Guys With Kids (2012) s01e11 Episode Script

Guys with Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Violet, do you love this movie? Huh? You love it? To stay in this family, you have to love What About Bob? I love it.
I cannot get this kid to stop reading.
Good, cookies are ready.
Watch out.
They're not for you.
We're surprising Marny for her birthday.
You're making them in my apartment.
You can surprise her with the next batch.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
Here is our son.
He's clean, and I'd like him returned that way.
You know I don't borrow him, right? What is this? What is what is this? - What? - There's no sitting.
You drop him off, and then you leave.
Do you not know how divorce works? I'm not leaving.
I can sense Ernie's about to say his first words, and I'm not gonna miss it.
It's gonna be "mama.
" Say "mama.
" Mama.
Mama.
Say "mama.
" How did this happen? How am I stuck with your ex-wife for the rest of my life? Well, I'm not happy to be stuck with you either.
I feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, only you don't want to learn anything.
You know, Chris, I blame you for of this.
Yeah, this would not be the case if you hadn't married Medusa sucks-a-lot.
No.
No.
No.
If us all being stuck together is anybody's fault, it's yours.
- Mine? - Yeah.
Yeah, your fault.
It was the summer of 2004.
You and I were living together.
I was dating Sage.
Rap-rock was taking the nation by storm.
I was reporting live from that scene.
Literally, every word that you just said made me mad.
You're so much fun need each other lithe sun Sage,en I'm not with you I'm a ralike a lion in a cage I live my e up the stage for all the worlo seyou and me - Chris, Chris, Chris.
- What? Listen.
This is really important.
I need you to do me a favor.
Take the "B" train up to Yonkers.
Go to my Uncle's house.
Inside is a Civil War bayonet.
I need you to grab it, bring it back here, and then stab me in the ears with it, so I never have to listen to that song again, okay? Hey, you be nice.
My boy wrote me a song.
I love that song.
You are so talented at so many things.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Guys.
Did you tell them? No, hey.
Mwah.
I was waiting for you.
You got engaged? Oh, my God.
- You got engaged.
- Yes! Yep.
I'm off the market.
It's a sad day for single ladies everywhere, but a happy one for less attractive men than myself.
- Were you surprised? - Oh, I was Especially when halfway through the proposal, the swan the ring was taped to started to run away.
Engaged? I can't I can't believe you.
This is not part of the plan, which, may I remind you, was all your plan.
You're the one who convinced me to blow off law school to become an actor.
You made me sign an agreement saying that we wouldn't settle down till we were in our 30s.
Chris, we wrote that on a flour tortilla when we were super drunk.
You had me get that tortilla notarized.
Well, you know, plans change.
And now I'm gonna have a wife.
Okay? And if doctors are to be believed, a baby.
Emily's pregnant? Yeah.
And I don't know what happened, man.
We were safe, like, 70%, 80% of the time.
See, you got engaged, so I went to law school, which is where I met Sheila, which is why she's in your living room on a Sunday until my son says his first word.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
See, this right here all your fault.
No, no.
That cannot be true.
I know.
Emily was pregnant before she got married.
Dad said that couldn't happen.
Nice detail in front of the kids.
Thank you.
Hey.
Here are all my boys.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
- So many boys.
Mm.
So what's everybody doing here? We're making you secret birthday cookies.
Wait.
We're not.
Oh, it's gonna be a great birthday cookies, the family portrait, you getting your tooth fixed before the family portrait.
No, no, no.
You're making us wear matching white turtlenecks and blue jeans.
My tooth will not be the weirdest thing in the photo.
Gary, why won't you just do it? Because I like my chipped tooth.
The kids like it.
Plus I can debone a chicken wing in three seconds flat.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It just came to me.
I just realized why it is not my fault that I am stuck with Sheila.
You would have gone to law school whether I got engaged or not, because you were a terrible actor.
Ha-ho! Yeah! Not my fault.
