Dirt (2006) s01e11 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Don Konkey.
Some people think the sex at Dirt Now is a little much.
That's bullshit.
That's my friend and editor Lucy Spiller having sex.
Lucy's stalker left her a photo of her and Holt having, well, sex, which she chose not to share with him.
That's Julia Mallory.
She's been having a trouble getting her career going since she left rehab.
- So, what's the girl's part like? - She's gotta be super young.
I'm gonna get the sex tape back.
Here's the original tape.
I don't think Willa's threesome went over very well with Lucy.
This is your problem.
You need to fix it.
Donny, is that you? Little Lover? I came clean about a secret that's been bothering me for years.
She called me Little Lover.
Your stepmother? I've met her.
Sometimes I liked it.
Don, you know none of that is your fault, right? No, Lucy, I don't.
We all struggle to stay sane.
I'm schizophrenic, so for me it's harder.
I focus on getting the shot.
I focus on getting the story.
- Oh, my God, Don, you're bleeding.
- It's his blood.
I got it on me.
Wait a minute.
Whose blood? Whose blood, Don? Jesus, Don, what did you do? But this shot, this story? It'll wreck me.
This is the story of how it all fell apart.
It's the story of misplaced trust Of deception and betrayal, not by our enemies, but by our friends.
It's the story of America's favorite spoiled celebutantes.
The inseparable Tuesday Nelson and Lulu Cagle, famous for being famous.
We want to shop where they shop party where they party wear what they wear and get up close and personal with Lulu's fiancé, boho artist Tommy Spiro, who pisses on the press, won't sit for an interview and is currently getting it on the side from his true love's best friend forever, Tuesday.
My source is solid.
If we move fast enough, we can expose this little bastard before he ruins this precious friendship.
OK, this is our cover.
Fly, my little monkeys.
Look what somebody threw away.
A perfectly good camera.
- Too bad it's got shit all over it.
- No, no, no, no! It's our yard! You don't litter in our yard, homes.
Huh? Remember these two faces.
I don't want to see you around here again.
Oh, no, my camera! My camera MTV is auctioning off props from I want to do a "best of" list.
OK, I'll have one of the interns go through the DVDs.
- No, I want you to do it.
- That's busy work.
Then get busy.
Already? I don't pay you enough.
- I didn't get everything you need.
- No, you didn't.
- Don, I need her with Tommy.
- I'm going back.
- All right, I'm sorry.
I love you.
- Ow! What? I fell over.
- You fell over? - No.
It was a couple of guys.
- It's not a great neighborhood.
- You got mugged? I'm OK, but they took my camera.
All right, we'll take care of it.
Here, Don.
I want you to carry this.
It's a stun gun, 300,000 volts.
- OK? - No, Lucy, you keep it.
It's all right, it's my spare.
It's OK.
How does it feel? I don't know, and you don't need to find out.
Don! This will mess with your nervous system.
Please, I'm serious.
Don't play with it.
- OK.
- Don I know.
All right, just this once while I'm here.
Just on the leg! - Ow! - Oh, God.
Ow! Ow.
- Fun's over.
- OK.
Thanks, Lucy.
Oh, God.
How do you want to do this? I don't know.
Battery acid? It never was.
We won't talk about it.
Pinky swear.
Come on, pinky swear.
Like Men in Black with the flashing light that erases your memory? Yep.
Or we could just burn it.
Your turn.
Easy there, tough guy.
- Is that it? - I think so.
Unless you have something else you want to break.
What else you got? - Hey, my brother.
- Hey.
- Tuesday and Lulu in the house? - For sure.
- Tommy? - Nope.
Lulu tossed this though.
You know that show they're doing, right? Got today's call times.
- Hundred bucks.
- Fifty? OK.
Thanks.
Want to buy a security tape? - No.
- Celebrity upskirts.
I'm good.
Don Konkey.
You hear about this psycho? He cut off his pinky for a cover shot.
Spiller's got you by the balls, donkey boy! Hey, assface! How much you'd get for your little finger? The bitch pay up? Collin De Quisto.
Last sale, Jessica on the beach, $1,000, nonexclusive.
If you'd stayed longer that day, you'd have got her and Nick's reunion.
Bauer-Griffin got $50,000 for that.
Double with international syndication.
That's your problem.
