Good Vibes (2011) s01e11 Episode Script

Balls! The waves are all flat and mushed out.
I'll go rub the statue.
Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that.
Why is everybody always touching its crotch? Dude! No one's told you the story of duke lopez? Ah, he's my hero.
Legend has it that his father was a big game fisherman.
One day, he accidentally hooked a mermaid, And they fell madly in love.
Sure, they had to put up with stares and whispers But they didn't care.
But after years of only oral sex, they grew apart.
Even fertilizing the fish eggs lost its joy.
But then, a miracle happened, And that little guppy grew up to be duke lopez.
Heart of a fish, legs of a man, Just as at home in the sea as on land.
With his signature speedos, he won every surf contest Up and down the coast.
He was unbeatable, And some say his magic european lycra swim briefs Were a gift from poseidon himself.
And then one day it happened The dongabunga.
A rogue wave that strikes the shore once every 15 years.
A hundred feet of sheer destruction.
While others fled, duke paddled into the belly of the beast.
The man had huge balls.
He must've had a lot of courage.
That, and you could see them Through the aforementioned speedos.
Many have tried since, but duke was the only one To ever surf the dongabunga.
Awesome.
Where is he now? He just disappeared.
Some say he left in search of bigger waves and better women, But no one knows for sure.
The city erected a statue in duke's honor, Thus giving birth to the patron taint of playa del toro.
Rub the nethers for good weathers.
I got this one, buddy.
This is bruce, and I didn't say stop.
Chester "the wave molester" on the scene, Working his way up the wall now is reigning two-time champ, Local bro, turk "the jerk" turkpatrick.
As you can see, he's reminding us all that he's number one.
Suck it, losers! Hide your kids.
Hide your wife.
He's about to attempt the impossible! No way! He's gonna break a two-year cell phone agreement Without a penalty! Live agent, please.
He's done it! He's done it! No, no, you have a good day.
Crap, that didn't work.
Ow, my crotch and my eyes! And our final contestant and current leader, The reigning junior champ, woodie stone! All he has to do is stay on his board, And it'll be the upset of the year.
He's gonna win! He's gonna win! All right! Do it! Whoo-hoo! That's my son.
Whoa! Oh! I mean, that's my sun.
Source of all life.
I know I don't say it enough, But I love you, sun.
Someone should see if that loser drowned.
Don't worry about it man.
It's just a surf meet.
Oh, you don't get it.
This is everything I've been working for my whole life, And I choked.
I got this.
All right, googling sports cliches That you say to losers who have thrown away their careers.
Hm, ah! "everyone loves a ladies man, tiger.
" Nope.
"no one cares about puppies, mr.
Vick.
" Uh-uh.
"a self-aggrandizing tv special Was a great idea, lebron.
" No way! Ah, here we are.
"you'll get 'em next time.
" There's not gonna be a next time.
Sorry I let you down, duke.
It's okay, kid.
Now, rub me for luck.
It'll make all of us feel better.
Milan, are you okay? Uhh, my hurl sesh was really weird today.
I was actually nauseous before it happened.
Are you feeling okay otherwise? I feel great.
I jumped a whole cup size.
Didn't even have to pay for it.
Ha.
Do you think you could be pregnant? You're pregnant, slut.
Oh, sorry, reflex.
You should probably take a pregnancy test.
Oh, I hate taking tests.
Can't I just have that asian kid take it for me? "lobster style bisque"? Mmm, consider my interest piqued.
I'll give you a clue.
It's cockroaches.
What? They're the lobsters of the wall.
What? They're the lobsters of the wall.
Dude, this is serious.
I lost my stoke.
Stoke? Stoke is your guiding force.
It's what steers you on a surfboard, Tells you what to put on a burrito, And lets you know which hand to use When you're making love to yourself.
Without it you've got no confidence, You can't make any decisions, you're lost.
It can't be that bad.
This morning I couldn't decide between sneakers or sandals.
I look like a lesbian or a japanese man in the summer! What'll it be, stretch? Uh, uh, uhh Uh, lobster style bisque! Damn! Really Uh, more bisque! see what I'm dealing with? Will you calm down? You're not choking.
Will you calm down? You're not choking.
Way to go, mondo.
I always pegged you as a bottom.
I dunno man, The only person I ever heard of getting their stoke back was me.
Back in the day, I had it all.
Pontiac fiero, closet full of turtlenecks, And dental insurance with a reasonable co-pay.
Then, just like that, it was gone in a puff of smoke.
But after 20 dark years, the contents of which I cannot legally share with you, I turned it all around and moved into this bitchin' van.
Bomb-diggity! See? Everything's gonna be just fine.
See? Everything's gonna be just fine.
Shh! Do you hear it? Oh, it's coming.
What's coming? The dongabunga.
It'll be here in two days.
