Grounded For Life (2001) s01e11 Episode Script
107 - Jimmy's Got a Gun
Oh, come on.
Get your hands off me.
I'm just trying to help you, dad.
Yeah, well, I think you helped me quite enough.
Is grandpa gonna die? Oh, yeah.
Cut it out.
No, he's not gonna die, now, just please sit down, dad.
I can't sit down! Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You're mortally wounded.
Whoo.
This place is all mobbed up.
We're gonna be here forever.
Uh-uh.
I'm taking care of this.
We need a doctor right away.
What's the nature of the emergency? Oh, wait.
Wait.
There's no emergency here.
Sure there is.
No, no, no.
It's not true.
No.
It's very true.
No, it's not an emergency.
Don't you remember? That's why we came to the emergency room, to get that fast emergency service.
Tell you what.
Fill these out and have a seat.
Nice work.
We've been triaged, dumb-ass.
What's "triage"? It means get used to the smell of disinfectant, 'cause we're gonna be here all night.
I like it.
It makes me dizzy.
Don't worry.
I know how to move this thing along.
Dad, cry out in anguish.
What? Just, you know Aah! It was him.
Grandpa, can I get you anything? Uh, thanks, Jimmy.
I'll have a ginger ale.
I'll have a coke.
Is your name grandpa? Oh, officer! Officer? Yes? Hey, dad, what are you doing?! I want this man arrested for attempted murder! He attacked me my own son! I didn't attack you! Dad, we really gotta bring the law into this? Aren't you the guy I saw No, it wasn't me.
I could swear I got that kind of face.
I look like a lot of guys Guys that aren't me.
What are you reading? Cigar aficionado.
Don't they have anything else? If there were anything else, would I be reading cigar aficionado? What about this? That's porno.
It's not porno.
It's a magazine for a man in the new millennium it's nothing but pictures of naked bimbos.
Half-naked Actresses.
Is my father-in-law gonna see a doctor anytime soon? He's on the list.
Someone will see him shortly.
You're blowing me off, aren't you? No.
I happen to be a hostess in a very popular soho restaurant, and I blow people off all day long.
I know blowing off, and you are blowing me off.
Ma'am, we'll get to you as soon as we can.
See, that's exactly what I say! Dad, will you leave this guy alone?! No.
I want him to hear this.
It was my grandson Jimmy's birthday party.
Claudia: Yeah! All right.
Hey, buddy, this one is from us.
Lily, it's your brother's birthday.
Get off the phone.
Now she's telling me to get off the phone.
Now she's giving me this look she does.
I know.
I know.
On wheels.
Now she's taking the phone and hanging it up.
Cool! It's a real snare drum.
That's the kind Peter criss plays.
Who? You can play with that later, Jimmy.
Now, saving the best for last.
Whoa.
Sean: Hey, what is it, dad? He's gonna love it.
It's from both of us.
No, it's not.
All right! It's a bb gun! A bb gun.
A bb gun.
Whoa.
Of course he couldn't stand that Jimmy liked my gift better.
Wrong.
Wrong.
What I can't stand is that you think you know better than me about what I should do with my family! Well, that's because I do! Oh, yeah, right.
Like that time Henry had the nosebleed? Tilt him forward.
He's got to lean into the flow.
No, dad, that's not right.
Come on, Henry, just lean your head back.
You'll choke him that way.
No no, I won't.
Look, just tilt your head back and relax.
That's the forward! No, dad, I'm his dad.
I say back! It's gotta be forward! It's gotta be back! Look, I know what I'm talking about! He's my son! He goes back! Forward doesn't make any sense.
Think about it! Ask any doctor in this place.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know everything.
Hey, hey, hey! You're not here because of a nosebleed, right? Right.
So what are we talking about? Well, what we're talking about is he never respects my judgment on anything.
What we're talking about is a bb gun, ok, that should never have been in our house.
What is our policy on this? Uh, we don't have a policy on this.
We don't have policies.
Oh, come on.
All parents have policies.
We must have some.
I don't know, babe.
It's just a toy.
