Disjointed (2017) s01e11 Episode Script
4.20 Fantasy
1 It's the 20th of April And there's something in the air You can see it all around you You can smell it everywhere It's a month into the spring And two days before Earth Day It's also Hitler's birthday But no one seems to care It's merrier than Christmas More fun than Halloween As festive as St.
Patrick's And every bit as green We celebrate the harvest And what makes life worth living It's like the best Thanksgiving That you've ever fucking seen It's 4/20 The best day of the year 4/20, the best day of the year Some lyric will need to go right here It's 4/20, the best day of the year Welcome! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I'm Mayor Dabby.
And I'm First Lady Dank.
[LAUGHS.]
And on behalf of all the citizens of Weed City, welcome to the celebration of 4/20, April's Fourth of July.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- Hey, Dank.
- Yeah, boo? Do you know the origin of 4/20? Fuck, no.
I don't know nothing.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't either.
Oh, shit.
For real? Any of you guys know? [CROWD MUTTERING.]
[DABBY AND DANK.]
Hey, fuck you! Fuck you! Start singing and dancing like those Broadway assholes, now! [BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Brown and yellow, black and white Today we're all the same We pass the torch of freedom And millions light the flame The nation is as one America has spoken We've awoken and aboken And through coughing, we proclaim [LIGHTERS FLICKING.]
[ALL COUGHING.]
It's 4/20, the best day of the year 4/20, the best time of the day 4/20, the best year of the time It's 4/20, the best day of the day 4/20, 4/20, 4/20 4/20, 4/20, 4/20 It's 4/20, the best day of the year 4/20, the best day of the year Something, something Something rhymes with "year" It's 4/20 The best day of the year [SNORTING AND GRUNTING.]
Is this still the dream? Yeah, that's what it says.
[BOTH.]
Whoa! [TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING.]
I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky Just blow some gage I'm on a rampage Jack, I'm mellow I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on a bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow Hey, Travis.
Your mom got anything special planned for 4/20? No.
With the raid, she said she wanted to keep it low-key this year.
[FANFARE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CHEERING AND WHOOPING.]
Friends, stoners, countrymen.
Pete, turn that shit off.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
A few months ago, Ruth's Alternative Caring was raided by the DEA.
- [ALL.]
Boo! - Fuck the feds.
They took our money, and they took our weed.
But it's like my friend Michelle Obama says, when they go low, we get high.
- [ALL.]
Yeah.
- That's right.
They thought they could stop us.
But like any good stoner, we rolled right through that stop sign.
[WOMAN 1.]
Ow! They didn't count on this amazing staff, blessed with tremendous loyalty and an inability to find other work.
- Yeah.
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
They didn't count on my son and business partner, Travis, brilliantly rebuilding this store better than ever.
Look, we got a new countertop and two new stools.
- [WOMAN 2.]
Whoo! - Up yours, DEA.
[ALL.]
Yeah! So, raise your joints because not only is it 4/20, it's 4:20! [ALL CHEERING.]
So, uh, this is low-key, huh? Oh, yeah.
Most years, she flashes her boobs.
Just frolic about me while I show my boobs.
- [MAN.]
Yeah.
- No.
Welcome to "Strain O' The Day.
" It's 4/20, and for the first time, we are "Evil.
" No.
No, we're live.
We're We're streaming live on Facebook to tell you about our new in-house strain, 4/20 Fantasy.
I'm hoping it's a re-creation of my last grow, which was transcendent.
It was crazy.
It gave everyone a euphoric experience.
Probably because prior to harvesting, I had sex with Mary Jane, the spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
That was not the shared experience.
That was just Pete.
But my point is, my mom called it the best weed she'd ever had.
And I've had them all.
The DEA took the rest of that weed, so Pete's trying to recapture the magic.
And this is the first time anyone has smoked it, anywhere.
And remember, we are live.
- So, Pete, tell me, what do you think? - It sucks.
I suck.
I'm a failure.
And I'm Travis.
And you've been watching "Strain O' The Day.
