Cybill (1995) s01e11 Episode Script

This is wrong.
- We both know this is wrong.
- Why? It'll never work.
I'm old enough to be your older sister.
I don't care.
I love you.
- How long have they been rehearsing? - About an hour.
Same scene over and over? Not even the whole scene, just that part.
You two going out tonight? Yeah.
Dinner, dancing, the whole schmear.
Mm.
Guy's got a strong back.
Well, he's young.
I think it's great that you two are trying to reconcile.
Yeah, well we both realised how much we still mean to each other.
So, this must be tough for you to watch.
A couple of years ago it would've driven me crazy but I was insecure.
Now I'm much more comfortable with who I am.
I'm not threatened by a kid like that.
See my new Jaguar? Yeah, nice.
Man, I remember when I was his age.
I could go all night.
Yeah, got the big engine.
- 12 cylinders.
- Sweet.
They say a woman Cyb's age and a guy his age are both in their sexual prime.
Uh-huh.
But your peak earning years are 45-50.
Still, when you get out the shower would you rather see someone like you or Hey! Has he written any award-winning novels? Does he own his home or have mutual funds? There you go, that's the nerve I was poking around for.
Ira, how long you been here? Long enough to brag about his mutual funds.
Aren't you late for a tractor pull or something? Let me introduce Rick.
This is Jeff, my ex-husband who lives over the garage.
- Dude.
- And this is Ira, my ex-husband whom I'm dating.
It's a long story.
These are for you.
- Oh, thank you so much! - So, how's the play going? Pretty good.
Hard work, though.
(Snorts) It's only a little production but I'm scared to death.
Of what? You're magnificent! On stage.
Acting on stage.
Acting magnificent.
(Snorts) I'd better get going, working the dinner shift.
- You're a waiter! - I gotta pay the rent.
- No shame in that.
What do you drive? - Uh, Dodge Colt.
Economical.
Yeah.
Well, it was, um, good to meet you.
- See you, Rick.
- Thanks.
OK, I'll go get ready.
Thanks.
Ira, not in front of Jeff! (Snorts) Loving one who loves you And then taking that vow Nice work if you can get it And if you get it Won't you tell me how? Stop complaining, Maryann.
The problem is there's no sense of community in Brentwood.
Everyone lives behind gates.
No one invites you over for coffee.
You never know who your neighbours are till they're accused of murder.
Isn't that always the way? Yeah, but I'm gonna change all that.
I bought a telescope.
"For what?" she asked, fearing the answer.
Don't worry.
I checked with my attorney.
I am within my legal rights, as long as it's pointed at the stars.
So far I've seen Orion, the Big Dipper and William Shatner.
Her fears were confirmed.
Did you know he lets his cats eat off his stomach? - You're kidding! - Could I make that up? Oh, hey, how was your little rendezvous with Ira last night? Actually it was very romantic.
We went to Malibu for lobster and then we took off our shoes and walked on the beach.
Off his stomach? And not that dry cat food, either.
So, Ira walked barefoot on the beach? Well, he left his socks on and we only got 20 feet before he saw a homeless man and ran to the car but for him that's progress.
- Was there other progress? - We're still taking it slow.
- Define slow.
- Just kissing.
Just kissing what? You're a pig.
- Hey, Cybill.
- I didn't know you came here! - I'm just here to play racquetball.
- This is Maryann.
- Rick and I are doing that play together.
- Hi.
- Maryann.
- Oh, yes Cybill's told me a lot about you.
- We still rehearsing tonight? - 6:00.
- Great.
I'll see you then.
Bye.
- OK.
(In dreamy, childish voice) Bye-bye.
I bow to you.
- Nothing's going on.
- Does Ira know There's nothing to know.
I'm doing a play with Ira and dating Rick.
- Excuse me? - I mean, I'm dating Ira and I wanna do Rick I mean I wanna play with Rick Leave me alone! Are you sure I can't get you anything? Ah, no thanks, I'm fine.