It's shaped like a gun.
Yeah, well, so is Florida, and we don't have a policy on that.
That's a compelling argument.
Well, I mean, it's just Jimmy seems to love this thing, and I don't want to be the jerk who takes it away from him.
Besides, he's pretty responsible, don't you think? Yeah, that's true.
I mean, he was great with that wood-burning set.
Well Uh It's ok.
We won't tell your mom about this.
Maybe he's not ready for a bb gun.
All right.
Now you got it.
Oh, hey, look what I can do.
Claudia: Wow.
That's really great.
That drum we gave you is pretty cool, too, huh? Yeah.
Hey, Jimmy, can I play your new drum? You can have it.
Uh, hey, Jimmy, I know how much you're enjoying your new toy.
What? Well, your mother and I have been talking You're gonna take away my favorite present of all time? No, well, we're not taking it away.
What we think is maybe you just shouldn't have it right now.
I wouldn't give my grandson something that's not safe.
Dad, I'm not suggesting you would.
It's a great gift, and he's had a lot of fun with it.
Oh, yeah, these last couple of minutes are something he'll treasure forever.
Dad, this is my favorite present.
Don't you guys trust me? Of course we do.
We trust you.
I promise that I will be super careful with it.
Please? Well, he promised to be careful.
He is wearing the goggles.
If I had taken it away from him then, we'd be home in bed now.
Jimmy: Oh, grandpa.
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
And, dad.
You got me a soda? Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
Aah! Oh! Ok, ok, I'm gonna pretend that you shook that up accidentally.
I'll pretend that, too.
He's just a little overtired.
Yeah, and he hates me.
Yeah, it's probably more that.
Come on, guys.
Let's go to the vending machine and get you something to eat, ok? Does it have lasagna? No, it's a snack machine, honey.
Lasagna can be a snack if you don't eat a lot of it.
Good point.
Ok, what makes her attractive? She's got a sense of mystery.
What do you mean, mystery? See how she's got her thumb hooked in her bikini string there? Is she pulling it up? Is she pulling it down? Maybe she just likes having her thumbs there.
Yeah.
Oh, look, soup.
They've got soup.
You like soup.
Is it good soup? Are you kidding? This is a hospital.
Are you sure you guys can trust me with hot soup? Jimmy, it's not that we can't trust you.
Look, I know the past couple of days have been hard for you, but I want you to know your father and I are not mad at you.
Oh, I know.
I'm mad at you.
Well, you can have soup anyway.
Oh, come on! It's midnight.
My children are hungry.
I need your soup.
See, if I had my bb gun right now, we could shoot the soup out of there.
Cool.
Come on.
We gotta get our money back.
Ok, well, Eddie, how about her? Well, um She's all right.
Her whole attitude says, "hey, I'm down with that.
" Down with what? Exactly.
You see her? Her whole attitude says, "hey, I'm a nurse.
" Doesn't her uniform say that? You know it.
See, uniforms are a major thing for guys.
Oh, great.
The only uniform I get to wear is a catholic school uniform.
What guy is gonna like that? What's with all the questions? Nothing.
All right.
Well, if you must know, Christina and I were hanging out in front of mocha jojo's tonight, and these 2 cute jerks wouldn't stop bothering us.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah, that sounds really annoying.
Well, then they stopped bothering me, but they kept bothering Christina.
Hey, Christina, check this out.
You guys are stupid.
No, you're stupid.
Yeah, you're stupid.
You guys are both stupid.
Morons.
What is with your friend? I don't know.
I mean, what's so great about Christina? Her forehead is, like, an acre.
You could project a movie on it.
Hasn't she heard of bangs? Yeah, I can see how that wouldn't bother you.
I said it didn't bother me.
Haven't you been listening? Ok.
Excuse me.
Hello! Your little soup machine ate my money and didn't give my son any soup.
I'm sorry.
We've been having problems with it.
Well, you could have put a sign on it.
It works some of the time.
Oh.
Didn't realize this was a game of chance.
I would have worn my lucky sweater.
Do you have any lasagna back there? You put me in an impossible position.