" Olivia's Shitballs on sale now.
Ruth? I have a question.
Are you busy? You bet I'm busy.
I got a marker, a whiteboard and a planet to save.
Check it out, Pete.
I'm getting back to my roots.
Political activism.
Stirring shit up.
The planet's gone to hell.
I'm pissed off.
It's great.
Go ahead, Pete, ask me anything.
Okay, well, I Because what I'm asking myself, which crisis needs me the most? Global warming seems like a good fit, but I don't like when it's chilly.
Am I a loser? What? Oh, no, Pete.
Why would you say that? I grew the new crop exactly like the last one.
Okay? I used the same soil, the same tea.
I even had sex with Mary Jane, the exact same spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
Oh, that's what I saw through the window.
I thought you were doing sit-ups.
The new weed just came out ordinary.
So, uh, I think I've lost my gift.
Pete, you can never lose your genius.
You're the marijuana Mozart.
You're the Shakespeare of shake.
You're Vincent van Grow.
If I'm as good as those guys, why do I feel so ? [MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK K.
525" PLAYING.]
[PETE.]
It's the miracle weed.
[MUSIC DISTORTING.]
Come back! [DISTORTED MUSIC AND SOUND.]
I got you.
[LAUGHING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
[PETE.]
Why can't I get you back? Come back! Come back! - I don't know if I can grow anymore.
- Don't be so hard on yourself, kid.
Take the rest of the day off.
Go do something good for yourself.
Okay.
Thanks.
But no sit-ups.
I got the blinds open.
What are you doing? Pretending to look at the security monitor so I can stand close.
First of all, pretending to look at the security monitor is my job.
[LAUGHS.]
Second, we agreed, six-foot perimeter at work.
Baby, we've been a couple for months.
In fact, we coupled this morning.
[LAUGHS, THEN CLEARS THROAT.]
Which was amazing, but I don't want people here knowing about us yet.
- You know what'll happen.
People gossip - I know.
That's half the fun of having a boyfriend.
Okay, but then there's Ruth.
"So, when are you two gonna make some chocolate wontons?" [LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Hey.
So, look what I just pulled out of the ass that is my oven.
[BOTH.]
Shitballs! A hot, steaming pile of Olivia's Shitballs.
These things are flying off the shelves.
Thanks, Maria.
Thank you, bestie.
You're the shit.
Oh, God.
The shit jokes never get old.
No, no.
They do.
They do.
[MARIA SIGHS.]
That reminds me of something I heard in the slammer.
See, Rodriguez, she was a cellie of mine, waiting for her old man to bail her out.
She said to me, "White lady, listen up.
" - Maria.
- [MARIA.]
"Listen.
" You were not in prison.
You were in a police holding cell for three hours.
Carter, when in the big house, you don't measure time by a clock.
You measure it by how many lady-guards you have to chow down on just to survive.
You didn't chow down on anyone.
That's what I tell myself every night.
Who gets high on her own supply? Olivia, Olivia Who gets high on her own supply? - Hey.
- Whoa, hey.
Check it out, I've got three calls from other dispensaries all wanting to sell these Shitballs.
Shut the fuck door.
Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
So, [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was thinking it's probably time we figure out what the deal is between us.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Mm.
Well, we flirted, uh, made out a little, - and then there was nipple play.
- No, stop.
I mean the business arrangement.
How are we gonna split our profits? Our profits? Sorry, I'm making them from my nana's recipe.
Olivia, [CHUCKLES.]
you walked in here with a couple of fudge cookies one day.
I had the vision to put weed in them, call them Shitballs, and package them with toilet paper.
I mean, that's Shark Tank-level, okay? Okay, you have a point.
I'm thinking we split the profits fifty-fifty.
- What are you thinking? - Okay.
That sounds like a good idea.
So did making out with you until I tried it.
[NARRATOR.]
Enjoy an eighth of the old country at Salvatore's Authentic Health Services in Flatbush.
