Ghosts (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

1 ISAAC: Ooh, luggage.
Do I detect a voyage of some kind? Nothing gets by you, man.
Oh, we're going away for the weekend.
Everything's been so crazy since moving here, but we finally got a second to breathe, so I'm going to Ohio to see if my dead mom is a ghost.
Not exactly spring break in Ibiza.
How did she die, if you don't mind me asking? SAMANTHA: Allergic reaction.
She was at a restaurant and didn't realize the dish she ordered had shrimp in it.
Ah.
I had a pretty severe shellfish allergy myself, which is why I always carried an EpiPen.
Of course, those don't protect you against everything.
(chuckles) We're sorry about your mom, Sam.
SAMANTHA: Thank you.
It was six years ago.
Honestly, I'm excited.
I never got a chance to say goodbye, and now I might get to see her, so that's amazing.
Okay, but remember to keep your wits about you amongst those buckeyes.
Rutherford B.
Hayes was from Ohio, so You get it.
Okay.
I've got to pack.
And just as a reminder, Sam, your mother might not be there.
Not every spirit is lucky enough - to be trapped in an endless purgatory.
- SAMANTHA: I know.
But I just got to see, right? - Well, we're all here to support you.
- Thank you.
SASAPPIS: And also to remind you to leave the TV on when you go.
Maybe write down the thing about leaving the TV on? Sam? Knock, knock.
Uh, can I ask your advice on something before you go? Sure.
Pete just came in.
Hey, what up, Arrow Guy? So, you can probably tell I have a crush on Alberta, right? I think I want to say something to her.
Wow.
(chuckles softly) Pete has a crush on Alberta, and he wants to tell her.
Okay, so we're looping Jay in on this one.
JAY: Wait, hasn't he known her for decades? - Why is he making the move now? - Well, I'm a loyal guy, and my wife was still very much alive.
But then you asked her to come visit the house, and I found out she was a dirty, lying cheater.
So, long story short, I'm ready to move on.
He's just ready to move on.
Cool.
Look, I got to take these down, but please catch me up in the car, okay? 'Cause I actually kind of love this stuff.
It's like watching Friends, except you can't see or hear Friends, and you only have one person to tell you what it's about.
So, wh-what do you think? I love that you came to me, but I have one foot out the door right now.
Just tell me what to do.
Sh-should I say something? Pete, you're a sweet guy.
But I've only heard her talk about dating bootleggers or mob bosses.
Oh, you don't think I'm a bad boy? You know, I ripped the tag off a mattress one time.
That's a federal offense, baby.
I just would hate to see you get hurt, and if, for any reason, things went poorly, - it could be awkward.
- Right.
- Like, for everyone.
- Sure.
- For all eternity.
- Yeah.
Feels like you're kind of harping on it now.
Oh.
Hey, the TV, Sam? - One last reminder? - Yeah.
Wow.
Can't believe Pete is gonna tell Alberta - he's got a crush on her.
- What now? - Uh - (Jay exhales) I'm rooting for Arrow Guy.
Please don't say anything.
I think I talked him out of it, anyway.
What if I really want to say something, though? Please don't.
- (car door closes) - JAY: Let's go, babe! (engine starts) (car door closes) Seriously, Sass.
I promise I'll try not to say anything! But this is a tasty morsel! (chuckles softly) JAY: Are you ready? How you feelin? Nervous.
I haven't seen her in six years.
And I know it sounds dumb, but I just I kind of want her to be proud of me.
That doesn't sound dumb at all.
Well, of course you don't think so.
You still call your mom when you finish your crossword.
It was a Saturday one, and I did it in ink.
But the last time I saw my mom was when I'd gone home for Thanksgiving.
We got into this huge fight because she told me I should give up journalism and apply to law school.
Yeah, but what did you do? You stuck with it.
Well, I'm doing fine, but it's not like I'm writing for The New York Times or anything.
Babe, you're doing amazing.
And it's not just the writing.
You nabbed yourself a good hubs.
We're starting this B and B.
And you're possibly the only person on the planet who can see ghosts.
(chuckles): You're practically a superhero.
I guess I am kind of a superhero, right? Uh-huh.
And that means I'm doing it with a superhero, which, as you know, is, like, a big dream of mine.
That took a really weird turn.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
But it's still hot.
Troops, we have a situation.
It seems that Samantha remembered to leave the TV on, but by some cruel twist of fate, it has turned off by itself.
Sleep mode.
I'm sorry, what? If no one press button for six hours, TV go asleep.
Well, can't you turn it on, Trevor? Jay put the remote away.
(clicks tongue) I mean, a button I can do, but a handle on a drawer? I-I'm only human.
Or whatever this is.
But what are we supposed to do for entertainment? She'll be gone for days.
PETE: Guys, guys, come on.
