Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e11 Episode Script

Left, left! Go right, go right! Go left! Go right! Keep my job? What kind of job's that? A hand job? No.
Oh, that's real mature.
God! Why do you spite me? Doughnuts.
I'm gonna let you know right off the bat that I've been drinking.
Too much? Is there such a thing? Can you drink too much? I don't know.
I'm not Socrates.
I'm in marketing, for crying out loud.
I'm basically like any other guy.
I want a new boat, I want some of the secretaries here to understand that my wife and I have a An "agreement.
" And I wanna start drinking at 2 in the afternoon.
Where's the crime in that? Speaking of crime, we at Funny or Die agreed to make some television with funds supplied by our friends over at HBO.
Currently there is an investigation into what became of those funds but in the meantime, without any money we were able to cobble together this half-hour of shit.
I'm not telling you to watch it.
I'm just letting you know what's happening.
Tonight on the Funny or Die Network: It's " The Amazing Adventures of David & Jennie" the final episode of "Designated Driver" starring Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer "Space Baby" Dave Koechner's "Men of Unquiet Desperation" and a sketch from "Day by Day.
" - It's so pretty.
- Such a beautiful view.
- We should get a picture.
- Yeah.
Oh, hi.
Excuse me? Hello? Would you take a picture of us? Okay.
Do you guys have a camera? - No.
- No.
- You know, how am l? - Do you? No I don't.
No.
- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.
- Thank Thank you.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, right.
- Crazy.
- What's that? What a loco cabeza.
Oh, here we are.
- Zagat rated.
- Let's do it.
"Tang's Donuts.
You won't be able to leave.
" Hi, welcome to Tang's Donuts.
I'm Mr.
Tang.
How can I help you? Hi, I'm gonna have a chocolate Long John two Paul's Balls and a Jelly Jean Jammer.
Okay, we also have some really old Glazed Holes.
Oh, that sounds really good.
I'll have a dozen.
David, look, they're hiring! Jennie, we're on vacation.
No jobs.
- But I love jobs.
- Get a job.
Jennie, we're not getting a jo Hey, check this out.
Wow, that last 15 seconds was the best minute of my life.
What do we do next, boss? Well, you have to go in the basement and watch the training video.
Cool.
Hello, and welcome to Mr.
Tang's House of Donuts.
Doughnuts.
If you're watching this, you've probably been locked in the basement.
This is weird.
This is not weird.
This is my way of saying live in my basement.
Eat nothing but dust.
Go to the bathroom in a bucket.
And live with me forever.
I think you're gonna like it here.
Pesky doughnuts.
Also another interesting fact about Tang's Donuts: There's no reason to look under the flowerpot because there's nothing there.
It'd just be a waste of your time.
What are you doing there? If you think there's a key under there, you're fooling yourselves.
That's not a key.
Okay, it is a key but don't use it to unlock that door at the top of the stairs.
Guys, stop it.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- We quit! - Yeah, shove it.
Wait! Doughnut leave, you guys.
Bagel your pardon, Tang, but you locked us in the basement.
Don't you think that's a little bit cruller? Yeah, you really hurt our cream fillings.
Get back in the basement.
- Okay.
- Don't, it's a trick.
What the h? Well, could I at least take a picture of you before you leave? A little something to remember you by? Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- Fine.
Okay, yeah.
Get together.
Smile.
I am drunk.
Pick my ass up.
Oh, fuck.
Doughnuts.
No, no, no! - Drive! - Don't yell! - Booty call, motherfucker! - She's married! Her husband! - Who are you? - No It's a night of reckoning! I'm the fucking devil! What do you think about that, Glenn? That's not Glenn.
We went to the wrong house.
What the hell's going on? - It's Glenn.
- Barry? If there was a robot that you could have intercourse with is that weird? Are you a weirdo? If they're made for that I have a robot that I fuck.
- It's - What? It's a doll that I put a Darth Vader mask on, but That is fucked up.
- That's what I'm saying.
- It's not fucked up.
- I gotta tell you something.
- Yeah? - This is the best night of my life, man.
- Dude, I haven't had this much fun forever.
- Barry, what the fuck, man? - Shut the fuck up, Glenn! - Seriously, shut the fuck up.