I don't know why you made such a big deal about a toy.
Oh, you should have seen what this toy did.
Jimmy! Pull! Oh, better get me a priest.
This bb is on the move.
No, it's not.
Once it gets into my bloodstream, it can go straight to the brain.
Yeah, it's already lodged in your brain.
Look! I have other things I could be doing.
If you have nothing more to tell me, then No, no.
I am the victim of an assault.
Then can we just get on with it, please? Yes.
Allow me.
Sean: Jimmy, you shouldn't shoot perfectly good fruit.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just so cool when the juice squirts out.
It's like blood.
You know, I can't argue with that.
Just don't do it again.
No, don't throw it out.
Just pick the bbs out and eat it.
Oh, yeah, dad? What am I supposed to do with this? Huh? Your father's right, Jimmy, just because the drum isn't your favorite present is no reason to shoot it with your favorite present.
All right, hey, you two boys go out back and clean the egg yolk off the patio furniture, all right? A drum.
A drum is a cool present.
Hey! Hey! Hey, excuse me.
Weren't you supposed to be watching your brothers? I watched 'em.
Well, not every minute.
Hold it.
Where do you think you're going? Out with Christina.
You're not going anywhere on a school night.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ok, this is my house, and this is my daughter, and I'll decide those things.
Lily, go have fun.
Hmm.
Walt: Fine, but be back by 9:00.
No, Lily, don't come back at 9:00.
Yes! Thank you, dad.
Oh, hey, Lily! Come back anytime you damn well please.
Why in the hell would you say that? Oh, sadly, my son has lost his mind.
No, I was making a point.
It may have been a stupid way to make that point, but the point was valid.
Sweetie, do you have any quarters? Yeah, baby.
How's Jimmy doing? Much better.
So he doesn't hate me anymore? Oh, no, he totally hates you, but he's forgiven me for marrying you.
That's progress.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Ok, is somebody gonna tell me how the old man got the pellet in his butt?! Ok, whoa, whoa.
It was, like, 3 hours ago.
Ok, I'm waiting for Lily.
She's my daughter.
Hey, baby, you are up late.
Oh, I just needed to fix Jimmy's drum.
Oh, really? He played it?! Uh, he played with it.
You coming upstairs? No, I, uh, gonna wait till Lily gets in.
She's still out? Yeah, it's nothing to worry about.
I just kind of insisted that she stay out all night.
Oh, now, that's very reassuring.
It's that damn bb gun, you know? Dad refuses to take it back, and Jimmy just loves that thing.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I was gonna try to take it from him this morning, and he just looked up at me with those big Doe eyes.
Nothing has ever made me this happy.
It is so hard.
Look, I don't want to be the kind of parent that sucks the joy out of his kid's life.
Yeah, me, neither.
We shouldn't have to be.
We're good parents, right? Hey, we're Ok.
I mean, there are worse, right? Lots worse.
That's something.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take out the trash.
See? Some parents wouldn't even do that.
They'd let that garbage pile up and rot, and then their kids would get cholera.
Not us.
Not us.
Get aah! Aah! Jimmy?! Dad? What the hell are you doing?! I thought that someone was stealing our garbage.
I was just defending the homestead.
Defending the homestead? Grandpa said it.
Grandpa I don't know why I have to do this.
Because if I do it, then I'm the mean dad who's ruining his boy's fun, but if you do it, then you're the mean grandfather, and I can live with that.
So that's your idea of taking charge of your family.
Hey, my family is fine until you start meddling in it.
Oh Men are scum! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought you went out with Christina.
Why are men scum? I just meant in general.
Oh, another nice parenting decision.
Ever considered writing a book? Hey, look, look, dad.
Just go upstairs and get that thing out of my house.
I'm not gonna wake him up.
Oh, he's awake, all right.
He's protecting the neighborhood from garbage thieves.
Yeah, well, if you don't like that bb gun, you take it away.
No, no, you gave it to him, so you take it away.
Oh You're taking away my bb gun? Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not.
He is.
No, I'm not.
He is.
