Friends s01e11 Episode Script

Do you think they have yesterday's Daily News? I just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Oh, my God! Don't Iook now.
Behind you there's a guy who can break our hearts and plunge us into depression.
Come to mama.
He's coming.
Be cool.
Be cool.
Be cool.
-Nice hat.
-Thanks.
-We should do something.
Whistle.
-I' m not whistling.
Come on, do it! Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
I can't believe you did that.
The One With Mrs.
Bing -It's all my fault.
-No, it's mine.
Why did I whoo-hoo? Was I hoping he'd turn around and say " I Iove that sound.
I must have you now"? I wish there was something we could do.
Hello, coma guy.
Get up, you Girl Scout! Up, up, up! What are you doing? Maybe nobody's tried this.
I wish we at Ieast knew his name.
I hate that they're calling him John Doe.
It's so sad.
It's Iike he's a deer, a female deer.
Oh, I was gonna stop.
Look at that face.
Even sleeping he Iooks smart.
Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles mean he's artistic.
Okay.
He's a Iawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.
And he can dance.
And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's Iistening not saying, " I understand " but really wondering what you Iook Iike naked.
I wish all guys could be Iike him.
I know.
You don't even know this guy.
Are there no conscious men in the city for you two? He doesn't have anyone.
We feel kind of responsible.
I can't believe you said "whoo-hoo.
" I don't even say "whoo-hoo.
" Oh, she's coming up.
When we return, we 'll talk with the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing.
Put the kids to bed for this one.
Don't watch this.
Weekend at Bernie 's is on Showtime and HBO.
No way.
-She's your mom.
-Exactly.
Weekend at Bernie 's.
Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times.
I gotta tell you, I Iove your mom's books.
I can't get on a plane without one.
This is so cool.
You wouldn't think so if you were 1 1 and your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.
I remember page 79.
The thing after the opera with the girl with the trick hip? I Iove your mom.
I think she's a blast.
That's because she's not your mom.
Oh, please.
She's the Hi, sweetie.
When did " Rigatoni " get back from Rome? -Last night.
-Really? So, his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire? Just a dream I had.
But, phew! Hey, she's on.
Nora Bing.
Back to the book.
What is this about you being arrested in London? Your mom was arrested? I'm busy beaming with pride.
This is kind of embarrassing but occasionally, after I've been intimate with a man Why would she say that's embarrassing? I just get this craving for kung pao chicken.
That's too much information.
Needless to say, he got a huge tip.
Oh, God, I Iove her! I think I' m having a stroke.
So how is your book tour going? Oh, fine.
I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate.
But I get to see my son, who I love.
This is the way that I find out.
Most moms use the phone.
Don 't take this wrong, I just don 't see you as a mom.
-I don 't mean that bad.
-Oh, no.
I'm a fabulous mom.
I bought my son his first condoms.
And then he burst into flames.
Let's see.
Congress is debating a new deficit-reduction bill.
The mayor wants to raise subway fares.
The high today was 45.
And teams played sports.
What about GIen? He could be a GIen.
Not special enough.
How about Agamemnon? Way too special.
I'm famished.
What do I want? PIease, God, don't Iet it be kung pao chicken.
You watched the show.
What did you think? I think you need to come out of your shell.
What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Come on.
Shut up.
It's fun.
Give me a hug.
I heard about the divorce.
Lesbian, huh? Well, you know what they say: Be careful what you wish for.
-I think we' re ready for some tequila.
-I know I am.
-Who's doing shots? -Hit me.
There you go.
Ross? I' m not really a shot-drinking kind of guy.
Hi.
Sorry we' re Iate.
We kind of just, you know, Iost track of time.
But a man can change.
Anyone want me to appraise anything? Well, I' m gonna go to tinker-town.
Mrs.
Bing, I've read everything you've written.
When I read Euphoria at Midnight, I wanted to become a writer.
Oh, please.
