Evening Shade s01e11 Episode Script

Does anybody remember if Grandma Newton got a bathrobe for last Christmas? How would we know? We don't keep track of stuff like that.
I keep forgetting that I'm talking to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Pigs of Christmas.
Hey, you don't have to get cranky about it.
We just want our share.
Your share? Yeah.
Taylor, Christmas morning there's gonna be so many presents under the tree that we could give them to half the children of the Third World not to mention all the stuff that Santa's gonna bring.
Yeah, right! What what is this, "yeah, right" stuff? Dad, I know Santa Claus is not real.
Where'd you get that idea? Because he couldn't get around the whole world in one night unless he had help from somebody else.
Like who? Federal Express.
Well, that's what you know.
Santa has the fastest sleigh in the world.
Anyways, if there is a Santa, why can't I have a dog? Because we already have a dog.
And Santa feels that two dogs would be too many.
Well, hey, Brownie's getting old.
Why does Santa care? He doesn't have to take care of him.
Because Santa is a personal friend of your mother's and mine, and Santa thinks that one dog is enough.
And we don't want to make Santa angry, do we? Whoa! Hey, nice coat.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, that's your mom's.
That's your mom's.
Put it back.
Put it back.
Ooh, good morning, my little Christmas elves.
My big Christmas elf.
Morning.
Did all my sugar plums get what they wanted for breakfast? Hey, Mom, it's not breakfast I'm worried about.
Hi.
It's Christmas.
Did you, uh, did you go look at those stereos I told you about? Oh, Taylor, I told you not to worry your pretty little head about what I looked at or I didn't look at.
Santa Claus works in mysterious ways.
Oh, yeah, right! Oh, and I'll tell you something else.
I'm not the only one excited about Christmas Baby Newton has been kicking like a tiger all morning.
Here, feel.
Wow.
That's great, honey.
We'll, we'll, we'll hang up an athletic sock for her.
Okay.
Mornin'.
Morning.
Morning.
Oh.
You know what I just realized this morning? What? This is gonna be our first Christmas without Daddy.
Mmm.
Did you all make that Christmas card for him like I asked? We forgot.
Well, don't bother.
The only thing your granddaddy deserves is a swift kick in the pants, which I fully intend to give to him when he gets home.
Why? Mmm.
Oh.
You know how CNN has been putting on the service men, getting them to wish Merry Christmas and everything to their families back home? Well, this time they were out with some military unit someplace, and your daddy was one of the ones who got to send home holiday greetings.
Oh, you're kidding.
What did he say? Hi.
My name is Evan Evans, and I am the editor and publisher of the Evening Shade, Arkansas Argus, and I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to Miss Fontana Beausoleil.
That's all he said? That's it.
Hmm.
I can't believe he didn't say hello to us.
Hello? Honey, he didn't even flip us the bird.
It it's humiliating enough that the whole town knows that my brother's going out with that over-peroxided trailer park trash Frieda, all they're hearing is the name.
Oh, listen, you, the whole world knows a trailer park trash name when they hear one.
Her sister is named Toshiba, after the stereo.
Honey, I gotta run.
Mmm.
Keep your chin up, precious.
Yeah.
Thanks for dropping by, Frieda, and spreading all that Christmas cheer.
I got an idea.
Let's call your dad.
Oh, no, it's, it's two days before Christmas.
We'll never make a connection.
Mmm.
I got an idea.
Why don't you get Santa to help you? Ha! Is he being sarcastic? I'm afraid so, yeah.
He doesn't believe Santa Claus is real.
He doesn't believe Santa Claus is real? Nope.
Where did he get an idea like that? Well, maybe Mike Wallace said it on 60 Minutes.
It's not funny.
I know it.
We can tell you why he doesn't believe.
Why? Mmm.
Well, last time he lost a tooth, he didn't tell you guys, and he went on and put it under his pillow.
Well, the next morning when the tooth was there, he stopped believing in the tooth fairy.
What's that got to do with Christmas? Well, you see, he's conducting another one of his little experiments.
He's telling you guys that he wants a Nintendo, but he's asking Santa to make it snow.
Good.
Snow's a lot cheaper than Nintendo.
So, so, if he gets the snow, then then he'll believe? Mmm.
Right.
Because he knows you guys can never make it snow.
Well, why doesn't he just go to bed the night before Christmas like every other kid, and take potluck in the morning? Well, hey, I know what we can do.
We can all go down to Phil's Appliance and look at a stereo for Taylor.