Oh, no, you don't.
It was my gift to Jimmy.
No, no, Jimmy, Jimmy, grandpa's decision is final.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you're doing this.
Hey, Jimmy, just go upstairs to your room, ok? This really sucks.
Good night, Jimmy.
Good night, grandpa.
Jeez, all this because of a harmless toy.
This thing is not harmless.
This thing hurts.
You got girl skin.
No, it hurts! It doesn't hurt.
Oh, you wanna see how much it doesn't hurt? Huh? Go ahead.
Doesn't scare me.
I'm not gonna shoot you, dad.
Oh, you're not scared to pop your old man with that little harmless toy, are you? Dad, don't.
Huh? Where's it hurt? Stop it, dad, come on.
Huh? Where's the boo-boo? Should I kiss the boo-boo! Hey! That's right, Wilma.
Pull the trigger.
I'm right here for you.
I knew it.
I knew you didn't have the guts.
Aah! Dad! Dad, are you ok? Tell Eddie Yeah? I know he's been stealing my shirts.
So you asked him to shoot you? Then you demanded he shoot you? Then he shot you? Right in the can.
Now, arrest him.
All right.
What?! You're gonna have to go down to the station with me.
Wait, you would arrest him for a bb wound? If you want to file an assault charge, I have to.
You stay out of my family's business.
But you just wanted me to Move along! Hey, thanks, dad.
Arresting my little boy.
Dad, I'm sorry I shot you.
Well, maybe I asked for it.
You did ask for it.
Dad, but you got to let me be boss in my own house.
I mean, what were you thinking, getting that bb gun? You wanna know the truth? I was panicked.
Every damn toy I looked at had one of those pokãâ°men on it.
Or those idiotic robots that don't know if they're trucks or dinosaurs.
I was confused.
It used to be simple.
I just wanted a toy me and Jimmy could enjoy together.
Nurse: Mr.
finnerty? Dad dad, you could have just asked me.
Oh, yeah.
You got him a drum.
Ok.
Enjoy your surgery.
He's going to adult circumcision.
Lily: I mean, come on.
Christina is a flag girl.
A flag girl is just a fat cheerleader.
Now now, don't get me wrong.
She's my best friend, but what is with all the glitter? It's, like, glitter everywhere on her.
Is she is she a person, or is she a disco ball? Who's Christina? The real tall one? The one with the glitter.
Oh, oh! The brunette.
Oh, please.
She's nothing.
Really? Yeah, I've known lots of girls like her.
You know what she's got going for her? She's easy.
You're saying she's slutty? No, I'm saying she's obvious Not complicated.
Ok, and she's got no depth.
You know, guys aren't threatened by her.
So, I'm complicated? Yeah.
I don't know what's up with you.
You're That's scary for a guy.
Do I scare you? You scare the crap out of me.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Hmm.
So, uh, you don't like slutty? No.
I don't want to be the mean dad.
My dad is the mean dad.
Look, Sean, every dad has to be the mean dad.
It's why being the mom is so great.
Don't rub it in.
Sweetie Huh? Why am I in church naked? Shh.
Sorry, god.
Oh.
Hey, buddy.
Word on the street is that you hate me.
Yeah.
Well, is there anything I can do to get you to like me? Except give you back that bb gun? No.
Hey, look, Jimmy, I didn't want to be the bad guy here, ok, but sometimes as a dad you got to make decisions that aren't too popular, and I didn't want to have to take that gun away, but it was dangerous.
Yeah, I know.
You shot grandpa with it.
Yes, I did.
But that's not the point.
The point is, as a dad, you know, I have to do what I think is right, and you are just gonna have to learn to understand that.
Dad Yeah? I don't hate you.
I'm glad to hear that.
Now can I have my bb gun back? No.
I hate you! No, you don't.
You already said you didn't.
No, but I do.
Too late.
Can I have a real gun? Nope.
Ok, then just a bb gun.
Uh, no.
Oh, I hate you.
No, you don't.
I do.
You can't take it back.
I won't shoot any more fruit.
You love me.
