Cooper Barretts Guide to Surviving Life (2016) s01e11 Episode Script

In your 20s, you'll find that unresolved issues from your past can make you feel like your life is turned upside down.
See what I did there? Don't worry, they won't let me go.
My name is Cooper Ba (screams) My name is Cooper Barrett.
My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.
COOPER: A person's dreams can say a lot about their desires.
They may be grand The 2017 Nobel Prize for Medicine goes to Cooper Barrett (Cooper grunts, crowd cheering) for Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure.
Suck it, suck it.
or bizarre.
(snoring) More mac and cheese, Barry? No, thank you, Barry, I've had enough.
(both laughing) Come on, hit me with it.
COOPER: Unfortunately, they can also force you to relive moments you'd rather forget.
(students chattering) Hey! (laughs) Hey, everyone! Fissley fits in a locker! (laughing, banging on locker) (school bell rings) (gasps) (panting) You guys are one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the country, thanks in part to us three knuckleheads.
(chuckles) 'Cause we drink a lot.
Don't explain the joke.
COOPER: But what if in addition to booze, you sold a product that eliminated its worst side effect? I'm not talking about beer goggles.
Which make unattractive people seem better looking.
(quietly): What did I just say? The bits aren't landing.
Anyway, we think that Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure would make a fantastic addition to your stores.
Pass.
Do you think these are Katy Perry's real boobs? MAN: Barrett? F-F-F-Fissley? COOPER: Hench? (laughs): What the hell are you guys doing here? I haven't seen you since high school, huh? Hey, nice to meet you.
Tom Hench.
Oh, your firm handshake makes me feel like I matter.
COOPER: We just, uh we just pitched our hangover cure.
Did you buy it, huh? Uh, no, sir.
I went to high school with these guys.
Oh, I didn't know.
It's your job to know.
You're fired.
Come on, let me give you a little tour, show you around.
- All right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
HENCH: Rayland High in the house! (Cooper and Hench laugh) HENCH: Classic.
Well, thank you so much for letting me crash here while my apartment gets fumigated, 'cause I really don't think I could stay at Cooper's again after last time.
NEAL: (chuckles) All right.
I think this is the edibles talking, but I want you to kick me in the nuts as hard as you can.
- Right.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
- Oh, my nuts! - (laughing) Ow! (laughing) - COOPER: Kelly, your turn.
- (hisses) (Neal groans) Kidding me? Usually we're just wasting this guest room on Leslie's creepy sister.
Josh, only I can call her creepy.
She breathes like this.
(gasping quickly) We also caught her watching us sleep one time, but let's not mention that.
Okay, let's give you the lay of the land.
You got the linen closet right there for your blankets and your towels.
Bathroom is right here.
Don't go in that room.
And if you get a snack attack, our kitchen es su kitchen.
- What did you say was in this room? - No, no, no.
You don't have to worry about what's in that room.
Just please never go in there.
Now let's go pick a sleep number.
HENCH: You guys remember that girl from a grade above us, Lisa Parsons? Yeah, of course.
She hooked up with half the soccer team.
- I married her! - (laughing) And one of our four kids looks nothing like me.
(laughter) I'm laughing because I'm uncomfortable.
HENCH: (laughs) Hey, listen.
Let's talk business for a second, okay? Now, I looked over your proposal, and the numbers are horrible.
But screw it! We went to high school together, right?! (excited laughter) Hey, what do you say we put your product in our stores? Geez, let me think.
I'll confer with the board.
I'm in! Me, too.
Neal? Neal? Neal? Screw you, Hench! (clears throat) So, is, uh, Lisa still into dance? I don't get it.
Why would Neal tell the second largest beverage distributor on the West Coast to go screw himself? It's self-sabotage.
It's like when I left medical school.
There's Neal.
- Hey, Kelly.
- Hi.
There's a room in Josh's house that I'm not allowed to go in.
Yeah, I know.
It's the one next to the bathroom.
No one is.
(whispers): What's in there? I don't know.
I've never been inside.
What? Are you okay? Someone told you not to go into a room, and then you just didn't go into it? Do you realize what could be in there? I don't know, storage? A horror baby.
An altar of some sort.
A dead woman in a rocking chair.
Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to Neal.
Already did; he hasn't been in there either.
