Flight of the Conchords s01e11 Episode Script

# Are you feeling the feeling? # # Feeling the feeling # # That I'm feeling # # That we're feeling.
# Yeah! - Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Mel.
- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Murray.
Um, we're Flight of the Conchords from New Zealand.
Ha! New Zealand.
And I just want to say thank you on behalf of Jemaine and myself - Not for coming out - Not me.
- Oh.
Well, just on behalf of myself, thank you for coming along tonight.
- Good night.
- Yes! - Thank you.
- Thanks.
Looks delicious.
I thought that went pretty well.
It was terrible.
It was just the wrong sort of crowd.
You can't call that a crowd.
Yeah, three's a crowd.
- Yeah.
- That was definitely a crowd.
Excuse me, Bret? Jemaine? - Hi.
- I was in the audience.
- Uh, you were the guy with the soup? - Yes, I was.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh yeah.
- What was the soup like? - It was good.
We get some free soup for doing the gig.
Oh.
Hey look, watching you guys out there, I was blown away, man.
Your act is sensational.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I love the attention to detail with your stage characters.
- Yeah.
- The idea of a pair of naive idiots from New Zealand it's so simple, it's genius.
You just pick an obscure backwards country that nobody knows anything about very funny.
Very funny.
So where are you guys from? The Julliard School of the Performing Arts? We're from New Zealand.
Okay, wh New Zealand! I love New Zealand, it's that's great! That's good information to find out.
L"Lord of the Rings," Frodo.
The ring.
Anyway, don't let me bore you with my knowledge of New Zealand.
Here, in case you ever need my services, I'm gonna give you my card.
I would love to work with you guys.
What do you do? I am a semiprofessional actor.
Wow.
Brilliant.
I can't say it enough.
- Brilliant.
- This says "Dry Cleaners.
" The other side.
Written in pencil.
Oh, yup.
I thought you guys did really well.
Yeah, I thought it was good.
Maybe you could work on your crowd work, you know? Get more of a rapport with the audience, get them all clapping.
I tried to talk to a guy but he told me to shut up 'cause he was reading the paper.
Oh, you don't disturb people reading the paper, Jemaine.
Could be big news he was getting into.
We need to get bigger audiences.
I know, I thought this one would be big.
What am I doing wrong? Maybe it's something we're doing wrong.
Would it help if our music was better? Possibly, yeah.
It doesn't matter how good your music is if no one's there to hear it.
What about if we give out some free pencils? No, you're not in New Zealand now, Bret.
I know, but we gave them out, remember that? We got a box of 20 pencils - Yeah.
and that night - 20 people.
20 everyone was there.
I know I know, all the bands did it.
This is America.
It's different.
Murray, did you manage to get us a record deal? - Probably not, I guess.
- Good guess.
Nothing.
Not even a "Thanks for the demo.
We're not interested.
But thanks again for trying every day.
" - Say it.
- Cheer up, Murray.
Cheer up.
# Cheer up, Murray, don't let it get you down # # Pick yourself up off the ground # # It's gonna be all right # # Cheer up, Murray # # You look a little sad # # Your life ain't so bad # # Just think of all the good times # # Remember your # You threw a great big party # # And all of your friends were there for you # # Jemaine, Greg and me # # We brought you a cake in the shape # # Of a four and a three # # 'Cause we all thought you were 43 # # You've got a dog # # He loves you, Murray # # It's one hell of a dog # # It's an English bulldog # # You've got a car, don't you, Murray? # # It's an '03 Accord # # Only one previous owner # # And you've got a job # # You've got all of your limbs # # You've got a sensitive nose # # And you do tai kwan do # # You're good at matching your ties to your clothes # # You've got a wife, though she comes and go-o-oes # # Some people don't return your calls # # They don't return your calls # # People will call you "Ginger Balls" # # They'll call you "Ginger Balls" # # But those people don't know what they see # # They just see Ginger Balls # # Ginger Balls # # Cheer up, Murray, it's time to forget # # Your wife met someone on the net # # Let's go and get an ice cream # # Cheer up, Murray, so nothing goes your way # # It's the same every day # # Well, tomorrow is another day-ay.
# Oh, thanks, guys.
And you organized the soup.
That's good management.
Yeah, how'd you manage to get us some soup? Huh? Oh, speaking of which.
We need you guys to clear out of this room.
