Friends with Benefits s01e11 Episode Script

Liar! What?! How was your job interview today? You know, I, uh, I don't think I got the job.
It says you majored in "media studies and pubic relations.
" Yeah, yeah.
Pubic relations.
Get it? I know what my problem is.
I'm not a company man.
I need to start my own business, you know.
You ever think about doing something like that? In addition to the nanotechnology company that I started and sold for millions of dollars, no, I haven't thought about that.
No, no, no, I mean, like, a real business.
Like like a yogurt store, you know, or that place in the mall where you can make your own bear? You got any ideas? Not yet.
But you know me.
I'm always coming up with stuff.
It's like the Genius Bar, except everybody's topless.
Whoo! Fortune cookie condoms.
My first match is Wednesday.
What I don't have is capital.
Unless you were interested in investing.
I thought we were bowling.
Okay, if I come up with a great idea, will you back me? You know, I don't know.
And that is to say I don't want to.
Oh, come on.
Once this thing takes off, you will get your investment back tenfold.
twentyfold.
fiftyfold.
How many folds do you want? I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come up with a brilliant idea, and then we'll discuss it.
Well, that shouldn't be too hard, because you're talking to the guy who invented the left- handed pin-cinerator.
Oh, God.
Um We'll add on an extra fold for that.
Hey.
Would you buy a sweater that had a built-in hat? You mean like a hoodie? Damn.
Remember that journalist I met a few weeks ago-- Austin? Will the cutbacks affect your ability to offer gynecological care? Yes.
I have many elderly patients who Oops.
Darn it.
Can you kick that fetus back over here? How does this get in there? Buy me dinner and I'll let you know.
Taste this.
Wow.
Sex? It's good, but I'm not banging you for some mac and cheese.
No, sex with Austin.
As in, how it is? We haven't had it yet.
All right, throw him some after your date, see how things shake out.
Not tonight.
I'm wearing really bad underwear.
Take 'em off.
Go skinless, boneless.
Ew.
What were you doing right before this froze? Uh, let's see.
I clicked out of Explorer, I checked my mailbox and then I opened MS Word.
Oh, and then I spilled my soup.
Aaron, I know what our business should be.
I was standing in line at this food truck, and I got this awesome idea.
Food truck.
Okay, Ben, I never actually agreed to loan you the money.
Come on.
I found this used truck for 2,500 bucks.
Aaron, you got to trust me on this one.
There's two things I know about-- macaroni and cheese.
And I finally perfected my recipe.
Come on, plane goes in the hangar.
Uh-uh.
Hmm? Hmm? unbelievable.
Is this Gouda? Uh-uh.
Mm, mm.
Riley, what do you want? I hate the Internet.
Oh.
I hate it.
Hey, you guys remember that chick Corinne who I dated two months ago? No.
Yeah, neither did I.
But pull up Chi-Town's 20 Most Doable Bachelors.
Dot-org.
Now she has rated everyone she's slept with.
And she put me ninth.
Man, that's like saying Jordan is the ninth best basketball player, or Franken Berry is the ninth best monster cereal.
No way.
She really harshes on your spanking technique.
I know.
She has put me on blast in front of the entire sex community.
I'm going to take Corinne out again, and re-bone her flawlessly.
Handle it.
Mm-hmm.
Hang on.
I'll head down with you.
Hey, just out of curiosity, who's number one? Some ass hat named Colin Zabrowski.
So, um, you're backing me? Oh, I am backing you.
Thanks, buddy! Austin that was the best date since ever.
I mean, you listened, you had interesting things to say.
And when I laugh at your jokes, I'm actually laughing.
Well, the one about the 12-inch pianist, it was kind of a layup.
Sara Uh-oh.
I need to talk to you about something.
I knew it.
I make up my mind that I like him, he wants to break up.
The story of my life.
You see, I'm on antidepressants.
God, that makes me so happy.
I'm sorry.
Was that insensitive? No, no, no, no, no.
It can just sometimes make the physical stuff, uh challenging.
I wanted to say that upfront.
Challenge is my middle name.
Unless you want to buy me a locket or something, then it's Emily.
Sorry it took so long.
Sorry you didn't, you know How's it going, buddy? Ta-da.
Or should I say, ta-dow! Yeah, I got this baby super cheap.
Okay, listen, I made a list of action items, okay? Hey, these are things you've got to take care of before you get started.
Also I got you a fanny pack.
Because hipsters steal.
That's how they afford all those tiny sweaters.
Now I've been crunching some numbers, and I think we might actually be profitable by Q3.
