Dharma & Greg s01e11 Episode Script

-Sorrywe're late, Dharma.
- That's okay.
- Where is everybody? - Not here.
- So, we're not late.
- No, I just don't think anybody's coming.
- So we are late.
- Larry, it doesn't matter ifwe're late.
Then why did we rush? What's goin' on? Well, everyweek I've been losing more and more students to that stupid self-defense class across the hall and, now, look.
Hey, we're still youryoga students.
We'll even pay ifyou want.
- We don't pay? - No.
We don't pay.
Then what does it matter ifwe're late? You know what, guys? I think I'm just gonna cancel class for today.
- Aw, Dharm, you're sure? - Yeah.
Might as well.
I mean, there are lots of other things I can be doin' anyway.
Dharma, I'm seeing feelings, but I'm not hearing them.
[ Sobs .]
I'm a bad teacher.
No! No! You're a good teacher.
Aw, sweetie, go ahead and cry it out.
- No, I don't wanna cry.
- Crying is part ofthe healing process when you cry over loss.
Rememberwhen you were a little girl and the ice cream truck hit Doobie and we cried and cried? Doobie died? You told meyou took him to a farm.
I didn't want to upsetyou, Larry.
[ Sobs .]
I really loved that dog.
We all loved that dog.
[ Sobs .]
I miss my class.
Of courseyou do, baby.
Of courseyou do.
[ Sobs .]
Do-Do-Doobie! - Doobie! - [ All Sobbing .]
[ Sports Announcer, Indistinct .]
Haveyou ever seen a game like this? - I've never seen a game like this.
- This is an incredible game.
- And how about this pizza? - Best pizza I ever had.
Extra cheese, extra sauce, extra crust.
It's like two pizzas.
I tell ya, I am in heaven.
[ Sobbing .]
Crying woman, man.
I gotta go.
Dharma, what's the matter? [ Babbling .]
What? - What? - Everybody quit her class to take self-defense.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
[ Mumbling .]
It's okay.
[ Mumbling .]
It's just the universe trying to tell me something.
It's okay.
It's just the universe trying to tell her something.
Trying to tell herwhat? [ Rhythmic Sobbing .]
[ Babbles .]
"Dharma sucks.
" Good luck.
That's not true, sweetie.
[ Babbles .]
"Where did Pete go?" - [ Babbles .]
- "Come back, Pete.
" - [ Loud Sobbing .]
- Tell her he, uh can't stand to be around crying women.
[ Babbles .]
She speaks English.
- You gonna be okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm all cried out.
Areyou sure? 'Cause we really don't have to do this.
- No, I know, but I thinkyour mother's counting on us.
- Dharma, there'll be a lot of people at the fund-raiser.
She won't even notice ifwe don't show up.
But, Greg, what if everybody says that and no one comes? It happens, you know.
I mean, even when you know it's not your fault there's this little voice insideyour head- It's loud for a little voice- and it says you're just a big honkin' loser.
- Honey- - No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Blah! Come on! Oh, God.
Ah, Dharma, Gregory.
I'm so glad you could come.
It's, uh, quite a turn out you have here, Mother.
Well, you know, I always say, you give people what theywant, you can't keep them away.
What are you saying, I'm just a big loser? - Well, I- - Hey, Dad, come over here and say hello.
Greg, Dharma, glad you could make it.
Dharma, aren'tyou supposed to be at whatchamacallit class? - "Yoga," Edward.
Yoga.
- Right.
Yoga.
You know, I was just reading an article in Business Week that says yoga is pretty popular, ifyou can believe the liberal press.
- Hey, you know what? I'm ready for some opera.
Are you? - Mm-hmm.
Dharma's a big fan of opera.
Oh, that's so nice to hear.
So many young people today have no class.
[ Sobs .]
No class.
- [ Sighs .]
- Let's go, Mom.
Bang a gong.
Let's rock the house.
He's been with her too long.
- Edward- - Uh, let me just get another drink.
You have a drink.
- No, I don't.
- Please.
All right everyone, we are about to begin.
Please takeyour seats.
- [ Exhales .]
- You're doin' great, honey.
Yeah, I know.
Yoga's not the only thing I can do.
I do a really good impression ofa fettuccine noodle.
Wanna see? [ Sobs .]
I bet somebody's gotta want that.
Thankyou all so very much for being here fiorbeingso generous withyour donations to the opera and I want to remind you for every thousand dollars you get to join the golden circle.