Neal, what the hell happened, man? He said Hench is a bully and that he doesn't want to work with a bully, and that if we're here to change his mind And that's when I stopped listening.
Neal, I know Hench wasn't the nicest guy in high school, but Nicest guy? He shoved me in a locker and changed the whole course of my high school experience.
You know, before that, I was Super Cool Awesome Neal, the radical dude that all the ladies loved.
- Eh - That don't sound right.
Okay, I played the oboe.
That's the hardest instrument in the school band.
This is all in the past, all right? Luckily, I managed to convince Hench you were just kidding around, so all we have to do is sign the deal, and we're well on our way to becoming rich and fulfilling our dreams of winning the Nobel Prize for Medicine.
When I was little, I had a dream about getting this red jean jacket.
When I got it, I was disappointed, so be careful.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I love the company very much, but there are just some things I can't forgive.
Neal (sighs) Don't worry, I know exactly how to fix this.
Back a little bit, lift it and level it.
All right, so what you want to do about Neal? (sizzling) What's going on? Why are we using the real paper plates? They're just called plates.
- Uh, I got steaks.
- Mmm.
What's the occasion? Fissley! I bought this corn down at the farmers market from Tim Capshaw.
You remember Tim? Cap! Well, awesome.
He's here.
I'll see you.
No, Neal, Neal, come on, just He's not the same guy he was in high school, all right? Just sit down with him for ten minutes and you'll see that.
Please? Come on.
For the company.
(sighs) (whines) KELLY: What did you say was in this room? LESLIE: Don't worry about what's in that room.
Just please never go in there.
KELLY: What's in there? (floorboards creaking) A horror baby.
(door creaking) (screaming) (screaming) (screaming) (screaming) You were told never to come in here! What are you doing?! Don't look at me! I'm painting! What? You're a painter? I'm not a painter.
I just it was something that I did when I was younger.
It's stupid.
Leslie, this is not stupid.
These are amazing.
Honestly.
I'm not comfortable with You think my paintings are amazing? Yes.
And I would know.
My uncle was a big art dealer.
He also dealt other things.
He's in jail now.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
This is like early Barnett Newman.
(chuckles) Wow.
Newman's my hero.
He's like the Picasso of abstract.
Well, that would be Picasso, but Newman's solid.
Art jokes.
Wow.
No, you-you have a real gift.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
For the record, not what I expected coming in here.
- Horror baby? - Yes.
So, Neal, did you know that it was Hench's idea to donate a percentage of his company's profits to charity? Yeah, yeah, well, a lot of it goes to the homeless and, uh, kids with that lip thing.
- What? - Uh, but you are active in the church, right? Yeah, big-time.
- Religion is awesome.
- Yeah.
- You can be a giant tool all week.
- No.
Yeah, and as long as you tell the guy what you did, free pass! Okay, well, it's getting late, so, you know Whoa, wait, guys, guys.
Before we break this up, uh, let me just say something, okay? (sighs) Now, I wasn't always the best person in high school.
And I paid the price for that.
I dealt with some sobriety-related challenges.
I lost my brother, Robbie, to a wingsuit accident.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
The point is, I'm happy we're gonna be working together.
I love you guys.
(quietly): I feel like Neal's warming up.
What do you think? I feel like I need to sell my wingsuit.
Yeah.
(whoops) Oh, something smells good in here.
Oh, God! You had to go in the room, didn't you? Yeah, I went in the room, Josh, okay? If you didn't want me to go in the room, you shouldn't have told me not to.
Fine, that's on me.
Look, did you compliment my wife's art last night? Uh, yes, I did.
What's the big deal? She's incredibly talented.
Kelly, there are forces at work here that you cannot possibly comprehend, so butt out.
- Frittata? - Thank you.
Look, I just don't see what's wrong with a little positive reinforcement.
- Of course, you don't.
You don't - Josh I've decided to quit my job at the record label and pursue painting full-time.
Fine, that's on me.
All right, so, I feel like Neal's almost on board, so let's, uh let's role-play this.
You be Neal.
- Got it.
- Hi.
Neal, with a partner like DrinkMo, our projected earnings for just 2016 I think Barry ate my Pop Tarts.
Do you know anything about that? - Wha - And then you say you don't.
That's Barry talking.
Guys I'm in.
We can team up with Hench.
Okay, it worked.