The janitor needs to use the mop sink.
Uh, I'm actually the manager of the band.
I believe we've got two soups coming.
We ran out of soup two hours ago, Marty.
Sorry.
I couldn't even get that right.
So you have to call up our manager, Murray, and pretend you work for a big record label and just tell him to keep on trying.
Yeah, give him a rejection call to cheer him up.
- Okay.
- He's a little bit sad.
Okay, I get it.
So I just say, "I heard your stuff, it's not for us, but keep trying.
" - Yeah.
- Okay.
- That's perfect.
- Okay, good.
So tell me a bit more about this character you want me to create.
- Hmm? - Who is this record-label guy? What makes him tick? It's you pretending to be someone else.
I see.
Okay.
Already I'm getting a feel for this guy.
Uh, listen, let me demonstrate a few characters.
You'll see.
This is Stefan, who is like Hey, hello.
I'm Stefan.
Then there's Big Eddie, who is this tough, no-nonsense mobster, and he is like this Hey, what what's with all the commotion? What's this commotion? Explain to me what's with the commotion! Whoa.
- That's very good.
- Flippin' awesome.
P probably not right for this this though.
- Probably.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, I I have been working on a character from New Zealand.
- Okay, what's he like? - Oh.
Hey, watch out, you flamin' drongo! Don't be such a flamin' bloody drongo! Could could you do it in your normal voice, maybe? No.
That's not acting.
Well, I think I like the first one.
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Um did we mention that we really can't pay you - Can't pay you.
at all? Opportunity is in itself reward.
And so it begins.
Ding.
Could you guys leave, please? New Zealand Consulate, Murray Hewitt speaking.
Is this Murray Hewitt, the band manager? Yes.
I'm him.
Murray, this is Stefan from the record company.
Stefan who? Stefan Gucci, you know, from the record company.
Okay, well which record company was that? You know, the the big one.
- Sony? - Yeah, uh-huh.
- Sony.
- Have you got the demo CD then? Listen, Murray, all of us here at, uh - Sony? - Exactly.
Uh, we all think you're doing great work with the Conchords.
Really super stuff.
Thanks, that's nice to hear.
Thanks, Stefan.
Look, the bad news though is for some very good reasons, we can't sign your band in the short term.
So you're not offering us a record deal? No.
But but you are brilliant.
You are great, and I love the guys.
Well, if you like us so much, why can't you just offer us a deal, you know? You're just not what we're looking for at the moment, okay? God.
Please offer us a record contract.
Please? I'm begging you.
Come on, please.
Please.
Please give us a record deal.
Oh, come on.
Okay then.
- Really? - Yeah, why not? Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Look, we won't let you down.
You won't regret this.
I'm sure I won't.
Gentlemen, welcome to the restaurant! Thanks for flying in from L.
A.
, Mr.
Gucci.
That was extremely quick.
Well, I flew in a supersonic jet.
Wow, a supersonic jet.
- How about that, guys? - Hmm.
It is great to meet you guys for the first time.
Be polite.
Great to meet you, Mr.
Gucci.
- Mmm.
- "Good to meet you.
" - A real pleasure.
- Good, nice.
Shall we have a seat? Right.
So, the record deal.
Uh yes.
Mr.
Gucci, sorry but my manager here has appeared to have made a mistake.
Yeah, he thinks you've offered us a record deal.
I think you've offered us a rejection deal.
No no, he's offered us a record acceptance deal.
- That's not right, is it? - No, Murray's absolutely right.
Yes, it was a rejection call, but then I turned you round, didn't I? With my managing.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
He started crying.
Ah.
Yeah well, anyway, we're here to negotiate the deal now, aren't we? - All right? - Exactly.
Now listen, guys, I don't want to blow smoke up your ass.
No, not gonna do that sort of thing.
We're thinking a $1-million deal and we are firm on that, okay? That's our final offer.
No.
No way.
- Yes.
- No.
Okay, two million.
I thought you said one million was your final offer? Two million, but I want a 90/10 split.
Ah.
I see.
Ah.
Right.
Well, that's a terrible deal, so, sorry, we can't do it.
Oh well.
No no no no, let's negotiate.
Um, Stefan, please, what about a a flip-around? I mean, if we could go for the 90 and you have the 10? Super.
Whoa.