And for $1 0,000 you get to wear an iron hat and be part ofthe show.
Amusing as ever, Edward.
Now, without further ado, I want to introduce toyou San Francisco's very own "Soprana Divina" - Odetta Sanderford.
- Sanderford.
Excuse me.
- [ Piano: Classical .]
- [ "Un Bel Di" .]
You know, I don't know much Italian but I think it's about a happyyoung boy and a chocolate cake.
No, it's not.
It's about a woman whose lover leaves her pregnant- [ Sobs .]
and then she kills herself.
Well, still it's pretty bouncy, considering.
- [ Sobs .]
- [ Continues .]
Hey, Dharma, look.
[ Laughs .]
Cut it out.
I'm not looking.
[ Laughing Loudly.]
- [ Stops .]
- He was singing with his hands.
- [Laughing.]
- Does this mean she starts over? [ Laughing .]
[Laughing.]
Oh, myGod! Your mom is gonna be so mad atyou.
Me? You're the one that started laughing.
Yeah, you're the one who married me.
You know that's what really grinds her.
That's true.
Oh.
[ Yelps .]
- [ Chuckles .]
God, that was so much fun! - [ Laughs .]
Yeah.
And I thought the evening was going to be a total disaster.
I'm glad you're back.
[ Sighs .]
You know what, Greg? I don't have to teach yoga.
I think I'm gonna go over there tomorrow and just clean out my locker and get on with my life.
Good foryou.
- Ifyou don't stop that, I'm gonna biteyour nose.
- Stop what? Ow! [Man Shouts .]
- [ Shouts .]
- [ Groans .]
Okay.
You've immobilized your attacker.
What's next? - [ All .]
Cause pain! - That's right.
Very good.
Now I want everybody to feel the fleshy area under the chin.
You apply a little bit of pressure there and you can make Mr.
Mugger buyyou dinner and driveyou home.
- [ Gagging .]
- Now ifyou reallywant to have some fun you can bust through the soft tissue right about there hookyour thumb in under the bone - and you've gotyourselfa puppet show.
- [ Gagging .]
All right, I want every one to go home tonight and practice that on a loved one.
Seey'all tomorrow.
Thanks for helping out.
Hi, I'm Dharma.
- Nice to meetyou, Dharma.
Spyder.
- Spyder? Dharma? Good point.
Um, look, I was just wondering- No, it's too late, class is full.
But I add new ones all the time.
Ifyou want to putyour name on the list over there I'll be sure to giveyou a call ifthere's an opening or an injury.
- Oh, no, I don't want to takeyour class.
- Fine, be a victim.
This is the highest crime area in the city.
"Burglaries, carjackings- Every 20 minutes someone gets mugged.
" - Pretty scary, huh? - Yeah, but it's not true.
But it's still scary.
How can you just make stuff up like that? Well, basicallyyou start with nothing and you just build from there.
Soyou just frightened all my students into taking your class? - Your students? - Yeah, I'm the one who used to teach -theyoga class across the hall.
-Oh, the one that got canceled? Oh, wow, you must be really mad right now.
- Yeah.
- I must really bug you, right? - Yes.
- Well, what areyou gonna do about it? - Um- - Um- [ Imitates Meditative Om .]
U-U-Um.
Boy, lucky foryou I don't believe in violence.
Well, then this is going to come as a big surprise toyou.
[Yells .]
- Hey! - What? Don'tworry about me.
I'm fine.
I don't care ifshe is a martial arts instructor.
A little antifreeze in her coffee and she's begging for the stomach pump just like the rest of us- which is where we come in in our fake paramedic outfits.
Why doyou have fake paramedic outfits? To get into concerts for free.
Duh! Oh, and we're not doing anything to this woman.
The universe will take care ofit.
Dharma, I hate to say this, but I agree with Jane- Not on the psychotic-homicide part but I do think you should do something.
- Why is it psychotic? - Greg, there's nothing I have to do.
I mean, I'm a good teacher.
She's a big liar.
Jeremiah was a bullfrog.
Lather, rinse, repeat- That's it.
Okay, but aren'tyou just a little bit angry? No.
She'll pay for her bad karma eventually.
Everybody does.
It's a scientific fact.
Well, she's got us there.
I feel good about myself.
I can sleep easy tonight.
[ Muttering .]
- [ Breathing Heavily.]
- Dharma! Dharma, wake up.
- [ Greg's Voice .]
You're having a bad dream- - [ Screams .]
