Dead Like Me s01e11 Episode Script

How we choose to move through life is maybe as important as where we go.
Whoever first said it's the journey, not the destination, never took the bus.
One meaning of the word "commute" is "to shorten a prison sentence".
Commuting is a prison sentence.
Freedoms are being systematically stripped away: your freedom of space, freedom of information, freedom of smell.
It would be enough to kill me if I weren't already dead.
I know what I'm talking about.
Who does he think he is, trying to talk to me like that? - "Where the heart is in Honduras.
Four.
" - Casa.
- Nice work, peanut.
- Are you wearing a fragrance this morning? It's orange juice.
I hate the bus.
- Public transportation is the great equaliser.
- Fuck equal.
- Steal a car.
- What about a bicycle? I once had Dorothy's bike from The Wizard Of Oz.
- I knew someone from the props department.
- You mean you blew somebody? Knew, blew, "tomayto, tomahto".
Once Judy died, I didn't want it any more so I sold it at an auction.
Speaking of death, let's get to work.
- Gwen Isle.
That's, like, a three-hour drive.
- Plus the ferry.
What? Hang on, two souls.
Where the fuck is Roxy? She's needed elsewhere.
Just worry about yourself, huh? - Three-hour drive and a fucking ferry! - You got two Post-its, but one address.
Oh.
Well, what does that mean? Murder, suicide, double murder, what? Three hours apart.
That's all I got.
- Gwen Isle's beautiful.
- So let's swap.
- No trading.
- No trading.
- Right, that's it.
- What about mine? - Yeah.
- I don't have a Post-it for you yet.
You're way too concerned with other people's schedules.
- Bike's a good idea.
- I had a bike.
Red.
And cool.
Mom, I can do this.
Hands off! I'm doing it.
I'm doing it! And I'm never coming back! Now it belongs to my little sister.
Could you pick up some Tater Tots tonight for dinner? - Will we see you tonight for dinner? - I'll let you know as soon as I know.
JD, want some toast? He doesn't want any toast, Reggie.
He wants bacon.
I don't know how great an idea it is to feed the dog at the table.
He needs his own snacks.
Don't you, buddy? Hey, buddy! How would you like a doggy door? I bought you one.
Would you like to come in and go out as you please? Smoochie.
- Smoochie.
Dad, don't be such a tool.
- Reggie! - Huh.
- It's more than I make in two months.
Well, part-time, entry level.
What are you gonna do? If I were someone else? Introduce myself.
- You been checking the job postings? - No.
Oh, I guess you're heading towards full-time Happy Time.
No.
I was gonna say I saw a new posting for a great gig that pays really well.
- Get you that bike in a few weeks.
- Why wouldn't you take the job? I just got here, so They're looking for someone with slightly more seniority.
Someone slightly cuter, I guess.
Wait a minute.
Can you show me the webpage with the posting? Sure.
I'm Josh.
I don't understand, Millie.
You've already contacted the employer? I didn't.
Um, Josh called him.
Who is Josh? Never mind.
What did the employer say? - Yes.
- Yes what? He said yes, I'm hired.
I didn't do anything.
Josh did everything.
Does Josh know you're a valued employee? That's very nice of you, Delores, but I thought I'd just look for something more living wage-ish.
I wanna buy a bike.
I wanna ride in the Kentucky Derby but you don't see me in racing silks.
- Well, when do they want you to begin? - Tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Interesting.
Well, GFY.
Good for you.
Looks like I've got a going-away party to organise.
Excuse me.
GFM.
Good for me.
He may be the one who bought this door, but I'm the one who's putting it in.
I'm betting you're smart enough to figure that out, JD.
Am I right? Well, don't say I never give you anything.
Hey! It works.
JD? JD? JD! Fuck me! Hello? C Friedman? - It's Chris.
- Well, good morning, Chris.
- How did you get in here? - Took the stairs, silly.
- And you are? - I'm Daisy.
Daisy Adair.
- I'm a patron of the arts.
- Oh.
That's too bad.
Now, how on earth could meeting me be bad? Because people who call themselves patrons generally want to talk about what a painting is worth, rather than what they see and feel.
Wouldn't one consider both: art and value? Sounds reasonable enough.
Nothing about painting is reasonable.
- How much? - How much? As in, how much did I wanna paint that? How much pain was I in doing it? How much joy when it was done? - Is that what you mean? - Yeah.
- How much? - It's not for sale.
- Doesn't your gallery set a price? - I don't have a gallery.
That's ridiculous.
Your work is It's pretty good.
- I mean, it could sell.
- That's not why I do it.