Salvatore and Frances Scarlotti will treat you like you are at mama's table as you sample such Italian specialties as Napoli Red Acapulco Caprese, Skunkgili, and our famous homemade Alfredo Thunderfuck.
Let Sal Jr.
show you our glassware in the Venetian Room.
And save space for Frances' famous edible desserts, like biscotti cannabisoli and pot.
At Salvatore's - When you're high, you're family.
- When you're high, you're family.
[CHANTING.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! [CROWD ON COMPUTER.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! Ruth, can we chat about something that I'm sure is not a problem? Can it be a problem? I'm focused on problems right now.
Travis and I were talking about the fifty-fifty split - for the Shitball business.
- Great.
You're working it out.
Yeah.
It's cool to be the first person in my family to make money selling drugs legally.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's just that I'm new at this, and I'm not sure it's a good deal.
Talk to Travis about it.
I'm staying out of the way.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I love you, but [CHUCKLES.]
I'm saving the world here.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I understand.
- Uh-huh.
"Fracking.
" What is that, anyway? I'm not sure, but Mark Ruffalo hates it, and I love that guy.
Okay, well, thank you for your time.
[RUTH ON COMPUTER.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! She asked for help and you said no! Hey, hey, ho, ho! She asked for help and you said no! - What are you doing here? - I'm protesting you.
But why? I'm getting back to who I was when I was you.
I'm fighting for what's right.
Check out my board.
That's just a bunch of headlines.
"South Pacific Trash Island? Polar ice caps? Russian dressing"? Oh, crap.
That should say "Russian hacking.
" I'd just had a Reuben.
Everything here is 1000 miles away.
Remember what you said at Berkeley? "I am banging Santana tonight"? Before that.
You said, "Think globally, act locally.
" I did say that.
Fuck, that's good.
What you fought for when you were me was people.
Like Olivia.
Oh, you mean that Shitball thing? How is that important? It's a cookie that looks like a turd.
She's afraid she'll get screwed over by the Man.
The Man is my son Travis.
Wait, I have a son? Yeah.
- This is what happened - Don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.
Oh, you'll be surprised.
[DABBY CHUCKLING.]
Looks like somebody likes his 4/20 present.
Baby Dank likey baby bottle bong.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Thank you, white mommy.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BOTH.]
Whoa.
This could be my brain talking, but I think something's going on.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's definitely something up with Jenny and Carter.
And if I'm right, I'm correct about what it is.
Okay.
Huh.
Weed, weed.
Let's see what kind of weed would I want today.
- Uh, well, we have a special on - Cut the shit.
Now, hottie to hottie.
- You and Carter are doing it, right? - What? Us? No.
No.
Oh, okay, all right.
Maybe you'll feel more comfortable opening up to my friend President Five Dollar Bill? - Carter.
- Oh, shit.
Hottie to hottie.
I know what's going on with you and Jenny.
[STUTTERING.]
And what might that be? Oh.
See the way she looks at you, that gleam in her eye, it's obvious, man.
She trying to kill you, brother.
Okay, all right.
Since you are not going out with Carter, you won't mind if I just happen to toss a bucket of Dabby chum into Lake Carter, huh? - Oh, God, please stop.
No.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Maybe take him deep-sea Dabby diving in search of some West Coast panty-oyster.
- Okay.
Here's $5.
Stop.
- Oh! Shit, man.
Least I got some money out of this.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's the plan.
This is The Bodyguard.
You're Whitney Houston, and I'm Field of Dreams dude, and if you build it, I will always love you.
You're gonna carry me out of a nightclub and make love to me on a baseball field? Sometimes you just talk nonsense.
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nice punch, killer.
Don't patronize me, Douglas.
I know it was terrible.
Like everything else I do.
Pete, take a knee.
I'm sensing a great sadness in you.
- Yeah, I'm very sad.
- Yes, I knew that.
I sensed that.
Come on.
Take another knee.
Is there anything you wanna say to your fath ? [GRUNTS.]
Combat-sports instructor? I feel weird talking to you about it.
I know you think of me as a guy who punches and kicks, but I want you to know that I have a black belt in listening.