- Help me, please! Call 911! - Time to pay the piper, motherfucker! - Please, God, don't kill me! You've been pranked! You've been car-pranked! My friend Taback's got a ranch.
We'll take you up there, and put your body in his hot tub.
We're gonna drown you! How many dead bodies could fit in that hot tub? - A lot.
Yeah.
- Sixteen, yeah? Sixteen of you! And when you're dead we're gonna bring you out back to the horses and feed your body to them.
They eat your flesh, right? - Somebody help me! - Plug that shit in the GPS, Taback.
- I don't wanna die! - Yeah, well, about that, Barry.
I - I don't have a ranch.
- What do you mean? I don't have a ranch.
I don't have horses.
I ain't fucking with you.
Listen to me.
I don't even I don't even have a hot tub.
You don't have a hot tub? Anybody can afford a hot tub.
Shut the fuck up, Glenn.
Why would you lie to me? I'm a fuckup, all right? I don't know what to tell you.
I've been lying about a lot of shit.
I don't even have a girlfriend, dude.
That That booty call? - She's a hooker.
- What? I don't have a job.
I got fired today.
I think I got a drinking problem.
I mean you're the only friend I got in the world and I managed to fuck your life up too tonight.
I don't have anything, man, all right? I'm a total fucking failure.
I lied to you, fucked up my life, I'm fucking up your life.
We're gonna end up killing Glenn tonight.
- God, no, don't kill me! - No, no, we're not gonna kill Glenn.
- Oh, thank God.
- And you're not a fuckup either.
Yeah? And you don't probably have a drinking problem.
You do have a drinking problem.
But you're a good guy.
A real good guy.
Right, Glenn? - I don't really know him.
- Tell him he's the best, Glenn! You're the best.
Hey, I'm sorry I fucked your life up.
Can you forgive me? You didn't fuck my life up.
I owe you.
I owe you a taco.
- Yeah.
A fucking taco.
- Taco.
- Taco.
- Yeah, a taco.
Why don't you suck each other's dicks? - Shut the fuck up, Glenn! - Shut the fuck up, Glenn! Run! All right.
Let's get our grub on.
- Yes.
- Love it.
After you.
- No, no, no! - No, no, no! Come on, man.
It's only, like, five to 4.
Your sign says you don't close till 4, man! What? What the fuck did he just say? "Whatever.
" He's He said "whatever.
" God! Why do you spite me? Jesus Christ.
This one's on me.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
Don't move! Put your hands on your heads.
- All right, hold on.
Everybody relax.
- Hands on your heads! Hold on a sec, guys.
This man is completely innocent, all right? He is my hostage and I forced him to drive me around tonight.
- That's a fact.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- All right.
Cuff him.
We'll get a statement from him.
Oh, jeez.
Devil.
How's it going, Green Mile? Wow, what a night, huh? - Barry? - You still hungry? Hell, yeah! - Hey.
- Who are you guys? - Let's do this! - Yes.
The professor is meeting with Space Baby to give her important information.
You must stop them and kill Space Baby.
All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth.
She travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.
And as she travels from planet to planet, she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed.
I understand, but I have some very important, secret information that proves that the one-eyed man is not your enemy.
Is Space Baby dead? No, I did not kill Space Baby.
You have failed me for the last time.
So I guess that means I'm fired.
Well, that sucks.
No, I'm going to kill you.
Oh, that's worse.
This is Travis.
You know what to do.
Damn it, wrong number.
- Hello.
- I need your help.
I told you never to call me here, Dr.
Brain.
- That's my other line.
I've gotta take this.
- Yes, I'll hold.
- Hello.
- You just called my phone and hung up.
- No, yes.
It was a wrong number.
- I know, I saw your number on my phone.
Oh, thank you, Captain Technology.
You wouldn't say that if you were here, you pussy.
Better.
Hey, look, I'm going to the space station.
I need you to get Space Baby there.
I'm sending Space Baby directly to you.
Is that a personal call? No, it's just a guy at Sector G.
He's He's crazy.
Space Baby, we meet at last.
Oh, that's real mature.
You're not very smart.
I don't understand how people had problems killing you.
Those aren't words.
You're dumb.
Hey, watch the tray.
Hey, easy there, Baby.
Oh, son of a! This has been another episode of "Space Baby.