Besides, the gruesome truth is nothing really sells until after the artist kicks it.
Hah.
I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get back to work.
I'm sorry I can't sell you anything.
These things have a way of sorting themselves out.
I like that painting.
Suddenly this was it.
Moving day.
And everyone seemed to know.
Cake requests? Yes.
Let there be no cake.
If you can make a giant sandwich, why can't you make a giant quesadilla? Give me some prices on renting a burro.
Pass out the party memos.
Talk to her and get back to me pronto.
Tell him it's Delores and I will eat his balls for breakfast if he disappoints me.
Pick up the cake and I will reimburse you from petty cash.
Here's the key to the store room.
Piñata on the third shelf.
- I don't want a party.
- You're going away.
That merits a party.
It's just really unnecessary.
You're a member of the Happy Time family.
Happy Time has been your home.
- I don't know if I'd actually call it home.
- Obviously you don't.
Not any more.
And we'll all miss you.
I hadn't been able to call Happy Time home but other people didn't seem to have that problem.
I guess making work like home made work feel a little less like work.
Hi.
Hi.
This is for your stuff.
- Thanks.
- We're really gonna miss you.
Thanks.
I'm Stephanie.
Millie.
I am not imagining this.
- We've been here already.
- I'm aware of that! Circle round again in case he decides to come home on his own.
- How did he get out? - Hole in the fence in the back yard.
- So fucking stupid! - Mom.
Mom.
What? It's not your fault.
JD! - Hi.
- I'm looking for a C Bond.
I'm Cary Bond.
Would this household like to participate in a survey? - Let me check.
Henry? - Honey? Would this household like to participate in a survey? - Is he cute? - Well, it's not bad.
- Is he clean? - It's English.
Oh, well ask him if he wants a cosmo.
- God save the Queen.
- Not today, sir.
OK, here it comes.
Everyone sneaks away and you pretend you don't notice and then they call you with a cheesy excuse.
Millie, can you come to reception to sign for a package, please? It's exactly how they did it for Indira's birthday.
Surprise! # For she's a jolly good fellow # For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow The song will end eventually.
Just keep smiling.
# Which nobody can deny # Blow.
- I think I'm gonna miss you the most.
- Anybody seen the burro? Excuse me.
Excuse me! What the hell's going on here? You're done here, handsome.
Now skedaddle, go, shoo.
Oh I have a straggler.
What do you two describe your television viewing habits as? I'll take that one! Mostly we're in the bedroom, sometimes on the sofa.
We had such a fight over putting a TV in the bedroom.
He is talking about what we watch.
Jesus, it's embarrassing.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- What do you two watch, then? - Trading Spaces, Sports Center - Peter Jennings.
He's probably out of your league and not in your team.
In my time, I bet I could have convinced him.
What do you think, Harry? I think fewer onions in there or you're gonna screw it up.
- Which one of you is the woman? - What? Jesus.
We're lifelong companions.
We're two gay men.
- One of us for longer than the other.
- I screwed one woman when I was 19.
And I haven't heard the end of it for 30 years.
How did you like that, fucking a woman? About as much as she liked fucking me, I suppose.
Good answer.
Mm.
Nice.
So, is this survey over? Are we finished? Yeah, just about.
No, no.
No.
- What's the problem? - He's over there.
- I see him.
What's the problem? - I think he's got a crush on me.
- C Friedman, I take it? - Chris.
Listen, I understand she's an appealing girl.
Not my type.
Nonetheless, you're supposed to move on.
She took my painting.
It's good.
Is it the house you grew up in? Kind of a self-portrait, huh? I don't want her to have it.
Chris Now, forgive my boldness You're not gonna need the painting.
It needs to hang in a place with the right light.
She's gonna sell it.
I can't compel her.
Well, I'm not moving on.
I'm not going anywhere, not until she gives it back.
I can't be responsible for every soul who wants a piece of me.
What d'you think you're doing? You think it's a game? That every life you stroll through is a grab-bag for you? - I hardly think - Yes, and that's the problem.
We have work to do.
You, you're an acquisitive one.
When your acquisitiveness interferes with my schedule, things start to come undone.
It's not my fault he has feelings for me.
Princess, he's got feelings, but they're not for you.
I've had enough of this shit.
- Rube, what are you gonna do about him? - Your straggler, your problem.
Eugh! JD? - What you doing, Reg? - Drawing.
- Is that a picture of JD? - Yes.
That looks great! Let's put it up on the wall right now.
It's not done.
- Delicious.
What do you call that? - Beef stew.
Except there's no beef in it.
- Because of Henry's cholesterol.