Can't take that thing away from him, can we? Nope.
Get your hands off me.
I'm just trying to help you, dad.
Yeah, well, I think you helped me quite enough.
Is grandpa gonna die? Oh, yeah.
Cut it out.
No, he's not gonna die, now, just please sit down, dad.
I can't sit down! Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You're mortally wounded.
Whoo.
This place is all mobbed up.
We're gonna be here forever.
Uh-uh.
I'm taking care of this.
We need a doctor right away.
What's the nature of the emergency? Oh, wait.
Wait.
There's no emergency here.
Sure there is.
No, no, no.
It's not true.
No.
It's very true.
No, it's not an emergency.
Don't you remember? That's why we came to the emergency room, to get that fast emergency service.
Tell you what.
Fill these out and have a seat.
Nice work.
We've been triaged, dumb-ass.
What's "triage"? It means get used to the smell of disinfectant, 'cause we're gonna be here all night.
I like it.
It makes me dizzy.
Don't worry.
I know how to move this thing along.
Dad, cry out in anguish.
What? Just, you know Aah! It was him.
Grandpa, can I get you anything? Uh, thanks, Jimmy.
I'll have a ginger ale.
I'll have a coke.
Is your name grandpa? Oh, officer! Officer? Yes? Hey, dad, what are you doing?! I want this man arrested for attempted murder! He attacked me my own son! I didn't attack you! Dad, we really gotta bring the law into this? Aren't you the guy I saw No, it wasn't me.
I could swear I got that kind of face.
I look like a lot of guys Guys that aren't me.
What are you reading? Cigar aficionado.
Don't they have anything else? If there were anything else, would I be reading cigar aficionado? What about this? That's porno.
It's not porno.
It's a magazine for a man in the new millennium it's nothing but pictures of naked bimbos.
Half-naked Actresses.
Is my father-in-law gonna see a doctor anytime soon? He's on the list.
Someone will see him shortly.
You're blowing me off, aren't you? No.
I happen to be a hostess in a very popular soho restaurant, and I blow people off all day long.
I know blowing off, and you are blowing me off.
Ma'am, we'll get to you as soon as we can.
See, that's exactly what I say! Dad, will you leave this guy alone?! No.
I want him to hear this.
It was my grandson Jimmy's birthday party.
Claudia: Yeah! All right.
Hey, buddy, this one is from us.
Lily, it's your brother's birthday.
Get off the phone.
Now she's telling me to get off the phone.
Now she's giving me this look she does.
I know.
I know.
On wheels.
Now she's taking the phone and hanging it up.
Cool! It's a real snare drum.
That's the kind Peter criss plays.
Who? You can play with that later, Jimmy.
Now, saving the best for last.
Whoa.
Sean: Hey, what is it, dad? He's gonna love it.
It's from both of us.
No, it's not.
All right! It's a bb gun! A bb gun.
A bb gun.
Whoa.
Of course he couldn't stand that Jimmy liked my gift better.
Wrong.
Wrong.
What I can't stand is that you think you know better than me about what I should do with my family! Well, that's because I do! Oh, yeah, right.
Like that time Henry had the nosebleed? Tilt him forward.
He's got to lean into the flow.
No, dad, that's not right.
Come on, Henry, just lean your head back.
You'll choke him that way.
No no, I won't.
Look, just tilt your head back and relax.
That's the forward! No, dad, I'm his dad.
I say back! It's gotta be forward! It's gotta be back! Look, I know what I'm talking about! He's my son! He goes back! Forward doesn't make any sense.
Think about it! Ask any doctor in this place.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know everything.
Hey, hey, hey! You're not here because of a nosebleed, right? Right.
So what are we talking about? Well, what we're talking about is he never respects my judgment on anything.
What we're talking about is a bb gun, ok, that should never have been in our house.
What is our policy on this? Uh, we don't have a policy on this.
We don't have policies.
Oh, come on.
All parents have policies.
We must have some.
I don't know, babe.
It's just a toy.
It's shaped like a gun.
Yeah, well, so is Florida, and we don't have a policy on that.