You got no follow-through.
Screw you, Konkey! Remember these two faces.
Tina Harrod pulled her cover on Denise Richards.
I can't confirm it, but I'm guessing Tu-Lu and Tommy.
- Does she have pictures? - Called around the agencies.
Nothing's come in, but my source says she's holding the cover open.
- She seems pretty confident.
- Well, it's not over yet.
What's the name of that animal charity that Tuesday fronts? Friends of Fin, Feathers and Fur.
They raised $25,000 in a day for a duckling that had its neck broken by a beer bottle.
If only the homeless were a little cuter and fuzzier.
- You want me to squeeze the charity.
- I know, however will I sleep? Mr.
Konkey? Mr.
Konkey? I found this out there in front of the store.
Is it yours? No.
My name's Marqui.
How come you don't shoot digital? That's not my lens cap.
Yeah, I know.
You get lots of covers.
I've heard of you.
I was just thinking, do you ever Need somebody to carry your stuff, or No.
I don't want anything, any money or anything.
I just want to learn.
Mr.
Romero wants to talk to you.
Don't, it's G-13 Pictures.
- Is he with you? - No.
Get lost.
Get in.
Never mind.
The mountain will come to Mr.
Konkey.
Sorry my shooters roughed you up.
Ozzy Romero.
You know, we're a new agency.
We need to make a splash.
We own this story.
Now you need to find another one.
Now if you want to stick with this job, you're working for me.
Get whatever he shot.
Ah! - Give it to me.
- OK.
OK.
Here you go.
I got a job.
Let me know if you change your mind.
I'll throw in a bonus to cover the damages to your car.
- You want some of that? - Hey! Hey! Hey! I press "send" and your license plates go to the police.
You got my number.
You need me to give you a ride? OK.
Here, let me help you with your bags.
Wow.
Is this yours? - Mm-hmm.
- Photoshop? No.
- Don? - Oh, hey, Lucy.
This yours? He gave me a ride 'cause those guys wrecked my car.
Marqui Jackson.
It's a pleasure, Miss Spiller.
OK.
What? The guys who mugged you? Mm-hmm.
They're photographers.
- Ozzy Romero, G-13 Pictures.
- Ozzy hires gang-bangers, Miss Spiller.
I gave you a stun gun.
Use it.
Yeah, there were four of them.
I think he did the right thing.
There's a kitchen over there.
Why don't you help yourself? Don, come here.
How's your shoulder? Did you call the police? Let me deal with that.
OK.
Here's Tuesday's cell-phone number.
What else do you need? A new windshield, tempered glass and two new tires and and and and little Tristan needs worming.
All right, sweetheart, I meant to finish the story.
And what's with the bag boy? He just wants to learn.
- Marcus! Oh.
- Marqui.
Come on in.
OK, you do food runs, carry his bags.
You drive him around.
He wants you to worm his kitty, you worm his kitty.
- You work for Dirt.
Don't screw up.
- Yes, ma'am.
I mean, no, ma'am.
We're down to the wire.
Do what you have to do.
- Anything short of murder is fine.
- OK.
Don, I'm just kidding.
Just get the shot.
OK.
Hey, Chuck, it's me.
Do you know a gang-banger by the name of Ozzy Romero? If you'd like to leave a message, press one.
If you'd like to page this person, press two.
- What are you doing? - T uesday's voicemail.
Its an Audix system.
I can hack in through the admin box.
There's a default code.
Hey, Tooz, its Teresa, the second AD.
Tomorrow's call pushed to a half an hour.
Hey, Tooz, you really wore me out last night, baby.
Call me.
Miss Nelson, this is Mrs.
Blake from the rental agency.
The house is ready for you, and we've over-nighted the contract.
In case it gets lost, here's the tracking number.
You wanted to see me? Shut the door.
You've got to be kidding me.
That's what you called me in here for? Well, you seemed a little tense today, so You thought bending me over your desk for a round of pump the co-worker would help? I thought you enjoyed our little get-togethers.
I do.
I mean, I did.
I - Did I do something wrong? - Could you just pull up your pants? All I can think of is that you're out of toilet paper.
Look, you're a distraction.
OK? I can't do this anymore.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm out of here.
- Willa, look, come on - No, you're not listening to me.