245.
- It's borderline high.
- It's a heart attack waiting to happen.
- Probably not.
Why is it that queers .
.
you, er, homosexual people have always got nice things? I, uh I believe it's called "taste".
Henry and I like to travel.
- The Orient, mostly.
- We've fallen in love with Japan.
Yes, I wish I had a beautiful Japanese garden here.
We like gardens.
Don't say anything stupid about gay men and gardening.
A Japanese garden would be nice but this is our home.
We have what we have.
You two have a beautiful home together.
Yes, we do.
- Thank you for my meal.
- You're welcome.
I have to brush my teeth.
His cholesterol level is 245, he eats chocolate croissants for breakfast and all he gives a shit about is tartar build-up.
And that is not very nice.
Henry can be a little sensitive sometimes.
Yeah, we all can.
Cary, time to put the tea on.
JD? - This is a lost cause.
- Well, maybe we should split up.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
You go, but you better find yourself one hell of a lawyer.
Split up to find the dog.
Oh.
That's a good idea.
Oh, no.
Thank you.
It's just a little tab you put on your tongue.
You know, I feel my current reality is altered enough.
- I did one.
- GFY.
- Let's look out for each other today, OK? - OK.
I was starting to get the feeling from Delores that, emotionally at least, there were easier ways for me to get a new bike.
I know you don't like it, but I'm gonna hang onto the painting for a few months, find a buyer and collect a bundle.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You don't care about art.
Do you know what it means to care about art? Pardon me, I am an actress! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, that's not right.
- He just slipped on on the floor? - Yeah.
You can You can see where he skidded there.
This is as dangerous as a bathroom.
- A lot of people die in the kitchen.
- Die? Are you sure he's dead? - Can you feel a pulse? - Um - Then he's dead, yeah? - What do I do? You can call the police or fire brigade.
Phone the hospital if you don't believe me he's dead.
I mean what do I do? I mean, what am I supposed to do? Tell him not to do anything.
I know what this man is gonna do.
You have him call our friend Linda.
This man cannot be left alone.
Thank you, Mason.
You can go now.
Actually, I can't leave.
Not just yet.
Who are you? Because you're not here about any survey, are you? No.
I'm not here to hurt you and I didn't I didn't hurt your friend.
I promise he slipped.
It was an accident.
There's no reason to be afraid.
I won't harm you.
Who the fuck are you? - You must have been really important here.
- Uh, no.
- Come on.
Look at all this.
- The work of Delores.
She must really care for you to send you off like this.
Please.
Delores cares about Happy Ti - Have you seen the burro? - I think he's I was talking to Josh.
- I haven't seen the burro.
- Thanks.
She hates me.
Actually, I think it's just the opposite.
Hey, where is the burro? I was in Banana Republic rearranging men's jeans.
Some fuckwit organised them according to in-seam.
This gentleman asks me for help.
He thought I worked there! Anyway, his name's Tito and he's a sailor.
He served in the Gulf of Mexico.
Coastguard off Biloxi.
Are you worried he has a gal in every port? - Or that he's one of the Jackson Five? - I don't get what you mean.
Delores, I was wondering if you and I I mean, you seem a little upset.
I think Stephanie is missing.
Who's looking out for Stephanie? Someone agreed to look out for Stephanie tonight.
That would be me.
Here, buddy! JD! JD? JD? Goddamn dog.
It turns out that certain remarks, like, "Let's look out for each other", had a special significance here at Happy Time.
I can't find it, I can't find it.
Stephanie? I can't I can't find it.
- You can't find what? - Blue.
Red's taken it over.
- Red got blue? - Red's been attacking all the colours.
- We've gotta stop it.
- We do? Yellow's next.
It doesn't stand a chance.
Poor yellow.
- Why don't we go for a walk? - No.
No walk.
I'm gonna call the colour police.
Hello.
I'd like to report a colour crime in progress.
I'm on hold.
- Did you check the alley behind Octavia? - No, I didn't.
- I'll go check over there.
- You do that.
- You cannot let him do this.
- It's not my job.
You cannot let him go through with this.
The truth is, what I cannot do is stop him.
Oh, my God.
I told him that was always my favourite suit of his.
You have to stop him.
No! Please, stop him! - Henry.
- What? The business with the knife, you might want to rethink that.
Why would I rethink this? I am not getting into bed tonight without him.
And I am not waking up tomorrow without him.
I won't.
I can't.
We were gonna go to Kyoto in the fall.
They have beautiful gardens there.
And I won't go without Cary.
Tell him to take the pills in my medicine cabinet.