If I can do it, anybody can.
Start with half a dozen European cities throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia and you've got yourself a book.
My mother, Iadies and gentlemen.
Yeah, any messages for room 226? -You okay, slugger? -Oh, yeah.
I' m fine.
What is with you tonight? Nothing.
Nothing, nothing.
Okay, thank you.
It's the Italian hand-Iicker, isn't it? No.
It's the one he's Iicking.
She's supposed to be with you.
You' re good.
I have sold 1 00 million copies of my books, and you know why? The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? No, because I know how to write men that women fall in Iove with.
I cannot sell a Paolo.
People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo.
Come on.
The guy's a secondary character.
He's just a complication you eventually kill off.
When? He's not a hero.
You know who our hero is? The guy on the cover with his nipples showing? No, it's you.
-PIease.
-No, really.
Come on.
You' re smart.
You' re sexy.
-Right.
-Yes, you are.
The fact that you don't think you are makes you sexier.
Come on, kiddo.
You' re gonna be fine, believe me.
I'II just pee in the street.
Is Chandler here? Wait.
Come here.
Okay, about Iast night you know Chandler, you didn't tell.
We don't need to tell Chandler.
It was just a kiss.
No big deal, right? Right.
No big deal.
In bizarro world.
You broke the code.
-What code? -You don't kiss your friend's mom.
Sisters are okay.
Maybe a hot-Iooking aunt.
But not a mom.
Never a mom.
What are you guys doing out here? Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game.
But apparently somebody overslept.
Well, you don't have your racquet.
No.
No, I don't because it's being restrung.
Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Well, you didn't call and Ieave your grip size.
You guys are spending way too much time together.
I' m scum.
I' m scum.
-How could you Iet this happen? -I don't know.
It's not Iike she's a regular mom.
She's sexy.
She's.
You don't think my mom's sexy? Well, not in the same way.
I'II have you know, GIoria T ribbiani was a handsome woman in her day.
You think it's easy giving birth to seven children? Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here.
What are you doing here? Not playing racquetball.
-He forgot to Ieave his grip size.
-He didn't get the goggles.
Sounds Iike you two have issues.
Goodbye, baby.
Do they wait for me to do this? -Are you gonna tell him? -Why would I tell him? If you don't, his mother might.
What are you guys doing here? He's not even wearing a jock strap.
What did I ask? What are you doing here? Nothing.
I just thought I'd stop by, you know, after that I, you know.
So, what are you doing here? I' m not really here.
I just thought I'd drop these off on the way.
My way.
Do you come here a Iot without me? No, no, no.
Do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning? How would I know? I wasn't here.
Really? Not even to change his pajamas? Oh, my God.
You're my friend.
I had to tell you.
I can't believe it.
Paolo kissed my mom? I don't know if you noticed, but he drank a Iot.
I mean, you know how he gets I can't do this.
I did it.
It was me.
I' m sorry.
I kissed your mom.
What? I was upset about Rachel and I had too much tequila, and Nora Mrs.
Mom, your Bing, was being nice.
But nothing happened.
Nothing.
Ask Joey.
-Joey came in -You knew about this? You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Why didn't you tell me? You're Iucky I caught them, or else who knows what would've happened? Thanks, man.
Big help.
What the hell were you thinking? I wasn't.
I don't know.
I No one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
-I know.
-I can't believe you did this.
-Me neither.
-I' m mad at you too.
-Why are you mad at me? -Let me slam the door.
I didn't kiss her.
See what happens when you break the code? "A Woman Undone, by Rachel IKaren Greene.
" I thought I'd give it a shot.
I'm on the first chapter.
Do you think his "Iove stick" can be "Iiberated from its denim prison"? Yeah, I'd say so.
And there's no "J " in "engorged.
" -You going to the hospital tonight? -No.
You? No.
You? You just asked me.
Maybe it was a trick question.
Rachel, can we do this now? I am so hot.