I've worked so hard, but I don't even know why I'm here.
- You're not thinking about quitting? - I feel like I can't grow anymore.
Every martial-arts student faces a moment like this.
- Really? - Yes.
Let me tell you a story, okay? When I was your age, I failed to medal in the Lil' Kix Invitational in La Cañada.
That's when I thought about hanging up the gi forever, and going to work for my cousin Spencer at his Popeyes franchise.
Wow.
- Popeyes is good.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I love their biscuits.
- Aw, yeah, the biscuits.
The fried chicken is New Orleans-style.
Yeah, yeah.
- Popcorn shrimp.
- Yeah, top-notch.
- I get the chicken-shrimp combo.
- With a biscuit? All the combos come with biscuits.
Here's the point.
In that moment of doubt, I knew what I was born to do.
I was down, but I wasn't done.
I was gonna keep on growing.
If you stop growing, Pete, you stop being who you are.
You're right.
I do have to keep growing.
I'm lucky you're in my life, Tae Kwon Douglas.
Yeah, we both are.
I'm starting to cramp.
I'm not gonna lie.
What do you say we turn those knees into feet? - Yeah.
- All right.
[YELLS.]
That's an advanced move.
I wouldn't try that yet.
Now you show me your growth.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
- Welcome back.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Thanks.
So, all the combos come with biscuits? And slaw, Pete.
And slaw.
Yeah.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Basically, this contract says we split the profits fifty-fifty.
- You're not too high to read, are you? - Am I supposed to read this? Sorry I'm late.
I had to get my suit out of the dry cleaners.
Can you believe it's been there since 2004? Oh, fuck it.
What did I miss? Nothing, Mom.
You know I've got this covered.
Well, I'm sure you think you do.
But my client is not signing anything.
What do you mean, your client? You mean Olivia? Yeah.
I'm gonna help her fight the Man.
Even though the Man is my son.
[LAUGHING.]
No fucking way.
Mom.
What are you doing? You did a great job of letting me be in charge.
You still are.
I'm not here as your partner.
I'm here as Olivia's lawyer, who's gonna bend your ass over and make you scream for your mommy.
But you're my mommy.
Now, my client is the sole proprietor of the corporation Nana's Fudge Swirls, DBA Olivia's Shitballs.
As such, my client demands that her portion of the profits be no less than 120 percent.
That's not mathematically possible.
Oh, I see, I'm a woman.
I can't do math.
We're walking.
Whoa.
If we're walking, I need a second.
Stop.
Listen.
Just wait, come on.
Be reasonable.
Well, then give me a reasonable split.
I'm thinking 70/30.
[TRAVIS SIGHS.]
Fine, 70/30.
Yes.
Which one do I get? [PLAYING HARMONICA.]
[SCATTING.]
- Hey, hey, hey, Maria? - Yeah, yeah.
Stop.
I just learned to play this in prison.
It's a little something called the blues, Carter.
Maybe one day you'll understand.
Thank you, Ruth.
Never had anyone fight for me.
Oh, you deserve it.
Besides, it wasn't hard.
This guy brought his pussy to a dick fight.
Jesus, Mom.
You're right, I'm out of line.
Pussy always beats dick.
- Then what beats pussy? - Nothing beats pussy.
[PLAYING HARMONICA.]
- Carter, help me fix this pricing gun? - Sure.
Gun! [SLOWLY.]
No.
What the fuck is happening? Oh, shit.
It's Slo-Mo Dank.
He's gonna fuck you up once he gets there.
Yeah, baby.
- What? - He thinks you're trying to kill me.
[SLOWLY.]
Not on my watch.
Dank, I'm not trying to kill him.
Oh, shit.
- We're dating, all right? - We're a couple.
Aw.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- Juicy-ass kiss.
Jesus Christ, people, grow up.
- Yeah.
Mm-hm.
- Thank you.
I'm just fucking with you.
[CHANTING.]
Chocolate wontons! [ALL.]
Chocolate wontons! [PLAYING HARMONICA.]
