Fam (2019) s01e11 Episode Script

1 How can you do this to me, Clem? Have a stupid dinner party instead of an out of control bachelorette party? Is it because you hate me? (gasps) You hate me.
Come on, Ben, it'll be fun.
We'll have hors d'oeuvres, some wine, play charades.
Charades? Terrific.
Okay.
Two words.
First word: I want to kill myself.
I'm sorry, Ben, but I've had my partying days, and I'm over it.
I don't need some big shindig.
"Shindig"? My God.
What's happened to my old friend Clem? Oh, I know.
She turned into my old friend Clem.
Let it go, dude.
Fun Clem is gone, but, hey, man, I'm around if you ever want to hit up some bars in Newark that accept my Canadian I.
D.
Oh, honey, I don't do Jersey.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, sweetie.
How's it going, Ben? I'd be better if your girl was letting me throw her an actual bachelorette party.
Wait, isn't your bachelor party tomorrow night, too? Yeah, that way we only have to spend one night apart.
Ugh.
Please tell me you're having a blowout.
Oh, yeah.
Going out to get some big, fat, juicy steaks with my dad and my best man, Spence.
A-And then you're going to your bachelor party? That is his bachelor party.
Oh, girl.
Now I know what happened to you.
Him.
Me? What did I do? You're a bad influence on my Clemmy.
How am I a bad influence? I barely drink, I've never smoked, I don't do drugs.
Exactly.
You sound like a personal ad on Christian Mingle.
This girl used to be so much fun.
And I'm not saying it's all because of you, Nick, but the fun ended immediately when you began.
Ben, you are out of your mind.
I pride myself on being fun.
And not just at home, ask any of my students.
I am the funnest World Literature professor at NYU, okay? And that proves what? I'm sorry, I just nodded off for a second.
Nick doesn't have to prove anything.
We have all kinds of fun.
In fact, tonight we're going to check out the open house at Shannon's school, and after, we're gonna pop by Ruby Tuesday's for the BOTH: Peanut Butter Dream Bar.
Clem, blink twice if you're here against your will.
Hey, Shannon, I met five of your teachers, and only one of them knows who you are.
And FYI, not a fan.
SHANNON: Oh, God, here comes Evan.
All right, be prepared to rescue me.
Oh, hey, Shannon.
Hey, Evan, look, I'm really not Oh.
Just let us know when you're ready for us to jump in.
What the hell was that? Usually I can't get rid of that kid.
Looks like Evan's got a girlfriend.
What? Girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no.
No, the popular girls must've dared her to talk to him.
And hold his hand.
And kiss him.
Wow, she will do anything to fit in.
(laughs) I thought your sister couldn't stand Evan? Oh, she can't, but now that he's got a girlfriend, he's instantly attractive to her.
Man, if I could go back to high school knowing what I know now, things would be so different.
Would you still be in Magic Club? Yes.
So I guess not that different.
I'm gonna talk shop with the English department.
Okay.
Oh, hello! Hi, I'm Felicia, Sam's mom.
- Clem Barnes.
- Oh, you must be Shannon's mom.
Oh, no, no, no.
(chuckles) I'm her sister.
Her "not that much older" sister.
Malinda, come meet Clem.
Wait, are you Shannon's mom? Sister! I'm her sister.
Well, it's nice of you to spend your Friday night at Shannon's school.
When I was your age, I would've been out clubbing.
(laughs) Yeah, when I was my age, I would've been out clubbing, too.
Hey, Shannon, I was just talking about you with your English teacher Mr.
Rudner.
Oh, he's my favorite teacher.
Okay, go ahead, tell him how I'm doing.
Not well.
I think you mean, "not good.
" I love teaching, but some students are a challenge.
Yeah, I know.
I'm also a teacher.
I'm over at NYU.
Oh! I'd love to get to the big leagues.
I had to take a second job just to get by, and I'm the most popular teacher here.
I've got five stars on RateMyTeacher.
RateMyTeacher? I don't know it.
Oh, it's a rating site high school kids use.
College students, too.
You should check yourself out.
Yeah, I really don't need a website to tell me how I'm doing.
I get enough feedback every day just looking at the smiles on my students' faces.
(chuckles) What's the website again? RateMyTeacher.
Yeah, I'm not gonna look at that.
Is that a dot com or dot org situation? It was so weird being around all those parents at Shannon's school.
What's weird is this is a bachelorette party, and the only phallic thing here are these artisanal pickles.
And they're so tiny.
Oh, and did I tell you that I joined the PTA? Which is crazy because I am not a "P.
" But you do got the "T" and "A.
" CLEM: Hey, Shannon.
