Enlisted (2014) s01e11 Episode Script

Listen Baby Why don't I come over.
We'll throw on some Anita Baker and see where the night takes us.
Sorry, baby.
It's go-time.
When? Hello? General Murray's on his way to inspect the post.
Start prepping.
How soon will he be here? Two days.
Then why do we have to do this now? Because it's the General Murray! Do I have to come down there and put my fake foot in your real butt? Surprise inspection.
Wake up! Yes, Sergeant! Are you kidding? It's 2:00 a.
m.
General Murray's on his way to inspect us.
Hurry up.
Cody's obsessed with that guy.
He always finds something wrong.
Everyone knows it's pointless.
Living quarters ready! Hooah! Randy doesn't count.
This will go quickly as long as you don't have any contraband.
Like that hot plate you got sitting there on your fridge.
What do you even have that thing for? You know I'm a soup guy.
What, am I supposed to bake my pepper pot bisque in the microwave like some animal? Got to confiscate it.
This is the part of the Army that I hate.
There's no reason to take this away.
Having a little bowl of soup every once in a while is the only thing that makes me happy, and by that I mean eases my depression into a bearable sadness.
You know what? Fine.
It's early.
I'm tired.
I think it's a stupid rule, too.
Just hide it, all right? Wow.
I can't believe you're being so chill about this.
I'm gonna hug you.
What? I'm gonna make you the best damn bowl of bisque you've ever had.
Permission to love you too, Sergeant.
Just get off.
The Army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
At ease.
What the hell? You look like a bunch of Bratz dolls.
Thanks, Chill Pete.
And thank you for letting us express ourselves.
My morale is at a peak.
I'm playing Donkey Kong! Sorry.
I thought you asked me what I was doing.
What is going on? Derrick told them you're chill now.
All I said was that you were cool about my hot plate.
And hey, what's wrong with being Chill Pete? He's so much better than "Shouty Pete.
" Do you understand we're getting inspected?! Okay, Shouty Pete's a bummer.
Look at these dog tags.
"Blood type: Tiger"? Oh, it's supposed to say "Tigger," 'cause everywhere I go, I bounce on tail.
That went from cute to gross.
Just put it all away before Sergeant Major Cody sees you.
Sergeant Hill! There are cameras in here.
Smile, y'all.
We on camera.
I look good, right? It was a miscommunication.
What miscommunication lets Private Park think she can walk around wearing kitty earrings? Hey-o.
Word has it General Murray's gonna inspect the post.
Indeed he is.
General Murray is my mentor and the standard by which all Army soldiers are judged.
Yeah, he's my bro.
We all need "bros.
" West Point peeps! Anyway, our sole objective is to make this Army post worthy of his visit.
Headline is I agree with you.
But I feel like the meal we're cooking - needs a few more calories.
- What's he talking about? I don't know.
There's a headline and we're cooking something.
My boy Chad who works at the Pentagon told me General Murray goes ping-ping for air shows.
So I've arranged for a squadron of Apaches to fly over in formation.
So, bullet points amuse-bouche, entree and dessert.
I gotta take this text.
West Point.
It can produce a legendary leader like General Murray, or drop a deuce like that guy.
I know.
That guy's the worst, right? Oh, no, we're not bonding here! You need to get your head in the game.
This is no ordinary inspection.
I guess I'm not just as ping-ping as you are for this.
Retract whatever those are.
So, what am I looking at? The only award Fort McGee has ever won: "Best Irish-Named Army Post in South Florida Runner-Up.
" That's depressing.
If you get us a perfect inspection score, General Murray will award us Top Gold Honors.
I know you're trying to manipulate me by appealing to my ego.
Are you gonna win us our very first trophy? My brain can't help but respond to this.
I can literally feel my dopamine levels rising.
You'd be a hero on this post.
Hero? Hooah! It's just so damn easy.
What's with him? He's excited about his General Murray detail.
Want to hear yours? Fill this fridge with snacks.
Seriously? General Murray has an eclectic palate.
Here's his rider.
His rider? What is he, a rock star? Eh, more like an "Iraq star.
" No? I was kind of hoping for something bigger.
This is the only detail that guarantees you General Murray face time.
You mean, like one-on-one? Or am I saying actual words to him? Or maybe he's saying stuff, and I'm just nodding.
Or wait, is he nodding at me? Oh, my God, he's nodding at me.
General Murray can promote you with the snap of a finger.
Snack detail! Hooah! It's so damn easy.
You should have been there, George.
You would have loved it! Hey, Chill Pete.
Hey, brother, that soup is simmering back at the barracks.
And when it blows your taste buds, don't blame me, blame the nutmeg.
No taste buds will be blown, Corporal.
Oh, no.
You don't want soup, you're using formal language.
I can see you're clenching through your pants.
Atten-tion! This is a different chill.
This is a bad chill.
I'm here to confiscate all y'alls contraband! Even mine? All y'alls! No, no, no, they're not clip-ons! Okay, they're clip-ons.
That's the source of my power! But it gives me peace! I got no defense.
Chill Pete is gone.