Uh, well, what changed your mind? Well, I knew this deal was important, but I couldn't work with Hench until he knew what he did to me.
So I went over there to get some things off my chest.
Hey, do you know where I can find Tommy Hench? Uh yeah, he's checking inventory.
NEAL: I was all ready to confront him but then I thought of something better.
Whoa! (knocking) What? NEAL: Payback.
Oh, God, Neal, I really wish you hadn't done that.
Coop, he didn't even see me.
It was like the universe gave me this perfect opportunity to get even with him for shoving me in the locker.
Yeah, but he didn't shove you into the locker, man.
I did.
And I ate your Pop Tarts.
Whew, that's a load off.
I don't believe it.
BARRY: You know, I'm really sorry, Neal.
I seen the Pop Tart box with the squirrel from Ice Age on it, and I had no choice.
I'd do it again.
No, it-it had to be Hench.
I saw him laughing at me.
Hey! (laughing, banging on locker) That's not how it went down, man.
(laughing, banging on locker) (tape rewinding) Hey! (laughs) Hey, everyone, Fissley fits in a locker! (laughing) - I did that.
- So fun.
I want to go all the way with you.
You shoved me in a locker and went all the way with Jenny Fritz? No, 'cause I-I was so wracked with guilt from what I'd done to you, so, you know, we both suffered.
Dude, I can't believe the whole time it was you! It was a horrible thing to do, yeah.
I didn't know you at the time.
It was just this weird impulse thing.
Like when you go to the grocery store.
You're just trying to buy eggs.
Next thing you know, you leaving with an Us Weekly.
I am so sorry, Neal.
I-I tried to tell you, like, a thousand times, but we were just getting close, and I didn't want to lose you as a friend.
I get that.
I had the same dream every night - for ten years! - Stop it! There is an innocent man locked in a storage bin! Can we hold this off until we make sure he's okay? No! (Neal and Cooper grunting) Hold on.
Let me take a photo so you guys can remember where you left off.
(camera clicking) I know painting full-time is a big decision, but it just feels right.
Then it is right, honey.
Oh, thanks, honey.
- I'm gonna go paint.
- Hmm.
- (chuckles) - I love seeing you like this.
You're killing me.
Why? Look at your wife.
She's never been happier.
Man, it must be nice to live in your all-expenses-paid Entourage world where exotic men buy you drinks and butt implants, but I have stuff to pay for.
They weren't butt implants.
They were a pair of Spanx, and I dumped that guy the next day.
You know, I've been doing some math, and without Leslie's salary over the next 30 years, with the average rate of return, you've just cost me and my family $6.
3 million.
Do you have $6.
3 million I could borrow? Fine.
What would you like me to do? Nothing.
Just stop talking and let me handle it.
- LESLIE: Hey, guys! - There's my artist.
I am going to paint this pear.
(chuckles) Hey, sweetie, Kelly and I were just chatting, and she mentioned something I hadn't thought of, but do you think it's, uh, wise to quit your job before you know if there's a market for your paintings? Just wondering.
Her idea.
I guess not.
So why don't you just put your work on this website that I know for aspiring artists and potentially sell something today? Really? - Really.
- Well Kelly, I never would've thought of that.
I'm gonna pick a painting right now.
- You're never staying here again.
- I know.
(truck whirring, beeping) Where's the container? It's gone.
What do you mean it's gone? Excuse me, sir.
Oh, Cort? I thought you were fired, man.
Nope, demoted.
Thanks to you guys.
Cort, where's the shipping box that was just here? I don't know, probably got shipped.
Hey, do you think this car will get me laid? COOPER: We don't care.
Where'd it get shipped to? - I don't know.
- Give me this.
Oh, no.
(foghorn blowing) This one's going to Alaska.
Put it over there.
HENCH: Hello? (knocking) No, no, no, no, no No one's buying my painting.
You know why? Because it's crap.
Because I'm crap, and this was a stupid, stupid dream.
It's been four hours.
Who knew she was so thin-skinned? Yeah, it's almost like you haven't been married to her for 15 years.
- I was trying to be supportive.
- Oh, I know.
You grew up watching aspirational '90s children's cartoons and think that everybody deserves to follow their dreams, but here's a reality check.
Sometimes, mermaids are better off staying "under da sea.
