Empty Nest (1988) s01e11 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on sorry to put you on hold, Mrs.
skillman.
Uh-huh.
No, I wouldn't worry.
It's perfectly normal for them to touch themselves at that age.
No, ma'am, I wouldn't know if he gets it from his father.
Uh-huh.
Bye, now.
Good morning, Laverne! So did you have a good weekend? Well, Saturday, I did laundry, and Sunday, I cleaned the bathroom grout.
Not bad.
Now then well, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Aren't you going to ask about my weekend? A person asks about your weekend, it is customary to ask about theirs.
All right.
How was it? That's very personal.
I'd rather not go into it.
You must really like this Paula.
What makes you say that? Well, the first clue was that Cologne you're wearing.
Entered the room about five minutes before you did.
Now you're making jokes that aren't even in the neighborhood of funny.
Now you're picking flowers.
Puttin' 'em in your lapel.
Okay, right, yes.
No, Paula is just something very special.
We went dancing Saturday night.
I cannot remember the last time I had so much fun.
Well, that's real nice.
Now! You got 20 calls to return.
The waitin' room's full.
You have to work through lunch.
And Dr.
Fuller wants you to cover for him all this week on night rounds.
Okeydokey.
Boy, you've got it bad.
Room one.
Jeffrey millstein.
- Jeffrey? - He needs to talk to you.
But I thought he was seeing a therapist.
His therapist's on vacation, no doubt largely financed by that young 'un in there.
Oh, hi, Mr.
millstein.
Hello.
Hello, Dr.
Weston.
Hi, Jeffrey.
How you? Laverne tells me your therapist is on vacation.
That's right, Dr.
Weston.
Ah, that must be a little rough on you, huh? I've had mood swings, of course.
But, frankly, I have some doubts about Dr.
Phillips.
Really? He's a very respected therapist.
He's mired in classical freudianism, Dr.
Weston.
He keeps focusing on the oedipal drama, completely ignoring the possibility of a disturbance of the self.
Does he ever, like, play tetherball or No.
Oh, uh, why don't you tell me now what the problem is today? A few weeks ago, I took Jeffrey to see snow white.
And, well, he got scared.
He was afraid he'd fall asleep and wake up to find seven strange little men in his room.
Well, Dr.
Phillips talked him through that one.
But then last night, the babysitter let him watch that movie, the omen, on TV, and, uh, well, you tell him.
I think I'm the antichrist.
Hi.
You must be Laverne.
I'm Paula Conroy.
Well, you got a rose too.
This is just too cute.
- Come on in, Paula.
- Thank you.
You're all he's been talking about.
I know this is a bad time, but I was hoping that I might just see him for a minute.
I thought he might get a kick out of this picture of us dancing the tango at the club dance the other night.
Isn't he adorable? Well, I wouldn't get this thing blown up to poster size.
We had a great time.
He's so funny.
He must keep you laughing all day.
Yeah, it's a regular mirth fest, all right.
Thank you so much, Dr.
Weston.
All right, you're welcome.
- What a nice surprise.
- Hi.
Hi.
Oh! Have you two met? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes, we have.
I just wanted to give you this.
Ahh ha! That's great.
Oh, we should have this blown up like poster size.
I filled two cups.
Want me to go for three? That's all right, son.
We're not trying to set any records here.
Paula, I love this.
Thank you so much.
I have another surprise for you.
Oh? I got us tickets for the jazz festival at epcot this weekend.
Great, I haven't been to a festival in years.
Dizzy gillpie's gonna be there.
- Ah, dizzy.
- Miles Davis.
- Oh! - And Sarah Vaughn.
Sarah Vaughn.
Oh, this sounds fabulous.
Oh, gee, wait a minute.
I have a lunch date with Carol and Barbara on Saturday.
- Ohh.
- No, no, no, no.
This is too good to pass up.
They'll understand.
- You sure? - I've I'm sure.
Oh, terrific I can't wait.
Me too.
And I got us a room at a wonderful hotel.
You're going to love it.
A hotel? Ahem.
Excuse me.
A hotel? Well, it's a two-day festival.
It just doesn't make sense to drive back and forth each day.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, not at all.
No, but I-i really, I should talk to the girls and, you know, make sure.
Of course, just as long as you let me know tonight, so I can confirm the hotel.
- Okay, right.
- I'll call you.
Okay.
About nine? Mm-hmm.
Ah, dreyfuss, I don't know what to do.
I mean, Paula's gonna be calling in a little while, and I don't know what to tell her.
This is this is like a big step.
This is not something to be taken lightly.
This is a decision that could affect my entire life.
Here You decide.
See? It's a tough one, huh? Right? - Hi, daddy.
- Hi, baby.
I hope you feel like Italian.
Sounds a-good.
Here, I'll set the table.
Uh, listen, honey, how would you feel if I cancel our lunch date Saturday? That's fine.
We can have lunch anytime.
What if I told you the reason is that Paula Conroy wants me to spend the weekend at a hotel with her? Well, what do you know? Daddy's gonna take a roll in the hay.