It's going to be the biggest wave ever, Reaching in excess of 100 feet.
You can tell all that from listening to the sand? No, man.
Some loser lost his radio.
Woodie, this is perfect timing.
You need to do something big to get your stoke back And surfing the dongabunga is it! How am I supposed to surf a monster wave When I don't even have the confidence To order what I want for lunch? Look, I'm holding a tofu shake with an estrogen boost! Sure, I'm glowing, but at what cost to my manhood? Here's our answer.
Wait yup, here's our answer! Oh, of course! A copper codpiece is gonna give woodie All the confidence he needs! Or we could get duke lopez To train woodie to surf the dongabunga! But no one's seen him for years.
We'll never find him.
We'll do whatever it takes to track him down, Tax records, dental records-- what? I just came! Hang on-- multiple times! Let me finish-- across duke's address.
That's him! All right.
He lives smack dab in the middle of "rape county.
" Huh? "so named Huh? "so named For the abundant fields of rapeseed.
" "And all the prison rapes.
" Uh? Shotgun! Uh? Shotgun! So do you have any idea who the father might be? It's either justin timberlake, tony parker, The oakland raiders, daughtry--the bandnd, Or my ex-boyfriend daughtry-- the singer.
You slept with all of those guys? No, but I did use a hot tub at the four seasons After the espy awards.
You know, milan, I'm really happy to help you With this whole situation, But what about your other friends? Oh, the kuntz twins? Yeah, they can be such raging-- Oh, what's the word I'm searching for? Chatty cathies.
Ooh, this one looks hot! "16 and pregnant home testing kit.
Now with free sample of jersey shore brand valtrex.
" You want your kids to grow up right? It's up to you to ask the hard questions.
"are you a terrorist?" "do you drug mule for the yakuza?" See you later, ma, I'm going out.
Wait a minute, mister, where are you going? As a parent, I need to know.
Uh! I'm going to rape county To meet some old guy that wadska found on the internet.
You don't have to be sarcastic.
Jeez.
You sure you got the right address? Whoo-hoo! Good, great, hang ten.
You got it, boostamucha.
Help! I can't swim! Excuse me, um, are you duke lopez? If you're wondering if I'm your father, get in line.
I've got dna swabs in the rv.
No, nick nolte mug shot, We need to talk to you about the dongabunga.
Step into my office.
Seriously! I'm drowning! Whoa! You won maverick's in '81? Hung over while passing a kidney stone On half a board with 20 stitches from a shark bite.
Is this the pearl necklace That you won at the oahu invitational? Yawn.
I pawned the necklace.
Those are pleasure beads.
Un-yawn! No offense to you and your squalor, But what the hell happened? After playa del toro, I moved on to the pro circuit.
I was on top of the world-- Fame, women, lucrative endorsement deals.
Dibs! They were right.
You were on a quest for bigger waves and better women.
I never said that, kid.
I was after better waves and bigger women.
Is that ms.
Teets? That's my voneeta.
I'll tell you boys, when I left playa del toro, I left behind the most important thing of all My heart.
I went back for her, but she wouldn't have me.
I even put 1/2 dozen donuts on my ding-dong.
she just ate the donuts.
After that, I lost my passion for surfing, For life, for everything.
When I woke up as the meat In a delta burke/roseanne barr sandwich, I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
So I stumbled out of that hardee's, And in the parking lot Was a man selling this endless wave machine.
So you just gave up? But you're my hero.
You know, I don't remember asking for that job.
Mr.
Duke, is there any way You can help my friend get his stoke back? ha! My time's more important than that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment To sell some blood for cigarette money.
Huh, kid's got talent.
That's the best I've seen, since Me.
How 'bout this--we'll help you get your heart back If you'll help woodie get his stoke back.
Quid pro quo.
Tit for teets.
Come on, just hold it while I pee.
No! You sound just like turk.
This is the worst thing I've ever seen! Oh, no, is it positive? No, I just saw your shoes.
Gross.
Tell me how the rest of 2006 turns out.
Oh, sorry! Sorry.
Old habits.
oh, my god, no! What, is it my hair? No, but now that you mention it, That cut does make your face look fat.
Also, crap! It's pregnant.
I'll call my doctor.
Ah! No offense, but we're going to my doctor.
He did my mom's vajayjay-rejuv, And if I'm knocked up, I wanna get an estimate on future repairs.
oh god, I'm gonna throw up.
Is it morning sickness? No, your pants.
Mondo Are you going through the changes? No, ma, they belong to the old guy from rape county.
He spent the night in my bed.
Very f funny.
LookI just want to be a part of your life.
Bye, ma.
ooh.
Dongabunga's coming.
We got 24 hours.
All right, duke.
Let's hit the waves.
Put the board away, jughead.
From what I've seen, You've already got the surfing skills you need.
