Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e11 Episode Script

Oh, Doug! Hi, how are you? I'm good.
Hey, your fiancé scored three goals today.
Yeah, only because of this guy's assists.
Hey.
Hey, everybody, I want you to meet my mate, Doug.
- Hey.
Hi, everyone.
- Hi, Doug.
Doug, this is Kate.
I mean I'm Kate, hi Hello, Kate.
- Hi.
- Uh, look, I'm double-parked.
I just wanted to come and say hey, Jules.
But nice to meet you all.
Hey, thanks for the ride, mate.
Well, he seems like a nice guy.
Easy on the eyes, too.
What? What, so finding another man sexy makes me gay? It's the first step on the journey.
He just moved here.
He doesn't know that many people.
He's such a catch, too.
Hey! Do we know anyone we can set Doug up with? Hmm.
Bobby, what about Jill, the labor and delivery nurse? She just got engaged.
- Mm.
Oh, what about your cousin Courtney? - Moved to Florida.
Oh, my god, Kate.
I am so sorry.
Ah.
Do you know anybody who would be good for Doug? Yes.
Me! Me! I would be good for Doug! Oh Yeah No.
What?! Why not me? No, no.
It's just that Doug's such a nice guy and we want him to be, you know happy.
Excuse me? It's just that, every time we set you up with somebody, you invent some ridiculous reason why the guy isn't good enough.
Too tall, too short, weird earlobes, eats a banana with a knife and fork.
It's a handheld fruit.
Kate, we have put ourselves on the line for you.
I mean, we've lost friendships.
We've been put in awkward situations.
We're done.
Now, are you gonna finish that? So let me get this straight, you've all decided that I am un-setup-able? No, it's nothing personal.
We love you as a friend but, romantically Uh How do I say this? We wouldn't wish you on our worst enemy.
c17 Are these yours or mine? Does it even matter? No, you're the man.
All right, I'll see you later, buddy.
Who are you talking to? Craig.
Who's Craig? Your neighbor, C-dog.
Oh, you mean blue Prius guy.
Ah, right, the one married to only wears turtlenecks.
Mm.
She has a name.
And it's Lisa.
And, be kind, she's got a very unsightly mole.
How do you know so much about our neighbors? Uh I talk to them.
Well, that has gotta stop right now.
Will, we have worked very hard to create a bubble, to insulate ourselves from the neighbors.
All right? We don't want any obligations.
No obligations.
Or surprise stop-bys.
Oh, hate the stop-bys.
And we definitely don't want to be asked to babysit a cat with diarrhea.
God, I do not miss the Brenners.
C-dog and Lisa are not the Brenners.
Give 'em access, and any neighbor can be the Brenners.
What, so I can't be neighborly? Sure, buy your own house.
Get to know your own neighbors.
Ooh, these are sexy.
When'd you get these? Last week.
Okay, that was the moving company.
They're gonna deliver the rest of my stuff from storage tomorrow.
Aw and then we'll be officially moved in together.
- I know.
- Aw Ugh, do you mind? No, I guess it is presumptuous of us to express affection in our own home.
I'm off to work anyway.
- I'll see ya later.
- Mm-hmm.
What's this? My résumé as a person.
28 reasons why I am setup-able.
You're kidding, right? Oh.
Okay.
"Does not perspire.
" "Open to booty calls.
" "Perfect sized nipples"? Like Canadian quarters.
Still, he's a really good friend of Lowell's, and if things go wrong, it could get really awkward.
Okay.
I know in the past, I've been a little particular.
- Ridiculously picky - Okay, fine But I just really want to meet a great guy, and if even my closest friends think I'm un-setup-able, then what chance do I have at happiness? My god, you're persuasive.
Yeah.
It's there under "special skills.
" Right above "no gag reflex.
" When will this party end? Honey, come here for a sec.
Is that Will? Of course it is.
Look at how the moonlight is reflecting off his massive forehead.
Bubble-popping son of a bitch.
You're still glowing.
I'm sorry, but it was C-dog's 40th birthday.
I specifically told you to stay within the confines of the bubble.
Yeah, I know, but I like being a part of the community.
Whe-when val got the house in the divorce, she also got all the neighbors.
I'm a neighborhood guy.
Well, as long as you're living under this roof, you're a bubble guy.
I had to go.
The whole neighborhood was there.
Yeah, we don't care that the whole neigh Wait, the whole neighborhood was there? Why weren't we invited? Uh, be cause nobody likes you.