I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable about this conversation here.
I don't think this is something perhaps that a father should be discussing with his daughter.
I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place if a certain dog had been more helpful.
There's nothing wrong with spending the weekend together.
I can't decide whether to go or not.
Why wouldn't you go? You like Paula, don't you? Yeah, of course I do.
But it's not that simple.
I mean, right now, everything is great with us.
But after this weekend, the whole nature of the relationship is gonna change.
Suddenly, she's gonna get upset if a few dons go by and a haven't called her.
People will start thinking of us as a couple.
And the notion of pet names I know is gonna come up.
She's gonna want to call me pumpkin or boo, or something like that.
Well, daddy, I think you're taking this a little further than you need to.
Well, the truth is, it is more than just Paula.
I'm talking about becoming an eligible bachelor.
I'm talking about opening doors I'm not quite sure I want to have opened yet.
Can I make a suggestion? What? When Carol gets here Don't tell her about this.
You want me to intentionally deceive your sister? Yes.
Daddy, you know Carol.
She can barley deal with the thought of you dating.
Come on, she's adjusting to it.
The last time you went out, she hyperventilated.
Well, a few minutes with a paper bag, and she was back to normal.
- Oh! - Come on.
I am not gonna lie to your sister, now.
Whom, by the way, I think you are grossly underestimating.
Sorry I'm late.
Some cop gave me a ticket for speeding on the way over.
- Were you? - Of course not.
It's dangerous to speed while you're putting on eyeliner.
So what's new? Uh Carol, baby, I was thinking about canceling our lunch this Saturday and going to a jazz festival with Paula Conroy.
I know, I mean, I know daddy, I have some problems in this area, I know.
But they're my problems, and whatever you do, you're still my father, and I love you.
Well, thank you very much.
That's very mature of you.
Very mature.
And anyway, listen, I can get back early enough on Sunday.
We could still all have dinner together.
- How about that? - Sunday? What does that mean, when you get back Sunday? Well, it's a two-day festival.
You mean you're spending the night with this woman? Daddy, what would mom say if she were here now? If she were here now, she'd say, "I want a divorce.
" Please Carol, I know your mother would want me to get on with my life.
Baby, please don't Here we go.
Here we go.
With the hyperventilating here.
- I'll get the paper bag.
- No, no, no, no! I'm okay.
She's handling this very well.
I am.
What I just did is a little neurotic, I admit.
But now I am perfectly rational, and I think for daddy to go on this weekend Would be a mistake.
Daddy, this is Carol's problem.
Don't let her influence you.
Daddy, think about this.
I mean, really, really think about this.
If this were right, I mean really right, you wouldn't be having all these doubts, would you? She has a point.
You said yourself this was a big step.
It's only natural to have doubts.
Anyone would.
That's also a good point.
There'll be other weekends.
Why not wait until you're sure? You're gonna have to confront this problem eventually, daddy.
Putting it off is not the answer.
Daddy, Paula Conroy is a communist.
Okay, I got a little nutsy.
It's okay, dear.
Well, no, thank you.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing? Nothing, I think we have talked this through quite enough, and I do appreciate the input.
But I think I need to be alone right now.
What are you gonna do about this weekend? Yes, what are you going to do? What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna very carefully consider the situation.
I will weigh all of the factors, and then come to a calm and reasonable decision.
God, it's her! Okay, this is it.
This is the big one.
I don't know what to do.
What do I say? Dreyfuss, if you do have the power of speech, now is the time use it.
Great, my dog can't talk.
Hello.
Hi, Paula, dear.
Yeah, fine.
Ah, yes, I did talk to the girls.
What's the story? I'm going.
I am going.
I am, and I can't wait.
Bye, dear.
If you're about to say something, now it is too late.
Take your advice elsewhere.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, you going someplace? Yeah, Paula Conroy and I are gonna spend the weekend at the epcot jazz festival.
All right, you're gonna score! Oh, will you stop it? It's just too bad you have to put up with two days of jazz to do it.
I love jazz.
That doesn't matter.
The important thing is, you're gonna score.
Charley, this weekend is about much more than just that.
It's about relationships.
It's about starting over.
It's about scoring.
Would you stop with the scoring? Look, it took me a few days to feel good about this weekend.
I mean, this is the first woman since Libby.
Come on.
That's over two years ago.
What about your old mistresses? Don't tell me you didn't look any of them up.
What mistresses? What mis What are you talking about, "mistresses"? Heh heh, come on.
This is me, Charley.
You can drop the ozzie Nelson thing.
Every husband cheats.
I didn't.
You expect me to believe that, in over 30 years of marriage, you never once Never.
They're gonna start making little statues of you to put on the dashboard.
Oh! Well, I got to admire your courage.
It takes guts to do what you're doing.
What? What am I doing? Your first new woman in over 32 years? I mean, if it were me, I'd be terrified.
You make it sound like I haven't had sex in 32 years.
I was married, remember? - Wife doesn't count.