Here's my mom and dad on their wedding day.
Now, you tell me she's not a knockout.
-I can't believe this conversation.
-Just try to picture her not pregnant.
Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Thanks.
I'd Iike to start with a song about a man I recently met who's come to be very important to me.
You don 't have to be awake To be my man Long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand Though we just met the other day There 's something I have got to say Thank you very much.
I' m gonna take a short break.
That was Phoebe Buffay, everybody.
-What the hell was that? -Phoebe just started I was talking to Joey.
AII right, there, mother-kisser? " Mother-kisser.
" I'II shut up.
I know you' re still mad at me but there were two people there that night.
-There were two sets of Iips.
-I expect this from her.
She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Then why don't you say something? Because it's complicated.
It's complex.
You kissed my mom.
We' re rehearsing a Greek play.
That's funny.
Are we done now? You mean you' re not gonna tell her how you feel? Just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her.
You can't talk to her.
Okay.
"You can't"? Or you can't? Okay, that's my finger.
Okay, that's my knee.
Still doing the play.
What did you do with him? -You're awake.
-Look at you.
How do you feel? A Iittle woozy, but basically okay.
Gosh, you Iook good.
I feel good.
Who are you? -Sorry.
-I'm Phoebe.
I' m Monica.
I've been caring for you.
We both have.
-The Etch A Sketch is from you? -Actually, me.
-I got you the foot massager.
-I shaved you.
-I read to you.
-I sang.
Well, thanks.
-Oh, my pleasure.
-You' re welcome.
So I guess I'II see you around.
What? That's it? "See you around "? -What do you want me to say? -I don't know.
Maybe "That was nice.
" " It meant something to me.
" " I'II call you.
" -Okay.
I'II call you.
-I don't think you mean that.
This is so typical.
You know, we give and we give and we give.
And we just get nothing back.
And then one day, you wake up, and it's, "See you around.
" Let's go, Phoebe.
You know what? We thought you were different.
But I guess it was just the coma.
The car's waiting.
I just wanted to drop off my book for your friends.
Autographed.
And give you a goodbye kiss.
Here's the kiss, here's the goodbye.
-Anything you want from Lisbon? -Just knowing you' re there is enough.
AII right.
Well, be good.
I Iove you.
You kissed my best Ross.
Or something to that effect.
Look, it was stupid.
-Really stupid.
-Really stupid.
I don't even know how it happened.
I' m sorry, honey.
I promise it will never happen again.
Really, really stupid.
Really, really stupid.
-Are we okay now? -Yeah.
No.
The forbidden Iove of a man and his door.
He told her off.
And not just about the kiss.
You're kidding? He said, "When are you gonna start being a mom? " Then she said: "The question is, when are you gonna realize I have a bomb? " Are you sure she didn't say: "When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom? " -That makes more sense.
-You think? What's going on now? I don't know.
I've been standing here spelling it out for you.
I don't hear anything.
Wait.
What do you see? It's hard to tell.
They're tiny and upside down.
Wait, wait, wait.
They're walking away.
They're walking away.
No, they' re not.
They' re coming right at us.
Run! -Are you okay, kiddo? -Yeah, I' m okay.
AII right.
You be good.
Drive safe.
-Mrs.
Bing.
-Mr.
Geller.
You mean that? Yeah, why not? So I told her.
-How did it go? -Awful.
Awful.
Couldn't have gone worse.
-Well, how do you feel? -Pretty good.
I told her.
Well, see? So maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, me kissing your mom, huh? But we don't have to go down that road.
This is just the first chapter and I want your absolute honest opinion.
Okay? And on page two, he's not reaching for her " heaving beasts.
" She could have heaving beasts.
Right, but in this case she doesn't.
What's a " niffle"? You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Okay, so I' m not a great typist.
Did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"? You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.
That's it.
Give them back.
Wait, I just got to the part about her "public hair.
"