See what I did there? Huh? Yes! Where do we sign? Uh, well, I don't I don't think we should be so hasty - We got it.
here.
- Be hasty.
- No.
I don't this is a good deal, you know? - Yes.
- Is it, though? - Yes.
- Is it? - Yes.
- But - but is it? - Yes.
Well, what about for you? Is it a good deal for you? Oh, quite frankly, this is a terrible deal for me.
Do we want to do deals with people who do such terrible deals for themselves? - I think so.
- Why not? - Yeah.
- Bret! Uh no idea.
Yeah, I see.
We need to make sure that your record label has the right ideas for us.
Oh, I've got some great ideas.
- Name one.
- Lunch boxes.
Great.
Put the band's name on it.
- Yeah? - Yes yes yes yes yes! That could work too.
Or how about this? How about this? We make a music video to coincide with the 10th anniversary of "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
Yup.
I know Peter Jackson, and he was very excited by this idea.
Well, that would have to be a "no," though.
All right, look.
Time-out there, all right? Sorry, Stefan.
I'm just gonna have a word with the guys.
All right? Come on.
What are you doing? - I got a little carried away.
- Yeah.
You weren't supposed to offer him a record deal.
I'm sorry about the deal, but from an actor's standpoint, - Oh! - Jemaine! Stop annoying him.
Come here.
- Emergency band meeting.
Jemaine? - Yes.
- Bret? - Mmm.
Murray, present.
Now this seems like a really really good deal.
Yeah? I haven't seen many music deals.
- Any.
You haven't seen any.
- I haven't seen any.
But I know a good percentage when I see one.
It does seem a little too good to be true.
It is too good to be true.
That's why we should go for it.
- Come on.
- I've done the mathematics in my head.
The percentages are in our favor.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
- I know.
- I think maybe we should take the deal.
Let's put it to the vote.
Yeah? - All those in favor say "Aye.
" - Hey.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- Nay! - No, two ayes, one nay, you're gone.
Motion carried.
We've got it! Stefan, we'd love to take the $2-million deal! - Great! - What are you doing? I just got a bit carried away.
I was just Stefan's so good at it.
Ben.
He Yeah, but, I mean, Murray, he's having a good time.
I know it's not real, but lunch boxes Congratulations, man.
That's awesome.
- Way to go.
- Thanks, Dave.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but it's not real.
- Yeah, it's not real.
- You know? I mean, what do you think we should do? I think you've got to use honesty here.
I mean, you know, it's always the best policy.
Like, the other day there was five or maybe there was like four, really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean in my shop.
- Wow.
- And they were like, "Dave, we want to have a five-way with you," and I just told them, honestly, "Okay.
" Then I just gave it to them hard.
That's the best way to go.
And then after that, they're like, "Hey, will you marry us?" And I was like, "Excuse me, but I don't think monogamy is legal in this country, I don't know where you're from.
" But you've got to try honesty.
It works the best.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we should tell him the truth.
We've got to tell him before this gets out of hand.
Okay, guys, come on.
Look a bit more afraid, okay? Don't be scared of the sand the dirt on your feet, Bret.
There's condoms around here.
Used condoms.
Put your feet down properly.
Okay, so you're scared, you're huddling together.
Ringwraith is coming.
Get your ring out.
And action! Okay, Mel? - Yeah.
- Now you're Arwen, all right? - Liv Tyler.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so I want you to command the water to do your bidding.
Okay? L I can't understand a word you're saying.
- Articulate, all right? - It's Elvish.
That's Elvish.
- Are you chewing something? - No, it's Elv it's it's my native tongue.
- Is it? - Yup.
All right.
Okay, go.
Yes! That's it! - Was that it? - Yup, that's it.
Whoo! Where are the guys? # Frodo # # Don't wear the ring # # I know it's very tempting # # Yes, you will appear to disappear # # But the Dark Riders, they'll know you're there # # Yes, Lord Sauron has many spies # Many spies have many eyes! # One ring to bind them, to find them # # One ring to rule them all # # One ring to bind them, one to find them # # One ring to rule them all # # Yeah! Little Frodo # # You've got to rule them, Frodo # # Rule them with the ring! # # Come on, rule them with your ring # Lord Sauron has many spies and beasts and birds.
If you want him, come and claim him! Do they, Gandalf? I'm not a conjurer of cheap tricks! I can't carry the ring, but I can carry you, Mr.