Chocolate wontons! Chocolate wontons! Chocolate wontons! I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow
Patrick's And every bit as green We celebrate the harvest And what makes life worth living It's like the best Thanksgiving That you've ever fucking seen It's 4/20 The best day of the year 4/20, the best day of the year Some lyric will need to go right here It's 4/20, the best day of the year Welcome! [CROWD CHEERING.]
I'm Mayor Dabby.
And I'm First Lady Dank.
[LAUGHS.]
And on behalf of all the citizens of Weed City, welcome to the celebration of 4/20, April's Fourth of July.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- Hey, Dank.
- Yeah, boo? Do you know the origin of 4/20? Fuck, no.
I don't know nothing.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't either.
Oh, shit.
For real? Any of you guys know? [CROWD MUTTERING.]
[DABBY AND DANK.]
Hey, fuck you! Fuck you! Start singing and dancing like those Broadway assholes, now! [BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Brown and yellow, black and white Today we're all the same We pass the torch of freedom And millions light the flame The nation is as one America has spoken We've awoken and aboken And through coughing, we proclaim [LIGHTERS FLICKING.]
[ALL COUGHING.]
It's 4/20, the best day of the year 4/20, the best time of the day 4/20, the best year of the time It's 4/20, the best day of the day 4/20, 4/20, 4/20 4/20, 4/20, 4/20 It's 4/20, the best day of the year 4/20, the best day of the year Something, something Something rhymes with "year" It's 4/20 The best day of the year [SNORTING AND GRUNTING.]
Is this still the dream? Yeah, that's what it says.
[BOTH.]
Whoa! [TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING.]
I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky Just blow some gage I'm on a rampage Jack, I'm mellow I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on a bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow Hey, Travis.
Your mom got anything special planned for 4/20? No.
With the raid, she said she wanted to keep it low-key this year.
[FANFARE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[CHEERING AND WHOOPING.]
Friends, stoners, countrymen.
Pete, turn that shit off.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
A few months ago, Ruth's Alternative Caring was raided by the DEA.
- [ALL.]
Boo! - Fuck the feds.
They took our money, and they took our weed.
But it's like my friend Michelle Obama says, when they go low, we get high.
- [ALL.]
Yeah.
- That's right.
They thought they could stop us.
But like any good stoner, we rolled right through that stop sign.
[WOMAN 1.]
Ow! They didn't count on this amazing staff, blessed with tremendous loyalty and an inability to find other work.
- Yeah.
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
They didn't count on my son and business partner, Travis, brilliantly rebuilding this store better than ever.
Look, we got a new countertop and two new stools.
- [WOMAN 2.]
Whoo! - Up yours, DEA.
[ALL.]
Yeah! So, raise your joints because not only is it 4/20, it's 4:20! [ALL CHEERING.]
So, uh, this is low-key, huh? Oh, yeah.
Most years, she flashes her boobs.
Just frolic about me while I show my boobs.
- [MAN.]
Yeah.
- No.
Welcome to "Strain O' The Day.
" It's 4/20, and for the first time, we are "Evil.
" No.
No, we're live.
We're We're streaming live on Facebook to tell you about our new in-house strain, 4/20 Fantasy.
I'm hoping it's a re-creation of my last grow, which was transcendent.
It was crazy.
It gave everyone a euphoric experience.
Probably because prior to harvesting, I had sex with Mary Jane, the spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
That was not the shared experience.
That was just Pete.
But my point is, my mom called it the best weed she'd ever had.
And I've had them all.
The DEA took the rest of that weed, so Pete's trying to recapture the magic.
And this is the first time anyone has smoked it, anywhere.
And remember, we are live.
- So, Pete, tell me, what do you think? - It sucks.
I suck.
I'm a failure.
And I'm Travis.
And you've been watching "Strain O' The Day.
" Olivia's Shitballs on sale now.
Ruth? I have a question.
Are you busy? You bet I'm busy.
I got a marker, a whiteboard and a planet to save.
Check it out, Pete.
