Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e11 Episode Script

Come on, everyone! Get in here for breakfast, or I'm gonna give all the eggs to the dog! HeyI'm the dog! No one's coming.
Uh, time to give all the eggs to the you-know-who.
Can't blame a guy for trying.
Morning.
Hey, who's your friend? She looks dull and lifeless.
And, this is where you say you were talking to the plastic mannequin.
Mom, Avery's anticipating my put-downs.
Avery, don't anticipate your brother's what? Good morning, kids.
Honey.
Aah! Aah! I am so relieved that is not you.
I gotta run.
I'm buying tickets to the carnival.
Oh, didn't you go last night? It's good that he keeps going.
It's like when I visited the white house to see where I'll be working someday.
That's the third night in a row.
That carnival must be pretty who's the girl? She runs the tilt-a-whirl.
Uh-huh.
Is she pretty? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I only see her for a couple seconds at a time as I whirl by.
Well, I'm off to a meeting with my editor.
Hey! Good luck with that carny girl, son.
Sadly, I always knew I would say that someday.
And I have my first cooking class today.
Thank goodness.
I mean, "have fun!" Well, stan, I'll see ya.
I gotta go work on my science project.
I'm painting the internal organs on that mannequin.
You know, kidney, liver, spleen.
Wait a minute Those are all ingredients in my dog food.
Kibble is people! Stan, no, you're completely misunderstanding this.
And I really don't like the way you're looking at me right now.
Sorry, it wasn't that.
I just have a lot on my mind.
Is something wrong, stan? You seem kind of down.
I am kinda down.
I've been whimpering uncontrollably.
Well, that time I did it just to make a point.
But sometimes, it just There it is.
Well, what's the matter, boy? I don't know.
I-it's like everyone's life has a purpose but mine.
You've got this project.
Tyler's chasing a girl.
Even Chloe's got important stuff.
She's just at some stupid sleepover.
Oh, you're bitter 'cause you didn't get to go to Julie's overnight party at the dude ranch? They went to a dude ranch?! Dude, I've always wanted to go up to a cow and call it a "big-boned heiffa.
" Maybe tell it to "mooove over.
" Are ya done? Maybe say to it, "who beefin'?" All right, I'm done now.
Did that cheer you up at all? Nope.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just running in place as the years go by seven at a time.
Two of which just went by as you were doing your hip-hop dude ranch routine.
You know what, stan? I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna find a way to give your life a sense of purpose.
Have any thoughts on what you wanna do? Not really.
I've dabbled, but nothing's worked out.
Like that time I got a job as a hand model.
Next up is item jl7-2, the ladies classic chronograph.
Eww What's wrong with that woman's hand? Avery had a point about adding meaning to my life.
So I tried crime-fighting.
But I hate working at night.
It's scary and there's a lot of bad people out there.
So I distract myself with stuff Like this video of a dog chasing a garden hose.
This is awesome.
Get it, boy.
Get it.
You got it.
You got it.
I told you there was someone down there.
I hear it, too.
What do we do? So if it's a burglar, you're gonna hit him with a copy of a book you wrote? No, I was gonna sign it for him.
You know, maybe he's a fan.
Get it, boy.
You got it.
Priceless.
This is absolutely Stop pushing me.
Stop.
Uh-oh.
Who should I make this out to?! Oh, it's just the computer.
Oh, you know what? One of the kids must've left it on.
It's one of those stupid, mindless videos.
He's almost got it.
You go Get it, boy.
It is good.
Luckily, they thought it was just the computer.
Oh, thank goodness.
Stan, you have to be more careful.
What were you thinking? Yeah, "dog with the hose" is like two years old.
You should've seen the videos we watched at the dude ranch.
Stop with the dude ranch! Not everybody got to go! That's trueOr everyone would have one of these.
Howdy.
Kids, your mom and I have something we need to discuss with you.
We heard a noise last night.
And we thought it was a burglar.
Oh, no! That's terrible! Good thing it was just the computer.
What? What? Anyway, it got us thinking, "would we be prepared if there really were an unwanted visitor?" Grandma's coming? No.
Oh, thank goodness.
Anyway, we just need a plan in case there's ever a real intruder.
I was actually thinking, hon, maybe we could get a high-tech security system.
No Uh I found this real beaut online.
The home watcher 9000.
We can get the whole house wired with sensors and monitors, and they have a remote control that'll make No, no, no.
That sounds way too much like that "house wizard" app you put on our phones.
Lights.
Lights.
Lights! Simple.
Aah! No complicated, high-tech security system.
You know, the best deterrent to criminals is a dog.
And this would be so good for stan.
You know, dogs need a purpose.
Working dogs are healthier, happier, and they live longer.
I don't know, sweetie.
Stan's not really a guard dog.
But we can train him.
You know, he's a really quick learner.
Look at some of the things I've already taught him.