Before Jay and Sam, we used to entertain ourselves, remember? Food Club, Movie Club.
We'd talk for hours.
Who wants to hear me describe Meatballs? Now, fun fact: that's actually a food - and a movie.
- This is hell.
I'm in hell.
The movie stars Bill Murray as a fun-loving, wisecracking counselor at a summer camp.
And the food well, you guys know what the food is.
Pretty self-explanatory.
But we got the time, so I'll explain it.
Pete's planning on telling Alberta that he likes her.
- What? - What? I'm sorry, Pete.
But I overheard Jay, and I didn't want to say anything, and then the TV shut off, and then you forced my hand with this whole meatballs lecture.
- I - Maybe we should go talk about this in the other room, Pete.
Although if it's good news for Pete, perhaps we should all be a part of it to celebrate together.
Yeah, maybe the other room? Oy.
- Uh-oh.
- (Flower groans) Maybe you heard Jay wrong, Sass.
I mean, I don't think so.
Or maybe Jay was a little mixed-up.
You know how you say one thing to Sam, she repeats it to Jay, and then it's the telephone game.
Well, what did you say to Sam? Well, I did tell her that I had feelings for someone, but that someone was my girlfriend.
(Hetty gasps) - ALBERTA: Oh! - Girlfriend? What, you got a girlfriend? One of you mating with Pete? - I don't think so.
- (chuckles): Certainly not.
Well, a-actually, I don't I don't think you guys know her.
How would we not know her? Because she lives downstairs.
In the cholera pit? Uh, yeah.
The cholera pit.
Well, I, for one, would love to meet her.
Well, I'll go talk to her about it right now.
Downstairs, where she definitely lives.
Here I go.
Be back with my girlfriend.
Oh, God.
Okay, mojitos are Cuban, this menu is Mexican, and then the cheeseburger on the wall's playing a ukulele, which is definitely Hawaiian.
This place is all over the map.
Welcome to Mojitown.
I'm Dennis.
Will it be two for lunch? Yes, thank you.
I still don't see her.
- Who? - Oh, uh, my mom.
She's meeting us here.
- So it'll be three for lunch.
- No, no, - 'cause she's probably not eating with us.
- I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Holy crap, Samantha? Mom? "Mom"? You can see me? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She loves Cuban-themed Mexican Hawaiian restaurants.
- They're so hard to find.
- (gasps, squeals) "Come join us at Mojitown," my coworkers said.
"One lunch won't kill you.
" Oh, yeah? Well, are there at least other ghosts for you to talk to? (sighs) Yeah, a couple.
There's Sondra.
JAY: Ooh, what's a cheese hurricane? It's what made my heart explode.
- Might have to get that.
- Oh.
SHERYL: And, of course, there's Peggy Sue.
She was a carhop when this place was a drive-in diner in the '50s.
Roller skates and tail fins, not a great combo.
SHERYL: So, how did this happen? You said that one of the ghosts from the mansion pushed you down the stairs? Oh, no, no.
Uh, he has a power where he can touch things, and he knocked over a vase.
I tripped.
- It was a total accident.
- He doesn't wear pants.
He can touch things? My ghost power sucks.
What's your ghost power? I can burp up shrimp breath.
(exhales) (gags) What the hell was that? My late mother.
Okay, so, you're doing the B and B.
I guess that means it didn't work out with the whole journalism thing.
No, it worked out.
I'm just I'm also doing the B and B in addition to the journalism thing.
Sam had a big article published in the Ulster County Review.
Oh, that's nice.
So, you're on staff there? No, I am freelance.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
But then this guy who works at The New York Times read it, - and he asked me to work there.
- What? - Huh? - SAMANTHA: Yes.
So, that is your daughter.
Full-time at the paper of record.
(chuckles): This is incredible.
I mean, a staff writer at The New York Times.
Well, I guess you're going to have to give up the B and B, then.
No, I can still work remotely.
Send in articles.
Wait, but you're never gonna make it to editor if you just send in the articles.
Here we go.
No, I'm just saying that that's where all the networking happens, right? Not even my lies are good enough for you.
Your lies? Yes.
I don't work for The New York Times.
I just said that because I wanted you to admit you were wrong about the whole journalism thing.
But apparently nothing I ever do will be good enough for you, Mom.
Uh, she calls me Mom.
It's like "bro.
" It's a TikTok thing.
Bye, Mom.
PETE: Hey, everyone.
This won't take up too much of your time.
Hi.
Uh, I'm in kind of a bind and need a volunteer to be my fake girlfriend.
Why do you need that? Well, I made up this little white lie about how I have a girlfriend, and now I need to prove to everyone that that's true.
You're talking to the wrong people.
We don't like it upstairs.
Yeah.
You guys are mean and rude.
Also, it's too bright and airy.
Okay.
Uh, well, sorry to bother you.