[ Spyder's Voice .]
aren'tya, yoga girl? Ha! All right, Spyder, I'm gonna rearrangeyour chakras.
[ Yells .]
I'm not Spyder.
I'm the 1 6th president ofthe United States, Martin Van Buren.
Liar! He was the 8th president.
Wait, how did I know that? [ Both Shout .]
- [Doorbell Rings .]
- Oh, wait.
Can you hang on a sec? - No problem.
- Okay.
Whee! - Are we having sex in this dream? - No, honey, not in this one.
Oh, okay.
Sorry to interrupt, Mr.
President.
Ha! Look, I'm being a fettuccine noodle! - [ Shouts .]
- [ Blathers .]
And I left the marines under suspicious circumstances.
Yeah, well, pasta luego! [Screams .]
What floor do I live on? - [Screaming Continues .]
- [ Singing .]
A happy boy And a chocolate cake Now? No! This isn't a sex dream.
Then why are you dressed as Little Bo Peep? No, I'm- I hate when this happens.
[ Bleating .]
[SpyderScreaming.]
[ Speaking Out OfSync .]
Your pathetic sheepherding style is no match for the Spyder.
Or maybe it is.
Oh, Lord, must I do everything myself? [ Hisses .]
- What areyou doing? - Getting rid ofthe daughter-in-law I never liked.
She doesn't likeyou She never liked you [ Vocalizing .]
Stinky, Nunzio! Get the kitty! - Oh, this is absurd! - Get the kitty! [ Barking .]
[ Growls .]
[ Speaking Out OfSync .]
Nowyou will pay foryour lies and fabrications.
[ Shouting .]
[ Screaming .]
I'm dreadfully unhappy and nobody knows it I'm a self-loathing macho thug Who needs some love somewarmth - [ Holds Note.]
- Oh.
Aw.
Come h- [Screaming.]
Don't worry, Dharma.
Daddy's here.
Oh, Daddy! She's being so mean to me.
What do I do? All I'm saying is give peace a chance.
Good idea.
Ow.
Peace.
[ Sobbing, Babbling .]
What's Pete saying? "Why did this have to happen? It was such a waste.
" [ Babbling .]
And he hates his hair.
And, so, once again yoga has triumphed over mindless violence and the people ofthe village are safe! [ All .]
Yea.
So, now ifyou'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have sex with my husband.
Okay, Greg, now! Readywhen you are, baby.
Wait a minute, you're not Greg.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
So, what doya think? Well, I think it's interesting thatyou had a dream with everyone in it butyour own mother.
Abby, come on.
What does it mean? I thinkyou still have a lot of unresolved feelings about this woman stealing your students.
- No, I don't.
- Oh, really? Then how doyou explain this? - [ Screams .]
- I was hiding in your mother [ Both Shout.]
[ Muttering .]
Dharma, wake up.
You're havin' a bad dream.
- I was? - Doyou want to talk about it? - No, we need to fool around.
- Need to? Yeah, I just dreamt that I kissed some accountant from outer space.
All right, everybody read this and learn the truth.
There's no burglars, no muggings, no carjackings.
The old people in the neighborhood are not a gang.
Theyjust travel in packs and got a good deal on matching windbreakers.
What the hell doyou thinkyou're doing? Oh, hi.
I decided I had to do something about all your lies.
I think it's timeyou tell all these people the truth about howyou've been deceiving them into taking your class.
All right.
I-I- I thinkyou oughta go.
- No.
- What did you say? - I said, "No.
" - Okay.
Can somebody call an ambulance? See, everybody? She's the only violence in this neighborhood.
[ Muttering .]
Okay, now, I could fight back but that's not the answer! The answer is love and compassion.
Now everybody focus all ofyour love and compassion on Spyder.
- Are you through? - Love.
- Aw, screw it.
- [ Whimpers .]
You're not focusing, people! - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
What happened toyou? I won! - You beat her up? - No, she kicked the hell out of me but I think she broke her pinkie toe on my tush.
So how exactly did you win? Well, I just told my old students the truth.
- So they're comin' back toyour class? - Oh, no.
I think they're a little afraid to drop out ofthat self-defense class.
She's pretty scary.
This is ridiculous.
We have laws.
- She can't intimidate people like that.
- Greg, I'm fine.
I'll just start anotheryoga class as soon as I can, you know, bend.
No.
I'm not going to allow anybody to lay a hand on mywife and get awaywith it.
Well, ifher pinkie toe wasn't broken before, it is now.
It's 4 to 6 Foot!