Hello? Speaking.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Yeah, I have to take Molly for a rehearsal for the Christmas pageant anyway.
All right.
Bye.
What's wrong, honey? Oh.
It's Mr.
McDole again.
Do you remember I told you he got caught shoplifting some coloring books at Wal-Mart? Yeah.
So I went to see him and his wife, and did you know that they have seven children? Yeah, I taught a couple of them.
Well, you should see their house.
I mean, these people have nothing.
Anyway He and his wife came to see me a few days later at work and asked me not to prosecute.
He was wearing this shiny, thin little suit, you know, clutching his hat in his hand.
I mean, it just breaks my heart when I see a man in a cheap suit clutching a hat.
Anyway, I got the charges dropped, right? Mmm.
Well, now he's been down at Fauches shoplifting some bath powder.
I guess he's gonna hit every store in town before Christmas.
Well, that's sad.
Yeah.
Say, he hasn't hit Phil's Appliance yet, has he? I don't know what we're gonna do.
In the past, Nub's always written his letter to Santa Claus at least a week before Christmas.
We've only got two days now to buy whatever it is he wants.
I don't understand why that letter's not at the post office.
Well, maybe they lost it.
No, I've been over there every day.
Ponder's over checking right now.
What do you think we ought to do, Coach? I don't know.
I got troubles of my own.
Do you know that Will doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore? What? No.
He's worked out this elaborate test to prove it.
I don't know what's wrong with kids today.
They're like investigative reporters.
No wonder they don't believe in Santa Claus.
When he comes to town, they hunt him down like a dog.
Well, personally, I think it's from people watching too many shows like Unsolved Mysteries.
Well, personally, I'm not getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
It's gotten too commercial for me.
You're not gonna dress up as Santa Claus over at the hospital? No, I'm mad.
Everybody got together and decided that in order to promote good health, they would use a thinner Santa.
Great.
Another tradition down the drain.
Now they want a trendy thin Santa Claus.
Next thing you know, it won't even be based at the North Pole.
He'll be working out of Southern California.
He'll have a therapist, and he'll be questioning his commitment to Mrs.
Claus.
Yeah, well, Christmas has gotten entirely too commercial.
All my kids talk about is what are they gonna get for themselves for Christmas.
Well, you ought to come out to Tara.
Talk about commercial.
We got so many lights around our roof, I'm afraid some plane is gonna try and land.
I mean, well, you can't even go to the bathroom in my house without listening to "Jingle Bells" every time you raise the lid.
Hey, Dad, look.
Mr.
Stiles got the shop class to build some runners for Nub's wagon.
Well, that's great.
Now we can go in the snow.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad, you should see the tree they're putting in the square.
It's the hugest one ever.
I saw it on the way over here.
Hey, Nub.
Hmm? If it's that big, I guess they're gonna have to get you in a crane to put the star on top this year.
That's right.
No.
I told them I wasn't gonna do it this year.
Nub Oliver, you can't just not put the star on top of the tree in the town square.
It's a tradition.
Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like it this year.
It just doesn't seem the same since I don't believe in Santa Claus no more.
Hmm? Hey, Dad, me and Nub are going to the Tasty Freeze.
See you later, okay? Well, can you beat that? All these years people in this town have been scrambling around busting their butts, trying to make sure he gets what he wants for Christmas, and he don't believe in Santa Claus anymore.
Hey, Coach.
Who do you suppose could have put an idea like that in his head? I don't know.
I got a four-year-old suspect, though.
Hey.
Anybody see Evan on CNN? No.
No.
No.
No, boss, it ain't come up yet.
Well, Nub's letter to Santa Claus finally showed up at the post office.
Well, what does he want? Unfortunately, nothing we can get.
Well, what is it? Snow.
Well, first of all, I'm not even sure that they believe there is no Santa Claus.
It's just something that Will told Nub, you know.
They're testing us.
Yeah, well, Nub goes down to Phil's Appliance Store all the time to watch the weather report.
He knows there's no snow in the forecast.
They think they got us over a barrel, but they don't.
They don't? No.
I have a friend who has a snow machine.
You do? Yeah.
He lives over in El Dorado.
They, they used it last week to do a car commercial.
How'd you know about it? I told you, he's a friend of mine.
I'm gonna call him up.
Trust me.
Okay.
I'll be back in a little while.
We're gonna make it snow by nightfall.
Boy, I tell ya, I'm right down to the line on the coach's present.
I was gonna get him that Sports Illustrated sneaker phone.