I'm getting back to my roots.
Political activism.
Stirring shit up.
The planet's gone to hell.
I'm pissed off.
It's great.
Go ahead, Pete, ask me anything.
Okay, well, I Because what I'm asking myself, which crisis needs me the most? Global warming seems like a good fit, but I don't like when it's chilly.
Am I a loser? What? Oh, no, Pete.
Why would you say that? I grew the new crop exactly like the last one.
Okay? I used the same soil, the same tea.
I even had sex with Mary Jane, the exact same spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
Oh, that's what I saw through the window.
I thought you were doing sit-ups.
The new weed just came out ordinary.
So, uh, I think I've lost my gift.
Pete, you can never lose your genius.
You're the marijuana Mozart.
You're the Shakespeare of shake.
You're Vincent van Grow.
If I'm as good as those guys, why do I feel so ? [MOZART'S "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK K.
525" PLAYING.]
[PETE.]
It's the miracle weed.
[MUSIC DISTORTING.]
Come back! [DISTORTED MUSIC AND SOUND.]
I got you.
[LAUGHING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
[PETE.]
Why can't I get you back? Come back! Come back! - I don't know if I can grow anymore.
- Don't be so hard on yourself, kid.
Take the rest of the day off.
Go do something good for yourself.
Okay.
Thanks.
But no sit-ups.
I got the blinds open.
What are you doing? Pretending to look at the security monitor so I can stand close.
First of all, pretending to look at the security monitor is my job.
[LAUGHS.]
Second, we agreed, six-foot perimeter at work.
Baby, we've been a couple for months.
In fact, we coupled this morning.
[LAUGHS, THEN CLEARS THROAT.]
Which was amazing, but I don't want people here knowing about us yet.
- You know what'll happen.
People gossip - I know.
That's half the fun of having a boyfriend.
Okay, but then there's Ruth.
"So, when are you two gonna make some chocolate wontons?" [LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Hey.
So, look what I just pulled out of the ass that is my oven.
[BOTH.]
Shitballs! A hot, steaming pile of Olivia's Shitballs.
These things are flying off the shelves.
Thanks, Maria.
Thank you, bestie.
You're the shit.
Oh, God.
The shit jokes never get old.
No, no.
They do.
They do.
[MARIA SIGHS.]
That reminds me of something I heard in the slammer.
See, Rodriguez, she was a cellie of mine, waiting for her old man to bail her out.
She said to me, "White lady, listen up.
" - Maria.
- [MARIA.]
"Listen.
" You were not in prison.
You were in a police holding cell for three hours.
Carter, when in the big house, you don't measure time by a clock.
You measure it by how many lady-guards you have to chow down on just to survive.
You didn't chow down on anyone.
That's what I tell myself every night.
Who gets high on her own supply? Olivia, Olivia Who gets high on her own supply? - Hey.
- Whoa, hey.
Check it out, I've got three calls from other dispensaries all wanting to sell these Shitballs.
Shut the fuck door.
Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
So, [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was thinking it's probably time we figure out what the deal is between us.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Mm.
Well, we flirted, uh, made out a little, - and then there was nipple play.
- No, stop.
I mean the business arrangement.
How are we gonna split our profits? Our profits? Sorry, I'm making them from my nana's recipe.
Olivia, [CHUCKLES.]
you walked in here with a couple of fudge cookies one day.
I had the vision to put weed in them, call them Shitballs, and package them with toilet paper.
I mean, that's Shark Tank-level, okay? Okay, you have a point.
I'm thinking we split the profits fifty-fifty.
- What are you thinking? - Okay.
That sounds like a good idea.
So did making out with you until I tried it.
[NARRATOR.]
Enjoy an eighth of the old country at Salvatore's Authentic Health Services in Flatbush.
Salvatore and Frances Scarlotti will treat you like you are at mama's table as you sample such Italian specialties as Napoli Red Acapulco Caprese, Skunkgili, and our famous homemade Alfredo Thunderfuck.
Let Sal Jr.
show you our glassware in the Venetian Room.