- Why not? I don't know.
They just don't.
The point is Sex has changed a lot in the last three decades.
Must you use the word "decades"? Let's talk about orgasms for a minute.
I'm not sure I want to Charley.
Women have three different kinds now.
Three? Three kinds? Maybe four by now.
I don't know, I'm dead I haven't read today's paper.
Frankly, I blame cosmo for a lot of this.
C cosmo? Cosmopolitan.
They're like orgasm central.
Come on, this is crazy.
I have nothing to worry about.
I mean, Paula is just as old-fashioned as I am.
Really? Whose idea was the hotel? Charley, go home.
Okay.
But can I give you one piece of advice first? What? If you really like this girl I do.
Test fire that thing first.
Ah, get out! Here we go.
Oh, dinner was wonderful.
But dessert Dessert was delicious.
The texture was just perfect.
And the way it melted in your mouth mmm! It's hard to find really good cotton candy.
I've had the most wonderful day.
So did I.
And a full day.
The festival, epcot, dinner, bowling, cotton candy place, ah, and miniature golf.
Hey, I'm sorry about that thing with the windmill.
I don't know where you find your energy.
It seems every time we thought out calling it a day and heading back here, you came up with something else to do.
Yeah.
You know, you do look a little beat, and we do have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.
It might not be a bad idea for you to get yourself some sleep here.
Oh, I have some strength left.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
How about a little nineball? I know a great pool hall down the street.
A walk? A walk could be fun.
It's good for the circulation.
There are other ways to get the heart pumping.
I'll be back in a minute.
Oh, if you get bored, there's some magazines and books in my bag.
I mean, I don't get this.
I mean, this woman never gets tired.
Heh.
Heh.
Ho ho ho, ho ho.
Come on, just come on, relax, will you? Why don't you just Whew.
Let's just relax.
Okay, take Relax.
But not on the bed, no.
This is better.
This is a chair.
This is good.
This is good.
Good.
I I'm I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
All I know is, I want you.
Male narrator: And so while the snail is considered a pest by the gardener, he is nevertheless a fascinating creature.
And while the quality most often associated with the snail is that of being slow and plodding, as you can see here, when it comes to mating, this fella can hold his own, with even the famed rabbit.
Ohh.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Cosmopolitan.
Of course, what else? Oh, my a fourth one? They found the fourth one! What kind of scientists are these people? What is Hi.
Hi! Sorry that took so long, but you know women.
Heh heh, oh, yeah.
Paula Harry, come sit with me.
Over there? Yes.
Okay All right.
Harry Yes? I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed the time we've spent together.
You're very dear to me.
I feel the same way about you.
I'm sorry, dear.
I'm sorry.
It's it's not you.
It's me.
I thought I was ready for this, but obviously I am not.
This may shock you, but you are the first woman I've been with since Libby died.
I figured that.
You did? Why? What, you don't think women find me attractive? Harry, I'm not blind.
I knew from the moment that I suggested the hotel that this would be difficult for you.
I was hoping that I might ease you through it.
I feel like a school kid here.
This is so scary.
I mean, Libby and I, we had 32 years to get to know each other.
You and I, we're just a month we've known each other.
I don't know if you like being tickled behind the left ear or I don't know how you would feel about the things I say in a moment of passion.
What do you say? I'd rather not go into that.
What? No, nothing.
No, it's silly, out of context.
Plus, you have to be familiar with the movie yankee doodle dandy.
Harry, you are not alone in this.
I know alone would be a lot easier.
What I mean is that men aren't all alike.
Women have to make adjustments too.
It's not true.
I mean, there's no comparison.
It's not the same thing.
I mean, woman are much more complicated than men.
With a woman, there are 100 different things a man can do right or wrong.
With a guy, one button you push, a jackpot.
Harry, that is not true.
It is true.
It is true.
Plus, now, with four kinds of orgasms? There are four? I thought there were three.
No, they found another one.
You know, Cosmopolitan did.
Oh.
I haven't read it yet.
Well, you're in for a treat.
They have flowcharts.
Harry, you are a very funny man.
Harry, I care about you very much.
And the reason I wanted to make love with you wasn't because I want to put you through some kind of sexual proving ground.
It's because I want to get closer to you.
I want to get as close as two people can get.
But it doesn't have to be tonight.
It doesn't have to be this weekend.
Whenever you're ready.
I'll wait.
You are such a kind and sensitive and wonderful woman, and I cannot tell you What a relief it is to know, that you're willing to wait, because I really don't want to lose you.
And when the time is right, indeed, believe me, I want to get close to you very much.
You are a very exciting lady.
Thank you.
That's some negligee you got there.
What is that, silk? Yes.
I like the Lacy part.
You know, where it sort of reveals, and at the same time, it doesn't reveal? Anyway, I thank you very much For understanding that I just I can't Make love right now.
It's okay.
Thank you.
Listen Excuse me Seeing as that I'm new at this, how do you feel about three out of four? Mmm I'm a yankee doodle dandy