I had nothing to do with you marrying Sheila.
Actually, you did.
It was the day Violet was born.
I remember that day.
I was there.
So was your tooth.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm not ready to be a father.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I just learned that they're not allowed to eat tuna fish for, like, years.
That's all we eat! You're going to be great.
I know it.
Hi.
I'm Emily.
This is my husband, Nick.
Hi.
I'm Marny.
And this is Gary! No.
No, man, I'm not busy.
My wife just had a baby.
Yeah, no, no, I just got to straighten some things out here, and I'll be there in half an hour.
Gary.
Okay, 45 minutes.
You're just gonna leave me here staring at a wall? You know what? You're right, babe.
I'm gonna get you that window bed.
Hey.
Kevin McHale.
How much do you want for the window bed, huh? I'll give, uh, $500.
I'm not selling my wife's bed.
Gary, stop showing off.
- Get out of the way.
- Okay, babe.
So what did you guys have? - A little girl.
- Oh, a girl.
We were trying for a girl.
But now we have two boys.
So many boys.
So what are you guys naming your daughter? Holy crap, she still needs a name.
- Um - Hey Calm down, all right? Having kids does not change your life.
We've both still have full-time jobs.
We got a Russian nanny whose name is Oksana.
She cooks, she cleans, her "V"s sound like "W"s.
It amuses me.
Watch this.
Hey, Oksana.
What's the name of the car that Marny wants to get? Volvo.
She usually does it.
I don't know what happened.
If you had a girl, what were you gonna name her? Violet.
Oh, that's such a pretty name.
Oh, well, it's yours if you want it.
Ah, Chris.
Oh, my God.
You're here.
Of course.
I'm not gonna miss the birth of my goddaughter.
Hi.
Hey, you know, I can palm her head.
I'm not going to, but isn't that messed up that was my first instinct? Is Sage coming? No.
Uh, actually, we broke up.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.
- Really? - Yeah.
The distance made it hard, you know.
Oh, but there's this girl at school that I really like.
She's named Sheila.
She's tall and smart.
And she challenges me, you know.
But I feel like maybe she's a little out of my league.
Oh, my God.
She's super smoking hot.
Should I go for it? Uh, yeah, definitely.
I will not be your friend anymore if you do not go after her, okay? This is your one shot at happiness.
Gary.
Baby, it's just a quick appointment, all right? You'll be fine as soon as they sell me that damn window bed.
Not gonna happen.
I'll give you 1,000 bucks for it.
You, out.
You thought I was hot.
It was an old phone.
The resolution was terrible.
You think of me often, don't you? Get away from me.
All right? See, you insisted that I go out with her.
Nick, do you do you like my hair up? - No.
- Or do you prefer it down? Okay.
All right.
Hey, hey, Ernie, Ernie, will you please say your first word so that she will leave, huh? "Daddy.
" "Cave monster.
" - Damn.
Sage is not on Facebook.
- That's too bad.
I've always wondered what happened to her.
You know, a lot of people don't change their email address.
What was hers? I'm just gonna try "Sage Williams at a bunch of different things dot-com.
" There we go.
Now, that is a birthday present.
That is sweet.
But what else are you getting Marny? You think I should get my tooth fixed? Why don't you want to? I was there when you got it chipped not your finest moment.
No, it was not.
- But, God, you smelled great.
- Yeah.
I was a C.
K.
One man back then.
C.
K.
One all day, every day.
Marny, thanks for having us over for dinner.
We really should be having you over, since you found us an apartment in your building, but we don't have any furniture.
We're house-poor.
No, we are poor-poor.
We are stealing-toilet-paper from-work poor.
Yeah.
The boys are asleep.
Do not disturb them.
You're doing that wrong.
Oksana was Chief of Police in her village.
Oh, that must be your friend.
Oh.
We finally get to meet Chris' new girlfriend.
We are just gonna love her.
I can feel it.
Me too.