She's got me watching videos of old reality shows.
This is the editorial equivalent of Chinese water torture.
Look, we had fun.
Let's just call it Call it a day and cash out.
What just like that? Cold turkey? - You don't want to wean off me? - No, look, I told you what I want.
I want to focus on work.
There are plenty of other women in the office who would gladly fill the role.
Terry needs to be followed with a mop every time you walk through.
Well, Terry And frankly, I don't really see myself waking up next to those sideburns for the rest of my life.
Hey.
We're looking for this tracking number.
We have ten minutes.
Well, what are we looking for? Tuesday's moving into a rental house.
I need the address.
- It'll be on the contract.
- Isn't this illegal? No, private businesses handling deliveries are not covered by federal statutes, You know, it's just against company policy.
It is illegal to damage mailboxes and pennies, though.
OK.
At the store, why didn't you shoot Lulu and Tuesday? That's not the story.
Yeah, but wouldn't you want to get the shot? They just shoot.
They don't think.
I got it.
I got it! You know, there used to be rules.
Don't become part of the story.
But they're just You know, they got no patience.
They just rush in without knowing what it is they want to get.
I mean, they get a shot, but they don't get a story.
Stories are better.
You let Ozzy take your film.
Empty rolls.
Always carry empty rolls.
You got something to give to security when they pull you over.
Is that why you don't shoot digital? Oh.
Ozzy's gonna be pissed.
No.
Aw, no! Oh! No.
Tristan! Shh, it's OK, baby.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Daddy's here.
It's OK.
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on.
Mr.
Konkey? Shh.
Shh.
Where were you? I called and called.
You didn't come.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm sorry.
Don't look at me like that.
Shh.
G Go.
Mmm What are you doing? What Don't no.
Put that down! Put it down! - Sorry - Yeah No Damn it, Jason! It's my bathroom, too! You exposed the film.
You've ruined it! I gotta pee! - Go pee outside in the yard.
- What? Jason.
Come here, sweetie.
You get away from him! Do you think I'm pretty? What's the matter, Little Lover? Jealous? Get away from him! You left for college, Don.
What? Did you think I was gonna wait for you? Don? Jason, get away from her! If you touch him, Lynette, I swear to God I'll kill you! Get over here! I swear to God I'll kill you! Jason, get over here! Jason, Come over here! Jason! Get your ass over here! Get over here! Don.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
- Who's Jason? - He's my brother.
I have a brother.
- He's in jail.
- Jason's in Oregon.
It's like jail but with trees.
You miss him? Yeah.
They go over there.
Hey, Kitty Ryder.
Nice.
Do you think Julia could have paid someone to follow you? No, if she thought something was going on, she'd come out and ask.
- She doesn't set people up.
- This is not a set-up.
You have half the photographers in Hollywood on payroll, and you don't know who took this? Yeah, that's bullshit.
You're always laying your traps, aren't you? Spinning your little webs.
And never have I met a more willing fly.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
That's right.
"Paid in full.
" I remember.
Yeah, well, I thought we were done with this.
It's not that easy.
You know what this shit could do to me, right? Do you know it wou Oh, God.
Do you know what it would do to me? Can you stop thinking about yourself for one goddamn second? I am the one being stalked here! I'm the one who has a stranger in their house, taking my picture, following me around when I'm alone, when I'm sleeping and now with you.
I don't even know what he wants or what he's going to do next, and you're thinking about yourself? I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You think I deserve this somehow.
You can go.
You know why I'm the only guy that can make you come? 'Cause I'm the only one that hates you as much as you do.
Really? Or do you just hate the fact that I'm the only one you can be yourself with? It's light out.
Get in the passenger side.
Why? People get nervous when they see a guy sitting in a parked car.
On the passenger side, looks like you're waiting for someone.
Oh.
What if she changed her mind and decided to go somewhere else? How long are you going to wait? Patience, persistence, and point of view.
The three "P"s.
Like the three "R"s, but they're "P"s.
What's the longest you ever waited to get the shot? I don't know.
I don't think about it.
That must be the hardest part of the job, huh? You never get time to sleep.
You're always getting arrested.
People spit on you.
And there's always someone new trying to steal your job.
My cousin, he's a house painter, he was up on a ladder and he saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer sunbathing, and he took a picture with his cell phone and sold it for $5,000.
