leaves in Dutch commercials as a commentary on the obsolescence of advertiser based funding.
" "His brilliance on full display.
" We got a lot of things to sign! Dale, could you plug this in? Oh, my god! Somebody uploaded it to Vimeo.
I love Vimeo! Wait pay wall.
Let's set up the projector! - It's starting! It's starting! - Okay! The screen's too small.
Haars animated the opening.
He always hated the original.
- That's sweet.
Wait a second I didn't know the Dutch people actually wore - wooden shoes What? Hey! -What? Dale? I asked you to plug it in.
Come on.
I kind of like the new opening! Everybody's going over to Jack's to watch it.
Well then, I think we should go.
No.
No.
You It's a cast only - Thing.
- Ah, okay.
Everyone from the original cast except of course Bruise Camp Bell.
It was really nice of Haars to dedicate the whole episode to the memory of Bruise.
Did they ever find his body? No They figure the sharks got him.
He was a good guy.
He was a pretty good guy.
He was a guy You know what? Let me set up your projector.
Jack's gonna be there.
- Brenda! - Ah, Brenda.
Well, is she fat or thin now? She said that she's gonna wear her original costume from Spectrum to Jack's.
I couldn't even fit in that.
Did you know she was the spokesperson last year for Pounders Weight Loss? Yeah, they only ran the before pictures.
Never the after.
- Not a good sign.
- Not at all.
Also Stutter And Tiffany! How did such a sweet little girl grow up to be such a dumb slut? Dale! You cannot say that.
In my day, dumb slut was perfectly acceptable.
Even a compliment.
Welcome to the new world.
Now we call her stupid bitch.
No! No, we don't! - Well, how about whores? - How about a whore? Neither of those things! Look, she's just a sweet little girl who grew up in the spotlight.
And, every mistake she made Was exposed to the world.
So was her crotch.
Hey, Stutter.
Is he still pissed off that you outed him publicly? His message would suggest that he is.
- Sorry.
- You're doing it all wrong! Here.
The only person I hang out with anymore is Jack and that's hardly ever anymore.
I should go.
Is Dawn gonna be there? Yes.
She will.
- Well, someone's gonna get laid.
- No! No, I'm not.
She is married now with twins.
She's as crazy as a - Shit house rat.
- Dale! - You're gonna get laid.
- No I'm not! Careful.
You don't want another Vegas Screw Vegas.
You know what? PJ Haars is getting his closure.
I'm gonna get mine.
You two Enjoy the episode.
Dale! Still got it! Your teeth slid under the couch.