Yeah! - Yay, Sheila! - Hey.
- And Chris.
- Come here.
Oh, hi.
So friendly.
Hi.
I'm Marny.
Hi.
Thank you for having us.
Oh.
She brings booze.
Ooh, I think we are going to have a lot in common.
It's from my father's vineyard in France.
You're gonna want to pair it with a north pacific fish.
Maybe not as much in common as I thought.
Um, do you have a decanter? I don't have a couch.
Look, I don't care if the congregation is down 80%.
It's a two-year lease.
Well, then they better start praying.
Gary, we have guests.
Hey.
Gary.
Nice to meet you.
We've actually met before.
Nah, I don't think so.
- How are you? - Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good.
Uh, why is my football out of its case? I don't know.
I'm new here.
The boys were play with it.
Yeah, all right, this is signed by the '69 Jets.
This cost me $5,000.
Well, that's just stupid.
Where are you going? I'm going to say good night to my boys.
- They're already sleeping.
- So? So, if you want to see them, why don't you come home early for once? You know, we really should look into getting one of these nannies, huh? Really warms up a home.
Excuse me? I do see my boys.
Gary.
Could we not get into this again? Yes, you see them then you're on your phone.
And then you shush them.
You make me want to "womit.
" There's the "v" thing.
- It is very amusing.
- Yeah.
Take that, and why don't you get your stuff and get out? No, no, no, no.
No, no, Oksana.
- Oksana, Gary doesn't mean that.
- No, no.
Yes, I do.
- No, no, no, you don't.
- Yes.
I cannot stay home from work tomorrow.
I have a huge presentation.
Who's gonna watch the kids? I'll do it.
You're gonna watch the kids? Hell, I made the babies.
I can watch the babies.
All right? I'll watch 'em until we find somebody new.
So, just to be clear, you're firing me? Yes.
You are fired.
Oh! Oh, that crazy broad chipped my tooth! Look at that! Promise me we are never coming here again.
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
I had to run up to my apartment.
- We have water.
- Oh, no, thank you.
Ernie didn't say anything while I was gone, did he? Actually, he did.
As soon as you left, he said, "Thank God.
" See, now, Nick, I can't tell if you're flirting with me or not? You know, this is not my fault.
I am positive that I told you as soon as you guys started dating that she was not the right girl for you, and you didn't listen to me, so that's it, okay? Conversation over.
You know, it wasn't exactly as soon as we started dating.
And I vow to work on my listening every day and, uh, to take a shower before bed and to stop wearing baseball caps because Because you're not six.
Because I'm not six.
And, Sheila? No, I'm good.
Do you have the rings? Ah! Ah! No.
Ah, I think I forgot them in the dressing room.
Chris, will you help me find them, please? I'm just gonna get this guy a tongue scraper, 'cause I want him to really go for it at the end there.
Where do you think you might have left it? Like You cannot marry her, man.
She is not the right girl for you, okay? Let's cash in your honeymoon tickets.
We'll go to New Orleans.
We'll tear it up for a little bit, forget this whole thing ever happened.
Huh? I'll even let you go on the Anne Rice tour this time.
What are you talking about? You cannot go through with this, okay? - She is changing you.
- No, she's not.
Look at you! She's got you wearing a kilt.
She's not even Scottish.
It's from our favorite movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral.
That is not your favorite movie! Your favorite movie is What About Bob? What are you doing, man? You're supposed to be my best friend.
I am your best friend, okay? This is a battle for your soul.
This is good versus evil, and I am not gonna let her win.
Nick, I'm getting married.
To the wrong person, okay? And I tracked down Sage.
I got her number.
- You should call her.
- Wow.
Okay.
You know what? Listen.
I'm not calling her.
Give me the rings.
No.
- Give me give me - No.
- Give me them.
Give me - You're not gonna get 'em.
I'm not gonna give them to you.
Don't okay.