According to my regression theory, we got to treat this thing like rock-a-roni, rock-a-roni, rock-a-roni, rock-a-roni, rock-a-roni.
So, Corinne, I was wondering if you were planning on doing any blogging.
'Cause after last night, I have a feeling I am no longer ninth on your list.
Yeah, I was thinking of moving you up to eight.
Eight? That's it? You moved up a slot.
You should be proud.
There's a lot of competition out there.
What's a guy got to do to get to number one? Me.
Better.
No friggin' way.
Oh, gosh.
I am so lost.
Hey.
Business is booming.
I've always wanted to say that.
Mm, gimme.
Oh, okay.
Mm.
Hand me that helmet.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
So I did it with Austin.
Oh? And it was, uh, well, the kindest word would be problematic.
Couldn't get things off the ground? They got off the ground.
Oh, Speedy Gonzales.
More like Eeyore on antidepressants having sex with me.
It was endless.
I mean, it started out normally.
But after about 45 minutes, I started to think who else in Chicago is having sex right now.
And are they taking this long? And then I really started to hate those people.
Those lucky post-orgasmic bastards.
And then the chafing started.
Sorry.
I got to stop.
Whoo.
He's on these meds and they delay things.
I mean, he's got game.
It's not like he's a slacker.
It's just infinite.
Well, can he stop taking the antidepressants? He tried that.
What am I going to do? I had to skip spin class this morning.
Well, if it were me, I would totally bail, but you're not me, you're you.
And you always say talk about it openly and without judgment, so there you go.
You know what? I'm right.
I'm going to talk to him.
Ow.
Hey, that's my underwear! Yeah.
Hey, macaroni man.
So when do you close up? Oh.
Have you been selling food out of this vehicle? Uh I'm afraid I'm going to have to shut you down until you get a permit.
What? No Oh, and you're going to have to pay this fine.
$1,000?! Can you believe this? I mean, I'm just trying to feed hungry people.
If I was in India doing this, I'd be like the Gandhi of there.
Freeze! Give me my fanny pack, hipster! Wow.
You are number one.
So that was better.
No, it wasn't, Sara.
It took forever.
I had a buzz cut when we started.
Flowers bloomed and died.
Monkeys turned into people.
Is it me? Am I turning you off? No, no, it's not you.
It's this stupid medication.
Well, I for one, am not giving up.
What can I do to help? You've already done so much.
God, I am such a loser.
No, no, no, no, no.
The penis does not respond well to negative self talk.
Let's tackle this thing.
That is so cool.
All right.
Well, maybe it would help if things got a little spicier? God, uh, this is embarrassing.
You know dirtier.
I can do dirty.
Good morning, class.
Uh, Ms.
Maxwell I've been a very bad student.
Is-is there any way I can earn some extra credit? Looks like someone didn't read his syllabus.
That's right.
That is going to earn you a gold star.
Okay, it's time to finish, Austin.
Please finish.
Did you finish? Yeah.
Really? No.
Check it out.
Dude! I've been up all night.
I have re-worked the Web site.
I have tricked out the Rock-a-Roni Twitter feed.
You can see where the truck is going, and I've even added a quiz that says "What cheese am I?" I happen to be Gruyère.
Who would have thought? Good hustle.
But first, some minor hiccups in the ka-ching department.
$5,000 for the permit, $1,000 for the ticket because we didn't have a permit Oh, and $20 for the fanny pack to replace the stolen one that had, like, 600 bucks in it.
Bills, bills, bills.
No.
Yeah, don't you wish we could just tell them "no"? But we can't.
You got to pay it, dude, or else you'll be tweeting "No more macaroni truck.
" I can still tweet "No more macaroni truck," because that's what's going to happen.
'Cause I'm out.
I am done.
I'm not giving you another cent.
Why not? You're rich.
Ten grand to you is like ten bucks to me.
Uh-huh.
And it was a mistake to give you that.
You know what? It's almost like you don't believe in me.
It's exactly like that.
It's like, I believe in you to pick up hot girls, or beat me at Wii bowling, or manage my fantasy football team.
But it's like I don't believe in you when it comes to running a business.
Because you're too much of a child, Ben.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Why don't you tell that to me in your action figure room? That room is vacuum-sealed, Ben! You know that! Yeah, and so is your heart, which is why this partnership's over.
Yes, it is.
Guess I'll go move my truck now.
Probably a good idea, 'cause your truck's getting a ticket.
What? Ah Wow.
This is even good cold.
Well, enjoy it now because this is the end of Rock-a-Roni.
Can you believe Aaron said all that? Well What? You agree with him? Well Say more words! You can't just wake up one day and say, "I'm successful.