That's a compelling argument.
Well, I mean, it's just Jimmy seems to love this thing, and I don't want to be the jerk who takes it away from him.
Besides, he's pretty responsible, don't you think? Yeah, that's true.
I mean, he was great with that wood-burning set.
Well Uh It's ok.
We won't tell your mom about this.
Maybe he's not ready for a bb gun.
All right.
Now you got it.
Oh, hey, look what I can do.
Claudia: Wow.
That's really great.
That drum we gave you is pretty cool, too, huh? Yeah.
Hey, Jimmy, can I play your new drum? You can have it.
Uh, hey, Jimmy, I know how much you're enjoying your new toy.
What? Well, your mother and I have been talking You're gonna take away my favorite present of all time? No, well, we're not taking it away.
What we think is maybe you just shouldn't have it right now.
I wouldn't give my grandson something that's not safe.
Dad, I'm not suggesting you would.
It's a great gift, and he's had a lot of fun with it.
Oh, yeah, these last couple of minutes are something he'll treasure forever.
Dad, this is my favorite present.
Don't you guys trust me? Of course we do.
We trust you.
I promise that I will be super careful with it.
Please? Well, he promised to be careful.
He is wearing the goggles.
If I had taken it away from him then, we'd be home in bed now.
Jimmy: Oh, grandpa.
Oh, thanks, Jimmy.
And, dad.
You got me a soda? Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
Aah! Oh! Ok, ok, I'm gonna pretend that you shook that up accidentally.
I'll pretend that, too.
He's just a little overtired.
Yeah, and he hates me.
Yeah, it's probably more that.
Come on, guys.
Let's go to the vending machine and get you something to eat, ok? Does it have lasagna? No, it's a snack machine, honey.
Lasagna can be a snack if you don't eat a lot of it.
Good point.
Ok, what makes her attractive? She's got a sense of mystery.
What do you mean, mystery? See how she's got her thumb hooked in her bikini string there? Is she pulling it up? Is she pulling it down? Maybe she just likes having her thumbs there.
Yeah.
Oh, look, soup.
They've got soup.
You like soup.
Is it good soup? Are you kidding? This is a hospital.
Are you sure you guys can trust me with hot soup? Jimmy, it's not that we can't trust you.
Look, I know the past couple of days have been hard for you, but I want you to know your father and I are not mad at you.
Oh, I know.
I'm mad at you.
Well, you can have soup anyway.
Oh, come on! It's midnight.
My children are hungry.
I need your soup.
See, if I had my bb gun right now, we could shoot the soup out of there.
Cool.
Come on.
We gotta get our money back.
Ok, well, Eddie, how about her? Well, um She's all right.
Her whole attitude says, "hey, I'm down with that.
" Down with what? Exactly.
You see her? Her whole attitude says, "hey, I'm a nurse.
" Doesn't her uniform say that? You know it.
See, uniforms are a major thing for guys.
Oh, great.
The only uniform I get to wear is a catholic school uniform.
What guy is gonna like that? What's with all the questions? Nothing.
All right.
Well, if you must know, Christina and I were hanging out in front of mocha jojo's tonight, and these 2 cute jerks wouldn't stop bothering us.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah, that sounds really annoying.
Well, then they stopped bothering me, but they kept bothering Christina.
Hey, Christina, check this out.
You guys are stupid.
No, you're stupid.
Yeah, you're stupid.
You guys are both stupid.
Morons.
What is with your friend? I don't know.
I mean, what's so great about Christina? Her forehead is, like, an acre.
You could project a movie on it.
Hasn't she heard of bangs? Yeah, I can see how that wouldn't bother you.
I said it didn't bother me.
Haven't you been listening? Ok.
Excuse me.
Hello! Your little soup machine ate my money and didn't give my son any soup.
I'm sorry.
We've been having problems with it.
Well, you could have put a sign on it.
It works some of the time.
Oh.
Didn't realize this was a game of chance.
I would have worn my lucky sweater.
Do you have any lasagna back there? You put me in an impossible position.