You know what? No! No! Oh, God! No! God, I am both revolted by and grateful for how much hair I'm looking at right now.
Did you get the rings? Yeah, right here.
Let's get 'er done.
Oh, right.
Right, right.
I just vowed I would never say that again.
Oh, and just so you know, I overheard all of that.
- Sheila, I was - No.
You know what? It's good.
I'm glad that we can now openly hate one another.
Really? Oh, um, okay.
Then how many highlanders have you killed this century? Yeah, well, get your shots in while you can.
Not only are Chris and I getting married, but I've also arranged for both of us to have jobs in San Francisco.
You will be out of our lives.
I win.
What happened? I lost.
Yeah, I just lost my best friend.
And my parting image of him is of his junk.
You don't know the sex of your twins yet.
Are you sure you want to give me all your boy stuff? Absolutely.
I know in my heart these twins are not boys.
God wouldn't do that to me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
Chris.
- It's been forever.
- Hey, Em.
It's been three years not that I've noticed.
- Who is this? - This is Ernie.
- You have a baby.
- Yeah.
And he's your godson.
Sheila let us be his godparents? - We're getting divorced.
- Whoa.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Well, then come on in.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
Oh.
She wasn't the one for me, man.
You were right.
What was that? You were right.
I'm sorry.
One more time.
You were right.
Okay, in a Spanish accent.
You were right.
Hello, Ernie.
I am Nick.
I have so many photos to show you of your dad passed out with obscenities written on his forehead.
Hey, how you doing, man? I'm Gary.
Nice to meet you.
Heard a lot about you.
Yeah, we've actually met, like, three times now.
No.
I don't think that's right.
Where are you staying? I'm living in a hotel while I look for a place.
You know, a place actually just opened up - in this building.
- Aha! And then you told me that there was an opening in this building and that I should move in here, and then Sheila followed me here.
So, once again, it's your fault that we're all stuck together.
No, no, no, no, no.
This cannot be my fault, okay? I I just have to think about this for a second.
Okay, it's not my fault.
It's not Chris' fault.
Okay? It's his fault! Yes! Yeah! Yeah, you two would've never seen each other again if you hadn't had a child together.
Oh, we're allowed to blame children? Oh, okay.
In that case, I never would have gone to law school, hence, meeting meeting Sheila, hence, copulating with Sheila, if Emily hadn't gotten knocked up with Violet.
It's Violet's fault.
Yay.
Oh, oh, I know.
We should blame Emily for going to Colgate and being so easy.
All right, I'll take the blame.
But I'm gonna fix it.
It's an email from Sage Williams.
Oh! What does it say? Open it.
Okay, well, this Sage Williams is a man.
Hmm.
He is interesting in meeting, and would you like to see a picture of him naked? No, thank you.
Well, what's the harm? That's the harm.
You know, I didn't think I would be, but I'm actually disappointed.
Oh, you two are such dummies.
What? When you were trying to give my ex-husband his ex-girlfriend's phone number so that he would leave me at the altar what were you wearing? Chris' junk on my forehead.
My tuxedo! Yes! Never had it cleaned! Yeah, factored that in.
Oh.
Go.
Call her.
You know, Sheila, what you just did that was very nice of you.
Oh, Nick.
Please get over me for the both of us.
Hey, it's ringing.
Sage? Sage.
He just said "Sage"! First word! No! Oh.
You can come over here anytime you like, Sheila.
That was great.
Surprise! - Happy Birthday! - Oh, thank you.
- We made you cookies.
- Can we eat them? Sure.
And Gary! What? - You didn't get it fixed.
- Nope.
What about the new family photo? Well, I'm just gonna have to smile like this.
Oh.
You are ridiculous.
But seriously, Gary, why won't you get this fixed? Because my tooth reminds me of what a jerk I used to be.
And if you think back, we're the family we are today because of what happened that day.
I like us better today too.
Truth is, Oksana punching you in your grill was the best thing that ever happened to you.