What you lack are balls of steel.
Aah! You really think I'm ready? I know it.
But just in case, I'm gonna entrust you with my secret weapon.
Is it cinnamon? Because a lotta times when people say there's a secret, It's usually cinnamon.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna let you finish now.
Wow! Are these the magic-- Damn straight.
That's the same pair I wore when I rode the dongabunga.
Ugh! Can't he wash them? I wouldn't.
Now, I believe you boys promised me a handful of teats.
Good news, milan.
You're as barren As a 38-year-old single lawyer Who thinks she made the right decision By choosing a career over having a family.
But she's not happy.
I can hear you! Sorry, meredith.
So she's not pregnant.
ButWhat about the positive test? Oh, that's because milan's urine Is 43% illegal appetite suppressants.
You're all set.
Say hi to you mom's vagina for me.
Deuces! Well, that was Kind of fun.
Remember the last time we were at the doctor's office? I was teaching you how to kiss, And we got our braces stuck together.
Yeah.
Except I was the one teaching you how to kiss.
you wish! Thank you, jeena, for being there for me When I needed it the most.
I totally won't forget it.
Oh, my god.
Milan? What are you doing at the doctor? Yeah, with her.
Jeena got an abortion! Listen, I'm sorry.
They're gonna tell everyone.
That's why she got so fat this semester.
I wish I could stop.
And she called you chatty cathies.
All right, she'll be here any minute.
How'd you get her to come? The pier's uphill from her house.
I told her there was a hotdog eating contest.
Well, how do I look? Perfect! Like a hobo with a court date.
what's that? Dongabunga's coming early.
No, it's her.
It's my gal.
sure you ready for this? Got my flowers, got my chocolates And a half a dozen donuts.
Duke? DukeIt is you.
Ahh Cut that out, foghead.
You'll ruin your appetite.
Dios mio.
Your tongue is moving counter-clockwise.
That can only mean one thing.
The dongabunga's here.
Mmm.
Are you sure we should go in there? Duke said 9:00 a.
M.
Everybody okay? Ms.
Teets, I thought your bedroom Was on the second floor.
It was.
I'll meet you guys down there In four minutes.
Make it ten.
I gotta get mine.
Are you sure you can do this, woodie? I can do anything.
As long as I got these.
Hah! I'll take those, el pollo choke-o.
Soon everyone'll be rubbing my taint for good luck.
Nooooooooooooo! rosary chant, rosary chant.
Rosary chant.
You can still do it, bro.
You're the best surfer, and everybody knows it.
I lost my only chance to get my stoke back The minute turk stole those magic shorts.
Those shorts ain't magic.
I bought 'em in 1980 at a piggly wiggly.
I let you think they were special To help get your bony ass out on the wave.
Look, stick bug, the reason I was a great surfer Was because I had something more important than shorts.
I had someone who believed in me.
ruuuh! You always had what it took to be a champ-- The unconditional support, friendship, and love Of a full-figured woman.
He's right, you know.
Wait--what? So tell us, bro, What makes you think you can surf the dongabunga? I've got the skills, got the nards, And a secret weapon.
It looks like you're smuggling grapes! Lonnie Naw, man.
Lost a flip flop.
There it is The dongabunga.
That's not the dongabunga, pickle sack.
That is.
Aarrrhhh! Aaaahhhh! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Ooh! Whaaah! Oh! There's my sun.
There's mine.
You're a terrible father.
You're the best, woodie! I couldn't have done it without My full-figured woman.
That's me! Jeena, my tummy hurts, and this suit is so tight It won't let my farts out.
Don't be such a baby.
Speaking of babies Stand down, bitches! I mean, let's go find someone else to make fun of.
She's boring.
You're welcome.
OhhI'm proud of that kid.
Are you crying? Ugh! You are a child.
Are you crying? Ugh! You are a child.
'neeta, I know I did you wrong in the past, But I wanna make up for lost time.
No.
But I love-- Get up.
You're embarrassing both of us.
Look, dukie, what you and I have is fun and all.
The sex was Mmm, pretty good for one guy.
But I'm a free spirit.
You can't cage this finch.
I'll call you if I wanna bang.
Thanks for all your help, duke.
Sorry it didn't work out with miss teets.
Ah, that's all right, little lady.
I surfed the biggest wave, and I rode the biggest woman.
Who was that? The old guy from rape county Who was that? The old guy from rape county Who was sleeping my bed.
He had this really skimpy pair of briefs That he said had magic powers, and he treated me like a girl.
Oh, again with this? Listen, if you don't wanna talk to me, just say so.
Well, it's great to have everything back to normal.
Dude, check it out.
I gave the statue a little upgrade.
I gotta admit, it looks pretty good, bro.
Thanks.
Damn it, bruce! Gimme back that wig!