" I mean, you can say it, but you're still watching Jersey Shore in your underwear.
If the macaroni truck is something you want, you have to put in the work.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Well, at least you can do something about your thing.
My thing is like Oh, is this, like, a "Houston, we have a problem" situation? Austin.
And I don't know.
Well, you just have to decide if this guy's worth it or not.
Tell me I belong You are the sweetest thing to me Say that I'm not wrong You have the sweetest thing for me Say He made it so I could record one thing in the living room and then watch it in my bedroom.
I don't have to re-TiVo.
Oh, if I had two rooms, I would totally love that.
Well, I guess it's time for both of us to work for it.
Really? Oh, no, no.
I washed it before all the I did.
It was seriously the best sex I've ever had.
And that includes Sting and Mrs.
Sting.
Well, they're European.
Of course they're going to be better.
I get that I am not the best in the world.
I have even come to terms with not being the best in America.
Oh, good.
You have perspective.
But Chicago? With Barack in DC, I got to be the man! You don't just wake up and be the man.
You think I got so good just sitting around the house? No.
I'm out there every weekend, working on my game, trying to be the best I can possibly be.
You know what? You're right, Riley.
But I can't do it on my own.
I need you to give me some details, so I can use this man's strengths against him like in judo.
Fine.
We're going to need a dry erase board, a rope, three planks of wood and an Italian/English dictionary.
Done.
And I talked to my urologist friend at the hospital, and he said it might help you to finish if we took fun, sexy time-outs while we're having sex.
I have never met anyone so determined.
But-But this is my problem.
You're amazing.
So why don't I look into some new medication? Until then, we'll put a clock on it.
If I'm not done in an hour, we'll take a break.
Or, uh if you prefer, I can always fake it.
Break.
Really? All right, we got Real Housewives Beverly Hills, Atlanta or New York.
Take your pick.
You're planting your left foot too late.
You're not going to have enough momentum to flip me upside down.
Okay.
Let me try again.
And go! I do not accept defeat.
Let's take it from the top.
Hey, hey Sunshine It's a beautiful day Hey, hey Sunshine It's a beautiful day Hey, hey Sunshine It's a beautiful day It's a beautiful day It's a beautiful day You got it? Yes! Ooh.
Wow.
Yeah.
Please tell me you weren't faking it.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um, you know Yeah.
I know.
Yeah.
I got you.
But hey, man, excellent work on the truck.
It looks fantastic.
Thank you.
But, uh, I think you are still missing one thing.
I got the frickin' permit! I'm talking about music, dude.
I got you a record player.
Oh A lot of food trucks out there, now you can be the only one that plays real rock music on real vinyl.
This is amazing.
I mean The only problem is I sold my frickin' collection last night to get the permit.
You know what? I knew that.
Which is why this morning What? Hey, guys.
I bought it back for you.
What? I don't even know what to say.
Thank you.
Dude, I look at it as a can't-lose investment.
Thanks, buddy.
You're the best.
You're the best.
I know.
I know.
Yes! Yes! Mmm.
Oh I could not have done it without you.
You had the power inside you all the time.
Thank you, Obi-Wan "Keboni.
" It's Benjamin.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I just came over to thank you.
You know, you really inspired me to turn it around with my "biz-nass.
" Yeah? Yeah.
The truck's all squared away.
I got a fresh new coat of paint.
Rock-a-Roni is actually rockin'.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Mmm.
And I got to thank you.
After we talked, I put in a real effort with Austin, and it paid off big-time.
Good.
Big-time.
Big-time.
You know what I mean? You know, I didn't before, but I think I get it now.
So that's Hey, but how cool.
Hey, look at us, turning things around.
Huh? Why don't we celebrate? I brought beer.
Wow.
Um, I'd love to, but Actually, I was on my way out the door.
I have plans with Austin.
Oh, yeah.
Um rain check? Totally.
Okay.
So, I will see you around, then.
Okay.
Hey.
That's great about your new business.
I'm really proud of you.
Thanks.
Oh, it's great about, um, Austin.
I just want to go back in time and shake Mr.
Macaroni's hand.
Yeah.
Dude.
Dude! That's the hipster girl who stole my first fanny pack.
What do we do? Mm-mm-mmm.
What would Will Smith do? Oh I don't know.
I don't know.
But I saw a thing on Anderson Cooper.
He made a citizen's arrest.
Okay, okay.
Well, Anderson is the only one cooler than Will Smith, so Okay.
Follow my lead.
Aah! Freeze! You're under citizen's arrest! Get on the ground, creeper! Dude, dude.
Wrong hipster.
What would A.
C.
do now? Run?