" - Hi, Ken.
- Hey, doll.
What are you, a Barbie doll? Hey you hear about Ken? Smooth down there.
No.
- You're Ken.
- Ken doll.
No.
- But I'm not smooth down there.
- I think Okay.
I think some visitors parked in some reserved spaces back there.
Reserved spaces? Were they? Were they reservations? Native American.
Dances With Cars.
No.
- Trail of Tears.
- What? No.
Hey, I can't quit you.
No.
Hey, did you hear about that movie, Brokeback Mountain? Yeah.
A lot of controversy, huh? Yeah, they were doing a lot of smoking.
Cock.
No.
I didn't see them so I really couldn't tell you.
- Didn't see them? - Gay or not Maybe you ought to get some glasses.
Four-eyes.
Four eyes? Old Pol Pot would've put you down.
No.
I don't know what you want.
Hey, Khmer Rouge.
Come here, doggy.
No.
- Doggy? - Style.
No.
- Okay.
- Hey, dirty girl.
Valtrex.
No.
- Just open the gate.
- Open the gate? - I'll be back in an hour, Ken.
- Back in an hour? - One-hour photo.
- Bye.
You're late.
Late? What are you, pregnant? No.
Hey, don't look at me.
No.
How many guys you been with? No.
Oh, I don't know about that.
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- Hey, ask me something? Careful.
Don't ask, don't tell.
No.
Yeah.
What are you doing out here? You're keeping people at the gate for a really long time.
I just want you to collect the money and let them go.
Let my people go.
Gitmo.
No.
Hey.
Tear down this wall.
- Moses, Red Seas.
No.
- Yeah.
Red Seas.
Chicken of the Sea.
No.
Tuna.
No.
Tuna? No.
This is what I'm talking about.
Don't know if you're aware you do this but you insist on saying a joke every time somebody talks.
- Hey.
- I know the job is mind-numbing out here but people, they just wanna give their ticket and then they wanna go.
Let my people go.
No.
- You already said that.
- No.
What am I supposed to do? You guys are fucking off all the time.
I got you and I got Bruce.
Bruce comes to work drunk every day.
I mean, I gotta fire one of you.
So let's do this.
If you could fire Bruce, you can keep your job.
Okay? So you let him know that when he comes in, all right? Thanks, Ken.
Keep my job? What kind of job's that? A hand job? No.
Hey, you.
Step into my office.
I'm the principal, you're the bad boy.
No.
- What's going on? - Hey.
I've been talking to Dale.
And he told me to tell you I'm sorry, you're fired.
No.
Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Really? Man, Ken, I just had a baby, man.
I really need this job.
You should quit drinking.
Yeah, Ken.
You're right, man.
Put the bottle down.
I'll have a fresh start.
Thanks, man.
No.
- I can't.
- My wife won't be there.
She's visiting her sister.
- Just one drink.
- Of course, of course.
One drink.
We really need to relax.
Hey, who do you think would win in a fight Bigfoot or an alien? That's a good Oh, shit.
- Hold that thought.
- What? - Do you know what today is? - No, what? - Yeah! - What day is it? Tell me! It's Tuesday! Holy shit, you're right! It is Tuesday! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Let's go! - Yeah! - Today is Tuesday! - Tuesday! Tuesday! Hey, what are you doing? It's Tuesday! Right.
No, left, left! Go right, go right! Go left! Go right! - Yeah! - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - It's Tuesday! - It's Tuesday! - Tuesday! - Tuesday! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - What do you want? - It's Tuesday.
- It's Tuesday! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Tired of working all day for little or no money? Have big brain - Who are you? - It's Tuesday! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You guys are so much fun! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! - Tuesday! - Tuesday! Yeah! Wait.
- It's not Tuesday anymore.
- Good night.
- Bigfoot.
- Yeah? Yeah, I think Bigfoot would be stronger than an alien.
So chances are, Bigfoot would win in a fight.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- Yeah.
Wasn't that wonderful? Simply wonderful.
Just what we've come to expect from the creative team over at Funny or Die.
Anyway, I'll see you next time.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
All right, baby, come on.
- Let's get you in a cab.
- Okay.
All right, we gotta get out of here.
Come on.
Come on, I got a wife.