Hard Ass Pete is here to stay! Hey, y'all, what'd I miss? My inspiration was a pimp that was a mermaid.
What?! I think I captured that.
We have an inspection coming up.
Man, you owe me six dollars.
It'll be conducted by the legendary General Murray, and if done right, we will win that Top Gold trophy.
Now how's that sound? Like being eaten alive by a walrus.
I want my earrings back.
Do you know me at all? Wrong answers.
We're gonna make this post perfect and look as squared away as that stud hanging on that poster up there.
Oh.
Hey, that Oh! Ooh! Hey! Hey.
Wait a minute.
You hung up your own poster? I would never.
He let me do it.
This is such a crock.
And not the kind that you set on low so you can leave the house, come back ten hours later to a decadent orgy of flavors.
That reminds me.
No! This was ranked number one in Soup Enthusiast! They gave it five ladles! All it is to me is contraband.
I thought we were on the same page for once! I hugged you.
I hugged you! Last I checked, the Army didn't bend the rules for hugs.
It's a hard truth, but he's right, Derrick.
You know what, Corporal? Your insubordination has earned you the pleasure of mowing every lawn on this post.
Fine, but know this I will have my revenge.
Okay.
And revenge is a dish best served cold, much like a gazpacho.
I am gonna gazpacho your ass.
Is that even a threat? It is in the soup community.
Sergeant Perez, you should be out getting those snacks.
Understood, Sergeant Major, but some of this stuff is just so weird.
I mean, where do they even carry "That pudding endorsed by Gloria Estefan"? Gloria Este-flan? Chocolate, vanilla, or tres leches? Private Hill, I want you to help Sergeant Perez in her snack detail.
Clearly, she needs it.
It was just that one pudding thing, Sergeant Major.
I don't need help! I Private Randy Hill reporting for duty.
We're gonna get some Jell-O pudding.
Is that supposed to be Bill Cosby? Listening to jazz music in the basement.
Theo's got to go to school so I can deliver the babies.
Hey, Sergeant Perez, wait up! This list is inSane.
I mean, where am I gonna find "Goji juice, black chewing gum, moose jerky"? The co-op, the gun store, guy in a van behind the gun store.
Seriously? How do you know that? I help put together care packages, so I know where to find any soldier comfort item in a ten-mile radius.
This is amazing.
You might actually help me.
Thanks.
I mean, I think that you will find that I'm Boom! Reflexes like a cat! Okay.
Whoa! Leave it! Leave it! To the gun store! General Murray gonna be here in 18 hours! This motor pool needs to be spotless! I want to be able to eat off this floor! I feel like I'm in Annie.
Uh, not sharp enough.
Gummy worms! Gummy worms! Whoopie Pie! Whoopie Pie.
I want to join the Army.
Not even close.
Who was responsible for cleaning this area? Gumble.
- Tanisha.
- It is you.
- No.
- Not Tanisha.
Can I get a straight answer, please? Not shiny enough.
I want to be able to eat off of it.
Let me get a bag of moose jerky.
We're not paying you for elk.
I'm still tasting floor.
What is the lesson here? Not reverent enough.
Dobkiss, what the hell are you doing? It's a topiary dog.
Don't call me dawg.
I'm your sergeant.
No, it's a topiary dog.
That's what I made.
It's a schnauzer.
General Murray wants to see right angles.
Son of a bitch! Corporal Hill! Glad to see you're on board.
He's not on board.
Lieutenant Schneeberger's not the only one with dazzle! This is General Murray's beloved Humvee, Betty Lou.
Had her shipped from Fallujah.
"Go home, Yankee Bluejeans.
" Nice.
I can't wait to see the smile on General Murray's face.
I've never seen him smile.
No one has.
See that she gets cleaned up by tomorrow.
Aw! I don't want to do that.
Do you want to win that Top Gold trophy or not?! No! I want to go to sleep.
Morning, sir.
Oh, boy.
Humvee? More like Bumvee.
Schneeberg out.
That guy sucks.
I'd like to beat him with a bag of tangerines.
Three hours till the general gets here.
Now, come on.
Good Lord, how many knobs must I polish? Don't laugh at that.
Keep working.
Can we please stop to eat? Gumble's got the grumbles.
Never say that again.
I'm sorry, when I get hungry I get adorable.
I don't care if you're all starving.
What do y'all got there? More like what don't we got there.
What? Hey! Do you think this stuff is safe here? Yeah, it'll be fine.
I don't I don't know.
That's creepy.
We need to stand guard.
I don't have time for that.
I have to prep my uniform.
I have to check on my troops.
Then I shall stand guard.
Whatever floats your boat.
Chubowski, you look lean.
A lady never reveals her secrets.
But man-to-man I'm wearing a girdle.
You guys look great.
I got to admit, for the first time ever I actually feel like a real soldier.
Me, too, Sergeant.
Where were you, Corporal? Just had to finish mowing the lawns.
I had to make sure I did it just right.
Put your game faces on.
Well, isn't this a surprise.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
I'd just like to say to all of you that I've never been more proud of you than I am at this moment.