Oh, here.
Houston, we have touchdown! You know, believe it or not I'm usually a teeny-weeny size one.
- I think you look great the way you are.
- You think so? Pregnant women are beautiful.
You're glowing.
Oh, thank you.
- So, how long have you been married? - What makes you think I am? Maybe the wedding ring gave you away.
Just kidding, Peanut.
Yes, I'm married, he's out of town so I'm here for a couple of days.
I'm divorced, I'm just living here until I find my own place.
Oh, Zoey! Teenagers, what are you gonna do? OK, Rach, snack time.
- Need some help? - No, I'm fine.
Sorry I'm late, I had to restock the pantry before Mommy started on the dog biscuits.
Mother! Honey, when I was pregnant with you I ate a Gaines-Burger.
Be right with you, Rick.
Well, excuse me, I'm gonna go get something to wash down these chips.
How about a bucket of gravy? Here, let me.
Wow, glad you're here, Rick, usually it takes two of us.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Look, Rick I know we both have a lot of baggage, I've been hurt, you've been hurt, but we're both young, we can make this work.
- Huh? - Zoey! Go do your homework.
Later.
I love you.
- Uh, I'm sorry.
I have to stop.
- What's wrong? I'm having a problem with the kiss.
Oh, no, did I bite you again? Nothing like that.
Cybill, we've gotta talk.
Knock, knock! Maryann? Hhhello Rrrick.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here? I was on my way to a party, which I have on good authority will also be attended by my ex-husband.
So I was thinking, "What could I wear that would fill him with regret for leaving me?" - And then it hit me - You cannot wear Rick to the party.
- He's the perfect accessory.
- Rick is not a handbag, he's an actor.
- Sometimes there's a difference.
- All right, I'll just go home and watch TV.
Maybe Dustin Hoffman's TV.
Good idea.
I bet he's got a satellite dish.
Sorry about that.
- Is everything OK? - With Maryann? No, definitely not.
Now, what were you saying? Well when we kiss in the scene Boy, this is kind of embarrassing.
I'm not acting, I'm really kissing you.
I could see how that could be a problem.
- I can't stop thinking about you.
- Can I say something? - I'm an idiot, right? - No, not at all.
This happens to all actors.
You're tapping into intimate emotions to make the scene work and it's easy for the line between fiction and reality to get confused.
See, isn't that confusing? Still waiting, huh? Yeah, well, you know women.
Theoretically.
You know Theresa, the waitress who covers this station? - Uh, no.
- Big girl, bad dye-job.
Anyway, I can't begin to tell you how many times she has come in late.
Boyfriend problems, car problems, hair problems, - and who has to cover her tables? - You do? - Ding, ding, ding! - Cybill, over here But does she show up in time to pick up her tips? Oh, yes! - Excuse me, could you, uh - Oh! Glad you could make it.
- Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in traffic.
- Sure.
No, really.
Why am I apologising to the waiter? Well, you did take his chair.
So, how was rehearsal? Rehearsal? Fine.
Rehearsal didn't make me late, horrible traffic did.
- Which way did you come? - What's the difference? I was late.
- Can we drop it? - OK, OK.
It's dropped.
Hey, I read the play.
Pretty good, nice part for you.
- You read it? - Yeah.
- Why did you read the play? - Uh - to take an interest in what you're doing? - Yeah, right! You would've counted how often Rick kisses me.
- No.
- You really wanna know? 11 times.
Boy, you haven't changed at all.
You still can't deal with me being an actor and yes, sometimes I have love scenes with other men.
- Look, I was just - I was just? I was just? Just because I kiss a man on stage doesn't mean I enjoy it nor does it mean I wonder what it'd be like to have sex with him.
- What? - And furthermore, Ira, I resent these childish accusations.
OK.
I said, "How was rehearsal?" She said she was stuck in traffic.
I said, "Which way did you come?" Peekaboo, I see you, standing at the door Peekaboo, I see you, lying on the floor (Doorbell) It's open, Cybill.