Frodo.
You have my sword.
And my bow.
And my axe.
Mordor.
We'll never make it.
There's thousands of them and only nine of us.
- Oh.
- We made it.
Hurray! We made it.
# Yo Frodo, what you doin', wearing the ring? # # All-powerful jewelry, is that your new thing? # # I know it's hard when you're little more than 3'4" # # Your little ass so close to the floor # # Tryin' to lead the fellows to the gates of Mordor # - # The Fellowship # - # Yeah, the Fellowship # # I don't rap about bitches and hos # # I rap about witches and trolls # # 'Cause I'm passing on the word to the elf king # - # Wisdom to all: Frodo # - # Don't wear the ring # # Frodo # - # Don't wear the ring # - # The magical bling-bling # # You'll never be the Lord of the Rings.
# Guys? - Bye! - See you guys.
It's been a really great day, guys.
- Really great.
- Yeah.
I just want to savor this moment.
Here, have a cigar each.
- Oh.
- Come on.
- I don't smoke.
- Oh yeah, I don't smoke.
Well, neither do I, but it's a special occasion.
I was gonna keep this secret, but I might as well tell you.
Tomorrow night, I've booked a VIP lounge at a very posh nightclub, for the wrap party.
- Is it expensive? - You deserve it.
- No, we don't.
- No.
- Of course you do.
- Yeah, Murray, um there's something Jemaine wants to tell you.
- What, about the video? - Yeah.
There's something I've got to tell you about the video.
I know.
That it's the best thing I've ever done in my life, right? - Yeah.
- It is, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- It's all right.
I already know that.
I know it is.
Thank you, though.
I'm gonna put my hat back on.
Eh? Here you go, guys.
You want some of this? Enjoy the party tonight.
I manage the band.
I'm the band manager.
Get into it.
Rock 'n' roll! Whoo! There we go.
Whoo! Cheers, good times.
I like to rock the party.
Hey, what about a photo? Hey hey! I'll keep that one.
I'll get your email address or okay! I'm the manager of the guys.
There's the band over there.
You like "Lord of the Rings"? You'll love the video we've made.
I'm gonna do a speech, I think.
It's time for that.
You can't hear the clinking.
Can I have the music down, please, DJ? Please? - Oh, we don't - All right.
Sorry, everyone, I just want to have a few words.
I'm not gonna keep you long.
But I just feel like I should say something to mark this historic occasion um, about the guys, Bret and Jemaine.
Get up guys, everyone.
Come on, come up and stand up here.
- Whoo! - Just come around, stand beside me on each side.
Um, I've known these guys for a while now.
When I first met them, I knew they had something special, something I like to call the "A" factor.
Which is, when you see them, you go "Eh!" You know, there's that something special there.
And I remember when they first came into my office - remember? - Yes.
- A while ago now, they had their guitar cases in tow, and they walked in and they announced, "We can't find our passports," or something.
- What was it? - "We've lost our passports.
" "We've lost our passports.
" I knew at that moment that these guys were gonna be huge, you know? They just they've got something about them, an aura.
A a year and half of, you know, not always good times.
There's a lot of struggle.
Wasn't there? Depressing, - a lot of it? - Some depression.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But we're here now.
We're here, down the track.
And this is it.
We've passed the point, it's all been worth it.
Tonight's about celebrating the success.
So, charge your glasses and drink up tonight, - 'cause it's all on us.
- Uh, no, we - Yup! probably shouldn't.
Don't worry about it, Jemaine.
Here's to Flight of the Conchords! The drinks are on us! Well, welcome to your new life, eh? - Mmm.
- How's it feel? More champagne? Uh, no, I'm just having water.
Water? Unsuccessful people have water.
You're on champagne now.
Murray, I think we should probably go home.
Yeah, I've got the check here.
Whoa, $600.
How are we gonna pay for that? - Eh? - How are we gonna afford that? Stefan gave me a code.
Special industry code, pays for everything drinks, jet boats, caviar, everything.
Watch this.
- I think - Waiter? - Yes, sir? - I'd like to settle the bill, please.
Put on a little bit on for yourself, - That's fine.
- Oh, thank you very much, sir.
- It's all right.
- How will you be paying? Uh, with the code.
- Code? - Come in, I'll tell you.
Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
- 576 - Yeah, I heard you the first time, sir.