I'll do it.
PETE: Really? You will? Nancy, we don't go up there.
We stay with our kind.
I am not your kind.
I want a better afterlife than this.
All you guys do is stand around, talking about the water heater.
- It's boring.
- Okay, calm down.
Oh, no, do not tell me to calm down.
You gave me cholera, Stuart.
Okay, well, Nancy has thrown her hat in the ring, which is great, but I want to, you know, be fair to all of the ladies of the pit, so, uh, how about the quiet one in the back there? With the smile? Oh.
Yeah, she doesn't have a tongue.
And let me tell you, that is her "no" face.
Now, listen up.
I will help you out.
But just to be clear, there is nothing happening here sexually.
O-okay.
Noted.
All right.
Let's do this, then, huh? PETE: Okay.
Oh.
I didn't know ghosts could sweat.
Oh, no, it's pus from an infected wound.
Ah.
That explains it.
Okay, Sheryl, now that it's just us I think.
Are you still there? (grunts, exhales) Oh, that is actually really smart.
Super gross, but I get it.
You are there.
Hi.
Okay, here's my thought.
Can you please just admit to Sam that sometimes you might be a little too critical? - Can you believe this? - It's always our fault.
I mean, she traveled all this way to see you.
The least you could do is meet her halfway.
Because she got a point, all right? I mean, I love you, but let's be honest, you can be really tough.
DENNIS: One cheese hurricane.
Yes! I highly advise you not to eat it all yourself.
Well, you don't know me.
I'm not too critical.
I just know what she's capable of.
I still think you should do what this guy is saying.
Remember when Harold finally forgave his brother for running off with his wife? Whoosh.
Up he went.
So, you're saying if I have some kind of a breakthrough with my daughter, I could finally get out of this hellhole.
So, what do we think, Sheryl? If you agree, just, you know Actually, you know what, no shrimp breath this time.
Let's just see what happens.
So, there were a lot of rumors going around today about how I didn't have a girlfriend and about how maybe I just made that up in a blind, sweaty panic.
But here she is in the flesh.
- The rotting flesh.
- Shh.
Nancy from the cholera pit.
(chuckles): Yeah.
Well, originally from Albany.
Uh, but then I got sick, and they threw me in the pest house, which they told us was some sort of recovery ward.
(chuckles) But then they nailed the door shut.
That was not a good sign.
How did you two meet? - PETE: Uh, well, that's a fun story.
Um - Yeah.
He came downstairs trolling for sex.
- PETE: (chuckles) Okay.
- (Nancy laughs) She's a joker.
(chuckles) Loves to tell jokes.
It's actually one of the things I like about her.
What are some of the other things? Uh, well, our shared love of - The water heater.
- Right.
Pete, you love the water heater? Yeah.
(chuckles) Oh, he-he loves the water heater.
Oh, won't shut up about it.
He could go on for hours talking calibration - and combustion.
- Combustion.
- And, uh, corrosion.
- Uh, corrosion.
- And deliming.
- And deliming.
I love deliming.
Yeah.
(burps) Oh.
Yowza.
(exhales) Hey, hon.
Is your mom still here? 'Cause I'm sort of hoping she didn't just sit there and watch me eat an entire appetizer platter for six.
- It was horrifying.
- She's here.
Hi, Mom.
Sam, I thought a lot about what you said, and you're right.
- Sometimes I can be too critical.
- I'm sorry.
Look, - th there's still some crust over here if you - Shh, shh.
She's talking.
Go on, Mom.
It's just (exhales) I butt in when I'm not needed, and for that, I'm sorry.
And you're not too sensitive.
I shouldn't have said that.
Nope.
This is completely on me.
Wow, Mom.
Thank you.
Is this a cathartic mother-daughter resolution vibe that I'm getting? Could you find it in your heart to forgive me? Of course.
Maybe you could just say you forgive me? You know, like, actually use the words? Okay.
I forgive you.
Okay.
Maybe louder this time.
And say my full name.
Wait, you're just trying to ascend, aren't you? You didn't mean anything you just said.
What's happening? I can't believe you would say all of those things just to get sucked off.
Busted.
I'm a dirty, dirty dog.
I'm so annoyed.
I'm sorry she did that.
I mean, I really believed her for a second.
I'm such an idiot.
She's never gonna change.
Look, not all moms can be Champa Arondekar, okay? But to be honest, she probably praises me too much.
- You love it.
- Yeah, you're right.
I love it.
It's so great.
But that doesn't mean that your mom doesn't love you in her own way.
I mean, here I have this ridiculous second chance that nobody in the world ever gets, and instead of taking advantage of it, I'm in another fight with her.
I mean, it's just like the last time we saw each other.
So then don't let it be.
Okay? Yes, your mother is never gonna change, but you can.
So don't be the girl who gets in a fight and then goes back to New York angry.