- How d'you know it was me? - I saw you pulling off the freeway.
Wanna watch Elliott Gould cook dinner? - Absolutely not.
- He's nude.
Maybe a peek.
That man has the biggest Wait that's an oven mitt.
This is such a wonderful hobby.
Last night I saw Kirstie Allie eat an entire pie with no utensils.
- My turn.
- I'm a terrible person, Maryann.
Ah, come on, anybody woulda looked.
Not that.
I had a date with Ira tonight, I practically tore his head off.
- And the problem is? - He didn't deserve it.
I guess I was feeling guilty about what happened with Rick.
Something happened with Rick? He kissed me.
I mean, he really kissed me and I sorta really kissed him back.
Uh-huh, and then? Then, I sent him home.
Oh.
Maryann, it's not fair.
I've been single over a year, dating nothing but boring middle-aged men.
The second I start seeing my ex-husband in walks Rick, and it's not just physical.
He's smart and sensitive OK, it's a little physical.
I understand.
You care for Ira but you're attracted to Rick.
I feel like I'm being tested.
I hate tests.
Tests suck.
Cybill, we've known each other a long time You know me better than anyone.
Yes, I do.
But you don't need my advice.
In your heart of hearts you know the right thing to do.
Yeah, I guess.
Jump that boy and use him till there's nothing left but an empty husk.
Serves me right.
- (Doorbell) - Trust me on this.
Go.
Enjoy.
Breed a master race.
Hey, nosy lady, you like to peek? Here, take a picture, it'll last longer.
(Chuckles) If you insist.
This is gonna make a fabulous Christmas card.
Say cheese! Y'know, I'm thinking, in the kitchen scene what if instead of the whole kissing, embracing thing on the counter, we just look at each other really intensely.
It says here, "They kiss passionately".
That's only a suggestion from the writer, you can ignore that.
I get it.
This is about yesterday, isn't it? Well, sort of.
Rick, listen Hey, Cyb, I gotta talk to you.
- Not now, Jeff, we're rehearsing.
- Yeah, right, rehearsing.
- This is important.
- I'll be right back.
Sorry to drag you away from Rick the Barbarian.
What's so important? - Where's Rachel? - She went out for pizza.
And yogurt, and corn dogs.
Why? Our son-in-law called - she's not here because he's out of town.
They had a fight, she walked out on him.
Oh, I should've known, she's been acting really strange lately.
I couldn't tell if it was because of her marriage or because we're out of pudding pops.
- Rick, hi! What are you doing here? - Oh, um Oh, that's right, you're rehearsing.
Silly me, I completely forgot you were coming over.
Sit.
So what d'you think? About? - You did something different with your hair? - Oh, you noticed! I tried something new.
I was thinking of cutting it.
Don't you dare.
It's beautiful how it frames your face.
Oh, stop I also got new conditioner, feel it.
Obviously, I'm gonna have to talk to her.
- Why do you always do that? - Do what? Cut me out of the parenting.
I'm her father, you know.
I could talk to her too.
Jeff, she's having marital problems.
All you know about marital problems is how to cause them.
(Rachel) Oh, God, Rick, that feels so good! My sister was pregnant and I did this for her all the time.
Hey, hey, what's going on here? - Rick was just rubbing my shoulders.
- I know that game.
Start there and who knows where it ends up.
Right, actor boy? - No, I was - You know what, Rick has to leave now.
- Hope I haven't caused a problem.
- You're not the problem.
- Can we get together later? - That's another problem.
- I don't understand.
- Let's talk out here.
Jeff, I'll be right back.
Get Rachel a cupcake.
Quick! You daughter's really sweet.
As long as we keep her fed.
Rick, you know I like you a lot.
That's good, cos you know how I feel.
Yes, I do.
Please don't.
You and I can't have this relationship.
- Because? - Because, well, - first of all there's the age thing.
- What age thing? Boy, I really do like you.