I don't know, though.
That guy on that commercial turns me off.
Hey, honey, guess what I'm calling you on? Smells like feet.
Harlan, listen, I really do think that you should go ahead and play Santa Claus again this year.
I mean, come on, have some Christmas spirit.
Merleen, I had the Christmas spirit, and they killed it.
Besides, I'm upset because everybody assumes that just because I'm fat, I'm jolly.
I don't think anybody assumes that.
Yes, they do.
And everybody takes fat people for granted.
I mean, like just assuming that just because we're fat, that we like to play Santa Claus.
I don't see anybody going around asking buck-tooth people to be the Easter Bunny.
Okay! I located the snow machine.
Ponder, you and Herman want to go over to El Dorado tonight and pick it up? Wait a minute.
Why us? Well, because tonight I'm gonna decorate the Christmas tree.
Coach Newton? Uh-huh.
If you're gonna be home tonight, I thought I'd drop by.
I got something for you.
Well Sure.
Fine.
If it isn't the wench who stole Christmas.
See you then.
Oh, and Mr.
Stiles Thanks for the breast warmers.
Oh, it was nothing.
It was just a little extra fur I had from when I was helping out with the band uniforms.
Yeah, well, they're very cute.
You'll have to stop by and see them on.
Okeydoke.
Don't shake that! That's my manicure kit from Aunt Frieda.
Okay, everyone! Here's the official Christmas 1990 ornament for Baby Newton.
Ta-da! Mom? Hmm? I hope you didn't forget to get my New Kids on the Block book bag, a wrist watch, and a hand-painted sweatshirt with my name on it.
All right, I've heard about enough of this.
I want you to look over there under the tree.
See all those presents? It's disgusting.
Somewhere in the world there's a kid who would be thrilled to death just to get an orange for Christmas.
Really? Yes, really.
Well, hey, I'd be happy to give him the orange out of my stocking.
As long as I could get me a pair of Air Jordans.
Oh, I guess you would.
Air Jordans cost $150 a pair.
Well, yeah, Dad, but you can fly through the air with them.
Well, give me $150, I'll kick you through the air.
I guess that means I won't be getting my ripped jeans, either.
Sure you will.
Take those pants off, I'll rip them for ya.
Listen to me.
As you get older, materialistic things are not going to mean that much to you.
You can't take them with you when you go.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun with them while we're here.
Ah, come on, Dad, you're old, and you're going to die a lot sooner than us.
We, we've got years ahead.
We need stuff.
All right, that's it.
What? I want you all to go up to bed.
Why? We haven't finished decorating the tree yet.
I don't care.
Go up to bed! Why? "Why?" I just don't want to hear, "give me, give me, give me, give me" anymore.
Son, go up to bed, think about what Christmas really means, all right? I don't believe in Rudolph, either.
Get! Where are you going? You know that hard luck family, the McDole's? Where do they live? On Harbor Street.
Why? 'Cause I got a whole lot of presents to deliver.
Ah, you should have seen the McDole family.
The kids were crying.
Even the dog was crying.
You think we did the right thing, don't you? Oh, yeah.
No, our kids behaved very badly.
Mm-hmm.
I'm ashamed of them.
They didn't even make that card for Daddy.
On the other hand, this is pretty shocking.
Well, they'll they'll get some presents from Santa.
Yeah, but now they have nothing under the tree.
They don't have nothing, honey, they have everything.
I want them to realize that.
But it's so shocking.
You said that.
I want you to think about all the Christmases that you had as a child, all the presents you got through all those Christmases.
Yes.
They sort of run together, don't they? So? So, this is going to be a Christmas they'll remember.
Merleen, hi.
Oh, hi, Ava.
Come in.
Merry Christmas.
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Well, Harlan is still at the office Christmas party playing Santa.
Now, I just wanted to bring these gifts by.
Aw.
Thank you.
I hope they fit.
I designed the outfits myself.
I'll get it.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
I had no idea that you'd fallen on such hard times.
Oh.
Oh.
I should have brought more.
No, Merleen, it's all right.
Oh, I just feel so bad.
I mean, oh, talk about slim pickings.
I should of at least brought some oranges or something.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
I just brought that tape by of your father-in-law.
I have a friend who works for CNN.
Oh, that's, that's very nice.
Isn't that nice, honey? Uh-huh.
You didn't have to.
I mean, we, we already heard about it.
Yes, but this is the unedited version.
I think you should see it.
Thanks, that was very sweet.