Stan, sit.
Good boy.
Speak.
Good boy.
Shake.
Wow, can you teach me that? I don't think so.
All right.
Well, I guess stan might be a better option than some security system I won't be able to operate.
Sounds like a "yes" to me.
Yes! That could be my purpose.
Guard dog.
Oh, this'll be so much better than when I was a foot model.
Next up is item j35-3, a ladies open toe sling back pump.
Why is that dog still here?! Thanks, Avery! This guard dog gig is a dream come true.
You know, I promised them you'd be good at this.
I went out on a limb for you, and now you have to deliver.
I won't let you down, Avery.
I'll become the best guard dog this house has ever seen.
How many has it seen, just so I know what I'm up against? I've got a lot of training to do.
I'm ready.
Hey, honey.
Back from class already, huh? Hi.
Can't she keep that thing in her room? Bennett, I am pumped! After my cooking class, I took a self-defense class.
That really would not be necessary if we got the home watcher system Mmm.
Aw, look at this, Ellen.
It monitors movement in every inch of the house.
It contacts the authorities.
It even has a fail-safe kill switch in case the system becomes self-aware and decides to destroy humanity.
Just come here.
Let me teach you what I learned in self-defense.
All right.
Okay You pretend to be an intruder and come at me.
Really? Wait! Put your left hand on my right shoulder.
Feet apart, leaving your vital organs exposed.
What? Oh, wait a second.
Let me just Now surprise me! What if the intruder doesn't wanna follow instructions and allow you to warm up? Can your home watcher do that? If you get the upgrade.
Halt.
State your business.
I'm a kid.
I have no business.
That checks out.
Carry on.
Stan, you're still standing guard up there? How long has it been since you've slept? Ha! I don't need sleep.
Sleep is for hand models.
I have a sense of purpose.
It's exactly what I was missing.
Aw, I'm so happy it's working out for you.
You know, you bring so much happiness to everyone in this family.
It's nice that you're finally getting some happiness back.
Aw, thanks.
I'll never forget you for doing this.
Love you, stan.
I love you, too, Avery.
Halt! Who goes there?! Stan, it's Avery.
You just said you'd never forget me.
Did I? I'm a little bit tired.
I really think you should get some sleep.
Thanks.
You're really lookin' out for me, Avery.
Halt! Who goes there?! Stan, seriously, get some rest.
I will never forget you for doin' this.
Halt! Who goes there?! Come on, guys! It's time to go to the carnival! Let's go! All right, everyone.
Get your coats! Whoo, yeah! Oh, has anyone seen your mother? Very funny.
I'm practicing my sneak-attack.
How is "sneak-attack" a part of self-defense? Do not question Sensei Derek.
Oh! Wait, gotta get my jacket.
Would you stop walking so I can throw you to the floor? Why are you recording that? Someday, when I'm curled up on the floor in a fetal position, unable to speak, show this to my doctors.
It will explain everything.
Thanks for winning me a free monkey.
Eh, that "free monkey" cost me almost a hundred bucks of ring tosses.
I told you it was okay to stop trying.
But you said no baby-tooth carny was gonna get the best of you.
Hey, good boy, stan! Look at him gettin' his guard dog on, honey.
See, I told you he could do it.
And look how much happier he is to have a purpose.
I am happy.
So what if I haven't slept in three days? It's not affecting me.
Anyone else see that leprechaun dancing in front of the red curtain? All right, up to bed, everyone.
Can't I just go back to the carnival by myself? No.
I barely got to talk to tilt-a-whirl girl.
It's a school night.
Not for her.
She dropped out a long time ago.
Up to bed.
Don't argue with me.
Okay, mom.
Don't freak out on me like you did with that guy at the carnival.
He came at me with a stick.
It was a churro! Could've been a sugar-coated gun.
Hey.
Where you goin'? Sneakin' out of the house to take a spin with the tilt-a-whirl girl.
Okay then.
Carry on.
Stan, you've been up there for days.
Why don't you get off that coffee table and get some sleep? You want me on this coffee table! You need me on this coffee table! Come on, you're so exhausted you're not even making any sense.
Really? Three is a blanket you do not want to swim in.
Whatever.
Good night, stan.
Good night, Carol.
Whoa, whoa.
Thanks for helping me home, bearded lady.
I probably shouldn't have gone on that tilt-a-whirl those last ten times.
I'm so dizzy.
Whoa.
Good luck with your one-man woman show.
Whoa! Shh.
Whoa! Whoa! Aah! No! Put your left hand on my right shoulder! What? Honey! Bennett! Are you okay?! Yes! Oh! You got him! Tyler? Why? I can't believe you sneaked out of the house like that.
You're grounded.
For a month! Come on, dad.
Didn't you ever do something you weren't supposed to do for the love of a carny girl? No.