How could they not like us? Who cares if nobody likes us? I do! It's one thing if we exclude them, but another if they exclude us.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
They are gonna like us.
Ooh, they are gonna like us even if I have to shove us down their throat.
And you know why? You want to know why? Because we are a frickin' delight! Well, that's everything.
In the world? Well, I-I guess we're gonna have to get rid of - some stuff.
- Your stuff.
Call us when you lose, buddy.
Hi, Craig.
I'm Andi McAllister from next door.
I know who you are.
I, um, I brought you some cookies.
Lisa! Always pregnant lady's here! The one married to ginger balls? Hi, yes.
I was just coming by to bring over Hi.
Lisa, right? - I brought you some cookies.
- Interesting.
I brought cookies over when you moved in.
As I recall, when I rang the doorbell, you hid behind the couch.
Like a child.
Well, the point is I'm here now.
And I, I really want to be a better neighbor.
Well, she did walk over here.
And Carrying that load can't be easy.
Thank you, C-dog.
It is not.
Fine.
If you really want to get involved, as block captain, I know a lot of ways you could help out.
Well, captain Call on me if you need anything.
You know where I live.
You're handsome, successful, no kids that you know of.
Is there anything wrong with you? You know, I'm really glad Lowell gave me your number.
I'm glad, too.
I'm more glad.
And there it is.
What do you mean, he was too nice? Ugh, I mean he's complimentary and accommodating and just so happy to be with me.
What a bastard.
You are unbelievable.
I went out on a limb and convinced Lowell to set you up, because you swore you wouldn't do this.
He gave me a soft forehead kiss good night.
Kate, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the problem isn't with these guys? Maybe it's you? It doesn't seem likely.
Look, you can't make a decision about someone after just one date.
I mean, do you know how many things about Bobby bothered me on our first date? She farted.
But we gave it a second chance.
Come on, you guys really think it's me? Yes! Okay.
Well, wh-what about this poster? Do we like that poster? Uh, I thought we did.
Do we not? I think maybe we think it's a little dated.
What do you say we throw it in the discard pile? - Okay.
- Okay.
Hey! Oi! - Hey.
Hey! Ooh, is this the sorority stuff I was storing at your house? I don't look inside.
I'm just the mule.
Here you go.
Old t-shirts.
Lobster bibs.
- And a fork.
- Yeah.
Discard pile? No! Are you kidding? That fork and I have been everywhere together.
These are treasured memories.
Uh, yeah, but yesterday you made me throw away my high school diploma.
And that was a decision we made together.
Oh, yeah.
It looks like the whole merging process is going seamlessly.
- Yeah, it is.
- All right, listen closely, we don't have a lot of time.
What are you talking about? This is the discard pile, right? And it's all your stuff.
No.
We made a decision together, that it was best for us No.
"We.
" "Together.
" "Us.
" Those are all code words that they use to make their ideas seem like yours.
- That doesn't sound like Jules.
-No.
This has Andi written all over it.
She must have spoken to her.
The only thing I have left from my former life is a barcalounger in the garage that a raccoon had babies in.
Lowell, honey, do we really need this cricket bat with all the signatures all over it? Uh, honey, those are actually the autographs of the entire Australian national team and Oh, my god, Bob.
You're right! She's been working me! Reclaim your stuff.
- Stand up for yourself and be a man.
- Okay.
All right, I gotta go.
I gotta buy Andi some string cheese and a hemorrhoid pillow.
This is my life.
No I can't find a flaw.
Okay.
Uh, Doug, why don't you tell me more about you? You know, something unexpected I might have missed on the first date.
Oh, okay.
Um, I'm very close with my mum and dad.
Uh-huh.
I love making collages As you will soon discover.
And I cry freely.
Okay, now don't look.
What am I drawing on your hand? A heart? - With wings.
- Oh.
What the hell is all this? It's for the spring block party.
You mean that thing we always leave town for? Yeah.
This year you're doing the face-painting booth.
Pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew! That's Lisa and Craig's son.
We're watching him while Lisa takes her father-in-law to get his colonoscopy.
Pee-paw has a polyp.
Now, Henry, we don't know that.
See, there was some blood in Pee-paw's stool, but we know All right, you know what? This is a nightmare, all right? Who's that? Oh, that's Tucker.
Tom and Gina's dog.
And while you're watching the dog and watching Henry, who's watching our son? Oh, he's at my mom's.
Sweetheart, would you mind going out and getting me some more glitter pens? Yes, I would mind.