Are you excited to go to your first ever bachelorette party? What bachelorette party? Dude, you just got some tiny pickles and are playing charades.
(knocking on door) Oh, hi.
Sorry.
I thought this was Evan's place.
No.
He lives across the hall.
Oh, that's funny, I must've had the wrong Meow! Yo, Ben, you don't think I'm fun? Look at what my students are saying about me on RateMyTeacher.
"Professor Stewart makes learning fun.
Five stars.
" "Most fun I've ever had in class.
Five stars.
" "Fun and kind of a babe.
Five stars and a chili pepper emoji.
" BEN: Oh, here's one.
"Professor Stewart is a total bore.
One star.
" I thought you couldn't trust anything on the Internet.
Wait, what? I am not boring.
RaisinBran99? What-What's this kid's problem? Sweetie, it's just one bad review out of 1,000 great ones.
- Wh-Why would he say that? - I know why.
Because you're boring.
Don't let it bother you, Nick.
I mean, I'm not bothered by the fact that all the women at Shannon's school thought that I was her mother, even though it would basically be biologically impossible.
But you go have fun at your party, babe.
All right, you, too.
Love you.
Are you actually reading They Came to Talk? Who's "they"? They sound horrible.
Oh, yeah, that's the other thing.
Those ladies I met made me join what they called "The Fun Moms Book Club.
" "Fun Moms Book Club"? Each word more chilling than the last.
What is happening? I'm 27 years old, and I'm talking about the book club and the PTA, and I'm wearing an apron! What am I doing, Ben? You're dying is what you're doing.
Dying.
And look at all this.
I mean, I've turned my bachelorette party into a snooze fest.
Well, that's it.
The snooze fest is off.
What are you saying? I am saying that the booze fest is on! (both screaming) (salsa music playing) All right, I'm here.
Finally.
What took so long? The erotic bakery was closed, so I had to improvise at the supermarket.
I don't think anyone's gonna notice.
Holy moly! I know, right? They took a kids' baseball bat cake and turned it into this.
And those are? - Two Pikachus.
- Oh That's why they have eyes.
(knocking on door) Ooh! Our first partier has arrived! Hello Oh! Rose, hi.
I brought my famous ambrosia salad.
You can't come to a dinner party empty-handed.
- Hello, Ben.
- Rose! What the hell is your future mother-in-law doing here? I forgot that she was on the invite list for the dinner party.
What am I gonna do? She's gonna freak out if she sees the cake.
Well, hello.
It's a baseball bat.
Mm-hmm.
And the little yellow things with eyes? Those are testicles.
I'm sorry, Rose.
We just decided to switch the party a couple of hours ago.
And you forgot to call me.
I know.
It's my fault, completely.
And if you want to go, I totally understand, 'cause this party's gonna get a little crazy.
- It is? - Yeah.
Thank the Lord! What? For the life of me, I could not understand why you were gonna have some boring dinner party.
But now that I see this I say, Ben, make Mama a big ole margarita.
God, I wish Nick had a gay brother so I could marry into this family.
Found him, Mr.
B! 'Sup? Shannon, hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? Just thought maybe you could tutor me in math, like you always do.
I don't tutor you in math.
I do your math homework.
Oh, my God, is that Beth? Hi, Beth, I didn't know you were here.
Yes, you did.
You shut the door in my face an hour ago.
So, what are we doing? We were about to play Mario Kart.
Yeah, but unfortunately, we only have two controllers, so All right, I'll stay.
Whoa.
Beth, did you create your own character? That looks exactly like you.
That's Donkey Kong.
That's Donkey Kong? Whoa, twinsies.
To Nick, huh? - To Nick.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah.
Mm.
You okay, son? I know getting married is a big step Who the hell is RaisinBran99? (stammers) And why would he say I'm boring? I need to know.
Oh, my God, are you still on this? Come on, man.
Tonight's all about having fun with your boys.
Or in this case, your boy, and your dad.
You know what? You're right.
My bad.
I got to put this whole thing out of my mind, have a good time.
- Hell yes.
- Yeah.
Whiskey shots for Brandon Gilbert.
- Who is Brandon Gilbert? - Brandon Gilbert? Is RaisinBran99.
It's got to be Brandon Gilbert.
He's always eating raisins during my lecture.
It drives me nuts.
I won't be able to enjoy myself until I set that kid straight.
You sound crazy.
Walt, tell him he sounds crazy.
I say we find Raisin Boy right now, and take him down.
(laughs) Yeah.
(people whooping) (laughs) Ooh! Baby, I am so sorry.
I never should have said I did that thing with Walt.
Baby, if you're gonna play Truth or Dare, you've got to play it.
And you played it.
(laughs) - Mm.
- Mm.
- (exhales) - (laughs) You know, Rose, I never thought in a million years that I'd be able to, you know.
What? Party with me? No.
No, no, no.
Not at all.
I never thought that I'd be able to Oh, right.
Yes, party with you.
(both laugh) Well, Clem, I know that when you look at me, you see a woman who is totally put together, full of confidence, never makes a mistake.
And all that is true.
But there's a different side to Rose.
And I like to call her Ms.
Fantastic.
Just got off the phone, the stripper's coming in an hour.
Stripper? No, we-we don't want a stripper, do we, Rose? Oh, Rose does not.
But Ms.
Fantastic? She didn't come here for the chips, baby.
What the hell are we watching? Only the greatest episode of Black Mirror ever.
Yeah, this one's an allegory about life that makes you question both our reality and what it means to exist.
Hey, how about, instead, we watch Floribama Shore? It's an allegory about trying to get laid on the Floribama Shore.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Don't forget to light a match.
That's not what I'm doing.
What are you doing here? You never come over, then I have a girlfriend, and suddenly, here you are.
I just don't like that you're with her, okay? It makes me feel weird, and I don't know why.
But I do know this: she's not the right girl for you.
So who is the right girl for me? I don't know.
What are you guys talking about? - Dinosaurs.
- You.
Well, well, well.
(all shushing) (whispering): Well, well, well.
Professor Stewart.
What are you doing here? I saw on Facebook you were here, Brandon.
Or should I call you RaisinBran99? Oh, no.
I am not boring.
And I'm not gonna let your dumb review ruin my bachelor party.
Wait.
This is your bachelor party? Two friends? I'm his father.
So you're spending your bachelor party with your dad in a library.
Yeah, you're not boring.
Oh, my God, I'm I'm boring.
It's okay.
You know, you have other good qualities.
Thank you, Spence.
(chuckles) That's why I'm your best man.
Well, that's it.
I'm done being boring.
Sorry, guys.
The bachelor party's over.
- Whoa, what are you talking about? - Ben was right.
It's my fault Clem's having this lame-ass dinner party.
So I'm-a go home, rescue her, and then we're gonna go out and get crazy.
'Cause my girl deserves to have fun.
Whoo! I never want this night to end! (all cheering) Nick? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at your bachelor party? I left because I realized I was dragging you down.
If it wasn't for me, you'd be having some liquor-drenched blowout instead of some boring dinner party with my mom.
Don't worry about your mom.
Your mom is enjoying herself plenty.
Well, to hell with these lame-ass parties.
Okay, get your coat.
I'm taking you out for a night we will never forget.
No, no, no.
A night we will never remember! Yeah, I don't think we're gonna have to go out for that.
Oh, no.
You drink water on your own time, cowboy.
Come on! Dinner party, huh? I see you've moved on to dessert.
I didn't do this because you drag me down, because you don't.
I did this because I didn't want to feel like a mom.
You know who else doesn't feel like a mom? My mom.
Shake it, baby, shake it.
I am so happy I get to marry you.
Please tell me that we're gonna party like this every night for the rest of our lives.
Oh, absolutely.
Except for the naked man.
Absolutely.
This is an intense game of charades.
I like it.
Oh, my God.
Mr.
Rudner?! Shannon? Wait, you two know each other? Yeah.
Dude, that's my English teacher.
Pants.
Pants.
Where's my pants? No, no, no.
I think you mean, "Where are my pants?" I assume that "D" on my paper will be turned into a "C"? I'll take your "D," Mr.
Rudner.
Hey, Evan.
Where's Donkey Kong? You mean Beth.
(chuckles) I broke up with her.
You did? Why? Because I like you.
And last night it seemed that maybe you liked me, too.
Well, I don't.
Maybe last night I did when you were with Beth, but now that I know you're not I don't know.
I think those feelings went away.
So what are you saying? The only way you're into me is if I'm into someone else? (scoffs) Nah.
No, dude, I'm not that shallow.
Or am I? Oh, my God, I think I am.
Man, that's dark.
You know what? I'm gonna see i-if Beth will get back with me so that you and I have a shot.
Hey, good luck with that, kid.
(sighs) Why did we party until 6:00 in the morning? (sighs) Because your mom dared us to at 5:00 in the morning.
I think I got partying out of my system.
I know.
I heard it leaving your system.
Hey, kids.
Good morning.
What a beautiful day for a walk.
How are you not hungover? (scoffs) Hangovers are for amateurs.
- And she's a professional.
- Mm-hmm.
Cowboy.
Ms.
Fantastic.
Let's walk, baby.