Be the girl who goes back inside and talks to her mom while she still can.
That's actually really good advice.
Really? Do you mind if I call my mom real quick and tell her that I fixed this whole sitch? - You two have a real problem.
- Okay, fine.
I'll call her later.
It's not a big deal.
I have a special ring.
Did you know that? So, like, she'll always pick up.
PETE: So, uh, we should probably get going back down.
Glad you guys got to meet my real girlfriend.
- (chuckles) - Now it's time to head downstairs.
- What? No.
- No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pete, Pete, come on.
She just got here.
Yeah, we don't even know how long you date or how far she throw axe.
NANCY: Actually, yeah, I thought I might just maybe stay up here.
- (chuckles) - What's that? NANCY: I mean, we might as well stop sneaking around, right, baby? Well, we're not sneaking around.
I spend every night in Pete's room.
There.
It's out there in the open.
I feel relieved everyone can know.
Yeah, I feel great, too.
- I feel great.
I feel great, too.
What? What? - Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm not ready to go back yet.
I think I might stay for a while.
Aw, look, they're whispering sweet nothings.
You better get used to me.
(laughs) (chuckles) This guy, right? - Isn't he just the best? - (chuckles) - Ooh! - (grunts) Isn't he just the best? - Isn't he just the best? - (grunts, chuckles) Oh, yeah.
Do that again.
PETE: Stop it.
You Aah! (chuckles) Okay.
(coughs) You looking for your mom? Yeah.
She brags about you all the time, you know.
Your mom.
- She does? - Oh, yeah.
Samantha this, Samantha that.
"She went to Northwestern.
She moved to New York.
She's so beautiful and smart and doesn't talk all the time like you, Peggy Sue.
" (chuckles) The last part's a bit hurtful.
I didn't know she felt like that about me.
Of course I do.
I just want you to have everything you've ever wanted.
That's why I push.
I just want you to be happy.
I am happy.
I have a wonderful life.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You should come back for Thanksgiving.
Really? They do a good Thanksgiving here? No, it's horrible.
Eat first.
(chuckles) - What's happening now? - Oh.
Mom said we should come back for Thanksgiving.
That sounds like major progress, babe.
I'm really happy for you.
Just know that Champa will then probably want us to go there for Christmas instead.
Mom, I think I can talk him into Mom? I'm leaving, Sam.
You are? I can go now.
You've turned out amazingly.
I'm so proud of you.
The criticism worked.
(chuckles softly) Goodbye, Mom.
Goodbye, honey.
SAMANTHA: She's gone, Jay.
Sometimes, when we're doing it, I'll get on his back like a horse, and I'll steer him around by his arrow.
(Nancy chuckles) That is very vivid imagery.
Thank you, Nancy.
I got a lot more images for you.
Here we go.
This one time, he told me to kick him harder Nancy is amazing.
(laughs) Such a free spirit.
No pun intended.
(chuckles) And I was like, "You're so wild, - but, okay, if this is your thing " - And she seems really happy.
You must be a good boyfriend, Pete.
- (chuckles) - (chuckles, sighs) I wish I could be treated well like Nancy.
What? What-what are you saying? Oh, no, I don't (chuckles) Well, it's just when I was alive, I was with a bunch of cheats and liars.
Maybe 'cause I thought I didn't deserve better.
Well, you do deserve better.
You deserve the best.
(chuckles): Well, too bad.
Nancy got the last honest guy.
That's me, a real straight arrow.
(chuckles) Certainly wouldn't lie about anything.
JAY: We're home, ghosts! Or empty room.
I have no idea.
They're in here.
Hey.
(Nancy groans) Who's this? Ah, hi.
Nancy.
I'm Pete's girlfriend.
- Pete's girlfriend? - Huh? Uh, there's a new ghost.
Sure.
Cool.
Yep.
Yeah, Nancy's my girlfriend, uh, that sleeps upstairs in my room with me.
(chuckles) We're practically inseparable.
(chuckles) There's no getting away from her.
Honey? Shall we, uh Looks like I'm gonna get some.
(Pete groans) SAMANTHA: So, what happened? Sleep mode, Sam.
Sleep mode happened.
How are you feeling about your mom? Well, I'm feeling happy for her, obviously.
And that I got to say goodbye.
But I'm sad because it feels like I don't have a mom.
- Again.
- I know.
You know, she was critical and annoying, but there's something nice about feeling like somebody cares that much.
Young lady, you are aware that your luggage is languishing by the front door.
I know, it's just been a long day.
I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Sorry, Hetty just came in.
Mm, your choice, of course.
It's not the choice I would make nor the right choice, but it is a choice nonetheless.
What are you smiling about? Something just made me happy.
HETTY: Well, don't stay like that.
You'll get laugh lines, and your husband will wander.
Must I teach this girl everything?