Top Honors or not, we've already won.
Hey, folks, no bigs.
General Murray's not coming.
What? Is he with the president? Are we at war? No, he's at SeaWorld.
SeaWorld? General Murray would never shirk his official duty for R&R.
Message was "Canceling official duties to take some R&R at SeaWorld.
" Hey, Stacey, yeah.
Need to cancel that flyover.
It's Schneeberger.
Just like it sounds.
Are you all right, Sergeant Major? The man by which I define myself just blew me off to feed Shamu.
Well, I-I don't think you actually get to feed Shamu.
Are you helping? Ah, Sergeant Major, I just want to get an idea of what your thoughts were going forward.
Obviously none of this matters.
So do whatever you want! Well, screw this.
We all like Schneeberger, right? He's, like, part of the gang now? Ooh.
The sweet relief.
Did you do this? I-I had something planned, but this is much better.
Chubowski.
Where is everyone? I believe my colleagues think they have the rest of the day off.
Because Sergeant Major blew off some steam? Seriously? It's over.
Attention, all soldiers.
You worked hard for no reason.
So who gives a crap today? Now enjoy some Anita Baker.
I lost my innocence to this song.
What are you doing here? I thought the general flaked.
I didn't hear anything about that.
Yup, so I guess we get to dig in to that booty! You don't have clearance.
I'm gonna get that candy, dawg.
I want some Rolos, son! I'm sorry sons.
Oh! There we go! Go get the-the hammer thing! Hey, this screen is to be used for satellite maps.
And n-now it's for Donkey Kong! He's jumping on Sergeant Hill's head.
I don't get it.
It must be difficult having no authority over us today, huh? I'll tell you what though.
I-I will go away if you give me back my hot plate.
Yeah, I gave that to Sergeant Major Cody to throw in the trash.
Is this a good time? It's all good.
You know, having my feet up on the desk like this is against the rules.
But I don't give a damn.
Some of those rules do seem pretty arbitrary, don't they? They sure do.
Like, why does the Army have a ban on blue pens? Thank you.
Well, let's see how they like this.
Careful now, you don't want to get court-martialed.
Smiley face in blue.
Let's have some soup, huh? We're coming for that candy, Randy.
You don't have clearance.
Then it's on.
Like Donkey Kong.
Randy, why you throwing barrels? Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do-da-loo, do.
Hooah! What are you doing? Freeing his mind.
Put that filthy soup down, Sergeant Major.
It is chaos out there.
Who cares? I work my ass off for that man every year.
But it was all bull.
I feel stupid taking it seriously.
You said General Murray was an idea.
For the past two days, we become that idea.
You pushed me, I pushed them.
And for the first time in their lives, my troops were proud of their post.
Proud to be soldiers.
So your mentor may have let you down, but mine sure as hell didn't.
I know you're trying to manipulate me by appealing to my ego.
It's working.
It doesn't matter if Murray comes.
It's the idea that's important.
Right? What do you think, Corporal? Just burned my hand really bad.
So I'm kind of turning the whole corner on the whole hot plate thing.
It's actually a really dangerous item.
You said nothing matters, so General Murray is on his way! Clean up this crap or you'll be doing push-ups until your pecs explode! I knew those guys were lying.
Somebody help me with this pool! What?! What?! I'm not getting a promotion, so I want candy.
How did you even get in here? I got skills.
Snack attack! The general is on his way right now! Huh?! For real? Yes.
Oh, God! I ate all the snacks.
Everything.
I ate all the candy, Randy! Candy Randy! Randy Candy, that's a really good name for a British candy bar.
Hello! I'm chock-full of toffee, I am.
- Toffee's on I'm Rand - I'm Rand No, no, stop it! Get a hold of yourself, Sergeant Perez! Okay, we still got the secret stash.
What secret stash? In that ammo can.
I hid some snacks just in case.
I grew up with brothers.
I learned to keep my enemies close, but my snacks closer.
You're a really good soldier, Private Hill.
I know.
As tight as you can.
Atten-hut! Let's see what you've got this year.
So that's our post, General.
I hope everything is to your liking This inspection has left me a little peckish.
Savory or sweet, sir? Thank you, Sergeant.
Perez, is it? Hmm.
That was some quality face time.
Thank you so much for your help, Private.
Oh, no.
Emotions.
One last detail, General.
Betty Lou? Sergeant Major, you son of a gun! Did you see him smile? He smiled! Yeah, I know.
It was kind of scary.
Aw, hell, Sergeant Major.
I haven't found one infraction.
I'm awarding this post the Top Gold Honors.
We are honored, sir.
Aw, yeah.
Well, it's no Blue Angel flyover, but I did my best to whip this post into shape, sir.
Well done, Lieutenant.
Your chopper is waiting.
He just took all your credit.
It's all right.
I got my smile.
And I'm gonna get my trophy.
There's no trophy.
Rest.
I guess I should thank you.
You didn't let your little revenge fantasy ruin the day.
Yeah, about that Glad you're happy with the post, sir.
I oversaw every detail.