- Lucky.
- Luck.
It's not one of the three "P"s.
You ever take drugs to stay awake? To stay sane.
I guess it helps to be a little crazy, huh? - It's me.
- Well, I recognize the voice.
You said you didn't want to wake up to sideburns, so That's why? I wanted to show you that I was serious.
Well, I wasn't.
You What? Serious.
About the sideburns.
I mean, I didn't like them, but that wasn't the deal-breaker.
You didn't have to take me literally.
Listen, I got a sales call in San Francisco on Friday.
We could hop the corporate jet, then hop down to this little bed and breakfast in Carmel for the weekend.
No, I don't think so.
- Come on, it'll be fun.
- No.
Come on.
Let's not make this harder.
Would you mind if I showed you some a few pictures that I took? You don't have to.
Just Tell me if they suck.
You got an eye.
This one, the way her hand covers his, the way she leans up on the balls of her feet, she needs him more, and she loves him more.
No, this is good photojournalism.
You got the story.
Yeah? You're not shitting me? I got an eye? That's great, that's great.
Because I mean, I stink at everything else.
So this is it.
It has to be, you know? Hey, do you mind, uh I won't be on you all the time or anything, but you mind if I just show you stuff, get your opinion? - OK.
- Yeah? Oh, thanks.
Really.
Thanks.
I know you can teach me stuff that's not in books.
Thanks for coming.
I welcome the opportunity to meet a new buyer, Ms.
Spiller.
- Lucy.
- Lucy.
Well, Lucy, we're a new agency.
We don't have a track record yet.
But we'll get there.
I hear you have a good relationship with the community - from drug-dealing days, no offense.
- Open secret.
- I'm hoping we can do business.
- Nothing would make me happier.
You're not exclusive to my competition? Not at all.
- If I made you an offer? - Door is wide open.
- Talking about the same photograph? - We are.
I'm not talking long lens or out of focus.
I need a cover.
You'll see his tongue in her mouth.
- How much? - May I? Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
Sorry, business.
You know.
I think we can make this happen.
Impress me.
And here I thought I already did.
Hi, Ozzy Romero just promised me a cover before closing.
Yeah, he did time for dealing.
T oo dumb to do this on his own.
Has someone on the inside, someone he knows from T ommy.
- Where are you? - Outside Tuesday's rental.
OK, forget about the house.
Follow Ozzy's guys.
Oh, and Don, he's using a two-way.
I got it.
G-13 Pictures.
Let's go.
We spent all night watching Tuesday's house.
We're leaving? Uh-huh.
Here's the book.
I can't make the newsstand meeting.
We'll have to reschedule.
What, did you lose a bet? - Lay off Willa.
- Excuse me? You had your fun.
Let it go.
She's a good reporter.
She doesn't deserve to be watching Real World reruns.
Wow.
Did you shave off your balls as well, Brent? Will you lay off her? I can't have my staff thinking that a Barrow blow job is a hall pass.
She dumped me.
Does she get points for that? Yeah, a few.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
Want me to warm up a teapot and have a heart-to-heart? We'd be one heart short.
Grow 'em back, Brent.
Your balls, I mean.
You'll feel better.
Julia? Hi! It's Laura Baum.
We met when I worked with Jonathan.
How are you? I was his assistant.
Oh, of course.
How are you? I'm good.
Oh! Can I just say how great you look? Seriously, you look great! Thanks.
I was supposed to talk to Quinn about the Guy Ritchie project.
Quinn's on a conference call.
He's hoping to join us later, but he's slammed.
He's so sorry.
Excuse me a second.
What's the damage? You're shitting me, right? $2,700? It was a goddamn fender bender.
Right.
Fine.
In case you are wondering, this is why people hate Greeks.
Uh, maybe I should call Quinn.
Oh, no, he's got me totally up to speed.
$2,700! I mean, that's after the deductible.
We let these people in our country, give them business, and it's like, "Thanks for the opportunity.
" All right, so maybe we should just do this later.
No, I'm sorry, it's Letting it go.
The Guy Ritchie project.
They love, love, love you.
But it's a pass.
It's a pass? But that was a great meeting.
I don't understand.
I know.
It's not fair.
That said, how'd you like to be killed on CSI? What? Oh, Jesus! It's a top-ten show.