I don't know why you made such a big deal about a toy.
Oh, you should have seen what this toy did.
Jimmy! Pull! Oh, better get me a priest.
This bb is on the move.
No, it's not.
Once it gets into my bloodstream, it can go straight to the brain.
Yeah, it's already lodged in your brain.
Look! I have other things I could be doing.
If you have nothing more to tell me, then No, no.
I am the victim of an assault.
Then can we just get on with it, please? Yes.
Allow me.
Sean: Jimmy, you shouldn't shoot perfectly good fruit.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just so cool when the juice squirts out.
It's like blood.
You know, I can't argue with that.
Just don't do it again.
No, don't throw it out.
Just pick the bbs out and eat it.
Oh, yeah, dad? What am I supposed to do with this? Huh? Your father's right, Jimmy, just because the drum isn't your favorite present is no reason to shoot it with your favorite present.
All right, hey, you two boys go out back and clean the egg yolk off the patio furniture, all right? A drum.
A drum is a cool present.
Hey! Hey! Hey, excuse me.
Weren't you supposed to be watching your brothers? I watched 'em.
Well, not every minute.
Hold it.
Where do you think you're going? Out with Christina.
You're not going anywhere on a school night.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ok, this is my house, and this is my daughter, and I'll decide those things.
Lily, go have fun.
Hmm.
Walt: Fine, but be back by 9:00.
No, Lily, don't come back at 9:00.
Yes! Thank you, dad.
Oh, hey, Lily! Come back anytime you damn well please.
Why in the hell would you say that? Oh, sadly, my son has lost his mind.
No, I was making a point.
It may have been a stupid way to make that point, but the point was valid.
Sweetie, do you have any quarters? Yeah, baby.
How's Jimmy doing? Much better.
So he doesn't hate me anymore? Oh, no, he totally hates you, but he's forgiven me for marrying you.
That's progress.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
Ok, is somebody gonna tell me how the old man got the pellet in his butt?! Ok, whoa, whoa.
It was, like, 3 hours ago.
Ok, I'm waiting for Lily.
She's my daughter.
Hey, baby, you are up late.
Oh, I just needed to fix Jimmy's drum.
Oh, really? He played it?! Uh, he played with it.
You coming upstairs? No, I, uh, gonna wait till Lily gets in.
She's still out? Yeah, it's nothing to worry about.
I just kind of insisted that she stay out all night.
Oh, now, that's very reassuring.
It's that damn bb gun, you know? Dad refuses to take it back, and Jimmy just loves that thing.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I was gonna try to take it from him this morning, and he just looked up at me with those big Doe eyes.
Nothing has ever made me this happy.
It is so hard.
Look, I don't want to be the kind of parent that sucks the joy out of his kid's life.
Yeah, me, neither.
We shouldn't have to be.
We're good parents, right? Hey, we're Ok.
I mean, there are worse, right? Lots worse.
That's something.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take out the trash.
See? Some parents wouldn't even do that.
They'd let that garbage pile up and rot, and then their kids would get cholera.
Not us.
Not us.
Get aah! Aah! Jimmy?! Dad? What the hell are you doing?! I thought that someone was stealing our garbage.
I was just defending the homestead.
Defending the homestead? Grandpa said it.
Grandpa I don't know why I have to do this.
Because if I do it, then I'm the mean dad who's ruining his boy's fun, but if you do it, then you're the mean grandfather, and I can live with that.
So that's your idea of taking charge of your family.
Hey, my family is fine until you start meddling in it.
Oh Men are scum! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought you went out with Christina.
Why are men scum? I just meant in general.
Oh, another nice parenting decision.
Ever considered writing a book? Hey, look, look, dad.
Just go upstairs and get that thing out of my house.
I'm not gonna wake him up.
Oh, he's awake, all right.
He's protecting the neighborhood from garbage thieves.
Yeah, well, if you don't like that bb gun, you take it away.
No, no, you gave it to him, so you take it away.
Oh You're taking away my bb gun? Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not.
He is.
No, I'm not.
He is.
Oh, no, you don't.