The ones on the right.
Henry Have you thought about taking pills instead? Because I know it's a lot less .
.
messy.
And a bit more kind of peaceful.
And that is a really lovely suit.
- It was Cary's favourite.
- Yeah.
- Pills? - The ones on the right.
The ones on the right-hand side.
Thank you.
Enjoy the watch.
- I - No, no.
No.
We want you to have it.
Now, can we get me off the floor? Do you mind? Good luck, Millie.
Take care, Millie.
You still do good work even though you're away.
Thank you.
I thought you and George could use a bit more space.
- Nice watch.
- Thank you.
It was a gift.
- Are you gay? - No.
That's very sweet.
Millie, when one of the Happy Time family members decides to up and leave, well, we all pitch in.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
It's a bicycle bell.
Josh seemed to think it was appropriate.
Speech! Speech! - No, no.
But thank you.
- Well, then I'll make one.
Millie has been with us long enough to make her mark.
And though Happy Time will no longer be her office home .
.
we'll think of her fondly and wish her So this is your new house.
Yes.
And I've had a very long day and I really need to get my beauty sleep.
What are you doing with that? You have no idea how to hang a painting, do you? You don't know where the light is.
Daisy, do you know how long I worked on that painting? Two years.
The day I finished it I cried because I realised I'd finally made something outside of myself.
You wouldn't know about that, would you? This is the best room.
That window faces south.
It catches the light.
If you don't mind my saying, you could use more light.
That's crazy.
I'm as light as a feather.
Light as a feather.
No.
There's more.
But you have to try harder.
Wait.
Where are you going? I thought you didn't want me to have it.
I just figured it out.
I painted it for you.
I was exhausted.
But for some reason I couldn't go straight home.
Maybe I couldn't handle Daisy.
Maybe it was because the Wafflehaus felt more like home than any other.
Coffee, hon? - What time is it? - 6.
45.
- Morning? - Yeah.
Morning.
I gotta go.
It was the first day of the rest of my life.
Sort of.
I guess I was moving on.
Another step, a new experience.
Hi.
I'm Millie, the new hire.
Oh.
I'd be happy to read them.
Maybe we could talk about what my job entails? So this was my new home.
Well, nice and quiet.
No one to bug me.
And I can see he shares my opinion of office stuff.
I-E.
So this was my new experience.
I think there's a quality-of-life issue here.
Or maybe an absence-of-life issue.
Either way, this doesn't feel like I don't know, home.
Jesus! Lunch break from the day job, peanut? There is no job.
No job.
No money.
No bike.
Try something new, get fucked, rinse, repeat.
I love flea markets.
I once found a vintage Fender.
It was four bucks.
The guy had no idea what he was sitting on.
You know the best thing about flea markets? Gotta get up early.
Sleep late, nothing there but junk.
- Why are you telling me this? - I love to get up early.
What's that over there? - It's beautiful.
- It's yours.
Here.
Oh, no.
I know I just took a break but I'm really not in the mood to take a soul.
George, it's not an assignment.
It's your new address.
Daisy asked me to give it to you.
- Have a great day.
- Oh.
- Well, good morning.
- Hi.
- This is Mason's place.
- He traded with us.
- Why? - I don't know.
He just seemed all sweet.
- Is he on drugs? - Normally I would say yes.
He said if we're living together it'd be nice for us to have a nicer place.
What's wrong with you? You seem sweet.
- Your room's upstairs.
- Probably a coal cellar.
- Where's your room? - It's in the back.
It has a nice window but yours is bigger.
I thought you'd like it.
But you can choose.
- God, she's a good actress.
- I'll take the big one.
Then we're set.
- Oh.
Where's my? - Don't worry, your frog's here.
It's home.
And so are you, honey.
Travelling alone holds a certain magic, a feeling you don't get when you're forced to ride with the herd.
JD! JD! What are you doing here? Then again, maybe the herd has something to offer, something I hadn't figured out yet.
All right, name the five Great Lakes.
OK.
Michigan, Ontario Right? Superior Your dad's good at this.
- What are the other ones? - I'm late.
- Michigan.
- She said that one already.
Mom! JD! It's Hi! Wow.
Hey, buddy, I was so worried! It was stupid to put in that doggy door before I fixed the fence.
So stupid.
- Dad.
- What? Never mind.
Tomorrow I'll go to Happy Time, tail between my legs, and ask Delores for my old job.
Maybe dogs always do come back home.
Maybe without even knowing exactly what home looks like or where home might be, there's a mysterious draw.
Maybe the point of continuing to move through life, and death, was to find it.
ww.
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