I'd mind very much.
Andi, take a look around.
The bubble is gone.
Finally, it feels like a real home.
Hey, ginger balls, more popcorn! Ginger balls, please.
It's not me, it's him! I gave him a second chance, and he held my face.
I'm out! Kate! No, no, no, you know what? It's fine, actually, 'cause Doug's not into you, either.
What? He said he didn't feel a spark.
I don't understand.
He's not interested in you.
So what are you saying? He did not like you.
But look, there's no harm, no foul.
I mean, what are you gonna do? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am going to call him.
Why? Off the fact that he could sit there with no interest and put on all that phony niceness.
That is hot.
I thought you said Doug liked her.
Oh, he's crazy about her.
And you knew if you told her that he didn't like her, that would make her call him.
You are good! I want my chair back.
- No.
- Okay.
Nice TV.
How big is that TV? I don't know.
What would you say, 55? Sure, 55.
There's no way that's 55.
Andi, this is fantastic.
You are such a godsend.
Bobby, did you hear that? I'm a godsend.
I bet it's 47.
Okay, it's 47.
Come on.
If you think it's 55, just stick up for yourself.
I almost forgot.
Bobby, all the face-painters wear costumes.
So here is your clown suit.
Never gonna happen.
I'll take that for him.
Well, the flyers are up.
Hi, Will.
Or should I say "Mr.
Cornhole"? It's the game with the beanbags.
- Oh.
Mm-hmm.
- The yeah.
I'm running it.
Mm.
So, did I hear that Evelyn is in the hospital? She's having another "knee surgery.
" Which reminds me.
Andi, would you like to take over her duties as editor of the block newsletter? The Whitley Whisper? Lisa, I-I would love to.
Fantastic.
Bobby, your wife could be block captain some day.
Oh, fyi, your dog crapped in the hallway.
I don't have a dog.
Well, you have a crap.
How'd you lose more stuff? You were supposed to take a stand! Yeah, I know.
I tried, okay? But she can be very persuasive.
She had sex with me! Hey, guys! See what I'm up against? Hey.
So, baby, on my run, I was thinking about what you said.
And you're right.
Why do we need your wicker footstool? Oh, no, I'm not - Okay.
- Uh, stop! Just go get a cup of coffee.
I'll take care of this.
Okay.
What's going on, Bobby? Jules, sweetheart, it's me, okay? We both know what you're doing to Lowell.
And it may fly with Lowell, but I've been married a long time, and it's not gonna fly with me.
You feel me? Oh, no Hey, hey, no, don't Bob What happened to all my stuff? Hey, look, the good news is, you're still living here.
Why are they taking your sweater? Well, Jules and I talked, and we agreed that purple isn't our best color.
Do you feel a spark now? I have since the moment we met.
Oh, it's okay, I know that's not true.
No, really, it is.
But I thought you weren't interested.
I have always been interested.
Then I have been lied to.
Kate Would you like to make love? Why don't I put some music on? I made a playlist of romantic songs.
It's called "songs for lovemaking.
" Okay.
Ugh! How can somebody be so incredibly desirable and repulsive at the same time? He'd be the perfect guy if he just didn't talk.
Why does he have to be so damn nice?! So he just went straight for a rear delivery? Can you believe? Total sneak attack! You do not attack from the rear without warning.
Right?! I mean, it's at least a discussion and probably a nice piece of jewelry.
Jules, show them your bracelet.
Not now.
So, did you go through with it? Of course not! I never got the appeal.
I mean, why vacation in Newark when Manhattan is just a bridge away? Because when someone tells you that under no circumstance can you go to Newark, all you can think about is going to Newark.
You're never going to Newark.
Kate, I gotta say, I did not expect that from Doug.
Yeah, well, I gotta run.
I'm meeting him for a drink.
Wait you're gonna go out with him again? Even after? Absolutely.
Clearly I misjudged him.
A truly nice guy wouldn't have that in his repertoire.
I kind of want to see where this thing is gonna go.
I think we all know where that thing is gonna go.
You guys have a lot of nerve! Andi, it's for you.
You and this stupid newsletter got my house robbed! What?! Why would you say that? "Hey, neighbors, Craig and Lisa are spending a long weekend in San Francisco.
Let's keep a Whitley street watch on their empty house.
" Yeah, I could see why you'd say that.
The neighborhood association has voted, and you've been banned from all block activities.
And that goes for you, too, Mr.
Cornhole! Looks like we're back in the bubble.
C17