" - Let this be a lesson next time you try - (computer dings) to meddle in other people's Oh, my God, it sold! What? What? For $5,000! What?! - What? - I am so talented! Oh.
What? Kelly, thank you so much.
I just needed a little push, you know? - (chuckles): We did it.
- Yay! (machines whirring) I got this.
Excuse me, sir.
There's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna come straight out with the truth.
I'm Special Agent Antonio Gates, D.
E.
A.
Now, I'm gonna need full access to your entire facility right now.
Can I see that badge again? Bluff called.
(engine starts) COOPER: It's all right, man.
- I'm gonna fix this.
- I know you will.
Actually, I don't, because you're a liar.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
- You know what? - BARRY: Uh-oh.
I know what I did was horrible.
You know, if I hadn't pushed you into that locker, we never would have become best friends.
Some best friend.
COOPER: I felt so bad about what I'd done that I reached out to make it better, and in the process, found out what a great guy you are.
Oh, so our friendship is just based off the fact that you pitied me? No.
I mean yeah, but You know, this was easier when you were choking me.
(chuckles) MAN: Hey! Too fast, too furious.
- He's got the crate! - Barry! Stop! (tires screech) (glass breaking) Oh, my God, we killed Hench.
HENCH: Huh.
What's up, fellas? I got locked in a box full of vodka.
Huh, told you I'd fix it.
- Neal - Leave me alone.
Guess I'm off the wagon, huh? COOPER: Neal, it's Cooper again.
Look, I feel really bad, but you can't stay mad at me forever.
Barry, stop eating Neal's Pop Tarts! BARRY: I can't help it.
They're too tasty.
Oh, my God.
Look, man, you and Cooper have to work this out.
Y'all can't keep being mad at each other.
I'm sorry, but if you wrong someone in life, you have to expect consequences.
(Cooper screaming in distance) Listen, guys, I'm sorry you got fired from the loading dock for shipping your boss, but I assure you I had nothing to do with it! Cooper?! Oh, hey, guys.
This is Kyle.
You remember Cort? (phone rings) - JOSH: Hello.
- KELLY: Hi.
Uh, just wanted to let you know that I left the keys under the mat, and, oh, if Gracie seems to have picked up the phrase "Son of a bitch," I had nothing to do with that.
You are the worst houseguest ever.
Also, just want to say, I know you're stressed out about Leslie's new direction, but for what it's worth, I think she's gonna be okay.
I mean, she made a sale, right? I know.
Art's her thing.
It may bankrupt our family, but at least she has a friend that gives her a little push.
Well, I do what I can.
(chuckles) All right, talk to you later.
I broke your lamp.
- What? Kelly? - (dial tone hums) Kelly? $5,000.
BARRY: What the hell?! Put our friend down! You mean your friend.
Ah, seriously, Neal? After all the good things I've done for you? You know what, I am through trying to apologize! Fine! This is ridiculous.
You know why I started hanging out with you guys in college? Because everyone you started college with graduated.
Partly.
But I loved how two guys who were so different could be such good friends, and I wanted to fit in with you guys.
Neal, look, I know I screwed up, but I would push you into a locker all over again if it meant you would become my best friend.
Thanks, man.
That was actually really touching.
But I came here to drop someone, so (Cooper screams) - No! - No! (laughs) So, what's the lesson here? (groans) A pillowcase and duct tape won't protect your nuts, and there's still no proof that Josh and Leslie don't have a horror baby.
- Also - Hey.
Who's talking right now? Found out what's in the room.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
What happened to your neck? Karma.
- Oh, look who I found.
- Hi.
Hey.
(chuckles) Hey, great.
So, now that we're all together, I just wanted to tell you guys, I took your proposal, ran it upstairs - And? - They laughed at me! I was like, "You guys don't get it, you know.
We went to high school together.
" - Guy's crazy.
- Oh, totally.
But very likable.
Eh, I don't know.
Also, never be a bully, because the kid you're making fun of might just turn out to be your future best friend.
- Here you go, Coop.
- Aw.
Thanks, buddy.
Mmm.
Cheers.
Cheers! (laughs) - (chuckles): Okay.
- He does that a lot.
Ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Yeah.
Secret breakfast, my favorite meal of the day.
Mm-hmm, it's beautiful out here.
NEAL: Hey! Are you eating my Pop Tart?! You owe me 38 cents, you son of a bitch!