It was my gift to Jimmy.
No, no, Jimmy, Jimmy, grandpa's decision is final.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you're doing this.
Hey, Jimmy, just go upstairs to your room, ok? This really sucks.
Good night, Jimmy.
Good night, grandpa.
Jeez, all this because of a harmless toy.
This thing is not harmless.
This thing hurts.
You got girl skin.
No, it hurts! It doesn't hurt.
Oh, you wanna see how much it doesn't hurt? Huh? Go ahead.
Doesn't scare me.
I'm not gonna shoot you, dad.
Oh, you're not scared to pop your old man with that little harmless toy, are you? Dad, don't.
Huh? Where's it hurt? Stop it, dad, come on.
Huh? Where's the boo-boo? Should I kiss the boo-boo! Hey! That's right, Wilma.
Pull the trigger.
I'm right here for you.
I knew it.
I knew you didn't have the guts.
Aah! Dad! Dad, are you ok? Tell Eddie Yeah? I know he's been stealing my shirts.
So you asked him to shoot you? Then you demanded he shoot you? Then he shot you? Right in the can.
Now, arrest him.
All right.
What?! You're gonna have to go down to the station with me.
Wait, you would arrest him for a bb wound? If you want to file an assault charge, I have to.
You stay out of my family's business.
But you just wanted me to Move along! Hey, thanks, dad.
Arresting my little boy.
Dad, I'm sorry I shot you.
Well, maybe I asked for it.
You did ask for it.
Dad, but you got to let me be boss in my own house.
I mean, what were you thinking, getting that bb gun? You wanna know the truth? I was panicked.
Every damn toy I looked at had one of those pokãâ°men on it.
Or those idiotic robots that don't know if they're trucks or dinosaurs.
I was confused.
It used to be simple.
I just wanted a toy me and Jimmy could enjoy together.
Nurse: Mr.
finnerty? Dad dad, you could have just asked me.
Oh, yeah.
You got him a drum.
Ok.
Enjoy your surgery.
He's going to adult circumcision.
Lily: I mean, come on.
Christina is a flag girl.
A flag girl is just a fat cheerleader.
Now now, don't get me wrong.
She's my best friend, but what is with all the glitter? It's, like, glitter everywhere on her.
Is she is she a person, or is she a disco ball? Who's Christina? The real tall one? The one with the glitter.
Oh, oh! The brunette.
Oh, please.
She's nothing.
Really? Yeah, I've known lots of girls like her.
You know what she's got going for her? She's easy.
You're saying she's slutty? No, I'm saying she's obvious Not complicated.
Ok, and she's got no depth.
You know, guys aren't threatened by her.
So, I'm complicated? Yeah.
I don't know what's up with you.
You're That's scary for a guy.
Do I scare you? You scare the crap out of me.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Hmm.
So, uh, you don't like slutty? No.
I don't want to be the mean dad.
My dad is the mean dad.
Look, Sean, every dad has to be the mean dad.
It's why being the mom is so great.
Don't rub it in.
Sweetie Huh? Why am I in church naked? Shh.
Sorry, god.
Oh.
Hey, buddy.
Word on the street is that you hate me.
Yeah.
Well, is there anything I can do to get you to like me? Except give you back that bb gun? No.
Hey, look, Jimmy, I didn't want to be the bad guy here, ok, but sometimes as a dad you got to make decisions that aren't too popular, and I didn't want to have to take that gun away, but it was dangerous.
Yeah, I know.
You shot grandpa with it.
Yes, I did.
But that's not the point.
The point is, as a dad, you know, I have to do what I think is right, and you are just gonna have to learn to understand that.
Dad Yeah? I don't hate you.
I'm glad to hear that.
Now can I have my bb gun back? No.
I hate you! No, you don't.
You already said you didn't.
No, but I do.
Too late.
Can I have a real gun? Nope.
Ok, then just a bb gun.
Uh, no.
Oh, I hate you.
No, you don't.
I do.
You can't take it back.
I won't shoot any more fruit.
You love me.
Can't take that thing away from him, can we? Nope.