And save space for Frances' famous edible desserts, like biscotti cannabisoli and pot.
At Salvatore's - When you're high, you're family.
- When you're high, you're family.
[CHANTING.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! [CROWD ON COMPUTER.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! Hey, hey, ho, ho! Unfair drug laws gotta go! Ruth, can we chat about something that I'm sure is not a problem? Can it be a problem? I'm focused on problems right now.
Travis and I were talking about the fifty-fifty split - for the Shitball business.
- Great.
You're working it out.
Yeah.
It's cool to be the first person in my family to make money selling drugs legally.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It's just that I'm new at this, and I'm not sure it's a good deal.
Talk to Travis about it.
I'm staying out of the way.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I love you, but [CHUCKLES.]
I'm saving the world here.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I understand.
- Uh-huh.
"Fracking.
" What is that, anyway? I'm not sure, but Mark Ruffalo hates it, and I love that guy.
Okay, well, thank you for your time.
[RUTH ON COMPUTER.]
Hey, hey, ho, ho! She asked for help and you said no! Hey, hey, ho, ho! She asked for help and you said no! - What are you doing here? - I'm protesting you.
But why? I'm getting back to who I was when I was you.
I'm fighting for what's right.
Check out my board.
That's just a bunch of headlines.
"South Pacific Trash Island? Polar ice caps? Russian dressing"? Oh, crap.
That should say "Russian hacking.
" I'd just had a Reuben.
Everything here is 1000 miles away.
Remember what you said at Berkeley? "I am banging Santana tonight"? Before that.
You said, "Think globally, act locally.
" I did say that.
Fuck, that's good.
What you fought for when you were me was people.
Like Olivia.
Oh, you mean that Shitball thing? How is that important? It's a cookie that looks like a turd.
She's afraid she'll get screwed over by the Man.
The Man is my son Travis.
Wait, I have a son? Yeah.
- This is what happened - Don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.
Oh, you'll be surprised.
[DABBY CHUCKLING.]
Looks like somebody likes his 4/20 present.
Baby Dank likey baby bottle bong.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Thank you, white mommy.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BOTH.]
Whoa.
This could be my brain talking, but I think something's going on.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's definitely something up with Jenny and Carter.
And if I'm right, I'm correct about what it is.
Okay.
Huh.
Weed, weed.
Let's see what kind of weed would I want today.
- Uh, well, we have a special on - Cut the shit.
Now, hottie to hottie.
- You and Carter are doing it, right? - What? Us? No.
No.
Oh, okay, all right.
Maybe you'll feel more comfortable opening up to my friend President Five Dollar Bill? - Carter.
- Oh, shit.
Hottie to hottie.
I know what's going on with you and Jenny.
[STUTTERING.]
And what might that be? Oh.
See the way she looks at you, that gleam in her eye, it's obvious, man.
She trying to kill you, brother.
Okay, all right.
Since you are not going out with Carter, you won't mind if I just happen to toss a bucket of Dabby chum into Lake Carter, huh? - Oh, God, please stop.
No.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Maybe take him deep-sea Dabby diving in search of some West Coast panty-oyster.
- Okay.
Here's $5.
Stop.
- Oh! Shit, man.
Least I got some money out of this.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's the plan.
This is The Bodyguard.
You're Whitney Houston, and I'm Field of Dreams dude, and if you build it, I will always love you.
You're gonna carry me out of a nightclub and make love to me on a baseball field? Sometimes you just talk nonsense.
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nice punch, killer.
Don't patronize me, Douglas.
I know it was terrible.
Like everything else I do.
Pete, take a knee.
I'm sensing a great sadness in you.
- Yeah, I'm very sad.
- Yes, I knew that.
I sensed that.
Come on.
Take another knee.
Is there anything you wanna say to your fath ? [GRUNTS.]
Combat-sports instructor? I feel weird talking to you about it.
I know you think of me as a guy who punches and kicks, but I want you to know that I have a black belt in listening.
I've worked so hard, but I don't even know why I'm here.