I don't care.
I don't want people thinking of me like that.
Julia, the problem is people aren't really thinking of you at all.
Get me in again.
Honey, I'm sorry.
They're going a different way.
- Will you give Quinn a message? - Sure.
I love, love, love him, but I'm going a different way.
Tell him he's fired.
Shit.
- Hey, it's me.
Is Ozzy there? - Hold on.
You hear everything? Yeah, they're using push-to-talk, I need to see you kiss her.
In good light.
Sharp.
Out front, then.
Near the street.
That's gotta be the insider! You got him! How soon? This isn't a train.
Just park yourself.
When we're ready, we'll get there.
- Drive.
- Where we going? Weren't you listening? "We'll come out.
" T ommy's the insider.
He's playing both girls for a headline.
Hey, babe! Hey.
How'd it go? Julia, hey.
What's wrong? They didn't want me.
Babe, come on.
They're assholes.
Hey, don't cry.
Come on.
- She wants me to do CSI.
- Who does? Sally, Susie, whatever.
Jonathan's old assistant.
Jesus, I mean, last week, she was getting me water.
Wait.
So Quinn wasn't there? - All right, I'm calling him.
- No.
I fired that jerk.
- You fired him? - Yeah.
God, I even paid Annmarie to dress me.
Hey.
You look beautiful.
Keep still.
What if they set us up? Why aren't they here? They'll be here.
I could go back to her house.
Stay here.
Be patient.
Just in case.
Back-up.
I mean, it's been almost four hours.
We stay here till we get the shot.
What if they changed the plans? I'm gonna get the scanner from the car.
OK.
Hey, I know you.
- I'm just on my way home, OK? - Bullshit.
He's got cameras in the car.
- Where is he? - Who? Don't play me.
Oh, the crazy guy? I ditched him.
Why split the sale? That's how you want to play it? Tough guy, huh? You like that? You want some of this? That's right! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You like to zap shit, huh? Like that?! How do you like that, boy?! Whatcha gonna do, bitch? What? Fry, bitch, fry! Hey, guys! We're missing the shot! Let's go! Let's go! Yeah, ambulance, 41 Vine.
You're gonna be OK! Can you hear me? Don't move! Yeah.
Don't move.
Don't move.
Don't move.
You've probably got some You Don.
Don I'm sorry.
No! Am the The am the ambulance is coming.
The ambulance is coming.
And they're gonna fix you up, OK? You're gonna be OK.
But you don't move, OK? Don't move.
You can't move.
But they'll be here soon, I promise.
But I gotta go.
I- I-I gotta go.
Sorry! Come on, people! Why am I still waiting for my mock-up? Oh, thank God, Don.
Danielle, rush processing.
Push it to 3200.
It's gonna be a great story.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
No, it's his blood.
I got it on me.
But I did it.
Whose blood? Jesus.
What did you do? - I got you your cover.
- Whose blood, Don? Marqui's.
He's hurt really bad, Lucy.
OK, I'm sure he's gonna be all right.
- Wait in my office.
- Images in 15 minutes, but you need to write the cover line now.
- OK.
All right.
Don! Don, wait! - Lucy.
All right! Shit.
- Lucy? - Mm-hmm? It's The Real World.
What's with the text boxes? I called cast members from past seasons to find out what they've done since.
Pull-quoted interesting stories.
And it's a mini "Where Are They Now?" You called every cast member for the past 18 seasons? Couldn't track a few, but, yeah.
We don't have room for it in this issue, but I'll keep it on hold.
What's that on your hands? Oh Oh, my God.
- Did you see that? - Check it out.
What's going on? Shut it down.
How? We don't know where it's coming from.
What are you all looking at? Close the book.
Let's go! Both magazines report this week on Tuesday Nelson's secret affair with her best friend's fiancé, artist Tommy Spiro.
Only Dirt Now has the exclusive that it was Spiro who engineered the trysts, then even leaked the news of his cheating to a rogue paparazzi agency.
Since the scandal broke, online sales of Spiro's artwork have skyrocketed.
Use film, not digital.
You can trust film.
No one will remember them, who they were fighting with, what drugs they were taking, who they were screwing.
'Cause tomorrow, there'll be another story.
Nobody stays.
Nothing stays.
Just this.