I just don't have any idea what you're talking about.
That's weird.
I bet Meatloaf never had this problem, eh? You know, the music code pays for everything.
Sir, we accept MasterCard, Amex or Visa.
Bret, see if you can get that cork back in that bottle, will you? I'm gonna give Stefan a call.
Murray, um we need to tell you something.
- What? - Ben isn't actually a record executive.
- Who? - Stefan.
He he's not a record executive, he's a dry cleaner.
What do you mean? Of course he's an exec.
Good one.
What about the conference call between him, me, Peter Jackson, the guy from the mafia? - Eddie, from the mafia? - Yeah, that's him.
- Fat Eddie? - Fat Eddie, yep.
- "Lot of commotion"? - That's what he how do you know about that? That's just one of the characters that Ben does.
Characters? One man did all those characters? He's semiprofessional.
You're telling me that this is all a joke? Not a joke, but Organized by a couple of jesters! Is this you, is it? "Oh, let's do a jest, a great big great big lark in the courtyard of the king, and see how he takes it!" Is it? - Is that what you're telling me? - Yes.
Well, that went better than I thought it would.
Yeah, that cleared it up.
Guys hang on, okay? That was not me.
That was Stefan.
But it was you.
No no no no.
Stefan is his own person.
- It looked like you.
- Sure! You play Stefan.
Stefan works through me.
He's like a spirit.
Well, it ended terribly.
We had this big wrap party that Murray put on and he paid for it himself.
Spent a lot of money on the music video, the Ringwraith costumes.
And he might have to move into his office 'cause he can't afford his rent.
When he lives in his office, he washes his underpants in the sink and dries them in the microwave.
It's very humiliating for everyone involved.
You guys are absolutely right.
Okay, I guess, I sometimes I just underestimate the power of my own acting skills.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
Look, I want to make this right.
How much did Murray spend? Oh, he spent about $700.
No, including the video shoot, it was more like $750.
I'm gonna say $1,000, payable to Murray Hewitt.
Ah.
All right, I feel good about this.
- That's very generous.
- Yeah.
Um, this is a laundry ticket.
Yes.
But I will send you the money as soon as I get to Hollywood.
Mmm, when are you gonna go to Hollywood? Didn't I tell you guys? I'm going to Hollywood right now.
That big part has finally come in.
Martin Scorsese is doing a movie about a dry cleaner.
- What's it called? - "Dry Cleaner.
" So I'm off to Hollywood right now.
- It was great knowing you guys.
- Okay.
- Congratulations, Ben.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh at least that's that's good news for Ben.
Bret he's acting.
You think that was acting? He's acting.
- God, he's good.
- He is good.
He's very good.
Could you guys please leave? - We're waiting on our dry cleaning.
- Fuck.
Thank you, Ben.
- Murray.
- Oh, look who it is.
In you come.
The merry jesters.
Have a seat.
I'm just having another look at Stefan's professional credentials.
"To Ben, thanks for keeping me clean, Art Garfunkel.
" I thought that was some sort of drug rehab thing.
"Your whites are the whitest.
" Well, thought that was a Beatles album.
"To Ben, thanks for dry-cleaning my clothes for me, Debbie Harry.
" That makes sense now.
We're sorry, Murray.
For what? Huh? Making me look like king of the dicks? We just thought you needed some positive reinforcement.
It's all right.
It's not even your fault, really.
I'm the dick.
I should have seen it at the meeting.
A 90/10 split.
That's ridiculous.
Not even "Crowded House" gets a 90/10 split.
- Don't they? - No.
but 90/10's unheard of.
I know it's pretend, but I thought you did really well in that meeting.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Eh, Bret? - Yep.
Well I didn't want to say anything, but I was hoping you'd bring that up.
I kind of felt that as well.
- Did you? - Yeah, I did do well, didn't I? - You did? - Yeah.
That was my my proudest moment, that meeting.
Oh look, it's my undies.
Ooh, hot.
Excuse me.
So many empty seats and a story to go with each of 'em.
You've got that right, Jim.
Oh, and one more thing: You know that ticket stub I gave you from the dead guy's suit pocket? - Yeah.
- Look at the date.
Seems a little unusual that a man would go out to the theater three days after he's been reported kidnapped.
You know, Max, you should have been a cop.
I should have been a lot of things, Jim.
I should have been a lot of things.