- You're not thinking about quitting? - I feel like I can't grow anymore.
Every martial-arts student faces a moment like this.
- Really? - Yes.
Let me tell you a story, okay? When I was your age, I failed to medal in the Lil' Kix Invitational in La Cañada.
That's when I thought about hanging up the gi forever, and going to work for my cousin Spencer at his Popeyes franchise.
Wow.
- Popeyes is good.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I love their biscuits.
- Aw, yeah, the biscuits.
The fried chicken is New Orleans-style.
Yeah, yeah.
- Popcorn shrimp.
- Yeah, top-notch.
- I get the chicken-shrimp combo.
- With a biscuit? All the combos come with biscuits.
Here's the point.
In that moment of doubt, I knew what I was born to do.
I was down, but I wasn't done.
I was gonna keep on growing.
If you stop growing, Pete, you stop being who you are.
You're right.
I do have to keep growing.
I'm lucky you're in my life, Tae Kwon Douglas.
Yeah, we both are.
I'm starting to cramp.
I'm not gonna lie.
What do you say we turn those knees into feet? - Yeah.
- All right.
[YELLS.]
That's an advanced move.
I wouldn't try that yet.
Now you show me your growth.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
- Welcome back.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Thanks.
So, all the combos come with biscuits? And slaw, Pete.
And slaw.
Yeah.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Basically, this contract says we split the profits fifty-fifty.
- You're not too high to read, are you? - Am I supposed to read this? Sorry I'm late.
I had to get my suit out of the dry cleaners.
Can you believe it's been there since 2004? Oh, fuck it.
What did I miss? Nothing, Mom.
You know I've got this covered.
Well, I'm sure you think you do.
But my client is not signing anything.
What do you mean, your client? You mean Olivia? Yeah.
I'm gonna help her fight the Man.
Even though the Man is my son.
[LAUGHING.]
No fucking way.
Mom.
What are you doing? You did a great job of letting me be in charge.
You still are.
I'm not here as your partner.
I'm here as Olivia's lawyer, who's gonna bend your ass over and make you scream for your mommy.
But you're my mommy.
Now, my client is the sole proprietor of the corporation Nana's Fudge Swirls, DBA Olivia's Shitballs.
As such, my client demands that her portion of the profits be no less than 120 percent.
That's not mathematically possible.
Oh, I see, I'm a woman.
I can't do math.
We're walking.
Whoa.
If we're walking, I need a second.
Stop.
Listen.
Just wait, come on.
Be reasonable.
Well, then give me a reasonable split.
I'm thinking 70/30.
[TRAVIS SIGHS.]
Fine, 70/30.
Yes.
Which one do I get? [PLAYING HARMONICA.]
[SCATTING.]
- Hey, hey, hey, Maria? - Yeah, yeah.
Stop.
I just learned to play this in prison.
It's a little something called the blues, Carter.
Maybe one day you'll understand.
Thank you, Ruth.
Never had anyone fight for me.
Oh, you deserve it.
Besides, it wasn't hard.
This guy brought his pussy to a dick fight.
Jesus, Mom.
You're right, I'm out of line.
Pussy always beats dick.
- Then what beats pussy? - Nothing beats pussy.
[PLAYING HARMONICA.]
- Carter, help me fix this pricing gun? - Sure.
Gun! [SLOWLY.]
No.
What the fuck is happening? Oh, shit.
It's Slo-Mo Dank.
He's gonna fuck you up once he gets there.
Yeah, baby.
- What? - He thinks you're trying to kill me.
[SLOWLY.]
Not on my watch.
Dank, I'm not trying to kill him.
Oh, shit.
- We're dating, all right? - We're a couple.
Aw.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- Juicy-ass kiss.
Jesus Christ, people, grow up.
- Yeah.
Mm-hm.
- Thank you.
I'm just fucking with you.
[CHANTING.]
Chocolate wontons! [ALL.]
Chocolate wontons! [PLAYING HARMONICA.]
Chocolate wontons! Chocolate wontons! Chocolate wontons! I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow