Doug (1991) s01e11 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
[ laughing]
Doug:
SOME SAY COOKING IS AN ART.
OTHERS SAY
IT'S MORE LIKE A SCIENCE.
HELP!
Doug:
WE GOT TO BEA
THAT THING DOWN.
AFTER TODAY, I WOULD SAY
THAT COOKING IS MORE LIKE
AN ATTACK FROM OUTER SPACE.
OH, NO!
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ barks]
IT ALL STARTED
IN MRS. WINGO'S CLASS.
AS PART OF OUR
HOME-EC LESSON
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A BAKE-OFF TOMORROW.
Girls:
YEAH!
Boys:
BOO!
HEY, COOKING'S FOR GIRLS.
AT THE END OF CLASS,
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
WHOM I WILL BE CHOOSING
All:
AW!
WILL PRESENT YOUR DISH
TO THE REST OF THE CLASS.
WHICHEVER TEAM COOKS THE
TASTIEST AND MOST ORIGINAL DISH
WILL BE DECLARED THE
WINNER OF THE BAKE-OFF.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
TEAM ONE IS BEEBE BLUFF
AND SKEETER VALENTINE.
Class:
OOH!
HEY, VALENTINE, YOU TWO GOING
TO BAKE A WEDDING CAKE?
[ raspberries]
BOY, A BAKE-OFF CONTEST.
I CAN GRILL
A PRETTY MEAN CHEESE SANDWICH.
LE GRILLED FROMAGE SANDWICH.
[ sizzling]
VOILA.
OH, DOUG, I'M SO IMPRESSED.
Mrs. Wingo:
OH, DOUG.
DOUG FUNNIE.
YOU'RE COOKING WITH
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, PATTI?
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY PARTNER?
OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT, DOUG.
IT'S JUST I CAN'T COOK.
THE ONE TIME
I DID TRY COOKING
I FILLED OUR WHOLE
HOUSE WITH SMOKE.
OH, THAT HAPPENS
TO EVERYBODY.
JUST IN CASE,
CAN WE GET TOGETHER
AND PRACTICE COOKING
SOMETHING TONIGHT?
IS YOUR HOUSE OKAY?
M-M-MY HOUSE?
SURE.
THAT'D BE FINE.
THE LOVEBIRDS ARE
PLAYING HOUSE TONIGHT.
CAN I BE THE BABY?
SINCE THERE ARE
AN ODD NUMBER OF STUDENTS
THE LAST PERSON
WILL BE PAIRED WITH ME
AND THAT PERSON IS
ROGER KLOTZ.
[ screams]
[ laughing]
PATTI'S COMING, AND
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT.
FIRST, THE RIGHT RECIPE.
SOMETHING NOT TOO HARD,
BUT NOT TOO SIMPLE.
SOMETHING DIFFERENT,
YET FAMILIAR.
HMM.
NOT A BIG SELECTION.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
PORKCHOP?
YEAH, MR. DINK WILL HAVE
SOME COOKBOOKS.
SURE, I'VE GOT COOKBOOKS
BUT FIRST, I WOULD LIKE
YOU TO MEET JULIA.
WHY, SURE.
WHO'S JULIA, MR. DINK?
WHY, THAT'S JULIA.
SHE'S THE LATES
IN MICRO-CYBERNETIC
ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGEN
ALL-IN-ONE KITCHEN
COOKING UNIT.
WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
VERY EXPENSIVE.
BONJOUR,JULIA.
Bonjour,Bud,
how are you feeling today?
FINE, THANKS FOR ASKING.
HOW ABOUT A FROSTY
CHOCOLATE SHAKE, DOUGLAS?
JULIA, ONE CHOCOLATE
SHAKE, PLEASE.
A milk shake, Bud.
You just had one
ten minutes ago!
You're making a pig
of yourself.
IT'S FOR THE BOY, JULIA.
Oh, I'm afraid
I can't trust you, Bud.
Here.
Eat this carrot
instead.
WELL, MAYBE NEX
TIME, DOUGLAS.
YOU HAVE
COOKING TO DO.
HERE, HAVE A CARROT.
MR. DINK INSPIRED ME.
I DECIDED A CARROT CAKE
WOULD BE A GOOD THING
FOR ME AND PATTI TO MAKE.
Mrs. Funnie:
PATTI'S HERE.
HEY, DOUG, I HOPE
YOU DON'T MIND ME BRINGING THIS.
I JUST CAME FROM PRACTICE.
I DON'T MIND.
THANKS FOR
NOT LAUGHING
WHEN I TOLD YOU
I WAS A LOUSY COOK.
HEY, NO PROBLEM.
POUR IN ONE CUP MILK.
OOPS!
IS SOMETHING
WRONG?
NOT A THING.
POUR ONE CUP
OF FLOUR IN,
PATTI, AND STIR
[ coughing:]
PATTI, PATTI
NEXT STEP,
SEPARATE THE EGGS.
PATTI, CAN YOU
DO THAT?
SURE, NO PROBLEM.
OKAY, THEY'RE SEPARATED.
HAVE YOU MIXED
THE BATTER?
UM, NOT YET.
WAIT, PATTI!
NO!
I'M SORRY.
I TOLD YOU
I COULDN'T COOK.
IT'S JUST THAT I NEVER LEARNED.
I WAS ALWAYS BUSY
WITH BALLE
OR BASEBALL OR SOMETHING.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, PATTI.
I SHOULD JUST CALL IN SICK.
THERE'S NO USE IN US FLUNKING
BECAUSE OF ME.
YOU CAN'T.
WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
A CAKE WAS
A LITTLE TOO HARD
TO START OUT WITH.
Pizza, Pizza
Patti:
THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING I CAN HANDLE.
THAT'S IT, PATTI.
THAT'S WHAT, DOUG?
LOOK!
I BET IF WE
MADE A PIZZA
YOU'D DO GREAT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOUG?
IT SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
THREE EGGS.
THREE EGGS, CHECK!
TWO CUPS FLOUR.
TWO CUPS FLOUR, CHECK!
ONE CUP OF SUGAR.
ONE CUP SUGAR, CHECK!
STIR VIGOROUSLY 50 TIMES
WITH A LARGE WOODEN SPOON.
50 TIMES
CHECK.
LET SIT FOR
FIVE MINUTES.
CHECK!
THANKS FOR THE BREAK, BEEBE.
NO, SKEETER, ITSITS
FOR FIVE MINUTES, NOT YOU!
OH, MRS. WINGO, WHY DO I
HAVE TO WEAR THIS GOOFY HAT?
IT'S WHAT ALL THE GREA
CHEFS WEAR, ROGER.
LET'S FOCUS ON OUR COOKING,
SHALL WE?
Girl:OH, OH!
Boy 1:
IT'S BURNING!
Boy 2:
IT'S GOING
TO BLOW!
JIMMY, VANESSA,
GET AWAY FROM THERE!
I'LL JUS
BE A MINUTE.
YOU GO AHEAD
AND GET STARTED.
NO PROBLEM, ANY KNUCKLEHEAD
CAN MAKE BANANA PUDDING.
YOU JUST FOLLOW THE RECIPE.
STEP ONE, TAKE EIGHT BANANAS
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX
HEY! I'LL JUST SUBTRACT TWO
FROM EVERYTHING!
KLOTZ, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
HEY, THIS IS GREAT, DOUG.
I NEVER THOUGHT COOKING
COULD BE SO FUN!
OOP!
YOU'RE A NATURAL,
PATTI.
YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, DOUG?
WE MAKE A GREAT TEAM.
YEAH, PATTI,
I GUESS WE DO.
A FEW MORE MINUTES
AND IT'S DONE.
YOU KNOW, SKEETER, I DON'T THINK
THAT THIS COOKING STUFF
IS AS HARD AS THEY SAY IT IS.
SKEETER?
SKEETER?
[ snoring]
YUCK!
THAT SUBTRACT TWO THING
WASN'T SUCH A GENIUS IDEA!
I GOT TO DITCH THIS DISASTER.
IS IT OKAY?
IT SMELLS LIKE A PIZZA.
YOU DID IT, DOUG.
NO, WEDID IT.
HEY, I CAN'T SEE
ANYTHING!
ROGER, WATCH OUT!
WHOA!
WHOA!
WHEW! IT'S OKAY, PATTI.
OH, NO!
OH, WELL, NO USE CRYING
OVER SPILT PUDDING.
SAYONARA,SUCKERS.
WELL, IT WAS NICE
WHILE IT LASTED.
WE DIDN'T EVEN TASTE I
TO SEE IF IT WAS OKAY.
THAT'S THE END
OF THAT.
HUH?
WELL, I GUESS WE
SHOULD GET CLEANED UP.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
HEY, YOU GUYS
YOUR BANANA PIZZA
IS GREAT!
EVERYBODY IS GOING
CRAZY OVER IT!
HUH?
HUH?
Girl:
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
HEY, THIS BANANA PIZZA
IS WONDERFUL!
HOW DID YOU THINK UP
SUCH A CREATIVE DISH?
WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD
SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
AW!
HUH?
[ laughing]
EVERYTHING TURNED OUT
FOR THE BEST.
BANANA PIZZA IS THE RAGE
OF THE BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL
AND I WAS JUST GLAD TO HEAR
PATTI SAY WE MADE A GREAT TEAM.
HOW'S THAT PIZZA COMING?
[ yelping]
WHA?! HEAD FOR THE
HIGH GROUND, PORKCHOP.
YOUR PIZZA'S OUT OF CONTROL!
Mr. Dink:
HEY TIPPY, GET A LOAD OF THIS!
THERE I WAS, DOUG FUNNIE,
IN THE FOREIGN LEGION
THE LAST REFUGE FOR MURDERERS,
SPIES AND ASSASSINS.
AND MY CRIME?
ALL I DID WAS LOSE
MY BEST FRIEND'S BABY BROTHER.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS?
I GUESS IT ALL STARTED
LAST SATURDAY
WHEN I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH SKEETER.
YO, DOUG, SO WHAT'S
COOKING WITH YOU TODAY?
OH, NOTHING.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
MY DAD HAS THIS REALLY
COOL PICNIC TODAY.
[ cooing]
[ barking]
[ cooing]
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
DALE'S TOO
LITTLE TO GO
AND OUR BABY-
SITTER IS SICK.
THAT'S A DRAG.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
WELL, THAT'S
WHERE YOU COME IN.
HUH?
DOUG, OLD BUDDY,
OLD PAL
YOU'D MAKE A GREA
BABY-SITTER.
ME, BABY-SIT?
I'VE NEVER BEEN
A BABY-SITTER BEFORE.
IT'S NOT SO HARD.
WATCHING DALE IS
A PIECE OF CAKE.
REALLY?
A PIECE OF CAKE
Dale:
OW!
WAY TO GO, MAN!
SEE, YOU'RE A NATURAL.
[ knocking on door]
Judy:
COME!
JUDY, YOU HAD TO
BABY-SIT ME, RIGHT?
WELL, I NEED YOUR
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE
ABOUT CHILD CARE.
YOU BABY-SIT?
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
JUDY!
IF YOU'RE REALLY SERIOUS
THERE'S ONE THING
YOU NEED TO KNOW.
TO FULLY UNDERSTAND
A CHILD
YOU HAVE TO
BECOME A CHILD.
DOES LITTLE JUNIOR
WANT A NAP?
NO!
JUDY, THIS
ISN'T HELPING.
OKAY, OKAY.
DO IT THE EASY WAY.
TAKE THIS.
THEY'LL LAUGH EVERY TIME.
[ honks]
IT'S PERFECT.
YOU, YOU'RE
BABY-SITTING!
WHAT ARE YOU NUTS?
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT BABY-SITTING?
NO, BEEBE, BUT I THOUGH
YOU GUYS MIGHT.
WELL, THE KEY IS TO LET THEM
HAVE WHATEVER THEY WANT.
THAT'S WHAT ALL MY BABY-SITTERS
DID AND LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT!
MINE!
I BABY-SI
EVERY WEEKEND.
I'VE GOT IT DOWN
TO A SCIENCE.
TRY COLORING BOOKS
AND CRAYONS
FOR STARTERS.
[ hiccup]
FOOD ALWAYS WORKS FOR ME.
THE SWEETER,
THE BETTER.
THE KIND PARENTS
DON'T LIKE.
ONLY ONE THING YOU'RE GOING TO
NEED, FUNNIE-- A GOOD LAWYER.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED ONE
AFTER YOU MESS UP!
I DIDN'T REALIZE
BABY-SITTING WAS SO INVOLVED.
HERE'S THE NUMBER
WHERE WE'LL BE.
CALL IF YOU HAVE
ANY PROBLEMS.
BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.
BE A GOOD
LITTLE SAILOR.
GOOD LUCK, DOUG.
DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO.
[ horn beeps]
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
OKEYDOKEY, RIGHT, DALE?
PORKCHOP, I THINK
HE LIKES ME.
NOW, DALE
DALE
MAMA!
[ screaming and crying]
I WONDER IF THEY'RE THERE YET!
THEY'LL LAUGH EVERY TIME.
LOOK, DALE.
I'VE GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
[ screaming]
We interrupt this program
for our special coverage
of Operation Babysit.
Here's correspondent
Trip McSumack.
I'M AT THE VALENTINE HOME
WHERE DOUG FUNNIE MADE
HIS FIRST STRATEGIC MISTAKE.
HE TRIED TO BE A CLOWN
AND TERRIFIED A BABY.
THIS IS TRIP McSUMACK
REPORTING LIVE
FROM OPERATION BABY-SITTING.
OH, GREAT!
FOOD ALWAYS
WORKS FOR ME.
THE SWEETER,
THE BETTER
MR. SWIRLY'S
BUTTER BRICKLE ICE CREAM.
HEY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE, TOO.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU FIRST.
[ as a pilot:]
THIS IS BUTTER BRICKLE
CALLING THE TOWER, ROGER.
WE'RE REQUESTING
CLEARANCE FOR A LANDING.
OOPS!
WE NEED A COSTUME
CHANGE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
A QUICK CHANGE AND
YOU'LL BE AS GOOD AS NEW.
WANT TO BE A COWBOY?
NO.
A SPACEMAN?
NO.
A MONKEY?
A RACE CAR DIVER?
[ raspberries]
THE KEY IS TO
LET THEM HAVE
WHATEVER THEY
WANT; TRUST ME.
OKAY, DALE,
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
YOO-HOO, DALE,
ARE YOU DRESSED YET?
DALE!
HIS MOM'S GOING TO KILL ME
IF SHE SEES HIM LIKE THIS.
HOLD STILL!
OH, HO, PEE PEE.
NOW WHAT TO DO?
TRY COLORING BOOKS
AND CRAYONS
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU IN THERE.
COLOR, COLOR, COLOR.
COLORING IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE THINGS TO DO, TOO.
I COULD COLOR FOR HOURS
AND HOURS AND HOURS.
HEY LOOK, PORKCHOP,
IT'S TIME FOR UNCLE GRUNTY.
Announcer:
Welcome to Uncle Grunty
and The Barnyard Gang.
[ ringing]
VALENTINE RESIDENCE.
OH, HEY, MRS. VALENTINE.
HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM
COLORING RIGHT NOW.
NO, OF COURSE, HE'S NO
IN THERE COLORING ALONE.
ONLY A DOPE WOULD
LET HIM DO THAT.
WELL, THANKS FOR CALLING, BYE.
DALE!
GIVE ME THAT!
WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?
NO!
Announcer:
This is an
Operation Babysitting update.
DOUG IS LOSING TO BABY DALE.
HE TRIED A COUNTERATTACK
WITH ICE CREAM
BUT WAS HURT BY A SKIRMISH
INVOLVING CRAYONS.
STAY TUNED TO SEE WHA
THE PARENTS WILL SAY.
TRIP McSUMACK, LIVE
DALE HEY, DALE
I THINK HE'S STILL MAD
AT ME FOR YELLING AT HIM.
DALE?
DALE?
DALE?
DALE?
DALE!
ONLY ONE THING YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED, FUNNIE--
A GOOD LAWYER
WE'RE HERE LIVE WHERE
DOUG FUNNIE IS SEEKING ASYLUM.
TELL US, DOUG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
WELL, TRIP, LET ME JUST SAY
WHA?
MY LAWYER ADVISES ME
NOT TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.
BUT, DOUG
I'M SORRY, NO COMMENT.
I'VE GOT TO GE
A HOLD OF MYSELF.
YOU KNOW WHA
I'VE DONE WRONG?
[ barks]
I LISTENED TO EVERYONE BUT ME.
I'M GOING TO DO IT MY WAY.
[ barking]
NOT NOW, PORKCHOP,
I'VE GOT TO FIND DALE.
PORKCHOP!
OH, NO!
OH, NO, THEY'RE BACK.
OKAY, OKAY, THINK FAST.
MY WAY, MY WAY, OKAY.
IF I WERE TWO YEARS OLD,
WHERE WOULD I HIDE?
Judy:
DOUG, WHERE ARE YOU?
IF I DON'T FIND YOU,
MOM WILL KILL ME.
PLUS, I DOUBT IF I'LL GET PAID.
DOUG!
OH, FORGET IT!
THEY DON'T PAY ME
ENOUGH FOR THIS.
COME ON, COME ON!
Skeeter:
YO, DOUG!
OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP?
COOL HAT.
OH, THERE YOU ARE DOUG.
HOW DID IT GO?
WHERE'S DALE?
WELL WELL YOU SEE
MAMA! DADDY!
OH, MY LITTLE ANGEL
YOU SEE, JIM
I TOLD YOU HE WOULDN'
GIVE DOUG ANY TROUBLE.
HEY, COOL, DOUG.
YOU FOUND DALE'S
FAVORITE HIDING PLACE.
YEAH, PIECE OF CAKE.
GOOD WORK, BOY.
BAIT 'EM AND
REEL 'EM IN.
THAT'S WHAT ALWAYS WORKS.
HOW ABOUT YOU BEING
OUR NUMBER-ONE BABY-SITTER
FROM NOW ON?
HEY, COOL.
HOW ABOUT IT, DOUG?
UH UH CAN I GE
BACK TO YOU ON THAT?
DEAR JOURNAL, I'M GLAD
ON MY FIRST BABY-SITTING JOB
I DIDN'T LOSE THE BABY, AND I
LEARNED SOMETHING REAL VALUABLE.
YOU CAN DEPEND ON FRIENDS
TO GIVE YOU ADVICE
BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO JUST
TO DO THINGS YOUR WAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PORKCHOP?
PORKCHOP?
HEY!
YOU SCARED ME
TO DEATH
DISAPPEARING LIKE
THAT, PORKCHOP.
WATCH OUT OR I'LL
"BAIT YOU AND
REEL YOU IN!"
"COME HERE, SWEETIE.
SUCH A GOOD LITTLE
BOY, SO WELL BEHAVED."
[ laughing]
EAT YOUR PIZZA!
EAT YOUR PIZZA, YES SIR
YOU SHOULD EAT YOUR PIZZA
IN YOUR FACE! ♪
PIZZA!