Um, Wood, why don't you put it on? Okay.
And, uh, I'll get you some hot cider.
Oh, I can't stay but just a minute.
I have a show to do tonight.
Oh, that's just amazing.
You mean, you just keep right on performing topless, right up until Christmas? Oh, sure.
I even have a little number I do called "Dueling Rudolphs.
" Okay, here you go, gang.
MAN Hi.
I'm Major Bob Walters from Austin, Texas, wishing a Merry Christmas to my wife, Janie, and my children, David, Brian and Leslie.
WOMAN Hi, I'm Lieutenant Nancy Garrett from Frederick, Maryland.
And I just want to send my love to my husband, Randy.
Hello, I'm Evan Evans, editor and publisher Oh, there he is! Oh, my gosh! of the Evening Shade Arkansas Argus.
He looks so good, doesn't he? I'd like to say Merry Christmas to Miss Fontana Beausoleil, and love to all my grandkids.
To my sister, Frieda, I'm running out of fudge.
My son-in-law, Wood Newton, stay away from my firewood.
And to my darling daughter, well, you know what I think about you.
Merry, merry Christmas, sweetheart.
That just makes me cry.
I wanted you to see it.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Well, I'd better be going.
Okay.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, by the way, I really love the Rudolph on the top of your car.
Oh, well, thank you.
It's so easy to make.
All you have to do is trace a reindeer onto Styrofoam, and then cut it out and sew a little red vest on it, and then press twisted coat hangers into it's skull.
I'll have to remember that.
Oh, well, it's all in a little pamphlet that I made, called "It's a Styrofoam Christmas.
" Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, that was so great.
Hey! Oh, my gosh.
Hi, guy.
Where did this dog come from? It was the McDole's dog.
They couldn't keep it any longer, so Well, they, they wanted to give us something, and You know, the kids wanted a dog.
Hey, Coach.
Hi.
So, hi, Mrs.
Newton.
Listen, we got that snow machine out in Ponder's truck.
Wanted you to know we're ready to roll.
Okay, I'll be right with you.
Wait a minute.
What's he talking about? Where are you going? Well, Virginia, I'm going out into the dark and the cold and prove there really is a Santa Claus.
Is it my imagination, or is this a really weird Christmas? This is a really weird Christmas.
This doesn't work.
That doesn't look like snow.
It looks like I don't want to say what it looks like.
I don't know.
It looks like a bunch of whale spit, doesn't it? Well, all I know is it's a heck of a lot of trouble just to get two people to believe in Santa Claus.
Why couldn't they ask for something simple like a bottle of Old Spice or Soap on a Rope? Well, at least Will will have a lot of other presents.
Not really.
Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You got that ball, now r Hey, Coach, Harlan, Ponder, Herman.
Nub Oliver, what are you doing out this late? It's past midnight.
I just decided to take my wagon for a spin, and enjoy a fresh stick of gum.
You know there's nothing like it for pure chewing satisfaction.
What are y'all doing? Trying to write your names? That's very funny.
What do you got back there? Oh, this is a mulching machine.
We're, we're making fertilizer.
That's funny.
It looks like a snow machine to me.
Hey, hey, ho, ho.
You got that ball, let's go.
I'll be home for Christmas You can plan on me Please have snow and mistletoe And presents on the tree Christmas Eve will find me Where the lovelight gleams Hey Hey, I really want to thank you for the tape player.
I'll be home for Christmas Oh, that's okay.
No, I'm serious.
I mean it.
Hey, come on, You act like you've never gotten a Christmas present before.
I haven't.
Come on now, boy.
You're fooling with tradition here.
You gotta climb up there and put this star on top of that tree.
All these people are standing here waiting.
Come on now, buck up.
Be a man.
No way.
I just can't be a party to this, now that I know there's no Santa Claus.
Oh, Nub, there is a Santa Claus.
He may not be the Santa Claus you're looking for.
What do you mean? Well, I mean, he may not be a Santa Claus that looks and talks to you like Harlan, but, for me, the big guy up in the North Pole, he can make almost any wish come true.
Hey, would you look at that? I'll be darned.
Now we're in business.
Hey, Nub, Nub, it's starting to snow.
There is a Santa Claus.
There is.
If only in my dreams.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas And now, as Mr.
Nub Oliver places our star, we'll have the lighting of our tree.
Where the treetops glisten And children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow Come on, Will, I'll take you for a spin.
Okay.
And Merry Christmas, from Evening Shade.