Shh Come on, hasn't Tyler been punished enough? Oh wow, thanks, Avery.
I mean, not only the pain of being thrown to the floor, but the humiliation of being folded up like a lawn chair by his own mommy.
As I feared, stan is completely useless as a guard dog.
Yeah, but I'm not quite sure you're the answer, either, my little ninja flower.
We clearly need the home watcher 9000.
Where did you get that? Ah, just somethin' they send ya if ya fill out a survey.
Check this out.
Oh! Oh! That's loud! How do you how do you turn this off? It's, um nipple, nipple, bellybutton.
That whole security system thing just scares me.
Oh come on, Ellen.
What do you think could happen? It could fall in love with me.
Is that so hard to believe? Home watcher, open the back door.
I'm sorry, Ellen.
I can't do that.
Bennett! What do you want Bennett for? Aren't I enough for you, my little ninja flower? Bennett! Ellen, I assure you the home watcher is perfectly safe.
It even has cameras that monitor everything that goes on in the house.
Well, it would mean the kids will never be able to get away with anything ever again.
Yeah.
We'll never get away with anything ever again! We'll never be able to keep the secret that stan can talk.
Stan, you'd better wake up.
I've been awake for a while.
I was just too embarrassed to face you all.
Stan, you were snoring.
I don't really snore like that.
I snore like this.
Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi.
I mean, I'm guessing.
I'm usually asleep when it happens.
I'm sorry I let you down.
Stan, you didn't let me down.
You did your best.
You're a good boy, you hear me? A good boy.
And when you snore that's not my snore.
That's my beefin'.
Hey, mom and dad are having this whole house monitored.
But sure, let's talk about snoring.
Okay.
Tyler that's actually my mom.
But Tyler's right.
We cannot let them get this security system.
We need a plan.
Don't involve me.
I'm useless, just like your mom said.
But what did i say? I'm a good boy! You're the best boy.
Ellen, turn on your side.
If we can't prove stan's a good guard dog, they're gonna get that security system.
This plan will work.
We've been preparing for it all day.
I'm gonna need a "go," "no-go" from all departments.
Speakers outside? Go.
Sound effects? Go.
Carnival monkey? Go.
Mannequin? Go.
All right, stan.
You ready? I was born ready.
Actually, when I was born, I couldn't see, and I couldn't walk.
And my paws were way too big for my body.
But I'm ready now! All right.
Let's do this! Yeah! Operation standing guard will commence in three TwoOne Mom! Dad! I I think there's someone outside! He's right.
I think there's someone out there.
Shh.
The patio! Go, monkey! Look! There's someone over there! Something's about to get asked to put their left hand on my right shoulder.
Let stan try! Go get 'em, stan! I saw someone out there.
Where'd he go? Well, where's stan? I don't know! The window! Stan, get it.
Get it.
Okay, this is getting serious.
I'm calling the police.
Where is my phone?! I left it right here! I-I can't find mine, either! I think I saw them in the kitchen! Let's go! Avery! What about the phones? I can't find my phone! Look! Get off me, you crazy mutt! Let me go! This dog is too vicious! Yet handsome and majestic.
I think he's leaving.
He's getting in his car! Stan, you were awesome.
And you really saved the day, boy.
Wow.
So I guess we don't need that security system.
No No way And I guess you won't have to take those self-defense classes.
That's right.
You don't need that.
Mm-mmm.
And I guess I don't have to hide that barn snake I took from the dude ranch.
What? What? We did it! Whoo! Great job.
Way to go, mannequin.
Way to go, stan! Yeah.
Whoa! Can I come in? Yeah! Come on in! Yep.
Hi.
Hi.
I know that little scene you guys did downstairs was a fake.
It was his idea! It was her idea! What do you mean? Are we in trouble? Well I was thinking this could be our little secret, not tell mom.
As long as she thinks stan can protect us, she'll stay out of that self-defense class and stop with the sneak-attacks.
Hi, guys.
There's my Stealthy lady now.
I just came to congratulate stan on a job well done.
Ah! That's what I was doing.
I know you kids staged the whole thing.
It was his idea! It was her idea! I'm so confused.
Fine.
Let's not say anything to day about it, though.
Now that he thinks stan's a guard dog, he's not getting that stupid security system.
Our little secret, okay? That was close.
Man.
Whew.
Whew! Avery never lost faith in me, and that means a lot.
And being the family watchdog gives me a real sense of purpose.
I've also been working on some hobbies to fill my time.
You know what turned out to be really great? Going to a dude ranch! Hey, Tyler.
Mom was showing me some of her self-defense moves, and I was wondering if I could try one out on you.
Come on.
There's no way a little thing like you is gonna be able to try any kind of moves on me.
Whoa! That was just lucky.
There's no way you could actually do that Oh, cool.
Can I try? Yeah.
No.
No.
That was brilliant.
Why does everyone keep doing that to me?