The truth is, I'm dating my ex-husband.
Not the one in there who wants to kill you, the small, nervous one from the other night.
Rach, if you're having trouble with Kevin it might help to talk.
- To you? - Why not to me? Geez, what is it with everybody? I'm a person, I can listen.
I can advise.
Come on, tell Daddy all about it.
OK.
The other day I had six samples of wallpaper for the baby's room.
- Mm-hm.
- So, I go in, show Kevin.
He says, "You choose, they're all nice.
" Can you believe it? But why should he care, I'm just a fat He thinks I'm disgusting! (Weeps) Uh Rachel, Rachel I know how to hang wallpaper.
(Wails) - We can at least work together? - No, I'm gonna quit the play.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Trust me, it's for the best.
And there's plenty of time to replace me.
- Nobody could replace you.
- I know.
Goodbye, Rick.
Bye.
Phooey! (Whimpers) (Sighs) So, this is really not about the wallpaper? Naaaaaghhh! Oh, great! Cybill Cybill, talk to her, would ya? Rachel, calm down, honey.
Honey, Mommy's here.
I think I know what's wrong.
- Kevin's not paying you enough attention? - Right.
And you don't feel attractive to him any more? Flirting with Rick made you feel both desirable and guilty? He thinks I'm beautiful.
Because you are, and Kevin, I'm sure, thinks so too.
He never says so.
OK, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go upstairs to my room and get all comfy.
I'm gonna rub your neck and tell you how horrible you father was - when I was pregnant with you.
- Really? Yes, honey.
Yes, sweetheart, yes I coulda done that.
- Hi.
- What did I do now? Nothing.
I wanted to talk to you about dinner last night.
Well, after you left I had decaf cappuccino with the waiter.
He's had a very hard life, you know.
It wasn't the evening I had planned either, I hate fighting.
- Me too.
- So I've decided to forgive you.
Really? Thanks.
Wait, you forgive me? I forgive you, you forgive me, what's the difference? Call me petty, but I think there's a distinction.
OK, I was wrong last night but I was reacting to the old Ira who was jealous and condescending about my career but you've changed.
You're supportive and understanding.
I appreciate that.
Wait, let's go back to, "You were wrong".
I value our relationship and I'm committed to giving it a chance.
- Yeah, yeah, but you were wrong.
- Yes, I was wrong.
I didn't screw up this time, I am blameless and innocent.
- You're gonna milk this dry.
- You better believe it, I wondered what I did wrong half the night, but it was nothing.
I did nothing wrong.
Hey, world! I'm not guilty! All right, all right.
Can we move on? Certainly.
Next on the agenda is begging for forgiveness.
Or, remember how we used to make up? Ohh, I get it.
After all this, "Let's take it slow, sleeping together would be a mistake", now you wanna hop in the sack to get off the hook.
It's not gonna be that easy.
If you want me, you're going to have to woo me.
- Woo you? - Yes, woo me.
Call me up, ask me out, wine me, dine me.
Then, maybe, you can have your way with me.
OK, Ira, if that's what you want, I'll call you.
Fine, maybe I'll be home.
I am the stupidest man in the entire world.
(Cybill) Don't go away, we'll be right back.
Rachel, that's great! A few days in Palm Springs is just what you and Kevin need.
What? I can't understand you, put down the chicken leg.
Oh, honey, don't cry, I didn't mean you were fat.
OK.
Have fun, call me when you get back.
I love you too.
Bye.
Poor Kevin.
They'll work things out.
Two kids in love, about to become parents.
Look, she left a potato chip.
So, heard from young Rick lately? No.
They recast the older woman, so I guess he's busy rehearsing.
- How busy? - Forget it.
Rick's a sweet person.
He just got a little confused.
I only hope it doesn't take him too long to get over me.
You know, I really am attracted to you.
I just hope we're not letting emotions from the play spill over into our personal lives.
Who cares, darling? Come to Zsa Zsa.